#yes i still havent recovered emotionally from it

[wcvensouls-archive]

if there's one video that changed the trajectory of my life, it's this one

[messenger-of-stupidity]

Five Random Redacted Headcanons

Okay i havent really slept for a solid amount of time of sleep for like 48 hours now but i need yall to hear me out on this.

Redacted Masterlist

OKAYREADYSETGOMOTHERFUCKERS!

1) The Shaw Pack has a random XXL sweater that just circulates around. No one is sure who the original owner is, nor if the OG owner is still in the pack or alive. But whenever one of them is having a rough day, whoever had the sweater previously will bring it to them. It’s a communal comfort object. It also has like... pasta sauce stains and other food stains from the pack’s comfort food and yes it frustrates David to no end that he can’t get the stains out. The design has long since been washed away. 

Optional: Once the mates (especially Baabe because they are artsy I can feel it in my endocrine system.) get their hands on the sweater, they write little encouraging and comforting phrases for the next person. After a few cycles in the washing machine the ink fades away but the sentiment remains.

2) On Darlin and Sam’s second legit date that wasn’t Darlin bleeding out or having a breakdown or anything, they dragged Sam into the woods. He was slightly concerned that they were going to kill him because it was giving off major serial killer vibes. But it turns out they set up a big hammock between two trees and the two of them spent most of the night cuddled up together in the hammock watching TV on Sam’s phone (William pays for unlimited data and he can get signal in the woods) and eating gummy worms.

3) Pre-turned Lovely had a whole arsenal of electricity related jokes that William supplied to them to use on VIncent if he ever got on their nerves. I imagine it went something like this:

Vincent: -Which is why I’m right, Lovely.

Lovely: Well you know what I’m right about?

Vincent: What?

Lovely: How many DAMN students it takes to change a lightbulb.

Vincent: How many?

Lovely: One. Me. 

The jokes aren’t good or funny, but they got to act like it was a big deal and if anyone in the Solaire clan heard them, they would hype Lovely up and make Vincent feel like the silly bbg that he is.

4) One of the times that Aaron pissed Smartass off (post-confession) they purposefully dumped a bag of chips and packages of crackers on the bed and stomped all over it to make sure the crumbs were really small. It was only after this that they remembered that they sleep in the same bed as Aaron and would suffer as well. They have yet to emotionally recover from this.

5) David and Angel have a little chalkboard that counts the days between Angel being an unapologetic flirt. The counter has stayed at a consistent zero for the past seven months because Angel has been texting David daily to ask for nudes. He refuses to send them, but they persist for the hope that they might convince him that the only way their three brain cells will survive is if they see a Davey nude. He tried to get them to stop asking by threatening to make an onlyfans but they only hyped him up for it because it meant they could get nudes for sure then by paying money.

[egyptienneallure]

lemme clean out my likes before edvin and omar go to another event tonight and we get another 102030 photos/videos lol

[ninja-knox-ur-sox-off]

SEASON 3 EP 5

[Monkie Kid season 3 episode 5 spoilers below cut]

SCREAMS

IT’S TAKEN ME AN HOUR AND I STILL HAVENT’ FULLY RECOVERED FROM EP 4 ACTUALLY 

BG;SADFM;AWOIFEMW

I NEED ME SOME MONKEY WHERE’S WUKONG GIV RN SOBS N CRIES NEED MY COMFORT CHARACTR 

THEME SONG SUCH COMFORT

YELLSSSSS 

MK’S LITTLE DOODLES THO I CAN FINALLY SEE THEM

BUFF MK, MEI IN DRAGON DRESS, PIGSY, SQUISHY WUKONG, SANDY BGSDMFA;OIWEFMAOGAWE I LOVE THESE SO MUCH I’M SAVING THEM FOREVER

OKAY INTRO OVER LETS FREAKING GO 

OH YEAH I FORGOT THEY WERE BEING ATTACKED BG;LSKFM;AOWEF 

WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE SAYS TANG AGAIN 

“WE’RE SIDEKICKS AT BEST AND YOU KNOW IT” 

YEHA WAKE HIM UP THAT’S GONNA END WELL HAHAHA NOOOOOOO

PIGSY READY TO SHAKE A MONKEY BGSDLK;MF;AOGH;IAWEMFAWEF 

JUST SHAKES HIMM BGKMDFAOWE

PIGSY?????

PIGSY?????????/

NOOOOO

NO NO NGBS;OFIMAOWEFWE

SPICYGBSFAJMWOEFIAWEF 

WHY ARE THEY GOIGN FOR THE FIRE WHEN THEY HAVE THAT PEPPER IT COUDL DEFEAT LBD BG;LSDKAJF;AWHEF F

WHY WAS IT IN YOUR POCKET PIGSYGBSDFKAMW;E

“are you sure you should be keeping that in your pocket?” YEAH TANG ASKING THE REAL QUESTIONS BGLK;M;AWEFOMWEF 

STARING STARING STARING STARING WAITING I KNOW HIS AMNSISIA WHERE IS HE WHERE IS HE 

AW PIGSY CATCHES MO BGSDL;KFAOWEF 

OH WHAT A GREAT LANDING 

HE IS EVERYTHIGN

LOOK AT HIM

RELAX MASTER

HE’S BACK IN JTTW 

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

HOW— I NEED TO DO SOMEBODY ONCE TOLD ME TO HIM KCIKING THE DOOR OPEN THAT’LL BE THE FIRST THING I DO BGJLS;DMNF;OAWIEFGWE F

TANG’S EXSTATIC AND PIGSY LOOKS LIKE HE WANTS TO KICK HIM INTO THE SUN

LETS SEE HOW JTTW SUN WUKONG HANDLES NO POWERS 

ZHU BAJIE

SOBBING FACEFIRST ON THE FLOOR 

I LOVE THIS SO MUCH

I’M HOLDING HIM SO GENTLY

HIS GASPS 

THE 

HE’S JUST

SO LIKE

AAAAAAAA

I’M GONNA BACKFLIP INTO THE SUNNNNNNN

I’M JUST

I CAN’;T EVEN REACT TO WHAT’S HAPPENGIN THE MONKEY JUST MAKES ME SO HAPPYGBSDFL;M;OGHAOWEFMI 

MO ASSIGNED SANDY

HELPGBSD;FLKN;AGHWEOIFMA E

PIGSY LAUGHING BG;LSDKMOAWEF 

ALSO THE MO IN THAT POSITION HAHGBDSFAM;WOEF 

“we BROKE, THE MONKEY KING” 

nah man that happened a long time ago bG;LKMAW;OFE

/hj

MAN THO

HIS FACE ON THAT PAPER 

CRYING 

HE IS EVERYTIGN TO ME 

“we’re gonna be stuck with THIS one” 

THE VIBES MONKEY KING HAS RN THO

HE’S JUST 

HE’S LIKE

OH

OH HO HO HO

SORRY THE WAY HE WAS LISTENING

Tang just: please don’t murder right now i can’t take it emotionally— 

HOLY CRAP THO THIS EP ALREADY IS 

SHAKING ALL MY JTTW KNOWLEDGE

THE WAY HE WAS LALALA BUT LISTENING

HHHHHHHHHHH

JUST GRABS

YOINKED

TANG GRABBED

PIGSY YOINKED

INCREDIBLE 

ALRIGHT HI 

SHE

HER LAUGH

OH HI

SHE’S GREAT ACTUALLY 

I LOVE HER

IMMEDEATELY 

OH SHE JUST SEEMS KINDA LONELY ;; 

I’M HOLDING HER SO GENTLY 

I ACTUALLY LOVE HER?? 

IT’S  BEEN TRHEE SECONDS

SWEETHEART I’M SORRY TANG IS ACE AND GAY BGA;SLDFNA;WOEF U CANTGBJSDFANAWEF

OH HO HO FOOD

YEAH ME

ME BG;SADLKFMA;OWE

ACE MAN RIGHT THERE

GIV FOOD 

ME

YES 

MOOD

HELPGBSAD;FMA;OGAWEF 

WHY SHE EEEVIILLLL

HOW SHE EVIL THO 

LOOK AT HIM

LOOK AT THE MONKEY

HE MEANS EVERYHTING TO MEBGBS;KJLFAMNW;O

HIM HI M HIM HIM HIM HIGMSDBA;GWA;EOMFAWE

MO ON PIGSY’S HEAD LIKE THAT BGLKS;DFMAOWEF

MK 

NOOOOOOO

CRYING

HE DID THE THING WITH THE STAFF OVER HIS SHOULDERSSSS ;A; 

ALSO CRYING OVER NOT REMEMBERING MK PLSSSS

BUT ALSO 

“ME? TEACHING SOMEBODY? HA” ;A; 

HE’S SO GOOD

HE MEANS EVERYHTING TO ME BGDJSAFMNA;WE

THE ROLLING

THE ROLLLLLLLLLL

HE’S SO 

HE’S SO HIM

HEEEEEEEEEEEE

I LIKE THE MONKEY SO MUCH

HE’S JUST

SQUISHY

LOVELY 

I’M HYPERANALYZING HOW LIKE LIGHT HE IS RN 

WHAT A LONG CONVERATION 

WOW RIGHT THERE

Tang: great one? :D I can roll with that— 

BG;LSADKFMA;OWEFMAWE HE’S SO STUPIDBGSDA;LKFMA;WOEF

THE CLASSIC KICK THROUGH THE WALLLLLLLLLLLL

OSP REFERENCEEEEEEEEEE

OH MY THAT’S INCREIDBELGB;LSAKMA;OGOAWE

I LOVE THAT SO MUCH 

WHAT A LANDING 

GET BEAT BY STICK 

pausing on Wukong’/s smile to stare? HAHAH COULDN’T BE ME

…

RUNS AWAY 

GBD;SALKFMOA;GAHEWF 

HE’S EVERTING ILLUSIONS 

i like her thoooooo

SHE’S SO PRETTYYYYYYYYYY

HE’S JUST EATING THE FOOD, WUKONG PLEASE BGASMFA;OWEF 

MONKEY NOOOOOOOOOOO

THE PEPPER TALKING GBGLSDMF;OAWE

YEAH SHE JUST LONELY 

“HERE COMES MONKEY KING” 

I LOVE HIM

NOOOOOOOO

HE CRY

WELL AT LEAST HE HAS A LOT OF HIS POWER BACK 

BG;ASLKDMFO;AWEF 

WOW TANG

GBDS;LFMNA;WOIEF

WHOAH

Whoah

tang

whoah

WHOAH

she LONELYYYY ;A; 

CRYING

HOLDING HER GENTLY 

WOW WE’VE NEVER REALLY SEEN THIS FROM TANG BEFORE ACTUALLY YOU SOUND LIKE YOUR SPEAKING FROM EXPERIENCE 

CRYING?? 

“of course! Everyone needs friends? Could you imagine what I’d be like without FRIENDS?” I’M CRYING I’M CRYING I’M CRYING GBASJ;KFMN;GH;OIAWEFMWAEF

CRYING 

PLEASEBG;ASDFMA;OGAWOIFMWEF 

“I might turn into a minipulitve jerk or something” WHY DOES HE SOUND LIEK HE’S TALKING ABOUT MACQUEBGSDF;MGOIAWEF

WHEEZING 

PIGSY??? 

AWWWWW

BGSDLK;FM;AWOE BG;SLDMFAWOE OHHHH NOOOOOOO

OH HE’S DEFINATELY GETTING WORSE

NO NO NO TANG

TANG DON’T PLS BGSD;LKFMA;OWEF 

HUHHHH

YEEEAAHHHHHHH

WEIRD HOW MUCH U LOOK LIKE ZHU BAJIE, ISN’T IT 

AW

PIGSY

;A; 

BRO

OH

OH

OH

 OH BOY

OHHHHHH

OH

F

FOUR

FOUR

OH

OH HO

OHHHH

WHY WOULD HE KEEP THAT FROM THEMMMMMOHHHHHHHHH BYO

BOIIIIIIII

OHHHHH BOIIIIIII

DID IT WORK 

“UR THE ONE WHO SAID HIT HIM IN THE HEAD” 

“YEAH BUT I DIDN’T SAY KILL HIM” 

“Why are you hugging me?” 

CRYING

PIGSY 

YEAH

FOUR RINGS

SUS

WOOWWOWOWOOWOW

THAT LOOK

I’M 

OH MAN 

THAT FACE AT THE END

OKAY I NEED TO WATCH THIS EPISODE ANOTHER SIX TIMES FOR COMFORT

RIGHT NOW

GOODBYE

THIS IS ALL I’LL BE WATCHING FOR THE ENXT THREE DAYS I DON’T CARE THAT THERE’S ANOTHER-=NO WAIT RED SON TOMRORROW NVMND I’LKL BE WATCHING THAT ONE TOO 

MMMMMMMM

MONKEY

SOBS AND CRIES 

THIS JUST

WE GOT SO MANY GENUINE SMILES FROM MONKEY KING IN THIS EP I’M HOLDING HIM SO GENTLY

I AAAAAAAAA

HOLDING 

HOLDIGN SO GENTLY 

I’m having so many thoughts and anylizing Wukong’s behaviour and how happy but on guard and tense and pretending not to be listening while he could actually hear n BGHDLKFJAWE HE’S TRUAMATIZED AND I HOLD HIM SO GENTLY PLS GET THERAPY BUDDY 

see y’all later with Red Son EPISODE SIX COMIGN AT YA MONDAY HOPEFULLY WOOOOO

[meduise]

my own hibari headcanons

[reposting because of adult terminology crimes, lol]

been meaning to write down my list of hcs for a while anyway, and now i have the occasion to get to it! among the others im gonna add what i decided to avoid putting under this post and give more details about what i already wrote there

content/trigger warnings: death, assassination, mental illness, eating disorders

the list will be under the cut! it excludes my strictly shippy hcs and i may update it over time

first things first. like my own blog title suggests, i hc hibari as a trans guy.  i’m trans myself, so this is arguably the hc of mine im the most attached to for personal comfort reasons LOL. it all started when i read a fic about trans hibari a few years ago and later on i got more and more fond of this transcanon, becoming 100% personal. i also hc that he doesnt feel dysphoric. as for his sexuality i hc him as gay

we know that hibari and fon are relatives. my idea is that they’re step-brothers (different mother), and long lost to that. NOW. i realize that with the assumption of fon’s age, them being siblings is unlikely, but it shouldn’t be impossible. their father could be old enough. he got married to a chinese woman who gave birth to fon, then divorced, then got married again to a japanese woman, kyouya’s mom. (i kinda based this on my irls situation, where because of the parents’ second marriage there is at least a good 20 years of gap between the oldest and youngest sibling)

the hibari family was part of the yakuza. to answer a question that was made to me: i agree that hibari “just liking fighting” isnt funny at all. i heavily believe that there’s a psychological reason to his behavior but im going to talk about this in another point below. i also think that hibari was probably the heir to the clan, but here in my head hibari is still too young for it, like 5-6 years old.

when hibari was a child his parents got killed in the hibari household. how could they get killed in their own house, didn’t they have enough protection? they did. but the guard was low considering who turned out to be their murderers were old, trusted allies. kyouya only survived because he managed to hide properly and long enough. he didnt witness the assassination but he did see his parents in a pool of blood after everything ended. before dying, his mom left a last message to him: be stronger than anyone else. because of the trauma, even in the present hibari avoids going back to that house as much as he can and especially he never reopens the door of the crime scene. hibari also still grows into a delinquent, but he dislikes the mafia world and wishes he didnt have to be involved with it

for a while, hibari is in fon’s mother’s custody. here is when he meets fon for the first time, over time they get very attached to one another, but because of the arcobaleno matters, fon goes disappearing, and hibari ends up assuming fon has died and left him behind just like this parents did. fon reappears and goes to meet hibari in occasion of the arcobaleno representative battles and of course wit trauma resurface and about 10 years of beliefs and assumptions hibari really, really struggles with this reunion, but eventually they bond again. (for this one i dont take into account the events in the anime only arcobaleno trial events, as well as the fact that we see all the arcobalenos revived at the end of the future arc)

hibari has an antisocial personality disorder (which implies he already had conduct disorders before the age of 15). it explains his violent and criminal behavior, as well as the fact that he doesn’t feel guilty for anything he does. he also suffers from ptsd and has eating disorders (i thought about the avoidant food intake, where, among the other symptoms, a person avoids to extreme levels some types of food because of characteristics such as their pattern or their color and generally lacks appetite/interest in food)

(wears my enneagram nerd hat) HIBARI IS A TYPE EIGHT. 8w7 precisely, aka the maverick. all about type eight is basically a call out to hibari lmfao but here’s the most relevant characteristics: eights are the real stand-alones of the enneagram. eights’ basic fear is to be harmed and controlled by others, and they steel up to prevent their basic fear from happening (or happening again). below the tough facade there is a vulnerability that cant be shown to anyone. their virtue is innocence, an innocence that they once and forever lost, and hibari basically lost it when his family was assassinated. eights are also associated to the deadly sin of lu st. for hibari its not necessarily the ns fw kinda lu st, rather bloodlu st. and its one big paradox because eights want to be in control of their surroundings, but being consumed by lu st means being under something/someone else’s control (and so we’re back to the basic fear). unhealthy eights are violent, despotic, reckless. all things we see in hibari. very unhealthy eights are also those who typically may develop the antisocial disorder, reason why i listed it above

since he wants to dominate his environment, hibari controls over the namimori and especially the school to feel “security”. he managed it through illegal means and pretty much lives in the school, namichuu is also one of the few places where usually he can sleep without having nightmares

yes, hibari loves sleeping but also he gets nightmares about his past more often than not

but i also love imagining hibari gradually healing and recovering from his trauma, so i do hc that in adulthood he’s mentally doing better. he can be a leader without being tyrannical. he can be strong while also acknowledging his own vulnerability. he is able to love again, too

the reason why he has a soft spot for little animals and children, like we see for ipin, is that he (unconsciously?) sees in them the innocence he himself lost. plus tiny and cute things help him cope when he is having episodes

he also treats ipin well because she is fon’s pupil. and i love to think of them as a little family

if hibari has a ring he really likes or is emotionally attached to he makes sure to never wear it on his fingers so he doesnt risk breaking it with his flames

hibari is pretty much a nerd, in his own twisted way. i mean. he’s seen reading in a bunch of official arts and we know that he’s very fond of the wonders of the world, he started up the foundation for his box researches and he knows well how illusions work - which means he studied them. since he was moved by his hatred towards mukuro, his illusion studies must have reached an unhealthy level, becoming an obsession

fon trained hibari on how to fight against illusions as well

for hibari, finding out he has mist flames too was very much of a shock, but he eventually accepts it. he only uses those flames if really needed (like the foundation entry camouflage)

i will get back to this post when i’ll have established:

why hibari picks tonfas as his weapons (i already have an idea but i havent gone into details myself enough to write about it here)

hibari’s parents and fon’s mother’s name

anything relevant that i forgot or come up with

[dawnblade]

Can you tell us more about oberon !! Does he have a backstory or is it secret ??

OH oh boy yes he does have a backstory! i have it worked out what happened when he was an exo pre-guardian, but i still havent quite figured out his life as a human or why he became an exo

this kinda ended up being long also i am not really a writer so i apologize LMAO

as an exo, oberon worked as a security guard at a clovis bray facility on mars. at the start of the collapse, he stayed behind while others evacuated and he tried to protect as much data in the facility as he could for anybody who might come looking for it in the far future. he locked himself in a server room and shut himself down in the hopes someone would find him someday and wake him up, so he could tell them everything he’d seen.

unfortunately, the shut down caused him to reset, and when he woke up on his own decades later, he couldnt remember anything about himself or the place he was in. he searched the facility for any clues to what happened, but he couldnt find much that wasnt already indecipherable or completely destroyed. when he exited the building, he’d found nothing but an abandoned metropolis, which only threw him into more confusion and left him with an unbearable feeling of loneliness. 

with no memory and no other goals, he decided to simply wander the city to find any hint of life or history he could. his new mission was to find out what happened to him and the place he woke up in.

over time, with much still remaining a mystery to him, he expanded his search outside the city. he became a wandering traveler on mars, following any hints of past civilization to try to piece together whatever he could find. he began documenting anything that seemed relevant to him, to try and make sense of the ruins and the planet, and collected small artifacts and documents that were relatively intact

he wandered for many, many years. long enough to wear him down, sometimes emotionally, sometimes physically. he reset many times, leaving him again and again with no memory, always setting him back. the only thing he had to go by each time was his collections, which sent him on the same mission each time

the journey was not a constant struggle. during his travels he would encounter many people, some lone wanders, some small settlements, some with a goal similar to his, and many wildy different. some would show him kindness, some would not, some would simply be on their way. sometimes they shared stories, exchanged information, sang together, ate together. sometimes they would offer him shelter for the night, sometimes he would travel with them for a time before parting ways. many offered him a way to earth, where a settlement had formed under the dead god-machine they’d spoken of. oberon respectfully declined any exit from mars, as it was all he’d known and his objective was here.

one person in particular he’d met was lumina forest, who’d also woken up on mars with no memory of herself or her surroundings. she had helped him out of an encounter with some cabal, and they quickly became friends. she was a guardian, a person gifted the light of the traveler, as he’d heard from other wanderers and encountered himself a few times. as a guardian, she told him her place was on earth, where she could help protect what was left of humanity. she offered to take him with her, but again he declined. regardless, they would remain in contact through a communicator she’d given him. even through his last three resets, she remained a constant, familiar voice, even if he couldn’t remember her.

not long after his thirteenth reset, he was caught in the crossfire of a battle between the vex and cabal. in the struggle to escape, most everything he’d collected and documented over decades upon decades was either lost or destroyed, including the communicator given to him by lumina. the wounds he’d gotten from the battle were too much to recover from, and he died in a crevice in the middle of the desert.

when his ghost, index, found him and brought him to life, he’d yet again forgotten everything, as per usual with any guardian. this time, however, he’d had no notes or artifacts to fall back to, or the familiar voice of a friend who tried her best to fill him in on the details he couldn’t recall. with no real reason to stay on mars, despite the inexplicable feeling in the back of his mind that urged him to stay, his new partner gave him a new goal. the two would travel to earth to protect the city beneath the traveler from anything that might threaten it. so the pair left mars to live on earth, where humanity needed them most.

[suffernotawitchtolive]

I don’t want to know who we are when we aren’t together || Self

The world spun around him, the scrapes felt like holes in his flesh. The pain had only been this bad once before. They had been torturing Joshua and then had killed Wren. This pain only compared to the look on Joshua’s face as he died. Of course Wren hadn’t stayed dead, but now he wished this pain was death. In the moment he wanted death. Joshua had turned on him. Joshua had protected the witch. Wren hadn’t even wanted to kill her. whether she continued to follow his trail or not, he wanted to quit hunting and settle down with Joshua. Maybe have a new parish, but Joshua wasn’t settling down with him. Joshua had betrayed him for Kouri.

The silence was ripped apart with a pained sob. Wren gripped his own hair as he leaned back against the truck. He had driven for hours to get away from the attack. To get away from Joshua. Had it been a ruse? Had he been trying to save Wren from her? Why would he attack Wren that way if it was to protect him?

Attacked him. Joshua attacked him to defend that girl. Joshua had shot him. Wren had broken the bolt and left most of it in his shoulder. the pain started to lace through his arm and chest, his tattoo kept throbbing as he sobbed. His sobs got the attention of the hunters he had driven to inside the safe house. 

He was covered in blood and starting to tremble violently. His arm was starting to lose function in the pain from the bolt and he was starting to feel dizzy. Joshua had shot him. Judas shot him. At least he wasn’t dead. But had he betrayed Wren or was he still protecting Wren. The ground spun up to meet him but was caught and carried inside.

He had woken up three days later. they had moved him to a different state. He was in a small clinic inside a small church. He guessed. With all the crosses and the saints on the white walls. It was a four bed clinic. No one else was in here. He knew this was a hunter recovery unit. A witness protection for him while he was injured. They would probably make him work here while he recovered. Little did they know, he would recover much faster than he should and he would be gone before they released him.

Now weeks had passed and no word came from Judas. She had bewitched him. That had to be it. Joshua wouldn’t do this.

Wren didn’t speak. He just answered the yes or no questions with a nod or shake of his head. Anything else got a polite nod or smile. He barely interacted with anyone and only did the bare minimum. He had been injured badly, emotionally and physically. this place was quiet and understanding. Beautiful and comfortable. He hated it. He would give any number of days here up to be with Joshua again one more time in that damn asylum. 

“Father.” He jumped, being caught off guard, a tear rolling down his cheek. It was a small, young, nun. He tilted his head to acknowledge her speaking to him, “Father. You’ve lost someone... and not to death. That’s how you came to us,isnt it?” She said softly to him. He looked down to the ground and gently brushed the tear off his face. 

She watched him in silence then started to play with a flower to give him a moment to himself in the most polite way she could, “That is why we are here. The Vatican send the injured home to be retired. you were intended for retirement. They know that you’ve lost someone important. I’m here to help you get them back. I am sister Lynn. Father Gregory is going to aid you as well as sisters Rita, and Gwen. Gwen is a mute as you are.” 

Wren shook his head, speaking softly, his voice quiet. He hadn’t ever heard it so quiet before yet so clear,” I’m not mute, Sister. I didn’t mean to be rude. I just had nothing to say.” 

“You do now, and it wasn’t that.” She looked down,” You’re going to tell me you do not need help. this is why the Vatican sends the wounded home. Sends those who have lost others to us. We are here specifically for rescue missions. You’re going to tell us to stay here. That is why we can’t. The Vatican sent you to us to make sure this is a recuse mission and not a revenge mission.” She lay a hand on his arm as he started to feel the air being forced from him. They weren’t going to let him kill Kouri, and his injuries were not great enough for him to be retired. Judas had wounds to great to keep hunting so they would either retire him, or worse, since he wasn’t of use to them anymore and all supernaturals were blasphemy. He couldn’t let them get Judas in their hands.

“I can’t save him.” She seemed shocked. A priest in love was something that sometimes happened, and love had been what they saw him grieving. A priest in love with a man was more taboo than the killing they did, “We can’t save him. He doesn’t wish to be saved. I can no longer fight. The Vatican made a poor judgement on this one. I’m too injured. you’ve seen my shoulder. I can’t move this arm at all. It was ruined in the fight.”

“you have spent more words making excuses than anything else you have said here. Father. Your in the protection of the church and all of those you keep are now as well. The church will cause you no grief. After we retrieve the one you lost, you are both retired. He has done amazing work for the Vatican under your guidance. This is a true rescue and release mission. They reviewed your report of the Asylum. Great work.” She almost blushed. He was a legend, honestly. their best hunter. He had done better work at the asylum than anyone there had known.

Wren smiled bitterly and squinted to the sun above them. It was a cool day. Not cool enough to keep the snow from melting once the sun got higher. Right now the snow was still freshly fallen at their feet on the sides of the path. Just freshly cleaned. Had been cold enough to snow but somehow not cold enough to kill the flowers.

"Youre new here, Sister. You were given orders to aid me in finding the ome I lost. You are to aid me in saving him. You didnt know it was a him, you dont have a name yet or you would be skeptical of saving him. Father has different orders. Je is a fore extinguisher. He is to escalate the situation until the only line of action... is to kill me and the one I have lost in the process of 'saving' either you or humself or one of the others. He may kill the girl who has my friend captive. He may not. She isnt on their radar yet. I didnt think she was a threat so never reported her." He started to walk, hands clasped at his back.

"I... father Wren, that's not..." she stammered as she followed. He spun on her, making eye contact and started to compel her.

"Forget this conversation. You havent seen me this morning. You will go to find me in my room. Go on." He watched as she calmly turned and went the other direction. His tattoo chastised him for letting her go. A witch. A fire extinguisher here to redeem herself to the church. Or another soul to sacrifice to the church as Wren had done over and over. It didnt matter to him. She would have died in the field. They wouldnt let her get to her second mission.

He had overturned his room. Made it look like a major struggle. Broken bed, broken desk. There was a broken bookcase and papers thrown around, curtains burned and torn. He avoided everyone as they ran to see what had happened. He made it to his truck and used magic to start it, he disnt know where they hid his keys.

He had to go save Judas. Reverse whatever spell kouri had put on him. It had to be a spell. Had to be. Joshua would never turn on him for her. Not after all they had been through. Not after all he had put Joshua through. Not after...

Wren couldnt think about this any other way. Not now. He had to concentrate and had to think of how to actually fight Joshua this time even though Joshua wasnt going to hold back like Wren had to.

As he drove he muttered a spell, A delayed spell that set off bombs he had planted in the church. There were areas he knew no one would be this early in the morning and he had planted them there to keep the church away. He knew that the Vtican wanted to retire him. He knew that meant theg wanted him dead. True retirement came after long trials. Sitting and reporting to the vatican in person. Presenting your case and begging for it. Most of the time if you were Wrens age, you were denied. Judas was even younger and an abomination. Wren had always known they wouldnt reture Judas.

He winced and held his own shoulder. The pain was lacing its way down his arm, years springing to his eyes. Judas had shot him. Had been stating at him and not recognised him. Judas had shot at him and sent him away, protecting his childhood...

"Stop it, Wren." He told himself aloud," Stop thinking that way. There was no way she could turn him. He knew the blood and gore on my hands. He knew it all. I told him. He had hated me for it but we had worked it out. We were okay. We were in live. He would never turn on me."

Unless she told him how her family had been innocent and she had been run out of her families home. Had been orphaned by her priest. Unless he had once loved this girl and now reunited, he loved her more. Or just plain loved her. Didnt live Wren and finally figured it out. Wren sobbed.

"Im his mission." A cry ripped from his chest. Judas wouldnt do this to him. No matter what. He had never given up on Wren. Judas should have. The moment Wren doubted him, used him, ruined him. Wren sobbed even harder but he had to keep driving.

He could feel blood running down his arm but instead of giving in to the pain, he used it. He started to mutter a spell the blood laying into the shape of his tattoo until a name struck him. He knew where Judas was. He was going to save him. No matter the cost.

The cost could be Judas. That was right. If he killed Kouri while Judas was under the spell he would be stuck under the spell. He had to break it. That was clever. She knew he couldnt kill her until she removed the spell. Never remove the spell, never die. Leverage.

Wren had to make a backup plan. Had to fix this. He had to.

Finally after a day and a night he pulled over and fell asleep in the cab of his truck, blood dried on his arm and side making his shirt stick to him in the cold. He slept, almost as if at peace. He knew what was coming. He prayed he was wrong. His dreams told him he wasnt.

The windshield cracked.

@tattoobruised

@pride-and-wrathfulness

@alexanderforhire

[teddy-feathers]

Ive got some issues and all I got was this stupid personality disorder label

Hurting myself isnt an answer.

Substituting physical for emotional pain doesn't work ive tried.

But half the time it seems like its the only way to prove things are tearing me up inside and it matters you know?

People dont take your pain seriosuly if youre not an active danger to yourself and others.

How ever since 2012 - we wont get into the shit in 2011/2010 - i have wrecked my car intentionally at least twice to get out of something,

I have cut my arm open and made up a ridiculous story that everyone bought (and still tell people because it is sort of funny and totally something 'I' would do) because it makes more sense then what really happend - I was trying to get out of a conversation i didnt want to have

I ran away to Pittsburg without a word to anyone because it was the first flight leaving that was going someplace that didn't make sense for me to go

I commited fraud - actually for the second time in my life though this time was much different and kinda a fluke - pulled all my cash, took a bua ride to virgina where I was on the street for two days before finding the homeles shelter

Didn't talk to anyone I knew for over a year with one exception that I dont want to get into

Agreed to come home to a place I didn't want to be, to go to school despite not wanting to because it was the 'right' thing to do

Stopped going to classes no matter how.hard I tried to force myself

While for a while i DID get a shrink I stopped going to see her too even though that did make every thing more bearable

I literally find it unsafe for me to drive because the urge to wreck is constant, with some minor urges to just drive away and never come back

I DID wreck my moms car because I was rushing because going to work is such a trial I will watch the time approach until its too late or almost to late before going despite WANTING to be there

Ive lost my job because I simple stopped going because I couldn't STAND them saying nice things about me when I felt like I was fucking all the things up

At my current job I sometimes do go hide in the bathroom to calm down, or have vauge out days where I'm not really there even though Im there.

Ive been really anxious when I do just about anything except when Im not and then I think I'm just psyching myself out for the attention - even though EVERYTHING in me says ANY attention is bad attention

I basically only want to sleep. Get up. Go to work. Come home. Sleep. Get up. Dinner time and or shower. Back to sleep.

Only i dont always just sleep sometimes i just lay there very much not present while I scroll through tumblr because its the only medium i dont actually have to focus on.

I dont read or write or doodle or play games or do much of anything because it makes me uncomfortable. I cant focus. Feel guilty. I should be doing xyz. Bored despite really wanting to do this.

I dont talk to my friends much and part of that is the schedule - im up at five so im usually going to bed when people are free or at work.

But honestly I can feel how much time I somehow lose or waste like a sweater thats shrunk in the wash.

I shower only once to twice a week which is about the time I finally notice im gross and realize I have to do something about it or people will care

I know some of my current issue is the season but this isnt a new thing or even a dramatic worsening of the state of affairs in my life.

This is the norm it just feels worse right now.

And that's kind of terrifying.

I have very casual disregard for my wellbeing

Im apathetic or angry or want to die...

I want to suffer in a way that's physical and people care about so I can feel valid and not broken

But i dont want help because nothing is wrong

Im being dramatic

And any attention is bad attention

Because i cant explain yes I'm suffering and this is hard for me why must you go out of your way to make it worse dad - without also feeling like oh I dont tell or show him how im hurting at all and when I do its not in a way that makes him take it seriously and never has he ever changed

And it's not just him though its hard to focus on not being upset at him because every thing I normally DONT deal with comes flooding up whenever something new happens

It's... How I don't need people to treat me like I'm glass. To be sympathetic or sad at me. But itd be nice to be able to call in because I'm too scared to go to work. Or leave early because I can't hold it together this long.

And its terrifying to know that maybe my brain just doesn't handle stress well enough to work a full eight hour shift, or five days straight of work. That it takes a full day to recover from stress and during that time Im basically useless and not going to do much in the way of chores or what not.

And though I will on the second there's also a chance the doldrums will set in and going to work will feel like an impossibility the next day.

I'm not making enough money working what I am. I cant afford to cut back.

Just like I can't afford surviving another car wreck.

Just like going to a mental institute or a hospital because I cut my arm open or stabed myself in the leg or a dozen other things or just decided to draw red lines on my arm with a paring knife because even though it doesnt help it might make me feel like my pain is real even though doing it would instantly invalidate it because its for attention that I dont want not only wouldnt help but would make my life worse.

Im just. Sick of my own bullshit. And even if I could find another shrink I like, I couldnt garentee Id keeping going - hell I dont want to go right now even though I want to - and I sure as hell couldn't afford it.

Im tired of being a burden.

I dont want to be here - I shouldnt be here - and laziness and avoidance of conflict is the only reason I havent worked on going anywhere else.

I do bad on my own. Emotionally and in the taking care of myself department. But I also cant say I'm reliable for any stretch of time. Short bursts yes but not consistantly cause brain likes to avoid and run and panic and fall apart. So it also seems pointless to plan to go anywhere because I'll fuck myself over before too long.

I'm just not okay.

And I'm tired of not being okay.

And I'm upset and emotional and maybe just maybe

If i write enough of this down Ill drown it out in the senseless rambling of my own thoughts.