#ylafdbinisb

[whalefairyfandom12]

Your Love’s a Fucking Drag (But I Need It So Bad)

Summary: Dan likes black and leather jackets, Phil likes reading in solitude and playing video games. But they have one thing in common as new roommates at uni: They are both completely straight. Just because they like to get each other off every once in a while doesn’t make it any different. 

A/N: So I just checked the masterpost and apparently it’s almost been a year since my last chapter. Open apology to Rachel and anyone that still reads this for the massive delay--hopefully I won’t take another year next time haha. Also the Halloween parts are because I was going to post this in October/November until I lost power so enjoy some seasonally appropriate spooks.

Word Count: 3383

tw; language, smoking, smut

co-written with botanistlester

Masterpost

Chapter Ten

There were certain facts in life that were indisputable. Beyonce was queen, Jar Jar Binks was a stain on humanity, water was wet, and Dan Howell was hot. And because it was indisputable acknowledgment of the latter was normal, healthy even. It didn’t mean Phil was gay or anything, just that he had eyes and appreciated aesthetically pleasing things.

So noticing the strangely attractive combination of sexy and adorable that was Dan’s still damp hair was a perfectly heterosexual thing to do. Phil was just confident enough in his masculinity to notice.

Dan was surveying himself in the mirror, arms crossed. A black and white plaid shirt tapered around his waist over a pair of black skinny jeans. “How do I look?” he asked, turning to pose dramatically. It should’ve looked ridiculous--and it did, but Dan broke character, smiling widely enough for his dimple to show and fuck if he didn’t look good.

“Yeah. Really good.” Phil cleared his throat, mouth dry. “You’re leaving your hair curly?”

“I was thinking about embracing the hobbit hair on a more permanent basis.”

“Why?” The word emerged more incredulous than Phil had intended, but the unrelenting curliness of his roommate’s hair had always been one of his favorite subjects of complaint.

Dan made a contemplative sound, reaching for his jacket. “It never stays straight for one. I step outside and if there’s any humidity I look like a deformed hedgehog. And…” he trailed off, shrugging. “I guess it doesn’t look that bad when it’s shorter.” He slung his coat over his arm, popping open the door. “You sure you don’t want to come?”

Phil shook his head. “I don’t want to crash your date,” he said, supportive smile strained.

“What?” Dan blinked at him uncomprehendingly. “What are you talking about?”

“Your romantic evening with Cheryl?”

“We’re just going as friends,” Dan clarified. “We talked a few days ago and realized there was no point in letting something like what happened ruin a perfectly good friendship.” Personally, Phil wasn’t sure how cheating could be summed up as casually as ‘something like this,’ but he nodded anyway. “So you wouldn’t be crashing. I think Jo and Avery are coming too.”

Phil choked on his own spit, book tumbling to the floor. Dan was there in a flash, dusting the cover off and handing it over. “Sorry,” he said, clearing his throat. “I was just surprised.” Surprised was putting it lightly, considering one of the last times he’d seen Dan and Avery together they looked like they were going to punch each other. He sighed, making a face as his gaze returned to his English. He did have the whole weekend, and part of him wanted to be there in case anything happened. “Okay,” he said finally. “If you’re sure.”

Dan’s expression lit up. “Positive.”

Phil rolled off the sofa, shoving his feet into his trainers. He wasn’t anywhere as dressed up as Dan, but he figured Illuminati t-shirts were always in style. “One condition, you have to share your popcorn.”

Dan rolled his eyes, lips pressing together in a smile. “And here I thought you actually wanted to spend time with me.”

“I do, but it’s mostly about the food.” Phil ducked through the door, Dan following and locking it behind them. “Did you grab the key?”

Dan jangled the keys in his pocket. “What kind of fool do you take me for?”

“One that usually does.”

The boy elbowed him in the ribs. “Shut up, spork.”

Phil elbowed him back, smiling. Dan’s nicknames devolved on the daily, and he’d be lying if he said they weren’t at least a little endearing. “What movie are we watching?”

“It. I’m excited to see it, but in terms of movies coming out at the end of this year I think I’m more hyped for Star Wars,” Dan said. “I really hope they don’t show the trailer because I’ve been trying not to watch it. I want it to be full immersion.”

“For it to be a ‘star war’ does it have to involve multiple planets or does it just have to happen on a planet far far away?” Phil mused. “Like if someone on Tatooine was learning about World War II would that be a star war or an earth war?”

“I think it has to involve other planets?” Dan said, frowning. “So earth war? I still don’t understand why Kylo Ren built what was basically a clone of the first death star. I get he had a thing for Vadar but that was stupid even for him.”

“I think that’s just called bad writing,” Phil said wryly.

Dan laughed. “I think you’re right. There’s a special place in hell for plot holes. They’re not even a pet peeve anymore--they’re ruining my life.” He pulled out his phone, turning it on to reveal a picture they’d taken at Marzia’s last month. Dan’s arm was slung over his shoulder, free hand making his signature peace sign. Phil had pulled a face at the last minute, crossing his eyes and making a fish mouth. “We’re running a few minutes late,” he said.

“I don’t mind missing the previews.” Phil gave him a wary look. “Are you going to fall off your chair when there’s a jumpscare?”

Dan’s eyes widened in horror. “I hadn’t even thought of that. Jesus.”

“I’ll pretend to spill my Pepsi so no one sees.”

“Thank you Phil. What a true friend.”

“I try.”

“Seriously though,” Dan said, with another glance at his phone. “We were supposed to be there ten minutes ago.”

“I’ll race you there,” Phil offered. “And by race I mean run three meters before collapsing on the ground from lack of exercise.”

Dan was grinning, already getting into position. “It’s on Lester.”

-

“Are you going to make me sleep with all the lights on again?” Phil asked.

Dan nodded. “Protect me dad. And also move over.”

Phil rolled his eyes, sliding further into the booth nonetheless. They were grabbing dinner post movie before heading back to campus, and he was crammed in between Jo and Dan in the middle of the bench. Cheryl and Avery were draped over each other across the table, and the rest of them had come to a mutual agreement not to disrupt them for the sake of everyone’s innocence.

“I didn’t think it was that scary,” Jo said, winding one of the straw wrappers around her finger. “More suspense than horror.”

“I might have some clown related nightmares,” Phil said. “But only for tonight, not the whole week unlike someone I know.” He turned towards Dan, nudging him with his foot. “I could always tie a red balloon to your bed when you’re least expecting it.”

Dan narrowed his eyes. “Only if you want to me to put knives in the cereal.”

“What? Why?”

“Because then,” he said empathetically, face centimeters away from Phil’s. “Maybe you’d learn your lesson Lester.”

“Save the domestic shit for the bedroom,” Avery interrupted loudly. He and Cheryl had finally remembered they were two separate entities and dismounted, though Phil noted with some amusement that their knees were still pressed together under the table.

“Only if you do,” Dan retorted.

Avery huffed amusedly. “Fair point.” Surprisingly, he and Dan had gotten along fine so far. He and Cheryl spent most of the evening off in their own world, and the few interactions had been civil enough.

“Hey Phil.”

Phil looked up at the sound of Cheryl’s voice, chewing on the end of his straw absentmindedly. “Yeah?”

“You’re coming to my party this weekend, right?”

He spat his water onto the placemat, Dan patting him on the back helpfully. “Sorry?”

“Dan already said he was coming,” Cheryl continued.

“I did?”

“--And you can be his plus one! It’ll be so much fun.”

Phil couldn’t help but remember what had happened the last time he’d attended a party Cheryl had promised would be fun. “I’m not really a party kind of person.”

“Please?”

He met Dan’s eyes, raising a questioning eyebrow. Dan inclined his head, shrugging as if to say if you’re in. Resigned, he looked back to Cheryl. Hopefully the alcohol would be stronger this time. “Okay.”

-

Thursday afternoon Phil came home to two boxes of flying saucers, enough Cadbury eggs, Aero bars, and Galaxy chocolate to feed his entire English class, and another box of what he was pretty sure were Maltesers sitting on the floor. Dan was sprawled across the carpet, phone in one hand and a Mars bar in the other.

“I’m glad you remembered to buy food for game night,” Phil said. “But I think you might’ve overdone it a little.”

Dan smiled innocently, holding aloft a bursting bag. Phil didn’t even want to know where he’d been hiding it. “Actually, that’s mine. This is for tonight.”

“I don’t understand how you we haven’t died from a heart attack yet.”

“Says the one who ate all the marshmallows last time we tried to bake.”

“I have no idea what you’re on about.”

“Or the chocolate chips last time I wanted to bake cookies?”

Phil shook his head disapprovingly. “We really need to take care of the mouse problem. They keep eating all of our hard earned ingredients.”

“Yes, because I’m sure the mice have developed opposable thumbs advanced enough to open packaging.”

“It’s possible. Can I at least have a Cadbury egg?” Dan tossed him one wordlessly. “Thanks.” He settled next to the other boy, back resting against the sofa. “Do you want to watch the episode of Riverdale we missed?”

Dan held up a finger in the universal wait for it symbol, pulling his laptop out of his bag and opening it. The page was already queued to the episode, and the cursor hovered over play. “I thought you’d never ask.”

-

Phil adjusted his grip on Susan’s arms, eyes widening in amusement at his reflection. Because he wasn’t already broke enough, he had a slightly unhealthy hobby of investing in strangely wonderful crap that had very little actual use. The stress mushroom had been bad enough, but he thought maybe the inflatable gargoyle could be considered slightly worse. Or better, depending on your point of view.

“What the hell is that?”

Phil patted Susan’s head, beaming. He spun to face Dan, throwing his arms out in a dramatic pose. His inflatable Halloween costume had arrived this morning, but he was only just getting a chance to try it out. “What do you think? It’s for Cheryl’s party.”

“I think it should go back to Hell where it belongs,” Dan said. He reached out and poked Susan’s head, making a face. “Do I even want to know where you found this?”

“Her name is Susan, and you know how Amazon suggests things for you?” Phil shrugged, an impressive feat given his current position.

Dan shook his head. “I’m not even surprised anymore.”

“I think they had a pink version if you’re interested.”

“You know, I think I’m good.”

Phil bent over, giving him a headbutt from Susan. “Try laying on it. It’s really comfortable, actually.”

Dan gave him a look. “No thanks.”

Susan gave him another headbutt. “Come on.” His roommate gave a long suffering sigh, resting his head against the gargoyle’s shoulder. “Weirdly comfy, right?”

Dan sighed, pressing a hand against his forehead. “Yes Phil, I love having an air pump bore a hole into my pocket.”

“It’s okay Susan,” Phil said. He leaned further back and patted one of her horns reassuringly. “I still love you.” He jumped as something vibrated in his pocket, locating his phone. A picture of he and Maria at their senior prom flashed across his screen as he swiped to answer. “Hello?”

“Hey Phil! Are you still coming up this weekend?” Susan knocked into the refrigerator. Shit. Maria correctly took his silence as an answer. “You forgot, didn’t you?”

Phil wondered if it would be too much to ask the floor to swallow him whole. “Maria I’m so sorry. I can’t believe I forgot.”

“So you’re not coming?”

He collapsed on his bed, cradling the phone against his ear. “I was invited to a party this weekend and I said I would go.”

She made a disbelieving sound. “You hate parties. Can’t you just cancel?”

“I would, it’s just…” he glanced towards Dan, who was graciously studying through his phone like it held the basecode of the universe. “I promised Dan I would go.”

There was a pause. Maria’s voice was icy when she spoke again. “Dan, huh? Well you promised me you would visit a month ago and I’m the one you’re dating. Or have you changed your mind?”

“Of course I haven’t changed my mind,” Phil said defensively. Okay, so maybe he’d been bad at remembering to call and he’d almost forgotten to wish her luck on her last exam but he’d been spending a lot of time with Dan lately, and maybe it wasn’t so strange Maria was questioning his feelings.“I love you, Maria. You’re the only person I want to be with.”

Her tone softened fractionally. “I love you too. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have gotten upset. I really am glad you’re making friends. I guess I just miss you.”

Phil winced, shrinking under the guilt. He was really losing points in the boyfriend department. “I miss you too,” he said. “But next weekend I’m all yours. I promise.”

He could hear Maria’s smile through the phone. “I’m holding you to that. Have a good time at your party.”

“Thanks. Happy Halloween.”

“You too. Class is starting, but I’ll talk to you later.”

Phil ended the call and returned his phone to his pocket, waving a hand in front of Dan’s face. “You can stop pretending to play Angry Birds.”

“I never pretend about Angry Birds.” He held up his phone. “I almost beat my high score too.”

“Sorry to kill the streak.”

“Is everything okay? It sounded like it was getting pretty intense.”

Phil sighed, starting to roll over before remembering Susan and thinking better of it. “I completely forgot I was supposed to visit her this weekend.”

“I don’t mind if you’d rather do that,” Dan said. “She is your girlfriend, after all.”

“It’s okay, we rescheduled for next weekend.”

Dan stared at him for a moment, expression uncharacteristically unreadable. “If you’re sure.”

“Positive.” Phil reached for the Susan’s kill switch, watching it the gargoyle deflate. “Remember? It’s going to be the most fun I’ve ever had.”

-

Phil was not having the fun he’d ever had. At least there hadn’t been any crying so in that aspect it was already better than last time, but he supposed that was a pretty low bar. In the end he’d left Susan at home, but he wasn’t sure if he stuck out more being the only person not in costume. He’d worn a Halloween themed jumper at least, and Dan was similarly dressed, but even Avery had made a lame attempt at a zombie costume.

“I feel slightly underdressed,” Dan said, echoing his thoughts. “Maybe we should’ve looked harder for the cat ears.”

“I don’t know,” Phil said. “I think my costume as ‘internet introvert that finally left the house’ is pretty scary.”

Dan laughed before screwing his features into a mask of terror, pressing a hand to his heart and backing against the wall. “Get it away from me! It’s hideous!”

Dan’s laugh was infectious, and for a moment Phil was able to forget the stares from everyone around him and the way his shoulder was plastered uncomfortably to the arm of the person beside him. “You should’ve gone as a rat to embrace your true self.”

“I take back everything I said earlier. You’re a terrible friend.”

Phil shot him a look of pure betrayal, or as close a one as he could muster anyway. “How fickle of you Daniel.”

Dan opened his mouth to respond when a third year shoved him into Phil as she pushed past. Her breath smelled like beer, laugh loud and intoxicated. Phil staggered under her and Dan’s combined weight, bracing himself against the wall and knocking into the man behind him. Dan managed to regain his balance, mouthing an apology. The music swelled as the song switched to an electronic remix of Call Your Girlfriend that was a little too loud to be comfortable. Phil wondered how bad it was that he’d only been here for half an hour and he was ready to leave.

Dan wrinkled his nose, plugging his ears. His lips were moving again, the sound inaudible. Phil made an ‘x’ and pointed to the door, inclining his head in question. Dan frowned, shaking his head. Phil sighed, leaning in. “Do you want to get out of here?” he asked, raising his voice.

Dan looked relieved. “I thought you’d never ask!” he shouted. It was all the warning Phil had before he turned and plunged headfirst into the crowd.

Despite his roommate’s height Phil lost track of him after a few seconds, and quickly found himself pathetically and hopelessly lost. Sweat was starting to gather at the base of his neck, and he stumbled to a halt, standing on his tiptoes and scanning the crowd. Still no Dan--not that he could see or hear him anyway over the blood rushing in his ears that was almost as loud as the music and infinitely more headache inducing, He took a step and tripped over the couple beside him, the boy’s elbow catching him in the throat and knocking the air out of his lungs.

Phil had gotten lost the first and only time he’d ever gone to America. He and his family had taken an afternoon trip to the mall, but he’d gotten distracted by the Pikachu plushies and when he looked again everyone had disappeared. He’d been seven then, but the feeling of abandoned terror was the same.

He forced in a shuddering gasp of air, pulse thudding under his fingertips. The room felt like it was getting hotter, or maybe it’s just him because he can’t breathe and he doesn’t know where the door is or even a bathroom and he can’t find Dan and everything is so loud and he thinks he might die here and--

“Phil!” Dan shoved through the crowd, coming to a halt with visible relief that quickly turned to concern. “What’s wrong?”

He shook his head, forcing himself to speak past the tightening of his throat. “Outside.” Dan’s expression softened in understanding, and he reached for his hand. The pressure was familiar, grounding and reassuring as Dan led him along the edges of the room to the door. The exit had never looked better, and Phil fumbled for the handle with his free hand, sweat slicked fingers slipping over the brass. Dan nudged him out of the way and pushed it open, ushering him outside.

He relaxed at the first breath of fresh air, sinking against the wall. He exhaled shakily, head resting against the brick to face the stars. From out here he could tune out the music, and he dropped Dan’s hand to wipe his palms against his jeans. “I’m sorry for making you leave,” he said. “I don’t mind if you want to stay.”

Dan smiled, something in the gesture subdued. Guilt twisted at the knowledge that it was probably because of him--because he couldn’t walk the fifteen meters to the door like a normal person without almost having a panic attack. “Trust me, I’m more than happy to leave. Do you feel any better?”

Phil nodded. “A little. Thanks for not leaving.”

“I would only consider it if you actually did put a red balloon in my room. I think we still have Chinese in the fridge,” Dan suggested lightly. “And there’s season two of Stranger Things to finish.”

Phil managed a weak smile. “That sounds great,” he said, conveying as much gratitude in those three words as he could. He wondered what he could’ve possibly done to deserve someone like Dan as his roommate, but whatever it was he was thankful. Somehow he always knew he what he needed, even if Phil himself hadn’t figured it out yet.

Without thinking he reached for Dan’s hand again, falling into step beside him as they headed home.

[botanistlester]

Your Love’s a Fucking Drag (But I Need it So Bad)

Summary: Dan likes black and leather jackets, Phil likes reading in solitude and playing video games. But they have one thing in common as new roommates at uni: They are both completely straight. Just because they like to get each other off every once in a while doesn’t make it any different. Word Count: 2846 Warnings: Cussing, smoking, smut. @whalefairyfandom12 writes Phil’s POV @phansdick writes Dan’s POV

Read it on Wattpad Read it on AO3 Masterpost

-

Chapter Nine

Dan needed to talk to somebody. His emotions were getting out of hand, his confusion making his head spin. He felt as if he was questioning everything in his life, as if his entire world was crashing down around him. He didn’t know what he was really doing anymore or what he was actually feeling.

Sometimes when Phil looked at him, he would get a strange feeling in his stomach, as if he had swallowed a ton of bees and they were trying to escape. It wasn’t the most pleasant thing, but his body reacted in the weirdest of ways, making him blush like no other, making him feel quite unlike himself. It was how he’d felt with Cheryl, except, there was no way he was able to feel like that. He wasn’t gay. That’s not how it was supposed to work.

It had to be alterous attraction, attraction that is indistinguishable between platonic, romantic, or sexual attraction. People often feel like this about their friends, don’t they? Where they can’t tell whether they want to date them or just be their friend? That’s a thing, right?

It was definitely what Dan was feeling. He was just feeling platonic attraction for his friend, nothing more. He just wanted Phil’s health and happiness and was extremely happy around him and it was making him confused, even though he didn’t need to be. So what if they’d done sexual things before? Dan would do that to help a friend out. It wasn’t a big deal, didn’t mean he would have sex with Phil.

God, he needed to talk this out. He needed to talk to somebody, anybody. But who would listen to him rant about something like this? Who wouldn’t judge him, wouldn’t tell him that he was a freak? After the whole party fiasco with Cheryl, Dan had lost most of his friends. Hell, he never really had made many friends at college in the first place, instead sticking to Cheryl like a wet sponge and calling the man he cheated on her with his ‘best friend’. He had nobody. Nobody he could talk to about the demons terrorizing his brain. But maybe… Cheryl had been Dan’s friend before they started dating. They did everything together, talked about anything that was on their minds. She was the first person Dan would go to whenever something horrible happened, the first person Dan had told when he lost his virginity for the first time. The thought of telling her the feelings he was harbouring for Phil made him absolutely terrified, but he didn’t know where else to go. If he held this in any longer, he might just explode.

So he called her. He calmed the shaking of his hands and dialed the familiar number, holding the phone up to his ear while holding his breath. She answered on the third ring, sounding pleasantly confused. Dan didn’t blame her. Why would her ex boyfriend call her after a horrible breakup? It just didn’t make sense. But nothing Dan did made sense anymore, anyways. “Dan?” She asked, and she didn’t sound pissed, which was a good sign. “What are you calling me for?”

Dan cleared his throat, tried to erase the uncertainty from his voice, but it didn’t really work. His voice wavered anyways, making him sound like a lost puppy. “I didn’t know who else to call,” he admitted. The wind blew around him and he cupped his hand over the receiver so his ex could hear him better. “I have a situation and nobody I can talk to about it. I know you probably hate me or something, but can we meet up? I really need to get this off of my chest.”

There was silence on the end of the line. She was probably trying to figure out the best way to tell Dan to go fuck himself, to tell Dan that he was useless and she never wanted to speak to him again, to tell him that she moved on and he was so pathetic for calling- “Of course we can talk. Did you want to get some lunch from the dining hall? You know I’m always here for you, no matter what happens between us.”

Dan’s heart squeezed in his chest. He couldn’t help but wonder if she would still say that after she found out what he did. What he did with Phil. When he cheated on her with his own roommate. He was a fucking disgrace. “I…” he breathed, relieved. “Thank you so much. That sounds wonderful.”

They hung up quickly, no dilly dallying or apologies between them. Perhaps that would come later. Perhaps it wouldn’t even come at all. That was fine. Dan knew that he should get different friends so he didn’t have to talk to his own ex girlfriend about this sort of thing. He wouldn’t blame her if she walked out today hating his guts. The dining hall was a nicely decorated place with art hanging on the walls and fake palm trees in every corner. It always played nice music, Red Hot Chili Peppers blaring through the speakers. It made Dan want to dance usually, but today he just felt as if the music didn’t really match his mood. It was a strange feeling. There was a buffet table in the middle and different fast food joints decorating the hall, completed with circular tables scattered all over the place. Students were either chatting amongst themselves or studying for exams, and soon Dan would be joining them. He sat down at the nearest table, taking off his leather jacket and hanging it on the chair. He took out his phone and unlocked it, pursing his lips when he saw two texts from Phil himself.

Phil Lester

Where r u? Hope you arent dead. Bring back food if ur not a ghost

The texts made Dan smile and he shot off a quick response to tell Phil that he was with Cheryl and to get his own food, and then he was interrupted by Cheryl appearing out of seemingly nowhere. “Hey,” Cheryl said cautiously. She was as gorgeous as always, her golden hair falling in waves down her back and her blue eyes lined with perfected black eyeliner. She had some sort of gloss on her lips that made them look particularly kissable. Except Dan didn’t feel the need to drag her into the other room anymore. He didn’t feel that certain warmth that coiled in his belly when he saw her anymore. What was wrong with him? She took a seat in front of him, having already grabbed some food (a cheese pizza and grapes from the looks of it), and gave him an uncertain smile. He smiled back, internally grimacing at the awkward atmosphere. “It’s nice to see you again,” he said quietly, watching as she pushed her grapes around with a fork. She sighed, not sounding too happy. “Look, Dan. I know our breakup was hard on you, but I don’t want to get back together, okay? Our relationship was all about sex at the end and I think it would just make us both happier if we didn’t try to mend what we had.”

Dan gaped at her. “I- what?” He sputtered.

“I just don’t think we’re good together anymore. We can be friends, but I don’t want anything more with you.”

He stared at her. She stared at her grapes. She was… completely serious. Dan snorted and covered his mouth with his hand, trying to stifle his laughter. Cheryl’s eyes shot up and she stared at him in disbelief. “I mean, yeah,” Dan told her warmly, grinning at her. “I couldn’t have said it better myself.” Cheryl opened her mouth, one brow arched in questioning, but Dan cut her off before she could say anything. “I actually wanted to talk to you about something else. It doesn’t have to do with our relationship. Is that alright?”

Now it was Cheryl’s turn to stare at him, to which he stared levelly back. He didn’t get lost in her eyes this time, like he used to. After a moment of staring, they burst into loud, gasping laughter. Laughter that filled the entire hall, that melted all of the awkward feelings from before. Dan felt as though he finally got his friend back. “Well, shit,” she chuckled. “My bad. Of course you can talk about something else. And here I thought you were going to beg for me back!”

“No offense, but no,” Dan told her, and they both grinned at each other again. “I, erm, actually wanted to talk about…” he paused, trying to figure out how to say this. He sighed. “Phil.”

“Phil?” Dan nodded. “I’m just going to come out and say it, alright? You’re probably going to hate me, but I just really need to get this off of my chest. It’s literally keeping me up at night and confusing the hell out of me. I have no idea what’s going on. I’m sorry that I have to talk about this with you, but I literally have no other friends anymore, so you were my last resort.”

There was a hand on his own all of a sudden, one soft and warm and reassuring. Dan smiled gently, and held Cheryl’s hand. It was a touch that told him that it was going to be alright, that he could talk about whatever it was he needed to and Cheryl wasn’t going to get mad. If only she knew. “Dan, you’re okay. I’m here for you. Talk to me, alright?”

“Okay,” Dan said. He gulped, closing his eyes. He didn’t think he could bear seeing her expression when he told her. “For the last few months, Phil and I have had this… thing.”

“Define a thing,” Cheryl said softly. She didn’t sound upset yet. Trying to get everything out at once, Dan started to speak quickly and without taking another breath. He knew that the words were most likely slurring together, but he often talked quickly so Cheryl understood every word he was saying. She didn’t let go of his hand. “I walked in on him jerking off one day and offered to help. We kind of started a thing when that happened. Whenever we needed help to get off, we would help each other out. We’re both straight, so we convinced each other that we weren’t cheating on our girlfriends. We were friends, so we were just helping each other out, you know?” Saying it out loud was so fucking embarrassing. Dan wanted to hide. He never wanted to be seen again. He never wanted to open his eyes again. How could he admit something like this? “But lately it’s been getting so confusing. When you and I broke up, I realised that what we were doing counted as cheating. It didn’t matter that we were straight because at the end of the day, I still had his dick in my mouth. So we called the arrangement off. I couldn’t live with the guilt knowing that he was cheating on the girl he loved with me, but he refused to acknowledge that he was even cheating on her.”

He groaned loudly and threw his head back, marvelling at the fact that Cheryl was still holding his hand. Why was she still holding his hand? Why wasn’t she disgusted with him? He just admitted that he cheated on her. That he sucked his roommate’s dick. Why wasn’t she screaming at him? “Even though we stopped, I still get these dumb feelings. I don’t really understand them. I don’t think I wanted to stop, you know? Doing that stuff with him… it felt good in a way that I really can’t explain. Like an adrenaline rush that you wanted to get every second of the day. But then sometimes my mind tricks me and says ‘hey! Dating this guy wouldn’t be so bad! Maybe that would be cool!’ Except for the fact that I’m straight. I don’t like guys. I haven’t liked guys in the seventeen years I’ve existed, and there’s no way in hell that I should even be considering it now. I just. I don’t understand.”

Cheryl was quiet and Dan was too afraid to look at her, so he just kept his eyes squeezed shut. He braced himself for the worst possible outcome, for Cheryl to call him a disgusting cheater and a faggot and shame him for all that he did. It didn’t come. Instead, she squeezed his hand tightly. “Dan, look at me,” she said softly. Slowly, he cracked open his eyes. What he saw shocked him. Cheryl didn’t look mad, not even an ounce of anger within those blue irises. She had a soft expression on her face, even a hint of a smile. She wasn’t disgusted. She wasn’t pissed. She wasn’t upset. She was smiling. “I’ve been trying to get you to open up to me ever since the start of school. I’m so incredibly glad that you trust me enough to tell me something like this.” “You- you’re not mad?” Dan stuttered. She shook her head. “I’m a bit hurt that you didn’t tell me what was going on, but I’m not mad. That’d make me a hypocrite, wouldn’t it? We both fucked up, we both hurt each other, we both screwed around with people that weren’t each other. What we did wasn’t okay. It will never be okay. But what would be the point in getting angry? We broke up weeks ago. We already went through all of this shit. And now you’re coming to me, obviously very upset and asking me for help. You’re being honest with me and you’re admitting that you majorly fucked up. It had to have taken some guts to do what you did.”

Dan could feel himself tearing up, but he willed himself not to break down. What Cheryl was saying was an actual miracle. He couldn’t believe that she was willing to forgive him so easily after what he’d admitted. Now he understand why he had loved her so much. She’d always been extremely understanding of people’s mistakes. “Yeah,” Dan said quietly, giving her a weak smile. “Thank you. You don’t know how much that means to me.”

Cheryl nodded at him. “Of course, Dan. As for your sexuality,” she continued, scooting her chair closer to him so she didn’t have to talk so loud. “You don’t have to figure that out right now. Labels aren’t important. What’s important is how you feel. From what I hear, it seems as if you quite like Phil a lot. You said it yourself that you didn’t want to stop the thing you guys had and that you sometimes wonder if you want to date him. It sounds like a bit of a crush to me.” Dan flinched and he could feel himself curling into himself. Liking a boy? That’s… no. He can’t do that. He can’t handle that. Cheryl must have sensed his inner fight because she continued quickly. “It doesn’t mean you have to act on it. Hell, it doesn’t even mean I’m right. I could very well be wrong. All I know is that you don’t have to put yourself into a box right away. There are so many sexualities out there and just because you like a boy doesn’t mean you’re gay. The most important thing is that you’re comfortable with yourself. And I’ll sure as hell be here to help you through it.”

Dan couldn’t help it. He was too overcome with emotion, too touched, that he launched himself at Cheryl, wrapping his arms around her. She squeaked but hugged him back and he took this as his opportunity to bury his face in her fluffy hair. “Thank you, Cher,” he breathed. He didn’t know how to articulate what he was feeling, really. He just knew that he had been nearly hopeless before, drowned by his own mind, but then there was Cheryl, full of hope and understanding, telling him that there was absolutely nothing wrong with him and that she was there for him. It was a breath of fresh air. It was the smell of rain after a drought. It was a light in the darkness.

Dan felt like he could possibly even become free.

[whalefairyfandom12]

Your Love's a Fucking Drag (But I Need it So Bad)

Summary: Dan likes black and leather jackets, Phil likes reading in solitude and playing video games. But they have one thing in common as new roommates at uni: They are both completely straight. Just because they like to get each other off every once in a while doesn’t make it any different.

A/N: We've been writing this fic for over a year now and it's strange to think this is the last time we'll be doing this. Thank you so much for all of your support and we hope you enjoy the final chapter <33

Masterpost

Chapter Nine

 *picks up after “true bros swallow” from chapter seven

-

don’t judge me makila

I’m 110% judging right now smh no homo just bromo

I came here to have a good time and im honestly feeling so attacked rn

Not as attacked as Dan’s cock amiright

STOP THIS IMMEDIATELy

...That's what he said and then Phil made him

My mind is literally blank rn jfc i have absolutely no comebacks whatsoever

On a scale of one to Dan’s mind during orgasm from a brojob how blank?

Like dan’s mind during orgasm and then some

Yet somehow Phil Lester’s lips aren't involved. I think he got the better deal, really. Also cuddles after

Im jealous of dan i want phil lester’s cuddles :<

I swear to god we sound so ace right now 100 to 0 real fast

*writes sex scene* “Wow i cant wait to cuddle the fuck out of phil” 100% ace

Seriously though Phil probably gives some of the best cuddles imaginable I'm jealous

My friend met him and she said he gives the best hugs out of anyone she’s ever met

You know what fuck Phan I'm stealing Phil for myself

“Hi do u have any philxreader fics” dats u

“I don't want the yang wang dang just the hugging”

Im fucking pissing myself im hilarious

I think my mom just heard that snort

Im literally laughing so hard and my dogs started barking bc of it christ i need sleep

Jesus Christ has very little to do with this conversation, trust me ;)))))))))))))

I hope he isn’t too mad that i started involving him in our crimes

We’re all going to hell anyway, what's one more crime really

Imagine if jesus went to hell with us JESUS READS TOO MUCH GAY PORN

“So what was your punishment?”

“I liked sucking cocks too”

“Same. Only bros?”

“True bros swallowed. Dat was me.”

Jeezy wheezy (sry i cant type wow) thats amazing and i had something to say but i dont REMEMBER

They say losing your memory this early means you're definitely screwed and damned to hell

I mean we already knew i was going to hell so whats the difference

I've spent my evening reading gay porn stars AU instead of studying that ship has sailed

Porn star aus are the best thing ever no ragerts

“Ragerts”-Rachel, 2016

The sin has clouded your thoughts

Im gonna get that tattooed on me “no ragerts”

You can say not only were you extremely drunk when you got it you were also drunk when you thought it up. A win win

“How did you get that tattoo??” “Well im always drunk man”

“Drunk on gay smut and memes”

I read too much about bros swallowing loads

You need to fire your autocorrect and get a better one

Im on my computer so looks like i just have to fire my brain

Our wordcount has upped significantly can we just keep this here. “Now presenting a short intermission from your writers”

Oh my god when we upload the last chapter (whenever the fuck that will be jesus christ what are we doing with this story) we should post this

Imagine the day when our inboxes will no longer be filled with messages of “WHEN THE FUCK IS THE NEXT CHAPTER OF YLAFD GOING TO BE UP??????”

That’s the day that the earth will truly implode

See the real question is who’s going to store all these screenshots on their camera roll? Forfeit those sick GBs

I can screenshot them on my computer hahaha

Way to ruin the moment Rachel wooooooow :(((((((( That was so low not even Dan could recover (get it because he’s a bottom? I'm so tired smh)

Sorry bro (*insert lenny face here bc im too lazy to do that*) i hope dans proud of me

He knows it's just about bros doing bro things I'm sure he’d fully endorse our fics. (And let’s be honest, I'll bet you one hundred dollars this hasn't happened to him at least once)

Oh him and phil have d e f i n i t el I GIVE UP fucked

Which will come out first? Dan Howell or Sherlock’s next season? YO MAMA’S SO FAT BY THE TIME SHE TURNS AROUND DAN HOWELL CAME OUT!!!!!1!

JESUS CHriST “How many licks does it take for dan howell to come out?” “The world may never know”

Oh he’ll be coming all right *insert lenny face*

HE’LL BE COMING AROUND THE MOUNTAIN WHEN HE COMES

╚═( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)═╝╚═(███)═╝╚═(███)═╝.╚═(███)═╝..╚═(███)═╝…╚═(███)═╝…╚═(███)═╝..╚═(███)═╝.╚═(███)═╝╚═(███)═╝.╚═(███)═╝..╚═(███)═╝…╚═(███)═╝…╚═(███)═╝…..╚(███)╝……╚(██)╝………(█)……….*

WHAT THE FUCK MAKILA NO the human centipede lol

ヽ༼ຈل͜ຈ༽ﾉ POOP

Ur enjoying urself aren’t u

FIGHT ME (ง ͠° ͟ل͜ ͡°)ง (what? I don't have an entire wall of lenny’s saved to my notes for this very purpose that would be ridiculous haha ha ha ha…)

Usually when i use a lenny face i go back and copy it from one of my friend’s text messages so ALL THE JUDGEMENT HERE UR FIRED

AT LEAST LENNY STILL LOVES ME 
( ͡°╭͜ʖ╮͡° )ᕤ holy shit we broke 14k yay us #rakilaftwrioolymipcs2k16

(ʘ‿ʘ✿) we literally broke 14k because we wrote an entire essay about how much of a meme we are (why is this a different color text wtf)

All better. The perfectionist in me is satisfied.

Im proud of you makkypoo

BU-BUT SENPAIIIIIIII REALLY????? JU-JUST ME???????

JUST U MACKLEMORE (i think im so funny)

Macklemore I'm dying (right and Phil’s dating Dan. Oh wait)

I think your nickname is no longer makila but instead macklemore

Once we release these screenshots it will be THANKS RACHEL UR FIRED NOW

BUT ): A KOUHAI CANT HIRE THEIR SENPAIIIIIIII (also i hope you start getting messages about macklemore now)

WOW I FEEL SO LOVED :,(((((((((( a single man tear

A man tear… like uh i dont have a fucking comeback im So TIRED LIKE UR MUMS MAN TEAR

THE NERVE!!!!!!!!!1!1! WELL YOUR MUM’S MAN TEAR IS SO UNMANLY NOT EVEN DAN WOULD THINK IT WAS ATTRACTIVE SO THERE BITE ME

Cuz we all know dan thinks every man tear is attractive rip to dan’s heart (and his sexuality)

“Here lies Dan’s heterosexuality and heteronormativity. It will be sorely--screw it no it won't.”

Dan’s heterosexuality&heteronormativity,,, June 10, 1991 - Today (what is today) August 20, 2016

“We gather to celebrate with smut and Lenny human centipedes.” I need sleep so badly right now smh I'm dead tomorrow

GO TO SLEEP (honestly i do too i have to wake up early to move back to uni rip)

I will if you do. A bro pact. (A broct? Pacbro?)

Just… stop right there LOL lets form a broct(?) and just brosleep it out

I hope Phil brohugs you bro

Thanks bro i hope phil brocuddles u my dude, my bro

Aw you mean it bro? U r always there for me, man, I luv u u r like a brother to me, bro

Bro… oh my god bro, that’s the broest thing anyones ever said to me… i love u bro.. Like bromantically

Not as much as I platonically 110% heterosexually love u bro. Just bromo tho no homo

That’s the new phrase of this fic “just bromo, no homo”

*deletes summary and changes it to that* seriously why aren't we sleeping GO TO BED RAKILA

OKAY IM GONNA ACTUALLY SLEEP NOW CUZ WE NEED IT

NIGHT BRO DON’T LET THE FIREFLIES BITE MAN

NIGHT TO U TOO BROKILA DONT LET TO BRO BUGS BITE

[whalefairyfandom12]

I would literally sell my soul for ylafdbinisb is there any hope

I’m aiming to have the next chapter out before the end of the month! (And a longer chapter to make up for the wait). No soul selling necessary, though I do accept strawberry shortcake haha xx

I’m really, really sorry for the delay–here are the first two paragraphs in apology!

There were certain facts in life that were indisputable. Beyonce was queen, Jar Jar Binks was a stain on humanity, water was wet, and Dan Howell was hot. And because it was indisputable acknowledgment of the latter was normal, healthy even. It didn’t mean Phil was gay or anything, just that he had eyes and appreciated aesthetically pleasing things.

So noticing the strangely attractive combination of sexy and adorable that was Dan’s still damp hair was a perfectly heterosexual thing to do. Phil was just confident enough in his masculinity to notice.

[botanistlester]

Hey I just found ylafdbinisb it's SO GOOD please say you are going to finish it!

One day LOL

[botanistlester]

I would literally sell my left arm for another chapter of YLAFDBINISB

o god im being called out rip

[botanistlester]

im so sorry but "ylafdbinisb" is possibly the worst acronym ever. great name, terrible acronym.

I usually just call it ylafd cuz its much shorter and easier

[botanistlester]

Will ylafdbinisb ever return from the war?

yes lol, we have everything planned out, the only issue is actually writing anything @whalefairyfandom12

[botanistlester]

is ylafdbinisb ever going to return from the war I loved it so much!!!

yes, hopefully soon! school is absolutely crazy rn so i havent had a chance to get to it yet, but i get out in three weeks and then i should be good c:

[whalefairyfandom12]

Hey I just read YLAFDBINISB and I LOVE IT! you are such an amazing writer!! *hands cookie*

Thank you so much! Honestly I can’t believe anyone still reads YLAFD, what with the updates every three months so it means a lot that you enjoyed it

[whalefairyfandom12]

Wow omg that was hurt but are you actually going to finish ylafdbinisb

Definitely! We’re aiming to have most of it finished by the end of the summer if all goes well (pray for my procrastination 2k17)

[whalefairyfandom12]

Your Love’s a Fucking Drag (But I Need it So Bad)

Summary: Dan likes black and leather jackets, Phil likes reading in solitude and playing video games. But they have one thing in common as new roommates at uni: They are both completely straight. Just because they like to get each other off every once in a while doesn’t make it any different.

Word Count: 2,491

tw; language, smoking, smut

co-written with botanistlester

Masterpost

Chapter Eight

If Phil had a penny for every time he’d repressed a problem and hoped it would go away he’d be able to pay for half of his tuition. The blowjob he’d given Dan had only served to make him more confused, and this time he was the one taking drastic measures to avoid their room. Though he was the one ignoring the situation, that didn’t mean he missed his roommate any less despite whatever ‘friends with benefits’ arrangement they’d created. After all, Dan had been one of Phil’s first friends at university.

Once you got past the leather jackets and smoking Dan was kind of a pushover. He stayed up too late, had a weird obsession with these creatures he called ‘sock goblins’ that he insisted were responsible for why he never brought back all of their socks, and constantly bitched about Phil eating his cereal, leaving every cupboard open, and leaving his contact lenses on top of the sink. Phil never would’ve guessed that Dan’s nagging would be one of the things that he’d miss the most, but so it goes.

It was a mark of how few friends he had that the only person he wanted to talk about Dan with (besides Dan himself) was Maria. She’d always had the most logical solutions to problems; her ability to unscramble his thoughts had been one of the things that had drawn him to her in the first place. And after all the years they’d known each other, she could calm him down and point out how illogical he was being in a way that made him believe her.

He would give almost anything to ask for her advice, but he couldn't think of a way that didn't involve being too obvious. Maybe he could pretend he was asking for advice on Dan’s behalf? Or was that too obvious? Before he could talk himself out of it he was dialing her. His palm was sweaty against his phone, stomach caving in on itself with the pressure of an impending panic attack. Maria picked up on the second ring.

Her voice was as cheery as always, although there was an edge of confusion to her tone. “Hey Phil! Is everything okay?”

“Yeah. Why wouldn't it be?”

Maria sounded hesitant, her words carefully chosen. “It's just...you never call. At least not this time of the week.”

Phil winced, shifting from foot to foot. “Everything’s fine, don't worry. I just wanted to hear your voice.”

He could sense Maria’s smile, and somehow that made everything worse. “You're acting strange today. Are you sure you're okay?”

Phil nodded before remembering she couldn't see him. He cleared his throat. “Yeah, I guess it's...You know Dan, right?” Phil began slowly. “Well he’s dating this girl named Cheryl, but she's been fucking this other boy named Avery behind his back. But it was more of a friends with benefits situation though, you know? A casual hand job when no one was looking. Anyway Dan found out about it, and he's not really sure what to do.”

“Dump her ass obviously.” Maria’s voice was surprisingly fierce. “She was cheating on him whether she wants to admit it or not.”

Phil swallowed. Suddenly all the excuses he and Dan threw around weren't sounding so logical. “I think the words she used were ‘friends helping each other out.’”

Maria scoffed. “Please. If she can't even own up to the fact that she's cheating on him she doesn't deserve anything from him.”

Phil was quiet. He wrapped his finger around his shoelace, pulling until his fingertip started to turn white. “I never thought you liked Dan that much,” he said finally.

She sighed. “Honestly? He’s been kind of a dick whenever I've talked to him. But I know he makes you happy and I'm sure he's a good person. Besides, no one deserves to be cheated on, especially if the other person won't acknowledge they've made a mistake.”

“You're right,” Phil said softly. Maria deserved someone better--someone who loved her with everything they had and could be honest that the situation with Dan had escalated far beyond a one time quickie. “Thank you, I'll make sure to pass on the message.”

“I hope everything works out for him.”

“Me too. How're your classes?”

“They're okay,” Maria said. “My CAD professor doesn't seem to know what he's doing, but at least I already know how to use Solidworks so it's not too confusing. He seems to think I’m being insolent by insisting it’s easier to use if you have a mouse but I’m not trying to be.”

Phil smiled. “Remember the time your engineering teacher told you you didn’t know how to use a 3D printer because you were a girl and you built one from the ground up just to prove a point?”

Maria laughed. “Fine, I’ll admit I can be a little vindictive.”

“A little?”

“A lot,” she conceded. “How’re your classes going?”

“They’re good.” Phil curled his free hand into a fist. The urge to tell Maria everything was on the tip of his tongue, threatening to spill out in a pathetic attempt at assuaging his guilt. He bit it down. “Actually, come to think of it I have...an essay I have to finish for tomorrow. Can I call you back later this week?”

“Oh. Of course.” The disappointment was audible in Maria’s voice, but as usual she didn’t protest. “Good luck! I love you.”

“I love you more,” Phil said instinctively--a knee jerk reaction. He wondered if he honestly meant it anymore or if at this point it was another thing he did because it was what he’d always done.

“I love you most. Goodbye Phil.” The line went dead, and he pulled his phone away from his ear. Maria had never been anything but accepting, and their bond went much further than ‘boyfriend and girlfriend.’ Back when he’d been the loser with weird colored hair and an obsession with Buffy and hamster breeding Maria had been one of the first people to look beyond all of those things and befriend him. He wasn’t sure when he’d realized that his feelings had progressed beyond being strictly platonic, but the first few years of dating had been some of the happiest.

Now, though, he wasn’t so sure.

Phil stared down at his phone, turning it over and over again between his hands. Since the beginning of the year, he’d fallen out of contact with a lot of his other friends through no fault besides that of circumstance. With nothing to occupy his time but studying, Phil was quickly realizing how lonely he was without Dan. The last thing he needed to do was sit here alone and think about every mistake he’d ever made. Maybe a distraction would do him some good.

He opened messages, shooting a text to PJ and asking if he wanted to meet up. His friend answered almost immediately, and Phil shrugged his coat on, heading for the door. It was starting to get colder, winter fast approaching. Every exhale hovered in the air in front of him, and he shoved his hands deep into his pockets.

The pub a short walk from Phil’s dorm, and as he pushed the door open he saw PJ sitting a few tables away. Phil sat down across from him, draping his coat over the back of his chair.

PJ sat his phone down, offering a smile. “Hey.”

“Have you already ordered?”

“Fish and chips with extra tartar sauce. And a beer,” his friend recited. He moved a plate of food into view from behind his beer, presenting it to Phil with a bow.

“You know me well.”

“Yeah, unfortunately two years of friendship tends to do that to a person.”

“Hey!” Phil slid his food closer in mock indignation. “I’ll have you know I’m a fucking ray of sunshine. According to Dan anyway.”

“How is ?” PJ batted away Phil’s hands and stole another chip off his plate. “We were all placing bets on whether you two were dead or not.”

“He’s fine. Busy with his degree like the rest of us.”

“Is he still unhappy with his major?”

Phil shrugged. “I think so. I don’t know, he doesn’t talk about it as much anymore.” There had been a period of time where Dan would come back from classes and lay on the floor motionlessly in the midst of an existential crises. The number of times Phil had almost stepped on him while he hadn’t been wearing his glasses was ridiculous. The thought that Dan was now laying on someone else’s floor and musing about the universe with someone other than Phil was a strangely distressing thought.

“I heard about Cheryl,” PJ said sympathetically. “Chris was saying he’d never cared much for her.”

“What about it?” Phil asked, the question coming out more defensively than he’d wanted. He didn't fancy the idea of Dan being the subject of everyone gossip.

“I feel bad for him.” PJ said. “While I don't know him as well as I do you, it's obvious to anyone that he deserves someone who genuinely cares about him.”

Phil nodded. He shifted in his seat, searching for another conversation topic--anything but Dan. “Speaking of which, how’s Sophie?”

PJ’s face lit up with a quiet smile. “Good. She’s...yeah. We’re good. Our anniversary is next week.”

“Happy early anniversary. You can have another chip in celebration.” If Phil could grant any of his friends happiness, PJ would be right in line next to Dan and Maria. He’d only met Sophie a few times, but she had a friendly smile and could could give you a run for your money at Cards Against Humanity.

“Thank you. I graciously accept your offer. Felix wants to have a game night soon, and he was wondering if you and Dan wanted come.” As if he could sense Phil’s hesitation, PJ continued. “I thought you might want another chance to beat me at Tokaido, but if you don’t think you can…”

That did it. “I’ll come.”

PJ beamed. “Great! I’ll let him know.”

“I don’t know if Dan will be able to,” Phil said cautiously. “But I’ll ask.” He took a sip of his beer, eyeing his friend. “At this rate you should just order your own fish and chips.”

“I like stealing yours better.”

“Of course you do.”

“They wouldn’t taste as good otherwise. Which reminds me--” As PJ went off on some tangent about a new project he was working on, Phil listened quietly. It was nice to listen to a familiar voice talk about about something they were passionate about and not have to contribute. It seemed like Phil had barely blinked before the food was gone and he was saying goodbye to PJ.

“I’ll see you around,” PJ said, pulling him into a hug. “Tell Dan hello for me.”

Phil hugged him back tightly. PJ always smelled faintly like vanilla and ink. “I will. You too.”

They stepped outside, PJ turning left. He waved in Phil’s direction, pulling a comical face. Phil laughed, shaking his head and walking back towards his room. The air had gotten even colder ,and it jolted him awake from the daze he’d fallen into in the pub. He wondered if Dan would be home; he hoped he would be. It was past time they talked.

They had to stop what they were doing. The revelation wasn’t anything particularly new, it was something that had steadily been building in Phil’s mind for the past few weeks but that didn’t make it any easier.

The door opened and Phil stepped inside, shedding his coat. Dan was sitting on his bed, chin propped up on his fist. He met Phil’s eyes with a tired smile, and without saying anything they both knew exactly what was on both of their minds.

Phil sat on his own bed, facing Dan. “PJ says hi,” he said, breaking the silence.

“I say hi back,” Dan said. The bed groaned underneath the boy as he slid forwards. The room fell into silence, both reluctant to do anything to break it.

Phil cleared his throat. Best just to get it over with. “What are we doing here?” he asked simply.

Dan stared down at the floor, fingers lacing together. “Helping a bro out,” he said, the words flat and as empty as his expression.

“Seriously, Dan.”

Dan glanced up, lips curling up into a sarcastic smile. “Well Phil, ‘seriously’ my girlfriend’s been cheating on me, we’ve been getting each other off and pretending it doesn't matter, and you’ve been lying to Maria for months.”

Phil frowned. “You’ve been doing the same to Cheryl,” he said defensively.

Dan turned his head towards the floor. “I know,” he said quietly. “I'm not proud of it.”

“I'm not, either.” Phil rubbed his eyes wearily. “I don't know what to do.”

Dan looked up at him, a hint of his old, good natured sarcasm lingering. “I think if either of us did we wouldn't be in this mess in the first place.”

“I love Maria,” Phil said. Dan nodded. “I love her,” he repeated, but who he was trying to convince he wasn't sure. “And I don't think we should do this anymore.”

Dan’s face was unnervingly blank, although Phil thought he could see something churning underneath his composure. “I think so too,” the boy said finally, voice just as detached. “It was a mistake ever starting this.”

For some reason Dan calling it a ‘mistake’ stung, even though that was Phil had basically been trying to say. “All that aside, you’re my best friend, and I don’t want our friendship to end over something that was a--” he swallowed, forcing the word out. “A mistake.”

Dan was still, dark eyes meeting Phil’s. The only movement was the rise and fall of his chest, as if he was throwing all his efforts into remaining motionless. “I didn’t have a best friend for the first eighteen years of my life,” he said finally. “Then I met you, and it was you that really inspired me to be--well, whatever the hell I wanted. I guess what I’m trying to say is that I don’t want to lose you either. You’re next to me in my life.”

Phil nodded silently. For some reason he noticed that Dan’s fringe was slightly out of place, and he itched to either fix it or mess it up more. He twisted his hands in his sweatshirt instead, stamping the urge down. He didn’t have the right to do that anymore, not that he ever had. “Friends?” he asked, proud of the way his voice stayed firm.

Dan’s expression tightened impeccably, but he nodded. “Friends. Besides, who else is going to steal my cereal?”

“Who else is going to keep buying cereal for me to steal?” Phil smiled, but something about it felt forced. He knew they’d done the right thing, but somehow it still didn’t feel right. He could only hope that with time things would go back to normal.

[botanistlester]

Your Love’s a Fucking Drag (But I Need it So Bad)

Summary: Dan likes black and leather jackets, Phil likes reading in solitude and playing video games. But they have one thing in common as new roommates at uni: They are both completely straight. Just because they like to get each other off every once in a while doesn’t make it any different. Word Count: 2846 Warnings: Cussing, smoking, smut. @whalefairyfandom12 writes Phil’s POV @phansdick writes Dan’s POV Masterpost

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Chapter Seven

When Dan was stressed, there was only one thing that could ever put him at complete ease: Alcohol. With a little bit of alcohol, his inhibitions went down levels and his mind went deliciously still. He could barely think, let alone speak, and that was everything he ever really wanted at a time like this.

Dan cringed as he downed another shot of cake flavoured vodka. The taste was rather putrid in his mouth, leaving behind a burning sensation in his throat, but he tried to wash it down with a large inhalation of smoke from his lit cigarette.

This house party was rather small, only him and about ten other friends, but the house was small and made it seem like there were more people than there actually was. There were a group by his side playing beer pong and his mind swam when they let out loud whoops and hollers, ones that would surely disturb the neighbours.

There was a pretty girl by his side, one with beautiful straight black hair and pretty blue eyes that sparkled in the dim lighting of the house. She enjoyed slamming back vodka almost as much as Dan did and her laugh chimed through the air whenever Dan made a lame joke. He normally didn’t try to socialise with girls much, but after almost two weeks since Cheryl stopped talking to him, he didn’t know what else he had to lose. Obviously, that resulted in Dan being a major fuckboy, finding a different girl to screw every night and never calling back even when he ‘promised’.

This girl wasn’t any different, but her looks were enough to make Dan feel on edge for some unknown reason so he took his fifth shot of vodka and swayed a bit on his feet. He didn’t remember much after that.

He vaguely remembers leading the girl to a different room before pulling her into him, kissing her as best as he could when he was absolutely sloshed. She didn’t seem to mind and tangled her hands into Dan’s hair, pulling, tugging him closer. Dan could feel the heat between them and he tried to ignore the uneasy feeling in the pit of his stomach as she peeled off his shirt and then her own.

It hadn’t been any different the past few weeks so why was he feeling weird about it now?

He tried to shove the thoughts into the back of his mind as he unbuttoned her tiny shorts, pulling them down to reveal laced red underwear. The sight made a sudden wave of nausea overcome him, and he didn’t stop to think about the fact that he may have consumed too much alcohol.

“You okay?” The girl asked as Dan paused.

He didn’t need to answer. Instead, he puked on the floor, right where she had just taken off her shoes.

Now he remembers why he didn’t go outside.

The girl - he vaguely remembers being named Victoria - didn’t seem too upset about it and pulled his hair out of his face until he finished, rubbing his back patiently. Only when he sat back and wiped a hand through his sweaty fringe did she smile at him and talk. “We should probably stop on that note,” she murmured. There was concern in her eyes and Dan wondered how she was so nice when he was literally going to just use her like a dirty rag. Wow, he is an awful person. “Let me give you a ride home. I’ve had less to drink than you have and made sure I would still be able to drive.”

Dan nodded, sighing a bit. He followed her out of the room, feeling rather guilty as she picked up her shoes and stuffed them into a plastic bag. He hoped they weren’t too terribly ruined or he may just have to reimburse her after puking all over her.

Lady-killer Dan, that’s what he was.

The ride home was quiet and Dan felt the growing nerves welling inside of his body. His mind was still fuzzy but he faintly remembered that he was actively avoiding Phil at the moment. He prayed to whatever God there was that Phil wasn’t home right then, that way he could sleep and leave early in the morning without having to interact with his roommate. Whenever he thought of Phil, there was a terrible taste in the back of his throat and a shiver running underneath his skin. It made him want to puke all over Victoria’s car, but he tried his best to hold it in, instead rolling down the window and spitting the salty saliva building in his mouth into the cold air.

Before he knew it, they had arrived at Dan’s dorm and his palms were sweating. (He giggled a bit in his drunken haze at the realization, the Eminem song repeating those words in his head). Victoria came around his side of the car and opened the door for him, gently helping him out of his seat and hoisting his arm around her shoulder. He briefly wondered in awe how she managed to lift him, seeing as he was over six feet tall, but decided not to dwell on it and leant his weight onto her.

The walk to his room was slow, with staggering steps and Dan grumbling under his breath when he lost balance. It took far too long for them to reach his door and he held his breath as Victoria unlocked the door for him, praying with all his might that Phil wasn’t in the room. He thanked the girl and bid her farewell before he opened the door, stumbling inside.

“Dan?”

He cursed, scowling, and the way he suddenly stopped walking at the voice made him trip on nothing, knocking into the wall with a loud bang. Dan blurrily glanced up, squinting, proving his assumptions to be true when he found Phil gazing at him through his glasses with a surprised expression. “Yo,” he slurred.

Phil stood slowly from where he was lounging on the couch, stepping cautiously over to him. He acted as if he was approaching a wounded animal, and maybe that’s all that Dan really was. “Are you drunk?” Phil asked incredulously.

Dan could have laughed then, and he did because he thoughts weren’t separated from his actions at the moment. Phil seemed so surprised that it was rather hilarious. Why wouldn’t he be drunk? It’s what he’s been doing for the past couple of weeks. “So what if I am?” Dan sang, trying to make his way over to his bed. Phil stopped him by putting a hand on his shoulder.

“Are you okay, Dan?”

Dan could have groaned, and he almost did, but his thoughts were blurry and he suddenly couldn’t remember why he was so pissed at Phil in the first place. Phil’s face, flushed red with desire, had taken permanent residence in Dan’s memory and it was all the could dwell on in his drunken state. A sudden pulse of arousal shook through his body, seemingly coming out of nowhere.

Without another word, Dan sidles up beside Phil and slings an arm around him. “Maybe you can make me feel better,” he purrs suggestively. In his mind, he sounded rather sexy, but he probably just sounded like a drunk asshole to anyone else. To exaggerate his point, he trailed his hand under the side of Phil’s shirt, feeling the hot skin there and the way it prickled with goosebumps at his touch.

Just as he thought Phil was going to give in, Phil pushed him away, glaring harshly at him. “Get off of me, Dan. You’re drunk!” He sounded annoyed, running a hand through his hair when Dan’s back hit the wall from the force of his shove. “You can’t keep doing this, you know? Either you want to keep doing things with me or you don’t. It’s not fair for you to just decide to screw around again after you’ve already told me you didn’t want to anymore!”

Dan rubbed his back from where he hit the wall, wincing at the sting. He was a bit peeved as well, fueled on from Phil’s own anger. “Well you can’t keep lying to Maria about this! You say you love her but you’ve been going behind her back and screwing around with another man just like a slut.”

“I’m not a slut, Dan! And I’m not lying to her!”

“Oh yeah? Then I assume she wouldn’t mind if you told her about what we did, right?” Dan purred, giving Phil a triumphant smirk. Through his drunken haze, he could tell that he was being a jerk, but he didn’t particularly care at the moment. Phil looked absolutely pissed, his eyes dark and ice cold, like they weren’t friends and never had been.

Phil slapped a hand on Dan’s chest harshly, making him stumble back into the wall again. Despite having shoved him, Phil had suddenly gotten closer to him, to the point where Dan could feel his breath cascading over his face. He got the sudden urge to kiss him, Phil’s lips deliciously pink and welcoming to Dan’s drunkenness. “You shut your damn mouth,” Phil snarled.

Dan didn’t think he’d ever seen Phil so angry before, not even when they had fought the other week. He wondered if he should back down for a moment, but his mouth was speaking before his mind could catch up and he was probably going to regret everything later, but he didn’t particularly care at the moment. “Make me, then. Go on, I dare you.”

There was a moment where they both paused, processing what Dan had said. Phil’s eyes were wide and had a wild edge, like he was unable to think properly. His pupils were fully blown and he was breathing heavily, either from frustration or something else entirely. Dan didn’t know quite how it happened, mostly because he was far from sober, but suddenly he was grabbing Phil’s face and hotly pressing their mouths together.

Phil made a noise in the back of his throat that resembled something between a growl and a whine and then he was relaxing into Dan’s grip, tangling his fingers into the fabric of Dan’s shirt and pulling until their bodies were flush together. The only other time Dan had kissed Phil was when they had that huge falling out, and he’d been craving his taste ever since wondering if he’d ever get to hold Phil like that again. He assumed he wouldn’t, so he relished in the fact it was actually happening once again, biting down on Phil’s bottom lip and sucking it into his mouth before letting it ping back into place.

He pushed himself off the wall, guiding Phil until the back of Phil’s knees hit the couch and he was collapsing onto it, bringing Dan close behind. It resulted in Dan straddling him, moaning whorishly at the way their groins deliciously rubbed together in doing so. Phil was gripping his hips, surprisingly dominant in the way he was forcing Dan to rut into him, breaking away from his lips to start biting and sucking marks into his neck.

Dan’s neck had always been one of his most sensitive areas, a g-spot, if you will. He felt electricity pulse through his veins as Phil sank his teeth into Dan’s neck before pulling back and lapping at the skin like some sort of apology. In response, Dan ground down into Phil, letting out a cheap whine and carding his hands through Phil’s hair. “Gonna suck you off,” Phil grumbled, pulling away from Dan’s neck to harshly press their lips together again, allowing Dan to slip his tongue into his mouth for a few moments before pushing him away. He moved from his spot on the couch to allow Dan to lay down, removing his jeans with only slight difficulty. Phil smirked up at him, his glasses sliding down the tip of his nose, and then he was sliding Dan’s boxers down his thighs, revealing his length, red and hard and already dripping precome.

Dan must have been drunker than he initially realized if he was getting so turned on so quickly.

He watched as Phil kissed his navel, travelling down until he was pressing his lips over the inside of Dan’s thighs, closer and closer to where Dan wanted him to be. “Jus’ get on with it,” Dan muttered, revelling in the way Phil huffed, breathing hot air over his dick.

And then, Phil was sliding Dan’s cock into his mouth and Dan was in absolute heaven. It wasn’t often that Phil went down on Dan, usually preferring to just jerk him off, so this was like an entire different world to Dan. He could feel everything, the way that Phil swiped his tongue over the slit, the way he would swallow him down until Dan’s cock was hitting the back of Phil’s throught. Everything.

Dan let out a breathy moan, entangling his fingers into Phil’s hair and pulling lightly. He liked the image of Phil’s face buried into his groin, noise touching the soft hairs at the base of his cock and glasses so close to falling off of his face. When Phil pulled away, lips red and plump with saliva, he almost didn’t expect it, especially when Phil opened his mouth to speak, voice low and husky.

“Fuck my face, Dan.”

That was when Dan lost it, groaning aloud as Phil took him back into his mouth. Dan could feel it when Phil relaxed his throat, letting Dan clutch his hair as he bucked into Phil’s mouth. Dan was moaning and he didn’t really care. It felt so good, something he hadn’t felt in a few weeks, and he could already feel the pit begin in his stomach, telling him he was about to orgasm.

Through half-lidded eyes, he realized that Phil was touching himself, pumping his cock in time with Dan’s sloppy thrusts. At that realization, Dan let out a loud moan, tugging on Phil’s hair in case he wanted to pull away. “Gonna cum,” he gasped, biting down harshly on his own lip.

Phil didn’t move away, only took him deeper and moaned around him. The vibrations sent Dan in a sudden swirl towards orgasm, his mind going blissfully blank as he came in Phil’s mouth. His mind was fuzzy, but it wasn’t because he was drunk. In fact, he felt strangely sober now. He blinked in surprise as Phil swallowed Dan’s load, smirking at him with a quirked lip.

“What?” Phil asked, exasperated. The tone was a bit ineffective though, due to the fact he was still pumping his own erection, trying to get himself off at the same time. “Only true bros swallow.”

Dan chuckled and sat up, leaning toward Phil so he could press a hot kiss to his mouth, licking over his bottom lip and asking for entry. When Phil allowed it, Dan slipped his tongue into Phil’s mouth, tangling their tongues together and tasting himself there. He reached down and swatted Phil’s hand away, instead wrapping his own palm around Phil’s erection and giving it a few tugs. It didn’t take long for Phil to finish, just a few swipes of Dan’s thumb against his slit and he was gone for, white liquid spraying onto Phil’s stomach with a low groan of pleasure.

Dan leaned over to grab a dirty shirt from the floor, wiping off Phil’s mess before curling against him. They didn’t usually cuddle after their brojobs, but Phil didn’t say anything about it and if asked, Dan could always use the excuse that he was drunk. So what if the alcohol was finally clearing from his head?

However, it didn’t take long for the guilt to gnaw into the pit of Dan’s stomach. He frowned, tried to bury it away as he cuddled into Phil, laying his head against his roommate’s shoulder and ignoring the way they both still didn’t have underwear on. Of course, his brain wouldn’t allow him to relax, screaming at him that he’s fucked up for doing this to Phil and that he made Phil cheat on his loving girlfriend with a piece of shit like himself.

He needed some air.

When Phil’s breaths evened out and his head was lolling to the side, soft snores making their way out of his throat, Dan untangled himself from his grip. Silently, he fastened up his jeans and fixed his hair before opening the door and stepping out. Away from Phil, away from what he did.

He seems to have been running away a lot, hasn’t he? And yet somehow, the thought of Phil still follows him everywhere he goes.

Chapter Eight

[whalefairyfandom12]

Your Love's a Fucking Drag (But I Need it So Bad)

Summary: Dan likes black and leather jackets, Phil likes reading in solitude and playing video games. But they have one thing in common as new roommates at uni: They are both completely straight. Just because they like to get each other off every once in a while doesn’t make it any different.

Word Count: 2,415

tw; language, smoking, smut

co-written with botanistlester

Masterpost

Chapter Six

 “Hey! Lester!” The shout echoed from the other end of the hall, stopping Phil in his tracks. He wiped his expression as blank as he could, turning to face the smug smile of Avery. His fingers twitched, and he let his mind wander down a dark hole. He wondered what it would feel like to punch Avery’s smile right off, to break his bones and make his nose bleed.

 Violent thoughts, but justified.

“What?” Phil asked warily.

“Where’s Dan?”

 He resisted the urge to snark back not here. “I don't know.” Lately, he didn't know where Dan was more times than he did. He assumed that he and Cheryl had broken up for good, but he'd had yet to hear any confirmation. He had however, seen the picture of Cheryl and Avery kissing. It was safe to say that neither Cheryl, Avery, nor Dan probably wanted the picture out and circulating, but that was university students drunk on independence.

“Tell him I'm sorry, would you?” It was hard to tell with Avery when he was being serious and when he was lying. The problem was that he was really good at bullshitting, and Phil was really bad at telling when people weren't being honest. His apology could be genuine, or it could be an attempt to hurt Dan even more; and that wasn't something Phil was going to let happen.

“Tell him yourself.”

“I can't find him,” Avery said, a patronizing tone oozing from his words. “That's why I asked you.”

“You should try looking harder,” Phil muttered. He began to inch backwards, heading in the direction of the French room. “I'm going to be late for class, so…”

Avery had an unreadable expression on his face. His nose was scrunched up, eyes narrowed as though Phil was a complicated puzzle he couldn't quite solve. “Yeah, sure. Bye I guess.”

Phil nodded, continuing to retreat until he felt the handle of a door press against his back. He fumbled with it, yanking it down and pushing. He tumbled into the classroom, the professor pausing mid lecture and every eye turning to him. Phil flushed, biting his lip as he made his way to his seat with his head down low. Being late wasn't something he liked to make a habit of, but thanks to Avery he hadn't had a choice.

He pulled out out his notebook and started copying down the writing on the board. It seemed to mostly be review, Phil had heard rumors of a test coming up in the next few days. He reached for his phone and opened his text messages with Dan.

 hey. where are you? you haven't been back to our room since monday

Technically there was a no phones policy, but after all this time Phil had learned to be sneaky. He tapped the end of his pen against the desk, chin propped up on his fist. His phone vibrated, drawing attention from the girl sitting next to him. It was a message from Dan, short and blunt: out

Phil unlocked his phone, thumbs flying. yeah i got that thanks. out where?

Another vibration. fuck off

Phil frowned. Being told to fuck off wasn't anything new, but after their encounter a few days ago he would've thought Dan would've given him an answer. is something wrong?

no

If Dan was reverting to one word answers, there was no point in trying to ask him anything else. After getting back from the party last week, Dan had admitted they were friends, refused to talk about Cheryl, and given Phil a blowjob. He was gone the next morning, and had managed to avoid Phil and their room at all costs. They'd talked once since then, and to call it a conversation would be generous.

 Phil had been on his way to the library, a list of books clenched in his hand. He had a project due on the rise of modern civilization, and for once the library was proving to be more useful than the internet. He wasn't sure how the subject was relevant to a film degree, but credits were credits and there wasn't anything he could do about it.

 The sun beat down overhead, sweat collecting at his hairline and dampening the collar of his shirt. He had never liked hot weather, it made him sleepy and the air hard to breath. Jo passed him in the opposite direction, blonde ponytail swinging. She was followed by a boy with brown hair--who on closer inspection, Phil realized was Dan.

 “Hey.” Phil tapped him on the shoulder. “Where have you been?”

 Dan halted, murmuring something to Jo about catching up later. He looked considerably worse for the wear. Dark circles rimmed his eyes, his skin ashy and pale. His hair was curly and lay matted on his forehead, and the fact that Dan had left the house without taking care of his ‘fucking hobbit hair’ was enough to alert Phil that something was wrong.

 “Dan? What's wrong?”

 “Nothing. I don't want to talk about it,” Dan said sullenly.

 Phil breathed in for seven and out for eleven. “Have you talked to Cheryl at all?”

 “I tried to. She won’t answer.” The response was clipped, but at least it was an answer.

 “I'm sorry.”

 Dan shrugged. “It's fine. I probably deserve it.”

 Phil resisted the urge to grab Dan and give him a hug. He told himself it was just because Dan was upset, and it wasn't anything he wouldn't do for anyone else. “That's not true.”

 “Isn't it, though? The things that--that I’ve been doing with you aren’t stuff that I should be doing.” Dan’s eyes were wild, a hand tugging at the strands of his hair until they stood up straight. “It’s not like I’m in love with you or anything. I’m not gay. I’m not.”

 Dan’s words stung, but there was nothing about them that should’ve hurt. The only part that had any right to bother him were the implications that Phil was cheating on Maria. “I never said you were!” It came out louder than than he intended, and he made an effort to lower his voice. “I’ve never thought that. Besides, it’s just bros helping bros out, right? That’s what you said.” An accusatory edge crept into his tone, and Phil’s glare was only matched by Dan’s.

 “I don’t know! That’s what I thought, but maybe I was wrong. At least Cheryl was with another man--I’ve been fooling around with you. Fuck, I wanted it to be with you, even though I like tits and women and I’m not gay. At least I can tell that what I did was wrong. You’ve got your head so far up your ass you can’t even see that you’re cheating on Maria.”

 Phil stiffened. “If you’re having a gay crisis that’s fine, but you’re not taking it out on me. This isn’t about me, Dan, it’s about you.”

 “This is two sides of the same coin Phil!” Dan’s eyes were stormy, pupils dark and furious. Phil had never seen him this angry, not even after seeing Cheryl and Avery at the party. “Don’t you fucking dare blame all of this on me. You could’ve said something, all those times I ‘helped you out’ or some shit like that. But you were too fucking selfish to think of anyone but yourself.”

“You’re the one who offered in the first place! You’re the one who came onto me! The hell is wrong with you that you’d think I would ever--” Phil’s words stumbled to a halt, a startled gasp escaping instead. Dan slammed him against the wall with all the force of a small freight train. His forearm was pressed against his windpipe, and Phil could slowly feel the air being sucked out of his lungs. The furious look to Dan’s expression was still there, his lips thinned in an unforgiving line. Phil cringed, bracing himself for the inevitable punch. 

Instead, he felt the warm press of lips to his. Instinctively, Phil returned the kiss. Dan tasted faintly like cigarette smoke, coffee, and a distinct flavor that was as familiar as the feel of their hips locking and shuddering. Phil bit down on Dan’s bottom lip, hard, fingers tugging at Dan’s hair as the boy began tongue fucking him in a way that made Phil’s knees go slack. He’d never been one for french kissing, but Dan was doing things that were making him reconsider his judgement.

Then Phil remembered where he was, and more importantly who it was he was kissing. His eyes flew open, but before he could push Dan away the boy was already gone. Phil took a shaking breath, and then another. He opened his lips to yell something to Dan, maybe along the lines of ‘fuck off and never talk to me again’ or  ‘come back and I’ll fuck you into this wall better than Cheryl than ever could.” He didn’t say either of those things, though, because his voice came out as a muted whisper and Dan was already out sight.

Phil hadn’t seen him since then.

  The rest of his classes passed in a similar haze of notetaking and recollection. He assumed Dan was staying with Jo, and the thought made something ugly clench in his chest. He was relieved to make it back to his dorm at the end of the day, dodging Victor’s invitation to a party and looking forward to a night of burying himself in his work.

Phil didn’t waste any time in changing out of his jeans and into his pajamas, unpacking his textbooks and plugging in his computer. He put Muse on shuffle while he worked, Matt Bellamy’s voice and modern civilizations blocking out any unwanted thoughts. He opened a bag of crisps and set them on the bed, alternating between fact checking and eating. It wasn’t exciting, and it certainly wasn’t the most fun he’d ever had, but it was what he needed. A night free of Dan and all to himself.

He barely heard the door creak open a few hours later. The giggling and stumbling were impossible to miss, though. He paused Starlight, pushing his glasses further up his nose and surveying the intruders. Dan slammed the door behind him, laughing hysterically. His arm was thrown around a blonde woman who was laughing just as hard and looked equally as drunk.

The two had made it to Dan’s bed and had started feeling each other up before Phil was able to unstick his jaw. “Excuse me?”

Dan paused, halfway through unzipping the woman’s dress. “What do you want?”

 “I was here first,” Phil said, ignoring the fact that those words made him sound as mature as a twelve year old. “And I’m studying. Get out and get your own room.”

 “We did,” Dan said, raising a coy eyebrow as the woman giggled. “We’re in it.”

 “Did you not hear what I just said? I’m already using it so you need to find a different one.”

“Using it for what? Getting yourself off? Poor little Phil, no girlfriend or fuckbuddy left to help him out. And definitely no roommate whose life he can help fuck up even more.” Dan’s eyes were glazed, and Phil reminded himself over and over that he was drunk, that none of the words coming out of his mouth were anything he would say if he was sober. It doesn’t help. It’s a low blow, and the glint of Dan’s eyes tells Phil he knows it, too.

“Dan--”

“Seriously Phil,” Dan snapped. “If we’re bothering you so much, just leave.” He turned back to the girl, pulling off her dress and pushing her down on his bed. His lips attacked hers, and Phil’s memory flashed unwanted back to the kiss they’d shared, to the moans Dan had released under his mouth. He shook his head vigorously in an attempt to clear it, grabbing his laptop and notebook and stomping out of the room.

The library was thankfully free of further PDA, and Phil settled down in one of the chairs. He opened back to the page he’d been working on, but to his displeasure he realized he’d left his textbook back in the dorm. There was no way in hell he was braving that grope fest again, and he tried unsuccessfully to move on to the next problem.

He was pissed; at himself for forgetting his homework, at Dan for being such a twat, at the girl for running her hands over Dan like she owned him or something, and for the searing image of Dan’s mouth working him undone. Most of all, he was pissed at himself for caring so much, because he was dating Maria and he loved her and it was clear that Dan didn’t give a fuck about him either way.

[whalefairyfandom12]

Your Love’s a Fucking Drag (But I Need it So Bad)

Summary: Dan likes black and leather jackets, Phil likes reading in solitude and playing video games. But they have one thing in common as new roommates at uni: They are both completely straight. Just because they like to get each other off every once in a while doesn’t make it any different.

Word Count: 1,887

tw; language, smoking, smut

co-written with botanistlester

Masterpost

Chapter Four 

Phil liked going to parties as a casual observer. And for the alcohol. He liked getting drunk just enough for his thoughts to get fuzzy around the edges and his reason to blur, but not enough to forget who he was and why he was there. Unsurprisingly, Dan was a massive fan of parties. The boy had attended more parties than Phil could keep track of. To say Dan was the life of the party wasn’t an exaggeration; he always seemed to be surrounded by people, occasionally with Cheryl perched on his lap. In contrast, Phil usually spent his time mixing his own drinks and giving them away to his fellow party goers. They were surprisingly not shit, and more than once he’d considered dropping out of uni to pursue his true calling--bar tending.

 The party Phil was currently attending wasn’t different. He’d taken a break from creating his next masterpiece and opted for the stool in the corner. He hadn’t really been in the mood for socializing, and had almost decided not to go. For the first time in forever his professors hadn’t given him a ridiculous amount of homework. Maria had left a few days ago, and with Dan at the party Phil would’ve had the room to himself. Buffy, popcorn, and his favorite hoodie were the only plans he’d booked the night with, and frankly he had been looking forward to it. Until a certain brown haired roommate who wore too much black had talked him into going out, that is.

 Dan had beaten him to their room after classes and was sitting on the sofa, phone in one hand and an unlit match in the other. He didn’t seem to notice Phil’s arrival and he paused in the entryway, partly to recover his breath from the flight of stairs outside their dorm and partly because Dan looked a few breaths away from crying. The hand clutching the phone was white with tension, shoulders hunched and head bowed. His grip seemed to tighten on the matchstick, and with a crack it broke in two.

“Dan?” Phil closed the door as soundlessly as he could, crossing the distance to his friend in a few steps. “What’s wrong?”

 There was a moment of silence. Dan uncurled his fingers, the broken halves of the match falling to the ground. He didn’t look up, even when Phil sat beside him. Phil hesitated, wanting to hug him. He wasn’t sure that gesture was one that would be too appreciated however, and he settled for sliding his hand into Dan’s. His palm was cold, and as unresponsive and vacant as everything else about him. “Nothing,” Dan mumbled.

 “Bullshit,” Phil said, concern settling in the cracks of his voice and enveloping his words. He laced their fingers together, squeezing. Holding hands with Dan was a foreign feeling, but not an entirely unpleasant one. It felt strangely safe and secure, a memory of childhood brought back to life. “I’ve been stuck in the same room with you for longer than I want to remember, and you honestly expect me to believe that nothing’s wrong?”

 Dan’s phone went off with a chiming sound, and without looking to see who it was he muted the device and shoved it into his pocket. Phil frowned, Dan was tied to his phone and rarely missed a call. “I don't want to talk about it,” he mumbled, dropping his eyes back to the floor.

 “Okay.” There was no point in pressuring Dan, especially when it came to talking about his feelings. “If you change your mind, let me know.”

 “Will you do one thing for me?” Dan’s eyes darted back up Phil’s, wide and imploring.

 “Of course,” Phil said immediately. Agreeing without knowing what he was getting himself into was probably a mistake, but there was nothing else to say.

 “The party tonight.” Dan inhaled audibly, a sharp gasp that reminded Phil of someone drowning. “Will you come?”

 “I was going to go anyway,” Phil lied, bidding Buffy, peace, and quiet, farewell. “Sure.”

 A smile flickered across Dan’s face, the flash of a firefly, disappearing a moment later. His grip tightened, “Thank you.”

 So it was that Phil found himself playing with an empty vodka bottle, bored out of his mind. He’d half hoped that Dan would’ve talked to him at least once, but he should’ve known not to set his expectations too high. Phil pulled out his phone, unlocking it and flipping back and forth from icon to icon in an attempt to look like he had something to do. He checked the time, releasing a long suffering sigh. Still a good few hours until things were likely to wind down.

 He shot a wistful look towards the alcohol. He’d never understood the appeal in getting completely pissed, but the longer he was trapped here he could begin to sympathize. Observing people was only interesting when there was something worth observing. Everyone seemed to be too busy making out to start a game of beer pong, and watching excessive displays of PDA wasn’t anything he’d call fun. That’s what porn was for.

 He’d give it ten more minutes and he was gone.

 “Lester!”

 “What?” Cheryl’s best friend was a girl named Melissa, a pretty girl with long hair and even longer legs. She was eye to eye with Phil, a feat that wasn't easy.

 “Make me a drink.”

 “Please,” he corrected, sliding off his stool and grabbing an empty solo cup. He pulled a few bottles towards him at random, uncapping them and dumping copious amounts of each into the cup.

 Melissa’s nose wrinkled. “The hell is that supposed to be?”

 “A drink,” Phil said with an innocent smile. He shoved it across the table. “I call it the Philgon.”

 She picked the drink up, turning it towards him mockingly. “Bottoms up,” she said, tilting her head back and downing it.

 Phil settled back on his seat, watching her with detached amusement. He tolerated Cheryl for the sake of Dan, but she’d always rubbed him the wrong way in some way or another. Melissa was even worse--she lost no opportunity to treat him like shit unless the situation benefited her to act otherwise. If it was anyone else he might feel a bit guilty hoping they’d be poisoned, but because it was Melissa he didn't.

 She slammed the now empty cup on the table, lip curling. “That was fucking disgusting,” she proclaimed, wiping her mouth with the back of her hand. “Whoever told you were good at mixing drinks is even more of an idiot than you are.”

 “They can't be more of a twat than you,” Phil muttered darkly. “That would be impossible.”

 Melissa’s eyes narrowed. She drew herself up to her full height and then some, looming over him, a menacing shadow. “What did you say?”

 Phil was saved from having to answer by a loud commotion from the opposite wall. Melissa’s head snapped around so fast he was surprised she didn’t get whiplash. He followed her gaze to the source of the noise: Cheryl had thrown her drink on the ground, the glass of her cup shattering and the vodka sinking into the white carpet. Dan stood across from her, expression panicked and looking like a deer caught in the headlights.

 “Cheryl, wait. Don’t--”

 Cheryl spun on her heel and stomped towards the door, back rigid and tense. Mascara smudged her eyes and ran down her cheeks, like the cliche of some film. She sniffled, a delicate hand reaching up to cover her mouth. All eyes turned to Dan, whispers starting to fly from open lips and curious words. A few of the girls in his immediate vicinity jumped to their feet and moved to the opposite end of the room.

 Maybe Phil was being cruel, but the entire thing looked staged to him; an exaggerated act designed to make Dan look as shitty as possible. There was a gleam to Cheryl’s expression that only served to reinforce his reasoning, and strengthened the urge to strangle her. Melissa ran after her, tripping in her heels as she slammed the door behind her and Cheryl.

 Dan ducked his head, looking for all the world as though he’d like to disappear. The whispers were growing louder until they could barely be called that. Phil was already on his feet, all sense and reason having fled. All that was left was a feeling of desperate concern, and fuck the fact that Dan was surrounded by his friends and that they rarely spoke to each other in social situations because for the second time today he looked moments away from crying and that wasn’t something Phil could watch happen.

 “Dan.”

 Dan looked up at him through his hands, his words emerging muffled and barely audible. “It’s you.”

 “It’s me,” Phil agreed, resisting the inappropriate urge to make an Adele reference. “Do--” He stumbled sideways, slamming his elbow into the wall behind him as one of Dan’s friends shoved him out of the way. Phil winced, rubbing his injury and glaring at his attacker. It was a boy he didn’t recognize, but from the hostile look Dan gave him it didn’t look as if they were friends after all.

 “What’s with you and Cheryl?” the boy asked. “Did you just get dumped?”

 “Fuck off Avery,” Dan said coldly. “And you should apologize to Phil.”

 Avery ignored both of those statements, crossing his arms and regarding Dan challengingly. “If she’s done with you mate there’s nothing you can do about it. Any of us would take her like this.” He snapped his fingers. “In more ways than one.”

 “Do you want to go back to our room?” Phil asked, raising his voice. His hand fisted by his side, and if he was a different sort of person he would’ve punched Avery square in the jaw.

 “Yeah. Sure.” Dan got to his feet, head high and face wiped blank. The conversation followed him down the hall, people openly pointing and staring. Phil made sure to ‘accidentally’ knock into Avery on his way out.

 For once he was thankful for the closeness of the dorms. Their room was a few doors down, and as he opened the door he swore it had never felt better to be back. Dan made a beeline for the bed, collapsing on it face first.

 “Any chance you want to talk about it?”

 “By ‘it’ do you mean the blowjob I gave you this morning?”

 Phil scowled, shrugging off his hoodie and throwing it at Dan with all his puny strength. “For a moment there I thought you wanted to be mature about things. My bad.”

 Dan unwadded the hoodie and pulled it over his head. “Thank you for coming tonight. Sorry to make you leave early.”

 “No it's fine I--” Phil cleared his throat, sitting on the sofa in the crease. “You're welcome.” He tugged at the loose thread on his trainers, watching it unravel. “Your friends are dicks, you know that right? You deserve better.”

 Dan’s words were soft, but they carried like he’d shouted. “I have you.”

Despite himself, Phil felt the beginnings of a smile. He'd never have imagined that being called one of Dan’s friends would've made him happy, but here they were. And, maybe, that meant some other things could change, too.

[whalefairyfandom12]

Your Love’s a Fucking Drag (But I Need it So Bad)

Summary: Dan likes black and leather jackets, Phil likes reading in solitude and playing video games. But they have one thing in common as new roommates at uni: They are both completely straight. Just because they like to get each other off every once in a while doesn’t make it any different.

Word Count: 1434

tw; language, smoking, smut

part one by botanistlester

Chapter Two

Phil had been dating Maria six years from this coming Saturday. They'd met one summer on a drowsy afternoon drunk on leisure, and the rest, so to speak, had been history. Until starting college, the two had never lived more than a fifteen minute walk away from each other. Though Phil had known that the commute would prove to be a problem eventually he’d pushed it to the back of his mind, figuring that they’d cross that bridge when they came to it. This decision proved to be one that he regretted, because when the time had come all he’d wanted to do was bury his head in the sand and pretend that he could put off dealing with it.

 The current arrangement was that the two alternated visits; Phil having made the twenty one hour eight minute commute to Maria’s school previously. She was due to arrive Friday night, and to say Phil was panicking was putting it mildly. She’d had yet to meet Dan, as his roommate had elected to bunk with Cheryl each time Maria came to visit. He’d claimed it was because there were things even he didn’t think he could stomach, but either way Phil didn’t mind. Technically, the opposite sex was forbidden to be in each other’s rooms after curfew, but the dorm mother rarely checked rooms and Phil had broken that rule countless times.

 He hadn’t seen Maria since the--incident--with Dan, and despite the other boy’s constant reassurance that it was nothing more than bros helping bros out he still felt guilty. If the roles were reversed he's not sure how well he would've understood. He'd thought about telling Dan that their arrangement was over countless times, but his willpower crumbled before he even tried. As much as he wanted to stop he didn't, and it was that that was the root of the issue.

 In hindsight, his first meeting with Dan should've been warning enough. A cigarette had been held between slender and pale fingers, brown eyes dancing and accenting the smirk flickering at the corner of his lips. Smoke curled into the air and he extended his hand, Phil grabbing it and shaking.

 “Dan Howell.”

 “Phil Lester.”

 Dan eyed him up and down, the smirk beginning to spread. He dropped the cigarette on the ground, the embers dying the moment they hit the pavement. Feeling slightly uncomfortable, Phil readjusted his hold on his bag and made his way inside.

 “That one’s mine,” Dan said, pointing to the bed on the right. Without waiting for any agreement or otherwise he dropped his bag on top of the mattress, gaze meeting Phil’s in a silent challenge.

 He shrugged. “Fine.” Dan waited another beat, looking at him expectantly as if hoping for a bigger reaction. He’d have to live without further complaint because a.) Phil couldn’t be bothered, b.) he didn’t think starting things off with a fight was his best option, and c.) he didn’t really give a fuck one way or the other.

 He ignored Dan’s eye roll, the other boy losing interest and grabbing a box of matches and a new cigarette. “Want one?” Phil shook his head, resisting the urge to step back. Dan struck the match, raising the cigarette and preparing to light it.

 “Shouldn’t you go outside?” Phil asked, brain jumping to all the possible things that could go wrong with his utter lack of coordination and an open flame. Expulsion and definite suspension were two of the most pressing scenarios, not to mention the possibility of dying.

 The edge of panic to his question must’ve been evident because Dan left without complaint; grabbing the matches and remaining cigarettes on his way out and leaving the door open behind him.

 Phil should've taken that as the warning that it was, because Dan Howell was going to be the death of him.

 He slouched back into his sofa crease, closing his eyes and wondering if he had time for a nap. He doubted it, but was almost desperate enough to give it a go. Maria was due to arrive any moment but he’d been staring at his textbook for so long he was relatively certain his eyes were going to fall out of his skull. (If he could be bothered to find a pencil he could probably calculate the velocity of their fall.)

 Formulas danced on the back of his eyelids, burning cold and doing nothing to help his headache. Phil’s current class wasn't anything especially difficult considering, yet a lot of the concepts in his ‘simple’ class were enough to make his head swim and brain pound. He stifled a yawn, kicking off his shoes and stretching out his limbs.

 A loud thumping sound echoed from the beds behind him, followed by a long string of swearing from Dan. Despite himself, Phil felt the corners of his lips quirk up into a smile. While he was glad to have finally met someone as accident prone as he was, sometimes he thought between the two of them and Dan’s smoking it was a wonder they hadn't burnt the university to the ground.

 “Phil!”

 Without opening his eyes, Phil tilted his head towards his best approximation of Dan’s voice. “What?”

 “Where's my jacket?”

 “Did you try the back of the door?”

 There's another crash before Dan’s following shout of triumph. “Found it--how’d you know where it was?”

 “Magic,” Phil deadpanned.

 A sharp, quick knock on the door grounded his attention, and with a groan he rolled off the sofa and into a standing position. He straightened his shirt, running a hand through his hair and fixing his fringe before pulling the door open.

 He was immediately pulled into a hug, the familiar scent of Maria’s perfume tickling his nose. The smell was flowery and sweet, and he thought it was a safe to say that there was almost nothing nicer. He returned the hug, wrapping an arm around her and gently guiding her past the door frame.

 “Hey,” Phil said, a smile rising unbidden. “Did everything go okay getting here?”

 “Yeah,” Maria nodded, stepping back far enough to meet his eyes. “Traffic was hell but besides that it was fine. Dan leave already?”

 “No, he--” Phil’s answer was cut off by the roommate in question, who inclined his head briefly towards Maria in greeting. Phil swallowed, guilt twisting and knotting his stomach into something ugly. He forced what he hoped was a somewhat natural smile on his features, hand finding Maria’s instinctively.

 “Stay safe. Use protection,” Dan said innocently, shouldering his bag and heading towards the door.

 “Nice to meet you too,” Maria said sarcastically, offering an accompanying wave that’s both short and sardonic.

 Phil retrieved his notebook from it’s nest on the sofa cushions, leveling it in the boy’s direction and throwing. Unsurprisingly, he misses horribly. “Nice miss.”

 “Fuck you,” Phil muttered, shooting him a dark look.

 “If only,” Dan agreed pleasantly. “Unfortunately I have a prior arrangement so you'll have to wait. Good meeting you.” Before Phil could throw anything else at him (and miss) he made his exit, leaving the door open.

 “Arsehole,” Phil said darkly, scowling at his retreating form. Dan’s habit of leaving the door open every time he came and went had been a sore topic of conversation since their first day, and despite Phil’s attempted interventions nothing had changed. He contemplated getting up and closing it before deciding against it and slumping back onto the sofa, Maria sitting beside him.

 “He’s as charming as you make him sound,” she said lightly, lacing her fingers more tightly with his. Her thumb traced patterns on the back of his hand, the touch soft and reassuring. “You've managed not to kill him so far, though, so I think that's worth something at least.”

 Phil shrugged. There was plenty of time left in the year to plot Dan’s murder, and he didn't want to waste the few days he had with Maria complaining about his dorm mate.He settled for what he hoped was a neutral “Maybe.”

 “You know what else I think?” Maria asked, glancing up at him through thick lashes.

 “What's that?”

 She leaned in and brushed their lips together, arms looping around his neck and body pressing against his. He pulled her onto his lap, closing his eyes and deepening the kiss. There was a comfortable surety with every movement, a warm safety of routine and past motions to be repeated. Phil’s hands found the hem of her shirt, and for the first time in weeks Dan was the furthest thing from his mind.

(Almost.)