#you get impostor syndrome because you dont feel dysphoria

[thorne1435]

How did you all learn queer history??

I was raised by lesbians but they never talked about it. They didn't even acknowledge to me that they were lesbians, I had to piece that together on my own (which sounds way easier in retrospect than it was in reality when they've both been there for as long as you can remember).

I learned about Stonewall within the past two or three years, after I had switched political alignments and seen queer leftists talking about it like it was a thing I was supposed to know.

I learned about Leelah Alcorn today. Like, 10 minutes ago.

I need some kind of educational digital queer calendar that I can add to my phone's holiday calendar so I can start googling a significant queer event every morning.

[transenbyconfessions]

i feel like i dont even know what dysphoria feels like even though im pretty sure I Feel It. like i dont think cis people are sometimes Overly Aware that they have tits or feel weird about how the vulva just goes. *inwards* like that (like seriously what the fuck? why does it do that?). but the thing is every time i see something that goes 'this'll make you more secure in your gender identity!' (eg the gender dysphoria bible) i just get more confused and the impostor syndrome just sets in even more. this is made worse by the fact that i LIKE how my face looks and just Looking At My Body In The Mirror does NOT cause dysphoria and i LOVE wearing pretty and adorable feminine clothes. im not sure if i wanna go on t or not because of this, too. which just sucks even more.

i know im trans - my dysphoria and, more importantly, euphoria around certain phrases proves that (like, i love being called a boy, i love love the idea of being someone's soft 'cinnamorollcore' bf, etc but i fucking hate hate hate being called a girl and anything like it it makes me want to rip out my organs (note: i am nb, i think)). but like also? idk.

also i know i dont like. *need* dysphoria to be trans. but that's really. not the point of this whole thing. so. yeah.

Submitted July 9, 2023

[stellarune]

ok but i am a firm advocate of the enby keefe headcanon, and so, dadwin with demiboi keefe hc go

first off, keefe is comfy with he/him AND they/them most of the time

they/them always works thoigh, on the few days the Dysphoria Is Strong

so they dont really feel the need to come out to their friends about their gender bc they dont mind he/him, and o. the few days they do, they can just blame it on a bad night of sleep or something

he does really want to grow his hair out though

and hes very afraid of telling elwin because the time he asked his parents ended quite badly for him

they end up telling elwin on a very bad dysphoria day where they just wqnt to say fuck it and be done with it

theyre kinda phased by the lack of reaction from elwin who is just like "yeah i had long hair when in the golden tower too" *shrugs*

it takes a while, even with some elixirs for it to get to a lenght they like, but theyre so happy when they can braid it however they want, make any hairstyle really

biana loves it and always asks to do his hair, and he always says yes even if that day is a masc day

he wishes he could tell her

he almost does a few times but stops himsemf everytime

he knows she wouldnt mind, linh had came out as enby months earlier and it had been ok but you know, impostor syndrom, anxiety and i ternalized transphobia

he comes out to linh first

it seems like the logical choice, to come to the other trans person

ofc, linhs only questions are about pronouns and name

still, it takes him a few minutes for his hands to start checking, evne after she hugs them

they come out to biana next

relly, they feel like fitz would have been the nzxt logical step, but they just dont feel like its as much of a secret as it is between them and bianat

hey feel like theyre holding somethi.g back everytime biana does their hair a.d the last time they felt like that they were planning on joining the neverseen

biana also asks what their pronouns are, and if she should change anything in the way she does their hair

its a smol moment, and ghey know biana gives them all her support by the little purple and yellow beads in their hair (sophie showing them flags had been the best idea)

dex sees their hair, and gives them a thumbs up and a high five when they see eachother

keefe recieves a text asking for pronouns, name and when he could use them

tam just knows

no one knows how, bc keefe didnt tell h and he didnt see their hair that day or anhthing, but on every bad dysphoria day, tam either only uses keefes name or they/them

fitz and sophie ate entirely oblivious

they miterally dont notice eveyone using they/them that one time

bi, dex, and the twins have a betting pool

keefe joins when he hears wind of it

he does end up telling them, because honestly, its been at least a month since every bet has been unvalidated and he jist knows theyll never figure it out on their own

"i love you bro, it does change anything wait can i still call you bro ?"

"how did i miss this ? like, how ?"

sophie just keeps asking herself how she missed it even as she hugs him.

shes still mumbling under her breath afterwards, but keefe knows it doesnt change anytjing atvall for her, he can literally feel it

he doesnt tell elwin

he wants to, he does, but this is the one good thing in his life hes afraid to lose more than anytjing

je knows elwin will suport him, but theres still that part of him just sxreaming to suck it up and not sqy anything

turns out he doesnt need to, even though he does.t realize it

elwin picked up pretty early on on the occasionnal they thrown keefes way

he doesnt mention it though because he feels like this is something that should com from jeefe in their own time on their own terms

and they do tell him

they almost have a panic attack while doing so, but elwin is there and rubbing circles on the back of their hand even after they talked about their pronouns and gender and everything and keefe manages to breath

there are a lot of "i love you"s and "im proud of you"sthat day

elwin gets him a pronoun bracelet a few days later because he hates just thinking about misgendering keefe again

a few days later, keefe asks him to tell the rest of the relevant adults

jjst, demiboi keefe being happy with a supportive family

[chemicxl-fallout]

wow dont you guys love it when you feel everything in your mind and life crumble and break down into pieces and on top of that, everyone you care about is getting awfully distant with you and your toxic relationship with your parents is exploding, and youre also doing shit in school because online just doesnt fucking work for you, oh and also you have ceippling anxiety, dysphoria, rsd, impostor syndrome and peobably adhd but you just switched therapists so you cant talk to them about it because they dont know anything about your life?

ive had a hell of a week.

i swear the only good thing happening for me right now is Stray Kids. that is the one good thing i have right now (and i know it only msked me this level of happy because im hyperfixating on it)

[aibrechts]

this is like a PSA/disclaimer???? should be obvious lol but dont come into my asks telling me how to feel???? 

bar the obvious of that my feelings have nothing to do with you and you shouldn’t care if i get pissed about something, but telling me specifically that i shouldnt be angry over something im angry about uuuuuuuuhhh kinda doesnt make me any less angry!!! groundbreaking stuff, i know.

i dont owe you any context or explanation for that but im gonna give u one because i want you to understand why exactly that peeves me so much.

my entire life i’ve been a spineless pushover bitch who will roll over for anyones opinions. id never argue against anyone, id never stand my ground, id never defend myself, and that essentially erased who i am as a person. made me this hollow ghost-shell filled with nothing but other peoples opinions and expectations. 

and guess what? i hated it. i hated it so much and despite other shit that i have MORE than enough reason to hate, i dont even hate my gender dysphoria as much as i hated that specific part of myself. 

so i decided to make an effort to fix it!!!!!

i stopped agreeing with everyone, stopped bending over backwards and working myself to the bone to please everyone, stopped internalising and silencing my disagreements and opinions and feelings. and i am so much better for it. this year i’ve actually feel like a real human person for the first time in my LIFE. ive dealt with a lot of under-the-radar impostor syndrome that doesnt come from things im good at and have worked for, but for the fact that i had no personality at all. 

and i fixed myself.

so please for the love of christ and my own goddamned humanity, do not come into my asks and tell me not to feel. because ive been down that road. and i fucking hate it. 

[the-gaytriarchy]

Norah’s Back?

So, today is my birthday (woo) and this blog has been semi-inactive lately (for about 7 months) other than the obvious untagged crossposts from Diaspora so I feel like I owe you, my followers, an explanation. TL;DR version: I've been busy AF and havent had time to focus on my blog, *might* remake sometime later but stay tuned. Also please make my transition fund go viral even if my blog sucks ily <3 Full personal update and related triggers under the cut (just so ppl can see this)

All involved triggers I can think of: nsfw text, food, dysphoria, misgendering, transitioning, transphobia, transmisogyny, mental illness, capitalism, school, impostor syndrome, religion, family So from my college graduation to mid November was characterized by dedicated activism in my community and bitter underemplorment but shortly before Turkey day I finally got a job in IT that I always wanted (!!!). Unfortunately this position was obtained under my deadname and I’ve basically been pretending to be a boy there ever since. Would have come out a while ago but its located in a buttfuck nowhere rural town that doesnt have legal employment protections for LGBTQ people and even if the company is changing its own policy on it soon but dragging their fucking feet on it.  Lying about myself is getting harder and harder to deal with. 

Part of that has to do with dysphoria getting worse in general, and the fact that I thought it was a great idea to take night classes to finish my IT certification which was stuck on the backburner. This has left me with next to no free time and regularly exhausted. Since im coming straight from work to class I have to be dressed almost in boymode every time I come in which is fucking degrading even if I use my real name there (while still getting sired by a prof and sitting next to a part time transphobe).

I also came out to my parents and they didnt react great but it didnt go especially bad either. They wont let me come out to my youngest sibling which sucks bc I *really* want to come home and be their daughter and an older sister </3 They like that im less of an atheist though I guess but I can only work the queer Christian angle so well, not that I should have to perform as such to demand my dignity as a woman.

It hasnt been all bad new tho, happy to be chasing my dreams and weekends are my days off where I look femme AF then. Im in the process of getting electrolysis set up but would need to get it weekly on a weekday which would require me to buy another car instead of carpooling to work. (I dont wanna buy another fucking bank breaking garbage metal death machine that will definitely break later because thats already happened enough times to the point where its literally traumatizing.) The job itself tho is otherwise way nice bc I make a living wage and great benefits (holy shit right) even if the commute sucks. Also my night classes are about to end their semester soon and my next one will be online and therefore 100% easier to deal with (my job benefits may even pay for it for me!) and give me actual free time again yaaaaaay. So thats been my life lately, I’ll try to be on here more often. I also started my transition fund which will help out with a lot of these problems, so please reblog that around! Also big thanks for being my followers for some reason and listen to me vent! <3

[littlefurpants]

so im starting a new form of therapy, PE therapy, mainly to treat my PTSD. its very involved and between that and the DBT therapy im also doing, my therapist and i wont have a lot of time to discuss other things that come up in my life, so she referred me to a gender specialized therapist to talk about my gender issues. THIS IS SCARY AND EXCITING. with the exception of my one consultation i have never seen anyone specifically for that and its boggling my mind that ill get to talk about my gender like, one hour a week, because even though i sought out my current therapist because she’s supposedly an expert in LGBTQ issues (and i got a rec from a trans friend) we have actually not talked about gender AT ALL in the going on two years that ive seen her. which is like, bad. really bad. but with the style of therapy she does there isnt a lot of room for me to be like “so, i was experiencing a little dysphoria in the shower this week...” i just dont know how to work it in. so itll be good to have a therapist specifically for that, although i immediately had a burst of impostor syndrome where i was like “what if im not trans ENOUGH???? what if i don’t have ENOUGH issues??? what if my dysphoria isn’t bad enough? is it bad i don’t want hormones or bottom surgery? is it bad i dont identify as a man? im very insecure about being nonbinary. i have never felt trans enough. but hopefully this therapist will help me work through some of those feelings. they’re supposedly very good, AND they themselves are nonbinary and use they/them pronouns like me! which is super exciting! i always get that “same pronoun!” a la “same hat!” “same hat!” whenever i meet another they/them person. so... im excited about all this. my mom was a little weird about it when i told her. she didnt now what to say. im just reading into it but i wonder if she feels bad that she has a kid who has to go to a therapist specifically for this. thats me way making assumptions though. shes really very good about gender stuff but she really just doesn’t know what to say. it could be a lot worse.

i will keep you posted on this journey once i start to have appointments with them.