#you have no way of knowing how I feel. I am capable of making jokey text posts AND having serious feelings and beliefs

[sharpth1ng]

Hihihi sharp, sharpie, sharp guy, sharps disposal! Silly sharp man, I sent an ask for writing tips not too long ago, and I am yet again asking. Nay, BEGGING 🙏. If you have. Any writing tips. On Stu’s character. Ouhg. What’s your thought process on writing him?

Anything helps/nfta

If I mischaracterize him I will cry, broski. Jelp.

This is a little late but maybe it will still be helpful.

The way I see Stu hes someone that copes with positivity and humor. If someone he cares about is upset his first instinct is to make a fool of himself to distract them. He's an extremely social person because he finds people entertaining, even though he cares for relatively few of them.

I dont consider him a psychopath but think that relative to the general population he has high levels of cognitive empathy and lower levels of emotional empathy. This means that he's good at understanding people, and because he can understand them he can manipulate them, but he doesn't necessarily feel for them.

For example he's bummed to lose Tatum because he enjoyed spending time with her but he doesn't experience deep grief after her death. The emotional empathy he does experience is extremely selective, and most of it is directed toward Billy.

Put this all together and you have someone who is extremely socially capable. He knows how to fit in and get what he wants out of people. A lack of emotional empathy means he doesn't experience much guilt or shame. Guilt and shame are social emotions, to feel them you have to care what people think of you and how you affect them, and Stu mostly doesn't.

All of that said, Stu has the capacity for emotional empathy, he isn't neurologically incapable of it. I see this as something that kind of atrophied or got shut down through a combination of societal privilege and parental neglect.

The dark side of all that social energy and a history of neglect is that he still craves attention and affection, but he knows better than to just fully be himself around most people. If he did that he wouldn't be able to pass as normal, so thats where Billy comes in.

Similar to the way that Stu is special to Billy because he's the only person who really knows how fucked up he is, it's the same for Stu. Billy is the only person thats safe for Stu to fully let loose with, the only person fully capable of giving Stu the attention and affection he craves.

In that way they're pretty co-dependent, and Stu specifically isn't even trying to hide that dependence. Some people decide from a young age that they're going to be an astronaut or a doctor, and then they devote everything to that until they get it. Stu decided from a young age that he was going to be by Billy's side, however he was allowed. For the most part Billy is his first priority.

I think the paradox of childhood neglect is that you want attention and care but you don't actually know how to be cared for, and it can feel a lot more comfortable to care for someone else than to let them care for you. In some ways Stu can focus on Billy because it's more comfortable than focusing on himself. He understands Billy and I think he enjoys the special relationship he has with him. Even before they're romantically involved he knows that Billy gives him a kind of attention he doesn't give anyone else and that feels incredible.

So that's kind of the way I see his emotional motivation and internal psychological state, that's what I use to figure out how he would respond to various events in my writing.

In terms of his dialogue and internal voice he's jokey, he sees and delights in the absurdity of situations he's in. He uses a lot more slang than Billy and will choose silly turns of phrase just to make people laugh and because he thinks they're funny. He's a fairly sensory person but not as much as Billy, and he's a lot better at identifying his own emotions than Billy. Billy will describe emotional reactions in terms of their physical correlates (eg instead of saying he's embarrassed he'll say he feels sick and his face is getting hot) whereas Stu is often able to just identify that those things mean embarrassment.

Again in contrast to Billy he prioritizes pleasure and joy regardless of what that might mean about him. As a result he's not likely to spend much time in denial about his experiences and he mostly doesn't bother to make excuses to himself about the things he desires. He's pretty brave, he's willing to sacrifice a lot for what he wants and he's ok with a little bit of suffering, even if it's not the kind of suffering that turns him on.

Alright theres your Stuart essay 😭 i hope you find it helpful!

[drivelikeiido]

to dye for

matty dyes the reader's hair in his own chaotic, messy way

matty healy x reader

word count: 1k

warnings: some suggestive mentions but it's all jokey but other than that it's just fluff ! (aka all i seem to write)

notes: this is self indulgent because i dye my hair all the time and i saw a pic of blue haired matty on the dash this morning that inspired me to actually write this ! also shoutout to mads for saying it was similar to the hair dying scene from clueless you were so right and i finally watched clueless because of that so slay

The scene in the bathroom is carnage. Coloured dye and stained towels litter the previously spotless floor. You almost regret putting too much trust into your boyfriend’s capabilities to help you, but he did insist and who were you to resist those chocolate brown eyes?

You're sitting cross-legged on the chair you brought in from the office, one you’re glad neither of you cared about as it’s now irreversibly dyed with memories of this venture. Matty stands behind you, your head at the perfect height for him to apply his ministrations. Normally you adore the feeling of your boyfriend’s slender fingers playing and passing through your hair, but at this current moment in time the feeling just stresses you out, not being able to see the ‘artistic choices’ he’s taking in terms of your appearance worries you. It’s not that you don’t trust him but judging from the sight of the splatters of dye that are dotted all over the bathroom floor he seems to have gotten a little too overenthusiastic to be involved in your makeover, making you worry for the state of your undoubtedly stained scalp.

After a particularly loud sigh from you and a warning of “Matty!” your boyfriend's infectious giggle can be heard from above you, the wholesome sound filling the small space of the bathroom.

“Darling I am helping you know”

“Matty, you’re getting dye everywhere!” you chide, only pretending to be annoyed at him and he knows that.

“You want it all to be covered don’t you?”

You snap your head back to look up at him, his infectious grin already staring back at you, “Yes but not the walls!”. His responding laugh is booming and full of entertainment and the way his eyes crinkle at the edges with how broad his smile is makes you want to kiss every inch of his pretty face, that too which somehow has dots of dye splattered onto it, making him look even more like a work of art than he normally does. 

His colourful gloved hands start a shooing motion, telling you to turn around once again so he can finish his job. You slump your shoulders in joking exaggeration, breathing out “You’re gonna make my hair go grey Matthew”. His laugh is immediate, “And then I’ll just dye over it again” his voice proud and smug as he drops a loud, overdramatic kiss to your shoulder, that act alone fracturing your annoyed facade, a large lovestruck smile breaking out onto your face.

“You make me want to scream sometimes”

“Oh I know, love”, you can practically hear the shit-eating grin in his sudden sultry voice as he decides to interpret this as innuendo.

His antics make you sigh once more as you lean your head back, looking up at his playful eyes, “Oh stop, you know I didn't mean it like that”.

His mischievous smile is hypnotising as you look up at him from below, his face upside down due to your awkward angle, “Oh sure you didn’t but I have enough memories of you screaming for me to last a lifetime so forgive me if your threat lacks substance sweetheart”

“Oh my god Matthew!”, the memories of pleasure-filled nights filling your mind and making you blush; even after all these years of dating he still has this effect on you so easily.

His amused laugh echoes in your ears once again, “Please, stop pretending to be innocent, we both know you like it”.

You suddenly feel very vulnerable, covered in hair dye and currently blushing and flustered from your boyfriend’s previous comment, “Behave and finish my hair now please”. 

“Anything you say love”.

He maneuvers your head forwards again to allow him to add some finishing touches to the art piece that is your hair, how there’s any part of your head not covered in dye at this point is a mystery to you but you let him entertain himself.

Once Matty had rinsed through your hair until the water ran clear, his fingers soothing as he ran them through the freshly coloured strands as well as the conditioner he had generously applied afterwards. 

When that too was rinsed out, he left you sitting on your shared bed like a wet dog while you towel-dry off your hair as he tries to clean up the multicoloured mess he had created in the bathroom. As you take the hairdryer to your hair Matty comes in from the other room, now changed into his ‘comfy clothes’ and wearing those tartan pyjama bottoms he knows you can never take your eyes off of. He walks slowly up to you from behind, wrapping his tattooed arms around your chest as he leans his head on your shoulder, looking at you in the tall mirror you both stand in front of. His eyes and smile are tired as he silently appreciates you and your new look, his thumbs rubbing slowly over your ribs and holding you flush to his cosy chest, an action that always feels like home.

Your hair is finally dry and Matty takes on the responsibility of being the one to brush it, slowly dragging the brush through your fresh hair and afterwards running his fingers through it once more, that motion alone bringing on a wave of sleep causing you to subconsciously lean back into him, your eyes fluttering shut at the contact. Matty begins carefully swaying you both side to side, still watching you intently in the mirror, leaving feather-light kisses in the crook of your neck, the urge to have them tattooed into your skin a constant desire. 

His voice is low as he sleepily mumbles into your skin, “New hair looks good y’know, always knew it would, you’d suit anything”. 

Your voice is light and appreciative as you thank him and watch your sleepy man of a boyfriend nuzzle closer into your body, his dark eyes making eye contact with yours as he leans up to drop a kiss to the side of your temple, 

“You look beautiful, my perfect little art piece”.

His reference to his pollock-like hairdressing style makes you giggle and turn around to hug him fully, his large arms more than welcoming as he holds you tight against his pyjama-clad torso once again, whispers of sleep swirling around you both and subconsciously dragging you back to bed.

[thelonelyafab]

oh my god another rant yay !!!!!!!

ermmm i guess this is autism adjacent but like i really hate how some people i really care about treat me !!! like a lot and i hate feeling so bitter about it but like idk it fucks with me sososo bad!! like,,, idk it’s pretty well known that i’m autistic and i know i struggle with tone and eye contact (i’ve gotten better about this one) and generally not being terrible with interrupting people but like oh my fucking god like………….. i was seeing a friend that i hadn’t seen in awhile and i’ve been kinda mentally a mess lately and i tried opening up to them about it and (keep in mind i feel like i’ve come to them with a lot of problems that are serious to me) and they were being receptive i guess but then they said “i think this is the first time i’ve listened to you be serious about something”…… like oh i have just been some ironic jokey person to you and you thought that time i was borderline sexually assaulted by one of ur friends was a silly joke!! like i didn’t cry to u about it!! like how the fuck do i come off to people i do not get it like i know i like to joke around a lot but like i feel like i’m pretty clear when i need to be serious and like does that just not read at all to people is my tone wrong or what. or like is it just impossible to fully see me as a person!!! idk this feels dramatic but like,,, i really do feel like i’m perceived as a person who isn’t capable of a lot of emotions or i’m perceived as a person not worth taking seriously and like i’m still in a daze that this person thought i had never been serious with them before. idk it’s really messes with my sense of self because i feel like i’ve made so many strides dealing with autism and i hear that and it makes me realize that that isn’t true at all and i am barely a person to some of the people i care about. i ummmm know i have my issues but i am really struggling with the fact that maybe it’s way worse than i thought and that i’ve just convinced myself that im better at masking/being normal.

anyways i am sobbing in the gender neutral bathroom and going crazy because i forgot my vape at home today

[lucydacusgirl]

You guys are so funny you know it’s possible to have feelings and beliefs you don’t put on tumblr right. Like I can think and know something without broadcasting it on social media

[rotshop]

*slams into your inbox* I just read through mag reader and Deimos headcanons again and I love it. I would def be interested in seeing more! (Also are you sure you don’t wanna hold his hand? Even just a little?) -Echo

gonna do a funney little mix of ideas here ,,,,, lol ,,,,,,,, also yes i am sure <333 i go 'hey check out this funny fish' and then i hold his head underwater.

[ tw brief, light violence, body horror and gore / blood ]

context

auditor + mag s/o ;

-OK OK HEAR ME OUT .

-you weren't originally an aahw project. while they're definitely the biggest company of sorts around there's still a few others that are like them but not exactly them hanging around nevada. you happened to be in some facility they decided to raid due to them having some possibly useful information regarding the anti-aahw . she's definitely a little less than enthused to get a call from her agents that she should come check this out but ,, when she lays her eyes on u that immediately melts away

-he's VERY very curious about you. keeps you close which is kind of nice bc it means you're treated pretty well but also it means a lot of being watched. audi just has like. a habit of unconsciously ''''''''studying'''''''' you. they're always noting little behaviors of yours down mentally and asking you little questions abut how you came to be and what abilities you hold.

-believe it or not he actually DOESN'T want you in fights. she knows you're incredibly capable but the thought of you getting too involved in a bunch of clawing and tearing again makes her get uneasy. she just prefers for you to stay by her side, with the excuse that you're a body guard of sorts for her (you aren't, she's got several other, more disposable mags that serve that role just fine.).

-HOWEVER. there is one time where he doesn't get an option in that. a few contractees and dissenters attempted a raid on the base audi was at, hoping to try and get some sort of bargaining chip to make deal with. before they can even really attempt to try and land some sort of hit on them you're already pouncing on the nearest grunt, blood already spurting and painting the walls red in mere seconds of your arrival. it honest to god shocks her into stillness, her just watching motionlessly the entire time, only really moving once to dodge some limb you'd mindlessly thrown her way after tearing it from its socket. WHILE SHE IS IMPRESSED ,,, she still scolds you a little for being reckless while trying to scrub the blood off of you with a wet rag, huffing that 'you could've gotten seriously hurt' if you were any less careful >:/

-however he does do the thng where he like. cups both sides of your face and then presses his forehead against yours. you have to lean down a lot for him to do so but still. sighs a little while brushing his thumb under your eyes and tells you to be more careful from now on.

-auditor is not immune to favoritism and it shows. someone brings it up (shakily, of course) and she just shrugs and goes 'idk what you're talking abt' while petting you who's got your head on her lap. said person promptly gets 'dismissed' after.

-hates whenever anyone tries to put some kind of muzzle on you, even if its just for the jaw dislocation thingy it still makes him go kind of '>:|' . he'll let them for like. a day at MOST (unless you keep trying to get it off, then chances are he's just gonna take it off for you. nobody really bothers asking / trying to get it back on you bc he just sends them a sharp little glare before they even can. if you REALLY need it that bad then he might try and convince you to keep it on a little longer or otherwise take your mind of it, he still feels really bad about it tho . )

sanford + mag s/o ;

- :)

-you two knew each other before he dissented / you became a mag. worked pretty close together and were just close in general !! you didn't know dei super super well since he worked in a different area but you two met a few times and hit it off pretty well.

-anyway ! he doesn't take your magnification well. at all. the first few times he saw you after it were the worst, mostly because those few times were primarily because you were lashing out at agents for one reason or another (mostly maltreatment from guards / people being shitty in general) . for the first while its so obvious that you're just exhausted from what's happened to your body that was NOT meant to become this, that you're tired and on edge from not being allowed any real rest. it makes him feel fucking terrible to see how awful of a state you're in and know that there's next to nothing he can really do to help.

-it especially hits him when he notices the other little changes. there's some specific moment where he's holding onto you far too tightly, clutching at the back of your jacket while he does his best to keep composed. you always had this habit of giving a half jokey hum of some stupid little joke or even just a 'what's wrong, big guy?' whenever he seemed off or tense, he can't help but make note of the lack of real response from you in the moment other than you wrapping your arms around him as well. another time, maybe he tries to make some little inside joke after something reminded him of it, looking back at you with a little smile. it hits him with a special punch to the gut when he notices your confusion, you just can't recognize it. you don't remember it anymore. you don't remember a lot of your old self or interactions anymore.

-you two end up getting split up at one point or another. orginally, he'd planned to run away with you and deimos buut,,, one way or another, you weren't really able to get out. he goes looking for you a bunch but eventually he has to stop when it gets to be too much and he can't find any real sign of you, he's quiet for a long time after it.

-HOWEVER . he does eventually find you in some abandoned warehouse him and the others had planned to look for supplies in. the entire time he's in there he keeps hearing sounds he thinks are just dei or hank but every time he asks or comments on it they just give him a look of confusion or a little 'what are you talking about?' it puts him really on edge, it's worse when he's in one of the further corners, digging through a few boxes and desperately trying to ignore how much it feels like someones there. anyway umm lol its just you ,,,, ehe . it takes him a solid minute to process that its you but as soon as it clicks he's yelling your name and running up to hug you. doesn't even stop to think that you could totally tear him a new one right then and there he's just too happy to see you. dei and hank both come rushing over after hearing him, dei recognizes you too and is just kinda 'oh hey !! friend !! :D' while hank stands there and just kinda stares.

-is able to take you back to base without too much argument from the others. he does his best to fill you in on everything that's happened in hopes you'll explained what happened on your part too. even if you don't he can't be too upset since he's just too gd happy to see you again ,,,, chances are you stick around him a lot . deimos is nice but u don't remember him super well and hank makes you uneasy lmao . its ok he thinks its funny though, just laughs a little whenever you stand in his doorway in silence until he notices you :)

[maybe-its-micheal]

Like an Orange Spark...

/rp /dsmp

Ghostbur watched as Dream, Tommy, and Techno talked. He was sure he had just known what they were discussing, but now the context seemed to slip through his fingers... he was used to the feeling, though, and shrugged it off. He tried for a few minutes to pay attention, but kept forgetting what everyone was talking about, amd decided to do something else. He turned his back to them, and let his eyes wonder across the snowy landscape.

It was really was a lovely day, the leaves of the spruce trees swayed slightly in the chill breeze, leaving shadows dancing on the ground. A few small bushes peaked up over the snow, dotted with red berries, and the sun sat in the center of the cloudless sky. Ghostbur heard a slight rustle from a near by bush, and spotted a hint of blue from behind it.

"Listen, Techno, you owe me. Im calling in that fav-"

"Friend!" Ghostbur yelled, interrupting whatever it was Dream was on about.

Techno's expression, a mix between anger and concern, shifted to pity as he looked over at the ghost. It was odd seeing the man who he'd once fought alongside like this... he was a capable leader, and a dangerous enemy. But that was in another life...

Tommy was tense, and flinched as Dream snapped his head around to glare at Ghostbur. He grumbled something under his breath before turning back to Technoblade. "Look. I dont want to make this a big thing-" Techno put a hand up to interrupt as he gave Dream a serious look. He turned to Ghostbur, handing him a lead.

"Hey, Ghostbur. Me and Tommy need to talk to Dream, but I saw a patch of blue flowers on the other side of the village. How about you take Friend and see if you can find them?" He asked.

"Ok!" He responded excitedly. Blue was his favorite, he was always looking for more. "You guys have fun!"

He tied the lead to Friend and ran his grey fingers through the soft wool. He turned to go, hearing a few hushed sentences as he walked off.

"He shouldn't have to watch something like this," Technoblade whispered.

Dream scoffed. "Not like he'd remember anyway. But now that he's gone, I want Tommy to..."

And the voices trailed off. Wilbur decided to fill the quiet by talking to friend- that always cheered him up! "Today I've been spending lots of time with Technoblade!" he told the sheep. "We brewed a whole bunch of invisibility potions together, it was lovely. You know, I think they may be his favorite kind of potion, he kept going on about how much he wanted to share them with Tommy." He gave a slight chuckle, then stopped walking. He turned around to look back at the group. "Technoblade seems to really like Tommy. I cant imagine why..." he said with a jokey smile, eyes fixed on Tommy. He was a bit hunched over, still looking at the ground. Every so often he looked up, nervously glancing to Dream with big, glossy eyes, and then looking back down. Ghostbur frowned. "Maybe that was a bit mean to say. I was only joking," he clarified to Friend. "Tommy isn't all bad."

Ghostbur turned back around and kept walking. On his way to the village he got to thinking about Tommy... he could be really annoying, there's no denying that, but he also had a lot of good qualities. He remembered when they were first making L'manburg together; those were good times. Tommy had been very brave, then, and determined too. No matter how grim a situation looked he never seemed to be afraid of Dream, he just kept going. Maybe he was just a naive child, but in the end... the details were fuzzy, but Ghostbur was sure that in the end it was Tommy who did something to secure the future of their nation.

In the quiet he couldn't help but overhear some of the conversation taking place back over the hill. Their voices were getting louder, maybe they were all excited about something. A smile dawned on Ghostbur's face- maybe they'd sent him away because they're planning a surprise party! He stopped walking again, and did his best to listen.

"I am not handing him over to-" Techno's voice yelled.

"... control over... give it to me! Him. Give him to me!" Dream responded.

"You've done enough dam..."

"... never should have trusted..."

"I dont want to kill you."

It was hard to keep track of who was saying what, but it didn't sound much like party planning. Ghostbur went back to walking- he could see the wooden roofs of buildings in the distance, which meant he was getting close to the village.

In all the yelling he wondered why he couldn't hear Tommy's voice. Maybe he just hadn't listened hard enough- that was probably it. Being quiet is quite unlike Tommy, Wilbur thought.

"Come on, Techno... favor... my..."

"I dont want... can't betray him agai..."

"...Im sorry."

"Theseus."

Theseus... he wasn't sure why, but that name lit something up in the back of his mind. It was only there for a moment, like a flickering spark. A memory. Phil had told him and Techno about Theseus when they were kids... it was a bedtime story, he thought. He pinched the bridge of his nose, and shut his eyes, trying to focus on it, and see if he could get the spark to come back. Friend looked at him with a tilted head and bah'ed, as if to ask why they stopped walking.

"... can make a deal..."

"Hand him over... want..."

"I'll never fall for..."

"He's just a kid, Dream. He..."

Wilbur could see the spark in his mind- a little glowing dot of orange bouncing around in an infinite void of grey and blue darkness. Then, all at once, the spark lit up, erupting into a flame that filled his entire mind. Ghostbur jumped backwards with surprise, falling into the snow.

His mind took him back to another time; another life, when he was another person. The war was still going on, the first one with Tommy, Tubbo and Fundy. Eret had already betrayed them.

In his mind, he saw Wilbur- himself- no, Wilbur- standing on the banks of a lake back in Dream SMP territory. An oak path stretched over the water like a bridge, and Dream stood to one side, Tommy on the other. They both held a bow and a few arrows.

Fundy and Tubbo were there with him, and so were George and Sapnap. Everyone was deadly silent, except for Wilbur. He was counting, loud and clear, his voice echoing over the scene.

"...in it for me..."

"...give you... ever want..."

"Fine, its a deal."

"...I'm sorry, Tommy..."

"... Theseus... cliff... the person he took refuge f..."

"...faster."

"... seen it coming."

The talk was drowning out the memory... the firelight was flickering, and peices of the scene were covered with grey darkness and splotches of blue again. Ghostbur was desperate to hold on, he held his head in his hands and pushed his eyes shut tight. "No no no no no," he muttered to himself, hoping for it to stay just a few moments longer. Through the fading light he heard his past self reach the number 10 amd stop counting... Tommy and Dream turned around to face eachother.

"Please, Techno, I dont want to go," Ghostbur heard from back in reality. Tommy's voice was breaking through his memory... it was all falling apart.

"Come on, Tommy. Take off the armor, don't make me do this the hard way," Dream replied.

"I dont want to, Techno. Hes going to kill me, please!"

"I'm not going to kill you if you cooperate. Hurry up," Dream barked.

The memory was almost gone. There was no more Fundy, or Sapnap, or oak path. It was only water as a heap of bubbles disturbed the surface. When they cleared Ghostbur could see Tommy struggling in the water. He was about to reach the air again, but then-

An arrow plunged itself through Tommy's heart, killing him instantly, and it all came flooding back.

He was snapped back to present day, and running back to the three. Friend was left behind in the snow. Dream shot Tommy. That was the memory, how Tommy lost his second life. Dream shot him. "You BASTARD!' He shouted at the top of his lungs as he sprinted back the way he came. "You fucking BASTARD!"

Then the darkness started to come back... Ghostbur balled his hand into a fist. Dream let out a yell... and it all went grey.

Next thing he knew, he was seated with Technoblade in the house. He looked around. "Oooh! You're brewing! Are you making invisibility? Thats your favorite potion," he told the pig. Techno looked up.

"No, its... harming." He replied. "I thought- you know since you're undead it would work kind of like skeletons and zombies."

"Aww, it's for me? Thanks! But why would I need to heal?" He paused, feeling a bit cold. There was a draft- maybe a window was opened upstairs.

"Because-" Techno stopped and looked at the ghost. "Do you not remember?"

Ghostbur paused. "Hmmm... well I know Dream came to visit. And then... something about an arrow? No, that wasn't it... I guess I dont really remember. What happened?"

Technoblade sighed, and set the potion down. "Nothing big. Im just glad youre ok."

Ghostbur laughed, "well yeah! It's not like I could die again!" That draft was getting big- he looked down.

"Oh." He said. There was a massive hole in his yellow sweater, but the grey akin underneath was left unharmed. "How did..?"

"Dont worry about it. Phil is already working on making you a new one, too, by the way. It'll be blue."

Ghostbur gasped. "Oh my god!" He exclaimed with a smile, "thats my favorite color!"

Technoblade chuckled. "I know, Ghostbur. I know."

"I should tell Tommy," the ghost decided. "Where is he?"

Techno's face fell. "He... had to leave."

Ghostbur shrugged. "I don't remember that, when?"

"Just a few minutes ago... he went with Dream."

Ghostbur smiled pleasantly. "Thats nice, they really are such good friends."

"Yeah..." Technoblade replied. "Friends."

[kiara-carrera]

permanent ink

note: this is set the day after this drabble i did, but also set in that quick little sad montage in s2e1 when jj gives himself a stick and poke. this is probably gonna be reworked once i actually get to season 2 just for any context issues i run into later on, but the bulk of this is canon for them, my tiny lil babies. none of this is really season 2 spoilers tbfh, but also just know this is set in s2e1. also v unedited.

pairing: leah thompson x jj maybank

cruel summer, season two

When Leah woke up, it was to the sounds of chickens clucking somewhere in the distance and to the dull throbbing of her side against an uncomfortable surface. Even before she could adjust to being awake, even before her eyes could flutter open to assess her surroundings, there was no doubt in her mind that she was at the Chateau, on John’s uncomfortable ass pullout couch.

And then there was that pang in her chest at the thought of even just his name. None of this was right. None of it made sense. It seemed as if everyone around her had just accepted the fact that the Phantom had gone down and wrecked, that John B and Sarah had been lost to the sea. That they weren’t just gone for a bit of time, but forever. 

And yet something in her just wouldn’t let the information click, wouldn’t let the all too apparent truth win the battle with the denial warring through her mind. Grief was something that Leah was slowly realizing she wasn’t capable of stomaching, her brain reverting back to the denial stage like a broken record.

It didn’t make sense. The truth was too much to handle, too much to rationalize. To Leah, it didn’t make sense that the same fate that had befell the father had occurred again for the son, like some sick and twisted tragedy. These were the things that existed only the the thoughts that she shoved down and down, deep where she hoped they would never resurface.

They always did.

She let a groan escape her, an annoyed and frustrated little noise, as she rolled onto her back, eyes still squeezed shut as she considered praying to a god she didn’t believe in to let sleep take her. If not for refuge from all thoughts of John Booker Routledge for another moment, but to get away from the sounds of those fucking chickens.

“Sleeping Beauty finally awakes,” someone said from beside her, a snarky yet somewhat joking tone laced into the words.

Her eyes snapped open as she flailed a bit against the couch, heart jolting in her chest. She managed to sit up a bit before her eyes landed on the source of the voice. A somewhat amused JJ was sitting across the room, legs crossed and his foot in his lap, a pencil dangling precariously from his fingers. 

Memories of the night before slowly came crawling through her mind, sitting on the dock, silent tears streaming down her face under JJ’s arm. They’d sat there until at least two am, mostly in silence while passing a beer between them. She wasn’t sure what had happened after they came back in the house, laying back on John B’s couch the last thing she could remember before she must have fell asleep.

“Jesus Christ, JJ,” Leah breathed out, hand running over her face, her heart galloping in her chest. “What the fuck is wrong with you?”

JJ snorted. “Geez, good morning to you too, sunshine.”

“Fuck off,” she groaned, letting herself flop back onto the couch. She could hear him laughing as she pulled the pillow out from under her head to shove it over her face — it was way too fucking early to be dealing with this.

Look, she wasn’t saying that being around her best friend was awkward, because it wasn’t. At least, she was doing her best to make sure it wasn’t. But there was always that little nudge at the back of her mind, always trying to get her to work through whatever the fuck she was feeling, because it sure as hell wasn’t normal friendship shit.

She spent an inordinate amount of time trying to convince herself that nothing had changed, another round of denial in her life, but really, what was she going to do? Have feelings for JJ? Her best friend? And do what with that, exactly? Dig herself into a friendship ruining hole? Tell him? Hope he’d, in some fucking weird twist of fate, feel the same? The same JJ who’d never had an actual relationship and flirted with basically anyone, including her, even though with her it was always jokey?

Yeah, fuck that.

But that didn’t make this any less awkward in her mind. Last night had been a bit easier, despite the influx of grieving, but she’d been able to ignore that and just be with JJ without wanting to completely bury herself in a hole and never come out.

And there was also the fact that she told him she’d go to Yucátan with him, that she’d pretty much go anywhere with him, regardless of anything. Yeah, that wasn’t something they were skirting around lately. Well, she figured they’d be if she had completely just left that conversation in the back of her mind. 

And it was clear he’d more than likely taken it as a friendly yeah, I’m totally down for just fucking leaving my entire life to go somewhere with you thing considering he hadn’t brought it up once. Which was kind of shocking because while some people tended to write him off as an idiot, he was oddly perceptive when he needed to be. And yet somehow he hadn’t noticed her speech leaned more on the side of weird, cringey, cliche teen rom-com movie bullshit rather than friendship.

God, she hated her brain.

Leah let out another groan, deciding to take initiative to not be a complete fucking weirdo around JJ because fuck, they all needed to stick together now more than ever, and so she promptly chucked the pillow off of her.

Normal, she could do that. And then she truly focused on him as she turned onto her side again, picking up on how he’d fallen silent. The pencil was now held tightly between his fingers, a crease between his eyebrows that was born of pure concentration as he poked at the skin of his lower calf with the needle he’d fastened to the writing utensil.

Oh, great, he’d set up an impromptu tattoo parlor while she was sleeping, that wasn’t concerning at all. And — was he wearing fucking overalls?

Christ, of course he looked good in overalls. Just fucking spectacular. 

“Stare any harder and I’m gonna start charging you by the minute, Lee Lee.”

Leah’s eyes snapped up to meet his once again amused expression, not having noticed how her gaze had seemingly just zoned out at the sight of him. She could feel heat coursing up the back of her neck at the embarrassment at being caught, not even caring at the use of that god awful nickname 

“Nice overalls,” she told him, sarcasm all over her tone. Inside, she was cringing. Nice job, Leah, draw attention to another thing you don’t want to think about, fucking brilliant job, she thought to herself, but her mouth was already going again before she could just, y’know, shut the fuck up. “Is there a barn raising I don’t know about?”

JJ narrowed his eyes at her, playfully brandishing his pencil at her. “For all you know these overalls could have gotten me the best handy of my life once.”

She couldn’t help the laugh that escaped her, rolling her eyes at his cocky grin. “Please, no one gets laid wearing overalls. And what the fuck are you even doing right now?”

“Stick and poke,” JJ said matter-of-factly, raising his eyebrows before promptly sticking himself again as if to prove his point. He barely so much as hissed at the stab of needle, tugging his teeth between his lips for a moment as he focused back in on his work. “Kie showed me how to do it.”

“Please tell me you at least sterilized the needle.”

Not even looking up from his leg, he gestured the pencil in the direction of the table beside him. “What do you think the lighter is for?”

Sure enough, his light was discarded beside him. That didn’t do much to make her feel better, though, and she raised an eyebrow at him. “Considering it’s you? Anything from smoking a J to arson, probably.”

“Haha, real funny, Lee,” he deadpanned, rolling his eyes as he continued to stab at his skin. JJ was silent for a moment before asking, “Want one when I’m done?”

If you had told her she’d be waking up to her best friend wearing overalls and offering to give her a tattoo in John B’s living room, she probably would have just stayed asleep. She wasn’t really sure how to tell him she didn’t exactly trust him to stab her multiple times with a questionable looking needle ... and dear God, she didn’t even want to consider what he was possibly using as ink. So she opted to go for the slightly less scathing remark.

Leah sat up a bit, supporting herself on her elbows. “Do you have another needle?”

“Uh...” JJ paused, glancing around the table. “That’s a negative.”

“Then at the risk of getting an infection, I’m gonna pass.”

“I could just do the lighter thing again,” he offered.

Leah sighed, running a hand through her hair as she sat up fully, legs swinging to hang off the edge of the couch. “J, I’m gonna be honest, I don’t even know if I trust that you sterilized it right the first time.”

“Ye of little faith,” JJ cried out in offense, once again brandishing his pencil at her. He jokingly narrowed his eyes at her. “You’re wounding me here, Lee. Total lack of respect.”

“I’m sure your big ass ego will get over it,” Leah retorted, shaking her head at him with a laugh.

They lapsed into silence again, JJ continuing to prick his calf with a steady hand and an oddly intense air of concentration. Leah reverted back to just watching him quietly, resting her elbows on her knees and dropping her head into her waiting hands. This was probably the most still she’d ever seen him as long as she’d known him, bar when he was passed out asleep.

Compared to last night, the JJ she was seeing now was doing a pretty bang up job at holding it together. Or, at least, pretending that he was. They hadn’t said a whole ton last night, but Leah knew as well as she knew the sky was blue that JJ wasn’t doing okay. 

The open (and most likely empty) can of beer on the table beside him only solidified that thought.

She wanted to comment that giving yourself a tattoo after drinking was very much not recommended, a know-it-all tone ready to join the factoid on her tongue, but she wasn’t sure how many buttons she’d be able to push before it’d turn into an actual argument.

And fuck, if there was one person she didn’t want to be on the outs with any time soon, it was him.

So instead, she kept her mouth shut, letting her eyes trail across his furrowed brow and the tongue poking out from between his lips in thought. From where she sat, she couldn’t see what he was etching into his skin and while she wasn’t really supporting the impromptu DIY tat, the suspense was starting gnaw at her insides.

Before she even realized what she was doing, she was up and crossing the room. JJ didn’t even bother looking up as she approached him, his attention only being hooked when Leah pushed a few of the things on the table aside before boosting herself up to sit on it.

He looked between her and the table a few times, before a laugh escaped him. “Sure, just make yourself at home, why don’t ya? You’re lucky I’m done,” he told her, setting his pencil on a bit of the table not occupied by her.

She shrugged, taking the opportunity to look down at his skin. Turning her head to the side so that she was actually viewing the tattoo the right way, she couldn’t help but feel a tug in her chest once it clicked for her.

P4L was scribbled into the skin in JJ’s all too familiar handwriting, thin and somewhat crooked lines formed into a tiny brand of Pogue status. More than that, it was a sign of friendship, of family. In a world of haves and have nots, they had each other. 

A soft smile pulled at her lips, corners turning upward as she looked at it with an equally soft gaze. “It looks good.”

JJ flashed a weak smile. He cleared his throat and the words he spoke were joking, a clear shift for the conversation to go somewhere less somber, less intense. “You jealous you’re not a true Pogue, Lee?”

Leah’s brow knitted together in confusion. “Excuse me?”

“No tattoo, fake Pogue.”

“I don’t remember that in the Pogue friendship rulebook.”

“Just added it,” JJ shot back, a smug little look in his eyes.

She couldn’t help but snort. “Great, I’ll be sure to tell Pope about the new mandate so he can promptly shit his pants at the thought of getting a tattoo with a needle duct taped to a pencil.”

“Nah, Pope’s got guts,” JJ countered but all it took was one raised eyebrow from Leah for his statement to fold like a cheap suit. “Okay, yeah, he’d freak.”

“Ya think?” Leah asked with a laugh, her eyes bright with amusement. She took another glance at his new tattoo. “It really does look good, though. If I actually trusted you to permanently alter my body with a needle, I might’ve reconsidered.”

She expected JJ to scoff and go on another rant of how she was insulting his honor or something, but all she was met with was JJ staring intently at her, lost in thought as he mulled something over. That creeping feeling filled her chest as he looked her over and she had about nine thousand guesses for what could possibly be going through his head as she grew a bit nervous under his gaze.

None of those things were JJ going, “Got an idea,” while reaching around her for something on the table.

She watched on in quiet confusion as he retrieved a Sharpie from behind her, waving it around a bit like he’d just won a prize. There was a devilish grin on his lips as his eyes trailed over her before zeroing in on her arm. JJ didn’t bother with niceties as he pulled her arm from her lap, tugging it towards him and flipping it palm side up.

“What are you ... ?” Leah asked, trailing off as she let him all but manhandle her arm.

“Shh, genius at work,” he told her, pointing yet another writing utensil at her in a mock threat. He took her wrist in his hand, using the other one to push up the array of beaded and string bracelets crowding her arm. 

Pulling the Sharpie’s cap off with his teeth and spitting it out to the side, JJ’s brow furrowed in concentration as he put the marker to her skin, leaving black ink in his wake. Leah already knew what he’d be writing, but still she found herself watching intently as his chicken scratch scribbled across her skin, as if he’d suddenly depart from being sentimental and draw a dick on her arm or something.

He pulled back after a moment, gently rubbing his thumb just under his masterpiece, and he grinned at her, the first real smile she’d seen from him in days. It reached his eyes, the blue of them clear and bright and just ... happy. He looked happy, even if this exchange would only last for another few moments, and it made Leah’s heart do a funny little flip in her chest.

At the risk of making eye contact with her best friend for longer than necessary, the kind of extended look that would risk awkwardness and things Leah was far too sober to think about, she averted her gaze.

Written in what honestly looked like some of JJ’s best handwriting, P4L inked her skin, a small and semi permanent declaration of her Pogue status. A tiny laugh escaped her, a smile tugging at the corner of her lips as she looked it over.

“There, now we match,” JJ told her. 

She looked back up, eyes locking with his. Dimples showing, JJ was still giving her that smile, that goddamn smile that only ever worked to make hers grow wider. The same smile that had, as of late, made her feel slightly dizzy, like her once perfectly structured world had gone just a hair off-kilter and metamorphosed into something else. And it wasn’t helped by the fact that, though there was no reason for it, he was still holding onto her wrist, callused fingers hot against her skin.

Her heart did that funny little flip again, just once more with feeling. Leah out a breath, nodding just a bit. “Yeah, I guess we do.”

[sleepyystarfish-agere-blog]

~ The Secret ~

(Agere Short Story)

It happens so suddenly, you barely have time to think. Your bag, and its contents, spilled all over the floor. Your rival, as usual, finding even more ways to be a nuisance to you day by day.

You wouldn't care.

You wouldn't care, usually, and you don't, not until you see exactly what spilled out of your bag.

A pacifier (an adult pacifier) which you rush to pick up, hoping that against all odds, they hadn't seen it.

You think you got lucky because for a while, they don't say anything. Thank God. They must have missed it, you think.

But then one day, during an especially heated argument, the dreaded words slip out of their mouth.

"Tough words for someone who still uses a pacifier."

You stop dead in your tracks. The smirk quickly drops from their face as they see how absolutely livid you look and they realise that they probably went a little too far.

Completely overwhelmed, you decide your only option is to leave as quickly as possible.

"Wait, I'm-"

You don't let them finish. You rush to the nearest bathroom and try your best not to have a complete meltdown.

"Shit, shit, shit." Unknown to you, they're outside the door, cursing themselves for being so stupid. Maybe the two of you don't get along but this is clearly a sensitive subject for you and they'd never want to genuinely hurt you. Your constant fighting is supposed to be fun! It's jokey. Maybe slightly heated sometimes but nothing you can't get past. Now, though, they're afraid they've completely fucked that up.

After a few minutes, they gently knock on the door.

"(Name)? I'm, I'm sorry." They try. "Um, can I...come in?"

You don't say anything. You want to disappear. You curl up against yourself even harder.

They bite their lip, considering their options right now. They could leave, but then they would be worrying about you the rest of the day and would never stop feeling guilty if something happened to you.

They could stay by the door, but how long would that take? And they would still be worried, not knowing what's happening inside.

They decide they have to check on you, even if you'll hate them for it.

"Hey, I'm, um, coming in, okay?" They call, slowly opening the bathroom door.

You're sat against the wall, near the sink, with your knees tucked in. Your tear-stained face makes their chest ache with guilt.

"Hey..." They approach you cautiously, awkwardly. You've never seen each other like this. They're not sure how to talk to you when it's not an argument. "I'm...sorry. I should have never said that. It was awful and dumb."

They've sat down beside you now. They keep talking, apologising. "I get it if you don't want to talk to me again. I know I, uh, crossed a boundary and stuff. I really am-"

"I'm pathetic." You suddenly say. It's the first thing you've said since running to the bathroom.

"...what?" They're taken aback and a little confused. You should be angry at them right now. You should be shouting and cursing and saying I'll never forgive you and get out but instead you're saying-

"I'm dumb! And so stupid and useless and and-" you're crying now and heaving slightly.

They rush to your side and try to find the right words to say.

"W-what?" They laugh slightly - not in a mocking way. Your words have just caught them off guard.

You finally lift your head from where it was resting, tucked against your knees. You sniff and look at them with tear-filled eyes.

"I am." You say.

"You're not."

"Yes I am!"

They laugh again, more freely now but you maintain your frown and pouted lips.

Before you can speak again, they start to recount all the times you did something good, something right. All the times you knew something before they did and when you beat them again and again. Found loopholes. Devised the perfect strategy. Won against all odds.

"You did all that, didn't you?" They say at last.

"I guess."

"I guess." They mock playfully in that high-pitched tone that's supposed to sound like you, and you can't help but smile. "If you didn't, I might have to check myself into a mental hospital, because I remember it all quite clearly."

"Don't worry. You're right. I...I did do that." You're surprised by how much better you feel already. You're surprised that they have the capability to make you feel anything other than anger. A moment of comfortable silence passes between the two of you before they finally speak again.

"You know, you know it's fine, right?"

"What's fine?"

"Whatever...whatever this is about. I don't care. If it helps you, that's all that matters."

They're referring to your age regression, if they even know what that is. You're glad that they seem to be supportive either way.

"And I won't bring it up ever again, if you don't want me to."

"Thanks." One word isn't nearly enough to express your gratitude but there's not much else you can say or do. You look away, still embarassed by the fact that they know. This secret has felt so big and so dark for years but maybe...maybe it's not such a big deal. They don't seem to think so, anyways. And the relief of someone knowing yet staying makes your chest feel lighter than it ever has been.

They just nod. So simple and casual. Again, you realise they know, they know. But they're still here. And they couldn't care less. It doesn't change a thing.

"I'll get your stuff. You were going to walk home, right?"

"Mhm."

"I'll drive you."

"I-"

"I will. No objections."

They hold a hand out to you to help you stand and encourage you to wash your face in the sink. You let them grab your things. You let them lead you to the car and you let them drive you home, feeling light and small and safe all the way.

[aqvarius]

[REVIEW] Her Love in the Force: Shusuke Soma - Who I Once Was

Guys, I’m supposed to be dieting during this quarantine period but Voltage is keeping me FED with all this new amazing Soma content. 

HLITF fans, we have been blessed with amazing Soma content recently. Soma’s S3 Love’s Battlefield route was probably one of, if not the, most memorable HLITF routes I’ve ever played. I also adored his PoV despite it not covering all the moments that I personally wanted to read. (I understand disappointment over it, but I found that the bonus scenes they gave us made up for it, and it allows me to play with my own imagination a bit and potentially write up some fic for the scenes not in his PoV hehe.)

Like the manic Soma fan that I am, I had to IMMEDIATELY buy and read this route. I love him so much I am willing to do anything just to understand him even a little bit better. To my delight, I’m not even a little bit disappointed. And the route even made me spend 300 more coins to buy Goto’s Episode 0 so well done Voltage lol. 

I will summarise my thoughts on this story and then get into some more detail in the cut below. With that said, if you know Soma’s back story already, there isn’t much information to spoil. But I’ll leave some of the more surprising details under the cut.

This story shows us an unfamiliar Soma. This is a Soma that is far colder than even when we first meet him as a Special Instructor at the Academy. He battles with his conflict over his future and what he feels like his life’s purpose is, which is all sparked over his sister Kurume’s comment that she sees him as a hero. Throughout the route, he struggles with aimlessness and his futile attempts to investigate the metro gas attack even while doing his work in the Criminal Affairs/Investigations department, where he becomes the mentor for new recruits Ichiyanagi and Goto. That’s RIGHT, we finally get the Soma/Goto/Ichiyanagi Criminal Affairs dynamics that I have been waiting for years for ever since finding out that they all worked there together! (The only thing missing is Hayase but I guess he’s from a different timeline lol). 

This is something that makes the route super enjoyable to read because we get to see a Soma who isn’t as gentle and reticent as the one we know. He’s a bit colder, a bit harsher, and has less tolerance for antics. We also see Soma as a mentor before he became an instructor and it’s so cool to realise that Goto and Subaru are so capable partially because of the harsh but fair mentoring of Soma and the way that he’s not only drilled the fundamentals of police work into them but also supported them emotionally through the trials of losing a loved one. This route really helps you understand why Goto has so much trust and respect for Soma (and I’d like to see more Soma/Subaru interactions!) 

We also get to see Kurume for what I believe is the first time, which is incredible to be able to put a face to the name. I am such a sucker for big brother Shusuke and seeing more of his life with Kurume really adds depth to our understanding of his character and why/how losing him has made him lose perspective of his own life and identity. 

(I don’t know if I can explain in words how devastated seeing the two of them together made me feel...)

The route also gave some more insight into the Goto/Kazuki situation which was used really well to offset Soma’s own situation regarding vengeance and unresolved grief. We also get to see more of the relationship between Soma and Goto and how much Goto respects him as a senpai even though Goto transferred to Public Safety first (on the recommendation of a certain elite ;)). There are also some great Ishigami/Soma moments which I’ll elaborate on under the cut, as well as some things I discovered while cross referencing between this story and Goto’s Who I Once Was. 

I love that there’s a theme running throughout the story, which is about defining a hero. This is a crucial question which underpins Soma’s incessant yet pointless attempts to figure out his identity and purpose in life. I love that we begin to see him figuring out what being a hero means to him and that Goto’s own grief and slow road to recovery, and the way that he’s affected Goto’s life, is what sets him on this path towards figuring out where to go from here on out. This path is then what leads him to his MC, who we can see is someone who grabs him by the hand and pulls him ever forward. 

To put it briefly, this is a route you’ll enjoy if you love Team Ishigami. You get to see both Soma and Goto pre-trauma (you get to see a younger Goto than in his own episode 0), but then you see both of them forced to confront grief head-on, and then you can see how they both help each other to move forward in their own subtle ways. This story also showcases the best of Ishigami, a man who is collected and analytical but is always thinking of how he can help those around him who are hurt. Like how Ishigami and Kaga are saved by Namba, I would say that Soma saves Goto, then Goto returns the favour, and then Ishigami saves them both. 

Keep reading under the cut to see my further thoughts on Soma: Who I Once Was. I provide extra details about the story and provide some analysis on his relationships with his colleagues and his MC with lots of screenshots for evidence!

Okay so first off: Soma’s parents are ALIVE??? Why have we never met them?! You would think that they would come to Kurume’s grave on Soma’s birthday to see their children at least. For some reason I genuinely thought it was just him and Kurume but no it turns out that he’s had parents this whole time?! Either way, it’s so wonderful getting to see Soma’s home life from back when he was a teenager.

In the past, I’ve made joking comments about Soma being confused over familial and romantic love and wondering if he just cares for his MC like he cares for Kurume because how can you have sex with someone and then still wonder if you just care for them like a SISTER. But this story definitely helped me understand his mindset a bit better and why he sees similarities between his MC and his sister.

So I think we’ve discovered quite early on that Soma’s sister died on his 19th birthday. We also see scenes of them when Kurume is in high school and already having to fill out forms about her future. So she would be 15 at the very least while Shu would have been probably in his first year of uni? I think he’s mentioned that Kurume and his MC would be around the same age but I was really reminded of that in this route.

Honestly it devastated me to read that conversation because her future was just stripped away from her like that. And to see her get all excited about all the possibilities her future held just wrecked me emotionally. She was considering being a florist or a baker or a pharmacist. She would have been around the same age as the MC :’( To see Shu suggest that Kurume could consider studying agriculture made my heart ache because it made me think of how much care Soma puts into maintaining his plants and how much it means to him that his MC takes care of them for him when he can’t, especially because that’s what Kurume did. I also now believe that Soma is so invested in doing whatever it takes to guide his MC towards the best possible future for her because it’s his way of almost atoning for Kurume never being able to live out her dreams and future.

So rather than mistaking familial and romantic/sexual love, I think it’s rather that Soma sees his MC as symbolic of how his sister might have grown up. Rather than thinking of his MC as his sister, he wonders if he’s just fond of her because she’s similar to how she might have been, sort of like how you might make friends more easily with people that remind you of other friends or siblings/people close to you. That’s why he gets so confused when he feels more beyond just affection and can’t control his emotions, because he’s never felt love beyond just worrying and wanting the best for someone until his MC.

On a side note, Soma did a 4 year degree at a university before joining the police academy? What did he study?!?! I want to know!!!!!

I also love that we got to see Soma not really wanting to be a mentor. We get to see him at his most candid, and at a time in his life where he’s still figuring himself out and doesn’t have any goals except for getting to the bottom of the Crimson Wings case. So when he has to take two rambunctious young men under his wing, it’s so amusing to see how much they annoy him at first with their bickering. In the main stories, we only really get to see a bit of this when he deals with Kurosawa but when he does that, it’s kind of jokey and snarky but man Subaru and Goto really pissed him off at times LOL. Like I mentioned, we’ve only seen him as a seasoned instructor who goes out of his way to help you develop, but he is so reluctant to look after these kids at first. He calls them goons, the gruesome twosome, annoying, a pain in the ass… It’s so funny seeing this side of Soma.

I did think it was so cute that Subaru immediately jumped to calling him Shu and Goto was so polite and called him Soma-san but then somewhere down the line ended up calling him Shu as well (which is what he still calls him to this day. I would literally DIE to see some present-day Subaru/Soma interactions – will someone who’s played Goto’s Adversaries let me know if the two of them interact? Subaru is so alpha male especially now, I’d love to see him defer to Soma in the present day.) It was also so cute that they tried to throw him a birthday party (but also very tragic because his birthday is also the anniversary of Kurume’s death and none of them knew that).

I also loved seeing Soma’s response to Kazuki’s death and the way that Goto’s loss and Soma’s loss kind of play off each other. He knows how it feels to lose a loved one, he’s been dealing with the repercussions of it for at least around 5 years at this point with frankly very little progression. If Goto was not able to move forward because he was stuck in time, Soma is not able to move forward because he is lost. Goto’s grieving puts in in a static place where he can’t move, but Soma’s grieving has him constantly moving, but without direction. He’s haunted by Kurume’s words and even says as much: “I had no idea where I was supposed to go… I just let myself float along”. 

This is why Soma scolds him both in his own story and in Goto’s story, and it is Soma’s experience that allows him to guide Goto towards his growth. It’s also (at least partially) because of Soma that Goto ends up in Public Safety.

Ishigami approaches Soma for an evaluation of Goto, stating that “students raised by an elite teacher are elite themselves”. Soma’s evaluation sets the stage for Goto to eventually be able to confront his grief and develop as an undercover specialist through Ishigami’s guidance; Goto even calls him his “benefactor”. In Goto’s story, he says “It has to be him. The one who found me on the neon-lit street” and Goto then mentions a line about being blinded by revenge that I’m pretty certain is something that Soma said during their nighttime (and thus presumably neon-lit) back alley chat. So I’m not 100% certain who Goto has in mind but 95% he’s thinking about Soma, especially since he later thanks him for the transfer. 

 We know that Soma essentially helps Goto without trying because he’s confused when Goto calls him his benefactor. In evaluating Goto to Ishigami and cornering him in that dark alley, without even knowing it, Soma effectively helps to push Goto into facing his future – the two facets that Goto says makes someone a hero. 

We also discover that Soma is recruited to Public Safety through a recommendation by Goto, who is presumably “the elite who nominated” him.  I love that if Soma pushes the frozen-in-time Goto into moving forward, Goto helps the lost Soma begin to find some direction.  

For years, Soma has been chasing this elusive concept of “being a hero” without even knowing what that means, which is why he never gets closer to fulfilment, because he doesn’t know what it’s supposed to be like to “feel like a hero”. No matter what he himself does, he is never able to see himself as a hero either because he couldn’t prevent the death of the one person he wanted to save. I will say probably that the thing that first changed Soma into making him feel like he has more sense of purpose in becoming one step closer to the “hero” that Kurume said he was is that Goto basically called him his hero. I think it’s so special because here we can really see the links drawn between Goto’s life, Soma’s life, and the narrative theme of being a “hero”.

Something that I thought was missing was how Goto (and potentially Subaru?) finds out about Soma’s past. We never see him tell him about it, but I wonder if that’s the reason why he nominates Soma to join Public Safety? We know that Ishigami knows about it, but I think Goto would probably have found out through Soma himself?

On another note, I actually wondered why Soma, Goto and Kurosawa all have fairly similar strategies and strengths as detectives while Kaga and Shinonome have more specific specialties. Now I realise it’s because Goto trained under Soma, and Kurosawa trained under both Goto and Soma.

These two routes made me realise that Goto needed Soma, Soma needed Goto, and they both needed Ishigami and Public Safety in order to be able to keep walking forward without being trapped in neverending grief. I just need to talk for a little bit about how incredible Ishigami is. Ishigami’s judgement in picking his team is amazing. The fact that he finds these people who have personal vendettas who are working covertly and independently to achieve vengeance and then sees how they evaluate each other shows that he is actively building a team that respects each other and work well together. He sees that they have the skills for Public Safety work but also that they have personal issues that Public Safety can help them deal with, and then he does everything he can to help them attain their peace. Ishigami is unbelievably supportive. He works quietly and diligently within the system to get his subordinates to where they need to be and I LOVE THAT SO MUCH.

Okay with all this said, I cross referenced between Goto’s Episode 0 and Soma’s Episode 0 and found some timeline discrepancies? Right after Kazuki’s death, we know Goto spends a while completely depressed until Subaru drags him up to go to Kazuki’s funeral. Then after her funeral, he becomes obsessed with working independently to try to avenge her death. This goes on for long enough (weeks) that Soma has to corner him in a back alley to lecture him (which by the way happens surprisingly often with Soma lol). Goto transfers to Public Safety soon after Kazuki’s funeral. We know this because he transfers and we see him start doing work for Ishigami but when he goes to see her grave and Subaru says that he’s transferring to SP department, this happens on the monthiversary of Kazuki’s death (not even her funeral). Then, it says that Soma transfers to Public Safety a few weeks after Goto’s transfer (meaning it would have happened within a couple months at most after Kazuki’s death).

In Soma’s route, we know that he goes to see Goto a few weeks after Iijima (Kazuki)’s funeral with the bananas. This occurs while Goto is still at Criminal Affairs because Soma references “the other day” when Soma lectures him about his personal life getting in the way of his job. I’m assuming this happens after the back alley lecture when Goto has returned to normal life for that one week before he gets called to transfer to Public Safety. However, later Soma, still working in Criminal Affairs, says “Years have passed, but the one responsible for [Kazuki’s] case wasn’t caught”. This suggests that Soma was still at Criminal Affairs for years after Goto’s transfer to Public Safety rather than weeks? So what’s the TRUTH?

I also just briefly want to gush about how much I love the CG. We see those typical important Soma elements (his hair and the bonsai) but I just love the look on his face. I mean he looks impossibly handsome, but he looks so serious and determined while at the same time still lacking the warmth that we see in later CGs that he only develops after meeting his MC. Am I reading too much into this? Maybe, but let me PRETEND. 

Finally, I want to end my thoughts on how this relates to his relationship with his MC. Soma says that she’s helped him to face the future. As I previously discussed, I genuinely believe that part of this is because his MC lets him see glimpses of what Kurume could have been. Soma is attracted to her brightness, her bravery, her diligence, her conviction and her optimism. (He also starts enjoying everyday life with her when they pose as a married couple and let’s not forget that he does find her physically attractive even before he falls in love/realises he’s in love lol). But more significantly, I feel like this is because of how important he is to her.

Soma has previously said that he doesn’t trust Public Safety, but for some reason they seem to trust him. This reveals that he’s not sure of what his value is to his department or to his colleagues. While he has moved forward, he’s still working towards being that “someone who pushes you to face the future” and “helps people without trying”. Even though Goto basically implies that Soma is the one who has helped him face his future, Soma sort of interrupts so he doesn’t explicitly voice it. However, when his MC confesses how important he is to her with that unwavering conviction of hers, I believe in that moment he suddenly realises his own worth. His MC, who in some ways is a vicarious symbol of Kurume’s potential, helps him see that he has already been a “hero” to those he has saved through his Public Safety work and to his colleagues. This, combined with her trust in his colleagues and them actually coming to the rescue, is what makes Soma able to trust his colleagues. Because he finally knows his own worth, he can finally see how significant he is to his colleagues and how far they would go for him. I think this is also what makes him believe in Public Safety as an institution. For years, he’s been unable to trust or forgive Public Safety because of what happened to Kurume, but now he can finally see that they as an institution have actually helped people and saved people’s lives, and this is partially due to his own involvement.

Finally, the last facet of his relationship with his MC that I want to talk about is how mutually important their relationship is. I’ve already discussed how his MC sees him as a hero by those guidelines that Goto helped him set down, but by those same guidelines, his MC is also his hero. I mean first off, he first became conscious of her as a woman when she gave a ridiculous display of bravery. But more importantly, if a hero is someone who helps people without trying and someone who pushes you to face the future, she has done both of those for him. He says so himself: “With her, I think I can focus on the future and moving forward”. And she has helped him just by being herself. This theme really comes to a head when she literally throws away her own future to help him finally get closure. When he decides to cut his hair, he says this:

“I’ll make the cut, draw the distinction between the past and the future, because I love them both.

I have to let go of what I’ve lost and look to what I can still gain.”

He learns this because of her.

Soma: Who I Once Was is an incredible story that really helped me to understand my favourite character’s psyche, history and relationships just a little bit more. For that, I’m so thrilled and so grateful. I’m so pleased at the quality of this content and all the insight it provides, and I’m excited to see how Soma and his relationships continue to grow and develop in the future.

[cannot-decide-on-a-fandom]

I understand that it’s currently (well, it has been for a while, but still) fun and cool to make fun of Supernatural and treat it as if it was always just a stupid, mediocre at best show, but the reason why the entire thing going on with it sucks is that it really wasn’t.

I’m not saying it hasn’t done the things people are saying, like killing off every LGBT character and the one important disabled character over, at the time, 12 seasons (well, apart from Bobby, but he got cured, which is a whole other can of worms), had little diversity in terms of people of colour, because it has, and while I don’t think it’s inherently bad to kill minority characters, when you kill/mistreat all of them, that’s very different to “this one character died and he was gay”. I’m in no way denying the problematic writing of the show, and yeah, feel free to call the shitty writing in that aspect. Because that is shitty.

But Supernatural actually did have a lot to love. (this turned out longer than I expected, so I’ll put it under the cut, but please read it if at all interested, because I am curious what other people think. Also, this is based off of what I’ve seen, so our views of reactions might be a little different)

There are no finale spoilers in this, apart from “it was bad”

In terms of characters, I still love Cas with my entire heart, he is generally a well written and fascinating character (not flawlessly written, obviously, but still interestingly), and has a really cool opening role, season 4 still being among my favourites of the show. The characters were incredibly flawed which is actually a really cool thing to see because perfect characters take me out of the story, Sam and Dean were generally good protagonists to follow, I love Crowley and Jack, 2 of the other characters who were at some point listed as lead cast members, I didn’t even have the hate regarding Bela’s character or Ruby’s, there are some really interesting side and recurring characters too (Charlie, Kevin, Jo, Ellen, Bobby-all dead admittedly, which is definitely the frustrating and irritating thing), and they’re likable while still feeling relatively grounded, a surprise in a show about the supernatural.

As for the plot, I’m not gonna act like there were not bad storylines or badly executed ones. I don’t hate season 7 as much as others do, season 8 is my personal least favourite, but that entire season felt like filler for most of it, and to be honest I barely recall any episodes from s7. Plus the villains were probably the weakest (not strength wise, but writing wise) of the entire run. But every season up to season 5 had so much to care about and love, and while for me seasons 6-8 were not great, seasons 9-11 are all some of my most loved hours of TV (which I know is controversial, as people are so quick to say everything went bad after season 5, but I disagree with that too). Yes, the stakes may have escalated way too far and saying stuff like “ooh, God’s sister is the enemy” can seem ridiculous, I never once felt that they lacked heart and lacked a genuine desire to create. It really felt to me as if the people working on the show really did care and wanted to create and tell their stories.

The one off, meta, and special episodes are really fun and Supernatural has kind of become known for them. Things like Changing Channels, The French Mistake, Baby, Stuck in the Middle (With You) are all interesting concepts to apply to the show and whether you like all of them or not I think being able to have some unique or cool things up their sleeves even after a decade deserves props for at least trying (also, writing this now, I have a strong temptation to rewatch 12x12)

And one thing that I still genuinely commend Supernatural for (again, not that they did it perfectly, but I didn’t sense any malice from it) is that the show has encouraged its fans to explore what they want in their own writing and supported them in that. Some people may hate the meta stories, and that’s perfectly fine. But episodes like Fan Fiction were used as a thank you and an ode to the fans, not as a way to mock their interpretations. Dean explicitly says that his interpretation of the stories is not any less valuable than anybody else’s. The Real Ghostbusters did have Sam and Dean shocked at there being a Supernatural convention, but it was because anyone would be uncomfortable if their lives had cons around them, it wasn’t treated as if it was just wrong to be interested and love stories. I understand the issues with Becky’s character and yes, she was not a great example of a fan and I wish it wasn’t done in that way (especially one particular episode, which the show, ever so slightly to their credit, addressed in season 15), but I think that for the most part, the cast and crew recognise how much interpreting the story in your own way matters.

Supernatural wasn’t a shitty TV show that never deserved the success it had, it’s a show that was full of lovable characters, interesting concepts, some actually really good lines (even though it became most known for the memey, jokey lines like “I lost my shoe” I will die on the hill that there were so many thoughtful, deep, interesting lines of dialogue in the show. I am tempted to rewatch the show and make a list honestly because a lot of them I recall really stuck with me for a while and there were actual lessons, believe it or not, in them), actors doing their absolute best and mostly succeeding, a show that tried to do things outwith or a twist on their base genre, and over all a show with a lot of good in it.

The reason the way the season went is so frustrating is specifically because it wasn’t as bad as people like to claim. If it was always bad, yeah, people might be disappointed, but it wouldn’t be as big of a deal if it always sucked. It’s upsetting because throughout most of its run, Supernatural has shown that it is capable of creating interesting, enjoyable, emotional stories, and it’s show it can have interest, enjoyable, and emotional finales.

Of course it really fucked up with its representation throughout the whole show, nobody is denying that, and good. #TheySilencedYou/Us is important. It should exist, because it’s ridiculous how some of their characters were treated. They literally brought Eileen back for 30 seconds one time specifically to kill her, and that really annoyed me, among many other instances. But Supernatural did have a lot to love and a lot to care about, which is exactly why it pisses me, even as someone who hasn’t watched the show in years until this year, off that they threw away 15 years of character arcs, story writing, and 15 years of the positive things the show gave us to create a finale where it’s clear they did not give a crap as to what the fans or even their own cast members would be happy with.

So no, I don’t think Supernatural is a crappy show with bad writing that did not deserve to survive as long as it did. I think Supernatural had heart and love and passion put into it and through 15 years some stories were halfbaked and haphazard but it wasn’t just a bad program. Which is why what happened to it can fuck off, and why I feel bad for the fans, and also cast members who are dealing with a) letting go of their characters in a way that they’re unhappy with (eg-Jensen) and b) dealing with the backlash directed at them when they really aren’t the ones who should be dealing with the problems, because the writers should have known better (Misha)

(One last thing, I’m aware most fans aren’t cruel to the cast, this is a vocal minority, it doesn’t mean I don’t still feel bad for them)

[jupitermelichios]

So I decided to rewatch Suicide Squad and I have some thoughts...

This isn’t really a review so much as it’s just a series of thoughts and impressions. I will say that while it’s still one of the worst made films I’ve ever seen, it’s never boring, which is by far the biggest sin a film can commit. It’s bullshit but it’s consistently interesting bullshit which makes it better than something like Fant4stic, which is as bad and incoherant but also just incredibly dull. I don’t think this could ever have been a good film, there was too much massively wrong with it before shooting even started to have been salvagable, but I do think it could have been a lot more coherant if it hadn’t been for the reshoots, re-edits, re-edits of re-edits and all the the other stuff that happened to it post production. Unlike something like BvS, I get why some people liked this one.

On that note, while I am going to end on a few possitives this basically a roast so if you don’t want to read about a film getting picked apart, this probably won’t be your jam. But if like me you find critiques of bad movies cathartic, read on. I’m not the first person to do this, but I’ve spotted some stuff I haven’t seen anyone else talk about so hopefully there’ll be something new for you.

All the dialogue is just slightly off in a way that’s hard to pin down, in the way that a lot of comprehensible stuff written by computers and neural networks is just slightly off. It’s got that phishing email or pornbot quality to it. Literally the fourth or fifth line in the film is Griggs saying about the prison rations, “...Everything a growing young man needs like you”, which isn’t nonsense, but is clearly wrong, and a lot of the lines have that quality to them.

In a similar vein, Deadshot’s daughter is written like she’s five or six, but the actress looks about twelve. I actually went and checked how old she was when this released, because I know white people are often wildly bad at judging the ages of black kids and I’m bad at judging ages in general, but no, she was 12 or 13 when this was shot, so why’s she written like a toddler? She doesn’t give a good performance (which is not the actresses fault, Will Smith barely gives a good performance in this and he can do this shit in his sleep, there’s no way a kid could have risen above the terrible script and direction) which makes it even worse, because you’ve got this pre-teen delivering dialogue written for a kindergardener in a way that feel like it’s maybe the first time she’s ever seen the script, and it makes what is otherwise one of the most competant scenes in the movie feel just as off as everything else.

The Joker. A lot of people have written a lot about Leto’s Joker but I want to add two things to the discussion I haven’t seen talked about much before. Firstly, before the electro-shock torture and acid bath, he and Harley have no romance. Like, explicitly, there is no romance, or even cammeraderie there. He’s her patient. She’s his jailer. He didn’t seduce her, he just tortured her until she gave in. That’s literally shown in the film. Even after the torture when she’s now on side he still really doesn’t like her, and not in a Paul Dini BTAS he doesn’t like her but he also wants her around kind of way. He doesn’t want her in his life. He orders her to leave him alone and she fucking stalks him. That’s not even subtext, she is specifically his stalker, because apparently the solution to the relationship being abusive was to retconn Harley into also being a creep as though that somehow solves something.

Secondly, Joker isn’t smart. Not only is he no longer emotionally intelligent (and comics Joker is many terrible things but he’s probably the most emotionally intelligent character in DC, that’s a lot of what makes him so dangerous because it’s how he manipulates people) he’s not intelligent full stop. His great plan for breaking out of Arkham? Some of his goons from the outside literally just shoot their way in to get to him. Even leaving aside the fact that Arkham apparently isn’t set up to deal with that kind of violence in this world despite Batman having been opperating for a decade, that’s not a clever plan, and it’s not Joker’s plan. 'Hope some of my dudes are loyal enough to come get me’ isn’t any kind of escape plan, and nothing we see after that point suggests that this was a moment of weakness. Joker just straight up isn’t very bright in this, which is weird because that’s one of the few genuinely consistent character traits he has. He’s no Riddler, sure, but he’s really smart and that makes him hard to contain.

Ayer made Harley functionally a sex worker in this, and it doesn’t actually matter that there’s absolutely nothing wrong with sex work or that sex work is real work, because David Ayer definitely thinks there is, and also really really hates women. David Ayer hates women so goddamn much. The only thing Slipknot does in the entire film apart from die is hit a woman just for being a woman.

When Waller arrives at Belle Reve, Croc is doing push ups. And that’s fine, it’s a classic movie shorthand for ‘bored prisoner is also fit and strong’, but the actor isn’t actually doing pushups. He’s got one knee tucked under his body to support his weight, and is clearly actually just sort of bobbing his head. What I suspect happened is that the prosthetics on his arms and chest were too heavy to allow that kind of movement, which would tie up with the stiff way he holds his arms throughout the film, but he’s not even bothering to pretend very hard and it adds to this pervading sense of off-kilter wrongness the film has.

Rick Flagg is supposed to be ‘the best special forces opperative this country has’, but he’s... really bad? He’s no use in any of the fights, he’s incapable of working with a team and has zero interpersonal skills, and when he’s assigned to be a bodyguard, he immediately starts fucking his client which is like, bodyguarding rule 1. He’s really bad at his job. (Which would be fine if the explanation was that he’s a fucking psychopath who’s 100% willing to just murder a civilian in the line of duty, but he’s meant to be Hannibal Smith more than Dirty Harry, and also if he is here because he’s a psychopath, why did Amanda Waller assume June Moon would be into that?!) He even has to be blackmailed into joining the opperation, so he’s incompetent, unprofessional, causes unecessary conflict, and isn’t even loyal to the project, so why him and not, I don’t know, literally any other character?

On the subject of June Moon, she goes (alone) on an archeological dig in a rainforest somewhere, finds a cave full of human remains and ancient artefacts, and literally her first action is to deliberately smash one of the artefacts, presumably just to see what would happen? IDK! We never get any explanation for that, but it’s definitely meant to be deliberate and not accidental when she smashes it! Why are archeologists in movies all so terrible?!

People have joked a lot about the fact that the movie changes the purpose of the squad from ‘plausibly deniable black ops, especially on American soil’, to ‘punching Superman’ but kept Captain Boomerang on the team, but there is actually an explanation given. A really really stupid explanation. Amanda Waller says that he’s there because ‘he faced down a metahuman and survived’, referring to him surviving being arrested. By the Flash. Who is famously non violent, and in fact in the next film in the series specifically says he’s never fought someone. So Boomer is on the team because he didn’t die when Flash picked him up and carried him to a police station, and Amanda Waller thinks that’s some kind of achievement. Like that isn’t the case for literally everyone the Flash has ever caught. And Flash is a street level hero, so that’s a whole lot of muggers and purse snatchers who are apparently capable of fist fighting Superman by Waller’s logic.

(On the same note as the Joker, Waller is also now incredibly stupid, but she’s mostly stupid for plot related reasons, so it sort of gets a pass? It gets more of a pass than the Joker at least, because making him comics-smart wouldn’t have necessatitated changing anything else about the film)

Re: Waller’s stupidity, her whole plan for recruiting El Diablo to the squad is... show him a video of him setting fire to some dudes. That’s it. She doesn’t even speak to him, she literally just holds up the video to the little window in his tank and seems surprised when that by itself isn’t enough.

And then when Flagg is like ‘hey let me try persuading him with actual arguments instead of just a weird video’, Diablo’s response is “You think you’re the first person to ask? I won’t do it. I’m a man not a weapon”, which gives us the amazing insight that in Ayer’s version of the DCU, there are apparently just... other Taskforce Xs running around. Other government agencies recruiting metahuman soldiers. So what exactly was the point of the half an hour or so of footage of her persuading the brass to go along with it? Because apparently they’re fine with this if every agency is doing it!

Tone? What even is tone. Griggs both has an antagonist but banter-y relationship with and brings cookies to the prisoners, but also he tortures them and is implied to be sexually abusing Harley, and like... you can’t have it both ways, Ayer. This is a one or the other situation. They can’t have a fun and jokey relationship with a man who is explicitly torturing and abusing them. Tone. You need to pick a fucking tone!

The decision to add a subplot about Deadshot being involved in a custody battle with his ex-wife was a fascinatingly terrible choice, and honestly tells you a lot about Ayer’s relationship to MRA talking points. Like, we know nothing about Deadshot’s wife except that she raised a cute well adjusted kid, so probably a pretty good parent, and that she doesn’t want her daughter to be spending time with a MASS MURDERER! So definitely a good parent! The comics just kind of handwave away Zoe’s mom most of the time, which was the right choice, because Ayer wants us to be on Deadshot’s side here, but it’s literally a choice between "a serial killer but you take credit cards” and a normal loving parent and somehow he thinks serial killer is the right answer? WTF happened in Ayer’s life that he thinks this is a choice where we side with Deadshot?! And it’s not even visitation rights or anything, Deadshot wants full custody. And the film thinks he’s in the right!

Not once, at any job I have ever had, one of which was a tourist attraction that required all visitors to wear a pass, have I ever seen someone wear a visitors pass on their sleeve. Not once. And it’s honestly such a good summary of the pervading wrongness of this film. This doesn’t feel like it was made by people. It feels like it was made by middlingly intelligent algorithms trying to pass as human.

Someone please tell me what the fuck any of this set is supposed to mean. The pose feels deliberate, but it’s not invoking anything I can see except the hanged man from the Ryder-Waite tarot deck, the halo of knives almost looks like it’s pseudo-religious imagery except that it’s not a full halo, the circle is incomplete on one side because of a broken piano, does the piano mean something? What about the babygrows, do they mean something? Does the Joker... want kids? Kill kids? Think Harley’s pregant? What the hell is any of this supposed to mean, and if, as I suspect, it was never supposed to mean anything why the fuck did they go to the trouble of making it?! What exactly does the hours this took to put together add to the movie?

David Ayer has a really weird relationship with both gang culture and latino gang culture specifically. He always feels the need to shoehorn them in somehow, and it’s this weird love-hate relationship where he apparently thinks latino gangs are so cool they have to be in everything, but is also so fucking racist he’s incapable of having a latino character who isn’t in a gang. Also in order to shoehorn them in here, he basically removed all of Joker’s henchmen (except for one scene which serves no narrative purpose) and replaced when with generic racist-stereotype LA gangs.

The fact that Griggs just hands Harley the phone in front of all the other guards and soliders was A Choice. Made even more so by the fact that Griggs never actually pay off. He gives Harley the phone, she tells him he’s “so screwed now”, and then... nothing. He’s just gone for the rest of the movie. He’s not even in the epilogue back in prison scenes.

I fucking love that the first thing Waller does is tell the world’s best assassin her real name. That is just... *chefs kiss* Everyone in this film is so fucking stupid.

I knew it was coming. I knew it was coming and I remembered the line perfectly, and I still had to stop the film because I was laughing too hard for “Ah would advise naht gettin’ killed by her, her sword traps the souls of its victims”. It’s the ‘that wizard came from the moon’ of film dialogue, and no one could have made it work, but the southern accent is really what makes that line delivery. I don’t know why, there’s just something about it in that drawl that it just endlessly hilarious.

It really is impressive how every character in this manages to be an offensive stereotype, sometimes multiple offensive stereotypes at once.

I love how Flagg’s right-hand woman is a samurai with a magical possessed sword that traps the souls of the damned who also isn’t military and refuses to speak English most of the time, but the squad are too weird for him. “You won’t believe it, this guy Boomerage, he’s got these bent stick things, and when he throws them they come back! I am freaking out, I can’t deal with this. Oh hi Katana, trap any damned souls lately?”

Harley is explicitly malicious in this in a way no other version of Harley has ever been, which is a Freudian nightmare when you combine it with her also being more sexualised than ever, and more infantalised than any version outside the Arkham games. Someone get Ayer a goddamn therapist. (Also in the vein of everyone being dumb in this, Harley is now an absolutely terrible psychiatrist and all her diagnoses are explicitly wrong, so that’s fun.)

The fucking pink unicorn-bundle of money switcheroo. There’s nothing to say on it that hasn’t already been said but holy shit. How do you fuck something up that bad? How? It’s like looking into Chekov’s nightmares and finding a pink stuffed unicorn staring back.

I love the way the soliders just come and go in this. Are they dead, are they alive, have they abandonned the cause? Why the fuck knows? Certainly not the editors!

I love how we’re supposed to be really sad about El Diablo being dead, but not care that Croc is seemingly directly underneath the explosion and definitely about to die, that’s fun.

I need to know if it was Ayer or Cara Delavigne’s choice to make Enchantress be just.. doing a little dance. Duing all the ‘tense’ moments. Because there are probably things which undercut tension more than the bad guy having a bit of boogy, but not many.

Enchantress gets so many costume changes, and I want to believe that they’re all from different versions of the film but I honestly think it was deliberate and I need someone on in the design department for this movie to tell me why because it add nothing.

I think the best thing about the stupidly on the nose liscenced soundtrack is that it just disappears once they arrive in Midway city. After spirit in the sky it’s original music all the way until the final scene. The great soundtrack DC stans insist this film has is literally only in the first 50 minutes and the last 2 of a 2hr+ movie.

The glorification of abuse in this is... seriously fucking something else. Twilight doesn’t have a patch on this. 50 Shades of Grey doesn’t have a patch on this. This shit is disgusting, and the fact that they pushed so hard to get it a child friendly rating is just morally bankrupt.

Possitive note to end on:

The dialogue is way too on the nose and exposition dump-y but the scene in the bar works pretty well. It fulfils its role in the story, and gives us a decent dose of team bonding.

Deadshot and Harley have great chemistry, and Boomer is perfectly cast, in a way that makes me really hopeful for James Gunn’s take on the team. A writer who knows how to write friendships could do a lot with the three of them, and they’ve been the core squad since 2011 so they’re the ones who matter. It probably helps that whatever Will Smith’s faults as an actor, you could cast him opposite a housebrick and they’d somehow have great chemistry.

[fics-not-tragedies]

In a Week: Chapter 9 🌲

It’s chapter 9 already, but it’s still much more to unwind when it comes to this story. Also I’m glad that I have like two readers, it’s still worth going on for them.

Words:  2702; Warnings: none, unless you want another warning for smoking and drinking alcohol, then you have it; Summary: Andrew encourages Flo to do something she’s never done before.

Hozier tag list:

@letoursilencebreaktonight​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​; @angelpeachamber​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​; @sgt-morgan​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​; @julessbrown​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​;

Monday, 1:55pm

He steered her through the lobby and through the bar to the paved garden area they stood in last night. Past the double doors, it was really hot now and she regretted not wearing something thinner now. It was even quieter than it had been the last time, the early afternoon calling people for late lunch instead. Flo and Andy headed into a secluded corner surrounded by evergreen bushes.

“Are you sure you want to? I don’t want to, em, force you into anything” he mumbled almost incoherently as they stopped moving.

“One…” she nodded, holding up one finger confidently, trying to show him she wanted this, “just one.”

He nodded back without further prompt, fumbling in his shirt pocket for the cigarettes he stashed there, pulling out the green Marlboro like a practiced move, his fingers wrapping around the packet as he flicked it open. He fished one out for her and held it for her to take and she did, her deep black nail polish catching his eye as she placed it between her own lips. He had to stop staring at those lips.

“Am I corrupting you, Miss Hayes?” He chuckled, bringing his lighter dramatically close to them, shielding the flame from the non-existing wind and watching it light. She looked at him long and hard for a moment, holding the cigarette in her mouth, examining his chiseled features and the crinkles around his eyes, how smooth and sheen his skin was. Andrew knew she was staring, figured that she got lost in her thoughts again, decided that she wasn’t going to reply, and then…

“I think you’ve already done that, Andrew.”

He placed a cigarette between his own lips as he watched her expression change, clearly focused on what she was supposed to do and she took that first drag, well aware of his eyes on her. It felt different that she expected, her face pulling into a twisted combination of shock and distaste as the smoke filled her lungs and she couldn’t help but cough and splutter as it worked its way back out.

“Tastes like wooden shit, doesn’t it?” He laughed, lighting his own with ease, trying to remember his first.

“I don’t know - why you do it” she replied, still sputtering a little midway through her sentence.

“Well mostly because I,em, know what to do with my hands when I smoke.”

“Oh, really?” She replied, taking another short drag, as he wiggled his eyebrows.

“I’m, em, quite lost without my guitar” he added.

“You don’t look lost right now.”

“Because I’m with you…”

Flo rolled her eyes at him mockingly. She focused on taking her next drag without coughing her lungs up.

Andrew inhaled deeply, letting the thickness fill his lungs, held it there for a second then let it disappear again as he parted his lips, grey lines drifting away from him and up towards the sky. She knew she shouldn’t have found it hot, that it was stupid to find the way he inhaled and exhaled the smoke so attractive, but somehow Andrew made everything look too good. His face was so still and calm, his jaw stretching as he looked up at the sky with those inquisitive eyes. He made her want him so effortlessly, his continual battle between maturity and childishness too much to process. She tried to copy him, a stifled giggle fighting to break free when the smoke did, but she felt useless, knew it was stupid trying to act like she didn’t hate it. She coughed again and he smiled reassuringly. Flo looked away, trying to focus on anything, but Andrew.

“Well, smoking isn’t fun” she decided firmly, flicking the ash away from them, a little disappointed that she just failed to make it look good.

Andrew thought differently. He couldn’t help but want her now, was transfixed on how stunning she looked with one of his cigarettes between her lips, how her eyes went wide at every drag and she pulled an adorable face every time to hide how disgusting she found it.

“It’s fun watching you struggle with it” he replied after a moment, a jokey tone to his voice.

“Hey!” She laughed, swatting his arm lightly.

Her cheeks were rosy from the heat and she kept rolling her jumper’s sleeves upwards. Andrew wished it was cold, so he could give her his flannel again - he wanted her. He wanted to hold her against his chest in absolute silence as he finished his cigarette, rake his fingers through her hair and feel her deep breathing on his skin, without any worry of the damage it would do. The whole time they already spend together felt like a nervous bomb waiting to detonate and every move they made was agonizing. Andrew knew Flo was scared of one of them taking it too far. He knew she needed the illusion of the perfect week between two perfect strangers. But it was killing him.

“Do you think you’ll ever quit?” She asked in a quiet moment, catching him a little off guard, trying to blow her smoke as effortlessly as he was. He paused for a moment, flicking the ash that had gathered and considered his answer for longer than seemed possible, scrunching his eyes then opening them wide in thought.

“I, em, I never smoke around my dog, nor in large groups of people… I would, em, stop if I’d ever had a kid, probably” he mumbled as he ran a hand through his hair nervously, though he seemed to instantly regret it, not used to sharing so much of his future plans. Flo nodded knowingly, tried to meet his eye, but she could tell he was avoiding hers for a reason. She was conflicted about asking more or giving up, not wanting him to close up on her again.

“So you want kids?” She pushed, finally. Andrew let the cigarette dangle between his lips for a while before lifting it between his thumb and a finger, like he had an idea.

“It sounds more like a tenth date question, don’t you think?”

“Wait - who said we were on a date?”

“Nobody” he smirked.

He enjoyed how instantly annoyed her face was, how she clicked her tongue in irritation and turned away from him, trying not to show how secretly entertained she was by his wit. It was too much for his ego and he grinned like an idiot, stepping closer to her when he started speaking again, softer.

“Yeah, I want kids” he admitted. Flo turned back to him, alarmed to find him so close and smiled, her makeup-less face all shiny and slightly freckled.

“I think you’d be a great Dad, you know?” She sighed, unafraid of admitting it, like she had already thought it through at least once, “Teaching them things. Telling them stories. Running around with tiny Andrew doubles…”

“Well then…” he began, with a half-suppressed laugh, “I guess that I should give up smoking soon, so I’d still have the chance to keep up with them.”

Flo was about to ask him something else, sensing her small window of opportunity already closing but he was there first, the question hitting her hard.

“Do you want to be a Mum?”

“Not right now…” she laughed quickly, her fingers dancing around a strand of her her hair as she tried to enjoy the drags of her first and probably last cigarette ever, “perhaps one day. Need to work out how to handle myself first.”

There was a moment of silence, thick, like she said something wrong and she tried to retrace her steps. But before she could ask Andrew was mumbling again.

“You just don’t give yourself enough credit.”

“What do you mean?” she replied, taken back by his abrupt forwardness.

“You’re a beautiful woman, capable of making equally beautiful things” he decided confidently. Flo watched his lips twitch as he formed the words.

“That’s really sweet,” she admitted after a lengthy pause, moving a little closer to him without thinking, her heart beating illogically faster at his burst of honesty. He wrinkled his nose as he turned his head away from her.

“I can be” he chuckled, scared to look too long into her emerald eyes in case he couldn’t hold back any longer, “also I think, em, you’re too harsh on yourself. You’re spectacular.”

The words hung there like a clumsily, visible admission of adoration and though Flo couldn’t quite find the words back to explain how much they meant to her, he knew he would get through to her somehow.

“Thank you, Andy” she whispered.

Monday, 2:10pm

Andrew took his last drag, enjoying the final hit of nicotine and then crushed it into the ashtray on the little patio table next to him. Flo followed suit, with her finger and thumb, reminding herself to book a manicure whenever she found the time. She coughed once more, her cheeks puffed out and sighed in frustration.

“So… first cigarette ever…” he mumbled as they hurried back inside to the bar, desperate to be in the room with AC, too hot to be out there longer than necessary.

“Indeed.”

“Thoughts?”

“Last cigarette ever…” she said, firmly, pulling the door behind her. Andrew laughed, heartily, leaning against the wall, “ and I didn’t look very cool” she huffed, crossing her arms and furrowing her brow.

“You always look cool. Effortlessly cool, Flo” he nudged her elbow with his and she rolled her eyes again in response. Andrew loved how predictable that was.

“If you weren’t happy with this one you can, em, have another turn, just, em, pick another thing.”

Flo scrunched her face up in thought, trying to think of something reckless she always wanted to do, but had never been brave enough to. There was something about this day which pushed her beyond rationale. Somehow Andrew was her safety net and she felt so much more free around him, knew he’d go to any length he could just to make her crazy ideas possible.

“I’ve got something…” she proclaimed half-heartedly, “but I don’t know if I can justify it.”

“Go on” he pushed excitedly, scratching his beard.

“Well, me being the classy mess I am, I always pick the cheapest option on any wine menu. Every time. Without question. I actually have this theory that cheap wine gets me drunk quicker than the expensive stuff does, but maybe that’s because I can afford the bottle as opposed to one glass. So I’ve never had anything other than the first, cheapest option on every wine list.”

“So…” he drawled, quite confused by how long she esd talking, trying to wrap his mind around how quick she spoke when she was describing something.

“So I want to try the most expensive champagne on the menu.”

Flo tried to read Andrew’s face, tried to make sense of the dizzying grin he was wearing and loved how excited he seemed by everything she said.

“I’m in, honey. And I’m paying for it.”

“You can’t pay for everything!” she groaned immediately, expecting this exact response from him, “What are you, a billionaire?”

Andrew cackled at her, adding quickly: “I think we spend the equal amount of money so far.”

She was quiet, thinking. Her independence bounced around inside her, the need to turn down his offer practically dangling from her lips. He saw it and reached out to touch her wrist reassuringly. She flinched at the unexpected closeness, unprepared when he pulled her closer to him to drawl, “Just let me treat you, honey, you deserve it.”

“One glass” she said with a huge sigh.

“One glass.”

“Just one.”

“Only one.”

Andrew let go of her wrist and sauntered over to the bar, his hips wiggling idiotically. Flo watched him clear his throat before leaning in to mumble something Flo couldn’t quite make out from where she was standing. The bartender seemed to check twice, shaking his head a little in disbelief then she saw Andrew remove the gold credit card from his wallet. He purposely turned back and winked at her, his eyes all glittery with excitement and then returned empty handed.

“They’re bringing it over” he declared.

“How much was it?” She asked the second he was close enough.

“Not telling you!”

“Andy!”

“Flo!” he replied, mockingly.

Monday, 2:25pm

They sat at what was now apparently their table, the one they ate breakfast at that morning, surrounded by the noise of guests devouring lunch and talking casually about things Flo didn’t want or need to listen to. Andrew always took her full attention.

Glancing around the room as Flo shuffled in her chair, Andrew took in a couple of faces that they had run into already, staff and guests. He was surprised they weren’t notorious for their hotel antics by now - especially when his face was embarrassingly well known wherever he went. It amazed him once again how little Flo knew about him and he had a sudden internal dilemma that was hard to swallow. Was he lying to her by not telling her who he was?

Like a perfect intervention, the waiter came over seconds later, visibly judging the pair for ordering a single glass of champagne, the most expensive champagne they had. He raised his thick eyebrows as he placed the glasses and hurried off without a word.

“Okay then, honey…” Andrew called cheerily, holding the glass filled with sparkly golden liquid in his hand, “Shall we have a toast?”

“To what?” She giggled, taking her own glass between her fingers delicately. She lifted her eyes to his, allowing herself to be lost in him for a moment. He licked his lips, kept his intense gaze to match hers before adding proudly: “To us. To Flo and Andy. To this week, even though it barely started.”

They clinked their glasses against each other, the sound ringing between them then each took a long sip, watching each other as they did. Flo swallowed, enjoying the refreshing buzz and concentrated on how the bubbly-liquid tasted. Andrew did the same, his Adam’s apple bobbing wildly in his throat as he tilted his head to think at great effort.

“It’s uh…” she began, pulling a confused face as she searched for words.

“It’s, em, well…”

“I mean…”

Andrew shrugged, took another large sip then said: “Tastes like any other champagne, doesn’t it?”

Flo nodded, trying not to laugh as she took another sip from the glass. It wasn’t bad at all and she was surprised by how thirsty she was, but it really wasn’t what she was expecting.

“It genuinely tastes like the cheap stuff…” she giggled, shaking her head in disbelief, eyes bright and wide.

“Disappointed?” he grumbled, licking his lips as he sipped again, hoping for something more exciting that the familiar fruitiness.

“Not disappointed” she stated firmly, “I’m actually kinda relieved that I’m not missing out too much when I go for the cheap and cheerful stuff.”

She laughed again in disbelief, her eyes crinkling and nose scrunching after they each finished their glasses in another sip. Andrew smiled at how much he loved that face, placing his glass and watching her tilt her head to look at him again. He didn’t really care about the money, the stupidity of how much he just paid for one glass of bubbly, he cared that he made her laugh like that again.

“It must be your turn again now, Andrew” she sang, dabbing her lips with her fingertips.

He rubbed his eyes. He knew somehow that she wouldn’t let him off that easily and tried to focus on the task at hand, planning a new adventure for the both of them. It was almost impossible when she was sat in front of him like that, naturally stunning, full of light, quick and smart and hilarious without even trying. He shuffled uncomfortably.

“Come on, Andy” she sighed in a low, soft voice, impatiently leaning forward a little, batting her long eyelashes in his direction. “What do you want to do? What do you want, right now?”

Andrew swallowed dryly and tried not to verbalize the only answer he had.

You, Flo. I want you.

[stevenuniversallyreviews]

Episode 121: Rocknaldo

“I don't love that. I don't accept that.”

Ronaldo Fryman has always been annoying.

From his first speaking role in Cat Fingers, and his first starring role in Keep Beach City Weird, this has been obvious. He’s selfish and insensitive, dominating every conversation he’s a part of and refusing to respect viewpoints that differ from his. He works well in small doses, where his grating nature can be properly diluted, so it’s understandable that an entire episode of Ronaldo at peak Ronaldo is not a widely beloved entry in the Steven Universe canon. But even though I can’t stand watching Rocknaldo, I actually, uh, kind of love it.

That’s a hard “uh, kind of” though. It’s tough to separate my emotions about this one, because I respect such an incredible portrayal of toxic fandom, but I hate toxic fandom so much that I don’t enjoy spending time with it, even as parody. This isn’t an episode I’m ever in the mood for, but it’s just so good at what it’s doing that I can’t stay mad at it.

Ronaldo’s propaganda is first played for laughs, with Steven’s bewilderment at what he’s reading (“They’re adding mind-controlling minerals to our water suppl—they hate men?”) and the vaudevillian back and forth of Ronaldo’s Rock People talking points and Steven’s quick and absolute dismissals. Ronaldo’s embarrassment is a bit of a surprise considering he’s never seemed capable of such a sensation, and his willingness to admit he’s wrong seems like a good sign, but oh boy does that attitude not last.

The mindset that led Ronaldo to make his bad faith arguments in pamphlet form (which he calls Ronalphlets because heaven forbid we get the idea that it’s not about him) persists, and it’s so much worse in conversation than as printed media. It’s not enough that he impedes on Steven’s personal space, but he checks off multiple key items on the Pathetic Internet Troll I Find Useless List (or “PITIFUL” if we’re using proper jargon). He’s casually sexist. He negs Steven into accepting his intrusions. He gatekeeps the concept of being a “true” Crystal Gem, which is lousy in a bubble but so much worse in practice because he’s doing it to an actual Crystal Gem. He gaslights by stating his incorrect views as obvious facts, complete with his own lingo, to make Steven question his own validity. And perhaps worst of all, he takes advantage of Steven’s empathetic nature to pretend that a tolerant person must accept abuse.

On the one hand, Ronaldo’s extreme behavior can be chalked up to severe sleep loss; that’s certainly the angle the episode goes for. But on the other, his toxicity begins well before he decides to stop sleeping, and as someone whose record for consecutive waking hours is an inadvisable thirty-six, fatigue will make you cranky, but it won’t make you more conniving. In cartoon world it’s a clean device to up Ronaldo’s awfulness in a way we can walk back from, but ugh he’s still a trashfire. Zach Callison always deserves kudos, and Rocknaldo is no exception, but Zachary Steel wins out here for capturing such a loathsome version of his character.

A key ingredient for Rocknaldo is timing. Steven just had a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day, and this is our first glimpse at how it’s changed him, so what better way to test our all-loving hero than to pit him against a black hole of selfishness? He’s grown a lot since Keep Beach City Weird in a way Ronaldo hasn’t, and while his instinct is still kindness, now there’s a welcome dose of teen moodiness mixed in. 

It takes a while for Steven to realize it’s a grift, but beyond this slowness being a necessity for the conflict of the episode to work, it makes sense for where he’s at this point in the show. Again, kindness is an instinct for this kid, and even when Ronaldo starts getting infuriating, we’ve seen Steven be patient with him before. He’s also got that martyr complex revved up: this isn’t the first or last time he’s been willing to suffer to make someone else comfortable. He knows how much it sucks to be called the wrong name by now, so he’s the only person who consistently calls Ronaldo “Bloodstone.” And considering Rose Quartz wasn’t what he thought, he now feels that he must double his efforts to be his best self to compensate.

Also important is Steven’s willingness to defend his friends from the start, calling the term “Rock People” offensive and defending the Gems’ decision to leave Ronaldo behind on a dangerous mission. He can take Ronaldo’s lousiness all day, but finally snaps when Connie’s worthiness is insulted. It’s sweet that he sticks up for people, but it’s a bummer that he probably would’ve put up with Ronaldo even longer if the only one suffering was himself. Steven would do anything for his friends, but he’s not doing much for Steven.

This is why Ronaldo is the ideal antagonist for an episode coming off Steven’s space adventure. Steven’s selflessness contrasts perfectly with Ronaldo’s selfishness, but instead of a story about selflessness being good and selfishness being bad, we see how selflessness isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Yes, it’s good to care about others, but it’s also important to have boundaries and enough self-respect to defend yourself; this isn’t even the first time we’ve gotten this message, but it bears repeating. There’s are limits to tolerance that trolls will always exploit (“White Nationalists aren’t welcome here? So much for the ‘Tolerant Left!’”), and on a show about empathy we need for Steven (and the audience) to see that empathy doesn’t mean being a doormat.

Steven’s patience fuels the episode, but the wheels are greased by the Amethyst and Pearl’s disdain. It’s a minor part of Rocknaldo, but I’m not sure I could survive how grating Ronaldo is without some backup from the Gems.

Garnet may lead a slow clap at Steven’s rousing speech on the nature of acceptance, but Amethyst is happy to crack jokes at Ronaldo’s self-seriousness, down to that perfect impression near the end of the episode. Meanwhile, Pearl openly hates the guy. We don’t even get Sassy Pearl (perhaps the greatest Pearl of all), she’s just bluntly dismissive as a refreshing antidote to Steven’s hospitality. She doesn’t bother to remember his ridiculous new name because she refuses to humor the notion that he’s a Gem, and it totally works for me; misnaming is played for drama when Steven is concerned, as befits the trans allegory that comes to a head in Change Your Mind, but Ronaldo is a human belittling Steven’s identity by pretending he shares it, so “Bloodstone” isn’t worth getting right to her (it helps that “Fryrocko” is also a delightful thing to call somebody). This jokey take on names works in the moment, but more importantly primes us for a more serious take in our last scene.

The final conversation, after a rare time jump, does salvage Ronaldo somewhat. He apologizes and admits he was acting like a jerk, and remains dedicated to helping the Crystal Gems in his own weird way. But the root of his problem isn’t gonna up and go away, and that root, again, is selfishness. He doesn’t fit in because he would rather the world adjust to meet his whims than take a single step towards self-improvement, so he chooses to see himself as “the ultimate outsider.” I guess it’s nice to find a positive spin on qualities you’re not great at, but it reeks of self-importance in a way that’s true to the character but is still frustrating to watch. Ronaldo is very good at being who he is, but I just don’t have much patience for intentionally annoying characters.

Still, we get that lovely moment of Steven talking about his name; it’s not a big revelation that folks only call him Rose Quartz when they’re mad at him, but verbalizing it shows that he’s aware of the pattern. The issue of his name will pop up more and more, becoming a cornerstone of both the Season 4 and Season 5 finales, so it’s nice to discuss it in a calm moment so we can keep Steven’s opinion in the back of our minds when things get messy. Ronaldo, to his credit, asks permission before sharing this story on his pamphlet, and evokes fellow emotionally-challenged antagonist Zuko in his attempt at solidarity. (Fun fact: in no other way is Ronaldo similar to Zuko.)

Moving from Zuko to Zuke: I don’t know where Rocknaldo’s production lined up on the timeline of the Steven Universe fandom's worst elements harassing Jesse Zuke, but I hope Zuke got some level of catharsis in portraying such “fans” in this pathetic manner. Speaking as a guy with a blog, calling Ronaldo “just a guy with a blog” is perfect putdown for a loser that makes himself feel big by pretending to know how to run a ship better than the captain. Imagine if I spent every post saying how much better of a storyteller I am than this crew. Ugh.

Fandoms can do great things, but man are they pros at doing horrible things. During the week that I wrote this review, a 15-year-old Super Smash Bros player got yelled off the internet for beating an established player in an incredible fashion, because while the community adores a young upstart, they can’t stand when that upstart is a girl. And no, I’m not saying the entire fandom did it, just as the entire Steven Universe fandom didn’t target one of the show’s best boarders (note that this article was written when Zuke still went by Lauren), but there are more than enough Ronaldos in every community, and it’s up to people who comprehend the basic tenets of empathy provided by a show they claim to love to stand up to such bullies.

If you don’t like Rocknaldo, that’s just fine. Because you shouldn’t like how Ronaldo acts in it. Liking something doesn’t give you the right to harass people, so do your part in shutting that nonsense down. 

I’ve never been to this…how do you say…school?

Just give us an episode with Peridot, Yellow Pearl, Peedee, and Ronaldo trapped in a room already.

We’re the one, we’re the ONE! TWO! THREE! FOUR!

I hate watching this episode, but that doesn’t mean I hate the episode. It does its job very well, which is worthy of admiration even if I’m probably never going to watch it again now that this review is done.

Top Twenty

Steven and the Stevens

Hit the Diamond

Mirror Gem

Lion 3: Straight to Video

Alone Together

Last One Out of Beach City

The Return

Jailbreak

The Answer

Mindful Education

Sworn to the Sword

Rose’s Scabbard

Earthlings

Mr. Greg

Coach Steven

Giant Woman

Beach City Drift

Winter Forecast

Bismuth

Steven’s Dream

Love ‘em

Laser Light Cannon

Bubble Buddies

Tiger Millionaire

Lion 2: The Movie

Rose’s Room

An Indirect Kiss

Ocean Gem

Space Race

Garnet’s Universe

Warp Tour

The Test

Future Vision

On the Run

Maximum Capacity

Marble Madness

Political Power

Full Disclosure

Joy Ride

Keeping It Together

We Need to Talk

Chille Tid

Cry for Help

Keystone Motel

Catch and Release

When It Rains

Back to the Barn

Steven’s Birthday

It Could’ve Been Great

Message Received

Log Date 7 15 2

Same Old World

The New Lars

Monster Reunion

Alone at Sea

Crack the Whip

Beta

Back to the Moon

Kindergarten Kid

Buddy’s Book

Gem Harvest

Three Gems and a Baby

That Will Be All

The New Crystal Gems

Storm in the Room

Like ‘em

Gem Glow

Frybo

Arcade Mania

So Many Birthdays

Lars and the Cool Kids

Onion Trade

Steven the Sword Fighter

Beach Party

Monster Buddies

Keep Beach City Weird

Watermelon Steven

The Message

Open Book

Story for Steven

Shirt Club

Love Letters

Reformed

Rising Tides, Crashing Tides

Onion Friend

Historical Friction

Friend Ship

Nightmare Hospital

Too Far

Barn Mates

Steven Floats

Drop Beat Dad

Too Short to Ride

Restaurant Wars

Kiki’s Pizza Delivery Service

Greg the Babysitter

Gem Hunt

Steven vs. Amethyst

Bubbled

Adventures in Light Distortion

Gem Heist

The Zoo

Rocknaldo

Enh

Cheeseburger Backpack

Together Breakfast

Cat Fingers

Serious Steven

Steven’s Lion

Joking Victim

Secret Team

Say Uncle

Super Watermelon Island

Gem Drill

Know Your Fusion

Future Boy Zoltron

No Thanks!

     6. Horror Club      5. Fusion Cuisine      4. House Guest      3. Onion Gang      2. Sadie’s Song      1. Island Adventure

[jardimdeglicinias]

Opinions!

@tales-of-lost-fantasy​

Long Post!

Most admirable quality:

“He is...! Sorry, let me think, I mistook him for someone else for a moment... Souza-san is capable of smiling even in his situation and... He doesn’t bend his knees to the saniwa, something that I wanted to be able to do. He is a goal that I’ll never reach, being able to have such strong willpower is truly admirable. Sometimes I hate it, but it can’t be helped. Souza-san is at least able to bite any hand close to him that he doesn’t approves, while I... Can only feel relief that one hand is trying to reach for me.”

“A closed space is a prison, but if you don’t wish to escape it turns into a castle. If someday he decides that he wants to be freed from his prison... I’ll be glad to help him, even though for me this closed space is a castle.”

Most attractive physical feature:

“... I used to describe him as beautiful as a bride, the bride being Jokei-in. Her beauty wasn’t great as Haruhime’s, my fair Aoki Gozen, but it surpassed Tsukiyama Gozen’s... Now, how can I call him this way? I couldn’t recognize him. Once I discovered about the Honnoji Incident and the Great Fire of Meireki that I could connect the dots and understand the cause that Souza-san has no beauty in comparison to his former self, yet I’ll always describe him with the same beauty that Joukei-in had, because that’s how Imagawa Yoshimoto described her until the last time I saw him, four years after her death.”

“I feel at ease looking at his hair and back, so I can pretend that nothing ever happened. I wonder how his eyes would be if he was still the same from before, probably they would be calm, but not empty.”

Most annoying habit:

“I want him to remember the past before Oda Nobunaga, Nothing that I tried worked and Sensaifumetsu refuses to help me. I don’t think this habit is annoying, I outright hate it. I would exchange this, my new chance to be useful, just for him to not be so influenced by someone who is no longer here. I know that I sometimes get nostalgic about my own masters, but... This isn’t nostalgia, it’s like an obsession. Sometimes I think he can only think about Oda Nobunaga for a reason, and this reason is frightening to think about.”

“But I can’t complain about it.The same way he can’t let go of Oda Nobunaga, I can’t let go of his former self. Pathetic, right?”

Something they would like to do with them:

“I already thanked him for Mikawa Province, the only home I knew. So anything more is out of question. He is no longer Miyoshi Samonji, nor Yoshimoto Samonji... I wish I was at Okehazama instead of Sensaifumetsu so could know what happened to him, but I guess that my existence was more peaceful not knowing what happened to him for centuries than it could be if I knew. As soon I recognized him I wanted to free him from the haunting figure of Oda Nobunaga, I tried, I really tried, but it won’t happen. So now, if he asks me to free him, I’ll even make it look like it was the enemy’s fault. That’s how much I want to show him that I care about him. His willpower is the thing that I admire the most, so I’ll face any punishment and swallow my regrets for the sake of him being able to have his wishes fulfilled.”

“But there is one thing I wanted to do with him once he manifested, if he hadn’t gone through everything that makes him himself now. I ... That’s so embarrassing... I wanted to hold his hand and say that I am glad to see him again and... Maybe ask if I am beautiful, now that I am no longer falling apart and my paintings are no longer faded.”

[classpecting-through-time]

Okay so, hear me out. I am HOPEFULLY back to stay, PERMANENTLY. No more disappearing for me. I have so many asks that have been sitting for way too long in my ask box, and I feel really bad for making everyone wait so long.

HOWEVER.

This initial coming back post is not a Classpect post, but actually just a normal ass Homestuck themed one. Specifically, I was bored, and I decided to try to rank the members of the Felt in order of who the strongest is out of them, in my opinion.

I honestly rather enjoy the Felt, so I hope this is interesting to SOMEBODY out there. Anyways, this list was made in a rather short amount of time with probably not as much thought going into it than it should have, but whatever, I gotta come back with something!

So without further ado, here’s my list along with some basic explanations for why I have someone above or below someone else. I’m also putting it under a read more for how long it might be, just look how long this intro is even taking!

So yeah, happy to be back, hope this interests at least one of you, and you can expect Classpect to return in at least another day!

Okay, so, to start us off, some rules about this. I am not including Snowman, Doc Scratch or LE himself in this list. I am merely talking about the other 14 main, fuzzy ass members of this gang. But with that cleared up, onto the list!

Starting off at the bottom of this list I have put Doze. Poor Doze. His power is to slow down time but only for himself. Yeah, not that great on paper unlike his odd numbered counterpart. This ability can be helpful for him taking damage since it takes a while for him to even feel the pain, but that doesn’t stop it from being a thing either. Like, yeah, he probably won’t FEEL being decapitated, but then he’s already dead by that point. Doze’s double barrel shotgun could be capable of doing some good damage, but unfortunately, he’s way too easy to see coming to avoid him, and if you do give him the chance to attack you, you really have no one to blame but yourself. And I doubt his 2x4 would be of much use either.

Moving on from Doze, I have decided to put Die here on the list. Now, why is that? Well, for starters, the dude is kind of a coward. He doesn’t really take too well to conflict, more likely to submit or flee away to an alternate timeline where whatever member of the Felt has grieved him is dead. On his own he doesn’t have any powers, seemingly, but his doll is certainly an interesting item. He sticks a pin in, and he is teleported to a timeline where that person has died, with some seeming variance on how soon the death had happened. Though in the comic it does seem to steer more towards a recent death. As well, if that pin is removed, you then go to a timeline where that person is still alive. Now that’s all well and cool, but this ability doesn’t really have any combat prowess. Hell, it’s what gets him killed in the Intermission, jumping to a timeline where Itchy had just died and he gets beat to death by Spades. While his doll COULD have the potential to aid him in a fight, in someones hands like Die, or nearly any member of the Felt, it doesn’t do him any real favors unless you were smart about it. And though his melee weapon may not be the best, he still has his gun which I think is enough to put him above Doze with a well aimed bullet.

Next I decided to go with Eggs and Biscuits as both the 12th and 11th place here. They’re pretty jokey characters with on a surface level useful time travel ability, if it weren’t for the fact they’re probably as slow as Doze is upstairs. They’re very haphazard use of time travel to make a large group of the duo appear and mob on an enemy is seemingly useful. However, it’s only really been shown to be an annoyance more than anything, even with them flailing their weapons about. Despite all this, I think they can make for a good disrupter. Hearts Boxcars was basically just trapped in the middle of their thing until he was later rescued. Hell, they were technically responsible for Jake dying in Collide with him being tossed around and discombobulated enough for Crowbar to pump him full of lead. They may not be good for much outside of those examples (and I doubt they happened to put Jake in that position on purpose) they can still do well enough together.

Next I have Stitch, the sort of healer of the group. Yeah, think about it, he kind of heals the others through the use of his effigies, allowing him to repair battle damage if he is able to before the person dies. After being forced to make one for Spades he was able to sew up his eye after Snowman stuck her cigarette holder in it. While a pretty useful ability, keep in mind, he’s still just a tailor. A tailor with a tommygun! Despite the fact that the Felt weren’t technically “born” until Caliborn claimed them, I just get a sort of old man vibe looking at his face. Like, I feel like Stitch would feel too old for this shit to keep up with all these shenanigans on top of the Midnight Crew. As such, I also see him as one of the few Felt members with an actual brain in his head. However, despite all that, he was rather handedly beaten by the Midnight Crew. Also, him swinging around a blank effigy as a melee weapon doesn’t strike me a particularly strong item, but he was able to knock around some of his Felt brothers, likely thanks to their fabric bodies. So yeah, that’s why I think he can be placed here.

Next on the list is Trace. Now, Trace’s ability to see where someone has been can be useful for fucking with the Crew in the Intermission, but not for much else outside of tracking someone. He honestly seems like just a real average kind of member of this rabble, there’s not a whole lot outside of his ability to set him apart from the rest, outside of Fin which we’ll get to very shortly. His triple barrel shotgun is sure to be an effective weapon, even when he turns that bitch around and thwacks a motherfucker across the head with it. Oh, and I guess Trace can fuck with people from the past by interacting with their trail, but whatever.

...Well, that was short! Yeah, sorry, but I don’t have a ton to say about Trace, much like this next guy, his counterpart, Fin. I decided to put Fin about Trace for a few reasons. One, his ability to see where someone is going to be, and even when their timeline ends CAN be of actual use in a battle if smartly used. You could seemingly use it to predict their movements and dodge their strikes. Fin is also able to be interacted with in a similar way. Like how Diamonds Droog was able to shoot him cuz Fin is kind of an idiot and leaves hints to where his location is, so, Droog then shot him up from the future Fin was viewing from that room. Man was that a mouthful. Speaking of mouths, Fin has sharp shark teeth cuz lol his name is Fin like a shark. He’s apparently not above biting someone with them as well, and they are sharp. This may also just be me, but the dude survived for a longer while than he probably should have with how much he got shot and was bleeding out EVERYWHERE before finally collapsing. It’s possible Trace is the same, but since he died instantly from a bomb, we can’t really be sure. Armed with his revolver and fish bat, Fin is ready to take on the competition! So long as it isn’t against anyone above him, which speaking of, moving on.

Next is Matchsticks. God damn is there not much to him. You know, I think I’d go on to say he and Quarters get the least really seen or told about them and what they may be like. And his power isn’t much better or obvious. Alright, get this, the guy can travel through time using FIRE as a portal, which he then puts out with his extinguisher so more of him don’t start popping up like Eggs and Biscuits. Yeah, real useful that one is. I suppose if a fight breaks out and things catch on fire though he can be of use using a similar strategy like Eggs and Biscuits, but that’s also kind of situational. Kinda. But he seems like a tough guy who can take a hit, and that extinguisher is sure to leave a mark. Also his tiny baby gun is kind of hilarious. Oh, and it probably hurts to be shot by it, so don’t. If I were to seriously put time into thinking about it, Fin MAY be better than Matchsticks, but I made this post, and damnit, I’m gonna sleep in it! As soon as I find a way to do so...

Next up is the not-so-fun-sized Sawsbuck. You may be confused why he’s so far up, but thinking about it, he’s KIND of the teams tank. His ability even ties into him taking damage causing him and whoever inflicted it to jump around the timeline all the way until he finally dies. He and his portly figure are good for absorbing damage as we saw in both the Intermission and Collide. The guy can take stabbings, lacerations, multiple bullet wounds, and keep on trucking for a bit. He and is trusty riding crop are sure to leave a sting, as well as almost as many cheeks red as Snowman’s whip. Plus his Mossburg 590 is sure to leave a mark. A few, actually. At which point you’ll probably bleed out if didn’t kill you already with a blast to the chest.

I think it’s at this point we actually start getting to heavy hitters. Yeah, at the 5th ranking spot, it’s about time, right? So who scurried their way up the list to start us off? Why, none other than Itchy, of course! Yeah, seems kinda sad Doze is placed last, but Itchy gets to be this much higher than him. Such is fate. Life isn’t fair with the powers you’re given. Speaking of, Itchy is fast. He’s fast as fuck, boy. Specifically, he’s slowing down time relative to himself to move the way he does. The classic hit and runner. While the ability gives him great mobility and utility in combat, it’s also been shown that Itchy’s reaction speed sometimes isn’t good enough to keep up. Hence why he was rather easily dealt with by Spades just holding his leg out for Itchy to trip over. This does come in handy in places like in Collide where, despite having a single shot pistol, he seemingly rapid fires it, probably thanks to his speed in being able to reload in the blink of an eye. That on top of his baseball bat, and he’s a regular Scout, minus the shotguns. But he’s below the people coming up just because I can see them pulling something trip him up like Spades did all the same. Not to mention his whole deal is about not getting hit PERIOD. He seems to go down rather easily from most standard attacks, but with speed and the power backing it up, he’s not to be counted out of a fight.

Next is a kind of weird or maybe controversial choice with Quarters. Why do I put him up here? Well, kind of due to his size and seeming strength that, while it may not compare to Cans, he’s still a big dude. I won’t get into what his deal is, since he doesn’t have a power, but an item like Die, and because it’s rather complicated to write out here. Have you SEEN how long this post is getting? Ain’t nobody got time for me to rabble on even more than I do. So, Quarters is a tough guy. So what? Well, that’s where his mini gun comes into play. It’s a damn powerful weapon as we saw him absolutely demolish Spades with in an alternate timeline. He also interestingly wields a monkey wrench, which we see him try to use against Jane and Jake as they fought him together. Which I could believe Jake would need a little bit of help fighting him, hence Jane coming in with the support. There’s not much else to say besides he just seems like a really strong member of their gang!

Okay, no more messing around now. The top 3, and this was a very hard thing to decide on, even in my quick list here. I am once again putting 2 members on the same spot, though one of them could easily be number 1 if I thought about it enough, but this is how it stands right now. Coming in at 3rd and 2nd I have Crowbar and Cans. Yeah yeah, number 1 is kind of odd, but we’ll get there. Let’s talk these monsters. Crowbar is seemingly the leader of the Felt outside of Doc Scratch and possibly Snowman, though she may just be doing her own thing away from the Felt most times, and that's justly deserved. He’s actually smart, and his weapon is damn important for the later end of the story. His crowbar is not only powerful, but its juju breaking abilities can well make him shut off a few of the other members with a single swing. We see Caliborn and Jack English make the most use of this weapon in a combat sense, and it does them both nicely. Especially for Caliborn who manages to beat his Denizen to death with that, and maybe his gun since we see it tossed off to the side. It’s even able to stand up to LE’s golden cuestaff when wielded by Jack English. His gun of choice is also a sub machine gun, which he was shown using to shoot up Jake. Moving on to Cans, he’s obviously the main muscle of the group. His lone weapons are his gorilla sized arms and fists, with his power being able to knock someone or even a group of people through time. He has great strength and endurance, allowing him to shrug off most blows and keep on coming back swinging. He did seem to get rather tripped up from Dad’s cake business, though, allowing Dad to land some more punches of maximum mangrit! Not only can his fists send someone through time, he can even go a bit meta and punch someone between panels to get around, even fighting by using the panels as a platform. And he can do this seemingly without causing any passage of time between when he punched them and when they arrive at their location. Now, all that being said, the person I’d put on top depends on how effective Crowbar’s weapons would be on Cans, and if he can come up with a plan to stop him from knocking him around and beating him senseless. Is Crowbar intelligent enough to come up with that sort of plan? Kinda like being the Batman of the group, coming up with ideas to counter and take down any of the Justice League if they turn rogue. Heh, Rogue. Homestuck reference. I would personally say he probably could play Cans, but I think can just as easily see Cans making up the damage being dealt to him in potentially smaller amounts. I think this is gonna stay as a toss up for the time being.

And with that, here we are. The number 1 placement. You know who it is. That lucky and flirty little bastard, Clover. Now, I know this may sound odd, and I am with you on that, saying Clover is the strongest is kind of an odd statement. But hear me out. His unbelievable luck makes him nigh impervious to damage, let alone the threat of death. Now, this ability has been worked around before. Like when Jack opened the vault in the manor, which seemingly killed every member of the Felt and the Midnight Crew other than Spades and Snowman. And I would chock that up to the huge amount of energy given off by the safe in tandem with the crowbars juju breaking ability allowing Clover top actually be caught in whatever goes down. We then again later see Karkat is able to at least catch and hog tie Clover, possibly thanks to his curse given to him by the ATH~ code he ran back in Hivebent. So unless you use VERY SPECIFIC CIRCUMSTANCES, the best you can do is idly drub the guy, like Droog did with a newspaper in the Intermission. And even though he may not be able to to dish out the most damage, he can still swing his 4x2, a cute parallel to Doze’s 2x4, and fire his glock to attack people. So, with a guy you can’t even really damage unless through very particular means, on top of being able to seemingly take down every other member of the Felt with enough time and bullets, I think it’s safe to say Clover’s OP ability earns himself the thrown at the top of this ladder. Don’t ask me who put that chair up there. Seems rather dangerous if you ask me.

WHEW! That was a fucking mouthful that took forever to write up. I may revisit this at some point when I feel like going seriously into the research to maybe make better placement decisions. Hell, feel free to argue for or against this list all you want! I’d love to hear if you had a differing opinion, or had anything that would support my thoughts that I maybe just forgot about. Anyways, have a great day everyone, and once again, it feels good to be back!

[81scorp]

My thoughts on Wreck-it Ralph 2

(Originally posted on Deviantart June 27, 2018)

I know what you`re thinking. Isn`t it too early to talk about a movie that hasn`t even come out yet and that we`ve only seen two trailers of so far?* Yes, yes it is. But I`m gonna do it anyway. And technically, by internet standard I`m not too early. More than a few people before me have already published editorials or videos or other form of reactions where they`ve picked apart, nitpicked, overreacted or in other ways jumped to conclusions about things they don`t know enough about. By internet standard I`m pretty late to the party. Grin like a moron and giggle like an idiot Not gonna lie, part of... ("part of?" Oh who am I kidding?) The reason I`m writing this is because of the  scene where Vanellope meets the Disney Princesses. Like most of you I read about this online and it became this movie`s "too fun to miss" thing for me. When the first Wreck-it Ralph movie came out I was on the fence about seeing it, but then I saw a pic from the Bad anon meeting and I felt that a movie with a scene where several famous videogame badguys (like M. Bison, Eggman and Bowser) go to a support group seemed too fun to miss. I had a similar thing with Guardians of the Galaxy where the idea of a talking, machinegun-wielding racoon in a Marvel movie was the "too fun to miss" thing. After that the next movie with a "too fun to miss" thing was Moana, because I did not want to miss the chance of seeing Dwayne Johnson in a Disney musical. Not gonna lie, when I first read that the Disney Princesses where gonna show up together in Wreck-it Ralph 2 I grinned like a moron and giggled like an idiot. One comment I`ve heard somewhere about this scene is that what it does is not very new or original since Enchanted did the whole "Disney poking fun at itself" first, years ago. Another comment is that people have been making Disney crossovers in fanfics and fan art for years and that Disney themselves are pretty damn late when it comes to doing it themselves. Yeah, and? First: People seem to think that something has to be new or original to be good. While originality is a good thing it is not always necessary. Something that is not original can be good if you do something interesting and creative with it. Before Toy story there was a tv movie where toys came to life. It also had a protagonist, who was the favorite toy, that had to deal with a newcomer who was a sci-fi action-figure who didn`t know that they, themself were a toy. It`s called The Christmas toy, made by Eric Till and Jim Henson. It came out 1986 and it`s existence does not make Toy story worse. Toy story does more with the "living toys" idea than The Christmas toy did and it was funnier. Second: Yeah, it`s a little late. But better late than never. Press start button for hero`s journey As much as the princess scene is the biggest reason I want to see this movie, my common sense told me that this is only gonna be one scene that most likely will only take two minutes max of the movie`s runtime. And no, I`m not one of those who wonders "Where`s Kida? Where`s Meg? Where`s Eilonwy?" Because I`m reasonable. You can`t put everyone who has two X chromosomes in the Princess lineup. But Moana`s in the room with the other princesses and she`s not in the official lineup. Most likely because animated movies take a long time to make and the filmmakers probably assumed that she would be included in the lineup by the time the first trailer premiered. Personally I don`t mind, because Moana`s awesome. But it would be fun if Kida, Meg and Eilonwy at least got a small cameo, like Chun Li and Cammy got in the first movie. It would be a nice way for the filmmakers to show that they remember the little ones. But this is not a movie about Ralph and Vanellope meeting the princesses, it`s a movie about Ralph and Vanellope travelling the internet and doing so for a reason. If you`ve read the plot synopsis you know that someting in Vanellope`s game breaks down and they can only get a replacement for it somewhere on the internet. I have a few predictions (most of them will probably be wrong) and a few hopes (most of them will probably not happen) about where this film is going. This film may take inspiration from Homer`s The Odyssey and the tale of Orpheus and Eurydice. Both are stories where the protagonist goes on a challenging journey filled with obstacles and dangers. And, since it is implied in the title that there will be some degree of destruction: National Lampoon`s European Vacation. Maybe the movie will have some commentary about internet culture and how much time we spend online? Maybe. These are the thoughts I had before the release of the second trailer. Here are the thoughts I had after I saw it. When princesses attack or: How I learned to stop worrying too much and be OK with what I saw I have to admit that I like the Disney Princesses scene... But I also have mixed feelings about it. Part of it is the design, I would have preferred it if they had been closer to their original design. I`m not saying that the 2D princesses should have been in 2D but I would have liked if their 3D form had been more directly translated from their original versions. I can however understand why they changed it. The "real life" humans in this world don`t look very close to us in their design, they are slightly stylized and caricatured. To put a fictional character that looks closer to us in their world would make them stand out a little. However, there are only two of the princesses that are made to look as close to real people as possible in the princess lineup: Snowwhite and Cinderella. So maybe you could tweak their design a little while leaving the rest of the 2D princesses the same (just translated to 3D) and leave the 3D princesses untouched. But then again, changing only two characters from their iconic look that the public is used to and leave the rest with their iconic looks unchanged would probably create a feeling of inconsistency. Their classic looks, while not drawn by the same artist and therefor not very consistent in artstyle, are familiar to us and we like familiarity so we overlook the inconsistency. And technically, Disney has kinda built their brand on familiarity. Personally I believe that it could have been funnier if they had looked closer to their original designs while acting like they did in the trailer. It`s similar to David Zucker`s first rule of comedy: deliver a funny line with a serious face. I wouldn`t mind if they had compromised and gone 50/50 between the classical designs and the WiR 2 designs. Another option is to keep the WiR2 designs and only change one thing: Cinderella`s hair. They have kept the most distinguishing features from the old classics in their new designs so that you can recognize them despite the new look, except Cinderella`s hair. In the classic version her hair was more of (for lack of a better word to discribe it) a curve. Here it`s just an ordinary hairbun, not as iconic or recognizable. She can keep her ears but don`t lose the hair curve. *** It`s similar to the Doctor`s Tardis in Dr Who, sure, it`s an old look but it makes it more recognizable and timeless. And While we`re on the subject: yes, they made Merida`s eyes a little too big. And then the jokes. The jokes were fine. I especially found it funny when Punzie and Belle asked Vanellope with great interest if she`d ever been kidnapped or enslaved and Vanellope wondered if she should call the police. About this line from the trailer: Rapunzel: Do people assume all your problems got solved because a big strong man showed up? Vanellope: Yes! What is up with that? It`s technically not bad, it`s just that the feminist commentary in he trailer to The Lego Movie 2 was funnier. Sweet Mayhem: This guy was a fierce warrior? Wyldstyle: Okay, well, technically, *I* did the warrior stuff, but... Sweet Mayhem: So you fought, and master built, and kicked butt, and then the hapless male was the leader. Wyldstyle: He, uh... Well... The commentary in WiR 2 just felt like, exactly that, a commentary. One that was very light on the funny. But what if you don`t compare it to lines from other movies? What if you just focus on how it works in it`s own? Still not as good as Vanellope`s  "Should I call the police?" line. But does it have to be funny? Not necessarily, but things being funny in a comedy is always appreciated. Oh well, at least it`s better than the forced strawfeminist commentary from the Emoji movie. People on the net have brought up complaints like: "It`s just a bunch of product placement!" and "The Disney princesses are out of character!" First: Yes, but the first movie had product placement too. Remember "Nesquiksand"? or "Oreo, Oreeo". Then again: In the first one the product placement was cleverly delivered in joke form. What we`ve seen so far from the trailer, when it comes to product placement, the jokey delivery is very light to pretty much absent. Second: Yes, the princesses are out of character, you know who else is? Ralph. He`s the bad guy in his game but when he`s not on the clock he`s a nice guy. Can`t the princesses be similar? Kind and gentle in their own movies but capable of being mean in the "real world"? They are fictional characters with self awareness after all. Then again: The princess jokes in the trailer felt a bit generalizing and seemed at times almost close to Shrek humor. Mel Brooks once said: "You have to love the thing you parody". Shrek was built on Jeffrey Katzenberg`s hate towards Michael Eisner (The CEO of Disney at the time.) and many of the jokes were meant to be a big middlefinger to Disney. Poking fun at Disney is fine but don`t try to be Shrek. But isn`t all this just nitpicking? Yes, yes it is. But I like nitpicking! I guess I expected it to be something more, something bigger. But why did I do that? Is it because The filmmakers themselves made such a big deal about it on the D23 expo? "Guess what, in our next movie we`re gonna have all the Disney princesses interact with Vanellope! We even have all the original living voice actresses coming back to reprise their roles! Isn`t that awesome?! Let`s have them all come up on stage! Come on! Big applause!" Maybe it is or maybe it`s because I heard about the scene but never saw it and it made me create many possible scenarios in my mind of how it could play out. It`s like that feeling you get when you watch a movie based on a book you like and feel that this is not how you imagined it. Or maybe I`m just spoiled by Kingdom Hearts and Pocket Princesses.** First I wondered if it was such a good idea to show the princess scene in the second trailer but in hindsight I realize that it is. By releasing the scene six months before the movie comes out, all those grumpy people that complain about their design will have had enough time to get used to it by the time it premieres. At least if they are reasonable grumpy people. Lies, damn lies and movie trailers Mark Twain is rumored to be one of the people to have said that there are three kinds of lies: "Lies, damn lies, and statistics". But you can also add "movie trailer" to that list. One of the best ways to give people the wrong idea of what your movie`s gonna be about is to be very selective with what you show in the trailer. One example is Tangled: The trailer made it look passable and filled with nothing but slapstick, but the movie itself turned out to be genuinely good. Another example is X-Men Origins: Wolverine. The trailer made it look cool and badass but the movie as a whole was just uninspired, rushed and disappointing. The phrases "What we`ve seen so far from the trailer" and "The princess jokes in the trailer" are there for me to remind myself (and others) that we don`t know the whole picture yet. The princess jokes we haven`t seen yet could be funnier than those we have seen. (...Or they could be worse.) It`s possible that they`ve shown most of the movie`s product placement in the trailers already. And the product placement that`s left could be delivered in a jokey way or not be very intrusive or important to the plot. I think that the filmmakers (most of the time at least) knew what they were doing, otherwise they would have had Ralph and Vanellope ask a real life search engine, like Google, for directions instead of Knowsmore. Speaking of that scene: Disney is not a stranger to altering scenes in their trailers to fool us. Once again an example from Tangled: the scene from one of the trailers where Eugene sneaks into Rapunzel`s tower and has a fight with her hair was not in the movie. So the scene with Knowsmore could go something like this: A: Vanellope doesn`t ask him to take them to a crazy fun place but instead to a place where they can find the missing piece to her game. B: Vanellope asks him to take them to a crazy fun place and he directs them to Buzztube where they meet Yesss. There are of course more possibilities but those two were the only ones I could think of. I`m cautiously optimistic about this movie. I think that`s all I had to say. Now, if you excuse me, I just finished making one hundred pancakes and I`m gonna feed them all to my pet bunny. Feel free to disagree but try to keep it civil. *At least by the time I`m writing this **Kingdom Hearts because they do more faithful 2D to 3D translations and Pocket princesses because it has better characterbased Disney Princess jokes. 

***After repeated viewings of this scene I saw that they technically did try to preserve as much as possible of her hair curve in the new design. It just looked like an ordinary hair bun in the offical stills. My mistake.