#you know... learning to internalize that i don't NEED to be cis in any way has been so freeing

[so-i-did-this-thing]

I hope this isn't invasive or weird, but do you have any advice or anything for someone who tried to transition but it sort've...didn't work? I don't have a name to put to it, but apparently I have something with my body where it just doesn't absorb things the way it's supposed to. I was put on the highest dose of testosterone they could safely give me, and other than making my voice just *slightly* deeper - not enough to pass - and making me fuzzy, it did nothing. I was basically told that was about as good as it was going to get and I'd never actually be passing. I've been trying to detransition but that isn't really working well either, mostly due to the inaccessibility of the doctors my insurance actually cover to someone who can't pay three hundred dollars a visit just for gas to get there because of how far they are. I tried doing the nonbinary thing but that's just...not me. I can't be an inbetween. I want to just be one thing or the other, and it's incredibly frustrating to not be able to just...do that. Especially when I know the ability and resources are THERE, they're just not accessible to *me*. Seeing people who have done it successfully and are living their best lives both makes me feel hopeful, but also makes me just feel more jealous and frustrated because I can't be that. I don't know if you might have any advice for someone who is in a situation like I am, but if you did, I'd be thankful for it.

Your frustration is very real and it sounds like there's a lot of internal and external obstacles you face. I wouldn't recommend going it alone - a therapist or community group can help you figure out a path forward. Assuming you want to try remaining living as a man: I'd encourage you to seek out other folks who cannot medically transition, or who are on HRT and stay on it, despite not passing. Also look at trans-friendly detransitioner communities. You may also want to research testosterone in different forms (if you have not already) - I'm not sure what you started with -- gel, injection, etc.

I am not in your situation, but I do think a lot about how I'd try to comfort myself if I could no longer be on HRT and wished to remain living as a man. My own checklist is:

Get whatever surgeries I need to ward off dysphoria

Get serious about voice training (I know my voice would not change back, but it still gives me dysphoria)

Double down on wardrobe & style

Cultivate new gender envies in men who share a lot of my physical traits, especially the ones that give me dysphoria (I really need to do this more anyway, it's been good for me)

Remind myself that trans men have existed and still exist who never went on HRT

Surround myself with people who still affirm me

I'd also like to very gently ask you to think about how important passing is to your identity and where you set your original passing goals. I've learned a lot about loving my transness and the marks its left on my body from trans woman and nonbinary communities, even though I have a strong male identity as pass for cis (with my clothes on). It's worth spending more time outside of trans masc groups.

I encourage folks in your shoes who have their own thoughts to add on to this post. Please take care, you and everyone in this situation. <3

[giritina]

Lately I've been dipping my toe into the mess that is transandrophobia discourse, and in the process I've been presented with one question in many forms:

"Do trans men experience misogyny?"

My initial answer was "these terms are all theoretical frameworks for a vast range of human experiences, why would you choose to frame your pre-transition experiences as that of a woman?" This makes sense to me, but clearly isn't satisfactory to many of the people sending me anons. As much as I might want to use my own life as a case study, I can't very well tell these people in my asks box "no, you've never experienced something that could be categorized as misogyny." Still, the question bothers me.

I think that's because the question obfuscates the actual debate. It's clear to me the question we are debating is not one of "experience" but "authority." That is:

"Do (binary) trans men understand what it's like to be a woman?"

My answer? No.

How can I justify that when we have, since birth, been raised as women? Well, because we also have, since birth, been trans men. If we cast aside the idea of transness as a modern social contagion or anything other than an innate, sociobiological reality, this has to be true. Even before you ever came out to yourself, you were transgender. Transphobia has dictated every moment of your life. Your idea of what "womanhood" is is not at all the same as a woman's, be it cis or trans. Why? Because a woman does not react to "being a woman" with the dysphoria, dissociation, and profound sense of wrongness that you do. [If you do not experience these things, a cis or trans woman, at the very least, does not identify as a binary trans man.] A woman sincerely identifies as a woman, and identity plays a pivotal role in how we absorb societal messaging.

Let's take homophobia as an example. While any queer person has probably experienced targeted episodes of bigotry, the majority of bigotry we experience must necessarily be broad and social. Boys learn to fear becoming a faggot as a group, but the boy who is a faggot will internalize those messages in a completely different way to the boys who only need learn to assert the heterosexual identity already inherent in them through violence. All of them are suffering to some extent, but their experiences are not at all equivalent. This is despite the fact that they've all absorbed the same message, maybe even at the same moment, through the same events. Still, we don't say that a straight boy knows what it is like to be a gay boy. Similarly, cis women do not know what it is like to be a trans man despite being fed the same transphobic messaging in a superficially identical context. It isn't a stretch to say the same can apply to misogyny.

Because I can't speak for you, I'll use myself as an example for a moment. I'll give my bonafides: I am a gender-nonconforming, T4T queer, white, binary trans man. I am on T, and I have recently come out to my family. I do not pass. My career as a comic writer is tied to my identity as a trans man. I can confidently say I have never been impacted by misogyny the same way as my friends who actually identify as women. This manifested early on as finding it easy to shrug off the messaging that I needed to be X or Y way to be a woman. In fact, most gender roles slid off my back expressly because breaking them gave me euphoria. I was punished in many ways for this, but being this sort of cis woman did help me somewhat. It's easy to be "one of the guys" in a social climbing sense if you really do feel more comfortable as a man. It also helped me disregard misogyny aimed at me or others because it seemed like an shallow form of bigotry. It was something you could shrug off, but it was important for building "unity" among women. I thought this must be the case for all women, that we all viewed misogyny as a sort of "surface level" bigotry. However, for whatever conditional status I gained in this role, there was a clear message that if I did "become" a man, every non-conformist trait about me would just become a grotesque and parodic masculinity.

That was the threat that was crushing me, destroying my identity and self esteem. That was what I knew intimately through systemic, verbal, physical, and sexual abuse. I could express my nonconformity as a cis woman, but if I took it so far as to transition to male? I would be a pathetic traitor, a social outcast. I truly believe that throughout my life people were able to see that I was not just a failed woman, but an emasculated man.

I do partly feel that the sticking point for many is the idea that the sexual abuse suffered by trans men is inherent to womanhood, and therefore inexplicable if trans men are men from birth. While this disregards the long history of sexual abuse of young boys, especially minority boys, I do see the emotional core. I'll offer that the sexual abuse I suffered was intrinsically linked to my emmasculation, my boyishness, despite the fact that I was not out to myself or anyone else. I believe many trans men have suffered being the proxy for cis women's desire for retribution against cis men, or for cis men and women's desire for an eternally nubile young boy. I also believe they have suffered corrective assault that attempts to push them back into womanhood, which in itself is an experience unique to transness rather than actual womanhood.

I'll note quickly that many, many trans men cannot relate to the idea of feeling confident and above it all when it comes to womanhood. Many of you probably tried desperately to conform, working every moment to convince yourself you were a woman and to perfectly inhabit that identity. I definitely experienced this as well (though for me it was specifically attempting to conform to butchness) but I can concede many of you experienced it more than I did. I still believe that this desperate play-acting is also not equivalent to true womanhood. It is a uniquely transgender experience, one that shares much more in common with trans women desperately attempting to conform to manhood than with true womanhood.

One key theme running through the above paragraphs is the idea that "womanhood" is synonymous with "suffering." A trans man must know what it is like to be a woman because he suffers like one. It should be noted that actual womanhood is not a long stretch of suffering. It often involves joy, euphoria, sisterhood, a general love and happiness at being a woman. It wasn't until I admitted to myself I had never been a woman that I was able to see how the women in my life were not women out of obligation, but because they simply were. The idea that you are a woman because you suffer is more alligned with radfem theory than any reality of womanhood.

When I admitted my identity to myself I was truly faced with the ways that my ability to stand up to misogyny did not equate to being anti-misogynist. I was giddy to finally be able to admit to being a man, and suddenly all that messaging that "slid off my back" was a useful tool in my arsenal. Much like cis gay men feel compelled to assert their disgust for vaginas and women after a life of being compelled towards heterosexuality, I felt disgust and aversion to discussions of womanhood as an identity. I didn't even want to engage with female fictional characters. I viewed other people's sincere expressions of their own womanhood as a coded dismissal of my identity. Like many people before and after, I made women into the rhetorical device that had oppressed me. Not patriarchy, not transphobia, but womanhood and women broadly. It wasn't explicit bigotry, but the effects were the same. I had to unlearn this with the help of my bigender partner, who felt unsettled and hurt by the way I could so easily turn "woman" into nothing but a theoretical category which represented my personal suffering.

This brings me to another point: I sometimes receive messages from nonbinary trans mascs telling me that it's absurd to think they don't understand womanhood and identify with misogyny in a deeper way. I would agree that, if you sincerely identify in some capacity as a woman, you are surely impacted by misogyny in a way I am not. However, why are you coming to the defense of binary trans men like me? Less charitably, why are you projecting a female identity on us? Perhaps my experience frustrates you so deeply because we simply do not have the same experience at all. Perhaps we are not all that united by our agab, by our supposed female socialization.

So, no. I do not believe that binary trans men know what it's like to be women. I don't believe we are authorities on womanhood. I do not believe that when a trans woman endeavors to talk about transmisogyny, your counterargument about your own experiences of misogyny is useful. I ESPECIALLY do not believe that it is in any way valid to say that you are less misogynist, less prone to being misogynist, or-- god forbid-- INCAPABLE of misogyny because you were raised as a girl. I also don't believe your misogyny is equivalent to that of a woman's internalized misogyny in form or impact.

For as much as members of the transandrophobia movement downplay privilege as merely "conditional," those conditions do exist. They do place you firmly in the context of the rest of the world. Zoom out and look at the history of oppressed men, and you'll find the same reactionary movement repeated over and over. Attacking the women in your community for not being soft enough, nice enough, patient enough, rather than fighting the powers that be. Why do I believe your identity is more alligned with cis manhood than any form of womanhood? Because this song and dance has been done a hundred times before by men of every stripe. Transphobia is real, and your life experience has been uniquely defined by it since birth. This is a thing to rally around, to fight against, but you all have fallen for a (trans)misogynistic phantasm in your efforts at self-actualization. You are not the first, and you will not be the last. Get out of this pipeline before it's too late.

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

heyy I have a question but I'm kinda embarrassed about it so idk?

how much of a high libido is normal for a teenager? around 15 years? because like I've been taught that puberty makes you horny, but all everyone was always talking and making jokes about was cus males going through that, and I'm not a cis dude

I was just wondering because like it feels wrong sometimes to think about it that much even though it feels good to but like -I also don't really know how to say this- it also feels like I'm using sexual thoughts and fantasies and stuff to distract myself and to repress the stuff going on in my life? like I can feel my brain switch from "I'm gonna have a breakdown" to "how about horny?" in a couple of seconds and idk if that's normal? or healthy for that matter lol

idk what to say have a nice day and any advice is appreciated<3

(do you do named anons? if so, can I be fox anon?)

hi fox anon,

I'm actually going to direct you to an ask from a shrimp anon, where we had a little chat about hypersexuality and how to know if your sex drive is too high. (spoiler alert: if you're not actively ruining your own life in the pursuit of sex, it's probably not!)

there are definitely the most stereotypes about cis teenage boys being horny, but it's very normal for people with any gender identity, genitalia, and hormones to be extremely interested in sex during their teen years. (and of course, it's also normal not to be interested at all!) this is the part of your life where everybody's bodies are reaching sexual maturity, and it's extremely EXTREMELY normal to have a burning curiosity to go along with that.

it's also very normal to have a lot of Large emotions and feel like they can switch on a dime; that's the power of Hormones, babey! you're experiencing a lot of internal hormonal situations and external social stresses for the first time, and your brain is learning how to process all that.

I have a friend who's only a few months old, so when he gets overwhelmed he doesn't know how to handle that and usually just cries about it because he's brand new and doesn't have any other coping mechanisms. of course, you have a lot more experience than a guy who's brand new and you know way more coping mechanisms than he does, but you're in a somewhat similar position of having to handle a LOT of new shit and not knowing how to cope with it yet. sometimes what's going to happen is just pivoting hard from one big feeling to another - in some cases, from the pits of despair straight to horny jail.

is it possible to become overly reliant on sexual stimulation as a form of self-soothing? sure, of course. it's possible to become overly reliant on anything; absolutely any positive behavior can become detrimental if it's performed to extremity. again, read that ask I linked!

but pivoting from a breakdown to jacking off isn't a bad idea. it can help you calm down, can be a great transition into a nap or sleep, and pops off a little burst of dopamine and oxytocin that's probably very badly needed if you're on the verge of a breakdown. of course it's ideal to have other healthy outlets for when you're feeling bad - making art or doing something else with your hands, doing some enjoyable physical activity, talking with friends or family, keeping a journal - but as one part of a larger diet of support and coping mechanism, horny behavior is great, normal, and very healthy.

[mariii1]

( ʃƪ˘ﻬ˘)(˘ ε˘ʃƪ) What's your sexuality (like)? 18+ (´ε｀ )♡

..........sooo i need to get out of the pattern of making time based promises, I've lied every damn time 😭😭 We'll see when the next pac will come out since im probably gonna do a lot more choices. Let me know if this resonated!

1. There might be something taboo you're holding back. You might not have delved a lot into your sexuality which isn't inherently bad but there might be a specific part you feel ashamed about. For some you this is about a fetish or your orientation for others its just shame that comes from purity culture/r@pe culture. To get rid of this is different for most, for a lot of you time and gaining more experience in life in general will help you feel more comfotable and for others you may need to take a more active role in getting rid of your conditioning. Y'all might be like me where your into our want to get into fetishgear like latex and maybe want to learn bondage but you may feel isolated in who to talk to and where to go. Getting past these anxious thoughts and actually doing your research is what's gonna help you, you might be procrastinating on this because of your own internal conflict.

2. Lord have mercy...You DO NOT want a romantic relationship or a family 😭😭 its coming through stroonnggly. I think some of y'all could be aro and don't know it. People might've told you you're cold hearted or weird for not wanting to date. For some this is toxic because you don't communicate that you don't want romance to people, which ya needa start if you don't. Yeah some of you in this group might have problems being honest either with yourself or other people. There may be pressure to fit in when there's no real harm if you don't, in this case at least. A lot of you don't believe in traditional relationships or just have no desire for romance. A lot of you are planning to be childless when you're older and if you're thinking about getting sterilized, it might be something to start thinking about seriously.

3. Oooohhh someone KNOWS fr what they want. You have this huge boundary and expectations of what you want and this couod for anything: hooking up, sex with a partner, casual dating, etc. Because of this though you might not have been in a relationship for a very long time. You're very headstrong about this and want a fair and equal relationship. I'm specifically getting a lot of femmes in this pile who are fed up with cis men. I don't have any other comments for you, you seem set in this mindset and if its working for you, great! 👍🏽

4. Me 😜 JK tbh i might be your type for some of y'all the same way I think Che Guevara is finee😩 I'm also getting hopeless romantic from this pile but ive never seen that stereotype as something positive and I feel like in this case you guys pine after people a lot but don't try to make any moves. I feel like you could have multiple crushes currently ir multiple ppl u got ur eye on but you haven't even said hi or anything to them yet. As a fellow introvert and someone who's just starting to try to make friends I get it, but it's time to get out of this mindset and just make the first move even if ppl don't like you or they don't turn out as great as you thought.

Rainbow divider @enchanthings

[saintjosie]

hi!! fanfic writing person here again :D

i've been looking at a ton of stuff and first like. damn i didn't expect me headcanoning a character as transfem to lead me down a rabbit hole where i now 1. have loads of random knowledge on transfem issues and 2. have a massive amount of respect for transfem people and understanding of the differences in experience of different trans people. wonderful actually. your stuff has been super helpful tysm

actual question! how do i go about using femininity as a marker of transition without falling into gender roles? do you think that's disrespectful? because like. wearing makeup, 'feminine' clothes, that kind of thing-- functionally no bearing on someone's womanhood. but those are, to my understanding, big hallmarks of transfem experiences. i don't want to say that wearing makeup or a dress makes her suddenly feel wonderful and pretty and solves all her woes, but i also don't want to downplay the significance of that experience. ideally, how do you think those should be balanced? basically how do i make her feminine without it seeming like a certain level of femininity is required to be trans.

generally, are there any experiences you think would be helpful to know? i'm writing a lot about her (currently two fics on different effects of HRT as an adult, and two on her gender being affirmed as a teen when she had taken basically no steps in her transition) so any insight is helpful. ideally what would you want portrayed in a non-transfem author writing a trans girl? idk!

i understand that these are very big asks so once again don't feel pressured to reply-- thank you regardless! generally looking at your content as a trans woman has been super helpful so thank you so much for sharing <3 best wishes!

"how do i go about using femininity as a marker of transition without falling into gender roles?"

you cant! but why do you need to? a core part of the trans experience is experimenting with gender, stereotypical or not. so many trans fems (including myself) start off by leaning very hard into stereotypical femininity because they are things that many of us have not previously explored. and then a core part of that journey is learning that there is no right way to explore gender. i spent years leaning into being femme until i realized i was more comfortable with a little bit of fluidity and androgyny. i think the most authentic experience would be to have her explore femininity, stereotypical or not, and then eventually coming to terms with how she is a woman outside of stereotypical femininity. two experiences that i think might be a good way to introduce this concept is one, the gender affirming experience of being included as one of the girls. there's a lot of nuance to that experience that people dont necessarily consider. there is the self doubt of, oh am i really one of the girls or are they just humoring me? and also for some there is the need to feel like they need to confirm to expectations of femininity, and leaning too hard into it.

second, the experience of experiencing misogny for the first time. i specifically say misogny because a lot of trans women have face homophobia and transphobia before they experience misogyny that validates them as a woman and for many people there can be this sudden awareness of how different the world is when you move through it as a woman. there is your typical run of the mill, this guy is a dick misogny but then there is also that experience of facing internalized misogny from other women. the experience of being told by cis women how to engage with femininity because a lot of cis women haven't deconstructed that for themselves is an experience that can be particularly hurtful because it is infantilization and misogny that is also incredibly invalidating.

third, when youre talking about gender affirming experiences from pre-transition, there's a lot of nuance to those experience because while they are gender affirming, there is confliction too. for some theres the question of why do i like this? and you also have to consider that many times those experiences that happen to a person who sees themselves as a boy. there is a level of separation from the experience because they havent necessarily embraced transness yet, and if they have, theres tentativeness because being in your teens is all about forming identity.

if you can capture these experiences in your writing, then fantastic! but also these are hard to capture because often times it takes lived experience to write it with nuance. love these questions and happy to answer! good luck with your writing!

[xviistrings]

I feel like fanning some flames today.... Why do you hate N_oto (a) I'm rly curious ,':^

i would like to answer this calmly and rationally. i would really like to. but i'm going to be angry (and will use they/them for naoto)

naoto is a shit character no matter what angle you view them from. a major aspect of their story is struggling with being taken seriously in their line of work because they are both a child and female; the gender aspect is especially relevant to naoto, since the child thing is kind of just a problem that solves itself........

naoto's gender is a widely debated topic among fans. some people see them as a trans man because of naoto's desire to be viewed as a man, some see them as a cis woman because that's just the conclusion they come to at the end, some see them as a trans woman because it feels like naoto is forcing themselves to go back in the closet but they can't fight their true feelings, some see them as nonbinary because they don't want to be a woman but they also show discomfort being a man....

yeah i've heard every single argument for every single kind of different gender identity naoto could have and i've concluded that no matter what angle you look at it from, naoto is still a shit character.

this isn't to invalidate anyones headcanons, idc do what you want forever, but naoto WAS meant to be written as a cis girl. but they did such a shit job at writing them as such that believing they're otherwise is so so understandable

naoto is apparently supposed to have internalized misogyny. we never even see a hint of that like we do with everyone else. we see chie be pushy about getting the mc's opinion on yukiko because of her jealousy towards her, we see yukiko being very gloomy when she's busy with the inn, etc i don't wanna list everything it's late rn

naoto's screen time is mostly spent on them just kinda. detectiving around. that's not bad and it's a very proper introduction, it's just that.......... there are scenes where naoto hangs around the entire investigation team, including the girls. if their hatred is so internalized to the point where its affected their outward appearance, is it that much of a stretch to say that they'd also project their hatred outwards?

like. yk. being rude to the girls and not accepting their input on discussions. that would've been an interesting trait to introduce to this supposedly respectable and polite smart detective guy. and later on, when we discover the source of that behaviour, it makes a lot more sense than it just suddenly being thrust on us.

plus, it would give them a flaw for them to overcome via apologizing to the girls and attempting to engage in femininity in a healthy and positive way. it doesn't have to be that long of an arc, i know there was very little time between naoto's dungeon and the namatame stuff, but it really could have been as simple as a scene or two of naoto bonding with the girls, changes to preexisting ones (COUGH COUGH BEAUTY PAGEANT), and then their social link deals with the rest.

like. dude.

i get what they were trying to go for, honestly, but i just wish they handled it better. if a lot of persona 4's jokes weren't outlandishly sexist and at the expense of the girls, maybe i could absolutely get on board with a lovely story about a girl recovering from a life of self hatred and insecurity and learning that she doesn't need to have a stick up her ass all the time, and that she has a whole group of friends that will accept her for who she is beyond gender, beyond age, beyond any other labels and the expectations placed on her because of them. that would be really really nice if we had that.

but we do not. i don't think naoto really feels like part of the friend group most of the time. it's kind of the same problem haru has where she's introduced very late and not given nearly enough time to develop before we get right into the final arc of the story. naoto helps with the investigations, sure, but otherwise naoto doesn't really get to be in too much of the team bonding moments. maybe that's an issue that gets fixed in golden? idk? i only played vanilla

the thing that really pisses me off about naoto is not just that they're underdeveloped; i love a lot of underdeveloped characters and i like exploring their potential. it's that the main element of naoto's story is handled so clumsily that it makes me wonder what the fuck they were trying to say in the first place!!!!

naoto doesn't want to pretend to be a man anymore and they want to be a woman. so here are several scenes of them being visibly uncomfortable when experiencing womanhood. naoto doesn't want to follow any gender norms and just wants to be themselves before a label. so let's have one of the flags for their romance route be a dialogue option saying you'd only like them if they were feminine. what are you doing guys

i'm rewriting naoto in my head all the time . i've seen a billion tboy naotos but i think i can do cis girl naoto justice. and i will do it because without this naoto will just piss me off forever and ever and ever. ugh

[tanadrin]

Hey... sorry if this is too much, but im a baby trans and ive been struggling to grasp the concept what gender is, everytime i try to look for a definition i only find the vague basics like "its what you identify as!" Or i find bigoted shit from trasphobes. If you have any recommendations of essays about gender from trans people who dive deeper unto the concept it would really help. Sorry if im bothering you i just dont really know who else to ask 😅

i don't know how helpful i can be. i have a very instrumental view of transition--i.e., if you think it might make you happier than you are now, you should give it a try and see. i think a lot of pointless verbiage is spilled on trying to nail down difficult-to-elucidate questions about purely internal experiences, about the distinction between gender and sex, and about what all this gender stuff means anyway. i think that stuff can be interesting to discuss, if you like that sort of thing (and i do!) but that loading yourself up with a lot of gender theory isn't actually useful for figuring out what you should do vis a vis your gender presentation and how you identify.

for those latter questions, i think the answer is simple: what makes you happier? when you imagine a given gender presentation, or your body being different in certain ways, or people calling you by a certain name, does that sound appealing? doesn't matter why. if so, go for it! and frankly this advice is quite agnostic of whether or not you're cis or trans. people should adopt the identities that feel most conducive to their happiness. you do not need elaborate theoretical justifications for any of it. anyone who demands an elaborate theoretical justification for how you dress or what name you choose to use or anything like that is an asshole whose opinion you can safely ignore. i guarantee you they are selective in this demand, and are only using it to try to find an excuse to be a dick.

that said, you want a definition of gender, and i guess i can try.

"gender" has no definition. that's not meant to be a smart aleck answer. what i mean is: "gender" is a conceptual category. conceptual categories do not exist outside of our discourse about them. there is nowhere in the world you can go to lay your hands on A Gender. there is no Gender Particle. and while in most philosophical traditions we think of categories as having necessary and sufficient conditions for membership ("a human is an animal descended from the last common ancestor of humans and chimpanzees" might be such a taxonomic definition), conceptual categories aren't actually constructed that way. because that's not how the human brain actually works: when you're a kid learning what words mean, you don't learn "a chair is a thing with four legs you sit on." that wouldn't be accurate anyway (a horse is not a chair). you see lots of chairs and pictures of chairs and you form an image in your mind of what a chair is and when you see a thing your brain compares it to other things like it you've seen before, and if it looks like your mental model of a chair, you think, "chair."

(this is in fact how almost all definitions work in practice. even for formal scientific categories for which it seems like a traditional definition might be workable, because our terms are so specific, there are problems and corner-cases. is a HeLa cell a human? it's certainly an autonomous organism. it's certainly descended from the last common ancestor of a chimpanzee and a human being. but it's a single-celled organism that exists only in laboratory cultures, and lacks everything else we expect a human to have.)

so, uh, gender. "gender" is from the latin word "genus" meaning "kind." it is a doublet (that is, shares an etymological origin) with the words "genre" and (more distantly) "kin." obviously, a word's etymology is not its meaning. confusing the two is called the etymological fallacy. but originally when we talked about "gender" we were pretty explicitly talking about categories in general, and i think that's useful to keep in mind. incidentally, "sex" (also from Latin) has a similar etymology--it's related to "section," i.e., the creation of a category by dividing a group. though "sex" acquired something like its current meaning much earlier.

most human cultures group humans into two broad conceptual categories. this is based on a variety of traits, of which physical traits like genitals are seen as frequently foundational. some cultures explicitly create additional ancillary categories, or provide a means to move (often only partially) from one category to another. contemporarily, there has been an effort to distinguish "biological sex" (seen as what chromosomes you have, reflected by what genitals and other physical characteristics you have) from "gender" (seen as a question of social presentation).

i think this is a mistake. you might be able to spot why--biological sex is a conceptual category! most humans are xx or xy, but there is in fact a wide variety of sex-chromosomal arrangements that are possible. xx and xy are only the most common. biology is messy, and it's hard to tell how messy, because we don't routinely karyotype people. the existence of rare-but-noteworthy conditions like complete androgen insensitivity (frequently reuslting in a chromosomal "male" that is "mis"identified as and lives their whole life as a female) highlight that even within the purely biological realm, sex emerges only as two broad clusters, not as two clearly divided bins. moreover, a trans person who has been taking cross-sex hormones for many years is in a sort of willingly-imposed intersex state. so saying a trans woman is a "biological male" or a trans man is a "biological female" (especially if they have had an orchiectomy or hysterectomy and can no longer produce gametes of their respective assigned sex at birth) is sort of funny--we're privileging an (assumed) chromosomal arrangement over the biological facts on the ground. and while DNA does control a lot about how our bodies grow and develop, it can in fact be overridden! otherwise, cosmetic surgery, or hair dye, or LASIK surgery would all be exercises in futility.

"gender" is sometimes also talked about as a set of internal experiences. you "feel like" or "identify as" a particular gender. and while it's certainly plainly true for some people (both cis and trans), it seems not to be true of everybody (cis or trans), and for other people it's hard to say. not everybody has perfect access to their own feelings all the time. people get told they're lying about what they feel when that's socially inconvenient for other people. and internal states are impossible to measure or verify. they're also often pretty hard to put into words, and we mostly can access them only indirectly, by sidling up to them, or by trying to find other people whose experiences/thoughts/feelings seem to resonate with our own.

so i don't have a definition of gender for you, or an etiology, or even a very robust account. sorry! but i also think that anybody trying to tell you they do is operating from an understanding so narrow that they don't even begin to understand its limits.

[kanguin]

I should be heading inside the store right now to pick up a prescription, but instead I'm sitting in my car blasting my AC still trying to grapple with what my therapist told me a few weeks ago.

It all started when I mentioned that in response to unchangeable, inescapable negative situations, I have always opted to change how I feel about the situation, rather than put up a fight against it. Ever since I can remember, my rationale has always been that if I have no power over a situation that makes me miserable, then I should simply change what I can: how I feel. Because that way, I am no longer miserable. This made logical sense because

A) being miserable is bad and is to be avoided at all costs, and

B) fighting unchangeable circumstances is a waste of energy, especially when you already aren't the most energetic person.

Mom's dating a guy I don't like because he's overwhelming to me? I don't know that he's going to turn out to be abusive, but I also don't know how to explain that I'm being overstimulated by a grown man with untreated bipolar disorder, I'm fucking 4 years old. So I'll just make myself like him, find the fun parts. Mom's marrying this guy and wants us to be a complete family? I don't know how to articulate that I don't feel incomplete, I'm like 5. So I make myself hype him up as the best stepdad in the world for a bit. I'm attending summer camp and for some reason want to board with the girls instead of the boys? Well obviously they have us separate for a reason, it makes no sense for me, a "boy" to want that, I'll find things to enjoy here.

Over and over again I would meet insurmountable odds and just adapt rather than fight. That's why I've never known righteous anger. And I used to think that was good! I used to, until very recently, see myself as exceptionally lucky that since as far back as I can remember I've been so adaptable, so agreeable, and so easy going. How lucky am I, that when faced with intense stress, I get MORE rationally minded and LESS emotional, so that I can bypass that whole anger nonsense and focus on the problem at hand if it's actually fixable.

Bringing it back to my therapist though, she popped that bubble. She says, through no fault of my own nor even the adults around me, I have repeatedly denied myself the ability to develop an internal identity, a sense of self separate from the outside world. I already knew that I had a weak sense of self, but like, I thought it was no big deal, I still exist and obviously have consistent, observable traits, I'm in just not great at reading it myself, you know? So I've always turned to friends to get their opinion on who I am. It's always worked for me, people have always given me descriptions of who I am, so it's fine. Right?

But as I'm sure you're guessing, if anyone's reading this, no, it's not fine. By repeatedly denying myself the development of a distinct internal sense of who I am as a person, I have made it next to impossible to know what I desire to pursue in life, and what I need to feel fulfilled. And by repeatedly adapting instead of fighting at every seemingly insurmountable problem, I never learned how to fight and when I need to fight.

By not having a sense of self, I could not identify that I wasn't cis until I was 18 years old, and then for 10 more years I couldn't identify that I wasn't happy in a morphologically male body. Like, sure, if all but my genitals was magically made into a "woman's" body, the yeah I'd be down for that, but eh I can't be bothered to go through the whole transition thing, how bad could I want that really. Aren't I perfectly content where I am now, simply identifying outside the gender binary? Why bother going through all that if I can't be certain that I'd like that any more than this? When in reality I simply do not know what it feels like to love my body.

I'll be honest this is a lot to grapple with and I'm still not sure what to do now. My next appointment is near the end of the month, so we'll talk more then, but just. My whole worldview of what I thought was fine is just kinda shattered. And I really don't know where to start in undoing the damage I did to myself without even realizing it. I still feel weirdly guilty for wanting things that are a lot to ask of people, because I've never, or at the very least never consistently, put myself first. Like how the hell do you even approach your best friend and say that you want to spend your life not just with your romantic partner, but with them as well, without feeling guilty about asking so much from them? Like, I did it, it's something we've discussed now, but god, asking that much of people feels wrong, I don't want to inconvenience anyone, not remotely.

It's all so insane because, to my knowledge, I wasn't ever punished for wanting things. I trained myself to not want things all on my own. I noticed I didn't get everything I asked for for birthday and Christmas? Makes sense, that's a good lesson for kids to learn, etc. But then I started paying attention to what I would and wouldn't get each year. I followed the patterns. And then I started training myself to look through LEGO magazines talking myself out of wanting ANYTHING I couldn't either afford with allowance or wouldn't likely get for Christmas. So to go from that mindset, so deeply rooted in my brain, to suddenly advocating for myself outside of emotional bursts of desperation... It's so alien, it feels so wrong to want things, to want people, to make any sort of requests, or god forbid, demands, of others.

I hope one day this post is just as alien to me as those feelings are now. I don't know how I'll get there, or where "there" is, or what that would look or feel like. But. Hope. I hope.

[askanallo]

Hi! I don't know if this ask will make any sense, sorry if it doesn't.

I'm asexual, aromantic and agender and there is something i don't get about hetero/homosexual and romantic attraction.

Gender is a social construct and is something you feel on the inside (I'm guessing here, correct me if I'm wrong) and gender presentation is the way you present to the outside world (clothing, mannerisms, etc.). So how can you be attracted to a specific gender, what is the difference between a masc presenting man, woman or an enby. Have you ever been attracted to someone who you thought was a man, but later learned wasn't? and if so did that information change your attraction to them?

Thank you in advance! This has been in my head for a while and I needed to get it out.

Jesus, this is not an easy question. I feel like there's probably academic literature on this topic, or at least a few articles by people with Gender Studies PhDs. You might be better off looking up that stuff, as this goes quite a bit beyond the scope of one person's experiences.

I don't really know whether to put a content warning or what here? Just be aware this is a cis person talking about gender.

A closeted trans woman and a cis man look the same. I could be attracted to someone who's actually a woman without knowing, despite being heterosexual. I don't think the internal feeling people have of their gender is actually very relevant to attraction, which is a process that goes on in another person's head.

I'm also not super sure about gender presentation. My boyfriend has definitely been into me even when I had no make-up on, was completely unshaved, and was dressed head to toe in men's clothes (...that I took from his closet lmao), including boxers. About the only feminine thing on me was my semi-long hair, and I don't really style it. If it was mostly about clothes and styling, I don't think he would have liked kissing me while dressed like that.

…so what's it really about? I'm not really sure whether I can actually answer this question. I'm not sure how gender-based my attraction even is. If my boyfriend came out to me as nonbinary but looked the same, or maybe experimented with fashion a bit or something, I'd continue being attracted to him. But if he started changing his (visible/percieved) sex through hormones and surgery while still identifying as a man then, I don't know. I don't think I would be into him? But I couldn't say that with 100% certainty.

Doesn't help that I'm in a regressive society where attraction is absolutely viewed through the lens of sex and where I don't really get into contact with trans and gnc people. Everyone I've talked to and been attracted to has been cis to my knowledge, so that probably informs the way I view my attraction in more ways than I consciously know. There is very likely queer literature about these topics, and there's definitely a few Tumblr posts - I'd probably go looking there if you want more experiences. Ones with way more perspective, probably. If you are genuinely interested in this topic, you will have to continue looking if you want a conclusion. I'm sorry.

[oldmanhorseface]

I've got a very complicated relationship to womanhood as a transmasc system, and Uses of the Erotic by Audre Lorde fixed me.

It's an essay that I highly recommend discussing uses of the erotic. Though, in Lorde's definition, it isn't just sexual material. In fact, there is little focus on sex at all. Rather, it focuses on reclaiming pleasure, physical and not, for ourselves, and to embrace this as fuel to better our lives.

And in the beginning, Lorde discusses the nature of white patriachy, and how this system uses the pornographic - pleasure without feeling - to oppress. Women are viewed as as objects for the pleasure of men, who cannot have any pleasure for their own. The ideal is set at a woman who is ultimately an object, who is fully disconnected from herself and from her needs.

And she argued this is the overall goal because once you connect to the erotic - to the intimacy within yourself found in pleasures of all shapes and sizes - you can demand absolutely nothing less from all that you do. And that is extremely detrimental to white patriarchy, to have women who are dedicated to their self-fulfillment, and who demand from others to be treated in ways that suit them and not the patriarchy. (This is a terrible summary, please read the essay!)

I think very often about the concept of the cop in your head. The colonizer, the misogynist, whatever. The internalized structure of oppression you use to oppress yourself. Your expectations for yourself - what you want, who you think you should be, what future you think the world should have - are so tied to further that on such base levels, from gendering your body parts to what you even think it means to be a man or a woman. To have her call that out and to invite a framework outside of it fucking rattled my brain into being normal. Like, genuinely, I do not think I've ever felt like a man until then, specifically because like… yeah, no, my body is not a woman's body. My body is a man's body, because I am a man. The idea that it's a woman's body is what is fed to me by white patriarchy, because every barrier they can place between me and my inner peace is a method of keeping me under control.

Further, as a black transmasc - black women are generally very masculinized under white patriarchy, so much of black womanhood and black femininity becomes about reclaiming this. The first 20 years of my life were spent wrenching womanhood from white patriarchy, in learning how to find the feminine through that forced masculinization. That isn't something you can just leave. I would not know how to be a man if I had not been a woman first and the idea of these two things being opposed is, once again, the work of white patriarchy. Who does it serve to set these parts of myself at odds? To hate the woman who spent years trying to feel herself in the face of being made a non-person. Certainly not me.

I am a man, I'd like SRS, I love the way my body looks and feels on testosterone. But I also know womanhood; I know gathering together, i know finding alternative solutions, I know demanding and making waves because you're expected to be quiet. Those are just as much part of how I navigate life as they were before I started HRT.

I do not know how to view the world like a cis man because I'm not one, and I frankly don't want to be one. I only know life as an act of creation - making something for yourself in face of being marginalized. And so, too, my manhood is best expressed as an act of creation. I would never want to have been born a man, to that end, because there is so much core to me that could only be obtained from being a woman that I just wouldn't even be the same person anymore.

[viridiandruid]

So I wanted to wait until after Pride to send this post, because I didn't want to bring down the feeling of celebration and solidarity that comes with June. This post is gonna have a lot of personal baggage and bleh in it that I'm sure no one wants to hear or read, but it'll be under the cut if you really feel up to it.

We all make jokes about July being Gay Wrath month. But I'd like to propose a case for making it Gay Envy. There are things I want that I'll never have, and I've gotta be okay with that. Sometimes that's just how it is.

Obviously, envy is far from something with positive connotations. But I think there are those of us out there who are a bit envious of the others in the queer community who seem to have gotten a least a little luck in some department or another. And that's what envy is, "a feeling of discontented or resentful longing aroused by someone else's possessions, qualities, or luck" according to Oxford Languages.

And I think it's healthy for us to acknowledge some of the concrete things that we wish had gone better in our lives.

I'm jealous of the queer folks who had supportive parents, the kind that go to pride with them and are so overwhelmed with love for queer people that they offer free hugs and surrogate status as a mother or father to those who don't have them. I wish my parents had been that type, instead of the kind that I will never come out to because I know they already hate gay and trans people on principle and part of me still feels a longing to be accepted home.

I'm envious of the queer kids I know who have loving and accepting family members that are religious, even those in Christian families. I hop onto Facebook every odd week and see Christian adults who grew up in the church praising, being thankful, and unconditionally accepting their queer child. Going to far as helping them make Coming Out announcements, buying them pride flags and helping them navigate life just like any other teenager should.

I'm jealous of the ones who got to date in middle and high school and act like every other teenager, going to school dances and even prom with someone they actually liked. I'm jealous of the ones who felt they didn't need it.

I'm envious of the queer folks who were born in the conventionally attractive category. Those who get by with abs, or a beard, or a good figure, or fall neatly into a category that receives praise instead of stuck in between a bunch of categories and thus qualifies for none of them.

I'm jealous of the queer folks who fall solidly outside of them, who easily define themselves as not having those traits. Those who are fat and unashamed, who are smooth and effeminate. Those who find their own community by the layer of otherness that comes with not being "Exactly Like" their accepted gender identity.

I'm envious of the men who are simply masculine, both cis and trans. Those who have deep voices that instantly identify them, who grow beards, and muscles, and chest hair, and broad shoulders. I wish I had some of those things, that I didn't get called "ma'am" when taking orders over a McDonald's intercom or asked if I'm trans by every passerby who has decided I "don't pass enough"

I'm jealous of the men who are certainly not. Who embrace their feminine sides and have smoothness and joy in distancing themselves from masculinity. Those who can engage in drag and not be held back by their bodies.

I'm envious of those gay and bi men who can pass as straight by virtue of their masculinity, who have the option to keep the secret if they want to, instead of being me who gets outed just by the way I talk or stand or hold myself while thinking. I enjoy the "as if you didn't know" jokes when Pride rolls around, but I wish it was a joke I didn't need.

Perhaps a lot of these are internalized homophobia that I need to work through. Or perhaps a strain of learned transphobia that I haven't quite shaken off yet. Some of them are definitely tied to my own body issues and aren't the fault of any of the categories mentioned or otherwise. They are my issues and mine alone. They need work, I'm far from perfect. But at least I can say them out loud to myself and acknowledge that I don't need to be perfect to be me.

And I guess this is a letter to the others out there too. Those of you who are envious. Who talk about body positivity and self-love but still struggle to love and accept yourselves. I see you. You're not alone. Because I'm still going through the same fight.

I keep telling myself that "after I move out I'll change something" or "after I graduate college and become more financially independent" or even "maybe I'll get to it by the time my siblings graduate and move on". I keep moving my goals posts, which is definitely a problem. There are people I've never fully admitted to about being gay, there are others who just know by the way I act, and some who saw the signs but decided that didn't change how I should be seen as a person (and I treasure them the most).

I hope everyone had a happy Pride. And I hope that if you chose to accept my pitch for Gay Envy, we have a growing experience seeing each other struggle and knowing we're not in it alone.

[fox-daddy]

Incorrect quotes now with my MC's because nobody can stop me.

TW: swearing, mild nsfw jokes

Hunter: You know Julian, because of pregnant people the average number of skeletons inside a person is never one

Julian: what the f-

valdemar: no, let them speak

~~~

Asra: your future self is watching you through your memor-

Julian: not if I drink enough alcohol. Take that you prying creep!

~~~

Asra: for some reason people are scared of staring into the vast depths of the ocean that is actually only a few miles deep. Yet find comfort staring into the endless abyss that is the sky above us

Kyle: that's because gravity doesn't drag you into the abyss

The Magician: not yet :)

Kyle: And what the fuck does that mean?

~~~

Bluebell: someone has drunk more alcohol than anyone else in the world and they don't even know it.

Lucio: of course I know him, he's me

~~~

Asra: what is C for?

Hunter dressed up as cookie monster: C4 is a fucking explosive

Asra: No, what is, C, for?

Hunter:... C is for Cock

Asra: what's your costume?

Hunter: cookie monster

~~~

Hunter holding a gun to a mushroom: tell me- tell me the name of god you fungal piece of shit!

Mushroom: can you feel your heat burning? can you feel the struggle within? the fear within me is beyond anything your soul can make. You cannot kill me in a way that matters

Hunter cocks gun tears streaming down their face: I'M NOT FUCKING SCARED OF YOU

Julian: hey, Hunter, what the fuck does this mean?

Hunter: decay exists as an extant form of life

Julian: That's a- that's a terrifying answer, have a nice day

~~~

Hunter: I love cheating, if you don't cheat what the hell is wrong with you?

Nadia: have you ever been cheated on?

Hunter: Oh shit, I forgot some people are in relationships. To clarify I love to violate academic integrity on exams

~~~

Bluebell: top hats imply the existence of a bottom hat

Kyle: cat ears

Hunter: why would you say something so controversial yet so brave?

~~~

Kyle: how to start discourse. 'insert favorite person' is a 'insert favorite Hogwarts house'

Hunter: Julian is a power-bottom and not enough people talk about it

Kyle: I don't think that sentence starts discourse so much as ends any conversation before it even starts

~~~

Hunter: nature documentary but the narration is just weird enough to make you question it

Bluebell: Some fish can walk out of water, so remember that next time

Kyle: you might think your safe, but horses are omnivores

~~~

Hunter: standing up and blacking out for a few seconds is just transitioning from a cutscene to the actual gameplay

Julian: you need to eat some salt is what that means

~~~

Hunter: the cis are all like 'but won't children be confused' but every interaction I've ever had with a child who didn't know what to call me has gone verbatim like this

"why are you wearing a dress"

"because I can"

"Okay. Do you like animals?"

Bluebell: kids are very busy and have got much more important things to think about, such as their favorite animals

~~~

Hunter: okay, brain, don't freak out, but we've come across a minor inconvenience

Hunter's brain already dousing itself in gasoline: that's unfortunate

~~~

Kyle with ADHD, ASD and mild dyspraxia/Dislexia: I'll stop making jokes about mental illness, when mental illness stops making a joke out of me *laugh slowly turns into pained chuckle*

~~~

Kyle: isn't it crazy how depending on your mental state you can either spill a glass of water and be like 'HAHAHA OOPS CLUMBSY ME' or spill a glass or water and be like 'MY LIFE IS A FUCKING NIGHTMARE, I DESTORY EVERYTHING I TOUCH, NO ONE WILL EVER LOVE ME AND MY WET FUCKING FLOOR'

~~~

Kyle: It's Halloween let's do something REALLY SCARY

Hunter: we could go to bed early and be alone with our thoughts

~~~

Kyle when trying to force themselves to learn something they have no care about nor interest in;

~~~

Hunter: why do I feel terrible?

hunter's body: coffee is not a meal, eat a vegetable, sleep, PLEASE!!!

Hunter: guess I'll never know

Hunter's body screaming internally: Oh my god!!!

~~~

Kyle: checking the clock before starting something*

Kyle's ADHD: well it's 9:14 which might as well be 9:30 and that's basically 10 which is almost 11 and I have to be in bed by 11 so I don't have time to start anything

~~~

Kyle: everyone is so much taller than me, I get to be picked up so often, just whenever I want! I just have to ask and it's GREAT! Now if only I could actually see where I was going through this stupid crowd.

Portia: I will make them pay for the way I was treated. The streets will run red with the blood of those who mocked me. All shall perish before the rage of the opressed. My vengeance draws near-

[toastling]

Y'know, I've seen a fair bit of critique of this and posts like this mostly boiling down to some variation of "And where is this mythical imperfect ally?", and honestly, I think it just goes to show what part of the problem is. They're everywhere, dude. Offline. And every time I see that sort of critique I'm like, what a tone deaf way to callout just how terminally online you are dude, because this is almost everybody I've ever interacted with irl at work, in stores, on the street, on vacation.

I know it's hard to believe, but most people aren't terminally online like us. They have no clue about any of the stupid-ass debates the left and queer community is having - not even with anybody important or on the fence about them - but having with themselves. The lesbians debating and tearing down trans women, the leftists throwing not-as-left-as-them-ists under the bus, the dumbasses constantly screening for the purest pure and most correct language/image.

When you talk to actual real people, you begin to realize these things are not even remotely as black and white as said internal debates would have you believe. These "imperfect allies" aren't just some hypothetical, they're the norm. They're your neighbor. They're your grocer. They're your coworker.

Like, genuinely, do you know how many coworkers, young and old, I've had in the last 2 years alone who would say the wrong/questionable things, make some edgy jokes, use the wrong terms, but then also went to bat for all our trans coworkers anytime anything happened? How many people I've encountered who don't even begin to pretend to understand queer culture, but have blended in with and celebrated alongside us regardless? The stereotypical cis white college boy might dress and talk and joke different from us, but that doesn't make them a bigot or an asshole. When push comes to shove, they've always been more liberal than half the leftists I've encountered online.

I think more of us need to learn to separate our community's internal debates from the external reality instead of projecting them onto everybody to ever live. In our relative safety amongst each other, we have the luxury to argue about these sorts of things, because the life-and-death stuff isn't such an immediate concern here. We can talk about obscure shit like theory and terminology. But 99% of the population doesn't and has no reason to care, but that doesn't make them automatically bad or an enemy.

Somebody can still be a friend to and stand up for somebody they don't fully understand, because most people aren't fucking assholes, which is more than I can say for a lot of terminally online power bloggers and twitter users I see every day. It's like we've convinced ourselves that the only way to be kind to someone is to either be just like them, or to have some 100% perfect understanding of them, but that couldn't be further from the truth. That sort of thinking will hurt EVERYBODY in the end.

It's not about perfect language or performance, it's about respect. That's it. It's about apologizing if a line is ever crossed and learning, and about stepping up when something actually bad happens. Most people I've encountered in public life have that respect. The ones that don't are just assholes, and they all remind me of the sort of people I have the grave misfortune of seeing crawl down my activity feeds every day. They're the outliers.

Because most people are good, actually. And most people are tremendously flawed. Don't go thinking you're not because you know every microidentity by heart. Everybody's flawed in ways invisible to them but glaring to anybody outside of them. That's just being human. But it doesn't make you or me or anybody inherently "bad". Stop thinking like a Christian, god damn it.

Stop trying to separate yourself from the masses as if you're somehow superior and them lesser. You are the masses, dude! We all are. The only people who try to separate themselves from the masses are the jackasses at the top who want to oppress everybody below them. Hard not to think you might be one of them if you're trying so hard to demonize the majority of the population because you're just so saintly and correct.

"The trannies should be able to piss in whatever toilet they want and change their bodies however they want. Why is it my business if some chick has a dick or a guy has a pie? I'm not a trannie or a fag so I don't care, just give 'em the medicine they need."

"This is an LGBT safe space. Of COURSE I fully support individuals who identify as transgender and their right to self-determination! I just think that transitioning is a very serious choice and should be heavily regulated. And there could be a lot of harm in exposing cis children to such topics, so we should be really careful about when it is appropriate to mention trans issues or have too much trans visibility."

One of the above statements is Problematic and the other is slightly annoying. If we disagree on which is which then working together for a better future is going to get really fucking difficult.

[fl4g-without-the-l]

Rant. A very long one. I need to get these thoughts out of my head

Sorry if I made any mistakes, I'm really tired rn and my first language isn't english. Just letting you know.

Ever since I cut contact with a toxic friend and started embracing being trans, I actually kind of enjoy being alive.

Like, seriously. I am content with how I look like for the most part, there's still a long way to go but at least I learned how to look more masc and how to style my hair (thx for all the people who helped me with this🫶). I may look like the president of Twinkville but I've never been happier.

I had to realize that my ex-friend was just a surface level ally. No, she didn't hate trans people and she said she accepted everyone, but in practice? She never respected my identity. At all. She misgendered me all the time, either without correcting herself or saying "or well, whatever you're because I don't know what's the deal with you anymore".

She was against every name I chose, because apparently only fem-androgynous "exotic" names fit me. She wanted me to keep my hair long, and when I said I want to cut it she straight up told me not to, because I'd look like a predatory grandpa...

And now I have met people who just accept me without any stupid question. I introduced myself with my chosen name to someone and they didn't say a word about it. Asked for advice on how to look more masculine and got advice without judgement. I vented about my dysphoria and I was still treated like a normal person. I never realized how rarely I experienced this in my life.

And now that she's not in my life in any significantly way, I am at more peace. I don't have to keep searching for a name hoping she'll finally accept what I choose, I don't feel bad for being masculine, I am finally letting myself be around people who actually mean it when they say they accept everyone unless they're not doing anything harmful and actually doesn't see me as a tomboy who says they're trans "just because".

The truth is, I think she only accepted trans people if they were attractive and completely passing to the point she could think of them as basically a cis man with a vagina or a basically cis girl with a penis. And that's... weird.

‼️brief mention of SH in the next paragraph, but in a good way I guess?

But the point is, I'm better now. It's been a long while since I had any thoughts about hurting myself and the urges to do it also rarely finds me.

My name and gender rolls off my tongue like I've been saying it since birth. I still have lots of internalized transphobia but this is a huge step for me.

I feel so much freer, and I don't care how cheesy this whole thing sounds. Dysphoria has caused me years of depression, even before I realized what it was, and it's finally starting to leave me. A weight has been lifted off my shoulders and I just want to appreciate it.

I remember the first time I saw a comic that had a trans guy as one of the characters and it felt so comforting. Before that, the closest thing I found to whatever I felt was the typical "not like other girls" thing and then I found an answer.

Even if we don't know eachother, I just wanted to say thank you. Seeing and interacting with other trans people has been a big part of my healing process. I know I probably sound really dramatic and overly emotional about this but I feel truly grateful to everyone who ever helped me through this in any way.

[headmatemd]

As someone who has spent time in both the rural south and the Pacific Northwest, and also someone grew up in alt-right internet spaces before taking a hard turn into the leftist internet… Do people actually have a full understanding of what any of that even means? English is my second language, it is not my default cultural reference for the world, and in order to communicate with people I work very hard to translate established words into somethings that I can understand, and then, in turn, convey. The actual thing that made me realize I didn't understand the English (up until this point) being used around me is when my ideals and goals and wants for the future didn't align with my internal beliefs and anxieties.

I wanted a world where I could be myself, and I was TAUGHT in a very specific way that worked. It worked before, it worked again, and people who wanted to change that could want to change we're trying to change something they didn't have to (or we're actively pushing to change it to do something that aligns with their values more) or even BREAK something and ruin it forever Politics COMPLETELY aside, that is a human desire to CONSERVE. Culturally, there are more connotations attached when you say 'Conservative' but wanting to conserve something is not evil. Because it is not evil to want to conserve things, people identify as conservative, and when they do that, they craft a community of people like that and they become "The Conservatives" everyone is talking about.

But other people have different upbringings! Hell, I moved! I was born in a desert, I was raised on farms, I drove miles and miles to go to church and go to the store, and then all the sudden I was dropped in the city. I didn't know what was safe, what to do, where to go, how to interact, and so I referenced what I was taught and did my best to conserve what I had and contribute to my very narrow communities to make sure they could also have their needs met to support me.

I don't remember when people started saying they were scared of me. Everyone assumes that because I presented as a cis female growing up, that I was perceived that way and I was raised that way, but I really didn't. I copied my male peers who portrayed the conservative values that I was taught were a protection method, and as much as they resisted, they could never really stop me from being in their spaces because I simply was one of them, even if none of us understood that at the time.

Eventually, time went on and I finally found words to describe my internal experiences through avenues that were always too risky or foreign to my elders, but for me they were just.... Natural. The cultural I developed outside of their influence and based on art, games, people I interacted with, was what I wanted to 'conserve,' but it was clear that it was different now, the DEMAND to CONSERVE was quieter. Around this time is when I was struggling most with English being my second language, I was having meltdowns because as an autistic middle schooler I didn't under English well enough to cope with how quickly and rapidly English evolving, changing, mutating, branching off into cultural things and all these other things. The evolution of the word Cringe specifically literally TOOK OVER my mind for years. I memorized the dictionary definition; Cringe, to Cringe (Verb) - To curl into a ball, usually in fear I fought and fought with people about it, I ruined friendships and relationships intentionally over it, because if I couldn't 'conserve' this, then I would have to start over with English again when I was already overworked and my needs were not being met. It was not until the liberal arts school I was attending actually got me into the whole liberal arts stuff, did I BEGIN my journey on learning that I was conservative for the wrong reasons, and that I could not be a conservative and also be the person I wanted to be. As an autistic person, I can only communicate in a very select few ways, and as much as we have coping mechanisms and masking strategies, we still and so we tried to find some part of ourselves that we COULD be liberal with, and we decided no matter what happens, we can be liberal with our existence.

I decided that if nothing else, even if I was tired, sick, in pain, fading in and out of existence, as long as my body was alive, I could just be one person that was there and that would never run out. I could die, I could be forgotten, I could disappear tomorrow and everyone could forget me, but I wouldn't have to conserve myself. Of course, with that level of freedom and openness, I left my self open to a lot of people who took advantage of me. I made mistakes, I fell in love, I was groomed, I instilled the lingering fears and imposter syndrome in people I cared about, and in return I tried to be liberal with my approaching to taking on suffering and fixing my mistakes. I wanted to share MY answers with everyone because that was my LIBERAL approach. I was giving away everything without understanding why. While I didn't HAVE to conserve myself, there are times when I also SHOULD consider the pros and the cons. I hate who I am when I "am a Conservative" just as much as I hate me when I "am a Liberal" because I should not have to chose what human behavior I like most, I should be able to conserve things for myself and my communities, and let the fruits of my labor pay off in a way that allows me to be more liberal with my resources. --- House had to stop because we had other things to do today, he asked us to post what he had.

[spacetimeaccordionfolder]

This was supposed to be just about a text message conversation between me and my sister and a brief mention of gender thoughts and then I had whole bunch of thoughts about my gender and the post got long sorry kind of a vent post

trigger warnings? internalized transphobia, non-binary phobia, general working through ideas of the supposed gender binary, discussion of facial hair (don't know if that should be a tw but it's kind of a big part of the middle of this). I don't know this probably should have been a diary entry but I didn't realize that till I had typed a lot of it.

okay so I view myself as a cis woman right? I had thought my issues with womenhood were the whole girlypop Christian motherhood values that I realized overtime that I don't vibe with. "womanhood is about loving your husband and having good Christian children" when I realized I had a disconnect from that, I connected that to me being ace (and eventually realized I was also arospec but that took a while). I also get gender envy for folks of basically any gender. That confused me for a while, till I realized it was a vibes this person is giving off/ fashion envy more than body or physical gender envy. Started changing my style a bit to look more like folks I got that feeling around, and loved how I looked much more. I've been doing that sort of style for years. It's more masculine on some days and that feels right. Like one of those "this outfit does not look right with boobs" sort of days. I acknowledged the envy I get for folks who look a bit more androgynous (be it masculine women, feminine men, or just folks wearing flowy shirts), I started incorporating that in my wardrobe a bit more, and letting myself feel whatever it was that I was enjoying.

Upon hearing about 'cis plus' (cis but you've realized gender is kind of a construct and can do with it whatever you want) I vibed with that. woman but a bit to the left. woman with a shrug emoji next to it. approximately a woman "she like a grove of fireflies" to quote HFTH. And I like that alot.

However, over the past few years my body has suddenly decided to start growing a mustache. and I hate it.

This is basically the only thing about my body I don't like. Back in middle school when other girls were all panicking about having a few dark hairs on their upper lips I did not care at all. It was just hair, it's whatever. just use tweezers if you want to. But suddenly this is more than one or two dark hairs. I'm in my early 20s and I've got a 13 year old boy mustache. I hate it so much. And I hate the way women talk about hating facial hair. I hate that options women have are tweezers - takes forever and I don't have the patience for that- waxing - "it's got a pink spatula with a butterfly on it!! OOh!" I do not want to put hot wax on my face- and using microrazors- "they come in pink and purple for the sporty girlies!" you have to throw those away after one use! no thanks!

And this bit of facial hair that we all have, men, women, otherwise or both, It's seen as weird for women to talk about! It's not ~womanly~ to have it but you can't talk about it - even about removing it- without getting an odd look. I feel like I have to hate it in a particular way and I don't hate it that way. This isn't me. I am not a woman in that regard. Another part of me feels like I need to radically accept this who cares what others say it's just hair, some women are brave and accept this part of themselves, but that doesn't feel like me either. The idea of having a mustache makes me feel really bad as well. It's a similar feeling to the scribbled AHHH I get when my hair is too long and I suddenly feel the need for a hair cut but it's so much more magnified. At first I thought I had to react like one of these two options (acceptance(girl flavored) or hatred covered in pink plastic), but I'm beginning to realize neither work for me, and aren't my only options.

Guys get to learn how to shave and can buy neat razors and women, or at least the one's I've met, are taught to hate this and get tweezers, wax, or micro razors. Or eventually get facial hair lasered off (as apparently my grandmother did because apparently having facial hair runs in the family). It didn't occur to me that I could try to learn how to actually shave till recently. Like two days ago recently. And I felt an odd feeling of "No I can't do that! I'm not a guy!" but, as I've been working through- this isn't really a gendered thing. It's still just hair. And it doesn't serve me or my life. When my hair gets too long, I get a hair cut. When clothing doesn't look right on me, I don't wear it. Having dark hairs on upper lip- mustache or whatever- is the same thing. I hate the options I have for dealing with this in a way that's viewed as acceptable to womanhood as I've been taught it. Both having facial hair and looking at my options for not having facial hair make me feel like I'm not quite a woman as I've been told to be.

I tried explaining some of this to my sister over text yesterday. The whole "I hate having facial hair but I hate my options to remove it even more and I hate how I feel like I'm supposed to hate this" a long with a gripe about "why can't everyone just be taught to shave, why is it shameful for women to have facial hair but our options to deal with it suck and I don't feel like I fit into those ~womanly~ options I should just learn how to shave." I then realized it was a very long text and send an apology. She replied with "no it's cool, bit unhinged, but that's ok. Feminine anger is okay" And I wanted to scream.

Because she didn't get it.

Which leads back to the beginning of this. At what point does experimenting with gender expression reveal things about gender? I like she/her pronouns, but every so often being called a woman feels odd. Like I don't know 1 day in 10 or something. It's sort of a yeah you could say woman and "she" and if we rounded up, yeah that could work I guess. Usually I just wear a funky outfit those days and that works. Casual cosplaying a wizard or wearing a hawaiian shirt or looking like a character from the Mummy. (I actually wear these outfits a lot it's more of some quality than they usually are?) I've found myself pondering those days more recently. And really there are more days where I feel more like me when I look like that (or really like that bi guy who played the saxophone I met in college. I stole a good bit of my current style from him. he's the one who made me look up "gender envy"), but I also want to be referred to as "she." Like there's a bit of a vibe, but that's more playing around with expression than actual gender. If I think about it, I think "woman" is the closest of the options that I'm aware of to what I'm feeling. If something is right like 80% of the time, great! that's a B! but what about that 20% where it's just a bit off? I've thought about using she/they pronouns, but I'm really not sure. Times in that 20%, they feels close but not exactly right. sort of a 65/35 right wrong ratio? There's just a something that is more than those three or four letters that I feel like is trying to be communicated then, and I've never quite understood it.

I like dressing in fun ways. I like being called beautiful and handsome, being referred to as girl or guy (not boy. not that one. man is on thin ice but allowed in greetings ex "hey man"). I don't feel like a woman in the way others do with certain things, like with dating or the ideal of a Christian housewife- but I attributed that disconnect to me being arospec and ace.

I don't really know what to make of my gender currently. But I think I can work on the hatred I feel for my facial hair. There are folks of all genders with facial hair. Some keep it and do cool things with it and others don't. There are different options to work with it. I can choose from any of those options. Maybe I want to learn how to shave. Okay, that doesn't make me less of "me." In fact, I think it reinforces who I am, whoever that may be. I won't talk about it as a "don't judge me" or a "I know it's weird." This is me letting go of things that do not serve me. (yeah I know i'm alluding to a quote from John Doe in episode 43 of Malevolent and yes that quote was in a much cooler context than deciding about facial hair but I though about the "I will let go of what no longer serves me" the other day while being angry at the mirror and it's part of what led to my "why don't I just learn to shave judgement free" revelation. so).

This post has gone on long enough. I'm ending it with that quote from episode 71 of hfth. “I might have been a lady then. Not anymore. I am ‘she’ like a summer night. ‘She’, like a thousand fireflies in the grass.”

There is something in here that speaks to me. I don't quite understand it yet. I'd like to though. Alice HFTH I don't like that you are filled with bugs but I would like to discuss your thoughts on gender with you.