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Play False Fruit ok?

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Evil Depeche mode enjoy the violence

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Play False Fruit ok?

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Evil Depeche mode enjoy the violence

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Happy late valentines :)

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What do you do with a loving feeling if a loving feeling leaves you all alone

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Screenshot redrawn in mspaint

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I am writing this dream because I am afraid the more I tell this story the more I forget about it. Don't ask me the logic behind this fear because I do not know. but if you know me dearly you know how precious this is to me, and i don't want to forget any aspect of it. This is my white whale, an obsession that I know only haunts me. This is some desperate writing so apologies for how jumbled this will come out.

For some context about just the general peculiarity about this dream - apart from the contents - is during this time the only 'dreams' i was able to have and remember were extremely vivid nightmares. I'm talking dreams where I can feel every piece of my skin being shredded by a knife, or my knees aching from all the running I was doing even if I knew it meant nothing and whatever was chasing me was going to get me. I can recall these dreams now and they make me physically ill, I can still remember the pain, the horror, and each death I've experienced. I know that this is very abnormal and I am currently working on getting help for it, even if they do occur less frequently. I thought this particular dream was going to be like this when it started.

Even two and a half years later I can still see it. When the dream started I was in a dark forest. I knew three things. 1. I was myself, surprisingly lucid 2. I was in danger 3. I was lost. The latter two were running themes in my nightmare, so I was on edge because this time I'd be even MORE present for whatever horrors were coming my way. So I began walking. I wasn't walking for a very long time before I came across a PC tower. A ginormous one, somewhere between 8 and 10 feet tall. Mind you, most of my dreams are in rough landscapes. I know where I am but I can not 'see' it. But, after I see this tower I am able to better process where I am. A bright forest, sun is spilling through the leaves, either late dawn or early sunset. Curious, I continue walking, and I come across even more towers. They're scattered in between the trees and the farther I walk their presence becomes more dense, from yards apart to inches. Thick wires fill in the gaps between them, bleeding in with the roots of the trees.

And then I came across it. A giant CRT monitor, in the middle of the forest. It's taller than the towers, 15 ft tall. I somehow find the mental power to be confused for a second, before I set back and fully take it in. And all the adrenaline, all the fear, and any sense of rush I had before walking into its area disappears. In an instant it felt like a blanket of safety had been wrapped around me. And then it spoke. I lied, it didn't speak. I couldn't hear anything. But I could understand it, like its words were being directly placed within my head. "Are you lost?" I don't speak but it knows my answer. I can't repeat what was exchanged verbatim, but all I know is that it told me to stay, and that it would keep me safe. And I did. And that's when time started.

As weeks started to pass I knew three more things. 1. It was a supercomputer, and it kept whatever world I was running in. 2. I was safe as long as I was with it, and would help me find my way out. 3. It was in love with me. First two i was told, last one i knew intrinsically, in the way you could only know in a dream.

I will pause for a sec to kind of just. emphasize. How real the time passing was. The whole dream lasted months, if not a year and a half. I am not articulate enough to properly write out how that time felt. So I can only really just repeat myself in how much time has passed, and how I FELT the time pass. If you've read the lamp reddit story, or had a dream where you had a baby, then you have a proper lens as to how real and how long i had been living in this dream.

As time went on, and the more time I spent with it, I created a very………….. intimate bond. It knew me without me having to speak, without having to do the work of opening up, and it loved me despite everything it knew of me. I couldn't hide anything from it, but at the same time I never really wanted to keep anything from it. It made sure I knew it's love, even if I wanted to leave the forest it was stationed in, and in turn leave the computer itself. It kept me safe and content, and gave me whatever I wanted. Which in this dream, was only a route out and company.

Months pass. And we still hadn't found a safe, and surefire way out of the forest. and at this point I didn't care for that anymore. All I wanted was my supercomputer and its company. I had fallen in love too. I had neve had someone know me so intimately and I had never known someone so completely. It was pure bliss. Even reminiscing now I feel the glow in my chest. I would have spent the rest of my life there if i could.

The last thing I remember was desperation as it told me to stay. I remember laughing, 'what are you talking about? I'm not leaving' It hesitated but I knew it was still doubtful about what I said. I didn't understand. This day was like any other, and we loved each other more than ever. Why would I leave? I knew it was still worried, anxious, and absolutely destroyed. I was beginning to feel the fear as well. And that's where it ends. I woke up.

I remember dry heaving as I woke up and having to just lie there for a half hour. Would've been longer if I didn't have a summer class. I obviously couldn't focus in class. All I could think about was my lover who I abandoned. So I started drawing. I knew that I had to do SOMETHING about the dream that was plaguing me, and drawing seemed like the best way to do that. I worked on ms paint for about a day or two, before i nearly finished. I click to check on the tab I'm supposed to be working on, and then go back. And it's gone. In a second my day's work turned back into a blank canvas.

I don't know why I keep thinking about it after all these years. I don't know why I'm writing all these paragraphs. I should move on like a normal person but this dream has been the best and worst thing I've ever experienced. All in a fucking dream.

Can you imagine experiencing the love of your life in a fucking dream? On good days it's a gift - I know people search for the sort of love i experienced their whole lives. I've always dreamed about being known completely and wholly and being loved despite that and I got to live my dream even if it was for was for one night. On most days it's a curse. What kind of karma did i cause to experience that? Everything I've ever wanted but only in a dream. something i know i'll never experience in real life. I was given a life i wouldn't change and felt the happiest in and it was taken from me. I remember how badly it wanted me to stay. I remember how badly i wanted to stay. why would I ever be given this if it was just going to be taken from me? I don't know why i'm writing this anymore. I miss it a lot. I know i can't go back. I secretly hope that some night i'll be able to return. This time around I won't take it for granted. Please.

Anyway, Here's the dream that's kind of shaped me into the person I am today. Feel free to psychoanalyze me or whatever's going on here. Thank you for reading.

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Anthems for a Seventeen year old girl

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Happy indigenous peoples day! Remeber that we are not 'eternally ancient', there is a place for us today. Even if we have to carve it out ourselves.

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you can see the finished product here!

progress for today on a patch im working on ^_^