the-empty-disarray

[the-empty-disarray]

“my mom used to say that if you repeat a word too much it loses its meaning. so i tried ‘lycanthropy. lycanthropy. lycanthropy. lycanthropy. lycanthropy.’ but i guess she was wrong. because everytime i said it, or heard it, it became more important. it was consuming me more and more, until there was nothing left.”

— Remus Lupin, at some point.

[the-empty-disarray]

[the-empty-disarray]

What’s Next?

I want to be someone. I want to have goals and higher hopes for the future. But, I hate the looming question “What is it you want?” Because the truth to that answer is I have no idea! When everyone was taking their time planning out their futures. I was a depressed kid, who was more worried about role playing over face book then studying. I never believed I would live to be in my 20′s. I never thought I would have a child, yet both of them came true. I’m not the smartest apple in the tree, and truth be told I’m more of the apple that had the worm ripping through it, the one no one wants.  I’m not good with make up, I’m not good with music. Some say I have fantastic people skills, but my insecurities hold me back for bigger opportunities. There’s one thing I do want. I want to be someone my daughter can be proud of. When I’m older I don’t want her to look at me, and only see a fast food worker who got pregnant at 18. How do you spark the light in your eye again? I’m falling through the invisible cracks, and my body is slowly turning into a shell. What can I do?  

[the-empty-disarray]

I don’t want to catch myself anymore. I want to slip through the cracks and see what is on the side. All I can do is wonder, but for the meantime, 

I want to be happy to feel the sun on my face, I want to smile and catch a snowflake on my tongue. 

I want to hear laughter, and the heart of someone who loves me. 

I want to feel the touch of a hand who offered their hearts to me, who loves and cares for me. I want to feel their hands tighten as they pull me closer to protect me from the demons they cant see. 

I want to take the deep breath of the coldest air the planet had to offer. I want to feel the clouds, up in the sky. I want to see paint the sun rise with a brush, and feel the beautiful rays on my face. 

And the more things I list, the more I realize, what I really need to do and allow my soul to be happy. To find the peace in my mind. 

The anger that resides in me, had permanently rotted my brain. And I don’t think I can ever clean it out. And I want to break my lap top thinking of it, a touchy subject is a understatement. 

But until then, the words in my mind will always fly around until they are free on these empty documents, 

[the-empty-disarray]

Writing a character who becomes severely malnourished/dehydrated/sleep-deprived?

Here’s what you’ll need to know! Learn all about the wonders of the human body and add scientifically-accurate drama to your stories.

MALNOURISHMENT

DEATH: average - 21 days (3 weeks), max ever recorded - 70 days (2.3 months)

6 HOURS: grouchiness and hunger due to lack of glucose.

24 HOURS - 48 HOURS: hunger very apparent; pains in stomach; body has entered ketosis and is using fatty acids as energy.

72 HOURS+: muscles begin to get broken down for energy.

You will become: increasingly depressed, irritable, hysteric apathetic; decline in concentration, comprehension and judgement; social isolation and withdrawal; possible self-harm.

If your character doesn’t eat for 5 consecutive days, they are at risk of Refeeding Syndrome. This is extremely dangerous and can be fatal.

recommended reading:

The Minnesota Starvation Experiment

Psychology of starvation based on the above experiment.

DEHYDRATION

DEATH: average 3 days; some live 8 - 10 days

for the calculations: TWV = total water volume in body; average adult loses 2.5 litres of water per day.

Assuming that your character does not eat, drink or absorb any moisture.

9 HOURS/2% TWV: thirst, discomfort, dry skin, loss of appetite; 50% loss of performance for athletes; elevated body temperature, rapid heartbeat, fatigue, dizziness when standing, decreased fluid secretion (sweat, urination, tears, etc).

24 HOURS/6% TWV: sleepiness, severe headaches, nausea, tingling in limbs.

36 - 72 HOURS/ 6 - 15% TWV: no urination, seizures, muscle spasms, shriveled skin, fainting, vision dimming, delirium.

72 HOURS+/15% TWV+: Organ failure.

recommended reading:

dehydration on the psychology wiki.

SLEEP DEPRIVATION

DEATH: not known, but can stay awake for 11 days; max chronic sleep deprivation ever recorded (until death) - 6 months.

NOTE: This does not mean you can stay awake for 6 months. It means you can survive that long with chronic sleep deprivation - going days without sleep and then sleeping once or twice.

24 HOURS: mental ability impairment of someone who has blood-alcohol content of 0.10%; everything is worse - emotional control, memory, attention, decision-making, hand-eye coordination.

36 HOURS: hormonal spikes everywhere; losing time; lack of motivation; head buzzing like you’re dehydrated.

48 HOURS: microsleep, regardless of what you’re doing (you fall asleep for 1-30 seconds and then become disorientated);

72 HOURS+: say goodbye to higher mental processes like decision-making and planning. Also, say good bye to saying goodbye because even simple conversations are hard.

80 HOURS+: … and hello, hallucinations!

recommended reading:

this article of a soldier’s experience with sleep deprivation.

Eleven Days Awake; The Experiment.

[the-empty-disarray]

Jason Momoa behind the scenes of “Aquaman”

[the-empty-disarray]

The Simpsons - Treehouse of Horror XXX (666th Episode)

[the-empty-disarray]

Raw

I knew what I was doing was wrong. I knew, all it would do is hurt me in the long run. I knew, I felt like a cheap whore as I laid in a strangers bed looking at a boy I thought I loved. His curly thick brown hair resting on the pillow as his hand moved over my stomach to my thigh. He hummed the song he once called ours as he moved his body closer. I could smell the marijuana as it lingered on his breath. “I’ve missed you.” His voice said as his dark hazel eyes looked up to me. 

“Please, don’t.” Was all my mind could think to say. 

It was only a month since I lost my virginity. And, I realized something, after  I slept with someone I lost feelings for them. I didn’t want them, because sex to me was disgusting. I didn’t like it, while others said I didn’t understand it. All I knew was, I needed him out of my heart before I could move on with my life. And, I was hoping this one night would make me feel that way. As he slowly pulled me closer understanding that I didn’t want his sweet nothings he slowly got what we both wanted. I wanted him out of my head, and each thrust did just that for me. 

Each moan that escaped his mouth was like the witches curse unraveling. And, I couldn’t be happier. That night I got more pleasure getting mentally further away from the man that was inside of me. I felt free, and by morning light I felt as if everything would be okay. Looking in the mirror in the strangers bathroom, I remembered the disgusting feeling. I remembered how he needed to be high to take me in the bed. I remembered his hands on my body, and I remembered the act. The feeling of regret hung over my head for a few moments but I decided to allow it. I decided, it would be better that way, to never have another thought of him in my head. And, I knew I rather feel disgusted, than feel more in love with him than I already was. 

I left the strangers house happy. The sex was horrible, but as I got in the car I knew it would be the last time I would think of him. And as I buckled my seat belt, I looked down at my phone ignoring his messages, putting him on mute, I felt like a whole new person. I went straight home and scrubbed at my body until I felt clean and fell into the couch, and for the first night his face didn’t invade my dreams. For the first night I didn’t feel empty. For the first night I felt free from his grasp. I’d been obsessed since high school and now, the obsession was gone, disappeared. The link I placed was cut in half, and I could cry tears of joy. 

Only two weeks later he was as good as dead, I didn’t think of him and for those two weeks I was the happiest I had ever been. I smiled, and I made friends talking to strangers. I called attempting to set interviews for colleges, and looked into student loans. My heart was overwhelmed as I started to see my new boyfriend. I wouldn’t say I was in the best place of my life, as I lived off of pills. I stole from my job, and I wasn’t able to sleep. But, I wanted to change my life. I needed a change in my life.

And boy did I get a change, not the change I wanted but a changed god knew I needed.

[the-empty-disarray]

The mixed Open Mic

You’ve made a permanent crater in my life. It’s as if your an asteroid who ruined something beautiful and disappeared without a reason. Some might want to try and find you, to know the truth. How could you damage something and leave without a trace? Where you moved? Were you just a lie? Was it a trick? And years after you’ve damaged the beautiful field, I still have trouble allowing the grass to grow. The soil ruined no matter what I did to try to save it. It’s a constant reminder. They say it takes time to allow land to heal, to allow a heart to heal. But, no matter what I do, I can’t heal. God, I can’t heal it and I don’t understand why. Why doesn’t the soil work, why doesn’t the seed work, why didn’t we work? Were you just a lie, did you only land to get what you needed to get back up and fly away home? Did you not care? Did I make it so easy to allow you to fall upon me? 

[the-empty-disarray]

Today Attempt.

“Today, will be different.” I tell myself in the mirror. 

“Today, we will speak to strangers like they are friends.”

“Today, I will smile more.”

“Today, I will laugh more.”

“Today, I will make the first move.”

“Today I will do the best that I can at my job.” 

Slowly I look at my reflection, I see the lies in my eyes, I see the blemishes in my skin. I see the fat hanging out of my shirt, I see the decaying spots on my teeth. I see the hair growing on my upper lip. I see the disgusting side of myself. Standing tall, I slowly nod, “Today.” I tell myself as my eyes slowly turn a shiny red as tears fill them, “Today.” I say once more. All my flaws point out in my head like a list that doesn’t end. I close my fist and lean in closer towards the mirror, as if to make sure my eyes weren’t playing tricks. Up close I can the black hair better, I can see the black heads on my nose. I can see the purplish skin under my eye that had been covered by makeup. “Today.” I say and nodded looking at my eyes as they slowly turn from a hazel blue, to a grass green. Slowly a warm fat tear fell from my eyelash, “Today.” I tell myself once more as I looked in the mirror. Slowly, leaning back I took in a big breath calming my emotions and looked back at the mirror. Putting on the biggest, widest smile that I could, I nodded to myself. Than slowly I released the smile, “Tomorrow.” I then tell myself as I turned the light off nodding once again to myself, “Tomorrow.” The empty promise that will never become hangs over my head as I pull myself in my bed. 

[the-empty-disarray]

I’m The Shell of Silence. 

while I feel a lot, I don't feel anything

[the-empty-disarray]

Mental Pain is Physical Pain

What I was about to publish. 

My chest felt like I was being stabbed as I lost my balance and fell slowly to my knees. My breathing picked up as I placed a hand over my scared chest, my vision started to disappear as black spots took over. My anger pulse through my body. No, not anger, anger never hurt this bad. The word was unknown to me, and I knew I was slipping through the cracks that kept me up. The pain in my chest felt physical, like a blade went through my back. I wanted to feel a blade on my chest, I wanted a reason on why I felt physical pain. I leaned over my hand resting on the floor, slowly I lifted my body standing back up holding my weight as I looked down at the happy table. Understanding the unknown word better, knowing what it was for sure. Betrayal.

How I should have wrote it.

My chest felt like I have been stabbed, the air was trapped in my lungs as I slowly fell to my knees in the open. I attempted to breath feeling my lungs burn as I gasped in for more air. My hand rested over my scared chest as my vision slowly started to disappear and black spots took over. I couldn’t make a sound as my mouth hung open. The only emotion close to what I felt was anger. But, not even anger hurt this bad. I couldn’t think of the word, I only knew that I was slipping through the cracks that had always kept me up. I knew there wasn’t a sword in my chest, but I wanted a reason why I felt like there was. The physical pain made my mind spin. My hand left my chest and reached for the floor before my body collapsed. Slowly I regained my vision and looked down at the happy table. Their smiles, their happiness, I gasped in a breath at once and slowly regained my strength and stood up. Closing my mouth I gulped down the pain and took in a big breath. Slowly the word came to mind. Betrayal. 

Which one of theses passage made more sense to you? Options wanted!! 

[the-empty-disarray]

She is a lightning strike in a thunderstorm | P.D.

[the-empty-disarray]

“Promise me you'll always remember: You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think”

— A. A. Milne

[the-empty-disarray]

I know I love you because I love you enough to let you go, if you decide there’s so much more than me, or us.

fightingborderline (via fightingborderline)