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[thedirtyjourney]

“The rule for all terrors is to head straight into them. When you are sailing in a storm, you don’t let a wave hit your boat on the side. You go bow into the wave and ride it. So in the same way, old folklore says, this is an old wives tale with a lot of truth in it, whenever you meet a ghost don’t run away, because the ghost will capture the substance of your fear and materialise itself out of your own substance and will kill you eventually, because it will take over all your own vitality. So then, whenever confronted with a ghost, walk straight into it and it will disappear. So in the same way, when people stir up the depths of the unconscious and are confronted with their own monsters….when you get that sense of terror, go right at it, don’t run away. Explore, feel the fear as completely as you can feel it. Head straight into it and just it so happens that these things give you the opportunity to go into some of your very, very most closely kept skeletons and the result of that is invariably beneficial.”

— Alan Watts, The Rule for All Terrors

[thedirtyjourney]

Gently now

I hold myself much more gently

Last night I laid my head into my own lap and cried

I cried in grief for the girl I can no longer be

As I held myself close I realized that no one has ever held me better

That the woman I am becoming is walking me home

That I have been waiting for me my entire life

And I have never felt more blissfully alone

[thedirtyjourney]

When you find your place

In an “I don’t give a damn” space

That place in the middle of meeting

The silent spot where only you and your heart dwell

Where you find your heaven

Disguised as your hell

Where the warrior goes to weep

Where the restless find sleep

That’s where I shall wonder

Where I shall rest my feet

[thedirtyjourney]

“ Each of us carries

In our chest

A song

So old

We don’t know

If we learned it

Some night

Between the murmurs

Of fallen kisses

Our lips

Surprise us

When we utter

This song

That is singing

And crying at once”

-Francisco X Alarcon

[thedirtyjourney]

If loneliness is the foundation from which you make your relational choices, you will continue to attract less than what you are worthy of because you are operating from a vibration of lack. What you are is what you experience.

How fucking annoying.

But oh how there is power in the knowing.

Thanks for listening.

[thedirtyjourney]

My mother does not show her sadness. Her hurts.

This is because she was raised to believe that the way she felt was not important.

My mother has not yet reached a point of self awareness where she understands this about herself. Because she has yet to heal that wound she raised me to also believe that how I felt was not important. I suffered a great deal because of this.

I love my mother deeply despite our history. That is not to say though, that I don’t have moments where I can feel the bitter taste in my mouth from her lack of compassion.

I think tonight changed that.

My grandmother, her mother, is heading towards the final stages of Alzheimer’s. My mother is the only one of my grandmothers 4 children who is taking care of her through this transition.

This evening my mother stood across from me in my kitchen after spending the day with her mother, looking defeated. Choking back tears she said “I feel like shit because I have no patience sometimes for her. I try my best. But I find it very ironic that I grew up with her treating me like I was a burden, and now here I am taking care of her and she is a burden to me.”

After she left those words and her pain wouldn’t leave my heart and my mind. This is because I have felt most of my life like I was in fact a burden to my mother. I never understood why my mother treated me in the ways that she did and took it very personal for a very long time. And still sometimes do. That ends tonight.

I lay here with my daughter and think of the moments where I might brush her off as if she is a burden. Not conscious of it at all in that way, and now I am.

This curse ends here.

I sent my mother a text a bit ago, lightly addressing her wound she acknowledged tonight, and let her know that anyone would be blessed beyond measure to have her as a daughter. That I’m sorry she ever was made to feel like a burden and that she was worthy of so much better than that.

Our parents truly only do have the capacity to do with us what was done with them if they have not navigated through their own healing. That does not make it fair. But it is a way to deepen the understanding that we came into this world, worthy and perfect and that any wrong done against us from who raised us was not because we weren’t enough. It was because somewhere along the line they were made to feel that they were not enough and we unfortunately suffer the consequences of that. What you do with that understanding is up to you.

I just know that there are a lot of different things that have kept me alive since I began my healing journey in 2016, walking away from substances, people, and places that were eventually going to bury me. One of those things, has been forgiveness.

Tonight my inner child wrapped it’s arms around my mothers and whispered,

“I forgive you.”.

[thedirtyjourney]

Everyone says you aren’t my person

And maybe they’re right

This morning you and I stood lip locked in my kitchen as if we hadn’t been apart for the last 9 months

Your hands held me through the night as if they hadn’t held anyone else during the time we’ve spent apart

Which we both know isn’t true

Yesterday I told you not to text and drive and you responded with “old habits die hard”

I know all about habits

you’re my very favorite one

I know all about dying

darling, you kill me

[thedirtyjourney]

"The desire to be loved is the last illusion. Give it up and you will be free."

-unknown

[thedirtyjourney]

[thedirtyjourney]

I lay here while my daughter sleeps on my belly. She said "cuddle me mama", which to her actually means, play with her hair. As she fell asleep I felt overwhelmed with emotion. The world in many ways has a lot of heaviness to it. There are children all over the world suffering in a range of different ways. Why is that? Why is it that humanity as a wholes biggest goal is not to protect children in all ways possible. They are the most magical and innocent of creatures. Some of the greatest teachers and healers. They bring so much light, so much purpose into this world we live in. Why is not every single one of us guarding each and every child on this planet. Not just our own children, but all of the children. Not just parents, but every adult. How far out have we allowed our egos to take us, that we have forgotten them. If we were ever to see peace it would only be possible if we gave peace to every tiny innocent soul. In order for that to begin to happen, we must all go inward. Become all that we can be to be worthy of the responsibility to protect these small beautiful humans. I don't know much of anything for certain, but from where I perceive things, there is absolutely nothing else more important than this. This is the only thing right now that makes complete sense to me. In every single way. Thank you for listening.

[thedirtyjourney]

Tonight I feel at ease. Which for me in this moment is a huge reminder that all feelings do pass. I felt so engulfed in emotion over the last few days I feared for how long it would take to come out onto the other side. When you're in it, it feels like it could be an eternity before you feel some light. I pushed through my fears and woke up this morning refusing to feed my mind anything but love. Cultivating the self awareness that I have today is wild because I damn well know now that when I am uncomfortable it is because I'm moving from a place of fear. Where I was blind before, I now see that I have a choice in these moments of awareness to either sit in the fear or to move into love. Not too long ago fear was a very familiar place for me. Today love is what feels like home. Thanks for listening.

[thedirtyjourney]

Will you stop me from running into the arms of another?

When I'm sure that it's the end..

will you reassure me that its only the beginning?

Will you be the surprise?

The one who stops me dead in my tracks?

Who I swallow all pride for knowing that you won't let me choke?

Or will you be added to the collection of dreams that I carry on top of my chest?

Will you become another passer by?

Just another stranger?

When will I dance with a warm body?

I am so tired of dancing with ghosts.

[thedirtyjourney]

I lay here alone.

And I'm okay.

And you lay there alone.

And you're okay.

But aren't you tired of being only okay.

Aren't your arms hungry for me?

Is your silence actually a scream?

Maybe im delusional.

Or maybe we are right on time.

[thedirtyjourney]

Depth is not scary. Depth is endless possibility. Depth is mysterious, beautiful, fully cleansing. Depth is magic. I want to dive into anything or anyone that crosses my path. But seldom do I run into another who also wants to take that plunge. It's so God damn frustrating. I don't want to just know about your favorite things or what your opinion is on this or that. I want to know what keeps you up at night. I want to know what makes you feel, what moves you. I want to know what hurts you just as much as what gives you joy. I want to know your nightmares as much as I want to know your biggest dreams. I want to know your deepest cringiest desires. I want to know what has made you want to die, and what brings you to life. I want to know how I can show up for you. I want to know how you want to show up for me. How you love, how you hate. All of it. I want all of it or nothing at all. Surface level connections are the worst kind of torture. I want to see and feel the depths of your soul. I don't want to miss a single part. Let me explore you or leave me alone.

[thedirtyjourney]

Keeping my heart open after being mishandled by reckless hands is a daily practice. Will it be a life long one? Will that ever come with ease? When you touch me it feels like kindness. A feeling that is foreign to me. When you leave me I wonder if you will be the one who stays, or is it the last time I'll be seeing you. You mirror my heart which is both beautiful and devastating. When you look at me I simultaneously want to feel everything and nothing at all. Will you sit with me and my wounds while I heal them. Or will you be another thing I have to let go of.

[thedirtyjourney]

" Really understand this: you are creator within your own creation. As you create what you want within you, you positively contribute to new potentials and possibilities in the world around you. If you want to see a peaceful, joyful, harmonious, abundant world where all experience love and well-being and freedom, create it first within you. As you take full responsibility for what you are creating, you can choose moment by moment: Do you want to focus on and give meaning to the unwanted, or do you want to focus on and give meaning to that which you want? Whatever you choose, that is the reality you are creating. This is how powerful you are."

The dream, the journey, eternity, and God

-Sarah Landon and Mike Dooley

[thedirtyjourney]

"Let go of your ideas of what should be happening and of trying to force an outcome; know that you are exactly where you're meant to be, in perfect flow, in perfect harmony. Go into an awareness, a decision of consciousness, where you perceive yourself beyond the limitation of time and space. This is a place of absolute flow and ease, a state of consciousness where you know, beyond a doubt, that you are reaching your destination at the perfect time."

The dream, the journey, eternity, and God.

-Sara Landon and Mike Dooley