thewanderingwonderingthough-blog - Tumblr blog

[thewanderingwonderingthough-blog]

"I remember you.

I remember you and the all things you would say to me.

I remember you and how you were afraid to tell me you loved me, but would never hesitate to hold me or protect me.

I remember you and feeling so nervous about disappointing you when you would inevitably realize I wasn't going to be right for you.

I remember you and everything you made me feel."

- You were the first love I never knew I had

[thewanderingwonderingthough-blog]

"There's a tiger in his smile,

Sharp teeth behind his eyes.

Haven't seen it in a while,

But asleep, there it lies.

It doesn't just come out at night.

It doesn't just attack when I cry.

Without a warning it will strike,

As I lay helpless to its bite."

3 am rambling

[thewanderingwonderingthough-blog]

"You told me that you hate me

In an attempt to change me.

Trying to degrade me.

And I guess its working

Cause now I hate me too."

11 pm thoughts

[thewanderingwonderingthough-blog]

"Up all night

Neither sleep

One is terrified

The other dying inside."

Midnight

[thewanderingwonderingthough-blog]

"She told a lot of people a lot of things. She was an open book in many ways. Stories, hopes, dreams, wishes. To a lucky few, her deepest darkest secrets. Many years she went around, telling her story, speaking to anyone with ears available to hear the words she spilled. People came and people went. She never felt content. One day she met someone new again, expecting them to be like the rest. But she soon realized that for the first time in her life, someone listened."

-wandering thought

[thewanderingwonderingthough-blog]

To this day,

My own grandfather can't put his hand on my back or my side or even my shoulder without me feeling like im about to cry.

To this day,

I can't wear a skirt or a dress without putting shorts underneath it because one time I was thanked for the "easy access."

To this day,

I can't go outside by myself when it's dark, no matter how short the distance, because I've been taught its easier to hide in the dark.

To this day,

If I wear a top that shows even the slightest bit of cleavage, God forbid I move my arm to not be crossed over my chest.

To this day,

Those who know me always say "but you were never raped." While they didn't rape my body they sure as hell raped my mind. Forcing their way into every single part of my brain.

To this day,

I still struggle to cope with all these feelings I have been left with and I am forced to except the fact that was has been done to me will forever​ be a part of me.

[thewanderingwonderingthough-blog]

"His warmth infected me, seeping in through the craters in my skin. It tangled itself in my veins causing, my heart to beat faster, harder. My eyes shut and the world slipped away, him being the only thing my senses could detect. Then suddenly, he vanished."

[thewanderingwonderingthough-blog]

"You made up a home in the subconscious part of my mind,

And there you will stay until the moment I die.

Even if you ever choose to leave,

There will always be that empty room

Filled with things that remind me of you."

- Love

[thewanderingwonderingthough-blog]

Its amazing to me how fickle and unstable humans are. One moment we will be fine, completely stable, fully in control. Then we will see or hear or smell something so miniscule, so tiny and seemingly insignificant but it will bring a tidal wave of thoughts and emotions, filling up every single crevice in our minds, consuming us, even if for just a moment.

[thewanderingwonderingthough-blog]

"It felt like my soul was shattering, a crater opening up where my heart should be."

Except from a book I'll never write

[thewanderingwonderingthough-blog]

"I tell myself over and over again That this is not pretend But I still got this nagging feeling Deep inside my gut I still got these nasty thoughts My mind won't shut up The way that you gaze at me I've seen it all before The way that you hold me I've felt it all before This closeness that I feel Is it close enough to be real?"

- Mindless Doubts

[thewanderingwonderingthough-blog]

"You couldn't hear the bang Or see the bullet Just a cloud of smoke A click of the trigger Everybody pulled it No one was around When she fell to the ground So she didn't make a sound No one heard the bang Or saw the bullet Just a cloud of smoke No click of the trigger Nobody pulled it She fell down When no body was around So no one heard her silent cries No one heard her die inside"

From 15-year-old me

[thewanderingwonderingthough-blog]

"There's bruises on my soul that no one will ever know."

11pm thoughts

[thewanderingwonderingthough-blog]

"We came from the same world and that's why I tricked myself into believing I could be happy with you. And while I changed you remained the same. Now we aren't even in the same galaxy anymore. When I look at you I can see the stars in your eyes and it's a constant reminder of how truly far apart we have become."

- Except from a book I'll never write

[thewanderingwonderingthough-blog]

"You leaving isn't what hurt me. Rightfully so since technically I was the one who left first. Well, physically at least. Emotionally, you had been gone months before I even noticed, your thoughts with someone else every time you held me, touched me, told me you loved me. I remained absolutely smitten with you even though I had no idea why because I couldn't stand the thought of you. I realize now that it wasn't you I continued to love even a year after you blocked my number. I realize now that I only loved the idea of you; I craved the attention you gave me. I realize now I loved your hands, not your soul. At first it was you and only you. But when you left all that remained was the feeling of phantom fingertips tracing the outline of my body. I craved that more than I can put into words and far more than I'll ever admit to you."

[thewanderingwonderingthough-blog]

"In this battlefield I call my life, I never would have guessed that No Man's Land resided in my mind."

[thewanderingwonderingthough-blog]

"You shot me down like it was open season on my heat."

-from 14-year-old me