thoughts-left-unspoke

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I can feel the ghost of your breath upon my lips,

warm and fleeting, a whisper of fire and longing.

Your hands trace constellations upon my skin,

mapping the valleys, the rises, the quiet echoes of me.

But the thought of us—fragile, aching—

was already halfway to ruin,

a dream dissolving into specter,

a love too tender to bear the weight of waking.

I watch you from across the silence,

your smile deep enough to drown me,

pulling me into the undertow of your laughter,

where I forget the cold and colorless world I once knew.

You make me believe in things I should not—

that love is more than poetry,

that fools who write of devotion

are not just weaving myths for others to live.

Yet here I stand, breathless in surrender,

raising my flag not in passion but in peace.

White, not red—

for I would rather yield to the inevitable

than bleed for what was never mine.

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The eyes chico, they never lie

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How could tears so salty come from a love so sweet?

It feels as though my heart would burst from the love it holds for you,

I thought it was just a crush, an infatuation, a passing look,

How did I not realize that my breaths had your name on them?

I want to scream and shout and tell anyone who would possibly listen about my love for you,

Even love seems too small a word, too empty of a word, too simple of a word to fathom the emotion I hold for you.

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I disappeared for a week, tired and feeling unwanted,

I came back to messages from you, waiting for me,

You said you longed for me, you missed me,

You said you waited to hear my laughter, you felt on edge of insanity waiting for me,

You said you felt empty without me, you felt as if you would collapse under the weight of your thoughts.

I came back to you in love with me, everyone could see,

But when I asked if you truly loved me, why did I think your answer would be anything other than we're just friends.

You said you couldn't wait to tell me when something good happened, something bad happened, something made you angry, something made you laugh, or even when nothing happened,

You said you had a bad day at work and while eating dinner, all that came to your mind was how you wanted to hear my voice to bring light into your day.

But of course, we are just good friends after all.

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Does anyone else ever feel like they just don't belong?

Out with friends and suddenly it feels like I'm watching them without being with them,

At work, everyone around me exists and I float, unable to be tethered to the world around me,

At home, I sit with my roommates and we watch a movie but I feel invisible.

Does anyone else ever think that the world would be the same if you never existed?

With my parents, I wonder would they have still fallen out of love if I wasn't there,

With my lovers, I wonder if they would have met someone to replace me sooner,

With strangers, I wonder how different would things really have been if I never said thank you.

Maybe I don't belong, maybe things would be the same if I never existed but I am glad I do for all the small moments that make me smile,

I long for the time I laugh with my friends,

I enjoy the routine for my work,

I feel comfort in the teases of my friends and the purrs of our cats,

I love the horrible jokes of my parents,

I cherish the memories and pleasure I received from my lovers,

And I will always be a kind person to the stranger in front of me, I never want them to feel as if they don't belong.

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When the sudden boost of confidence hits: