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It’s been my mission for decades now to bring more love to the planet ❤️🌍❤️. My favorite way to do that is to support men and women in developing the skills to create exquisite relationships. 🔥🌹💖 When we are able to be more loving in our intimate life, it gives us more love to share with the world. What ways do you like to share more love on the planet? ❤️🌍❤️

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Building Confidence With Women

Originally published on TJBartelAuthor.com

Men often ask me how to approach or flirt successfully with women in public settings like weddings, parties, bars, or clubs. Successfully connecting with women, today more than ever, must be done in a safe yet masculine manner. I recommend a very different approach than the heavy-handed norm. Most women have heard just about every pick up line and corny come-on, so forget about that garbage completely.

Success begins before you even leave home. Take time to prepare yourself physically, mentally, and energetically with these visualizations.

Start by turning up the volume on the energy in your pelvis and your heart simultaneously. Dropping energy into your pelvis and testicles puts you into your masculine. While connecting to your heart allows you remain approachable.

Ground and center yourself by visualizing energetic roots glowing and growing from your core out the base of your spine. Visualize connecting these energetic roots with the roots of all the trees, plants, and flowers on the planet. Center yourself by putting attention on your core and then smile with your entire being.

When you arrive at your location, access your energetic roots and core once more. Imagine yourself as grounded and solid as a massive oak tree. Harness, build, and preserve your energy by making every single movement count and activate the energy of joy by putting an authentic smile on your face. Remember that it takes only 17 muscles in your face to smile and 43 to frown.

Your energy is your most precious and powerful commodity. Be intentional with each and every movement, every step and every word.

Powerful, confident men do not need pick up lines or pick-up artist tactics like negging (a horrible and demeaning type of relating). Rather than walking up to women uninvited with cheesy small-talk or even asking if you can buy them a drink, I propose a less intrusive and more unique approach that allows you to be more interesting while minimizing the risks of being annoying or experiencing rejection.

You are there to provide her a safe and alluring interaction not to take from or trick her into giving you her attention.

When you are calm, collected, centered and fully present you become magnetic. This is more about your energy than your looks or clever banter.

Pay attention to your self-talk. Instead of asking internal questions like, “How can I impress her or get her in bed?” Consider how you can help her enjoy herself.

Make eye contact, smile and say hello to give her the opportunity to engage. If she doesn’t deepen the interaction, don’t let it phase you. If she chooses to engage with you, become curious about her and ask questions that she will enjoy answering. Offer her a genuine compliment, but be mindful not be overly aggressive, needy, or assuming. Allow everything to unfold naturally and refrain from asking for a phone number or where she works until you are confident that the connection is real.

Consider asking about where she grew up and if she has siblings. You might ask about her profession and where she went to school. Avoid topics like religion or politics. Build your conversation based on her answers. Follow the energy she is offering. In order to do that you need to be an active listener. This means you’re not judging her answers or rehearsing what you might say next. It is helpful to absorb and repeat her answers inwardly before moving on. Keep it simple and be yourself. No hurry or stress.

It may look something like this:

“So Becky, what was it like growing up in Santa Barbara with three sisters?”

“Are you the youngest?”

“Did you ever wish that you had a brother?”

“I hear the beaches there are amazing, did your family spend much time at the beach?”

Only talk about yourself if she asks a question. Be direct and truthful and keep your answers short and sweet.

BONUS: If you are comfortable dancing ask her to dance. If you are not comfortable dancing, that should be on your TO DO ASAP list. Men who are comfortable in their bodies are much more attractive than those who aren’t, and dancing is a great way to build body-comfort. There are dance studios everywhere. Take group classes or private lessons if you prefer. You could try a hip hop class, or learn partner dancing like swing or salsa.

But, what’s most important is to always be yourself: the best version of yourself, the most present, joyous, centered, grounded, curious, intentional, masculine, loving, kind and considerate version of yourself.

This may take practice, so be patient with the process and with yourself. Have fun and enjoy the process.

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How Habits Can Harm a Relationship

Originally published on TJBartelAuthor.com

A habit is defined as, “a settled or regular tendency or practice, especially one that is hard to give up.” You can think of them as the things we do on auto-pilot. Sometimes they make us feel good – like the habit of drinking water first thing in the morning or the habit of reading a few pages from a favorite book before bed. Sometimes they don’t – like the habit of replaying the awkward moments from our interactions with others, or the habit of reaching for potato chips when we are anxious.

Everyone has their own habits, whether they consider them good or bad, healthy or unhealthy. Most people might not think twice about their habits, especially if they seem to be harmless. But when applied to a relationship, unexamined habits can actually create quite a rift if allowed to go on unconsciously.

Habits and routines can actually lull us into a kind of numbed out life leading to loss of interest in different and new experiences over time. For example, if your daily routine consist of going to work, greeting the same few coworkers, picking your kids up from school afterwards, then coming home and making dinner, hitting the tube and then bed, that repetitiveness causes your brain to go into autopilot, lessening the meaningful interactions you could be having every day. It deadens your openness to novelty and trying new things just because you are in an unexamined habit. This same type of routine and loss of interest can occur in long-term relationships.

Mundane interactions and consistently identical routines cause couples to think less about what they are doing day to day and less about what their significant other is doing as well. This commonly leads to diminishing emotions and a loss of passion. Even worse, should those habits be more bad than good, a vicious cycle is created in which these habits are continued despite efforts to work on them. For example, responding to your partner’s question or comment with anger because of how often you have heard it; something that increases the amount of toxic interactions.

According to social psychologist Wendy Wood, couples can prevent their habitual nature from damaging their relationships through something she calls “habit discontinuity.” Seeing as your daily life is made up of a steady stream of habits, both conscious and subconscious, there is a mix of productive ones and useless ones that continue to manifest through their many years of conditioning. However, that is not to say they cannot be undone.

Opportunities arise throughout life through which you can change your habitual ways. Major life events such as marriage, moving households, or even starting a new relationship all give you a chance to reset emotionally. New habits can be created, pushing old or harmful habits aside. These bigger life events are not necessarily the only way to change, however. By investing some time and attention in being mindful of your own habits, how they apply to your daily life, and whether or not they are benefitting or hurting you, allows you to become more aware and work to change them.

“Habit discontinuity,” as Dr. Wood calls it, reintroduces passion and romance to an otherwise dull relationship. Something as simple as time spent apart can be considered a discontinuity, whether it’s traveling for business or visiting a distant relative. Resolvable arguments are even considered discontinuities as well. Small conflicts force both you and your partner to share your feelings with one another and work to resolve the issue at hand, thus increasing affection.

You can also create that habit of trying something new together once a week. Just choose a day or evening for your “adventure” and alternate who is responsible for finding the novel experience to try each week. If weekly sounds like too much, try monthly. Look at the tourism sight for your city, or check out Trip Advisor, for things to do in your area. Most people rarely see or do all there is available in their home town, saving adventures for vacations in other places. Making adventure dates with your beloved can go a long way toward breaking out of habitual relating to life and each other and boost the passion you feel.

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Rebuilding Attraction in Your Relationship

Originally published on TJBartel.us

Intimacy plays a big role in a relationship. It’s one of the things that can set your partner apart from the rest of the world. When you connect deeply from a place of love, your intimate relationship thrives and comes alive and attraction naturally builds. If you aren’t attracted to your partner, physically or emotionally, the intimacy portion of your relationship can really be a struggle. There are several factors that can contribute to the loss of this attraction, and there are also multiple ways to address the problem.

Understanding the conundrum

In the beginning, most couples have an almost-instant attraction that leads to passionate moments with one another. The biochemicals of attraction are naturally flowing. These biochemicals flood us with love and desire. That stage may not last forever, though. It’s natural that, over time, the honeymoon phase dissipates and is replaced by comfort and familiarity.

Truth be told relationships take energy, time and patience. Maintaining attraction and intimacy are crucial factors is romantic partnerships.

While being comfortable with your partner furthers emotional intimacy, if you become too comfortable, it can greatly impact physical intimacy and attraction. When determining why your physical attraction to your partner has waned, consider whether or not it’s because that initial passion has fizzled out and has been replaced by the ordinary.

It’s also a good idea to think back to when the attraction first started to fade. Was there something significant that occurred around that time, such as the birth of a baby or the death of a family member? If the loss of attraction can be directly related to a major life event, the feelings surrounding that event need to be addressed before the attraction to your partner can be recovered. Other times the biochemicals need to be evoked through principles and practices like Tantra for example.  

Largely, passion and attraction are a result of keeping your relationship polarized. That means the man in the relationship is well-connected to his masculine (outgoing) energy which he will feel most palpably in his testicles, while the woman in the relationship is well-connected to her feminine (receptive) energy which she will feel most palpably in her womb-space. When both parties are at home in their bodies and anchored in their pelvises, the natural attraction that is available at the beginning of the relationship will be nurtured and grow over time rather than petering out.

How to Create More Attraction

One easy way to get the energy of attraction flowing between you is by facing each other and doing a two simple breathing exercises. These exercises will go a long way toward priming the energy pump and allowing your bodies to feel and respond to each other energetically, physically, and sexually.

Exercise #1 – Synchronized Connected Breathing:

Connected breathing simply means that your inhalations are connected with your exhalations without pausing. This creates a continuous flow of energy in and out with the breath. When we take deep, slow breaths with at least ten seconds on the inhalation and ten seconds on the exhalation, the breath is connected, meaning there’s no hesitations. It usually it takes five to ten breaths in order to bring you fully into the present moment and feeling pretty good.

To boost your levels of attraction sit opposite your partner. It works best if you are on the bed or the floor with your legs stretched out and the woman puts her legs on top of the man’s. She can even move closer and actually sit on his lap. The woman can then wrap her legs around him and if possible bringing her feet together to complete the circuit. Next begin breathing in connected breaths together. Breathing in and breathing out together.  When you synchronize your breath with another you create an energetic connection that holds its own frequency allowing you to tune into each other on a much deeper level. Looking softly into each others’ eyes will further enhance this connection. By creating heightened states while eye gazing you build a neuro-association that will eventually allow heightened states to happen just by looking at each other.

Exercise #2 – Reciprocal Breathing:

Once you have done a number of connected breaths, you can move into reciprocal breathing. In reciprocal breathing, one person exhales while the other inhales. This creates a circular movement flowing from the woman’s heart into the man’s heart then from the man’s pelvis to the woman’s pelvis. Begin gently and work up to deeper breaths. Visualize the energy moving out of your body and into your partner when you exhale. Visualize receiving your partner’s breath when you inhale.

When a couple finds themselves in a state of disharmony, doing a few connected breaths followed by several reciprocal breaths can bring them back into harmony and passion. This is also a great way to get sexual energy to flow between you and your beloved. But don’t rush things. If breathing is all your beloved wants for now, let it be enough. If you do this regularly, it will yield results. In more advanced reciprocal breathing you literally breath into each others’ mouths. Once the energy builds enough you will feel drawn to start kissing and stroking each other. Then just follow where your bodies want to go.

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Reframing Negative Mindsets

Originally published on TJBartelEnergy.com

The focus of my career as a relationship coach and Tantric Educator has been to help people return to their natural state of Bliss. This can be done in a variety of ways, through meditation, energy work, and even hands on Tantric work. But all of these modalities will be undermined if a person or couple’s mindset is working against them. In order for you to find your way back into bliss, it is essential to have a positive mindset, one that is free from anxiety and excessive negativity.

For many people, excessive worrying is a thought process that can quickly get in the way of finding the good in life. At its worst, anxiety about the future can even be debilitating. Despite the fact that worrying tends to put us on a negative course to illness and even complacency, many of us continue to worry about even the tiniest concerns, eventually creating a self-fulfilling prophecy of doom and disaster.

If you or someone you love suffers from this destructive habit, consider these tips to assist you in letting go of some of your worry.

Reducing Risk

In a sense, worrying is just a natural extension of risk-reduction. In our minds, we may believe that heading off disasters at the pass by anticipating them before they can occur will make us feel safe and secure in the long-term. Ironically, we can damage our health and even ruin promising outcomes simply by over-calculating the risk involved in making everyday choices. Rather than focusing on how risky a certain course of action is, try listing all the ways it will benefit you to stretch.

Challenging Negative Thoughts

Since reducing anxiety most effectively comes through a conscious reframing of our mindset, it’s important to challenge the negative thoughts we find ourselves thinking. For example, if you tend to avoid making decisions to avoid catastrophes in the future, perhaps try spending some serious time weighing the facts of the situation against the messages that our emotions send us when we’re feeling anxious. Be more objective about the situation. Borrow the perception of someone who is more neutral to determine if you are seeing the situation clearly.

When Reality Isn’t That Bad

More often than not, we’ll discover that a situation that occurs in reality will be far less stressful than what we make it out to be in our minds. In fact, we may even find that the rewards accompanying any risk-taking venture are life-changing for the better. For this reason it’s helpful to step in when you see yourself creating a doomsday scenario.

Dealing with Risk, Enjoying the Rewards

If we continue to avoid making decisions out of a fear that we’ll fail, however, we’ll never get to enjoy the good things that can come from taking a chance and finding a new path in life. Too often, people with anxious thoughts avoid taking such chances at all costs; in the end, all they’re left with are regrets about what could have been. Try starting small with easy risks, like ordering something new at a restaurant, wearing a color that feels out of your comfort zone, or going to a park you have never visited before. Remind yourself you don’t want to miss out on life due to worrying about things that haven’t happened.

The Power of Critical Reasoning

Indeed, it is through this kind of critical thinking that we can best approach a negative mindset. Often, we’ll find that the situations we worry about just aren’t that bad in reality. If we’re upset at the behavior of other people, moreover, we can reframe that frustration by telling ourselves that what people arguably should do is very different from what people actually do. Their choices are up to them, so why should we spend time worrying about those choices?

When we admit that there are things in life that we simply have no control over, we’ll rest easier knowing that we’ll approach what we can control with seriousness and competence. Truly, that is changing our mindset (and our lives) for the better.

When it comes to changing how you feel, let go of the story and move the energy. Once you have rid yourself of anxiety and gained a  more peaceful state, the reasons, justifications, blame and defense mechanisms become irrelevant and bliss is restored.

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Calming Your Anxiety Through Meditation from TJ Bartel on Vimeo.

TJ Bartel explains how meditating can be highly beneficial for individuals that struggle with anxiety.

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What are the Seven Depths of Touch?

Originally published on TJBartel.us

Touch is an important tool used to connect with your partner. Touches can be healing and evoke a number of feelings and sensations. When done with another person, touch should always be done very intentionally. In the Ancient Tantra teachings, there are seven different depths and speeds associated with touch.

The first level of touch is a light one, as light as a whisper. You should be barely touching your partner and just softly holding her. The first level of touch corresponds with the first level of speed, which is very slow micro movements. These movements should be so small and slow that your partner is hardly aware of the fact that you are moving. This touch is mainly energetic, coming not just from your body but also from the sun and the earth moving through your body to hers.

After spending some time in the first level of touch, you can move into the second and third level of touch by applying more and more pressure to your touch until you’re giving a light to medium massage. Add more depth to your touch by switching to different movements such as kneading and squeezing. While your touch deepens, you can consider increasing your speed as well. Take notice of what effect each level of touch and speed has on your partner. Experiment with different types of touch, like palpitations or tapping. Remember to keep your touch light to medium unless you and your partner have discussed using a higher level of touch.

You can also practice running energy, which is transferring energy from one hand to the other. Pay attention to how your partner responds when you run energy and when you don’t.

Getting into the higher levels of touch is not something that should happen without a conversation with your partner outside of your session. The higher levels of touch involve an element of pain to them which is something both parties need to consent to before engaging in.

The fifth level of touch is when a mark is left on the skin, but the mark disappears by the time the session is over, for example a rosy glow on the skin from light spanking. This is an area that requires significant communication and well defined boundaries and agreements before you try them. If you choose to experiment with this, agree upon a way to communicate the desire to stop.

The sixth level and seventh levels of touch from the ancient art of Tantra were used more as a ritual element. They cause pain and leave a lasting mark on their skin through scratching, biting, spanking or through other methods. Again, experimenting at this level requires a prior conversation with your partner and for you to set boundaries, including a way to communicate the desire to stop.

Try inviting your partner into a session with the sole purpose of exploring and playing with the levels of speed and touch. Most people will be satisfied with levels one through four, and possibly level five. Keep the line of communication open with your partner and encourage her to provide feedback about your touch and what she likes the most.

Tj provides coaching for men and couples wishing to increase the quality of their relationship, both in and out of the bedroom. Visit Tj’s coaching website to learn more.

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Adverse Childhood Experiences and Their Effect on Adults

Originally published on TJBartel.us

Adverse Childhood Experiences, commonly referred to as ACEs, are defined as any traumatic experience a child has gone through that directly harms the development of his or her brain. This directly affects how they respond to stress and can even go as far as damaging their immune systems, so much so that these side effects last well into their adult lives. Mental health issues, chronic illness, and behavioral disorders can frequently trace their roots back to ACEs.

Examples of adverse childhood experiences include physical, sexual, or verbal abuse, neglect, witnessing abuse firsthand, a death in the family, divorce, or even having a family member suffering from mental illness or addiction. The ways in which a child could be exposed to such traumatic events are vast, and these are just a few of the many. Depending on how a child’s stress management skills have developed, other ACEs can include racism, gender discrimination, poor foster care, or living in an unsafe neighborhood.

Given the plethora of reasons one can go through an adverse childhood experience, it should come as no surprise that nearly 64% of adults today have gone through at least one. During these years, older individuals are at risk of serious health problems due to ACEs. This includes an increased risk of heart disease, cancer, mental illnesses, and violence.

Behavioral issues are not exclusive to children who have gone through these events either. Adults often develop smoking habits, alcoholism, drug use, and experience significantly more relationship problems than the average person, all of which can contribute to what is known as “toxic stress.”

Toxic stress is an extreme form of stress that causes someone to live every day in fight or flight mode. This can be severely detrimental to the body, as the constant release of adrenaline and cortisol prevents blood pressure from lowering, which can damage the heart and circulatory system as a whole. An increase in cortisol can also cause osteoporosis, arthritis, and weaken the immune system. Constantly being in a state of stress or panic can even result in one’s immune system attacking parts of their own body.

Since emotions are chemical residues of the past that evoke more thoughts to justify the feelings we have, people often get stuck in a vicious and never-ending cycle of blame. This blame brings us into a state of biochemical toxicity. Getting stuck in this loop is a massive waste of our precious energy. Learning to think above and beyond your emotional state is imperative.

With all of these negative side effects coming as a result of adverse childhood experiences, it might seem impossible for anyone to overcome all of these. However, there is hope. The human brain is designed to change based on its environment. Should those harmful stressors be replaced with positive practices, those years of damage can slowly be undone over time. For example, mindful meditation, yoga, NAC and professional therapy have all been found to reverse the effects of ACEs and help those experiencing these traumatic feelings get back to a happier, healthier way of life.

In addition to these traditional approaches, body-based energy practices can also provide powerful relief and permanent re-patterning of neural and biochemical habits. In order to maximize healthy function and make lasting changes, you need to activate and align your energy body and energy centers. The ANS – Autonomic Nervous System can be accessed through the energy centers or “chakras.” Based on my 16 years of experience working with the nexus between the physical and energetic body, I have developed a process to align the subtle energy field that sits at the foundation of our life experience. These Lifeforce Energetic Alignment Protocol, or LEAP sessions, are another way to mitigate the challenge of adverse childhood experiences.

To learn more about Tj Bartel and how he helps men and couples create more harmonious, deeply intimate relationships, visit LeapForBliss.com.

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Filtering Your Communication in a Relationship

Originally published on TJBartelAuthor.com

In my previous blog, I detailed the ‘CLEAR’ method and how you can be personally responsible when communicating with your partner. Seeing as communication is one of, if not the most important aspect of a healthy relationship, making the most of this should be prioritized. You can do this by implementing “filters” when thinking of how exactly you want to speak and how you want to be understood. If you are able to use the following five filters, you will almost guarantee the clearest communication possible.

Is it Necessary?

Is what you are planning on saying going to add any value to the conversation at hand? Be mindful of sharing opinions and whether or not those opinions are negative. If they are going to add value, would they be helpful upon sharing them? Avoid gossip or confrontational statements and only strive to provide valuable insight if possible.

Is it Kind?

Never make a mean comment out of spite or with the intention of hurting your partner. Take a step back and consider if your next comment is a result of anger. If it is, take a deep breath and move on. Know the intention of your words and think about how they will affect the person you are speaking to. The ultimate goal should be to make the two of you closer.

Is it an “I” Statement?

An “I” statement is defined as voicing your concerns and sharing your perspective on a specific situation. For example, telling your partner “I feel upset when you don’t listen” is a much better alternative to “You make me upset when you don’t listen.” It’s a way of sharing your feelings consciously without pointing fingers. Passive aggressive comments will only shift blame and upset the person on the receiving end of them.

Is it True?

Never assume what you are about to say is factual. Pause to think about if your next comment is true or if you are simply trying to manage your partner’s perceptions. Are you trying to tell them how they feel, think, or why they may have done something? That is not something you could possibly know and therefore nothing more than a guess.

Am I Taking Personal Responsibility?

Make sure you are not blaming your partner or attempting to control them. Be personally responsible for your actions and how they may have contributed to the ensuing conversation. It can be easy shifting the blame and attempting to save face. Even blaming yourself is counterproductive and only negatively affects your mental health and relationships overall. Taking personal responsibility allows you to productively acknowledge what needs to be fixed and take the appropriate steps to do so.

To learn more about Tj Bartel and how he helps men and couples create more harmonious, deeply intimate relationships, visit his coaching website.

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Getting Over a Fear of Commitment

Originally published on TJBartel.us

What comes up for your when you hear the word commitment? Most people think of commitment in terms of relationship. We make a commitment to be in partnership with a person. We also make commitments to ourselves. We can be committed to our work, our personal growth, our weekend plans, our pets, kids or partners. Making and keeping commitments is an integral part of being in right relationship with ourselves and each other. Sometimes it is hard work.

But for some people, committing to a course of action or another person moves beyond hard and becomes outright scary. Perhaps you have experienced this yourself or been close to someone that has this issue.  

For anyone that is unfamiliar with the common mental health issue involving a fear of commitment, it is a self-destructive behavioral pattern that inhibits a person from forming healthy social bonds due to a wide variety of hardwired fears. A person that lives their entire life trapped in perpetual fear of commitment is a person that is on course to rob themselves of the best that life has to offer.

End the Lies

Ultimately, at the end of the day, fear of commitment is a person lying to themselves. Oftentimes, a person with a fear of commitment will have a moment of clarity where they realize that they actually want to commit to something, but internal lies are preventing them from moving forward. From that moment, many people will come out of their shell and try commitment for the first time.

Elevate Your Self-Esteem in Other Ways

Many people with a fear of commitment might seek out shallow interpersonal connections, like brief flings with people they hardly know. This is often done as a means of boosting a person’s self-esteem in light of their fear of commitment, but it typically has a rebound effect that can cause self-esteem to plummet once the meaninglessness of it all is realized.

Fake Happiness Until it is Real

People that fear commitment can feel lonely and unhappy at times. In most cases, becoming a happier person can build one’s self-esteem enough that they are willing to risk a committed relationship. Studies have shown that fake smiles, laughter, and even fake happiness will eventually turn into a real manifestation of those feelings, as the brain will strengthen the neural pathways responsible for mental positivity.

Exercise and Eat Right

Fit, healthy, and powerful people are not typically sitting around dwelling in fear. Fear of commitment is a sad state of affairs that most healthy people seek to avoid. If you or someone you love has this fear, a solution can be to set aside some time to get healthy and fit which will, in turn, build up self-esteem and help refute any irrational fears.

Have Faith

One of the easiest yet scariest things a person can do is take a leap of faith. In other words, instead of fearing loss or betrayal, dive into a committed relationship and don’t overthink it. Taking a leap of faith is admitting that no one has all of the answers and allowing what will be, to be.

While many of these strategies may seem hard to do at first, getting past your fear is essential for a healthy life so it’s worth making the effort to challenge yourself to grow in your ability to commit to yourself as well as others.

To learn more about Tj Bartel and how he helps men and couples create more harmonious, deeply intimate relationships, visit his coaching website.

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Calming Your Anxiety Through Meditation

Originally published on TJBartelEnergy.com

Having that anxious feeling in the pit of your stomach is one of the worst feelings in the world. Throughout life, most individuals experience anxiety at one point or another. Anxiety can also manifest as sweaty palms, tension in the face, neck, shoulders or back.

There can be multiple causes for anxiety such as one’s financial stability, home life, social life, or education. How much anxiety you feel at any given time is dependent upon the wellbeing you experience in each of these arenas. Despite the multitude of stressors that may initiate anxiety, it’s comforting to know that there are many ways to quell these negative feelings and potentially remove the stressors altogether.

A few ways to calm anxiety include things like aromatherapy, exercise, breathing deeply, and even meditation. In fact, meditation has been extensively researched as an effective method to reduce anxiety. It has also been shown to have added benefits such as reducing stress, lowering blood pressure, and even increasing the effectiveness of smoking cessation.

Anxiety

Anxiety is described as the body and mind’s response to stressful, unfamiliar, or dangerous situations. It is inherently a survival mechanism that may have helped early ancestors stay alert in the presence of danger, but in today’s hectic world it can be triggered by non-life-threatening situations. Anxiety can present itself in various ways like a lack of concentration, restlessness, and irritability. It also has the potential to cause physical symptoms such as an accelerated heart rate, sweating, trembling, or even high blood pressure.

Common Causes of Anxiety

Although anxiety can certainly be triggered by dangerous situations, there are also a myriad of non-life-threatening situations that can spark it. The root cause behind anxiety varies from person to person, but there are a few known reasons it is experienced by many:

Financial Stress – Financial stability is a common cause of stress for most and it can be a major cause of anxiety.

Educational Pressure – Various educational pressures like worrying about grades, registration, or one’s social status in school can cause anxiety.

Family Life – Family life can often cause stressful situations and bring about anxiety. Situations like marriage, pregnancy, and general discord can all be triggers.

Trauma – Traumatic experiences can cause anxiety and even result in PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder), a chronic stress response to a traumatic experience that has long subsided.

Medications and other Substances – Medications and other substances can exacerbate or cause anxiety. Some medications may elicit anxiety as a side effect. Some substances like caffeine or other stimulants can both exacerbate or cause anxiety if too much is consumed as well.

Treating Anxiety

While treating the root cause behind anxiety disorders is often recommended by healthcare practitioners, there are multiple treatment options for calming anxiety. Seeing that anxiety may cause various symptoms, treatment options have to be implemented based on the circumstances of the individual. Treatment options for anxiety include medications, behavioral therapies, physical therapies, and even self-help options like meditation.

Meditation

Meditation is described as the process of learning to reside in the present moment without judgement. This includes the judgement of external situations, emotions, and thoughts. There are various techniques used in meditation, but one of the most common techniques is focusing on one’s breathing and returning to it when distractions arise. Through practicing meditation, one may experience a multitude of health benefits like reduced stress, lower blood pressure, and improved coping mechanisms to stressful situations.

How Meditation Works

While there isn’t one “right” way to meditate, there are a few meditation practices that can help individuals anchor themselves in the present moment. These include breathing techniques, body scanning, and even walking. These techniques help the individual focus their attention, and through practice, become aware of their own thoughts and emotions without letting them control their wellbeing.

Calming Anxiety with Meditation

Meditation is a highly effective tool for calming anxiety. After all, the practice itself deals with learning to allow thoughts and emotions through without judgmental tones. It is this rumination on thoughts or emotions that causes them to grow and for anxiety to persist. By learning to be aware of them without ruminating or judging them, one can take a step back and remain calm. However, just like any skill, it takes practice. A recommended start is setting a goal of three minutes each day to meditate until it becomes simple enough to move towards a higher goal.

To learn more about Tj Bartel and how he helps men and couples create more harmonious, deeply intimate relationships, visit his coaching website.

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Personal Responsibility in Communication with Your Partner

Originall published on TJBartelAuthor.com

Several years back I was working with a couple who were struggling with their communication. I taught them about the importance of taking responsibility for the words they chose when communicating. This becomes very difficult when triggered. I taught them how important it is to try to take a break or a pause when they feel their energy rising. Otherwise they will find it impossible to speak responsibly and carefully.

In order to practice personal responsibility, your actions, words and feelings must be measured and shared from a place of deep honesty. You must be honest with yourself so that you are able to in tune with your own feelings, wants, and needs, no matter what they may be. While this can feel risky or scary at times, it is essential for you to communicate clearly and with integrity in your relationship, and for your partner to better understand how you are feeling; a key component of every healthy relationship.

A strategy I like to use for implementing personal responsibility in how you present yourself is ‘CLEAR’ communication, which stands for conscious, loving, encouraging, authentic, and respectful.

Conscious communication is being responsible, mindful and deliberate in speaking as well as listening. What you say and how you say it is of vital importance. Consider your words beforehand and understand what emotions they may evoke in the person you are speaking to. This is something few people do today, often resulting in prolonged circular arguments among couples and feelings of frustration that could have otherwise been avoided.

Effectively speaking consciously means being able to listen consciously as well. This is active listening versus passive listening. This requires paying attention to what your partner is saying in the moment rather than thinking about how you are going to respond. Our brains are often distracted or seeking to validate our own perceptions, so this can be easier said than done. If you notice you have drifted away from active listening you can get back on track by admitting having drifted off and asking your partner to repeat themselves. Using the ‘mirror technique’ is another way you can ensure your partner’s voice is being heard. Repeat back to them what they’ve said to you and ask if you’ve heard correctly. This allows for clarification in the moment if need be.

Loving communication is not simply verbal affection, but rather communicating with your partner from a place of love. The end goal is connecting and sharing your love for one another effectively while sharing your perspectives, needs, desires and requests in a way that works well for all involved. The opposite of this would be speaking to each other in a competitive manner, essentially keeping score and trying to prove that you are right. All this does is harm your relationship and create tension when arguments arise. This is when being right seems more important than being in harmony.

Encouraging communication is speaking in a way that is inspirational to your partner, encouraging them to be the best version of themselves they can be. This type of language builds relationships and creates a stronger bond between partners. A great example of how inspirational and encouraging language supports joint outcomes can be found the metaphor of team sports. When teammates do well, we cheer. When they make a mistake, we call them up to remember their greatness and encourage them to stay in the game and try again. As a couple, you are playing together on the same team, not against each other. Speaking in a discouraging manner is a mutually detrimental practice that will only prevent your relationship from growing. Remind your partner just how valuable they are and how much they mean to you.

Authentic communication is just that; speaking truthfully and honestly. Hiding how you truly feel and what you are thinking is only going to create unhealthy boundaries in your relationship. Tell your partner what you are looking for and how you are feeling while being mindful of your exact words and their possible impact. But take note, it can be easy to fall into the trap of communicating in a manipulative way, phrasing your words just to get what you want. Authentically communicating with kindness is the goal. Being kind and thoughtful is the opposite of manipulation. It is about wanting the communication to be successful, the connection to be strong, not necessarily about a particular outcome.

Respectful communication falls more in line with knowing what not to say and understanding when it should not be discussed. For example, personal conversations in a public place, sore subjects, or referencing a past trauma that may evoke negative feelings. Be aware of your motives before bringing up something that might not be taken well. From a gender perspective, a man may try to control the conversation in a misogynistic way, speaking down to women, while a women may attempt to emasculate men to gain the upper hand. Speak equally and with respect.

To learn more about Tj Bartel and how he helps men and couples create more harmonious, deeply intimate relationships, visit his coaching website.

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4 Reasons Why You May Be Struggling to Find Balance in Your Life

Originally published on TJBartelEnergy.com

It can be difficult to find balance in one’s life with so many responsibilities and relationships to juggle. We may end up feeling overwhelmed by it all. Below are four reasons you may find yourself continuing to struggle with finding and maintaining balance in your life.

You haven’t clearly defined your idea of balance.

Wishing for balance without truly understanding what it means to you is pointless. This varies for everyone, whether it means balancing one’s responsibilities, work-life, family, friends, or personal time.

Sometimes it just feels good to write down our emotions on paper. While we may not feel comfortable talking to someone, we can still release some of our emotions by jotting them down in a journal. It’s a great tool to use to talk about what’s going on in our lives and how to better find balance with what we are struggling with.

Once you have an idea about what a balanced life means, you can begin to make choices that align with that vision. And, you can measure your progress in moving toward the life-balance you desire.

You are not practicing self-discipline.

If you are struggling with finding balance in your life, you may need to set boundaries with yourself and with others. We all can benefit by practicing saying no. We don’t have to do everything that others want us to do, or partake in activities that we know will not be beneficial. In order to live a balanced life, you will have to give yourself permission to prioritize making balanced choices. Don’t feel guilty about turning down something that will make you feel overwhelmed.

You aren’t making time for yourself.

It’s impossible to find balance if we don’t make time for ourselves. It can be something as simple as indulging in a hobby of yours or giving yourself time to relax and decompress. It doesn’t matter what you plan to do in your free time as long as it gives you some time away from your daily obligations. This is something nobody should feel guilty about. It’s difficult, and eventually impossible, to take care of others if you don’t take care of yourself.

As the Buddha says, “You can search throughout the entire universe for someone who is more deserving of your love and affection than you are yourself, and that person is not to be found anywhere. You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe deserve your love and affection.”

You don’t have a consistent plan.

By having a plan, we can achieve much more balance in our lives. Make a schedule each week. If you have too much going on, there is no shame in canceling something to make time. None of us should feel rushed from the moment we get out of bed until the end of the day. Having a plan will allow you to visualize every task you have throughout the day or week. Make sure you are including time to rest, time to recharge and be inspired, and time to care for yourself. Then celebrate when you see the week has unfolded in a more balanced way. And then allow for some unscheduled time. Being scheduled to the brim is counterproductive.

In conclusion, there are some ways that we can all find balance in our lives. By utilizing the above tips, you will feel less stressed and have more control. Creating balance will allow you to live a better life and be more effective in your everyday tasks.

To learn more about Tj Bartel and how he helps men and couples create more harmonious, deeply intimate relationships, visit his coaching website.

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Mindset Awareness and its Importance in Relationships

Originally published on TJBartelAuthor.com

In recent years, much media attention has been given to Stanford psychologist Carol S. Dweck’s idea of “fixed” vs. “growth” mindsets. Describing the ways in which people tend to cope with various challenges, Dweck’s theories have radically changed our notion of how individuals sustain successful relationships and careers.

Here are just a few ways in which our mindset can affect our interactions with others while dating, and why emphasizing long-term personal growth over short-term achievement can lead to truly satisfying and healthy relationships over time.

Fixed Mindset Thinking

For people who may have grown up in an environment where results were prized over efforts, it is easy for a fixed mindset to become a dominant pattern of thinking. For such people, the idea that our skills and abilities are “fixed” and unchangeable can become a serious barrier to personal growth: Believing themselves to be “locked-in” to a particular path in life due to natural limitations in intelligence or ability, people with a fixed mindset may come to view problems as overwhelming or even hopeless when they are not easily solved.

2. Growth Mindset Thinking

When people tend to view the idea of developing new skills as a process rather than a fixed outcome determined solely by natural ability, on the other hand, they are said to demonstrate a “growth” mindset. For these individuals, coping with and even failing at difficult challenges is a natural part of personal development. Instead of giving up on their objective when they reach an impasse, these individuals tend to look for new strategies to achieve their goals.

3. How Mindset Affects Relationships

As you might imagine, a person’s mindset can affect their relationships and love life in a variety of ways. For someone with a fixed mindset, the challenges inherent to a relationship will likely seem insurmountable once they reach a certain level of difficulty. Rather than adapting to the changing needs of a loved one, for example, these people may simply give up on a relationship altogether.

Ironically, this kind of risk-averse behavior can often lead individuals into a cycle of codependent relationships in which challenges are ignored rather than confronted. When risk is associated with failure, individuals will often do anything to maintain the status quo and avoid confrontation.

In contrast, a person with a growth mindset may view challenges in a relationship as opportunities for personal growth and learning. They will likely view setbacks with a partner as a natural part of any healthy relationship. Instead of giving up, these individuals will tend to look at new ways to better the situation.

For these reasons, seeking out a growth mindset when dating can be a vital way to improve one’s personal relationships for the better. It is never easy to change our way of thinking, of course, but sometimes doing so is an essential step towards maturity and happiness. Truly, that is dating at its best!

Having a growth mindset is the key to creating better relationships. Click here to read about 5 daily attitude changes you can make to  improve your relationship.

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5 Daily Attitude Changes to Improve Your Relationship

Originally published on TJBartelEnergy.com

Maintaining a healthy relationship with a partner over the long term is typically not an easy task. This requires work from both partners and a willingness to commit to one another to ensure mutual happiness. Should you be experiencing a certain amount of turmoil in your dating life, worry not. There are plenty of ways to strengthen your relationship regardless of how stable it is.

Making simple daily attitude changes can breathe new energy into anyone’s love life. Life is all about effort, and your relationship should be no exception. With a little effort, anyone’s relationship can be on the fast track to being as healthy and wonderful as ever.

Value Yourself – The foundation of every relationship should be built upon two people valuing themselves, then dedicating their time to building a life together. One-sided relationships are bound to be riddled with problems. Love is a two-way street, and a strong relationship cannot be developed until both partners love themselves first. This isn’t natural for many people. It often takes working with a coach or therapist to help resolve old wounds or stories that get in the way of valuing ourselves.

Be Thankful – Being mindful of the good things in life takes effort as well. It can be easy for people to focus solely on the negative aspects of life, forgetting what is truly most important. By fine-tuning the mind a little bit each day, a person can learn to more clearly see the greater things about their relationship and their partner.

Feel Deserved – When it comes to maintaining a healthy relationship, both parties involved need to feel that they deserve each other. Are you able to feel on a deep level that your partner and you are both deserving of love? The moment one person in the relationship starts to feel undeserving, insecurities will flood in and potentially ruin the relationship as a whole. Each partner should feel deserving of the love they receive. Conversely, if one partner feels the other is undeserving, that creates another imbalance based on the illusion of superiority. Healthy partners have neither an inflated or deflated idea about their deservedness. They feel equally matched, even though they understand the relationship will go through natural ups and downs.

Feel Beautiful – Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. No one should ever feel as though their partner does not find them to be beautiful both inside and out. When it comes to relationships, feeling attractive to the other person is very important, as it gives both parties involved a sense of self-worth and being wanted. Relationships remain healthy when proper self-esteem is maintained. That can be a challenge in a world that pushes a narrative about what is and is not attractive – physically, financially, spiritually, sexually, etc. Even those who seem to have that “it” factor can get caught up in seeking an unattainable perfection through surgeries, spiritual gurus, exercise and work addictions, and certainly sexual additions. But no amount of external affirmation will create a lasting sense of your own beauty and wonder. Feeling beautiful is an inside job.

True Partnership – Strong couples should feel as though they are with their true partners. While finding your “perfect soulmate” seems like quite a tall order, any two people can make a strong, loving couple together, especially if they have a growth mindset. A true partner is someone who is willing to do the work of actually being themselves and allowing their partner to do the same. It takes courage to be vulnerable enough to show your true self to another, but no partnership can reach its full potential unless the partners have the chance to love and be loved for who they truly are.

To learn more about Tj Bartel and how he helps men and couples create more harmonious, deeply intimate relationships, visit his coaching website.

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How to Free Yourself from the Poisonous Effects of Anger and Avoid Blowing Up your Relationships (Part 3 of 3)

Originally published on TJBartelEnergy.com

In part 1 and part 2 of this blog series I taught you a couple of simple yet powerful techniques for diffusing your anger before it has the chance to become toxic and spill out onto others poisoning everyone around, including you.

In this post, I will address how you can protect yourself from others who might direct anger at you and keep their excessive energy from triggering your anger.

If you are in a volatile relationship, you may not be the only one expressing toxic anger. Very likely you learned the energetic habit of attention that causes your anger to overflow from others in your life. It’s useful to know how to keep others’ anger out of your own energy field as that simply puts a strain on your field and can cause you to be quicker to anger.

You can use the Bubble Technique for protecting yourself from the anger of others. This technique trains you to use an impenetrable bubble to keep out the harmful anger of others.

In reality this bubble already exists around you, but most people have never been trained to notice it or interact with it. Just like every cell in your body has a protective membrane, and the earth has the protective barrier of the atmosphere, you too have a protective edge around your personal space. This space is sometimes called an auric field. It extends in an egg shape all around you about as far out as your arm span, as well as above and below you.

By using the practice of putting your attention on the edge of your energy field, you can strengthen it and considerably enhance its effectiveness.

The BUBBLE TECHNIQUE

Focus – Put your attention on the edge of your energy field.

Center – Center yourself in your bubble. Your edge should be approximately at the end of your arms extended out fully. Sometimes you may find it’s cramped and too close to your body. Sometimes you might find it’s diffuse and too far from your body. Push it out or pull it in as necessary to center yourself.

Strengthen – Imagine your auric edge being impenetrable. You can fill it with light or a color that feels powerful to you. Imagine it’s surface as titanium or teflon.

Shape – Shape the front of your bubble into a point, like the bow of a boat. Place the point of your boat at the outside edge of the angry person then simply allow their energy to pass by you on your left and right like water passing by the boat. This way you can listen and learn without taking on being mowed down by their rage.

Another technique is a “buttonektomy.” For decades I have listened while people ask me to teach their partners how NOT to push their buttons. While this is a worthy and understandable desire, it is suboptimal. A better request is to ask for help dealing with your internal issues so that you have no buttons to push.

Tj Bartel is an author, teacher and coach who helps men and couples create passionate, harmonious, and loving relationships that last through his signature combination of modern neuroscience, cutting edge personal growth techniques, and ancient Tantric and Taoist wisdom.

If you want help learning and practicing these and other life-enhancing techniques, visit Tj’s website and check out the Great Lover Blueprint Course and his private coaching sessions.

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How to Free Yourself from the Poisonous Effects of Anger and Avoid Blowing Up your Relationships (Part 2 of 3)

Originally published on TJBartelEnergy.com

In Part 1 of this post I discussed the importance of understanding the energetic behind anger in order to effectively intervene when your anger begins to rise.

Using the analogy of household wiring, we can understand what needs to be done in order to avoid getting trapped in rising anger that overflows.

Just like the electricity in your home needs a ground so it doesn’t short out and catch fire, the energy in your body needs a way to ground so you don’t overload it and boil over. Think of this exercise as a way of building in a breaker box so that you can flip a switch and diffuse your anger before it burns your house down.

You can also think of it as upgrading the wiring in your home from a voltage capacity of 110 to 220. Over time you will be able to stay calm and centered in the midst of the kinds of upsets that would have triggered your anger to erupt.

In this exercise, you can stop the anger from boiling over by “unplugging” or “cooling off” for a time. If you have ever left your cell phone in the sun, you know that it will shut itself off to protect itself from overheating. By putting it in the fridge for a few minutes and bringing the temperature down, it will turn on and function correctly. The PAUSE technique works the same way.

When you feel anger creeping up you make the choice to Take a Pause.

The key is to think of it casually, just like you would if you were watching your favorite show but need a snack or restroom break. There’s no judgement, only a need or desire to take care of something (getting food or emptying your bladder).

STEPS TO PAUSE:

Stop – Do not react or argue with the person when your anger is triggered.

Step Away – Say, “I need to take a pause. I’ll be back in about 20 minutes.” Then remove yourself from the stressful situation.

Breathe – Spend 10-20 minutes taking slow deep breaths. Inhalation and exhalations should be as close as you can get to 10 seconds each.

Smile – Put a smile on your face and imagine connecting your brain with your heart.

Imagine – Think of something funny or pleasant. Recall one of your favorite memories, or something you feel grateful for and smile into the memory. When the smile starts to feel natural you are making the necessary shifts and can return to address the issue at hand from a calm and centered place.

Practice taking a pause with small things, like frustration with a program on your computer not working properly or with a task that is difficult and becoming annoying. If you are able to use the pause technique easily for small triggers, it will be more likely you will remember to use it when you really need it in larger, more anger provoking circumstances.

Head on over to Part 3 to learn how to protect yourself from others’ anger.

To learn more about Tj Bartel and how he helps men and couples create more harmonious, deeply intimate relationships, visit his coaching website.