todanceistodream-blog - Tumblr blog

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Maybe..

sexual assault lasts beyond the initial moment_ it happens and we feel detached, we feel numb, pilling up the excuses as to why we feel the way we do, i am overreacting, it was not that bad, i can get over this, maybe they are lonely and just need love, maybe: i am crying, 5 years later i still wake up screaming sometimes, if anyone touches me in my sleep i am overcome with fear and anger and immediately awaken, i cannot sleep next to others, i cannot find my heart to share, it is cold outside and so i wrap myself in these threads of terror and hold them close, for a warmth in my chest is all i desire to feel, yet a dark and abysmal expanse lies between What Has Occurred and What May Yet_ i just want to be able to love again_ please, God, will you not aid_?

help me_

#sexualassault #awareness #suffering #mentalhealth #assault #ptsd #depression #turmoil #metoo #heartache #nightmare #miscalt #misc_alt_ #struggle #healing #helpme https://www.instagram.com/p/BoyS5LAH8rM/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=137vhkmygfgoi

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On a train to the dentist I was sat opposite to two mothers, without really going into too much into detail about the mothers as beyond what you see on the exterior you really have no idea. One of them was white, the other a very beautiful reflection of modern Islam.

The moment that got me smiling was the 4-5 year old girl, maybe younger, who at some point got off her seat and started marching towards the train door and insisting on it with her finger with a deadly serious look on her face. They were apparently 2 stops early but thinking about it all got me giggling. She wasn't exactly grumpy either (or was she) as she played with her friend but thinking about it made me realise just how open kids really are, and it is us and the world who teach them to hate and all that other delightful stuff.

Both the mothers and kids knew each other from before, but it got me just thinking about the future and whats possible if many start giving eachother human respect they deserve. Surely its the least we can do to start overcoming dishonesty and the pain of those in countries less fortunate than ours. Those that realise they don't want certain people continue ruling over bits of this world, be it a bar or a country, in a way that would make anybody feel unsafe.

I know its wishful thinking, but..

The one that had me think further on how far we've all come and yet to go was when the other mother's child was hoping to get a cuddle by sticking his hands in the air and trying to climb on top of her. Initially I thought she was going to but then sat him down all sensible in the seat next to her, which could've happened for a million reasons, but its fun to wonder.

Finding out the truth about people is one thing, but preparing yourself for moments where you can really help the people that surround you the right way, no matter where they've come from or what they've done is something, is something completely different.

As time goes I'll continue speaking to people in what will be increasingly accessible spaces which can then focus on promotion to the world and getting incredibly inspiring music into Kyiv at such a pivotal moment in its history. For people who will try their hardest to speak their mind as honestly as it comes, and others around who will be able to support that honesty with their own, for hopes of a stronger world.

Full anonymity will have to be ensured in many moments (all the extra measures for those that need them) because I know there are many more people out there who will be speaking about things that much (probably) of the world would rather we don't.

Yesterday I finally returned to Stour Space after many months of distancing myself from it and everyone there (because I simply wasn't ready, will talk more about this later) in hopes of speaking to people I had found the last time I was there, and just to be heard by people who actually listen and already know where the world is headed.

The person I did end up speaking to came out of the blue and also happened to be the first person that I ever spoke to when I came to Stour Space, showed me around, and made me feel a kind of safe different to everywhere I had been before. There were other places in the past that you'd also hope to be that and in a lot of ways were that, but were simply organised by people a kind of dishonest with themselves that affected how honest they would be with you.

A fair bit of awkwardness ensued and head went racing. To think I nearly left at some point to come back tomorrow because that voice really was definitely trying, but ended up just calming down and writing finishing a witness statement by the canal and sunshine for about 2 hours. Was quite a ride but pulled through.

The one I wrote the day before was a much more personal statement about just what happened working at this bar, and why it shouldn't ever have happened in the first place. Personally a first for me but such situations aren't going to continue so I'm staying strong.

It all changes from this moment, and all those difficult situations before happened so that I could truly understand now why it is so important that I continue trusting my gut. After all those other people and places who dismissed me, many who simply would rather shun and shame instead of support, and for all those people who just aren't in a position to do it themselves.

I'm not gonna name any other names here or in the future but know that I've been all over London and even though it has been exhausting its the fact that in it was actually empowering me, little by little.

It got to a point where I was feeling strong enough to discover Stour Space about 6 months ago. I walked in and something only really possible with the idealising I'll never let go of. Even though it got me into all sorts of bad places before I never stopped believing it would get me to people and places the kind of good I've been daydreaming about for a very long time.

What I will be doing is posting both of the witness statements (exactly as they will be seen in court, if it comes to that) a little after I've spoken to the good people from See It From Her (link below) which isn't to say that I'll change my mind or what I wrote but I'm just not ready to share that here. There might be nobody reading now or for a while but it's what feels right and that's a feeling that when respected has gotten me further than I could've ever imagined.

Before writing them I knew that I'd want them to be public just because of how clear the harassment was (on top of many other things) how I felt about it, and I knowing that this situation needed me to be a kind of ready that I'm not letting overwhelm me. I know I might have to go to very serious lengths but See It From Her will be there to support me through the process when I feel ready to proceed.

It's the fact that this is something far bigger than me or this bar and I'm not letting them get away with breaking a law that is almost 9 years old now. It is a very good establishment with a lot of growth on the way, but first it has to first get with the times or people will eventually think twice about who is creating their experiences.

Sincerely believe they are a very good future of bars, only if they have as much passion for it (or money, haha) that will encourage them to do everything that needs to be done to make their bar(s) safe.

Thank you for getting this far, no matter how long it took. Whether you believe it now or not we're going to figure this all out together <3

https://www.seeitfromher.com

See It From Her + (SIFH+) is a project that supports women and those who feel oppressed because of their gender identity, to have a voice and be heard through photography and image.

SIFH+ is exclusively run by, and supports all women (trans, intersex and cis) non-binary, agender and gender variant people

-GF-

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CXEMA 17.06.

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Was initially Morrisons shopping with my sister before the power went out a couple of items before we paid

Couldn’t get any of the shopping so ended up going to Noodle City, and she opened this up.. Heh..

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“Realising that other people don’t have the power to influence your behaviour is freeing”

Laura Kennedy - July 28, 2016

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“sometimes we fall in love with someone quite the opposite of us, that doesn’t mean they’re the wrong person. it just means, we’re about to go on one heck of an adventure; to understand why love is such a big deal.”

— Ekta Somera

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:))

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Went on another walk, this time with a neighbor and her best friend. Quite a feeling knowing that you haven’t been enjoying the simpler (but essential) things how much I should always have been when completely alone. Sadly didn’t find the right moment to appreciate Rocko in all his beauty, just you wait!

Anyway, she has been living on the street longer than anybody else now, on top of being the only neighbour I’ve ever spoken to like that. My initial memory was her husband dying what has turned out to be 13 years ago and us never really speaking since, however us being on the same road was enough to bring us back together now. Its certainly a new kind of connection because of how close yet detached she is from all the nonsense that has ever been, been invited to spend time with her and some friends so still a lot to see.

She ended up hugging me and expressing gratitude to which I still don’t know exactly what I felt. It just happened suddenly and although feeling a little conflicted when it comes to all that because of recent history with people who weren’t as close as they’d have me believe I know it was a very important step. Of course I know that I should simply be over the moon about such steps and that even though they are the foundations for being able to help people the way I’ve imagined it there is a lot that is yet to happen.

It all happened so naturally and disconnected from both our regular lives that I didn’t even think about recording it until we were halfway round the park. Didn’t ask and still think it has been the right thing to do, same going for all the conversations that I’ve been having with people about their lives, simply because I didn’t want to put unneccesary pressure on those moments.

Not that there was any, as I tend to be very careful about who I talk with and I’m very aware of what my intensity can be like. Anyway, it didn’t feel right so I did what I did.

In hindsight it would be real useful to learn from but the way I talk myself into it is that there’ll be plenty more opportunities in the future when I’m ready to create the space I feel is needed to talk about all sorts, on top of mental health.

Continuing to follow what feels right was always going to be this conflicting, those moments of self-doubt aren't exactly something new, more so the intensity it's hitting me with ever since I thought to start writing here. The kind of intensity that would have many before me stop short of taking the steps that they need to be truly 'happy' or whatever you're following. If you don’t feel ready then learn to respect that feeling, because it is very real and suppressing it as someone who should be gentle with their progress can even make things worse.

Just how grateful for all the things that have gotten me to here is something I'm quite keen to share because I sincerely believe there is something in it for everyone. Simply put its just so great to see things in colour again and not considering failure as an option. That no matter how things around me will go l will find a way to get through to the good people. To me it feels like the only way I feel my gratitude will mean anything to said people is through my actions.

Its a bumpy ride and its only going to get more challenging, and despite everything around me changing oh so much the focus has remained the same. No matter what happens, its the only goal that seems to matter anymore if I am to get past all this.

Thank you for getting this far

-GF-

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Such a rush.. Rush.. Rush.. Rush..

Sorry to all those I hurt

-GF-

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What do you feel?

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Hello again whoever you may be,

Had a much nicer festival than the one that pushed me to start blogging, surreal just how different things were 2 months ago. All throughout the weekend I met beautiful people, and even being able to stay positive and encouraging to those that would rather put me beneath them.

Not exactly a new sensation, but seeing it happen almost anywhere I try really is the push I’ve been searching for.

Throwing myself into all kinds of experiences that felt right feels so good, considering how much work it took to be that confident after spending all that time isolated and clueless. Nowadays any time that it isn’t mutual I go into sad mode with an immediate focus on what just happened: most of the time I know why immediately because of the sheer amount of ‘bad’ things I’ve done before.

Still definitely exhausted but feeling above it enough to be making the steps that I am is real exciting, especially as it is a kind of energy I know will be important to return to when I finally find the people to express creatively with. Every single negative experience that I’ve ever had was already in motion long before I could do anything about it, luckily enough I’ve been growing up where I have to make all the difference after said experiences.

Taking steps that I’m not ready for is something I strongly believe in and think you should too. Respecting your limits and simply knowing that they can and should be pushed when it feels right is incredibly important, especially if you are troubled.

This idea of a platform for those that need it is something I'm really excited for because I believe I’ll have more luck in Kiev as the person I am today. There are so many places in London that I’ve tried to surround myself with good people, and find them I did, but eventually the situation would become a kind of clear there is no coming back from.

I believe in Kiev I will find a kind of people grateful for the direction they’re heading in, no matter the state of the country now and before. There are so many rejecting all the hate that has been passed down to them for oh so long and they need somewhere away from home to safely express. All because of the energy that music made them feel, and hopefully you too as time goes on, should you simply let it play in your mind and move through your bones.

Eventually taking steps in Kiev and having something to represent will allow me to investigate Berlin. I’ve needed the kind of expression that goes on there for a very long time and despite it being in London I’ve encountered so many different people in different places who simply turned out not to be so good for my recovery, despite trying to make it work as hard as I did.

In many moments it felt like I’m going round and round, which back then was awfully stressful as I couldn’t imagine why my future would be different. Going through what you do will always have some effect on what people feel about being around you too, however finding a certain balance within which feels right will allow you to progress whilst holding the past close to your heart should you want to.

Sadly there will be many that will disregard that completely, those that would have you believe all sorts: that your past is irrelevant, that you are incapable of getting the things you want, in this case being love and understanding so as to help you give it to yourself.  It is simply a test you must continue through, no matter how strong the self-doubt gets. I personally would like to hold on to my past no matter how broken it left me because I know there is a balance to be found and something to be channeled into exploring music when the time is right. If you would also like to do the same all you have to do is find out just how close that is without harming yourself or others!

Motivating people around you to keep going towards their ideas doesn’t take much, nor asking them why, right? Maybe so if you haven’t got much of an idea, but is that so true? People answering that sort of question shouldn’t feel so pressured either, its just a question you were going to hear sooner or later and you should focus on answering it to yourself before anyone else. If you feel you’ve got a lot to prove despite not really knowing how, through some real troubling times, just really make sure you’re doing it for yourself. Its real easy to lose yourself in what you think others want of you, especially growing up.

On top being constantly focused on this idea of the people that feel right too! Of course that feeling can keep you in bad environments too, but its that very same feeling that can take you to a place much better.

Just keep going with what feels right and be careful of what and who you surround yourself with, but also please don’t pressure yourself too much with said thought either. There is honestly is no one guide on how you should do it right, this here is just my take and simply appreciate that we as humans are capable of more than ever before.

Absolutely believing that there is no choice but onwards and upwards whatever that might mean isn’t exactly an easy one to consider in those difficult moments, but its thoughts like those that will truly get you clickity clacking those bones to the better times.

Thank you for getting this far <3

-GF-

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To keep hopes, memories, or ideas in your mind because they are important to you and bring you pleasure

Just moving forward with the idea that one can always be better than before with sheer force of will has done all kinds of things to many. I’ve been doing it on and off for years through some very dark moments, some so dark I can barely remember them. One day I will piece the memories together and express it through music.

One such piece was me tumbling a good few months (it was a while for sure, happened many times ever since I left college) of going to sleep at 6-7am after spending the entire day on the computer with no care for myself or the world around.

They’d almost be right, except for me waking up at 2-3pm and shouting the chorus to the song below on a good pair of speakers I was very lucky enough to have. At the time I didn’t know what positive affirmation was, but I know that it was working and that teaching it to myself has made all the difference.

Being able to comfort myself in those moments about the progress I was making and that one day I’d be finally be better off living in a world that didn’t care about me took a lot of work. I mention it is because I know just how easy it is to get sucked into other people’s expectations of you. Please be careful.

I Can Change by LCD Soundsystem (Tiga Remix)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eclIDtkrPZg

Thank you for getting this far <3

-GF-

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Hold On!

Hello again,

I’ve come to the realisation about how what I’m doing here and elsewhere is no sprint. A lot of big steps being taken and there have been warnings about burning out. Despite doing better sharing this openly has been considerably draining, but it hasnt deterred me as drained is all I’ve really been up until the last 5 months. We all have our limits and as long as you balance the important things to you there is no need to hide in a hole somewhere. I’m going to continue sharing whatever feels right and should just be thrilled about where I’m at, right?

Anyway, I’m going to mellow out what I write with pictures, all with a story I can come back and talk about when the time is right.

I really have no intention of slumping again for the foreseeable future, going to be a lot more prepared for winter this time in all the ways I never was. This means Tumblr being the biggest part of moving forward and constantly looking for strong progress. I’ve already had plenty of friction getting to this point, and have no fear for the friction that will come. Just giving you people a reason to be my anchor is one that excites me greatly, to be able to come here to share around people doing the same with people who are excited to do so.

Stay true to an idea of who you wish to be for all those people you feel you need, there’ll be plenty of those who aren’t along the way but just be glad you can see it, but obviously give it plenty of thought as its easy to get carried away and shut out good people. If you’re following others into things (i.e university, a job) when you’ve actually needed some air after being in the blender for that long then of course there’ll be consequences. That’s all our lives are so just focus on what feels right to you, it isn’t giving up if you’re still moving!

Thank you S for all that you are, all the people you bring together, and the way you’ve been doing it. @Rumpus on Facebook, more pictures on the page!

I was working behind the bar that night but met some people in the month that followed through by being ready enough to dive into the opportunities that came around. Working Boomtown this weekend where they will all be, will write about all this in the coming days in me tent and on my way home. Until then..

Wonder Where We Land by SBTKRT featuring Sampha

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xJMUJyh5xtk

Thank you for getting this far <3

-GF-

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No matter how overwhelmed you may feel, no matter what you’ve done, there is always progress to be made no matter what anyone might think or say. Simply because you might just be the only one capable of bettering your life. You know your demons or at least what they’re doing to you, whether you push yourself through with or without them isn’t the point either, just take your time and be ready for the steps that you take.

Dance music and going after it when there was nothing else inspired me like I'm sure nothing else would have. After plunging into the situations I did my imagination (and those I encountered) started to paint a picture of the people I wanted in my future, and why they'd want to be involved with me.

It probably isn’t a surprise that it feels like many people simply don’t have the energy to support you or you them, unfortunately being transparent about the reasons a very big part of the world cannot do, only reason I’m here sharing because I’ve gone from extreme introvert to a comfortable mix.

This blog is something I'm looking to constantly make as accessible as possible. It means no matter what state of mind you open this blog with you will feel safe, and a belonging to something greater than ourselves. More on this as we go on..

Is there something you feel I could do better / something distressing you?

Please do not hesitate to let me know! Creating an environment where people feel safe to be very open here is very possible, but it will take serious energy from all of us.

Where do you hope move from here?

Continue to reach out to all the places that feel right, when it feels right, and continue to learn from all the people around you as much as possible. The good, the bad, the inbetween, all of it has a lesson. Even if you’re unsure about it all you gotta do is ask.

Hang in there and thank you for getting this far <3

-GF-