twilight-resonance

[twilight-resonance]

Spiderwebs

There is a hole inside me and it can't get out; there is a wound inside me and it will not heal. There's a deep grief in there, somewhere out of sight; for once, welling up where I can cup it in my hands and hold it.

Welcome home.

In truth, I feel so little anymore that the grief is a welcome respite. My emotions are naturally strong, and part of what has dulled my creative depth is the way that the daily rhythms of life has dulled my feelings. It took an entire day camp - a deeply exhausting venture - to get me scraped down to somewhere I could find the damp below the surface of the earth; and the joy and tender bruising of hanging out with friends in a way I rarely do anymore, and watching something new that touches on that grief directly. It comes, too, from tapping into that place through the Other. All together, I can feel that grief again; and it feels like home.

There's always been a sadness, deep in there; I called it sad when I was a kid, and it feels more like grief now that I have learned sorrow's varying shades. There's a silly post I saw somewhere that mused on the idea that, if you feel sad out of nowhere sometimes, that's because a random humans' mourning has been assigned to you; and it's silly, but sometimes it does feel a little like that. It feels like there's something that needs mourning, and part of my purpose in life is to be the wellspring for it. It touches on that part of me whose closest resonance is religious.

In the evening yesterday, I took a few moments alone to cry when we were wrapping up. We had just finished watching a show that a friend wanted to show me - a show about, essentially, the grief and joy in immortality; when you continue to live and have all the time in the world while the people around you pass on, and what it means to come to terms with that. It was slower, and thoughtful, and kind, and beautiful, and it hit some chords in me that were already run raw from the week. Before that, we had run the day camp; and I love Syenon, and it's such an awful place. It was horrifying watching the kids run that labyrinth - the one about gang violence, and specifically about what leads people to joining gangs in the first place - and watching them solve it and fail and solve it and fail and, when they ran out of alternatives, tried to solve it by joining instead. It was that chorus of "Welcome to Syenon" - of that, welcome to the patchwork that is the cycle of history in this place; take a place among our ranks. Join the hundreds of generations before that have done the same violence, and been subject to it, and doled it out again. I remembered why it is that some of my players, grown, look back on their time playing and joke about being radicalized by my game - it's moments, or stories, like that. I didn't realize that I had feelings so strong about the whole thing - about violence as a cycle. Opinions, sure; but feelings, apparently, too, somewhere in there where I don't look much or often. Watching those players - kids - come to the same conclusion that so many people throughout history have come to - was horrifying and heart-wrenching in ways I couldn't describe, and the same in my role in providing that conversation to them. Between it all, there was playing Nyiss - and that more or less speaks for itself, as the crux upon which the whole thing turns. I was raw, and the first moment I had a moment of solitude, I cried. It felt good - it was a relief. It was dipping my hands into that wellspring of grief, and saying hello.

Every once in a while, I remember who I am. Every time, it surprises me how much that person looks like him. I had a thought, this weekend, that this is probably how he started out his life - wading into the violence of his city, and dying to it over and over again, and working day after patient day trying to untangle it. So too, the way I live my own life - this patient storytelling, trying to teach players to be better, teaching them to look for these cycles and unravel them. I am not a pacifist; but I know what it means to be a pacifist, and to endure the bruises and the broken bones and to stubbornly not lash back. To work, grim-lipped and doggedly and tired, because that's how you break the cycle. Good gods, it hurts - and maybe that's where the grief comes from. Maybe it comes from someplace deeper. I wish I knew.

It's such a complicated thing, and I wish I could talk about it. It's so quiet, and so hard to see, but it runs so deeply under everything. I wish I could tell someone what it is like to live in this self, and have them understand the burden and the beauty that it is. I wish someone else could see all the ways it intersects with those same strands in him, and what it means to me.

I wish... I understood more clearly what that dream meant. What it was trying to say. Why it meant so much to me.

I have been listening to Fairytale of New York here and there throughout the day. It's another strand of the whole web, and another piece of the story. Of the grieving. Of that mingled love and grief, and that place deep inside me.

It was wild, losing my sight during the day camp. How seamlessly I learned not to see, and how it stuck with me for forty minutes or more after I could theoretically see again. How, nonetheless, the gravity and weight in the inn was so thick as to summon silence. It was the gravity of storytelling - good storytelling - but it was also the weight of the world. The quiet hush of holy spaces. The gravity of a life lived in that way, in its own time.

[twilight-resonance]

Summer Days

Up this morning a little earlier than usual - which is still not that early, it being summer - to see if I can squeeze some taking care of myself time out of my brain. Dunno. Woke up when Hearthsnail started his class, and it's not that I couldn't get back to sleep, it's more that... I felt like I could get up? And knew it would be good for me? And am tired of not doing things that are good for me because I can't make myself? So here we are. Been a bit, so there's plenty to ramble about. I'll probably go for half an hour and then stop, and leave whatever's left for another time.

Summer is of course in full swing. The school year tied off pretty okay - got a lot of post-planning to do from all of it, but it's nice to have the break even if the break is still more work. I've got a back-to-back day camp and campout coming up, and there's plenty to do for that. The JL campout is already done as of a couple weeks ago, and there been a couple adventures in the midst of that.

For fun things - I took Hearthsnail whitewater rafting a couple weeks ago. His first time, my second. We camped the night before, and it was a new experience doing the camping thing just for the night; kind of inconvenient with our camping setup (in that we've discovered that we like to be comfy while we're camping), but also really nice to not have to do as much planning around the logistics of meals. It was a private campground which was... weird, and private campgrounds are always weird, but it wasn't terrible. We got there late so it was a little extra hard to find our site and set up and orient ourselves, which probably didn't help. There were some new frogs - probably just bullfrogs, if I've ID'd the call correctly - but we don't get them anywhere nearby our usual haunts, so it was neat listening to a New Frog. There were also some... I don't know. The people who use state and county camping feel like they're generally more... considerate? And, like... a little less broadly stupid. I dunno. I did not have great impressions of the other campers who were using that spot.

The rafting the following day was fun though. It was a somewhat cool day - enough so that you didn't really want to go in the water, but it wasn't awful if you did. So like, about perfect really, because it was comfortable the whole time we were rowing. Some decent rapids - we tried to go earlier in the season so there'd still be some water left - and it was fun hauling through them. You'd get to the big ones and go, well, I can barely see anymore and the swells on the water are huge, but if I don't keep rowing we're gonna have problems so - we keep rowing. And plunging the oar into a swell of water and pulling on it, or against it, to pull the raft forwards. And those times that the swells became a cliff and the drop-off was such that there was no water that stroke, and pausing just a moment until the water returned and there was something to row against. There was the nature and creatures of course, too; it was neat watching the various textures of the hills and mountains and canyons go by, and the way that all the vegetation ascended them or not. By far the neatest thing we saw were a pair of river otters, though - both playing and dunking each other in the river, and chirruping at one another as they do. Never seen one wild, at least one still live. There were also plenty of teals and wading birds and whatnot too; all together, somewhat different a spread of creatures and textures than we get locally when we go canoeing. So that was all very neat.

Also did a food pilgrimage to Hearthsnail's old college town, which has incredible food for some unfathomable reason; hit one place on the way up to rafting, and another on the way back, and lamented as ever all the places we were unable to stop. Also got some pseudo-shorts to try out, because I am tired of wearing pants in the summer and being hot all the time. So far what I got is comfy, so I might get more.

I also got my ears pierced, right at the beginning of the summer - the day after my last school event. I wanted maximum healing time before (1) campouts, and (2) getting whacked in the head by kids with swords, because you know. Really I wanted to get an eyebrow pierced, and this was a test run for that - testing how my body responded to the piercing, because sometimes it can be weird about injuries and particularly injuries that are primarily skin. So far, it's done great though. I could barely tell that my ears were swollen the first week, and only realized they had been the second week when my earrings started catching on things more (these ones had extra long pins so that they didn't bother the swollen ear). Still got a few weeks to go before I can change them out, not that I have any to change into yet; but the test was a success and I might spring for an eyebrow piercing over winter break. We'll see.

Okay actually, this was wild - I didn't expect to get my ears pierced and immediately look butcher. Like that was not on my bingo card at all. But lo and behold, I popped up and checked how the piercings looked right after they were done and went holy shit, why do these make me look more butch. A world of little miracles. I should really start rocking the backwards baseball cap shitbag look more, because it suits me.

Other adventures. Hearthsnail had some medical stuff early in the summer, which he's been loath to talk about so I mostly won't either; just that the preparing for it was a process, and that he feels better so far now. Also that we as a side effect discovered that laying a comforter over the couch is ridiculously comfy, more so than it has any reason to be, and we'll remember that going forwards.

That's about it for now - I confess to getting distracted during that last bit, so I'm gonna be done now. Will write more things another time, I hope.

[twilight-resonance]

Cotton and Salt Rivers

Let's see if I can struggle through this.

Been a day. My head feels like it's full of cotton; which is to say, I feel like I can't think. The shape of my thinking is like listening to someone talk through a pillow; I know it's there and I know it's saying something but I can't make it out. To say nothing of, I haven't been able to do anything... I go to read a book and go through all the motions of settling up to read a book, but once I'm actually there that feels impossible but something else - journaling for instance - sounds doable; then I set up to journal and that too feels impossible, but cooking seems achievable... ad infinitum. Just in circles with many things sounding possible, none of them actually doable. To say nothing of, the actually doing... I just fucked up a really easy logic puzzle and then a really easy sudoku in quick succession because, as previously stated, I can't think. I'm not sure how I'm doing this right now, even. By trying not to think, I suppose.

I know what's up. In a general sense. My nervous system is all out of whack. Which is to say, some part of me for some reason is stuck in fight-or-flight and can't do, well, anything else other than be that. I've... tried this and that to see if I can down-regulate it at all, and so far nothing has really worked. So I'm sort of resigned to the rest of the day just. Being this, and like this. Which isn't great, but it feels like acceptance will do me more good than fussing on it. Unless my body is lying to me. Which is also entirely plausible.

What it's about, though? No ideas. I think I'm maybe just there all the time, these days. When there's a concrete deadline - threat - I address it, resolve it, and then the moment I have breathing room again it's back to this. Been this way all week, I think. At the very least. Probably longer. Wednesday I was definitely also struggling this same way, and the other days had those concrete deadlines to provide some structure. Before that, hard to remember; but it feels like I've been stuck this way a while. Either way, it's not great being... blank. Like this. Blank, or cotton, or however else you want to describe it.

Been a "Crossroads" by Tracy Chapman kind of month. Few months. Since December, I guess. Just posted it, because if it's been sitting that heavily, it ought to be entered into the record. I wish I knew why, but I know why, but I wish I knew why. Like listening through a pillow, again.

I wish I knew what it was like to be myself. I feel like I haven't really known in years. For the longest time now I've only been able to know what I am through the Other - through comparing characters, through silly personality quizzes, or any means other than directly inhabiting myself. It's part of the cotton. Or the background static.

I know that I don't fit anymore, in whatever skin I'm in. Or whatever river I'm swimming in. Describe it to Hearthsnail the other day as feeling like I'm a freshwater fish swimming in salt - or salt in fresh, or whichever it may be - and I'm not made for it anymore. Some part of me remembers, Salmon; and is this what that transition feels like? Is that what's happening in my life, now? I don't know. I wish I knew. I didn't say much else to him besides.

I suppose I'll leave off there. Don't have much more I can put words to. Looking forward to some time and space in a couple weeks, if it'll come. Maybe that will help. I don't know.

[twilight-resonance]

Short-Shorn

I really ought to go to bed - it's almost 2AM and I have work tomorrow - but I have some juice left for writing after the previous post, and I want to take advantage of that while I can. Flex that muscle, and practice, in the hope of more-and-better later. So I'll try to keep it short, but I'll try to make good on it, too.

What to say? Just had a break week from work - both schools were out - which is to say, all of my days were ridiculously busy. Backlogged appointments, overdue friend meetups, and of course daylong planning meetings to prep all the content for the upcoming story arc. Wish I had a whole 'nother week to work - there's a great deal I couldn't get to, that's been needing to happen and needing to happen and needing to happen. ...Alas.

Been trying to be good about enriching myself and finding ways to encourage my sense of play. Has thusly taken the form of going to lots of performances, because I am at the end of the day a performing arts bitch - two plays by local theater groups, and a circus-esque performance as well. I would like to go see some dance shows at some point, too. It's been good for me so far, and it's been fun. Keeping an eye out for more, when we can make them happen. Also been more willing to roam and ramble on nature outings, even when Hearthsnail objects; because that, too is good for me. We went to a forest-river canyon not long after a couple storms, and the whole place was torn up; lots to ramble and climb and scamper around in.

Been sort of eaten-up lately with a couple of folks I've written for my game world. It's been quite hard to shake them, actually, and I know that if they're sticking this hard it's because there's something important there; but I can't fathom what. There's a dream I had over the summer that sort-of settles into that, too; and, like this moment, I still don't know what the dream meant. But whatever it was, it was important. Something about me, and where I'm at, and what I need; or want, or value; or miss, or grieve; and I'm not certain which. It's tapered off for now, but I can also tell it's going to come back - again, and again, and again, like a haunt - until it's known and solved.

Ah, well - my time I allotted myself is up, and I really ought to go to bed. The depth of my musing was cut short by the knowing of the time limit, too, so I'm sad for that, but - it is what it is. Goodnight, sweet dreams.

[twilight-resonance]

Prompt: Relationship Strengths

Another one of these, because I feel like writing will be good for me right now. Was torn about this vs. a general journal entry post, and decided on this first and the other if I still have juice afterwards and am not too sleepy. This one - prompt, rather - feels easier than usual right now. So.

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"What are your strengths in relationships (kindness, empathy, etc)?"

For initial clarity, I'm taking "relationship" in one of its broader senses - a dynamic and history between two people, rather than solely romantic. Could be friendship, acquaintanceship, family, or any other relationship between two people. Different kinds of relationships have or ask for different strengths, so I'll answer on those counts as well; gives it more to talk about.

Listening is a big one, particularly in more casual relationships. I'm very good at listening - listening actively, and with genuine interest, and with the right kinds of nudges and prompts to get people to open up more. It shows up in more familiar relationships too, but I tend to find it has the biggest impact on new ones because a lot of people haven't been listened to in quite that way before.

Thoughtfulness is another big one, particularly in more familiar relationships. I tend to pay careful attention to what people like and don't like, what they need or wish for, what they're doing or saying etc; and am good at remembering it. It makes for a great knack for gift-giving, but it also shows up in other ways: cooking food people like, bringing the games people enjoy, finding opportunities to do things that align with what brings them joy, etc. It goes too for strangers too, though; noticing when something could be made easier for the next person, or when someone could use a hand with something, etc.

Kindness and Compassion are another two - because they are very much not the same thing - that I wield and that pair well with the above. Kindness with thoughtfulness, and compassion with listening. Both of them are - oh, this is going to be a bit silly, but like the way that you pair beans and rice or cauliflower and potato to get a complete protein. With the two together, there's a sum larger than their parts. I'm genuinely a nice person and generous with that; and I have a deep capacity to care for others. Granted, I didn't put them as the top two because I also have a nasty bastard streak; but that doesn't mean that I'm not strong on those counts too.

There are probably a handful of others. Decisiveness is a big one in a lot of the relationships in my life, in terms of my ability to make decisions about things and to organize groups of people around things. I've got a lot of strategies to make sure people actually give input on the decision without feeling responsible for making it, and take that responsibility on instead. Sweetness as its own aside from kindness and thoughtfulness, or its own particular flavor of them; I am well-known for being sweet when I'm willing to let down my guard a little. Strength itself is another, in that I'm good at being an anchor in relationships and withstanding and holding for others.

There are probably others. Those are the big ones that come to mind just now, though.

[twilight-resonance]

Alchemy

There's something magical in watching the world come alive for players for the first time.

It's that moment when they realize they're part of something much larger than themselves - when they cease to see what they've been doing week in and week out, but for the first time glimpse the larger pattern. I tell them all the time that their choices impact the story and the world, and that those choices change things for all of the other people who play the game - and those peoples' choices impact them - but it doesn't quite connect. Not til moments like tonight, when suddenly they can see the shape of the larger story that's being woven between everyone's choices; and realize that there are other people out there that are grappling with the same things they have been; and that, by nature of the story at play, their choices cannot help but impact those other people. And vice versa. And that it's inevitable - they can't turn away.

I loved the back-and-forth bouncing back across the table as it dawned on them. Doesn't that put everyone in competition with each other? and then Or it means that we can all help each other survive. and then But prophecy always comes true - it has to be one of us. and then I get to chime in, But that means that we can choose.

Even then, it doesn't quite dawn on them. Not until they receive the letter. Not until I say - he says - There are other adventurers who have sent you a letter- and they burst out - dropping the in-game moment for their out-of-game shock and awe - with, "Wait a second-

"There are real players at all of the other cities? There's a league in every city?"

"Yes."

"And they chose to send us a letter?"

They did. You can send them letters back, too. I think they'd like to hear from you.

And suddenly, they're part of something larger than themselves. There are other people working on the same thing they are, that they've never met but are working just the same. Suddenly the story - not just this place, but the story of the whole world - comes alive; and even though they don't know all the pieces, they realize that their choices matter. Everyone's choices matter. And they're a part of that bigger story.

I know how it ends. I already knew, before today; but it still holds true now. It's fitting that they're the first one to see the whole picture - and the first ones to figure it out. And it will be very interesting to see what they do with the choice they're on the cusp of making.

There's a magic in being part of something bigger than yourself. When the weight of all that's come before, and all that might come after, come together into something bigger than just a story. There's a whole world out there, and it's one that I live and breathe, and it's incredible and humbling both to watch it come alive for them too; to watch the alchemy of that transformation, even if it only lasts a moment - or an evening - or maybe even a little longer.

[twilight-resonance]

Prompt: Trust

Continuing on with the journaling prompts, because it's good for me. I've swapped to another list, though, because the other one was full of questions that rubbed the wrong way. ...They all will, to some extent, but that one was particularly so in that it was asking the wrong questions. In any case:

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Who do you trust most? Why?

The easy answer is "no one" - all edge, I know. On the one hand, it's true to a point - I don't know that I trust anyone with everything. There are things I keep even from my spouse, because it's easier to keep them to myself than to trust anyone. On the other hand, it doesn't say trust, period - it says trust most, which is a sliding scale and inherently has an endpoint. So I can't squirm out of answering that easily.

Luckily, the answer is easy. Well, sort-of. It depends in part on the kind of trust we're talking about, because there are many and the constellation of which feature shifts with each person. Of course, even then, it can be broken down to sum total. So I can't squirm out of answering that easily, either. But it does give me more to talk about.

In an absolute sense, the answer is probably myself. In that I'm well aware of where that trust falls short, can predict it, and thusly work around it. I know when and where I'm likely to fail or falter, and can account for it. I trust my evaluation of the real world - be it how slippery a rock is and how sturdy a branch is, to whether someone is feeling up to something today or whether I should ask someone my question later. Or the chain of causality, or my own sense of what I need and need-not. I trust in my feet, and my guts, and my heart, and my senses, and my hands, and my thoughts. But I also know that I'm not trustworthy - not all the way - and there are place you or I cannot count on me.

If we're talking about other people, though, the answer is certainly my husband. Experience has taught me that I can rely on him, and that he will catch me if I'm slipping - be it literal or metaphor. He's got good intentions and a good heart, even if - just like anyone else - there are places that gets distorted and muddled by his own fears and worries and human needs. He has sat beside me through some absolutely terrible moments of life, and still loved me just the same or more afterwards. He also has a good sense of how to judge people - my own self included, when I'm not sure what I need or what's wrong - and, notably, in many of the ways where my judgement also fails.

But your spouse is the easy answer, or at least ought to be. Outside of him is where the answer becomes somewhat more difficult, and where the kind of trust starts to matter more. There are people I trust more overall but have significant regions where I actively distrust them, and people who I don't trust in any significant way but who also have no drawbacks.

Artkestral is one of those in the former category, and probably - if I'm being honest with myself - still the nextmost overall. I trust her in the sense that I know she'll be willing to hear me out through complicated or convoluted trains of thought and not get bored or frustrated with it; and trust her to talk through our respective thought processes in good faith when we disagree about things. I trust her to know more where I'm coming from, and to not flinch away. Overall, I would say I trust her in a more intellectual and compassion-based way. I trust her less in an emotional way, in part because she and I have underlying pieces of our emotional selves that clash in their natures; and in part because there's been damage done there, and I'm still not ready to trust her when it comes to things like. I don't know. What I care about. What I feel about things, rather than what I think about them. What I'm struggling with, and where I hurt. This is all less true than it once was; things felt a little different, and a little more comfortable than they had, when we met up this last time in early January. It makes me glad to feel that shift, because I've mourned it plenty.

LARPlings largely fall into the former category as well, though for different reasons. There are plenty of lovely souls there, and people whom I appreciate and admire; and the major barrier there is the age difference. Even though many of them are coming into adulthood at this point, there is still a significant age difference - and, most notably, power difference that comes from me having watched them grow up and helped them grow up and still have an authority over them because I'm the community head. So there are plenty of things it wouldn't be fair of me to confide in them, and weights that they ought not to bear, because of that power differential. That may change as they grow older, and become more well-founded in the grounding of their lives; but for the moment, not so.

There are a few exceptions. When they approach me on that level, for one; I'm more willing and able when they ask, knowing what they're asking for. There are also a couple people - a couple because they are older and have been friends in other ways, a couple because they are more sensitive and pick up on it regardless of how well I conceal things, and of those at least one who I trust more readily for other reasons - but by and large, the barrier still stands.

Other friends fall into the second category. With that one, the barrier is mostly time. My teacher and former-teacher friends are a good one for this one; I do trust them more than most people, and am more willing to be person-shaped and shaped like my actual self with them, than I am with most; but I still conceal many of the same things I always do, only because it takes so long to test the waters. But they are also good people with good hearts and good intentions, and have the sensitivity that comes with working with people in the ways that they do and have. The intellectual trust isn't there in the same way, in part because that's a pain-point for me; and I haven't had all the time I need to gently test it and get a sense for where the walls are. But the foundations are there.

So I suppose what I'm seeing here is that the emotional trust is where the big evaluation point lies; which should have been the obvious answer, because that's the way it works for most people, but since when are things easy? Harder too when it's all hooked into things - all the points where intellectual ties into emotional, or emotional ties into physical, or physical into sensorial, and so on and so forth. But it is what it is. I'll sign off for now.

[twilight-resonance]

Transcendence

The absolutely transcendent experience of standing on the threshold in the deep night, listening to the rain; standing in a warm house, preparing for sleep, with quiet choral music playing softly in the background. I'm glad for this world. <3

[twilight-resonance]

Prompt: Childhood

Another hard one. One that I don't like looking at; I think because it feels like there's no point? What happened, happened; and I know what and how and why it has made me what I am - and am working through the marks it's left - but hashing through it again doesn't do anything useful. Nonetheless.

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What did you wish was different about your childhood? How has that impacted who you are today?

The big things, like I said, I don't care to rehash; it's unnecessary. I'm more curious about the fringe cases for this one - the secondary, tertiary, odd-out aspects. Things like:

I wish I had known that being trans was an option. I'm happy enough with how I ended up, but I wonder what trajectory my life would have taken if I had known that were possible. It wouldn't have been easy; and I can't imagine my family would have had a rather lukewarm, apathetically-resistant reaction to it, if my being bi coming to light is anything to measure by; but I'm curious what it would have changed. There are other facets of my progression through an understanding of gender that simply wouldn't have happened, and that might have made me less compassionate as a person; but there are all sorts of things that might have happened, also. But I know that there are elements of that alternate path that would have helped me feel better, sooner. Given me something to cling to on the path that was growing up - a sliver of self-worth, among other things. I still wonder. (Don't die wondering, they say - and I wonder nonetheless.)

There's something about my schooling that I can't quite place. I'm on the whole happy with my schooling - glad that I was homeschooled; like I've said to Hearthsnail once or twice, I think if I'd gone to regular school I'd've become a delinquent and probably quite destructive as a person. Glad that I got to do the things that I did and learn the things I learned because of it; I got to take many neat classes and workshops that wouldn't have been possible otherwise. I don't even wish I hadn't done the online schooling I did for a few years - I hated it and it was bad for me, so not in that sense, but more that as a rule I'm wary of the idea of changing one's past and happier to just accept it and move on. Rather, there's a sense of something... missing? Like a hollowness? That I think has to do with having the full breadth and depth of my interest and ability nourished better. In the way that I know to do now.

But that's the rub of it, isn't it? We know to do the things we know to do now because we learned what not to do earlier. It's just a matter of figuring those things out as soon as you can - and inevitably failing a lot along the way.

Most of what I really wish are along those lines - not possible, because it's not possible to know what I know without having found those dead ends growing up.

There's probably more, but I've long since moved on to working on other things; so we'll call it quits for today.

[twilight-resonance]

Trickle

Holy gods, I feel awful right now. Migriane - low-grade, thankfully - for the fifth day straight, which is mostly annoying but not too bad; but I'm hungry, and cold-from-the-inside in a sick way, and just kind of feel... a general malaise. A bit like being sick, but I don't think I'm sick. The smoking gun is that I went to go curl up in the laundry room earlier, with the washer and dryer running. I almost never do that unless I'm feeling truly terrible. What a strange thing.

Maybe I ate something bad? A clementine that had gone slightly off, or a weird vegetable from dinner last night? That's the closest to what it feels like... but I'm not convinced. Maybe it's just one of those days.

Anyway, I'm here to complain about it mostly. As well as to write more, for the sake of writing more. With the hopes of greasing the gears for other writing and other journaling and other work. I should also do one of those journaling-prompt posts; maybe after this.

Quite-some going on the last few weeks. My SIL/BIL/nice (Hearthsnail's sister) were out for Thanksgiving, and that was nice. Went to a discovery museum for the niece - we'll have to go to more if they come out again, turns out there's a lot in the area; and we went tidepooling one day, and mostly hung out. Learned some things about my own energy pacing that week, both as traits that have popped up before but not been solved in the same way. One is pacing energy with my niece - who is four, and still a big sink for attention as all kids that age are. I'm great with kids; and I'm great the first day or two; but I think I over-invest the energy and attention, and burn myself out pretty hard for later in the week. So in the future, I should take some designated time for myself/not entertaining the toddler early/daily so that I can give her more of what she needs sustained over time.

The second is that, apparently, I need time to focus in order to function. It doesn't have to be about anything - it could be work, it could be play, it could just be spacing out; it could be with people or alone; but having a couple hours of just focused time is apparently important to my ability to regulate myself emotionally and mentally. Discovered because the style of hanging out they have is very much not compatible with that. So, as before, taking some focused time for myself every couple of days next time. And also in general. It's not limited to them, it happens on breaks with Hearthsnail and other times too. Just something good to know in general.

Would be good things to note to my therapist, but she is in the ICU. Went for last appointment and she never showed, and got a message from her family not long after. I dunno. It's one of those things that... you know, things can happen to anyone? It's a good reminder of that. I'm fine in terms of my own stability in the interim, I hope most of her clients are in the same place, and I hope she's fine... But it's just. One of those things that happens out of the blue. Also a good reminder that we don't pick when these things happen, they happen when they will. I used to be better about remembering; I've become too comfortable with the ebb and flow of everyday life, I think. In a good way - in a stable way - but I wished I remembered more.

Had a friend over the other day; they introduced us to Dutch Blitz, and I'm so sold. We ordered a copy the same night. It's a simple game, but a good one. Also played Clank Legacy - continued a game we've been playing, that we picked up from an ex-friend group of that friend's. Legacy games are so much fun - the closest I get to playing an RPG, anymore - and, were I to dissect one, probably good professional development too. Given what I do. Given that I have to make up my own training and growth and somesuch things.

Had other obligations later that night - helping a new group of players make characters for D&D. Starting a new game for a group of friends; one wanted to add a new player, but we were already full up, so I suggested starting a new one; and she invited more friends. They were going to do their own character-making session to make it easier on me, but I wanted to be involved to help with some of the world-specific stuff... and it was probably good, at it turned out, that I was there anyway for rules help as well. I was a little uncertain about the whole thing - suppose I still am - for dumb reasons, but I think it'll be okay. Will be interesting hanging out with a bunch of queer folk that are, like, my own age? Rather than high school and college-aged folks? I love them dearly but it's nice hanging out with people a little further along in life, too, and not something I get as often.

Our usual D&D group has a session coming up soon; also doing holiday gift exchange things. Need to pick something out for that. I did a short book last year; don't want to do something directly gaming-related, but something relevant to anyone. Pretty teacups, or something that splits both functional and decorative, feels like the right thing. We'll see. Also need to pick out gifts for my family - which, I'd like to get them nice things this year since we're not coming out and it's a rough year financially - and for Hearthsnail. Others here and there too, but those are the big ones. I like coming up with gift ideas - it's a fun puzzle around what they'll like, what they won't think of themselves, what I know and don't know about the tools they need for their hobbies, etc - but it does take a time and a focus that has escaped me the last week with the migraine. And time is burning low.

Holy fuck, I still feel cold and awful. Took some excedrine a bit ago, hoping that helps; may not have had enough time to kick in yet, might be kicking in right now, hard to tell. One of those shivers just passed over me - again, the sort of sick fevery ones that well up from inside - and, eef. Been doing the work I can the last few days: emails and invoices yesterday, brainstorming for charts I need to make all throughout this week, slack management and character approvals today - but it's not nearly as much as I need or would like or it ought, again given the migraine situation. But we do what we can. I'm doing all right, I think, considering.

This is working, by the way, because it's so loose and rambly and stream-of-consciousness. Just sort of a gentle outpouring, flowing whichever way is lowest. Helping to keep the rest of my focus intact, I think, at least in some ways. And again, leaving space for other more intensive writings later.

Also need to figure out what to bring to snack this week. I know next week - it'll be brownies - but this week is escaping me more than usual. To do with all the stress people seem to be feeling around it, I think. Hearthsnail's co-workers, rather - they do a snack every Friday, but it's been a bit fraught this year for reasons as-of-yet undiscovered. But it will be nice to go spend time with them, and to make snacks. If I can figure out what.

Going to drop this and do a journaling prompt post, I think. Starting to flounder.

[twilight-resonance]

Enrichment

Here journaling again, just to keep in practice; to keep things oiled up there. Wanted to get more work done today, but haven't yet; going to take some pushing through the feathers and foam, I think, but it'll feel good if I can. Made it through the first semester - all that's left is something simple, one hour of one day a week, already fully planned through the rest of the year. So there's room to fill in the cracks. Lots of charts to write, other pieces of the game to do with maintaining the whole of it rather than the individual stories... The stories themselves to write, too, but will be on a more founded base if the cracks are filled. So lots to do.

Want to try to pick up the pieces of other things, too. Been looking at capoeira classes for ages, since dance for adults is so hard to find around here. Found a place I can rent time in a drum studio, if I wanted to start learning how to drum; lessons, too. A local political... what do you call it? Club? Group? Chapter? that I would like to get into sooner rather than later. As well as returning to rock climbing with Hearthsnail, now that the busy times are wrapping up. Things I would like to do to enrich myself; I need more enrichment, I think, is a conclusion I've come to over the last year. Might see about auditing classes at a local university as well, but we will see.

Other things I need, and need to figure out how to take. More nature time, for certain; would like to go camping sometime over the holidays, we'll see if it happens. Would like to get the house in order; basic things, and setting everything to rights enough to build our new bed, and it needs a deep clean besides. Been experimenting with new recipes, that's been good. As I said - enrichment.

More short-term, also want to do more with the holidays coming up. Need to pick out gifts for people. Hearthsnail mostly, with a smattering few for others. Would like to fill out the advent calendar - ought to get a tree, probably on Friday - would like to do some baking too. Did some baking earlier this week - Hearthsnail and I both got several bunches of bananas, so I made banana bread with the ones left once they'd gone spotty.

Become unfocused, working on planning meals and such for the week because if I don't do it now I'll forget. Away.

[twilight-resonance]

Stillness and Silence

Not here for long; just for long enough to note it down. Writing on my phone, which I hate to do, and it’s late besides. But even so.

Was a lovely day, and evening. Good sleep, quiet background noise, cozy bundle-up, warm tea, and the stillness of outside. My body is anticipating the rain the way it does the winter holidays; there’s a calming down, a clarity, a peacefulness all that come to me in anticipation of such thing. But here, it is the rain. It looks to be a glorious one; but we’ll see.

The whole world knows it, too. It’s been so quiet today - not many people moving outside, nor birds calling nor critters bumbling about their business, not wind rattling the leaves and branches. Right now, it’s completely silent. Even this late at night, there’s usually still a few sounds - but not tonight. If I were elsewhere, I’d say it’s about to snow, or maybe has already. The world has that quality to it.

The one thing that might have made tonight even better was candles - alas that I didn’t think of it til now. It was still nice regardless. The quiet background noise made the day, I think - I played a lot of massage videos today, as is my way; though all without talking, which is a tad more unusual. It was just the right contrast with outside for my brain, though, and especially since Hearthsnail went to bed my working has been flowing freely. It’s been so nice, again, having things flow the way they ought. So too, when I was getting ready for bed, I noticed that all the usual tension in my body was gone - a rarity also.

In all cases, I need to be sleeping. Work proper tomorrow and, as I said, it’s late. I jus wanted to write this one down, too.

[twilight-resonance]

Certain, Like the Coast

Every once in a long while, I have a night where my brain works. The day must have lined up just right - the sparse rain, the peppermint tea, an easy dinner, a calm working day, the surprise break and time with friends earlier in the week. Once Hearthsnail went to bed, working flowed smoothly and easily as a river to sea. I could simply look at what needed to be done and do it; knowing full well that what I wrote was well-founded and well-streamlined and would stand the test of time and agency. Smooth as silk. Certain as the tides. Calm, comforting - almost cozy, even.

It feels in a way like a pain or a fog, lifting - like the relief after a migraine, or a constant pressure that’s suddenly gone. It doesn’t feel good on its own, per se, but it’s the absence of a constant malaise. Which feels good in its own way.

I won’t write about it too long - I need sleep. But it was nice. It’s nice to have, once every couple blue moons. <3

[twilight-resonance]

Turning in the Dim

Some regular 'ole journaling, because I feel like I'll think clearer with it done. It's good journaling weather: with the time change, the light's going dim sooner; and the weather's cooler, and it's quiet inside. For now. Good journaling space all around. Plus, it's been a while.

There are different modes of journaling that I do here vs. in my paper journal. I think that's part of the cycle, and why my paper journal has felt somewhat unapproachable. Need to get one type of reflection done to make room for the other. I'm intending to take some time this Wednesday to go out for a hike and take the journal with; that should help. It's been a while, and I desperately need more nature time. Wish I had a way to fit it in.

So how has life been? Busy, in its own way, not that that's unusual. The school year is well underway, and so is work. I've been very pleased with the stories we're running this year so far - they've all been very well constructed on the whole. The current section we're on I'm starting to struggle with, but come to think of it, I think in part that's because it's a hard part to write in any story. Particularly one in which player choice is a major element. It's that transition stage between the opening and the meat of the problem - where they sort of know what's going on, but are only just starting to piece together the problem and how to solve it. Maybe, come to think of it, I should outline larger possible story routes. That might help.

Otherwise - decent, here and there. Finding a way to follow the new rhythm of this year. Hearthsnail is even busier than I am - he's wearing like three or four hats at work this year. I've been more protective of our weekends, given that. One less league to run this year, which helps; fewer birthday parties, and such and so on. I've been quietly trying to take us on at least one date outside the house each month, and we've ended up hanging out with friends about once a month otherwise; and then leaving some time for him to have at home. I still get antsy with two days at home in a row, but staggering things the way we have helps. We've done a renaissance faire, a pumpkin patch with friends, we went up the coast for a day trip together, took a hike up a nearby mountain to see the comet... all good time spent. I should keep that up.

Trying to decide what to do with winter break. Would like to take the time to do something fun. His sister and her family are coming out here for Thanksgiving, so that makes a trip out for family less wanting; plus, I'd like to have the time with him anyway to do something fun. Just going somewhere to go somewhere doesn't appeal to him, and honestly neither to I, so I'm trying to come up with something. Have a few possibilities, but we'll see.

Candlelight is nice. I lit some candles, even before I was writing; just because it would be nice. Warm candles, warm tea, cold room. Cold hair, from showering. Lots of little sensory details. Things I've missed. Might henna-dye my hair tonight, we'll see. Been meaning to, and want to do it before it gets darker with the light. It tends to bleach lighter in the summer, and without the bleaching stays darker in the winter.

Got distracted working on winter break plans, and now I've lost the thread of it. So it goes. Hearthnsnail will be here soon anyway. I'll continue another time soon, I hope.

[twilight-resonance]

Prompt: Adults & Growing Up

Continuing on with the journaling prompts for now. My brain won't do much else right now, and I'm not sure it's going to do this either, but we'll give it a shot.

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Who were the most "present" adults in your life growing up? What did you learn from them?

This is one I suspect I'm going to struggle with, because there are no good answers. Namely, what does "present" mean? There were plenty of adults around - teachers and friends' parents etc - but because of the nature of homeschooling most of those teachers were only for a few months at a time, and friends' parents were... around, but not people I could or particularly wanted to go to for things? It's not like I was free-range either, though; I suppose it's more about a lack of closeness that pervaded those things.

Certainly my mother was present and actively involved, physically. She cooked us food, took us on errands, shuttled us around to various classes and activities, sometimes played games with us or did puzzles, oversaw our schooling in its various forms, etc. All that sort of taking care of us - for which I'm thankful - but I wouldn't say that she was someone I could particularly "go to". For what I learned from her, it was a lot of physical skills - plenty of cooking and recipes, some of the rhythm of cleaning, etc. I also learned what not to do for a lot of emotional skills, given where she was at - counterexample still counts as learning.

There isn't much in the way of other family, because they were so distant - most of the rest of my family lived several thousand miles away, and we would only see them once every few years. I imagine they'd've been more present if they could have been; particularly my grandparents, and they tried to be whenever they could. I suppose in a lot of ways, my grandparents were more emotionally present - sending cards, calling us here and there, and spending intentional time with us when they were able to visit. I suspect from them I learned a lot more about caring about people - not just caring about but valuing people, and a sort of quiet tenderness in doing so. I think about them often when I think about, for instance, how I want to spend time with our niece.

Like I said, though, a lot of other adults were either not particularly close, not particularly long-lasting, or both. I remember reflecting on it, when I was a baby adult myself and looking for role models and realizing I didn't really have any whose examples I wanted to follow.

There are a few I can find in my old shift at the aquarium. Given it was a weekday shift, it was made up of many old retired teachers and educators and others; and there was a lot of camaraderie on that shift; and plenty of older folks who saw a younger person and wanted to take care of them. The two ladies who were shift leaders would always tease me in ways that were always good fun; there was a man there who would always ask after my writing, and was excited to read what I'd written when I got some of it published in my college's lit mag - and wrote me a sweet note about it afterwards; and plenty more besides. Many of them are no longer with us, I think, which makes me sad to think about. From them I learned similar lessons to those from my grandparents - other ways to care about people, to care about one another, and a particular brand of gentle ribbing. Also plenty of animal facts, of course, since that's what we were all there for.

There was one other mentor, who came later in my teenage and early adult years. I learned a great deal from him - deeper values, about compassion and empathy and kindness - as well as innumerable skills that have become the foundation for my current career. However, we had a falling-out some years ago; and he's one I'd rather not talk about, on the whole. Not in this context. It was hard, afterwards; I had to reconcile all the things he had taught me with the fact that he was the one who had taught them to me. If I had learned compassion from him, how could I continue to hold it? If I had learned kindness from him, how could I continue to practice it? It was hard, and I still struggle with reconciling those to one degree or another. Not as roughly as I once did, but it still plagues me.

It's hard, too - I've known a number of people who were extraordinary in many ways, growing up. It's just that none of them were right for me and for what I wanted and needed to learn. It figures, I suppose, that I'd forge my own path - that was probably an inevitability, as it seems to be with most parts of me and of my life.

So that's that one; maybe not quite the answer it looked for, but the best I could give given what I had. On to another.

[twilight-resonance]

Prompt: Favorite Childhood Memories

Wow, the amount that I'm recoiling from these journaling prompts tells me how worthwhile they actually probably are. My brain tried to find reasons not to do just about every single one I looked at; they all look at things I don't want to see. So we're starting with the first one, and we'll go down the list. Keep it simple.

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What are your favorite memories from childhood? Why do they stand out to you?

The first thought, I have to confess, is that flinching away I mentioned above - is all the associated pain I remember from childhood, and not wanting to talk about it. Not even to sort out the good things. In part, as if they would invalidate the bad ones? But they don't, and won't; and there were plenty of good things too. So we pick some and start.

Depends on how you define childhood, I suppose, too. How young still counts? Who knows. We'll follow what comes to us and go from there.

I have good memories of being at my grandparents' house. A few separate times. Once in the summer, long ago; the deeply-unfamiliar humidity and the lush green and all the summer smells that came with them, and catching fireflies and walking sticks, and spending time outside on the porch or in the grass. Once in the winter, when we visited them by surprise - which was quite the surprise, since we lived a couple thousand miles apart. Once another winter hence; I have memories of running through a vast storm, alone, late at night when no one else was awake; and feeling deeply and electrically alive. Underneath these all, though, is the sense of being somewhere else; being on an island away from the rest of the world - as we in some ways were, outside of the country - and familiar routines that spanned decades. Things I had done all throughout my childhood, years apart; the smell of my grandparents' coffee, familiar pictures on the walls, their laughter.

If later on still counts - teenage years - I did really love my years of volunteering at the aquarium. It meant painfully early mornings, but it was one of my favorite places; talking about some of my favorite things; and of course, that sense of purpose that comes from contributing to something bigger than yourself and giving something to other people. It's fun knowing things, and it's fun sharing things with others and being the guide to that sense of wonder. The same goes with the camaraderie on my shift - many memories of banter and silliness in the shift room. Laying on the floor with one co-worker before the place opened and watching the kelp sway. Luring visitors in with my knack for puppeteering a particular baby seal puppet.

I'm trying to remember something younger. I've found that as I've grown older, many of the younger memories have faded somewhat. School-age - which is to say, when I was in school - is hard. Early homeschooling only marginally less so. But there must surely be something.

...I truly cannot remember anything, which disturbs me. I'll have to think on it more. In the meantime, the second part of the prompt - which is to say, the why.

Both are an overlapping layer-sense of memory, which helps. Places I came to many times over a long span of time. Both places with their own very unique sense-memory - smells, sounds, sensations. Both places all that are intrinsically also about people-relationships. Both places all their own, outside the rest of the world.

I know that, in practice, I was often very bored at my grandparents' house. I know that, in practice, I was often very tired and sometimes miserable or in pain working at the aquarium. But both of those things diminish alongside the good things.

There's a sense of having a place, in some small way, in both. Of being accepted and valued, too. A strong presence of nature in both. As well as the relationships and the sensory details and the place-over-time. All important, I think. Might be part of why younger childhood is hard; there are fewer moments with those qualities.

Oh - I did have one, just now! There was a park I used to love to go to as a kid. This was even before homeschooling, I think, as well as after. It was a good park: good playground, lots of green grass and a fun hill; but the best part was the water play area. It wasn't one of those sprinkler-run-throughs, though there was one of those too; it was a big spring, essentially, and a big concrete riverbed set in a sandpit. You could play with the sand and water to your hearts' content - build dams, mud buildings, and play with the sort of physics of the two. It was basically a big stream table, and I loved playing with that. That one's about learning, and about that sensory-memory, and about something that couldn't quite be found anywhere else. About imagination and creativity, too.

There are others, surely; I might think on it more and revisit this prompt later. For now, though - bed.