twilightconfetti - Tumblr blog

[twilightconfetti]

I’ve been feeling myself get worse

Taking 5 steps back than forward

I’m being too hard on myself

For I know I can do better

I’m trying to do the soul work

So I can heal my heart

But it’s been hard

Cuz I feel so scarred

I feel the devil on my shoulder

Screaming louder than ever

To make me go back to my old patterns

To undo all my healing

My mind is in a constant battle with my heart

Should I do what’s right or what’s wrong

Even though wrong feels so good

I feel like I’m losing myself again

There are knots in my stomach

A stone on my heart

My mind feels numb

And my eyes are holding back tears

I hate feeling this way

Like I have no control

Filled with anxieties and insecurities

As I bite away at my lip

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It’s 2am

And I’m standing by the window

I can taste the crisp cold air

As I exhale all my sorrow

My head’s been a mess

My life chaotic

Oh dear god, no!

It’s time to let go

Making room to grow

Filling the spaces in my heart

That were hollow

It’s now my turn at happiness

To feel peace once more

It’s time now

To let go.

-Midnight revelation

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"If you see a bottomless pit make gravity your wings and let go of yourself from the edge, afterall falling is same as flying if it never ends."

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“Stories of past lives are continuously used to counter assumptions of another story. It reminds us that our story is part of a grand jigsaw puzzle. We are part of a larger narrative. Stories of the past impact stories of the present that impact stories of the future. We may not know these stories, but we have played roles in them. We must not assume that the story we encounter, experience or remember is the only story in the world. Our lives are the outcomes of roles performed in other stories. Even if we don’t remember those stories or those roles, we cannot escape their consequences.” -My Gita, Devdutt Pattanaik

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Love in my heart

Fire in my soul

Body finer than a piece of art

Intellect bigger than the black hole

I know how to find joy

When given a rose

And

Even when your smile wrinkles your nose

Did not learn

How to be someone’s subordinate

My strength can not be ascribed

To an ordinate

Will powerful enough

To move mountains

Judgment right enough

To know they’re beautiful right where they are

Don’t undermine my value

For I can shine brighter than any star.

-Being woman

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An outsider in my home

They look at me like I’m lost

But they don’t know

Never have I been

So grounded in my own zone.

I tiptoe

Around everyone’s feelings

But nobody cares

About what’s in my head

And what I’m seeing.

Caging me

With expensive gifts

And smiley pictures

For Christmas

Only to make me stay

With guilt

Alien to my tears.

I want to fly

And soar high

But they want to control

The color of my wings

And the destination to where I’m going.

I keep waiting

To find a new home

And hoping

That my time will come

But I’m running out of sand

And the fear of disappointing them

Is greater than ever.

Side note: Abuse mentally, physically and/or in any other form is damaging to health. Quarantine times are especially vulnerable for the same and I hope you are keeping yourself safe. Report to the authorities if you feel unsafe in any way or form and don’t be ashamed of talking to a therapist.

~peace&love

[twilightconfetti]

It is not in your hands who you fall in love with, much as it is not in their hands to reciprocate that love. Yes, it’s going to hurt at first but to love them like that, unconditionally, is the most selfless and beautiful forms of love. To want the best for them, to want them to be happy whether it’s with or without you. And it is the most comforting feeling to believe that all this love that you’re putting out in the world will somehow find it’s way back to you. And you need to hope for your dear life that someone someday will love you how you love and it’s going to be the most amazing feeling ever.

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Midnight revelation

It’s 2am

And I’m standing by the window

I can taste the crisp cold air

As I exhale all my sorrow

My head’s been a mess

My life chaotic

Oh dear god, no!

It’s time to let go

Making room to grow

Filling the spaces in my heart

That were hollow

It’s now my turn at happiness

To feel peace once more

It’s time now

To let go.

[twilightconfetti]

Maybe you’ll be okay, maybe you won’t

But you’ll miss me once I’m gone.

-A letter to the lover who never cared

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A million buzzing questions

Isn’t it ironic how we keep saying “focus on the present” yet we dwell on the future or past if we’re hurting in the “present”? Why are we so afraid of pain that we go miles and beyond to escape it? Why are we so afraid of breaking and not of moulding into someone we’re not? Why are we so afraid of losing ourselves when we’ve not yet found ourselves? Why do we keep hoping for a better future and not a better version of ourselves? Why do we keep wishing for a happy life without having found inner peace first? Why? Why do we keep running when we don’t know where we’re going yet?

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“i have finally stopped picking my world apart for you, at least i think i have, at least i am trying my best what is mot disappointing is that underneath all the love i coated you with in my mind, you are a bitter bitter pill a pill i don’t have to swallow anymore”

— i am letting ‘love’ go // justscribbledwords

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They asked me to spell poison and the only letters that came to my mind were the ones that formed your name.

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“I feel alone but it’s a little too late to let people in. Maybe not too late, but still, where do you begin? I don’t know where else to go except for this 15 inch screen and the pages of my journal. I don’t even know what I’m feeling when I feel about a million things and nothing at all. The world keeps turning even when your whole universe stood still. The world doesn’t care about you and it hurts to function when it’s marked so deep you can feel it in your chest. Maybe that’s exactly what I’m feeling. Like everyone’s world continues to turn and fall into place whereas mine is stuck and dark and it’ll be all my own fault.”

— excerpt of my journal (via a-quietsoul)

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I’m just a passenger in my own thought train.

-riding lost

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blame me for everything — go ahead. it changes nothing.

it won’t change what we’ve done and what we’ve said. it won’t bring water under the bridge. it is time to begin to accept that.

i am no one but me and you are no one but you. this is how the world turns. i know you wish i was a better person, but i am only a human. i am not as forgiving or as patient as you wish i am. i am no one but me. i am sour and acidic and bitter — there is nothing glorious about this. it is time to begin to accept that.

what happened has happened. it is gone, it is done. we are made of different things, you and i — it is time to begin to accept that.

you cannot mend shattered glass. you can put it together, but there will still be cracks left. we have done too much damage to repair things completely. put an end to this foolishness, put an end to this game. we are walking in circles around an all-consuming truth. we are dancing away from what we must accept.

the bridge between us is tattered, nothing left there but a rope, and under this torn rope is poison. we are standing on tiptoes upon a bridge that will fall someday or another. the air is cold and it is foggy and mist is wafting through the sky; this place is dismal and it is toxic. we should leave. i am turning my back, ready to walk away. i take a step, but i keep hearing you call out. i wonder, should i whirl around to face you? (no, i shouldn’t, because the rope is precarious territory and i am barely hanging on and too much movement will rock me down into the abyss of poison below. i know this and yet i stop as i hear your voice.)

the wind whips at my skin and carries your voice here. i want to stay here and respond. i want to say something. i want to tell you it isn’t worth it. but i know i shouldn’t, because it will spark a conversation, which is just more time atop this dreaded rope, more time above these dreaded fumes with green whorls of venom swirling underneath us. the smell is making me dizzy and it takes effort to keep standing here — it is putting strain upon my feet.

i take a step. i hear your voice. i don’t stop. it is easier, now, that i am moving my feet. my other foot moves. i am closer to the end of the rope than ever before. land stands before me, flat ground with nothing under it. it motivates me. there are only a few more steps left — one, then another, and another, and i am one step away when i hear your call again.

but it is vague in the distance. we are far away now. i can only hear your voice, but i cannot decipher the words. my foot moves of its own accord — i take my first step back on steady ground. the other foot follows.

the poison is rushing beneath me, but it is distant now. the wind brings goosebumps to my flesh, but this is another distant trouble. i turn around for the first time since i had taken my step away. you are still standing there. alone on a bridge that’s soon to fall.

my journey here has ended. i refuse to stand here, i refuse to stay here. i look at you and i know you cannot hear me, but i whisper, “it’s your turn now.” your turn to turn around. your turn to take the fateful steps away. your turn to end this pointless stance.

maybe you can see my lips moving. maybe you can’t. but it doesn’t matter, because i know that this is the place where i will begin to let go. it is a quiet step, more powerful than the heaviest stomp.

i watch you. i hear my heartbeat rushing in the silence. then, once more, i turn away and walk, back toward home.

— i will stand on poison no longer // victoria

@eloquencenet event: new beginnings // @eloquencenet challenge: old endings

[twilightconfetti]

feeling inside out

and upside down

and wrong

and right

and inbetween

and anything

and everything

and nothing

at the same time

while the time

doesn’t exist at all

a confusion

of confusion

and a mix of

every color

while each

is still clearly

visible

with this description

of my mind

and of my heart

i should have been named

Chaos