wittysmitty96

[wittysmitty96]

Ladies, I am holding out my hand. Do you trust me?

I need you to open Google Maps. Locate your nearest mall. Get in your car. Drive to Yankee Candle.

Past the seasonal pumpkin display, near the back of the store, you will find a trash pile Man Candle section. You will see candles called MMM, Bacon!. Riding Mower. Man Town. (I’m not kidding. Man Town.) Stay strong. Not in this section, but likely very near this section, you will find a candle called Mountain Lodge.

Hold this jar in your hands like a talisman. Close your eyes and picture a man.

I want to be clear: I’m not talking about a Hugh Dancy. Or an Andrew Garfield, a Ben Whishaw, even a Tom Hiddleston. This exercise requires someone in the Chris Evans weight class. The Richard Armitage department. Someone with smile lines around his eyes who could chop the cedar for your bower with his own hands, strangle an alpha wolf, carry you home when you sprain your ankle in the woods, bench press your entire body. Picture this man in your mountain home with a full beard, a slightly grimy white henley, a fond half smile he reserves only for you. Now open the lid and smell Mountain Lodge.

Steady yourself on the man candle display. Give yourself a second. No, you’re not wrong. Yes, the Yankee Candle Company has just eliminated the need for men. This medium tumbler Mountain Lodge candle jar is now your boyfriend. The Yankee Candle Company has effectively replaced the need for contact with the male half of our species with a compact and clean-burning candle in a jar.

“Do you like this one?” the cashier asked, ringing me up. “Every man should be required by law to smell like what this candle smells like,” I replied intensely. “That’ll be $12.01,” she said.

MOUNTAIN LODGE

[wittysmitty96]

Adulthood is literally just a cycle of spending every waking minute wishing you could go to bed until it’s actually time for bed and then it becomes the absolute LAST thing you want to do because going to bed is the thing that makes tomorrow happen and then you have to do it all over again

[wittysmitty96]

Writer’s Block

Someone help and send me a prompt or a cool blog/list of prompts. I can’t get out of this slump...

If it helps, I do m/m and f/f romance, fantasy, sci fi, action, and mystery

[wittysmitty96]

Prompt #5484

“I’ve been a hitman for three years. And I haven’t killed anyone.“

[wittysmitty96]

Yes, but what a shame, what a shame the poor groom’s bride is

uh… Thor?

[wittysmitty96]

me: typing into google a bunch of words and phrases to find that specific vine

fbi agent:

[wittysmitty96]

AA!Steve: If you dont kiss ur Tony on his tiny soft little forehead wtf are u even doing

Mcu!Rhodey: Yelling at him for trying to drink alcohol

[wittysmitty96]

I will literally never get tired of hearing about Tony Stark.

[wittysmitty96]

Listen up. There is literally an app that can help you avoid self harm and I don’t know why we aren’t talking about it.

Calm Harm can be tailored to your needs and will provide strategies to help you get past those crucial moments of wanting to harm.

It’s also totally FREE.

once again, it’s called CALM HARM

[wittysmitty96]

I remember being so heartbroken to learn that magic carpets were banned in the wizarding world like imagine being muggleborn and being this close to re-enacting “A Whole New World” from Aladdin (1992) and finding out it was illegal

[wittysmitty96]

corporate: we wont pay you a cent above min wage

also corporate: why are all the good employees quitting? why are we understaffed? we gotta fix the high turnover rate that happens god knows why. everyone on the floor go and work harder to compensate while we figure out this mystery thanks

[wittysmitty96]

look I like memes. I love memes. but where the fuck did the shaggy meme come from. it’s so fucking random. what is this. who thought “let me make a meme from the 2004 cast interviews for the live action Scooby-Doo, and have everyone go on about how shaggy gained powers that can kill everyone, so they explain how they avoided that. also let’s make him kill god” what the fuc k

[wittysmitty96]

pepper: hey tony, you and steve aren’t dating, right?

tony: haha nope

peter: *whispering* hey mr. stark what’s the thing that bees make

tony: uh… honey?

steve: yes sweetie?

tony:

steve: fuck

[wittysmitty96]

imma say it. “kung fu panda” did more for body positivity and saying that  you can be fat and still be healthy and liked than ANYTHING any beauty companies trying to get your money.

[wittysmitty96]

a collection of tweets, part 17

(the series)

[wittysmitty96]

[wittysmitty96]

Iron Man 1 Tony: Daddy

Spiderman Homecoming Tony: Dad