writer-at-hooters - Tumblr blog

[writer-at-hooters]

There’s no such thing as work-life balance for neurodivergent & chronically ill people.

This is because everything in my life requires work:

maintaining friendships

keeping up with my hygiene

managing bills

making money

remembering my basic needs

sleeping regularly

outputting creatively

All requires some aspect of work for me.

And when everything in your life requires work, your balance goes out the window.

If you're neurodivergent and overwhelmed — I see you.

If you're chronically ill and overwhelmed — I see you.

You're not dysfunctional.

You're not incapable.

You're doing your best.

[writer-at-hooters]

I told you I don't feel alive

[writer-at-hooters]

Everybody is so ready to be an advocate for autistics until said autistic

- has moderate-high support needs

- can’t work a job full time or can’t work at all

- can’t live independently

- can’t mask

- uses an AAC device

- has an intellectual disability

- needs a caretaker

- have meltdowns that makes them hurt themselves or others

- has any other autistic traits or accommodations that make it obvious that the person is autistic

Nobody cares about autism advocacy unless it is palatable and absolutely zero inconvenience to others (aka actually noticeably disabling). It’s only okay to be autistic if they can make it into a “quirky” personality trait.

[writer-at-hooters]

How many neurodivergent kids are made to feel like it’s their fault that they are bullied? How many of them are told that if they were less ‘weird’ or made more of an effort to make friends then they wouldn’t be bullied? How many of them are told that they are ‘too sensitive’ and need to stop taking things to heart?

School can be such a hellish time for neurodivergent children and those experiences can stay with you for life.

[writer-at-hooters]

This went on for months and months. It made it so I couldn't see anyone out of school much. I found myself isolated over and over again.

If you read this far you're probably wondering where this was going. I said all that to say that mental illness is something that can be affected by chemical imbalances, or in my cases repeatedly shitty situations that manifested for close to a decade. In the present, I struggle to value myself enough to pursue much of anything without being held down by so much self-doubt. despite all that I'm about to finish my final two credits for my degree.

In conclusion, the idea of mental illnesses creating an excuse for you or me to struggle in life is rooted in ignorance of your experience and how capitalism values those who are viewed as "productive." The results of your struggle are not something that should be seen as a failure on your end. This isn't to say that it's all on everyone else to make things better for you per se, but that doesn't mean you arent worthy of support or validation in such.

ADHD is a excuse to act like you have ADHD

Autism is a excuse to act autistic.

Depression is a excuse to act depressed.

CPTSD is a excuse to act like you have CPTSD.

In other words being neurodivergent is a excuse to behave neurodivergent.

At one point people said homosexuality is wrong. People's feeling would get hurt by seeing two men kiss or hold hand. Those people where on the wrong side of history. People who don't accept mental health symptoms are playing the victim and they are hurting themselves.

The consequences of having power over someone is the fault of the powerful not the oppressed.

[writer-at-hooters]

I agree, recently, especially in the past months or more, I have been struggling to stay motivated, keep a sleep schedule, take my meds at better times, and follow through on ideas that it would be possible to pursue. Having struggled with ADHD for my entire life as well as major depression and anxiety when I was in High School, my limitations because of my mental illness often felt blurred with where my own choices ended. This morning I woke up on time for my job interview, but took an extra five minutes in and woke up to find I missed the entire. Seroquel has always left me groggy in the morning unless I was able to access nicotine quickly.

While I was able to stay up late in college and wake up early despite the copious amount of weed and alcohol I was consuming; my work ethic for my job was something that I could get to no matter what, but my academics were always neglected. My relationship with my teachers deteriorated as issues back at home filled me with impending dread because they would end my relationship with my partner who I had been with since my first year got taken online due to the pandemic. As my graduation neared it felt like I was going to gallows due to my own actions. When my father had lung cancer, he didn't tell me or my mom for a while. They were divorced, and he would usually come to the house to get me, but over time he couldn't, or wouldn't pick me up. He began to work long hours with him sleeping for long stretches of the day and working at night. One way or another I was left alone over and over. He would be at work while I was left at home, and when he was home he would be asleep most of the day due to the night, but also due to cancer. For those who aren't familiar, lung cancer has one of the highest mortality out of most types. The first time he told us, he left and I went back into my mom's house honestly unsure of how to feel. What I remember distinctly in that moment was us watching "How it's Made," particularly about whiskey. My mom says words that would have haunted me, "I bet you cause use that right now." As time went on he slowly lost the battle with cancer. While he was in the hospital, I would be playing football, it was in the summer, and then going to the hospital to see him. Ubenounced to me, that my mom was being kept in the dark about his condition and told me that he was getting better. One early morning my mom got called into the hospital and she returned to inform me that he had passed. After that, my relationship with my mom worsened as I played video games by myself, with friends online, but never in person really. With my sports and video games, I wanted to feel some semblance of pride as the people in my life always stood out on the field in games. I know this sounds petty as fuck, but being good, or at least decent enough to myself was something that I felt would "help" me get past the grief. My academics were pretty mid, to say the least.

Over time, I increasingly lost more and more of a grasp on the motivation to do school, sports, the Boy Scouts, or much of anything else as I had gotten to high school. The school,l I went to, was a prep school on the West Coast where you had to pass a test to get in. I found out later that my test scores for it were pretty bad, to say the least. My grades got even worse as the workload piled higher. I kept playing sports outside of school, but at school, I went to tutoring both and outside trying to keep up, but my ADHD, which had not medicated up until this point had me pacing around school after hours waiting to get picked up despite the work I would've/could've been doing. This went on every year with me being on academic probation every year, but the last. Each year I had my mom crying to me about how she feared every call from the school because of struggling so much, yet I managed every class every year except for a language class that needed to be redone. Moreover, my mom never let me play video games for most of these school years, except for the summer where I had no classes really. It leads to me kind of just existing for the most part, Outside of my sports, in which I am consistently the slowest on the team, despite whatever additional practice I did. I started going to therapy when I was sixteen and was formally diagnosed with depression and anxiety, which explained why I basically would just sleep when I got home to not have to deal with my mom and the constant head fog that I had been in at this point. Halfway through high school, my grandma developed chronic kidney disease. This is bad, obviously, but much like being at home, I found myself left alone in a different way as we were at the hospital for close to six, sometimes seven hours. I couldn't do anything so I would walk around aimlessly for hours.

ADHD is a excuse to act like you have ADHD

Autism is a excuse to act autistic.

Depression is a excuse to act depressed.

CPTSD is a excuse to act like you have CPTSD.

In other words being neurodivergent is a excuse to behave neurodivergent.

At one point people said homosexuality is wrong. People's feeling would get hurt by seeing two men kiss or hold hand. Those people where on the wrong side of history. People who don't accept mental health symptoms are playing the victim and they are hurting themselves.

The consequences of having power over someone is the fault of the powerful not the oppressed.

[writer-at-hooters]

does anyone else feel like they become neurotypical while they're in the shower

[writer-at-hooters]

Post #2

I have a lot of issues with my mom, but at this point in my life, I've been thinking about her as she talks about her plans for what happens when she passes it makes me reminisce about how my dad would take me to all these amusements and I felt like he was the greatest dad on the planet, but I realize now that he knew he had lung cancer, and likely got drunk in his room and I didn't even know. When he passed we found so much liquor in the house that I didn't even think about probably he was drinking and sleeping while he was trying to deal with how he had lung cancer. For those of you who don't know lung cancer has a 90+% mortality. I recently had a point in my life where I was with my girlfriend in high school and I would drink, while leaving her apartment and would get a 4 look. I'd go back to her bathroom and would get the weed one of us bought and would smoke alone in the bathroom thinking about the impending consequences of my actions that I don't really want to get into. I knew that ultimately it would cause me to be separated from her for the foreseeable future. I'd think about how I would try to get back to her eventually and how rough my life would get after fact. I realized that was likely how he felt and how he likely would not see his family ever again. That woman was my everything and I Would do everything if I knew how much she meant to me. She wishes I didn't do things I did back home that took me away from her. Ultimately, it is what is. I am alone trying to forget where I am as I struggle to find a job and deal with living with my mother. She says it doesn't matter while I am finishing classes I should have finished while I was at school. I feel like I am a waste of space as I stay up late at night watching Netflix, twitch, and ASMR trying to forget how I have fucked up my life. In conclusion, I know with my major I can get to a point in my life where I can live by myself, but it won't stop me from feeling like I am the greatest burden in the household. I have been fixing my household as I focus on the service I strive for. Hopefully, I can embellish it with time to where I can get a job that pays consistently enough so that I Can pay to see my psychiatrist and my regular doctor. Until I will marinade in the sorrow and gratitude that this household provides with the food, bed, and shelter she provides

[writer-at-hooters]

Post #1

I Was going to originally write this about my cycle of mental motivation related to my environment and mental disorders, but I am going with the following. As a black man, among other things, my mental expression and state and expression stretched between different people. Women obviously face several obstacles that are understood, but never personally experienced. At the moment due to circumstances, I don't want to get into the moment. I have constantly kept some portion of myself from different people in a way that feels like I am constantly going through a revolving door of identities and circumstances. With one therapist it's about my ADHD, and with another, I have to say what they need to hear until things pass. I never show 100- percent of myself to much of anyone in my life. Recently I had an in-depth conversation about blackness and the intersection of masculinity. Ultimately, I had to withhold things from even them because of the delicate and complex nature of my situation. As I see it is something that feels like a theater production where I am constantly changing clothes, but acting like it's the same play. I feel like at the moment I am in a production that will go on for some more months. Until it is me giving a part of myself or upholding the status quo of my being. Ultimately I'll one day get to a point where I can air out who I am to a therapist that my insurance covers. Even then I may have to have to watch what I say for one reason or another.

[writer-at-hooters]

Getting Started

Hello, my name is Hooter,

I mostly started this because all of my ADHD-based ramblings have been something that I just wanted to put out there. I"ll try to keep it to once a week because that works best, but I may do more in a week. I also might miss someone, but who cares.