you-fckn-wish - Tumblr blog

[you-fckn-wish]

A Lost Soul turned 2 today!

when I made this account, it was only ever meant to be a space for me to scream into the void at one of the deepest and darkest moments for me mentally. never had I expected to make it past a year before I let the hurt get the best of me, let alone two. And yet, here I stand. Still hurting, still screaming, still crying, and most importantly still fighting. I haven’t lost yet, and I don’t plan to anytime soon.

[you-fckn-wish]

I never thought I’d be standing at this crossroad in my life ever again. All that I’ve wanted for the last three years had been closure. I waited so long, too long that I had to find it within myself. I’ve finally healed and it was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. I don’t know if letting you back into my life is closing a chapter or opening a wound. I was supposed to be ready for this. I’ve had years to be ready for this. This is all I’ve wanted for so long and now that I have it, something feels wrong. I want to trust you, I want to have something again but part of me knows I can never have what we once did back. Nothing will ever be the same. We, as individuals, are no where near the same people we were the last time I knew you. I don’t know you now. You don’t know me. We’re strangers again. Just like six years ago. The last time I let you be more than a stranger to me it ended in disaster. Please, let this time be different. I need this time to be different.

[you-fckn-wish]

I’m just so fucking tired.

[you-fckn-wish]

I’m afraid that there isn’t anything left.

Nothing more to give.

[you-fckn-wish]

I used to be mad that you seemed to be doing so fine after everything that happened between us. But now I guess I’m glad that you’re doing better than me because I wouldn’t wish the way I feel right now on anyone. Not even you.

[you-fckn-wish]

To me the worst part of growing up is as the years go by and experiences happen to you, often you don’t see those experiences as what they truly are until they’re already nothing more than a memory. And not only does this mean that you don’t appreciate things maybe as much as you think you should have…it also means that you have to live with the knowledge that those horrible things that happened to you were actually just that: horrible. And the innocence that once shielded you from all of the hurt in the exact moment it happened deteriorates and now you’re processing so much more than you were ever prepared for, maybe more than you even remembered in the first place…only now it’s too late to go back and save yourself from them. It’s all already happened and now you feel guilty for dwelling on the hurt of the past.

[you-fckn-wish]

Hi.

[you-fckn-wish]

I could be a month + clean, the happiest i've been in years, thinking I'm finally on the path to getting better. And then one word, just one fucking word, is enough to make me fall apart completely...all over again.

[you-fckn-wish]

Government: Hey, don't leave your house for a while

My brain: Sounds like a great opportunity to start slicing those wrists again huh? Let's to do that now.

[you-fckn-wish]

Life will not end when you die

You will.

The world won't stop spinning. People won't stop breathing. Humans won't stop existing.

Someone will be born and someone else will die in the same second you dissapear.

Life will not end when you die.

You will.

[you-fckn-wish]

You remember the fire, don't you?

How the flames glowed in the reflection of your glass skin. What the heat felt like burning up your walls from the inside. How the smoke enveloped you, and suffocated you. Every detail of the way the flames danced is so vivid in your mind, you swear they're still burning right behind you. But they're not, they were snuffed a long time ago. It didn't matter that you were wearing a suit of kevlar. The flames slipped right under it with ease. It didn't matter that you were standing just outside a fire station. They all just watched you burn and laughed. It didn't matter that the fire didn't leave a mark on your body. You would do that part yourself, tracing where the flames licked your skin with the only thing that felt anywhere near as painful as its burns. You desperately cried out, screaming for someone, anyone to pull you out before you're nothing but ashes. No one heard you, not even yourself.

You remember the fire, don't you?

[you-fckn-wish]

Imagine knowing that someone literally threatened to send an innocent person to jail, along with their family, as well as make tons of false accusations towards multiple people all in an attempt to just ruin people's lives and careers just because they wanted to, and still support them. Imagine.

[you-fckn-wish]

My aunt just sent me a whole ass rant about my cousins and how they're never going to amount to anything and are probably going to end up in a mental institution....

Like, if anyone in my family is gonna end up in a mental hospital it's me. Wtf I'm supposed to say to that? 😂😂

[you-fckn-wish]

Idk man, I just have a hard time believing that I would ever really regret killing myself.

[you-fckn-wish]

Anyone willing to just sit and listen and to my really dark, kind of sociopathic thoughts for a little while and promise not to call the cops on me?

[you-fckn-wish]

I find it almost funny when people decide to message other blogs that talk about wanting to die all the time about their suicidal thoughts. Like how am I supposed to help you or give you advice when I spend half my life staring at the ceiling wishing I could close my eyes and ever open them again.

[you-fckn-wish]

Make me feel something.

Make me happy. Make me upset. Make me hurt. Make me angry. Make me sad.

Hurt me. Destroy me. Break my heart, step on it and write the word bitch on my forehead with my own blood. Make me cry and scream in pain.

I don't care what it is.

Just make me feel something.