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[zee2tha]

31.12.18

The December winds swept into January. It was a brand New Year and with a New Year came a chance to start a fresh.

The person who you were before, the person that made mistakes, who you weren’t 100 percent happy with, that didn’t mean anything. You had the chance to reinvent and that is exactly what I was going to do.

I was washing away the me that was too scared to do anything. The me that…

[zee2tha]

30.12.18

My heart had experienced a rollercoaster of emotions this year. For the most I felt that I was playing a losing game. Nothing seemed to be happening for me.

I had never felt more alone. Or if I had this just felt worse at the moment. I just felt like I couldn’t catch a break. That I was cursed. That up meant down and down meant up. That left meant right and right meant left. You catch my drift.

L…

[zee2tha]

29.12.18

All my things were packed up into bags and boxes.

I thought I would feel weird. This place had been home for me for nearly 10 years. Well I used the term home loosely. This place had been far from a home.

A home was supposed to radiate warmth. You were supposed to feel safe at home. I was always on edge here. Trapped. I never felt free. Never in control of my own actions.

Today those feeling were…

[zee2tha]

28.12.18

There was nothing better than someone doing something special for you.

You get this warm gushy feeling that pools in your stomach and spreads all around you.

You get that flushed feeling and your cheeks are warm to the touch. Your heart feels like it’s wrapped up in bubbles.

That’s exactly how I felt when I opened the locker and found three mini cheesecakes wrapped up in foil.

Lemon to be…

[zee2tha]

27.12.18

Winter had settled in and it was making a right song and dance of not going anywhere. It was cold.

Winter jackets were a must. As were gloves and warm insulated shoes. There was no time for frost bitten finger and toes. Work had to be done.

A familiar but unwelcome scratchy feeling began to plague my throat. It had begun. I had fallen prey of the common cold.

For now I could stand up and could…

[zee2tha]

26.12.18

So I Google how to stop fading into the background.

Because it’s something that I can’t stop from happening.

No matter what I do, even if I try something different. I always seem to somehow disappear.

I’m always overlooked. It’s sad and I am really trying my best to stand out, but it just keeps happening.

So I’m working on a plan to never go unnoticed again.

My grand scheme starts today. No one…

[zee2tha]

25.12.18

My eyes felt heavy as the day began to draw to a close.

I felt full and happy. Stuffed on turkey and all the trimmings. What a day. Surrounded by family and food. What other way was there to spend Christmas?

My feet were more than doggone tired but I would survive.

For one day of the year I could forget about all the woes that were constantly running about my head and just be happy.

Happy, a word…

[zee2tha]

24.12.18

The house lay silent, excited minds had fallen quiet long ago, lost in deep pits of sleep.

I sat downstairs amongst rolls and rolls of wrapping paper, illuminated by the lights of the Christmas tree.

It was so like me to be so last minute. I had to be better next year.

A cup of cocoa floated above me as Dan handed me a cup. Trying my best to escape the destruction that lay all around me I reached…

[zee2tha]

23.12.18

Five broken bottles lay at my feet. Five bottles that once had a purpose, a reason to exist, lay broken at my feet.

It wasn’t an accident. I did it on purpose. I allowed them to fall from my grasp. I allowed the glass to shatter and spray upwards as the bottles hit the floor. Allowed the wine to pool around the floor as it finally managed to gain its great escape and flow steadily to my perfect…

[zee2tha]

22.12.18

You smile that fake smile in my direction and for what feels like the 100th time I ponder on why you hate me so much.

What makes you get up and decide you know what I will hate her today? It fascinates me.

Because I have never done anything to directly make you hate me. All I’ve ever wanted was for us to get on. To be friends. To live together in harmony.

What makes you feel so attacked by me?…

[zee2tha]

21.12.18

Sleep. A concept made for people who like to give their body the nourishment and the respect it deserves.

I was not one of those people.

My current state was more than tired, if that was even possible.

I had run myself ragged. Going from a 10 hour shift to studying.

Who said that education was rewarding. At this time I wanted to slap them across the face and yell that it was far from rewarding.

A…

[zee2tha]

20.12.18

Who would have thought that something that comes so natural to many, held the power of changing your mood. Turning it a whole 180.

Something that you didn’t have to pay for, but you could do if you wanted a professional.

The body was such a powerful tool.

That’s what was running through my head as I stared at the chip of paint that was hanging on for dear life to the ceiling.

Why wouldn’t it just…

[zee2tha]

19.11.18

Most of the time my head feels like it’s stuck in a cloud of fog. It’s heavy, weighted down by worry after worry after worry.

I’m a prisoner shackled to doubt.

I want to break through. I want to be brave.

My feet edge closer to the sea. The sand feels hot under my heels. My eyes are closed.

The sun beats down on me and the sounds of the waves guide me. One more step and I’ve made it. The water…

[zee2tha]

18.12.18

You came into my life when it was so stagnant.

You were the spark that lit the fireworks inside of me.

Woke me up from the coma I had fallen into. You brought me back to life.

Now that you’re gone. I don’t know who I am anymore. I stare blankly at walls hide myself from the outside world.

Sometimes I hear bird songs and it makes me cry, not with sadness but with joy.

I think back to the times we…

[zee2tha]

17.12.18

My heart was a flutter. My mouth dry. I could smell him from all the way over here in my corner. His scent was so intoxicating, it had sandalwood tones. My absolute fave.

Would he look my way? All he needed to do was turn 47 degrees to his left and he would be face to face with his future wife. The love of his life. All he needed to do, was turn around. Just turn around. It was so easy. I was…

[zee2tha]

16.12.18

The smell of weed and uncleanness tickled my nose.

My gag reflectors went into overdrive.

Why was personal hygiene something that some people felt the need to neglect?

I pulled my jacket up to my nose trying to censor the smell. This was why I took the bus, if in doubt crank a window open and dash the smell outside where it belonged.

The train jolted and the man’s arm swiped past my face. I…

[zee2tha]

15.12.18

The icy wind brushed my cheeks and I opened my eyes, inhaling the sweet smell of winter.

I loved winter, I loved the harsh bite of cold as it blew its icy breath across the land. I didn’t even mind the cold toes and fingertips every now and again. It was a reminder that I was still alive.

A smile slowly crawled across my face as I took in the scene. It was a frosty morning and the lawn was…