#some transition missing
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"Gods -Sarai, get up. Just -what am I going to tell them ?"
#viren#tdp viren#the dragon prince#tdp lord viren#tdp#tdp fanart#sarai#queen sarai#tdp sarai#tell me you didn't think for at least a split second he was Callum's dad and I'll call you a liar#I headcanon he has had a post-traumatic limp after this#As a Lancelot fan I must admit I am quite obsessed with this ship#He kept her last breath and his guilt bottled up for ten years how romantic is that#Plus her death meant that a dark mage was the only thing more valuable than a crowned head#that's why he hesitated when Harrow asked him if he would die for him#cant believe that asshole lit her a candle right after deciding to murder her sons#Cf the book He had known Sarai in ways even Amaya hadn't#I just cant believe he ordered the murder of her kids without hesitation#I get why doing it but not the lack of hesitation#there clearly is some scene#some transition missing#Virai#No one cares about this ship but I love it#thought he was going to give his blood for the revenge spell#Viren/sarai
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get ya with the punk tactics
#bit of fun for a break#missing rottmnt's art style#song is Punk Tactics by Joey Valence & Brae#some of these transitions are smoother than others#CJ's edits#rise of the teenage mutant ninja turtles#animation#rottmnt#amv#tmnt#teenage mutant ninja turtles
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For moment, you are home.
[First] Prev <–-> Next
#poorly drawn mdzs#mdzs#granny wen#a-yuan#wen qing#wei wuxian#wen ning#wen bin bin#Si-shu#I had hopes to post this for Valentine's day - but I chose to practice self-love and get some sleep.#Instead I am here on the day of this blog's two year anniversary to reminisce and give thanks.#Not quite about blog stuff. That's for another post. I have quite a few treats to share for this anniversary!#Rather...I've been thinking about my own relationships and the bonds I've forged and broken.#The transition between environments...when you leave somewhere and hear about how all the people you were once close with-#-have been moving on without you? It's so bittersweet.#You want to be happy for them. You wish you were at their side. You cannot be at their side.#Relationships change like the tides. They ebb and flow. Sometimes they crash so hard into the shore it reshapes it entirely.#The truth is that we are more surrounded by love than we realize. Even when we feel utterly alone - there is someone who wants to help.#And to me this scene strikes a chord in that way.#This is the reminder than even though you feel like it is all burning down around you - you are loved.#There are people who miss you. People who are so thankful for your presence in their life.#And most importantly of all. And I say this from the heart: There are people you have yet to meet.#Remember this in the darkest of days: The future is full of loves you have yet to see. The present is also full of love you forgot to see.#Another reminder to go tell someone you care about how much they mean to you today. It matters.
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I think everyone should try a few weeks of HRT as a treat
#trans#hrt#this isn't in a gatekeepy transmed way (some ppl assume that when they see emphasis on medical transition)#this is the opposite of gatekeepy transmed. im going to inject your cisgender ass with hormones in your sleep#gif warning#glitter text#bloggif.com#theyre not gonna get it joker image#feel free to repost wtv#being cisgender is no excuse#try transition today#you miss out on some of life's magic by not trying medical transition#witness your body shift towards the light#don't overthink it just try a bite
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I know you’re in a world of darkness and dissatisfaction, I also know the way out
#first image is from the invocation of my demon brother by kenneth anger#second is cool hand luke!#i originally had another picture that came between these two that i think helped them connect better but i don’t like the way it looked#so some of my storytelling is missing but i’ll probably post it on it’s own it just doesn’t match well enough#but im trying to kind of draw a connection between luke and lucifer and also transition and ritual iykwim#autoandrophilia#force masc#forced masculinization#forcemasc#ftm hypno#boy hypno
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r u chill w non transitioning ppl?
Why wouldn't I be? At one point, every trans person who is transitioning was once someone who wasn't (whether or not that was a choice or their need is a separate discussion).
Hatred of any kind of trans person is not a Righteous or Good Thing - every single trans person has their place, their entitlement to safety, community, and respect of who they are
#ask#anon#trans#transgender#lgbt#lgbtq#ftm#mtf#nonbinary#when i was a kid i cared way more about Earning a spot - about every trans person Proving ourselves#and then i grew up in many ways and experienced many unfortunate things - as a kid who couldn't transition nonetheless#that quickly sobered me to the reality that it doesn't matter what you do or don't do as a trans person#divided we fall. you canNOT give into the divide and conquer strategy - you will NEVER survive#the second you decide that some trans people are worth discarding entirely is the second you set a precedent#and that precedent will eventually choke you. that precedent WILL exclude you eventually#i think a lot of people end up in the place of You Have To Earn Your Spot because they think it will save them...#...those ridged requirements tell you what you need to do to Earn Being Alive...#...if there is no goal where you have earned unconditional respect and security what is there to do?#what would the point be? why should trans people even bother if we aren't guaranteed safety over all?#that misses the true foundation for so many of those requirements is control - not safety or respect#as i have transitioned medically i've learned so much about what the point is#in so many ways i have had really negative experiences because of transitioning - but the joy always outweighs the pain#that joy is what made it worth it
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I keep going back and forth on the topic of where I fall on the allo/aro spectrum, partially because I kind of like. Don't wanna be aro (I'm already trans, queer and autistic with depressive tendencies, I don't need to add another thing to the list)
But another part of it is that even if I am capable of romantic love I probably just wouldn't know, because I already don't really know what platonic love feels like? And I'm not saying I can't love anything or anything like that it's just. Like many other emotions, I kind of have to retroingeneer it, sort of
I know I love my cats, not because I feel a surge of Something when I look at them, but because it makes me smile when they do something cute—my face knows what I'm feeling in those moments, I'm not sure I do. I know I love them because when Pouet died I cried every day for a month and I still cry sometimes, when I think about her. I know I love my cats because my brain keeps lighting up with fear signals when they're sleeping and I don't immediately see their chest move as they breathe.
I know what anxiety feels like, I know what anger feels like (when it explodes), I know what depression feels like because I dealt with them for so long I learned to recognize their physical symptoms! If these emotions didn't leave specific signals in my body then I'm not sure I'd know what they are.
And the thing is... I don't really like. Know what love or affection feels like, I think. Yes I can feel myself smile when I speak to certain people, but I also habitually smile at everybody because it makes things easier socially. I know I like people because if they ask me if I want to do an activity I either say yes or I have regrets about saying no.
My point is: I feel like I don't know my emotions so much as I know the buttons they push in my body, so to speak, but the problem about platonic/romantic love is that I can't imagine they make that different a shame, so who's to say which one it is?
It's funny, in a way, that I don't know something like that at my age. It's also really inconvenient, tbh. There's not really a reason for me to think about this rn except sometimes if I meet a cool dude whom I know is gay I wonder for a minute or two what a relationship with him would be like (which I'm going to assume is not that weird a thing to do) and the last time that happened led to, well. Ponderings about romance I guess
Anyway, the tl;Dr is that it took me decades to figure out the emotions I can recognize now, and I've largely approached social interactions with the inner spirit of a wet Chihuahua for most of that time, so how the fuck do I know if I can't identify those because I'm shit at self understanding or because I don't feel them???
Idk, it's complicated
(Tho honestly it would also be a little bit hilarious if after all this shit I landed on nah just aro. Not my preferred option right now but eh xD)
#Matt has a life#Shit from home#BUT ALSO#When I came out as a lesbian it was sort of a logical reasoning#'oh I'm not interested in being in a straight relationship so I mist be a lesbian'#V neutral when you look at it#Whereas figuring out I was trans came with such a wave of like#relief and joy that EVEN I couldn't miss it#it was so strong it's been the cornerstone of getting myself out of anxiety spirals everytime I wondered if I was allowed to identify#as trans despite not starting any official transition process for the past eight years#you would THINK that an accurate label ought to feel like that right?#aro... doesn't#is it prejudice I haven't dealt with? is it bc it's not accurate? is it because my trauma is largely centered on my gender identity#and having suffered less about the romantic spectrum side of things made my reactions less intense?#a mix of all of those? some degree of repression because I'm still not done feeling like if I try to have a presence in people's life I wil#make them uncomfortable and disgusted because I'm some sort of monstrous being?#I sure as shit had no shortage of shame back when I had that coworker of mine that made me blush and stammer and was 5 years younger than m#URGH#Can you tell I don't have a therapist#10n
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im having an absolute unadulterated blast with the Ethersea prologue for many many reasons, it's beautiful and exceeds all my expectations.. but also. there's many moments here that genuinely make me go "oh god damn, these people are Americans." the Quiet Year system is a profoundly fascinating and revealing game - nothing tells you quite as much about how somebody sees the world than asking them to imagine a new one.
#customizable 'single family housing' the immediate adoption of a liberal economic system hierarchical gvt structures... and fish#especially when the whole set up is such a clear metaphor for climate change as the consequence of industrialization!#'single family housing' just rocked me so hard. that in the middle of an apocalypse we'd use resources towards that kind of individualism#and then they *do* kind of brush against that! with the idea of Community going down because of the inability to connect with neighbours!#the adventure zone#taz ethersea#mine#edit also not to understate that i do find the critique and allegory that is present to be really nice and genuinely exciting#the ending of prologue v goes SO HARD i was out of breath from the excited stimming#and i think my difficulty reading tone made me miss that the 'entrepeneur' thing was a joke? like theres still some#interesting biases at work here but maybe there's more insight than i gave it credit for. im curious about how ol' joshie's bs will develop#autistic anarchocommie netwon moments#also i wish theyd be less anxious about the brinear as a DID allegory i think it could be so interestinggg#we'll see. im really loving this show so far. taz has such a very special direct connection to my heart#i really like what theyre doing with this stuff even if sometimes i wish theyd do a lot more#the ending monologue of prologue v basically encapsulates most of the things about this that i find exciting and cool#i hope the transition to dnd will still allow them to bloom
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ive decided to drop the bigender label. originally i used it dual-wielding being a guy and agender at the same time or at fluctuating times coz i wanted to be perceived a certain way ... but ive decided that ultimately i am just agender, one who would prefer to be treated like a guy socially, but in safe spaces can be agender in peace. i like masc terms still, but i am not too fond of being called a man exactly anymore. guy, dude, boy, husband, boyfriend, etc are all good still though.
i am back to where i was like 3-4 years ago: just some agender guy. i had the right idea.
#log date.txt#its so funny tho coz like#as soon as i stopped identifying as agender#i like. missed it. but i just felt like i needed to move in a different direction#as i was processing transitioning and how i want to be seen socially#ive been genderfluid and bigender all to include some type of man-like gender alongside my agenderness#but i think thats just me grappling with dysphoria#i like being agender. it's always felt right for me. and i will deal with how i am perceived as it comes.#i dont like the idea of explaining my identity to everyone all the time so i wont.#if you get it you get it
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ceo of pancakes ( ˶°ㅁ°) !!
#wow what a pleasant young man! I sure do hope he doesn't pull some tomfuckery at some point in the story!#oh.. cool.. we can work with this its salvageable#oh he's got a gun thats just swell#“pleasant boy” my ass he shot me#pancakes#pspsps summoning miss “I can fix him” come get yo fav murderer pspsppsps#transitioning would fix her#I can't believe i've never posted persona before#goro akechi#persona 5#my art#persona 5 akechi#p5 akechi#p5 fanart
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a n y w a y s wake me up on june 17 for the chizuren date chapter—
#a n d going by past trends ch10’s preview should be up on monday midnight (jst)~~~~~~~~~~~~#since it’s released part by part online on line every 2 weeks#and since this is a spyfam week it means it’s also a kawaigomen week (<-keeps track of biweekly releases this way)#but really thoughhhh~~~~~~~ i wonder how long the chizuchan manga will go on for#i’d totally thought that it’s be 3 vols long but~~~~ we’re 9 chs in and there doesn’t seem to be any sign of the hallway fight#since the drama that happened so far all involved her jobs (in general) in some way (and not chizuchan as her present self at school)#it’d be very. *very* funny if they were all like ‘oh ya i fought with my bestie at school a few weeks back but we made up so all’s good now’#and basically turned the climax of the [redacted] anime into some noodle incident but it’s highly unlikely#since the only windows for that were during the ch6-8 [spoiler] and the short transition between ch8 and 9…#but it’s really reallyyyyyy unlikely since they weren’t wearing their usual maid outfits at the time…#but ig it’d be hilarious if this entire manga was just a huge fever dream a la ‘this is what would happen if chizuchan had work friends’#and it abruptly ends with chizuchan waking up and going ‘oh lol so renren was all just a dream… now then. gotta get kawaii for lxl concert~’#and *then* she turns to the person next to her in the audience of the front row at lxl live a n d#looks into the eyes of the literal guy of her dreams (renren) and that’s how the story ends#but i dunnooo~~~~~~~~ this story could go *anywhere* tbhhh. the sky’s the limit for this crackery. i want it to go on for at least 10 vols.#what if april fools kawaigomen wasn’t a lie. what if the manga ends with old lady chizuchan still being kawaii (ft. old man renren)#[kicks rock] i hope we get vol 3 some time soon… by my earliest estimation i think we could see it between. like. november(?) & december(?)#or maybe even late sep-oct if we’re *very* lucky…#maaaaaannnnnnnnn~~~~~~~~ i miss renren~~~~~~~#what do you think will happen first? vol 3 release or renren mv—
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Begging people who don’t like musicals to stop saying shit like “musicals suck because the songs come out of nowhere and it’s unrealistic and it’s not good music (aka music I like to listen to)” and just simply
not watch musicals.
#sorry I’m so tired of this complaint. go watch something else instead of missing the point of an entire art medium#some musicals handle their transitions better than others this is true#some songwriters aren’t the best for musicals and write really boring songs.#but it’s always some weird ‘critique’ of the medium itself and it’s so tiring.#just don’t watch stuff you don’t like and accept that a lot of art out there isn’t fucking made for you.#??? I will never understand this kind of person.#storyrambles
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Early morning I-can't-sleep-for-stress-over-a-medical-procedure thoughts: Well, OBVIOUSLY I have to make my weird Mourn Watch Rook something like Moritani so that her nickname can be Mori. Obviously.
#hush frenchy#i typically don't pre-create characters for games but datv really got me with the mourn watch#she'll either be a dwarf or a human#kinda leaning dwarf now after seeing some of the cc but we will never know for sure until we get in it#I'm so excited I'm gonna make her like the opposite of wyn#still death-touched still kind weird and off-putting with her way of seeing things but like#also SO in love with the world and with life#another gentle shepard of souls without the river of tragedy running through her to make her a herald of fury#little miss death-the-transition rather than death-the-journey's-end
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god. i miss my old classmates
#fuzzy squeaks#head in hands. i didn't even LIKE some of these people. some of these people were JERKS#and it's been so long and it would probably be really weird to contact them out of the blue#but i MISS them i miss them i miss them I MISS THEM!!!!!!!!!#fuck.#like. i just. most of the reason that i went back to school for seventh grade was bc i wanted to know what they were up to....#how they were doing... how they had changed...... and i always imagined my future as being partially in the same town w/ the same people#[which was probably kind of silly. i don't think that it would've worked out that way even if we HADN'T moved]#but i just! i just miss them! it's so stupid because i've had CHANCES to talk to some of them before and i haven't done it#and everyone is going to graduate and move away and then i will never see them again#like. i dunno. i hated some of them but i've known them for so long#and one of them waved to me out of the window of his car a while ago and he said hello and it was so sweet ? :(#and i've been looking at photos from last year and one of the kids who was on my basketball team has a Lot of tattoos on her arms now#and my mom heard that one of my classmates was on track to graduate early#and i think that one of the people on my rowing team might have transitioned ?#and i saw a picture of one of the kids who was in my GSA and he looks awesome i hope he's doing well#and i recognized a lot of people who were in choir with me#and i wonder how they're doing and if they're still friends with each other#and i'm worried about two of my classmates and their families bc of ICE and i hope they're okay#and it's so cool that that guy is graduating early#we were the Best of Buddies in kindergarten & first grade#and i wonder if [girl with tattoos] is still annoying#ANYWAYS. got that out of my system. sorry for the long ramble in the tags
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damnnnnn kinda bummed that starting testosterone means i have to go easy on the workouts in the beginning bc i was SO ready to toss myself into the nearest chain gym but.
well
#clown horn#gestures vaguely#i'm currently kinda brokety broke from missing so many hours due to appts#but also i'm prepping for my bday.... kinda. i gotta save up some coins for that!#but ALSO the packet that the clinic handed to me included warnings to take exercise easy at 1st#once i start takin t shots cuz muscle builds quickly sure but the tendons and ligaments need time to catch up#and i'm like :/ well#i guess i won't be buying that gym membership after all! i guess i'll buy weights to start with @ home#eh. suits me just fine. it's abt time i start truly working on a stretching regimen i guess#plus the gyms around my area look. ehhhh kinda shady#lots of 1 star reviews ngl#kinda makes me nervous as a broke trans person#i feel like between working on being forklift certified. transitioning. starting a new job recently. starting 2 exercise more#i'm already packing more onto my plate than i really need to#so yeah maybe this is for the best LOL i'm kind of overdoing it rn#the hypercompetency is getting a Bit Much lately if we're gonna be completely honest 😅
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I feel so much more tormented than my other trans friends ngl
#I think maybe I feel alienated because a lot of my trans friends with confidence pride themselves on a sense of attractiveness#its not attractive in the normative sense but moreso within their idea of attractiveness#there’s not really anything wrong with this that I can put my finger on#I think it’s more that I just don’t value myself that way at all#I can’t overcome my dysphoria or insecurity by thinking that I’m hot. like I just don’t aspire to that#I remember telling some friends that I wished I could just be ugly#like ugly as in a state of not trying or having to try#not ugly as in any specific image#and I told them I didn’t care about being hot like it didn’t appeal#and they said ‘maybe being ugly is your way of feeling hot’#like no you guys missed the point#but idk how to express my point#I feel like if I transitioned I could just chill for once idk#I’d rather be an ugly boy than a pretty girl#family is always telling me I’m such a pretty girl despite everything I do#I’m gonna break their hearts
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