#things will be easier for a little while while i just focus on academics

[deadbuys]

back on here, going to try and reply to stuff intermittently today (maybe queue. or not. up to future me) now that my life is gonna be cooling down a little

[hivemuthur]

The Game of Teaching Body - Ch. 8.

viktorxfemale!reader explict! (we got there)

AU university, AU modern era, slow burn, frenemies to lovers, teasing, pinning, banter, eventual romance and therefore smut, Viktor is simultaneously a menace and needs a hug, TA Viktor

Ch.1. | Ch.2. | Ch.3. | Ch.4. | Ch.5. | Ch.6. | Ch.7. | Ch.9. | Ch.10. | Ch.11. | Ch.12.

word count: 5,4K

tag: #the game of teaching body

summary: ok, I'm covering my eyes while I drop this. I'm sorry for making Viktor such a drunk fuck. Also tw: alcohol and drunken groping with consent.

Cross-posted on AO3 + POV3rd Person Version

—

You sat in the library; the complete silence, save for the rustling of papers around you, made your head pound with your own blood pressure. The stacks of books and papers in front of you felt heavier than usual. Your eyes kept drifting to the sheet of notes Viktor had given you—notes for the classes you had missed while you were sick. You hadn’t been able to focus much earlier, and now, even though the words were neatly typed and clear, your mind kept coming back to the small annotations Viktor had written in the margins. His handwriting was precise, almost mechanical in its neatness, but there was something about the way he added little reminders or tips for you that made your heart skip a beat.

“Don’t overthink this part—just get to the point.”

You read it again, your finger tracing the lines, a flicker of a smile tugging at the corner of your lips. Typical Viktor, trying to simplify the most complicated concepts. You imagined him sitting at his desk, brows furrowed in concentration as he wrote those words. You even found yourself wondering if he’d been thinking about you when he wrote them—if he had anticipated you being confused or struggling with the material.

The thought caught you off guard.

You shifted in your seat, trying to shove the feeling down. Stop it, you told yourself. Focus on the work. No distractions.

But it was hard. The more you tried to ignore it, the more vivid the memory of Viktor’s teasing smirk and his quiet intensity became.

You’ve been thinking about him too much, you told yourself, rubbing your eyes as if the physical motion could shake the thoughts loose.

Your gaze flicked back to his notes, and something in your chest tightened again. You should’ve been mad at him for being so distant, so... cryptic. It was easier to be angry, but the more you thought about him, the more complicated things became. The frustration of his mixed signals—the way he acted like he didn’t care, even though you could tell that there was something more beneath the surface. Or you had made it up. Or not. The way you fought each other for control was… annoying, at best.

Your finger paused mid-air, hovering over another annotation. “You’re doing fine. Trust yourself.”

The words hit harder than you expected. You hadn’t realized how much you needed to hear them. There it was again—the subtle way Viktor pushed you to believe in yourself, even when he barely acknowledged you beyond your academic interactions.

You leaned back in your chair, closing your eyes, trying to push the confusing swirl of emotions away. It’s just a stupid crush, you told yourself. It doesn’t mean anything.

But then a thought popped into your head—one you would never say out loud, but it made your lips twitch. “If you’re ever feeling lost, Viktor, just look at your own notes. They’re like a secret map to your soul.”

You laughed quietly to yourself, imagining his dry, deadpan response. “I’d rather get lost, honestly.”

The sound of your own laughter felt strange, almost foreign. You hadn’t allowed yourself to be this relaxed in a while, not with Viktor constantly invading your thoughts, making you second-guess everything you thought you knew. You could picture him standing in front of you with that smug grin, the way his voice would carry a teasing tone. You could almost hear it now—the way his eyes would narrow in mock annoyance, pretending to be unaffected by your joke.

The brief moment of humour quickly faded, replaced by a familiar ache in your chest.

God, I’m such an idiot. You clutched the notes tighter, but the thought wouldn’t leave. What if he actually is a secret softie? What if he’s not as distant as he pretends to be?

Your breath caught at the realisation. You were in deeper than you’d ever wanted to admit. But the idea of confronting it—of facing whatever was brewing between you—felt overwhelming. You didn’t know if you were ready to open yourself up to someone like Viktor.

You don’t even know what he wants from you, you reminded yourself. And you definitely don’t know what you want from him.

But somehow, the more you thought about it, the more you realised you did know. You wanted something real. You wanted more than whatever it was that passed between you—the teasing, the tension, the moments of quiet connection that always seemed to slip away too fast.

But Viktor? He wasn’t the kind of guy who did anything real, was he?

You shook your head, trying to clear the mess of thoughts swirling around. You needed to get a grip. You couldn’t afford to get lost in whatever this was. Not now.

But as you reached for the next page of notes, you found yourself wondering, with a small, reluctant smile, what it would be like to get lost in Viktor after all.

You closed your books with a sharp snap, taking a deep breath as you stood from the library table. Your mind was a tangled mess of notes, formulas, and Viktor’s handwriting, and you needed a moment to clear your head.

Just as you were about to step out into the corridor, a flash of movement caught your eye. Viktor and Jayce were leaving the building, walking side by side, their heads tilted together in what seemed like an animated conversation.

You froze.

Your heart skipped a beat, but it wasn’t excitement—or perhaps it was, the kind of excitement immediately tempered by fear. Viktor’s familiar figure cut through the dim evening light, and for a split second, all you could do was stand there, rooted to the spot.

But then, before you could even process it fully, you spun on your heel and ducked back inside the room, retreating into the shadows of the library. You didn’t want to see them. You didn’t want to deal with that knot in your stomach, the one that seemed to tighten every time Viktor came too close. You needed to focus. You had work to do in the lab, notes to catch up on, and you couldn’t afford to get tangled up in whatever... this was.

***

Viktor felt the effects of the alcohol settling in his veins as he stepped outside the pub with Jayce, the cool night air cutting through the haze of tipsiness creeping in. He’d been enjoying the conversation, savouring the camaraderie and the easy flow of ideas. Jayce’s energy had a way of drawing him out, pushing his thoughts into unexpected places, and Viktor appreciated the stimulating nature of their late-night discussions.

“So, you think we’re really on track to finish our little side thing by the end of the next semester?” Jayce asked, slinging an arm over Viktor’s shoulder in a way that was both familiar and mildly irritating.

Viktor grinned, brushing away the alcohol-induced warmth clouding his thoughts. “I’m absolutely certain. We’ve already made significant progress, and the pace we’re setting is impressive.” He paused, squinting as the streetlights flickered overhead. “But I have to admit, I’m too drunk to keep up this stimulating conversation. I think it’s time I bow out gracefully.”

Jayce chuckled, nudging him playfully. “Don’t worry, man. You’ve earned a break. You can retire for the night, and Mel and I will take it from here. You’re not sticking around for the after-party?”

Viktor glanced at Jayce, catching the way his friend’s face lit up at the mention of Mel. A teasing smirk tugged at Viktor’s lips. “You two are practically attached at the hip tonight. If I stayed, I’d just be interrupting something. Besides, it’s been a long day—I’ll call it a night.”

Jayce laughed, shaking his head. “Fair enough. Go sneak off to your secret lair, then.”

“Whatever you say, Jayce,” Viktor replied, his tone light but with a faint edge that didn’t quite match the usual banter. As much as he enjoyed Jayce’s company, there were moments when retreating felt like a necessity—tonight was one of those moments.

He stepped back, nodding to his friend. “Enjoy your evening. I’ll be heading back to my room.”

Jayce raised an eyebrow, a grin spreading across his face. “No mysterious rendezvous tonight?”

Viktor hesitated, the question lingering in the air. For a moment, he considered coming clean—acknowledging what had been weighing on him. But instead, he gave a nonchalant shrug, masking the flicker of unease.

“I think I’ve had enough socializing for one night,” he replied, his voice calm but carrying an undertone of ambiguity.

With that, he turned and began walking away, leaving Jayce and Mel behind. The cool air felt sharper now, and Viktor found himself taking a longer route back, weaving through the quieter parts of the campus. On a whim—or perhaps out of habit—he let his feet carry him toward the science lab.

As he passed through the corridor, his eyes caught a glimpse of movement. You were there, slinging a bag over your shoulder, the edges stuffed with notes spilling out. You looked like you were wrapping up your study session for the evening.

“And what is a pretty girl such as yourself doing here all alone at this hour?” Viktor’s attempt at charm came out more slurred than he had intended, but he smiled to himself when he saw your startled expression.

“Jesus, you almost gave me a heart attack!” you whisper-shouted at him, clutching your fist to your chest. “I was studying. What the hell are you doing here?”

Before you could measure your reaction, your feet carried you closer to Viktor of their own accord. He smelled of whiskey and cigarettes. “Ah. Celebrating?”

But Viktor didn’t respond. He simply looked at you, his eyes molten yet sharp, as if he were still trying to calculate something. You were about to ask him again but didn’t get the chance, as his lips landed on yours. You could taste the alcohol and cigarettes on his tongue, his skin cold from the night air—a stark contrast to the burning heat of his mouth.

Despite his coordination being compromised, he grabbed the bag slipping off your shoulder and swung it over his, then walked you both toward the lab you had just left, never breaking the kiss.

Once inside, he dropped the bag and his cane on the floor, cupped your face, and pushed his mouth deeper into yours. You pulled his shirt free from his pants and instinctively slid your hands underneath it, to splay them flat against his stomach. He flinched at the sudden warmth of your touch, a groan escaping him as a sharp pang of lust twisted low in his belly.

“Careful there,” he breathed against your lips, his voice rough. He could feel the blood travelling down his body, as his pants became tighter.

“Or what?” you teased, your tone playful as you tilted your head back against the door, granting him full access.

A shiver coursed through you as Viktor’s hand gripped your ribcage, his touch sparking a memory of your other night together. But this time, it wasn’t gentle or cautious—this time, his touch was filled with raw want and need, clumsy from the drinks he had poured into himself in wistful celebration.

“Or this,” he smirked, and the next thing you could feel were teeth clenching on the tendon of your neck, a bite painful enough to make you squirm and send a current of pleasure all the way down to your toes.

“Fuck you,” you breathed, tugging his head back by his hair. He met your gaze with a playful glint in his eye, his words slurring slightly as he threw the challenge back at you. “Fuck me.”

Your breath caught in your throat, and you didn’t reply. Your thoughts tore through you, scrambling to decide if it would be a wise choice. As if reading your mind, Viktor leaned back into you, his forehead resting against yours. He nipped at your lower lip, his voice a low whisper against your mouth. “I know you want to.”

“You’re drunk,” you said weakly, as if trying to convince yourself. Viktor didn’t listen. He drew breath after breath from you, his hands roaming your body with a dull pressure, leaving a burning sensation everywhere they touched.

“Did you touch yourself thinking about me when I came over?” he rasped into your ear, making you stiffen. “I do,” he added with a smug smile you could feel blooming against your lips. Your gasp was swallowed into another greedy kiss. When the kiss broke, it was only so Viktor could continue murmuring his sweet nothings.

“Whenever I touch myself, I think of you.” It was barely a whisper, but it rang in your head like a bell.

“I think of your bare thighs under my hands that night,” his voice sultry, as he gripped your thighs and slid his hands upward toward your ass. “I think of your sweet moans,” he murmured, capturing your lips in another kiss. “I imagine it’s your sweet mouth around my cock, when I come into my hand, thinking of you.”

You only gasped again, the obscenity of his words making your core clenching on nothing. Viktor walked you toward the nearest workbench, beckoning you to sit on top, as he pressed his hands on your thighs, rubbing them up and down.

He then undid his belt clumsily, his trousers sliding down under the weight of all the items he had stuffed in his pockets, to reveal his cock, still straining against confines of his underwear, sogged embarrassingly in precum and sweat. You gaped at him, completely transfixed with the raw want he had for you.

His hands shot back to your neck to pull you in for a colliding kiss, his tongue invading your mouth, your teeth clacking against each other, as he rubbed himself against your thigh, the wetness of his boxers soaking into your pants. “Please, touch me,” he pleaded pathetically, as if mocking your uncertainty.

It had struck you, how Viktor being such a hot mess somehow still remained the one in control. Your hand travelled to grab his cock through the material of his underwear and give it a painfully slow stroke. Viktor’s body almost bent in half pulling you down with him, as he gave you the most vulgar sounding whimper you had heard in your life, “Yes, fuck.”

Holding your neck with one hand, he snaked the other under the waistband of your pants only to gasp in awe. “Oh, do you enjoy having me all hot and bothered over you? It seems like you do.” You were so wet he had to spread your slick with a flat palm all over your inner thighs and pubic bone to be able to work his fingers with precision. And despite his current state, the dedication to the task was admirable.

You moaned into his mouth as his fingers worked you, your grip on his cock tightening and Viktor just wouldn’t shut up. “Do you like how much I want you?” he breathed against your neck, his length twitching under your fingers. You clasped your hand to your mouth, suddenly very aware that you were in a public space and if the two of you could be here, anyone could walk past and hear whatever was happening on the other side of the door.

It had earned you a scold, when Viktor pulled your palm away from your lips and kissed you greedily, whispering in to your mouth, “Don’t you dare.” He retreated his other hand from between your legs and you whined at the loss of his touch.

“Oh, no need to be sad,” he cooed mockingly, as he grabbed your bum to pull you closer and rub his aching cock against your core. You shuddered, but obliged, wrapping your legs around his waist and your arms around his shoulders.

“Hmm,” Viktor muttered, pressing his face into yours like a huge cat. “Please, fuck me now, I can’t bear it.” Another mockery of affection surged through you, dressed in his lustful voice, framed by his glassy eyes, his eyelashes tickling your cheek. His hands, so grabby, so needy, groped you, kneaded your flesh, his desire on full display, burning with alcohol travelling through his blood stream.

Stripped of his defences, Viktor was ready to whisper any filth into your ears, only to have what he wanted. And yet, even though the touch of his hands burned through your clothes, even though the emptiness between your legs was painful and his hair smelled so nice, you managed to gather all your strength and say, "As much as I’m enjoying this... ah!" You gasped as he bit your neck again. "I think... you're too drunk, Viktor." The last attempt at evening out the ground was met with a chuckle.

"Ah, that's alright," he said sweetly, pushing his thumb into your mouth. "I'm better in a casual setting anyway."

You stiffened, your body going rigid at his words. What? You pulled back slightly, confusion and irritation flooding your chest. You glanced at him, your brow furrowing as you met his dazed eyes. Viktor, still too drunk to realize the weight of his words, tried to cling back to you, his hands seeking your body once more.

He murmured your name, his voice thick with alcohol. But you pushed him away, your breath catching as the reality of the situation hit you.

“No,” you snapped, your anger flaring. “What the hell does that mean? Casual? When did I give you the impression that I wanted something casual with you, Viktor?” Your voice was low but edged with fury, a tremor of disbelief beneath the surface.

Viktor froze, his expression faltering, confusion clouding his mind as he tried to piece together what you were saying. "I—" He cleared his throat, trying to find his words, but they felt like they were slipping away from him. "You’ve been avoiding me," he muttered, trying to hold onto something that made sense, pulling his trousers up in embarrassment.

“Because you are all over the fucking place!” you shot back, your voice trembling with frustration. “You keep dropping these half-confessions, these hints that don’t mean anything, and it’s like I’m supposed to just figure out what the hell you want. It’s not… fair, Viktor.”

Viktor’s chest tightened, panic creeping in as he watched you, unsure how to fix the mess he’d created. His breath came shallow, his hands trembling. “Listen, that’s not—” He swallowed hard, trying to grasp his thoughts, but they were all tangled. “I didn’t mean to... I’m not—”

You shook your head, your lips curling in disgust. “You’re not what? Honest? Open?” You let out a bitter laugh, shaking your head again. “You’ve been playing me, Viktor. All these little games, these words, and I don’t even know what’s the prize, what is it that thing you are trying to win.” Your voice cracked on the last sentence, the anger giving way to hurt.

Viktor’s heart pounded in his chest as his panic heightened. “I—hey, I didn’t want to hurt you. I... I’ve been trying, I just... I can’t—” His words were a mess, his mind too foggy to communicate what he truly felt.

Sliding off the workbench, your face hardened with determination. “Get a grip, Viktor. Drunken slut doesn’t become you.” The words hit him like a slap, sharp and final, and you didn’t even wait for his response. Grabbing your bag, you slung it over your shoulder before turning on your heel and heading toward the door.

Viktor watched you, rooted to the spot, his chest aching with the weight of everything he’d failed to say. He opened his mouth to speak, but the words were stuck, lost somewhere deep in his throat. By the time he found the strength to call your name, you were already gone.

***

“Please get dressed,” Sue’s voice came muffled through all the blankets you were shielding yourself with. The party was the last thing you needed right now.

“No.”

“Please get dressed!” Sue tugged on the blankets but to no avail. She sighed heavily, as if bracing herself for something, then said, “You made me do this. I had to call for backup.”

“Darling,” you heard Hale’s voice and felt a hand being placed firmly on your back, which was wrapped in, give or take, four layers of blankets and clothing. “It’s for your own good.”

You groaned into the pile of blankets, curling tighter into yourself. “Please, go away.”

Sue wasn’t having it. She pulled at the blankets again, her voice an annoying mix of determination and playfulness. “Nope. You’re going. It’s a Halloween party, and you’re dressing up. I won’t take no for an answer.”

You muffled a sigh. “It’s a month after Halloween. What’s the point now?”

“You’re right, but Mel decided we couldn’t let the season go to waste. We’re fixing this mistake,” Sue said, her voice light with excitement. “And if you won’t go, I’m calling more backup.”

That was when Hale’s voice chimed in, smooth and amused. “Darling, you’ll thank me for this later.” You felt Hale’s firm hand press against your back, pushing through the layers of blankets. “It’s for your own good.”

Your tired groan was muffled by the blankets. “I don’t need any good, I need sleep.”

Sue leaned in, her tone softening a little. “You can’t just hide away. You deserve better than this. He’s a jerk, and you know it.”

You hesitated, but Hale’s voice broke through your thoughts. “It’s not about him anymore. It’s about you. Show him how insignificant he is. The show must go on.”

You frowned, burying your face in the soft warmth of the blankets. “I don’t want to, I just…” You trailed off, feeling the weight of everything that had happened. You hadn’t told them yet what had actually happened between you and Viktor—you couldn’t bring yourself to. It was too much. You didn’t want to hear what Hale would say if he knew.

Hale’s expression softened slightly as he sat beside you, his voice more serious now. “Do you remember what I told you? You are a king, and you don’t bow to anyone. Not to him, not to anyone.”

You remained still for a long moment, feeling the soft weight of Hale’s words settle on you. Slowly, you rolled over, sighing dramatically. “Fine. But I can leave at any time I want to.”

Hale grinned, leaning back against the couch, arms crossed. “Oh, I’ll make sure you won’t want to leave.”

Sue and Hale took the opportunity to help you get dressed, turning it into a mini celebration of the ridiculousness that was their last-minute Halloween plans. You had the red fluffy tulle dress from the theatre department that Hale had snatched for you, one that made you look like you’d stepped straight out of a dream. You were going as Beetlejuice and Lydia Deetz on their wedding night, a perfect match of eerie elegance and chaotic energy. Sue found it hilarious to go as a Sandworm.

As they worked on your makeup and hair, you finally took a deep breath, ready to push aside the weight of the past few days. You weren’t doing this for Viktor, but for yourself. The night was yours to own.

You gave each other a once-over: Sue looked ridiculous in her striped onesie with a foam sandworm hat on her head, but she clearly loved it. Hale was a completely pimped-up and glamoured version of Beetlejuice. And you? You looked like a beautiful, cursed ballerina. Perfect. After taking one last selfie together, the three of you marched toward the theatre halls.

It was the most impromptu party you’d ever seen, but somehow Mel made it work. The catchphrase was We’ve got a Halloween party at home, which played perfectly with the mix of decorations from all seasons: sheet ghosts wearing flower crowns, bats cut out from pink glittery plastic sheets, and, instead of cobwebs, toilet paper scattered across the ceiling of the very same room where Viktor had kissed you for the first time. Trash Halloween.

Mel caught you immediately and pulled you into a tight hug, whispering in your ear, “I don’t know what this jerk has done, but I stand with you.” Her hug tightened even further as she added, “I’m so, so happy you’ve made it. I haven’t seen you in ages, and you look… fucking amazing.”

“Thanks, Mel,” you laughed despite yourself. “You’re not so bad yourself.” You waggled your eyebrows at her. She was dressed as Mia Wallace, which could only mean Jayce...

"You can tell a lot about a man by the way he carries himself. Style isn’t just about clothes; it’s an attitude,” Jayce tried so hard to make a Vincent Vega impression, he ended up laughing at himself. He hugged you and boomed, “I love your costumes, guys! But… who are you dressed as, sweet Sue?”

“I’m a Sandworm!” Sue squeaked, giving them a little twirl, which made the entire group laugh. Hale hooked his shoulder over yours as he marched you toward the bar, bridal style. You had to flatten your skirts and bend forward to be able to reach the bartender when a familiar voice startled you.

“You’ve been ignoring my texts,” Viktor said, turning toward you in his seat. He was wearing a vintage tweed suit and a pair of thick square glasses.

“Are you… dressed as an old man?” you chuckled reluctantly. “And you know, I thought texting doesn’t exactly align with your whole… casual thing.”

“I’m not just any old man. I am Carl Fredricksen.” Seeing that you didn’t catch the bait, he went straight to the point. “Can we talk?”

“You’re not very good at talking, and I’m here to have a good time,” you said, paying for your drink and getting ready to march off. You were dying to talk to him, to yell at him, slap him, and be all sorts of dramatic about it, but Hale had put so much care into doing your makeup that you didn’t want to ruin it within the first ten minutes of your arrival.

You were about to walk away with grace, but you couldn’t help yourself. “I know damn well you are a sweet old man from Up, and let me tell you, you should be dressed as something far more vile.” Despite the venomous message, your voice was soft, and Viktor smiled weakly.

The music was a mix of musicals, classic pop hits, and songs from films, so the royal couple, Mia Wallace and Vincent Vega, could have their iconic dance. Mel had definitely planned to boost your ego, weaving songs from Hamilton into the playlist so you and Hale could have a repeat of your five minutes of fame.

You got so stupidly drunk, you wouldn’t leave the dance floor, and Hale kept bringing you refills of cocktails you would inevitably spill anyway. He wouldn’t leave your side for a moment that evening and danced with you through every tear and sorrow that showed on your face when you glanced over at the bar toward Viktor. You reached your peak when someone put on a slow song for a change. Casual.

You gave one of your exaggerated performances, the crowd dispersing around you to make more space for the show. You were singing your lungs out, obscene lyrics falling from your lips, all dedicated to the bane of your existence. When the song finished, the only thing you could do was laugh. You laughed at yourself and at the stupidity of the situation—there you were, in the arms of your best friend, serenading the man sitting at the bar in the costume of a romantic old man from an animated film.

Jayce slumped drunkenly next to Viktor, elbowing him as both of their gazes followed you on the dance floor. “What’s going on there?” he asked, his gelled hair falling into his eyes.

“I… have royally fucked up.”

“Are you... telling me you can’t get the girl you want?” Jayce slurred, giving Viktor a sideways glance. He was clearly tipsy but still managing to follow the conversation, sort of.

“Nope. She’s been using her scary dog privilege the entire evening.” Viktor’s voice dropped into a mock whine, looking dramatically toward you and Hale.

“Wait… are you telling me you want the girl?” Jayce squinted, pretending to be deep in thought. “You? Viktor? Want her?” He pointed vaguely in your direction.

“Fuck yes, I want the girl. Look at her,” Viktor gestured wildly, his finger almost hitting a random passerby. “She’s everything.” His eyes were glued to you as you spun across the dance floor. “And the way she laughs... it’s like, it makes me—” Viktor suddenly slapped a hand to his chest, his face contorting. “I can’t even explain it. I am fucked, Jayce.”

Jayce raised an eyebrow, still processing Viktor’s emotional spill. “Shit, man. Do you need anything?”

“Not from you, I don’t,” Viktor laughed bitterly, his slouch deepening as he leaned back in his chair. “It’s fine. I prefer her sober anyway.” He waved a hand dismissively. “You know, it’s just that... when she’s sober, I feel like she might actually like me back. Not... whatever this is.” He gestured to the mess of alcohol in his hand.

“Wait, hold on.” Jayce leaned closer, trying to follow Viktor’s emotional rollercoaster. “You actually want her to like you? Like, for real?”

Viktor sighed, looking like he’d just realised he might be the one on the wrong side of drunk. “Yeah, Jayce. Do you think I was just playing some game? No. This… this was real. But I’ve made such an ass of myself, there’s no way she’d ever—” He stopped himself, as if hearing his own words was sobering him up slightly. “Shit. I am fucked.”

Jayce, now trying not to laugh, leaned back and patted Viktor on the shoulder. “Well, if you ever needed to not fuck something up... now would have been a good time.”

“I know!” Viktor groaned, his hands going up in the air. “But I’ll figure it out. I always do. I just... needed her to see that I wasn’t as bad as I made myself out to be. That I—” Viktor paused, his face lighting up. “I was actually a catch, Jayce.”

Jayce burst into laughter, then immediately sobered up as Viktor gave him a serious look. “What?” he asked between chuckles. “That’s like... the worst plan I’ve heard of.”

Viktor stared at him blankly for a second. “Okay, yeah. Maybe not the best pitch. But she’d get it. Eventually. I just needed to stop being a fuck-up for... like, five minutes.”

“Man, you got a real gift for pushing people away and then wondering why they stayed gone,” Jayce said, grinning widely. He took a swig of his drink.

Viktor glared at him, trying to muster some dignity, but he couldn’t help laughing at his own ridiculousness. “Hey, I was just saying, I could be that guy. For her? I could be... I could be that guy who actually didn’t screw everything up.”

Jayce patted him on the back with exaggerated force, nearly knocking him over. “I am gonna need a drink to survive this,” he muttered, eyes still on you as you twirled again. “So, what was the plan? Were you gonna talk to her after this?”

“If she didn’t kill me, yeah.” Viktor grinned sheepishly.

“Okay, dude, slow down. One step at a time.” Jayce laughed. Viktor laughed as well, and they began a long debate on how he had fucked up, which ended with them telling themselves that they loved each other and a series of exaggerated hugs.

Before Viktor could get to his grand plan, Hale had already carried you over his shoulder safely to your bed, your heels dangling from your hands as you giggled all the way through campus. He put your phone away on your desk so you wouldn’t see Viktor’s new text message.

“I like you.”

[cashmerekittennnn]

my academic refresh pt 2. ૮꒰ ˶• ༝ •˶꒱ა

hi kittys, recently, i just started my second term of school (at a new school), and to prepare for it i made my weekday routines and my academic plan. this is the second part of my academic refresh routine, the first part of my refresh is about morning, school and night routines, just so i ensure i keep on top of all my work and hobbies. this post will be about how i study for my subjects and my routines for them. i make sure to always do an academic refresh after each holiday so that i can ensure myself that i am able to come back to school with a refreshed, calm mind and am ready to achieve my goals. enjoy 🎀

literature

for literature, my focus is always on the themes, characters and the historical context. i always make sure to annotate as i read, underline important quotes, and analyse the messages behind the text. when studying, i practice how to write analytical paragraphs and essays to help me organize my thoughts clearly and carefully and to help improve my writing.

chemistry

when studying chemistry, i like to review the material in a broad perspective to get a general idea of what im learning or at preparing to learn. once im fully able to understand the concept, i summarize it in my own words while highlighting the key words and concepts that seem most important. for additional help, i use youtube - which is such a life saver btw - to understand visually. also making flashcards helps so so much with memorization and quick little reviews!

biology

i always make sure to make my biology notes as detailed and organized as possible. i like to keep things visual as well, i draw labelled diagrams, tables, and mind maps too. also add color, theres no reason studying cant be boring!

mathematics

in maths, ive personally learned that rushing into practice questions without fully understanding the concept just leads to disappointment and frustration. soo, i always take time to fully understand what im learning first - usually by watching videos, using textbooks, and going through the examples over and over again. i make sure to make a reminder for formulas along the way too.

modern history

modern history is my favorite subject, i like to start by organizing all the events into a timeline, it gives me a clear picture of how things unfolded and helps me remember dates so much easier. ill summarize events, key ideas, dates and people using flashcards. i also love to write practice exams under exam conditions.

legal studies

legal studies is all about organization. i have a color coding system for all my notes, once color for case studies, another for key terms another for legal principles, and so on. i always write out the definition of important terms so i can revisit them regularly. i also go through as many case studies as i can - understanding the facts and rulings.

overall, its taken me so long to figure out what works best for me to achieve the grades i want. but one key think that is such a big help is figuring out what kind of learner you are, personally im a reading and writing learner. but remember, dont study harder, just smarter

xxx, belle

[centrally-unplanned]

This was a good article on the cultural trope of the "menhera", mentally-ill girls with a focus on self-harm that is its own aesthetic and trope. It has relatively little "academic culture studies bullshit" you have to wade through to get to the actually good information, fresh air for me!

The history of the term it outlines is a datapoint for pattern confirmation of how so much internet culture evolved from the 2000's to the modern era. Early 2000's 2ch pioneered the term self-referentially, a tag for their own identity as depressed, largely-male otaku & neets. Discussions of self-harm came up in those threads, but menhera was never used in them; it was a more general term. Then, starting in the mid-2000's, 2chan had a growing population of highly social-political, vaguely-right-coded posters, in newly founded boards like nyusoku, who started using the word for outsiders; both other online-types but also young girls as part of gender discourse. Here is was primarily pejorative; attention seeking BDP-cursed losers.

But like so many things these communities were never isolated, nor were they monocultures; plenty of women and others with different views hung out on them, discoursed about it, and so on - and the terms captured real things in the culture, so the first mover lock-in was a go. And then in the 2010's, the internet massively changed with the rise of smartphones. In Japan "everyone" was already online a little bit earlier, but still the growing ease of uploading diverse content allowed ideas that were previously inaccessible in text-heavy forums broke out via comics, photos, videos, etc - with the people best positioned to take advantage of that being those who had been around the web for a while, and knew all this weird 2ch stuff. A raft of mainly female artists started drawing autobiographical-ish comics explicitly labelling themselves as menhera; all the same so-called negative behaviors, but made cute, funny, and self-aware.

That early media proceeds to be humorous and mocking, but still "authentic" to the artists, who are depressives themselves. But after that initial earnest era, the symbols get tropified - now you can just cosplay Needy Streamer Overload and it is just a look, a costume you take on and off as you see fit. As the article is obligated to do when it quotes Hiroki Azuma, it is now part of the "database" of internet culture.

You can sub a lot of culture objects in Japan & America both into that same timeline - a mixed of social & technological forces pushing niche internet ideas into the mainstream where they are sanitized. Though here Japan's depolitical culture made this transition easier - I don't think wearing "self-harm bracelets" to give you that ~slit-wrist aesthetic~ plays quite as well in the West because of expectations that sensitive topics be treated with more seriousness. But you can learn as much from the divergence as you can from the consensus, so that just adds to the parallel for me.

[son-of-avraham]

I have been considering conversion for a while now, but haven’t felt that I’ve had the proper time to commit. One thing that I think is making me wary of beginning is the fact that I worry I will struggle a lot with learning Hebrew (language learning is not my strong suit). Do you feel like being expected to know Hebrew is something that has come up during your conversion process, or is it generally understood that if you’re making an effort, that’s what counts?

So, I want to preface this by saying that it often depends on which shul you attend - it's very common for orthodox shuls to operate in a lot of hebrew, while other movements may incorporate the local vernacular. I can only speak about the conservative movement, so I want to just remind everyone so we all are on the same page.

It's been my experience that I'm not really expected to know hebrew very well, but my community has definitely had a hand in teach me. Our siddurs are transliterated, and it's common in the Diaspora to have siddurs with both hebrew and the vernacular. It might take some getting used to, but you by no means need to be fluent in hebrew to attend services.

Now, I haven't gotten up to read the torah yet for obvious reasons, but even then, it's accepted in my shul to chant in hebrew or read the translation. I think there's an implicit understanding in the Diaspora that people's hebrew comprehension will be different and so people are often not surprised if you don't know hebrew. If anything, they'll really just want to help you (in my experience).

I've found it useful to learn some of the blessings, such as hamotzi (the blessing for bread) and borei pri ha'gafen (the blessing for grape products like juice or wine), but I think people will understand if you don't know the blessings yet. The convenient this is that all blessings will have the same format for the first half, so memorizing them is a bit easier.

My community has heavily encouraged me to learn hebrew, and like I've said, have been very helpful. If you're starting from scratch, it might be a very difficult learning curve, and I think a lot of jews in the Diaspora empathize with that struggle. Essentially: you can technically survive with a little bit of hebrew, but a community is likely to be very willing to help. You don't need to speak hebrew to be a jew (g-d knows how many jews in the Diaspora never got to have the chance to even begin to learn hebrew), but it does help because traditionally, all of this would have been in hebrew.

I think, also, you'll just naturally start to pick up on hebrew whenever you start going to services in a shul that operates in hebrew to any capacity. When I started going to shul, I knew nothing. Now, I don't even need my siddur on me unless they throw a curve ball at us and go, "you know, I feel like singing this more obscure thing this week". You can absolutely amaze yourself with how much you can understand as you practice more and more. Sometimes studying isn't about dedicated, academic focus but about immersion and living in the moment

[daenysx]

i don't even know if this is good, i've written it so quickly all thanks to a little mental crisis about my academic stuff. basically, you tell aemond you love him for the first time and he goes insane. enjoy!!

send me your requests for drabbles

aemond loves taking care of you.

he loves making you coffee the way you like, carrying your books when you have too many of them with you, helping with every simple chore in your apartment even when you say he doesn't have to do them. he likes the feeling when you look at him with big, grateful eyes, and smile like he's someone precious.

"calm down, you have nothing to worry about."

well, it's easier said than done. exams are often nervous occasions for you, academic validation has always been important, you just crave the best.

"i know, it's just- it's really important, aemond."

he nods. "it's important but you studied hard for this. i know you'll do perfect."

you smile, his words make your early morning better. he makes breakfast for you and insists on you to eat. he subtly tries to calm your nerves down, never says anything directly but still manages to make you feel more confident with yourself.

he puts your favorite coffee mug next to your plate on the table, the lovely smell of coffee reaches your nose and you smile with satisfaction.

you wrap your fingers around the mug and take a sip. "it's perfect, i love you."

aemond looks frozen for a moment as if he tries to process what you just said. you've never confessed your love for him verbally even though the words feel too natural coming out of your lips. he doesn't expect it, he knows it's a hard thing to say at the beginning stage of a new relationship.

he feels the words make a place in his heart, too warm and too perfect. he can't stop himself, he smiles and leans in to give you a kiss on your forehead. he watches you as you eat in silence and drink your coffee, you aren't even aware of the effect of what you just said. he doesn't know if you expect him to say the words back, you don't seem like you focus on him right now anyway, too busy to read your notes.

"i can take you to school if you want, sweetheart." he says, tries to keep it cool like it's possible.

you look at him. "it would be perfect but you should go to office, i don't want you to be late because of me."

he shakes his head. "it's fine, daeron will be there today. he can take care of things for a while."

you smile. his heart flutters. "okay then. thank you."

he smiles back. "come on, you finish your coffee, i'll get dressed."

you nod happily, keep eating and taking sips from your mug. he leaves the kitchen with silent steps. he goes to the bathroom first, desperately in need of some cold water.

you love him? you love him. he loves you, he knew it all the time. he gives himself a little time to feel the emotions deeply, his cheeks blush and he smiles. it's weird, he thinks. he is looking at the mirror and the man there is smiling. it has been a long time since he'd smiled like this.

you have made him smile all the time. being with you, holding you, kissing you, everything with you are special to him; all the sweet actions that makes him happy with himself.

hearing those three words from you? it's just something else.

feeling cold water on his face definitely helps, he leaves the bathroom to dress quickly. he sees you waiting for him by the door as he tries to fix his tie.

you come closer. "here, let me."

you fix his tie with skilled fingers, press a quick kiss on his lips when you're done.

"i'm ready, we can leave." you say, showing him your book bag and notes.

he nods, takes the bag from you. he holds your hand during the short walk to his car and opens the door for you when you reach the car.

the morning traffic is somehow bearable with you playing your favorite songs in the car, reading your notes to aemond as he quizzes you, and making a little fun of other people's driving.

the car stops and your boyfriend turns to your side. you take a deep breath, still trying to calm yourself for the exam.

"it will be perfect. you know everything you need, you had enough practice. all you have to do now is staying calm, baby."

you nod. "thank you, aemond, for everything. you're so good to me."

"my girl deserves the best of everything, hmm? i love you."

and there it is. he says it with the softest voice as if he's afraid the words will break. you smile, kiss him goodbye. "i love you, too."

he kisses you again, longer this time. "go, ace the test."

you leave the car and he watches you until you disappear from his sight. the ride to his office has never been better, he just keeps smiling without having a clue of how to stop.

daeron wonders what makes him smile all day. he doesn't say anything, just keeps the little curve on his lips, thinking of your sweet voice when you say you love him. he's sure he has a new addiction of hearing you say that.

[ajokeformur-ray]

Hey girl! Hope you’re doing well! Hope to chat with you soon 😃 I’m just wondering, if you’re willing to give some advice on how to get back into studying and all that. Cuz your girl is struggling with studying at the moment lol(Only if you want too, you can tell me no if it’s too much) Thanks in advance! Hope you’re having a great day/night! Sending you lots of hugs 💜💜💜

Hey love!

I'm doing as well as I can in the circumstances, how are you doing?

I'm probably not the best person to ask for studying advice because it's 10.40pm and I'm planning to stay up late working on my assignment due tomorrow, but I'll do my best! Honestly, when it comes to studying, you gotta do what you gotta do, especially when you're balancing your studies with a house, a job, mental health etc...

Here's what I can think of, from the top of my head...

Make your study space as 'you' as possible - my desk is full of little trinkets which people have gifted to me over the years, it's got a little calendar on it, it's got all my studying essentials on it, the coasters I use have sarcastic quotes on them... make your study space as defined as you can with what you have, and keep it as your study space. Make it fun, fill it with things which bring you joy. Or don't - some people like clutter, some don't. The point is, make your study space yours. It's hard to study, you deserve/need to be comfortable while you're doing it.

Create a little routine which always starts your studying - for me, I always study with a litre of iced coffee to start, I always watch a study vlog to make me feel less alone in the process, I always make sure my hair is in a state I'm happy with, and I make sure I have something to snack on while I work. With all those little things in place, it's easier to sit and study because once the routine is complete and I found something I can watch while I study [which is usually some kind of horror film], I can focus.

Make a five minute rule. Or if that's too much, a one sentence rule. Starting is always the hardest part but once you have momentum, it's usually pretty easy to keep going. So study for five minutes or write one sentence of notes. Just do something because once you start, it'll be easier to carry on.

Reward yourself little and often. You wrote a whole paragraph? That's amazing!!! Give yourself something delicious, your favourite sweet treat if you have one, take a small break to listen to your favourite song, just something as a little boost for your productivity.

Take breaks when you need them. [I don't take breaks because if I do, I'll lose my Focus Zone, even if it's only for five minutes. I gotta keep going or I'll stop and won't be able to carry on studying for the rest of the day, which is why I can do twelve-fifteen hour study stints. If I don't do it like that then I can't do it at all. But I know this isn't healthy or ideal, so I'm being a hypocrite and recommending that you take breaks.😂]

Keep your promises to yourself so you build a good trusting rapport with yourself, which will make it easier to be consistent with studying in the long run because you'll trust you can do it, and you will. So if you say you'll study for twenty minutes and then go grab another coffee? You gotta do it!

If you can, keep in contact with other students to help you feel less alone in studying or ask your professors for help when you need it, even if you think it's something small and silly. My grandad always used to say that the only stupid questions were the ones you didn't ask, and the older I get, the more I realise that he was right! If you're asking for help when you need it, it's too late! Ask before you need it, and be honest if you're struggling. Most people are really understanding and will help you if you ask.

Don't be afraid to watch YouTube videos or go outside of the syllabus to help you understand complex topics, just use critical thinking to make sure it's a reputable academic source and isn't going to be full of misinformation. There are lots of teacher channels who explain things as they would in a classroom, and it's helped me many a time when my textbooks just won't let concepts stick in my brain.

Consistency is key! If you can only do five minutes a day, that's okay! Just be consistent - small and steady wins the race, and it's not how fast you get it done! It's quality, not quantity.

I hope something here helps - if you want something more specific, please let me know and I'd be happy to chat about it with you! I hope you're having a good day/night too, and I'm sending you cuddles!!!🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂❤️

[goblinsstolemybrain]

oh, that's why...

So, I was in two minds about sharing this. But I do like to overshare, so this is kinda on brand (although I usually do it in person, so internet oversharing is fun and exciting new territory). I decided to post it in case anyone finds it useful.

I'm 40 (how did that happen??) and I've struggled with being a person for as long as I can remember. Last week, I was diagnosed with ADHD and anxiety.

Finally, almost everything makes sense.

I'd been on the fence about going for an assessment for years. This was mostly because a) I didn't want to waste anyone's time (WTF?), and b) I figured I'd lived this long without knowing, I may as well continue (also, WTF?).

In the end, impulsivity won out (hello, ADHD!), and one day I just signed up to do an assessment privately rather than waiting for years through the NHS (this was another reason why I didn't want to go down that route - waiting is not my thing). When the assessment was done, I joked that my ADHD wanted me to know that I had ADHD.

If you're in the same boat as I was, I wanted to share what a difference a diagnosis has made. And this is even before starting any medication or therapy.

I feel validated.

There are so many things where I've had a lightbulb moment and announced "oh, that's why!". My struggles with time, getting organised, impulsivity, humming, stimming, sensitivities to light and sound, difficulties with verbal instructions, sleep issues, inability to focus, ability to hyperfocus, etc, all make perfect sense now.

I can also start looking into treatment and coping mechanisms to try to make my life a little easier when needed.

I feel in control. (for perhaps the first time ever)

I feel like I have permission to be kind to myself when I am struggling with things many people find easy.

But, on the flipside, I also feel sad.

If I'd been diagnosed sooner, would my life have been different? Would my academic journey have been different if there was support in place? Would I have left high school at 16 because of burn out, or would someone have supported me to do A-Levels? (I ended up doing a BTEC in Graphic Design at a college, so it wasn't all bad!). Would I have gone to university at a younger age, rather than waiting until I was 30?

These are all questions that I will never know the answer to. Maybe my life wouldn't have been different at all. Perhaps this is the path I was always supposed to take. And, to be honest, I'm doing alright (even if I do struggle).

Even so, I feel like something has been taken from me. So, I'm giving myself permission to mourn that for a little while.

So, if you're anything like me, and you're wondering whether or not to go for that assessment, please know that there are two sides of the coin. With that said, I feel like I made the right choice. I'm confident that this feeling of sadness will fade over time... and if it doesn't, I'll use it to fuel my creative projects. I don't know whether that's healthy or not.... Either way, there will be goblins!

[trauma-official]

hey would you like to publish one day i have the evidence Publishing:

For your book, there are independent presses like MindStir Media, Black Rose Writing, or Invisible Publishing, which focus on new authors and have comprehensive support. Also, platforms like Amazon KDP let you self-publish.

Getting there:

Academically, you'll probably have to go for Literature and Psychology in university. It'll be harder to back out of in future if those career paths change, so pick up a teaching degree to fall back on. Find a small publisher and wait until they have reviewed your manuscript, a mostly complete, already advised draft that the publisher needs to deem worth investing in.

Financial:

Authors live off royalties. Can't have income before you're published. Get a separate job while you write your first book, preferably while still in university, so you can pay off student loans. Do not quit that job until you are certain that you have steady income.

Staying there:

Hire editors and be in constant contact with your publishing team for promotional work, public relations, and partnerships with book stores. The more traction your book gains, the easier it'll be to screw up royally on the public relations. Always save, when profit depends on people. People are fickle things, and people will fail you.

Have fun writing.

UUHHH <3

this is not gpt btw i dont trust ai already starting on your lil writing snippets and they sound fiiiire btw

Damn... I'm from Brazil so I have no idea of those presses would care about me lol. And I am still a minor, planning on keep my income from a nice job related to brains >:3

Writing is mostly just a old hobbie of mine that helps me deal with MDD, Anxiety, Ptsd and mamy problems of everyday routine.

Maybe one day I'll be able to either publish traditionally or self-publish. But I'll be fine even if that doesn't happens because... well. There are these little weird people that find my writing lovely and that makes my heart melt with joy <3

I apreciate it tho. Made me feel like I could write anything and shut the fuck out of everyone that bullied me >:3

[cryptidfuckery]

hey i have a question since you’re in the cosmetology field: i’ve been thinking about taking a cosmetology certification course so i have a more employable trade skill (since im having difficulty finding an academically inclined job). do you think it’s a good idea? i’ve been told that it is because it’s still a semi-creative field and my undergrad degree is in art. i guess i’m just concerned because it’s like, “what if i spend the money on the supplies and classes and, at the end of it, i still cant find a job?” i also feel like, “the time will pass anyway, so i may as well.”

idk, what are your thoughts?

*rubs hands together* alright let's make a pros and cons list

PROS

- trade school takes less time and money than a degree. Often you can translate things you learned in your degree (especially art!!!) Into this trade

- you already have a leg up on so many other students simply by understanding color theory. I'm serious. You will start to understand how to formulate colors much quicker. This will make your life easier.

- you can be a little more picky about what kind of place you want to work. There are a million different types of salons that all offer something unique. You can find a mom and pop shop, or you can find corporate. You can find something in between. All have their own pros and cons.

- over time you can decide which skills you want to focus on and become a specialist. Seriously if you can learn how to platinum blonde people, you might have a wicked fun (AND LUCRATIVE) time doing vivids and alt vivids. Think rainbows and racoon stipes and cheetah print extensions and painting flowers on a buzzcut.

- this industry has the ability to be more lax with appearance. THIS DOES DEPEND ON WHERE YOU WORK. but! I find it's more and more of a trend to let stylists dress to express themselves instead of requiring a uniform. But this completely depends on your boss. I'll be real with you my clients have been dealing with me wearing sweat pants for years. The right ones will love you no matter how you look.

- even if you're still getting your skills refined, a lot of hairdressing is whether or not your clients like your personality. If you can hit the bullseye of doing their hair how they like it AND they love hanging out with you, you've just retained a client.

CONS

- overhead cost of going back to school. Check if you can access financial aid, you should be able to. But I paid around $17k for my 8 month full-time program. If you can't pay out of pocket, you'll be taking more loans home with you.

- time. Every state in the US has its own individual requirements for the hours needed to apply for a license. I'm in Massachusetts, which has one of the lowest hours needed at 1000. That translates to about 8 months full time (40hr weeks), or a year and a few months with the part time option my school had. CHECK YOUR STATE REQUIREMENT. You will only get a license valid in the state you went to school.

- you usually leave cosmetology school able to pass the state board exam. That is what the school is for. Most of the techniques and actual training ends up coming from the salons you work at. There is still a learning curve to hurdle after you get out of school. (Pro: But you'll be making money while doing it!) Some schools will give you more training, but it depends on the school (and they are usually more expensive)

- tagging onto the last one, your mentors are extremely important. Idk if this is a con its more what you need to be thinking about when looking for a place to work after school. Who your mentor is can make or break your experience at a salon.

- if you don't like working with, touching, or talking to people, this might not be the job for you. Being a hairdresser can kick your social anxiety's ass, but it's basically gonna be through forced exposure therapy. You'll be talking to people for the rest of your life.

- this is kind of both a pro and a con. On one hand, the moment you leave the salon you aren't taking any work with you. Ever. Unless you own your own place. On the other hand, you have to learn to leave your personal life problems at the door if you want to be a successful hairdresser. Yeah we cut hair, but we are also entertainers. Few people like a sad clown :( we're also therapists! Few people like a sad therapist :(

- school is....... school. You'll be in with a very, very mixed bag of people. My class even had a mother/ daughter duo attending at the same time! BUT! You will have to deal with fresh out of high school kids. This is the majority of the students. You might be able to curb this by starting before the end of the school year, but they will always be there.

And actually I got something else to say about that. The best thing you can do if you decide to do it, is to NOT treat it as school. Treat it as training for a job. You are there to learn the most you can so you can be as prepared as possible with what they're giving you. Your teachers will love you, and you'll feel like you made the most of your time with the money you are spending.

[tubbypeddle]

hihi, could i get a matchup for percy jackson? thank you!

despite my age, i’m rather short at 5’1, with tanned skin and dark hair. my hair is also cut short at just above my shoulders. i present as female, and often use makeup such as eyeliner.

my fashion preferences skew toward the goth side— black, skirts, gloves, the like. metallic accessories are a major piece in my outfits, and i enjoy giving fashion advice when my friends ask for it.

my label on my sexuality is…weird. i don’t particularly mind my partner’s gender, but i find that I only feel attraction toward people who like me first, if that makes sense. i don’t know if there’s a specific label, but i do find it odd.

now, personality…it’s all over the place, matching whoever i am with. when i’m alone and with people i don’t know, i essentially don’t speak, just watching others awkwardly before i’m invited to the conversation. a lot of people have called me ‘weird’ in the past, but i don’t mind it anymore. anything can steal my attention away, and i find myself watching the most mundane things. even an ant on the wall can distract me from my work.

work, work…ugh. i view myself as a somewhat lazy person if I’m uninterested in the task, though it may just be my ADHD. while i do take advanced classes in my schooling, anything that doesn’t immediately pique my interest is a hard no.

one of my hobbies is collecting, with cards being my main focus. pretty rocks and crystals are also enjoyed, though they’re mainly to be admired and put on a shelf. other things I’ve picked up are extremely old coins, pretty stained glass, and shells. i get extremely excited upon receiving any, to a near unreasonable extent. this maybe be a problem with my disorganization…

fears…another stupid thing. i can take collapsing in the middle of summer and walking the halls late at night, but any criticism from my parents has me shutting down and on the verge of tears. they aren’t even particularly mean, but i’m particularly sensitive to their words. my second, more mild fear are insects— spiders. i’ve been trying to use ‘exposure therapy’ on myself by getting close to them and poking the web, but it doesn’t feel like a good decision.

with how successful i can be in academics, it’s laughable how unathletic i am. i do run and get an average amount of exercise, but any heavy lifting has me struggling. those close to me in life have previously expressed concern over me being slightly underweight, but it doesn’t bother me too much. i can get up on my two feet and any pity towards me is absolute infuriating. guns seem to be more fun as a weapon, anyway.

I have a hard time expressing my affections outside of quality time and just…talking. gift-giving is also easier for me, just wrapping up a nice little crystal or other trinket to give feels nice, and easier than putting my emotions into words. in private, i can get all over a significant other— hugging, cuddling, any physical contact can help me express my feelings.

Hello!! Another PJO matchup request!!

(You’re an Athena kid, aren’t you? /lh)

I love these, they’re so cute and instill me with so much nostalgia. Mostly because i read the books rather than watched the series. (I started it, but its really hard for me to retain attention LOL)

Anywho! Let’s get into this!

You’ve been a camper at Camp Half-Blood for years, and still, it was difficult for you to feel comfortable around anybody. Even the people who were supposed to be your brothers and sisters.

Not until it was one day when three newbies arrived to camp.

He talks enough for the both of you.

Leo Valdez

As soon as he meets you, he claims it’s love at first sight. (Though, he’s a little girl crazy, he claims every girl who looks at him first is love at first sight)

He thinks you’re so pretty, and so sweet and quiet. (At first). He attaches himself to you immediately. With Drew attaching herself to Jason, and Annabeth to Piper, he feels a little left out. Even though Will was assigned to be his little tour guide, he asked that you accompany them.

After that, he kind of just hangs around you a lot.

At least, as much as he can before his quest with Jason and Piper.

After that quest is over, he clings to you like a lost puppy. He claims it’s because Piper and Jason’s lovey doveyness was sickening. That he needed to have someone like that, too.

Before either of you really get together, he’s got that dorky kind of crush on you.

You know, the one. The cute one.

He learns all of your favorite things, and learns them so he can do them with you. He really wants to show off, but he’s maybe not so good at it.

He collects little rocks and trinkets for you. He’ll find whatever cards you’re into and gift them to you, “free of charge” he says. He really just like seeing you light up like the sun every time he finds one you don’t have yet. (It’s really hard, but he’s trying.)

He’s surprised to find that the two of you are a lot more similar than he expected. The ADHD, and the RSD, and the talking a mile a minute. As soon as you trust him enough to start yapping, it’s all the two of you ever do. There’s rarely a moment where the two of you are alone.

Your feelings for him feel like they come out of nowhere. Perhaps it was when he gifted you his first card. Or maybe when he broke cabin rules to sit by you during meal times. Or, perhaps, it was when he came back from his quest to save Hera, and he was immediately looking for you. He ignored the on-field medics, he ignored Piper and Jason asking him where he was going.

He was immediately going to your cabin to give you a big hug.

If you ask him to be your boyfriend (because you might have to, he’s terrified of rejection, but he’s made it wildly clear that he’s madly in love with you) I promise he’s the most fun, and the dorkiest boyfriend you’ll ever have.

He’s attentive without meaning to be. He notices things you like, and even enjoys learning abut them just so he’ll have more of an excuse to talk to you. (As I’ve already said, but sh)

He even makes little things for you to collect, it’s become a tradition between the two of you. He makes small little things for you to admire and put on your shelves. Or even little things that might make your life easier. A card finder or something. A spider killer. I dunno. He just likes making you things, and likes seeing you using them or even displaying them next to your bunk in your cabin.

He loves the presents you give him, too! Trust that he keeps them in his infinite tool belt at all times. He loves having your gifts on him at all times.

One of your date nights (sneaking out of your cabins at night and meeting at the mess hall) was just making each other charm bracelets. He wears it always. If it keeps getting caught on things as he’s tinkering, he wears it on a chain around his neck that he keeps tucked into his shirt and out of the way.

He also loves holding you, and adores that you can do the same with him. He’s all for hugs and cuddles. He loves it, he just loves it.

Holding your hand while going around camp, sneaking kisses during Campfire. He adores sitting behind you at Campfire so he can just drape himself over you.

A touchy little feller, he is.

ALSO ALSO

He absolutely adores your fashion. He likes anything you wear, but he’s a big fan of the all black fits you got going on. He’s a big fan of the goth—ness. About you. He likes you a lot, so he likes whatever you’re wearing a lot. Even if the Camp uniform is a hideous orange tee. (He thinks you can pull it off)

Honorary mentions!

Jason Grace

(Obviously, this takes place in a world where he and Piper weren’t together, because I’m assuming you’re not a homewrecker). He lights you up in a different way. He’s softer with you, spoils you in any way you want. Perhaps your personality would change with him, even though I could see you with Leo better than Jason.

Wooo this one came out quicker than I thought it would. ANYWAY. Have fun with this!!!!!

[irene-dimension]

a guide to overcoming stomach growling

a bit of a lengthy post here! let me start by saying anyone with a k*nk or f*tish on this topic can kindly leave and DNI freak

so, stomach growling is something i have dealt with a lot, especially in academic settings. there is nothing more humiliating than eliciting a loud noise completely out of your control in a silent classroom. i wanted to make this post to share a few tips i’ve learned over the years, things id wish id known sooner. this topic can be really embarrassing to talk about, and those who deal with this issue often have no one to turn to for help. so if i can help even just one person with this post i would be satisfied :)

firstly, i think it’s important to understand what exactly stomach growling is. It’s the sound of food being processed through your digestive system, a perfectly normal process. food provides a buffer to those loud noises, the absence of it removes that buffer making the noises more noticeable.

minimize the possibility

- when getting dressed don’t wear tight clothes that will press into your stomach

- don’t skip breakfast. make sure to eat a balanced breakfast. for example, I’ll have a yogurt with granola mixed in with a side of grapes and strawberries. any combination that you find works for you

- chew properly, this makes the food easier to digest and will minimize the noise

-try not to inhale through your mouth while chewing

- make sure to drink water with your meals/snacks !! personally i have seen a difference by drinking the correct amount of water with food. however, you don’t want to over do it. if you’re in a situation where you only have access to water and you begin to feel the grumbles come on, take a few small sips. don’t take huge gulps or drink too much, this will make the sounds louder

accommodate and adapt

- pack a small snack or multiple snacks to bring with you to school or any activity. it may feel a bit embarrassing to be eating during class, but i promise no one really cares that much. it is much less embarrassing to eat a little snack in class than to have your stomach growl

- make a snacking schedule ! this is something that really helped for me. for some, small snacks throughout the day work better than 3 meals. id see what classes allow food, then decide which periods to eat. for example, id eat at the end of second period, then the beginning of 6th

-bring a smoothie. ive done this for the past 3 years

- know your limits. of course, you should try not to let fear of something out of your control hold you back. how and ever, i know personally just how much it can affect decision making. don’t feel bad for accommodating yourself, you deserve to feel comfortable. this can be applied to anything but here’s an example—if it is possible, opt for a shorter class length. take a 1 hr class when possible over the 4 hr one.

mental aspect

personally i believe that the mental aspect of this issue plays a HUGE role.

anxiety can actually worsen these sounds, turning it into a terrible cycle. you fear making the sounds, which in turn causes you to make the sounds. i think anxiety is so critical to this. maybe you have anxiety about something completely different, maybe anxiety about interacting with people in social situations. your brain picks one thing to hyper focus on and redirects all your attention to something you weren’t even worried about in the first place. it is also interesting to note that the gut has the second most nerve endings, after the brain. some research has been conducted to look into their connection, but it’s still a pretty new topic.

- if you are in class, try to really pay attention to note taking. it helps to be focused and physically engaged on something else

- have a bracelet or something to fidget with

- EARBUDS. i truly don’t know what i would have done without my earbuds. they definitely provide a distraction, and this distraction can lessen the sounds

-gum. this can be another helpful distraction, the chewing may trick your brain and buy you more time until you are able to leave the situation or have a snack

- try to remind yourself that everything will be alright. if someone wants to make fun of you for something every human on this earth experiences then that makes them an asshole

~~~

i think ive covered most everything here ! i hope you were able to find something in this post useful and are able to apply it to your life. if you have any questions feel free to ask under this post or dm me. stay safe out there 🫶

[lemonflowercat]

de-catastrophizing

breathe in, breathe out

body

i want to step back and accept: i am 88 kilos at this moment, i have fat rolls that i try to conceal. i do not fit into the conventional standards of beauty. BUT i'm blessed to have a strong and healthy body - it's a real privilege, and i am so grateful for it. and i'm beautiful! i have lots of clothes i feel pretty in - and feeling it myself, irrespective of what anyone else says, is precious.

also, my best friend ♡ T-T is my favourite person in the whole world

i do have some goals for my body - these are majorly rooted in vanity - and that's okay. it's Dora Milaje looking out for me, protecting me from years of being fat shamed by my mother and society. this is why losing weight makes me feel more confident - and that's okay. my weight loss goals are also rooted in nurturing it so it can do the best of all the magic it is capable of. i want to lose fat to

have a healthy metabolism,

balanced hormones,

and healthy skin and nails.

keep my joints healthy

reduce the risk of CVDs

i want to lift heavy, jump, run, climb, be flexible.

i am not my ideal self now - but i am on my journey to it. it feels like it'll never end, on some days it's the hardest thing i do, i fail more often than i'm comfortable with - and it's ok. this is my character arc - and what's a good character arc without some struggle? besides, life is bigger than calories in-calories out, of course it's a struggle.

things i can do to support myself through this struggle:

stay kind when things don't go as planned

make the tough choices easier to make

plan ahead

look deeper, understand more of what drives me and what breaks me

have a little talk with myself before jumping on the indulgence train: be mindful, check in with my emotions, negotiate alternatives that are better for me

show up every day - can't be my best self every day, but i can be more like my best self

academics

//tummy flip

my anxiety is inversely proportional to the no. of days left to the exam. this means, freezing through the day and panic attacks at night.

to support myself through this, i can

make space for things that calm me down: meditating, staying mindful through little activities like doing the dishes and cooking, walks, working out, sleeping well, avoiding parent-interaction

prioritise studying: this means letting other people know that i don't have time for some things, making conscious decisions about how i spend my time, showing up at my study table and sitting through the first 20m even when it seems impossible

set concrete goals, track progress, actively monitor emotions

eliminate distractions: when studying, focus only on that.

no scrolling during study breaks: breaks aren't to load up more information on the brain, but to step back and relax. like really relax - stretch, walk, drink water, snack, gaze out the window, pet my babies

consume less than 2 hours of media per day: like, seriously! i know how much of a game changer this is

tap into how much i enjoy studying

75 soft reval - to make it align with changing life season. i want to ease off the stress too, because the next 56 days are already super stressful for me. i'm going to cut down on the no. of goals i set out for myself.

body

[] yoga every morning x20m: outdoors if i'm up early

movement first thing in the morning is the goal here. to save on time, i'm going to do yoga (my walks end up taking an hour). morning sun, or even just watching the sun come up makes me feel really good, so i want to practice outdoors.

to make this choice easier, i'll keep my mat and water bottle ready to go by my door the previous night.

[] midday wxo

summer is here - the afternoons are unbearably hot and it's v hard to focus while i'm a sweltering mess. i want to capitalise on evening study hours, so i'm reserving 11 am to 3 pm for working out, chores and cooking. this is also why i'm cutting down yoga to 20m - to make more of the cooler mornings.

can switch up here, like maybe go for a walk in the morning and yoga in the evening.

[] 1400 kcal/day x6/week

sad to see my raw veg/fruit goal go - i put it in to make myself come up with more ways to consume them, and i think i've established a good enough menu to tap into for now. i'll incorporate these into my meals, and maybe bring this goal back later when i have the headspace for it.

mind

[] meditate once/d

[] study 6h/d x6d + 4h on break day = 40h/w

well, that's down to 5 goals from the 10 i was going for earlier! i have some ground rules like

prioritize getting 7h of sleep but if i do sleep late, wake up before 6.30 am irrespective of what i went to bed (sounds inhuman but this is honestly best for me: a day or 2 of less sleep can be made up for with afternoon naps and i really do function best when i wake up early)

have social time once/week

do not consume media for more than 2h per day: includes little things like not using my phone until i'm done with morning yoga, not scrolling in between study sessions and not using my phone to deal with a freeze mode T-T

goddd, if not for 75 days, i really hope to see this through for the 56 days to my exam at least. //stress surge// ok, i've got this. everything is ok, i am enough and i am capable of way more than my stressed out self feels rn. i'm not doing anything i don't want to - all of these things are exactly what i want for myself, and it's just my surface brain that's feeling so apprehensive and stressed. once i get into it, it's all going to be fine amazing because let's be honest ok: i love eating healthy and putting thought into my food, i love working out, i fkn love yoga and how good it makes my body feel, i love the deep stillness of meditation, and studying is that exact perfect blend of challenge+something i'm good at that gets me flowing.

lots of love to me teehee and every person out there life-ing ♡ ☆

[jimothy-g-brooks]

My D&Derivative [Alignment]

Part I

Instead of the normal 3x3 grid, I have this, a circle that implies a morality system that loops back in on itself. The primary "pure" alignments are the labelled colors there along the cardinal points, Blue, Green, Red and Purple, roughly coordinating with Good, Neutral, Evil and Complicated. However, I'll be sticking with the color names, as the normal alignment names are rather loaded. Using color names lets me control the narrative. There are no truly "in-between" alignments, but each "pure" alignment has a pair of border alignments: Cyan(<-Blue->)Indigo, Lavender(<-Purple->)Rose, Pink(<-Red->)Orange & Yellow(<-Green->)Aqua.

The colored labels in the corner are the ends of axis used for the alignment system that when mapped out may form a 2x2 grid turned on its side. I preferred a circle, because it accomplished a few things. I thought it was prettier and more unique compared to the grid. I thought it made the idea of each alignment blending into one another easier to visualize, going around in a circle. It brough home an idea that there is no middle ground in the center of an empty circle, you have to pick a side or, more succinctly, a point at the edge of this circle.

Selfless vs Selfish represent motivations, goals and drives, are you trying to broadly help all others or are you only interested in helping you and yours. Competence, capability and comprehension aren't accounted for in this system: It's broadly assumed that the goals you are pursuing are being achieved and your purported selflessness or lack thereof isn't just wishful thinking.

Callous vs Careful isn't disengaged from motivation but it is concerned more with action. Another if somewhat extreme way to put it is Maximizing Harm vs Minimizing Harm. Though the exact form that will take will differ, especially with "Careful", on whether you mean to help others beyond your own connections or just help yourself and your own. If you're of a Callous variety, someone who carelessly or purposefully leaves pain and suffering in your wake, whether your intentions were good or were selfish might be purely academic, or they might make all the difference.

When you go about trying to selflessly help others, do you care about collateral? Are you the type to ruthlessly slaughter every bandit and bandit-adjacent person in the forest to keep a region full of strangers safe? When you capture the slavers' collaborator, do you skip straight to torture to get him to tell you where the children are? What awful things are you willing to do some people to help some other people? And do you do it all because you genuinely trying help, genuinely believe this evil will result in a better good for the world?

While the other alignments can be self-explanatory, the Purple alignment can be harder to pin down but hopefully the above question-prompts help sell the mindset. It should be not outside the realm of possibility for a Blue aligned and Purple aligned character to work together towards a common goal, possibly even operate in the same group long term, albeit with some friction. They both want to help people.

Purple and Red might work together for a little while, if Red can focus on hurting the right people and not attract Purple's ire. Otherwise, Red is exactly the sort of person Purple is looking to hurt. Green and Purple are exact opposites and possibly have the most friction, the least reason to interact. At best, Purple might think of Green as a bystander and, at worst, a small minded petty cowards. Green would consider Purple to be a sanctimonious lunatic who's great crusade is rivalled only by the great body count that crusade leaves behind.

Part II: Greater & Lesser alignments and associated Outsiders

[angrybutpolite]

About the ineffable coffee

While we are on the topic of annoying coffee debates. People seem divided into two camps: NOTHING or EVERYTHING. We are in the world of shades of grey, black and white makes us lose focus. There are multiple facets to this extremely important debate. 

*cracks knuckles*

So let's talk alternative interpretations, nuances and symbolism, shall we?

(I have jumped down every rabbit hole I could find and even dug some new ones. My google search history is seriously messed up right now).

The coffee… 

MEANS NOTHING (Occam’s razor, right?)

The coffee means nothing, it’s just filling, Metatron needs something to talk about. He could just as well have been talking about bath salts (but that would have been weird). 

My verdict: Not likely, considering all the time that is spent in the episode on Metatron acquiring and talking about the damn coffee. Time is precious in film and TV, and nothing, absolutely nothing, is superfluous in Neil’s world.  

RED HERRING

The coffee is just coffee, but Neil is trying to distract us from something else. 

My verdict: Likely. 

SYMBOLISM

The coffee is just coffee, but Neil is showing us that Metatron is manipulating Aziraphale and asking us to pay attention. 

My verdict: Less likely. (Don’t get me wrong, I think that Metatron is meddling big time, but I doubt that Neil would be using the coffee to tell us that)

MUNDANE MANIPULATION 

The coffee is just coffee, and its purpose is manipulation. Metatron is manipulating Aziraphale via gift giving. There is a whole branch of psychology that centres around how we can manipulate others this way. 

You should read this magnificent analysis of Metatron’s step-by-step manipulation here. 

My verdict: Extremely likely. It fits Metatron’s persona and bias to a tee. Metatron thinks other beings are simple and easy to predict. 

THE COFFEE IS SPIKED

The coffee contains something that is supposed to make Aziraphale more malleable and easier to persuade. 

Clues: 

The coffee is front and centre in this part of the episode.

The coffee content is described several times.

The coffee cup features in the intro.  

There’s flagrant inconsistency: 

33:16: Metatron’s order to Nina: “A large oat milk latte with a dash of almond sirup”

35:36: Metatron’s description of the coffee two minutes later: “(...) oat milk latte with a hefty jiggle of almond syrup.” 

At 35:53 we are reminded that angels are not immune to drugs when Metatron says: “I have ingested things in my time, you know.” There are multiple interpretations of this one: 

Metatron knows first-hand that celestial beings can be under the influence.

Neil is reminding us that unexpected things happens when celestial beings ingest mundane food and drink.

Metatron consumes things/beings if he pleases. (“I will eat you if you don’t play nice”) 

Metatron is playing Azi by relating to him (see manipulation link above)

Elements of the spiked-coffee-theory: 

Coffee

Coffee has little/no biblical symbolism.* 

*Huh. There is apparently an entire academic debate about whether or not coffee is indirectly mentioned in the bible, but for my own sanity, I’m just saying it is hardly, if ever, mentioned. Besides, Crowley chugs it like it’s water, so that’s an argument against any mystical properties.

Oat milk

Oat milk does not exist in the bible (lol), but grains do. Grains, particularly wheat, are heavily burdened with symbolism. Key words: god’s favour and grace, devotion, obedience, death of the ego, pursuit of salvation, rebirth and… resurrection.  

Almond syrup - the holy version

Almonds are also heavily steeped in biblical symbolism - they signify divine favour, the holy virgin and purity.

That’s the celestial drink - mocktail if you will. However, there’s another alternative: 

Almond syrup - spy version

Another interpretation of the almond syrup is of course cyanide, which is sometimes described as having a smell of bitter almonds. That would explain the suddenly hefty doses of sugar in the coffee to mask the bitterness. This also ties in with all the Clues and the spy references. I’ll even dig the rabbit hole a bit deeper and observe that Metatron, whilst in the queue, seems to be chewing on something. Cyanide capsules had a hard casing, f.ex glass. They needed to be cracked for the poison to be released.  

Why cyanide? Well, episode three shows us that unexpected things happen when celestial beings ingest chemicals. Laudanum, that drugs or even kills humans, gets them high instead. Cyanide could possibly do something else? 

...anyway

Accoding to the theory, this cocktail of poison and/or holy favour, ego death and purity, possibly seasoned with Metatron’s own “miracle” (No! Not that! Bah!),

...drugs Aziraphale into following Metatron’s orders. 

Arguments against the spiked coffee: 

Aziraphale has spent almost his entire long lifetime - several millennia - falling in love with Crowley and out of love with heaven. Distancing himself from celestial actions and propaganda. Would three sips of spiked coffee undo this?

Even when Crowley is high as a kite on an entire flask of laudanum, he is still cognizant and makes seemingly rational actions (well, ish). 

Metatron tells us that he knows what happens when celestial beings ingest food and drink. Why admit openly that he is trying to drug Azi? (TBF, that could be his supreme ego showing)

If you buy into the idea that Megatron has been meddling throughout the season (ref. The Epic Essay - read it if you haven't), it nullifies the rest of it. Why bother, if Metatron can just drug him?

It's a CHEAP quick-fix with little/no setup. Metatron could have just showed up with that coffee two minutes after the miracle alarm went off in heaven. Season 2 would have been a one-episoder.

My verdict: The spiked-coffee-theory is not likely, because it is so damned obvious. Neil is shoving the coffee mug in our faces. There is manipulation, but it is most likely the good, old-fashioned psychological one. 

CONCLUSION

I am leaning towards the coffee mug just containing coffee. (And Metatron being a manipulative AH). Neil is doing some prestidigitation of his own. At best, the coffee theory only works if it’s a component of Metatron’s meddling. It does not have enough legs to stand on.

Final comments: 

With regards to the inconsistency, I think that ties in with Metatron’s meddling. Neil is showing us that Metatron is a sloppy storyteller and does not pay attention to details. 

Oh, and also, the coffee distracts us from the fact that we do not know everything that Metatron and Azi talked about - coffee or death - read more about that here. 

But, what do you think? That’s more interesting than what I think, anyway.

[sentientgopro]

Alright, later today will be the one week mark since cracking, and its wild how much has changed and how much has stayed the same. Sure, I still can't actually transition for quite a long time, but just the realisations and understanding this has brought me has been life changing. To focus less on the trans part for a second, Its fucking shocking how much having something to look forward to has affected me. I never noticed how bad shit was before until its gotten better. To see the extent to which a lack of positive reasons to Carry On actually affected me on a day to day basis. But I don't wanna dwell on that, Im getting shit done and am catching up with where I should be academically. Reaching Uni keeps looking easier and easier. And yes, I still have times where I feel how I felt before. i make a small mistake, get berated for it, and wonder why I fuckin bother Carrying On. But even at that time, I know its temporary, I know itll pass, and it does. That wasn't happening before, it just stuck.

As I uncover more about myself, Im noticing more and more dysphoria, beit feelings I didnt notice before or things I did notice and found other explanations for. I know this is gonna get worse, but fuck it, I can actually recover from things now. Ill manage. Things aren't actually changing right now, I cant safely transition yet, but as I said, things also have changed.

So far this has primarily been a wider reflection on the past week but I do have something new to add. Ive noticed that, at times, I have felt like being masc is right, that having a deeper voice is right, etc. And I wondered, is it some kinda fluidity? NB? Its only certain situations, most of the time I do feel fem, so what's up with that?

And then I think about a show I'm watching right now, Gen V, and it all makes sense.

Jordan Li's powers aren't exactly clearly defined, but basically, they switch between a man and woman at will (Its not full shapeshifting, the power is binary), as well as having other general superpowers depending on which they are, making for some cool fight scenes. But outside of the fight scenes, the way the show explores which they choose is interesting (and the show DOES explicitly state what Im about to say.)

Its made clear that Jordan is more comfortable as a girl, which their parents hate. Theres a decent chunk of one episode clearly about "HES our little boy, what happened to HIM" while Jordan, originally a guy in this scene, switches infront of their parents to be more comfortable.

So why, outside of combat, do they choose to be masc?

They do it when they try to make a point. Appear authoratative and/or respectable. When interacting with people who they don't think would like them as a girl (e.g their girlfriend, Marie the protagonist, who isn't explicity bi, atleast not yet, and Jordan says they would rather be comfortable as a girl with Marie but they don't know if shes okay with it.)

And I can't help but think that makes TOTAL sense. I feel more masc at work when I want to appear strong, capable, and, dare I say it, "cool". When I'm talking to people I wish respected me more. When I'm with friends, people I know are allies and some queer, I feel more fem. I don't think I'm fluid, I think this I feel the same kinda way as Jordan.

The key takeaway from this for me is that genuinely, representation, especially in the most random places, is so good. Its interesting watching it with my parents because its a world where superpowers are very real, and this person CAN switch at will on every level. And they have to drop the "not a real man/woman" argument and struggle to find a different reason to hate what they see. The representation characters like Jordan provide says "Okay, if we play by your rules and portray what a """real man/ woman""" looks like, this is the REAL situations queer people face and the way they are treated. And you still agree with the people treating them that way. Your problem is NOT how much they are actually like their chosen gender." And its good being in something unexpected. My parents would not watch your standard kinda "queer media", yknow, stuff like heartstopper or whatever (idk, I dont either so idk what Im talking abt.) But putting good, well written rep in a spin off of a show where a dude in a trench coat shoves a bomb up an invisible dudes ass and he says cunt alot exposes them to things they would not otherwise be exposed to.

And thats only talking about the minimal effect this rep has on people who disagree with it. Much more important is the exposure for queer people who don't know it yet, or don't know how they feel, and it provides understanding, something to look at and say "thats me". Honestly, Im gettin a little tired of writing this rn, anything I could say about that aspect of representation has been said a million times already, So Ill leave it there.

So, to conclude, with the absolute hardest line ever said in a show, from Jordan Li:

"Tag team cocksplosion."

Okay maybe not the best choice.