a-lake-of-fire

[a-lake-of-fire]

To An Oldest Child, From An Oldest Child

There's something so hopeless about being the oldest of your siblings. From a young age it is drilled into you that you have to protect them, that is your role from the moment the next sibling is born. You must keep them safe, no matter what. And for a while, that isn't so bad. But as you get older you start to realize that you aren't their parent, you can't provide structure and security and all these things they need. You didn't choose to have children, but you are treated like their parent. It only gets worse the larger the age gap.

There's something so painful about having to protect your siblings from things they shouldn't need protection from. Parents especially. It's not always physical, sometimes it's not even intentional, but you were also raised by these people. You know how badly they can mess up. It's on you to fix it. Your parents should have learned how to be parents before you were born, but they didn't. They should have learned how to be better before your sibling was born. They didn't. It gets worse the more kids they have, or maybe it doesn't. Maybe at some point your parents did learn, and they are good enough for your siblings. You deserved good parents too.

No one ever talks about what you're supposed to do when your younger sibling hates you, or when they go to you instead your parents. They don't talk about all the pressure to be a role model while also trying to just be a child. But whatever is going on, I promise you are doing your best. It is not your job to keep children who are not yours in line. It is not your job to be their only protection. Even if they feel like your children. You did not bring them into the world, do not feel guilty for not being in theirs all the time. It's not sustainable. It's not your fault.

((This post has been brought to you by my siblings' parents going to court at the same time as I'm supposed to be moving out. And also my therapist.))

[a-lake-of-fire]

Historical Disconnect

Historical disconnect. I used to think it meant not knowing about past civilizations. Because, like almost everyone else in my country, I am in American education. They make it mandatory, they make it so you can't take a break, and then they overwork you. They overwork the students, they overwork the teachers, they underfund every program but the one that most voters enjoy. The one that doesn't take too much analysis and you can just watch. From a couch, while your children bring you beer and if they get in the way they get punished. Only sports get funding in American education. Nothing else, really. Nothing that would connect you to the past.

I know nothing about my family. I do not know where we're from. I know the color of my skin is white, and that I tan much easier than most of the other white people I know and that I've never once gotten a sunburn. But I do not know where I'm from. I know I was born in Michigan, same as my parents. I know their names, their siblings names, and the names of their parents, but nothing before that. I do not know the name of my father's grandmother. I don't know who watched my mother while her parents were at work. I don't know who I am.

There are others like me out there. There are entire communities who have lost their identity to something much more cruel than being refused information. Entire languages have been lost because people feared that they were becoming too absorbed in the identity of the country they invaded. An entire country lost the right to speak their own language in their own country. And that's just one. Others were banned because "speaking more than one language makes you dumber" or just simply because it wasn't English and therefore it was "wrong." English is the most spoken language in the world. Because they banned other languages.

I may have turned out entirely different had I had access to the information of who I am. If we go back through the generations and allow that knowledge to continue, I may have spoken a language that no longer exists because of colonization and the erasure of beautiful cultures, languages, histories. There are groups of people who would know their past and their language and they would be comfortable speaking it because they wouldn't have been told it is "wrong" or "ugly" for communicating. Expressing thoughts and feelings and ideas to others is complex, it's not ugly, no matter what language it's in. Historical disconnect is personal and it's painful. It comes in so many forms, and there's no way to fix this problem but try to educate ourselves.

[a-lake-of-fire]

Yellow

I am working on something else at the moment, but I also really wanted to do a little bit of something I've never really done before. I call this yellow, and if anyone who knows me in real life stumbles across this, they'll know why.

I never used to like the color yellow, it was always too much, too bright, too loud. I used to think why would anyone enjoy a color that represented something like the sun. The sun is blinding and hot and I've always been more of an autumn person. The colors are softer, it's colder, but still comfortable. I never liked the color yellow.

Yellow, to me, was loud. I was surrounded by loudness all day, every day and yellow was just too overwhelming. Everything about it seemed to be shouting it's presence and if there was any more shouting, I was going to shut down. I got in trouble for shutting down. Yellow was too loud.

Yellow was too bright. When you want to hide, you want darkness, and yellow is anything but dark. Yellow is bright and clear and it doesn't allow for you to just turn it down so you can hide. I couldn't just make it darker. Yellow was too bright.

Yellow was too much. When everyone around you seems so excited and happy to be there, and you, at such a young age, had to drag yourself out of bed just to show up to school and after school you're going to go right back to bed because there's nothing else left to do but lay in the darkness and wait, yellow is too much.

The color yellow was loud and bright and happy and everything I never had, and for that I hated it. I hated how the color of the sun, something needed to live, was lacking-no, missing- from my life. I didn't want to be the one to force it into my life, I like softer, cooler colors. And just when I thought that maybe life in black and white was better than all the aggressive color around, yellow appeared.

Yellow reached out, unashamed of how bright and loud it was and planted itself right in my life. I tried to shake yellow, the noise was constant and I didn't know how to handle that. I didn't know how to incorporate the brightness into the darkness I hid in.

The thing about yellow, though, is it doesn't let you hide. It takes the darkness and it brightens it, slowly, until one day you look around and feel like you're standing in the sun. It's still so loud and unapologetic, but if you focus on just that one sound, everything else starts to fade out. Yellow makes you excited to be alive and eventually your blue starts to become green. And green is a cool color, just like you prefer, but it wouldn't exist without yellow.

And occasionally, the yellow softens. It becomes less loud and less bright and more nervous and in those times, I fear yellow more than ever. I'm no longer afraid of how bright it is, I'm afraid that maybe yellow will become green too, and then blue, and then it will fade into the exact same place I had been when it found me. In those times, I try to lend a little bit of the yellow from my green.

I never used to like the color yellow, but then he smiles and I question how I ever could have hated it. He tells me good morning, every day without fail, for almost two years. And when life seems dark, I cling to that small piece of yellow until he comes back and he tells me about his day and everything feels alright again.

I love yellow now. I love how loud and bright and unapologetic he is. And while I don't tell him, yellow saved my life.

[a-lake-of-fire]

Since haunt season is coming back up, I want to share something I thought about last season.

The Marauders as haunt workers

I think we all know that Remus would be the one wandering actor who everyone goes to see. A lot of people would flirt with him (Sirius included) despite him being covered in gore. He'd do really well in common areas as an actor to just fill the space. His character might seem like it's such an obvious choice, but he would actually be a plague doctor, and I stand by that. He'd try to be nice to young children, but rude teenagers, he has the BEST dialogue to deal with them.

Sirius would be great in a hayride or in a haunted house. He would be all for the roles other people don't want. I'm thinking prisoner in a haunted jail (too soon?) He would eat that role up. Probably a lot of inspiration from The Joker, but sometimes the best inspiration is the obvious one. He has the perfect laugh, so also maybe a clown some nights? He'd probably think clowns are overdone, though. And he'd be right. But they are a classic, most places have them, and they keep bringing in crowds. In character flirting with Remus? Every time they see each other at work. Every time.

James could be a great actor, but I also think he'd be a great ticket taker. Either way, he has a very guiding but intimidating presence. As an actor, he'd randomly appear and disappear at different points in the haunt, he'd be great at not giving away scares while still being present for them. Haunted mansion, anyone? If he was a ticket taker, creepy dialogue for sure. "Here they come," "see you on the other side," stuff like that that's just slightly off-putting.

Peter definitely works consessions because it's far enough away from the haunts while still seeing some actors in the common area. He'd give Remus free drinks every time he came up. Honestly, consessions is such a chill job, you get the haunt worker experience without too much pain. He'd laugh at Sirius complaining about his bruises, especially if Sirius worked hayride, those bruises get nasty.

Lily would either be a ticket taker or a makeup artist. She would regularly talk to the actors, but might be a little creeped out when they make their character noises at her. She'd take a lot of convincing to work at a haunt, but she would love it.

Regulus, I think, would make a great "victim" character. Think the one good character in a haunt who is being trapped by the other characters, the weeping person chained alone in a room, stuff like that. He'd pull it off so well. Another option is haunted mansion again. He'd be the perfect Victorian ghost. He can probably scream like a banshee, might if he gets bored/overwhelmed.

Barty deserves to be put in a corn maze or in a cannibal haunt. Somewhere he can act absolutely deranged. He's got that psycho laugh and enjoys banging on whatever is around. Just a silly little dude.

Evan is either exclusively a makeup artist, or he does makeup and works in the common area with Remus. Either way, he's that one makeup artist everyone wants to go to, he's definitely got the creepiest makeup but he really has absolutely no idea what he's doing until he's done. His character would probably be a well-known media character, like Ghostface.

Marlene probably also does makeup, but I think she'd also really enjoy acting and would insist on doing it every night. She'd actually like the clowns, unlike Sirius. 100% a slider, if you don't know what that is, go look of videos of haunt sliders. Definitely has a child/doll-like character, too. She would have a full backstory for her character, and she'd tell any customer that asks.

I don't really have anything for Mary or Dorcas, but I do for Pandora. She would play a lost character in the haunted mansion, like a ghost who doesn't know they're dead yet. She'd probably hang out with Regulus on slow nights, and they've definitely had to scramble to get back to their spots in time before.

If you have any ideas for what Mary and Dorcas would do, or if you want a version similar to this but instead of acting, it's the characters going through a haunt, let me know. And if you have any questions about haunts in general, it's one of my favorite things to talk about.

[a-lake-of-fire]

Things to expect

If the one you want isn't on here, feel free to ask! Send in asks anyway! Please!

Marauders

Wolfstar

Jegulus

Rosekiller

Scream

Stu and Billy

Chad and Ethan

Pretty much anyone, I just prefer ships

Shadowhunters Chronicles

Anyone, mostly Malec, but if you ask for someone, you'll probably get it. I'm still reading The Dark Artifices, so you might not get that, but The Mortal Instruments or The Infernal Devices, yeah, you'll get it.

Stranger Things

Steddie mostly.

Maybe something with Billy, but that's not going to be canon at all.

Others

Somehow there's more that aren't enough for me to put in a specific fandom.

Simon and Wille from Young Royals

Jefferson (the Mad Hatter from Once Upon A Time, because the Hatter is my favorite Disney character)

Jason Todd (probably more Titans than comics)

Dick Grayson (probably more Titans than comics)

Finnick Odair (possible Peeta, but probably Finnick)

Marvel? Maybe?

Maybe some original stuff? If that's something you're interested in.

Fluff, angst, smut, you name it, it'll be here.

I will probably write for straight ships, but being gay and mostly writing queer ships, I'm a lot more comfortable with that.

I don't really do x reader stuff, but I've also never tried it. If I do, it will suck for a while.

I'm very insecure about my writing, so if I don't reply to comments or something, it's not personal, I just don't like reading my work. That being said, it'll also probably mostly be unedited.

[a-lake-of-fire]

Hello!

I just wanted to do a quick introduction.

My name is Alex, I'm still in high school so updates will take a while. I used to be a Wattpad writer (I'm not proud of it either) who then moved to AO3 and proceeded to never post anything, so given that I'm always on Tumblr I thought I might actually post something here. The username is a Hozier lyric, so do with that what you want.

Other things, I am gay, and almost everything I've ever written has been queer, so I will be a bit more comfortable with gay pairings.

July-January are very very busy for me! I am a haunt actor and I'm in show choir, so I get basically no time to myself until spring. However, I have an unhealthy sleep schedule, so I'll still post during that time, just not very often.

I'm going to do a separate post on what I am willing to write for, but please send in asks, I'm not always the most creative.