a-recovery-full-of-shame

[a-recovery-full-of-shame]

Im posting this to let people know about Panic attacks. Sufferers didn't ask or plan to have this condition and it’s important to raise awareness.

During a panic attack you get a rush of intense mental and physical symptoms. It can come on very quickly and for no apparent reason.

I often feel as if I'm viewing my life through a glass screen and that I'm unable to interact or properly be part of everyday life.

I'm susceptible to panic attacks as I have several Neuro conditions and Fibromyalgia that can also trigger depression.

A panic attack can be very frightening and distressing.

Symptoms include:

a racing heartbeat

feeling faint

sweating

nausea / vomiting

chest pain

shortness of breath

trembling

hot flushes

chills

shaky limbs

a choking sensation

dizziness

numbness or pins and needles

dry mouth

ringing in your ears

a feeling of dread or a fear of dying

a churning stomach

a tingling in your fingers

feeling like you're not connected to your body

All I want to do is make people aware of the above, we're not nutters, we're not lazy, we're just trying to cope with this awful messed up world we all live in.

[a-recovery-full-of-shame]

All my life I have felt trapped and controlled by my parents …there’s so much I really want to do with my life but time is ticking.

Im not getting any younger that’s for sure!

I moved out young at the age of 15 years old as I needed to get away from the suffocation I felt. But everything Ive tried to do or wanted to do was dismissed, judged or given all the awful reasons why I shouldn’t. I’ve never been praised or ever felt like I can make a decision for myself , choose my own path or go anywhere alone.

I wanted to move to the countryside it’s probably about a 5 hour drive from my parents .. they play the heart strings, the guilt trip, the emotional blackmail and I honestly feel resentful about it.

Then I had kids and now I cannot get rid of my parents at all they message all day and ring me if I don’t answer straight away ..they keep on doing it until I do.

I have my own life and plans but I’m constantly dropping everything for them.

I can’t do anything without them having to know about it or have an opinion about it.

They are constantly turning up at my house whenever it suits them and all they do is put me down.

It’s effecting my work life, my friendships and my relationship. Even my kids are sick of their constant questions and judgements. They keep bringing unwanted things/ clutter to my house.. not liking the stamp I’ve put on my own place they either go on about it or they buy something to replace it.

I want to move away and live the life I’ve always dreamt off … and be free to be the person I was always suppose to be.

But I’m stuck and trapped and controlled because I feel guilty leaving them … to live my own life.

[a-recovery-full-of-shame]

People act out of character when they are struggling mentally!

you know like..

mood swings : increased anxiety, angry, unkept hygiene, frustrated , lashing out, or isolating themselves, going quiet, withdrawn, sleeping away the day, and doing stuff they wouldn’t normally do, substance abuse/addictions , emotionally unstable, irrational behaviour….stressed, burnt out and overwhelmed…

all spiralling out of control -

self destruction ..because not being in their own head seems a hell of a lot better than dealing with intrusive thoughts and the low moods, triggers of anxiety and the rest of their shitty symptoms that come with mental health.

People commit suicide and people wonder why and say things like “ why didn’t they reach out!”

Let me tell you something their behaviour, the way their acting…is reaching out!!

They don’t even know they are spiralling out of control because they are struggling and have an imbalance in their brain.

Nobody ever asks

“why are they acting this way?..

“why are they doing these things?”

Instead people dig them out and put them down … gossip amongst themselves and make them feel even worse!

They are already constantly beating themselves up, they feel so guilty as it is ..and crap about everything and the cycle continues until they’ve been broke down so much and are so drained, and feel so worthless, inadequate and a burden to others .. they start thinking everyone would be better off without them because they are sick of doing these things, fed up of letting people down and cancelling plans or they can’t shake the sadness, the shame and guilt they feel …then all it can take is that one little dig or put down to throw them over the edge!

Their breaking point!!

Then they are No longer here..

But They did reach out!

The signs were all there!

You were to busy disapproving the shit They’ve been doing or judging how they’ve been acting for months instead of asking why and getting them the help they actually needed!

You looked the other way because maybe their behaviour embarrassed you or upset you or you just didn’t agree with it and turned your back on them.

Mental health is a serious condition

Addiction is a real disease.

Don’t always think the worst of people you know ..because there will always be a reason behind it.

It’s not always about them reaching out or speaking out to someone..

Most of the time it has to be you reaching out to them!

#BeKind

#Mentalhealthawareness

#Suicideprevention

[a-recovery-full-of-shame]

Absolutely shit life this is.

What the fuck am I still here for. ??????

[a-recovery-full-of-shame]

Recovery is so hard. You get on the right track things start going ok …..then the guilt and shame hits. Wish I could turned back time and make changes. I hate that people who hardly know me actually think that was my character. Addiction and mental health have never mixed well. The grief I feel for what I’ve missed out on in some of the areas of my family life as I was to off my head to know what was going on or care.

I’m trying to be a better Person. I’m trying to not relapse. I’ve stopped being around certain people who drag me down or bring up my past but my own mind does it to me and I feel so defeated. I wish I didn’t care what people thought of me.

I feel down today. Inadequate. Worthless.

What is the point of this.

I prefer masking this hurt

Early days I know …a long way to go!

All I know is all I do is relapse.

Let’s see what’s actually happens when I don’t.

[a-recovery-full-of-shame]

Mental health system is a joke

The waiting lists are far to long

To many people are suffering

Everything about the system is so wrong

People are harming themselves

When it isn't their fault!

They don't meet the criteria

Until they are dead....

The system is really failing

This feels me with so much dread

So many people don't understand

What living with a mental illness is like

People are sharing their stories

Telling their truth, sharing their life's

But has the stigma ended?

Has the system changed?

Too many people don't take it seriously enough

In this day and age!

I really hope the mental health system changes

Because to many people have already lost their fight

Please Check on your family and friends

To see if they are alright..

To many people are suffering in silence

Who don't even know what to do

They don't know how to reach out

Even if they really wanted to talk to you

I wish I had the answers

But some sort of Changes need to be made

There has to be so much more support in place

Because Mental illness doesn't just fade

This is me spreading a little awareness

I wish there was more I could do

I've been down that lonely path

I can relate & understand you

My advice to you is to reach out

To family and friends

Until then...

I really do hope this mental health system changes

& the stigma ends.....

🌟

#mentalhealthmatters #endthestigma

[a-recovery-full-of-shame]

Staring at my mirror

So much I can see..

That haunting reflection

She can’t be me?

A heart full of sadness

A body full of pain

I don’t recognise her

Who is she again?

She stares back at me

With pain in her eyes

She’ still looks like me

But I can’t help but despise

She was once so happy

So much to gain

What happened to her?

Who can we blame?

Look deeper within yourself

What do you see?

Someone who will never give up

That women is me!

[a-recovery-full-of-shame]

She couldn’t see an end to any of this...she felt trappped ...was there a way out? ? Or has she just accepted this as her life now?

She didn’t recognise herself anymore and nor did those who use to know her ...but that didn’t matter to her anymore...all that mattered was finding freedom...maybe even a little happiness.....but who could she possibly trust now? Especially as so many people had already let her down!