aceofenbies

[aceofenbies]

"not feeling romantic/sexual attraction to strangers is completely normal!"

thanks for finally acknowledging that being demi is normal! we're still not allo though :)

"demi" and "normal" aren't antonyms. by calling ourselves demi, we're not saying we're "abnormal". we're actually saying we're normal demi people rather than broken allos.

[aceofenbies]

the "sex-repulsed friend who hands out water at the orgy" is the wildest thing to me because it's so obviously made up. either you don't know what sex-repulsed means and your friend is sex-averse instead, or that person doesn't exist in the first place. under most definitions of sex-repulsion, you'll probably not find sex-repulsed aces at an orgy.

aces don't need to compensate for our lack of sexual attraction by being super kinky, making dirty jokes, writing the best smut, handing out water bottles at the orgy etc. i'm tired of seeing these jokes about "the ace friend" who does all of these things because it feels like just another way to say "oh look! aces aren't that broken actually! aces can participate in all these sexy things and be normal!"

we don't need to compensate. we just exist, whatever that looks like, in whichever way we relate to sex and sexual things.

[aceofenbies]

why is everyone surprised that JKR is anti-ace? we've been telling you all for years that anti-ace ideas and TERF ideas are related but you all were too busy debating our place on the queer community than to actually listen to us.

the anti-ace to TERF pipeline is a known thing among nonbinary & transgender aces in particular.

[aceofenbies]

second hand euphoria is so real. there's nothing like your dysphoria or apathy towards something getting turned into euphoria by seeing someone else be euphoric about it. there's nothing like seeing what brings other people euphoria and realising "oh, i never thought of that, that's so great actually!". there's nothing like someone else's euphoria inspiring you to explore the bounds of your own dysphoria, euphoria, gender expression.

there's nothing like shared transgender joy.

Fuck second hand dysphoria lets talk second hand euphoria. “Oh my gosh look at how happy they are and how far they’ve come! I could do that too one day”

[aceofenbies]

which is weird though, because even in the very early 2000s, before we even had the term "ace" or other ace sublabals, people used the term "asexual" to include what we'd now call demisexuality or greysexuality, and the term "ace" was explicitly chosen to represent everyone on the asexual spectrum. "asexual" and "ace" have a long history of being used more broadly than just black stripe asexuality. exclusionists have been there throughout all of this, including now (AVEN and reddit are so bad at times) but that doesn't mean we should be giving up our history and our language, or imply that black stripe asexuality is suddenly not on the asexual spectrum anymore. i know that grey aces have been fucked over a lot by people like me, but that doesn't mean the community gets to exclude me from the concept of the asexual spectrum now.

i hate the common use of "acespec" to mean "on the asexual spectrum but not strictly ace".

since when are black stripe asexuals no longer on the asexual spectrum, aka the acespec? you all really out here acting like black stripe aces aren't ace?

there already is a term for "on the asexual spectrum but not strictly/black stripe ace".

the term is greysexual, or grey ace.

the asexual spectrum is for all of us and i can't believe this even has to be said.

it shouldn't be controversial or weird for me to say i'm on the ace spectrum while being a black stripe ace.

[aceofenbies]

allos: omg boys are so handsome, i'm so gay

other allos: yesss slay

aro aces: omg girls are so pretty, i'm so gay

allos: lol that's just aesthetic attraction, that doesn't count

[aceofenbies]

amatonormativity does not mean "the idea that alloromantic is the norm"

and allonormativity does not mean "the idea that allosexual is the norm"

this weird idea that amato- is "only for aros" and allo- is "only for aces" is just plain fucking wrong like

allonormativity covers all alloness as the supposed norm, allosexuality, alloromanticism, alloplatonicism and other ways of being allo, allonormativity says that there's a "normal" amount of (romantic/sexual/platonic/etc) attraction people experience, and everyone who experiences less than that (i.e. aspecs) is abnormal

amatonormativity covers allonormativity in both the romantic and sexual sense, but it's also way more than that: it's the idea that having a romantic-sexual relationship (with attraction) with exactly one person is the norm, especially if they follow the traditional relationship escalator

aces are affected by amatonormativity even if alloromantic because we experience little to no sexual attraction to our romantic partners and/or have sexless relationships, and those relationships are seen as "not real relationships" because sex is considered part of romance

aros (and all other aspecs) are affected by allonormativity because we experience less attraction than what is considered "normal"

allonormativity is specific to aspecs

amatonormativity can potentially disadvantage anyone who doesn't follow the traditional relationship path, but disproportionately affects polyamorous people, aros & aces

sexnormativity is the idea that sex, sexual desire, libido and sexual attraction are universal parts of the human experience, it overlaps with amatonormativity when the sexual component of the romantisexual relationship is missing/different/"less than", it also overlaps with allonormativity in terms of sexual attraction, it's not exclusive to aces though as it also affects allosexuals with low libidos, who choose not to have sex etc. it's a shame that this term isn't used much anymore and people just say "allonormativity" instead when they both mean different things and are both wider than just allosexual normativity

platonormativity is the idea that having/wanting friends and experiencing platonic attraction is the norm, it overlaps with allonormativity in the way it affects apls, but it's not exclusive to apls as it also affects alloplatonics who don't have friends or struggle with friendship for whatever reason

hope this helps because i'm tired of seeing people use these terms in narrower ways than intended and erasing a whole bunch of people affected

[aceofenbies]

aces don't need to compensate for our lack of sexual attraction by being super kinky, making dirty jokes, writing the best smut, handing out water bottles at the orgy etc. i'm tired of seeing these jokes about "the ace friend" who does all of these things because it feels like just another way to say "oh look! aces aren't that broken actually! aces can participate in all these sexy things and be normal!"

we don't need to compensate. we just exist, whatever that looks like, in whichever way we relate to sex and sexual things.

[aceofenbies]

i'm probably not aplatonic but i hate the double standards of people saying that the word "love" is overused and has "lost its meaning" (which is bs) but just look at what they're doing to the word "friend"? apart from random people declaring themselves your friend, the word "friend" has also just became a form of address, like "hi friend!". like what? you don't know me. i don't know you. it's especially weird when people say that on podcasts or social media. you especially don't know me.

at this point it just feels like people rubbing it in that i don't have any, lol.

Some people assume you can't have weird sexual or romantic relationships. They say you can't be in a relationship just for the sex. They say you can't love someone who you never have sex with. They say you can't have multiple partners, or partners that are not platonic, romantic, or sexual. They say you can't have a best friend who you fuck, or sleep around with strangers. There's this weirdly strict attitude about what these types of relationships should look like.

But friends? People think they can just decide they're your friend on your behalf. They think that you can be friends without ever having met. They decide you're their best friend, that you're friends because you talked once.

Why? What if I want to treat platonic relationships with specific boundaries? What if I wait for the right moment to ask someone to be my friend? What if I just hang out with a bunch of like-minded people for fun but never officially call them my friends? What if my romantic and sexual relationships never involve friendship?

Why is there such a weird expectation of friendship, and yet sex and romance has to follow very specific rules?

[aceofenbies]

so stevie boebi (the cisgender lesbian who said a transgender man was her lesbian awakening) made a video criticising the term "monosexual". spoiler: it was bs.

here's some of her talking points:

"people use the term monosexual for all lesbians": not true, when we say monosexual we mean monosexual, if you're a lesbian who isn't monosexual, we're not actually talking about you, not everything is about you.

"monosexual lesbians don't exist": oh okay, i guess all the lesbians who say they're exclusively attracted to women no longer exist because your personal experience differs.

"the term monosexual lumps me in with the oppressor by saying i'm basically like a straight man": oh, like terfs saying that the term cisgender is bad because it lumps them in with the oppressor and basically says cisgender women are like cisgender men? it's called intersectionality, it's about who is and isn't systemically oppressed by monosexism, it doesn't mean all monosexuals are alike, and grouping in different groups happens all the time, like when we talk about abled people, we're talking about queers and nonqueers alike, yet no one cries about "being lumped in with the oppressor" then. it's just a way to shut down any conversation about intracommunity privilege and structural bimisia. also, newsflash: straightnees isn't always monosexual either. we're not lumping them in with straight people, we're lumping them in with monosexuals.

"people only use the word monosexual to claim that lesbianism isn't queer enough, complex enough, too simple, and that being bi+ is superior": at this point you're just pulling shit out of your arse and making up a bi person to be mad at because none of us are saying any of this, honestly it tends to be the other way round.

bonus points for "non men loving non men" and "not being attracted to men makes us free" because the terf train is entering the station.

they'll do anything to find a reason to shit on bi people, huh.

[aceofenbies]

i hate the common use of "acespec" to mean "on the asexual spectrum but not strictly ace".

since when are black stripe asexuals no longer on the asexual spectrum, aka the acespec? you all really out here acting like black stripe aces aren't ace?

there already is a term for "on the asexual spectrum but not strictly/black stripe ace".

the term is greysexual, or grey ace.

the asexual spectrum is for all of us and i can't believe this even has to be said.

it shouldn't be controversial or weird for me to say i'm on the ace spectrum while being a black stripe ace.

[aceofenbies]

found this demiromantic flag and i love it so much

[aceofenbies]

you all know that people will call romantic relationships without sex/sexual attraction "not real", "just close friends", "just roommates", claim they're failed versions of "proper" romantic relationships, constantly put them below allo relationships, and you all are still out here acting like alloromantic aces aren't negatively affected by amatonormativity because you think it's "aro-exclusive" (which is wrong on so many levels)

sex and sexual attraction are still very much considered part of romance and romantic relationships. aces in romantic relationships are seen as having failed at romance across the board precisely because we don't fit the amatonormative ideal.

and don't come here saying "but hookups exist! sex isn't considered part of romance!" because a) social norms are often contradictory and don't make sense and are applied to different people in different ways and b) sex/sexual attraction is pretty much considered the basis for romance, hence people think casual sex or friends with benefits "can't work" because having sex means someone will eventually catch romantic feelings, hence the whole "sexual + platonic = romantic" and people actually do believe that, even if they don't realise.

asexual people are literally missing what is seen as the basis for romance. were categorically excluded from "real romance" because we're "doing it wrong" and that is amatonormativity.

[aceofenbies]

it's because manhood is seen as bad and womanhood is seen as good. it's considered understandable for a nonbinary person or transgender woman not to like being called a man. if a nonbinary person or transgender man doesn't want to be called a woman though, then we're secretly misogynistic and only reject being called a woman because we think womanhood is a bad thing.

because why would we ever want to distance ourselves from something as inherently pure as womanhood?

and i've seen some nonbinary people and transgender men even do this themselves and say "i don't get upset when people call me a woman because i don't think womanhood is an insult". you're right. womanhood is not an insult. being misgendered is,

and to me as a nonbinary person being called a man or a woman is equally bad, but people don't want to acknowledge nonbinary people hating being misgendered in both ways because then they'd have to admit that their argument about us thinking womanhood is a bad thing is actually bullshit.

It sort of feels like a subset of people feel that when a trans man is called a woman, it doesn't count as misgendering.

There are a couple of reasons for this. They are all sexist and misogynistic.

[aceofenbies]

"but you have an easier time passing as your AGAB when you don't medically transition"

firstly it's not "passing" it's being fucking closeted, it's detransition

secondly, no i don't lol, people harassed me over my genitals & gender when i still had long hair

thirdly why the fuck would you suggest that any transgender person should just go back and detransition. the closet is not an option, it's death before detransition and you can pry my gender from my cold dead hands.

[aceofenbies]

idk why people tend to act like only medical transition has any bad repercussions when social and legal transition too are constantly under attack

trying to ban using someone's correct name or pronouns at the workplace or school, outing kids who socially transition at school to their parents, the whole bathroom thing, the fact that legal transition is impossible for british nonbinary people, the fact that legal transition in general was made very difficult in germany for the longest time until last november and that nonbinary germans couldn't legally transition until just a few years ago, the fact that the US is destroying passports of people who legally transitioned, the fact that german bureaucracy makes it so that social transition sometimes requires legal transition because a lot of places will refuse to change your name if you don't have legal documents, that an X in your passport makes if dangerous to go to certain places, that the mere concept of pronouns is mocked to death, that nongendered terminology for gendered languages is mocked to death, that places in germany are actively banning the use of nonbinary-inclusive language, that i got mocked at my graduation ceremony for daring to ask for inclusive language, that my second ever therapist refused to actually help me with my real problem because all he wanted to talk about was my gender, that my loan with my bank kept getting denied over and over until we realised it was because my Mx title caused a problem in their system, the fact that i had to fight for my legal transition for 6 years all the way up until i was signing my paperwork because they falsely forced a middle name on me, that socially transitioning at school increased bullying, slur calling etc, that transgender people "coincidentally" became a debate topic in class after i came out, constantly legislating transgender people out of existence and so much more

none of these have anything to do with medical transition and yet they're actively making transgender people's lives harder or even dangerous, fucking with our health and livelihood. or do you all really think these are someone exclusive to medical transition.

[aceofenbies]

"but medically transitioning people can relate more to the binary transgender experience!"

i mean firstly that's not even necessarily true because binary transgenderness is about more than medical transition. medical transition is so diverse, it often looks a bit different for nonbinary people. then there are also binary transgender people who don't medically transition (which no one, absolutely no one, seems to want to acknowledge) who will relate to the binary transgender experience because that's... well, what they are. of course nonbinary people can relate to the binary transgender experience in some way, for example if there are also similarities in identity; the community of nonbinary transfeminine people and binary transgender women seems to be quite tight-knit. i know though that many nonbinary people who do not fall more on the other side of the binary don't relate to the binary transgender experience, particularly if they have some connection to their AGAB, even if they do medically transition.

relating to someone over a medical thing of obviously a thing, there's actually a big difference between relating to someone over a certain medical experience and relating to their lived experience as a whole. a personal example: i have glaucoma and i take 5 eye drops every day. someone else could also have glaucoma and take 5 eye drops every day but have way more vision than me. i'm more likely to relate to blind people with various conditions who share my lived experience than someone with the same condition as me who lives a very different life. sure, we might talk about our medication and medical procedures, but that's about it.

now, secondly, the more important thing: so what? so what if nonbinary people who don't medically transition don't relate to the binary transgender experience? what if none of us do? why is binary transgenderness the identity and experience we have to be measured against, compared to? how much i relate to binary transgenderness does not determine my validity as a transgender person because binary transgenderness is not the peak of transgender existence.

using binary logic of any kind on nonbinary people is deeply harmful and hardly ever makes any sense. you're looking at us through a lens that doesn't perceive our truth, hence we are so misunderstood.