almostmydiary-blog

[almostmydiary-blog]

“Is it unprofessional to have scabs? Because I’m afraid that I do. I’m afraid that I can’t keep a hood up longer than thirty seconds. I skip mediums and work til the early morning. I’m afraid I’m fresh out of the right things. I came alone, save for the sneaky notch in my diaphragm. It catches whenever I get too close to being at home here. I feel it on the train. I feel it on my own. I cut my hair to shake it off, because it’s all I can control. In the forefront of my mind, there is a small shimmering dream, Where I move to the countryside with a small blue bicycle and a small blue cat, and I start to wear colour and I sell flowers, or ice cream. I make simple joy. I make simple joy. I make simple joy. I paint in the evenings, play country songs on my porch with my ridiculously charming friends. Something delicious is simmering. I drink sangria with no guilt. Drink juice with fervour. I don’t need to crunch. I am not grit. There is nothing anyone can take away from me there, because there is who I am. There, I am full. I am allowed to be enough, there.”

— slicker | ishani jasmin (via ishanijasmin)

[almostmydiary-blog]

types of writer:

fountain pen; the smell of old, well loved books, vanilla candles, over-dramatic, early hours of morning, robins, the crunch of leaves, the sound of a piano, flowers pressed in a book

pen; quick-witted, trusting, cherry coke, highlighters, organised planners, smell of jasmine, dew drops, ringing laughter, herbal tea, singing with the car radio, bubbly lemonade

pencil; messy hair, blooming flowers, art sketches, falling quickly in love, toothy-grins, hot-chocolate, rows of lavender, filled notebooks, sitting cross-legged, dancing in your room

electronic; coffee, smell of perfume, minimalism, late night hours, a slight chill in the air, the heavy patter of rain, playing with your friends hair, black jeans, grin permanently plastered on your face

[almostmydiary-blog]

fake fake fake

I smile

I laugh

“I’m okay”

I walk to class

I do homework

I talk

but all the while

I am empty a

hollow space taken root in my mind

in my organs

empty

and when the day is done

I sit under the blankets

and breathe

.

I am the worlds greatest actor

I can pretend to be anything I want

but that doesn’t make me that thing

I can’t make it

I can only fake it

One day this is supposed to go away

I’ll be able to

breathe

and think

And smile without being someone else

.

everytime I open my mouth it feels

As though it is coming from outside of me

From someone else

an alien

who has taken over my brain

Moving my limbs

forcing my lips to smile

but that alien can’t control my thoughts

anxious and worried

helpless and hopeless

that alien can’t control my lungs

which feel perforated

As if someone had grated them when I wasn’t

looking

and every breath I take in

disappears

.

I am fake

A fraud

and so are my friends really my friends

If they like fake me?

if they don’t actually know me?

even if I shed this skin

I don’t know what i would be

which is almost scarier

so my only option is to

smile

And nod

and let that alien control me

so I make it another day

fake until the day

i die

[almostmydiary-blog]

alone, afraid

I don’t want to go to the thing,

I had told you, stubbornly

I’ll be afraid, and then I’ll be alone

You looked confused

Why would you be alone?

I’m always alone?

don’t you notice?

I am not around you

I hide under blankets and pajamas

behind tv screens and social media

don’t you realize how little time we actually

Spend together?

.

so yeah, I’ll be alone

and being alone and afraid

is never a good combo

do you know how it feels

To be so worried about being afraid

that you avoid everything that you could

fear, at all costs??

I didn’t think so

to so desperately not want to have

panic attacks

that I stay in my room day in and out

shut my door

lock everything away

and then if they happen there,

at least no one sees

No one knows what happened

I can pretend everything is fine

when I open my door again

.

you will never know

how debilitating

this feels

not being able

To go anywhere

do anything

alone,

and even when I’m with people I trust,

it only helps because I know

they’ll take care of me if it goes wrong,

right?

or maybe not,

so maybe it’s best not to go anyways

so I’ll just stay here

and lie on my floor

more time to do homework?

no

because I can’t think

my mind is consumed with how

I’m going to get to my next class

or meeting

and be okay

consumed by

how useless and pathetic I am

for not being able to beat this

by how hard it must be to be my friend

by how I don’t deserve friends

by how people would look at me different

by what would happen if they knew

by how I could have a panic attack at any

moment

so no

I can’t do my homework

because all I can think about is

if I can live

right now or in the future

.

is this living?

not really

this is pain

and hurt

and illness

and disability

and fear

and anger

and depression

and trauma

and anxiety

but I’ll tell you I’m okay

because I truly wish that were true

it would be so much better than being

alone and afraid

[almostmydiary-blog]

and one day I will be free free from the ropes That bind me that freeze my limbs my lungs my life that steal my seconds and invade my personality free from shaking hands and unsteady thoughts from swirling vortexes and black holes one day I will be free from myself

(8/3)

[almostmydiary-blog]

I don’t care about you

Why do you care so much about how you look?

they ask this, looking at my

painted lips

adorned wrists

planned outfits

if you must ask

Then you don’t understand

that this is more than clothes

and makeup and jewelry but my

armor and shield and sword

this is how I protect myself

my soft kind self

from those who want to attack

my fleshy stomach and sensitive mind

the jangle of my bracelets protecting

my wrists and covering up any noise

I can’t stand to hear

my sweaters wrap around me as if they were

friends

covering up my shyness

protecting me from the world

a layer to hide

makeup covering up stories

that I don’t want to share with the world

can’t you respect my privacy?

I only show

You one version of myself

but that’s because you don’t know me

so you don’t

Deserve

to see me stripped of my protections

my exterior

my armor

I have earned the right to hide what I want and

I’m not hiding myself

just my stories that I don’t want to share

with the whole world

at once

so no I don’t care about how I really look

I don’t care what you think about me

I care about what I have to say to people

I care about having freedom within me

I care about protecting my thoughts and feelings but

most of all

I don’t really care about you at all,

I care about myself

[almostmydiary-blog]

Better?

how are you??

oh, you know, I’m doing better

but what you don’t know is that

before was so terrible

so overwhelmingly ugly

that it does not take too much

to be better

so maybe i am doing a bit better

but still not great or good or even really

okay

.

one day everything will be okay

is what I’ve heard,

I’ll be glad for everything I went through

maybe I will?

but honestly I doubt it

who has walked through fire and been glad for it?

even if it does make me stronger or better

I still wouldn’t wish this upon anyone

nightmares and panic and fear and worry

laying on the floor, not moving

paralyzed by my mind

this is better tho than before

I feel like that says more about how it was before

than it does about right now

.

hope

can only hold me up for so long

hope

That there will be a day I live through okay

But I think I’m running out of it

I can’t see that day

and honestly?

I don’t think it exists

I think this shadow will taunt me forever

even if it shrinks

it won’t ever go away

.

not really good or great or even okay

and I don’t know if I ever will be

but what else is there for me to do

other than smile through this pain

and dance in this darkness?

I swallow my fears, allowing them to

rip apart my insides,

which is better than letting them out

but you don’t need to know any of this

you want to hear

yeah, it’s better, I’m doing better

so you can breathe relief and let go of your worry and

I wish I could do the same

[almostmydiary-blog]

[almostmydiary-blog]

Does it matter what I think

If every time you ask me

I’ll just lie anyways?

[almostmydiary-blog]

Somehow

my body is heavy

but restless

at the same time

wanting to run a marathon

and

never move another centimeter

Again

I want to scream for all eternity into the abyss

and

never speak another whisper again

.

somehow

I want to hold my friend and hug them and talk to them

and also

isolate myself from all human contact

eat as much ice cream as I can and

Never eat again

.

somehow

I’ve become a paradox,

Pandora’s box,

Wanting to break off my restraints and run free

But worried about the damage

I leave in my wake

The lives I’ve changed and altered,

People who are exhausted of my

endless persistence and

problems

.

I think I’m also afraid that

if someone opens me up

all the pieces of myself will fall away from me

All my protections ripped down

and I’ll never be able to close myself

again

[almostmydiary-blog]

The castle

there are times where I feel so

So

alone

small and tired

fighting against the spinning of the earth

Trying to get it to stop

For just one second

there is no one else with me

I feel that i must hide parts of myself

deep inside

like how you would hide your dirty laundry

Under the bed and in the closet

to talk to people

to make friends

I can’t show them everything

I smile

I laugh

But there is one thought I have with every second and every conversation

can they tell???

by looking at me, can they see my tired my lonely my sad my anxious

peeking through?

can they tell my history my past my terrors my nightmares

creeping through my brain?

can they see the boogeyman that haunts me?

because if they can

then all the work I’m doing hiding

and running and faking it

is meaningless and pointless

if they can,

do they even care?

or do they just pretend not to notice

to keep up my illusion that

Everything is fine

there is a moat around me

and I am the castle

formidable

Unnaproachable

cut off from everyone else

so who knows what haunts

my empty corridors

and honestly

does anyone care?

[almostmydiary-blog]

Tar

how long can I go

without speaking?

for speaking betrays

my worries, my fears

my voice, wobbling and low pitch

hides no secrets from those that listen

So rather than be caught

I must be silent

.

how long can I go

without moving?

for moving betrays

My shaking body, restless body

full of emptiness and jitters

hollow bones and empty organs

where someone has placed pure

anxiety

instead

I must be still

.

how long can I go

without breathing?

for breathing betrays

my uneven breath

hyperventilating,

my lungs missing

my body reaching for oxygen

to fuel itself

to survive

I mustn’t breathe

.

how long can I go

without feeling?

for feeling Hurts

stabbing me, gutting my soul and scraping my bones

rendering me powerless

it skews my thoughts and whispers lies

in my ear

it replaces everything it took with tar

immovable

unspeakable

unbreathable

Tar, seeping into my mind, my blood, my hair

stealing my dreams, my hopes, my wishes

until all I see is tar

empty

.

how long can I go

Living like this?

a half life,

where my single goal is to shrink myself

Hide beneath a facade

a mask

fooling others into thinking

I’m great! Everything is well!

trying to become less space

Less work

Less time

.

how far will I go to keep this up?

how many pieces will I crack myself into?

how long can I go?

eventually I must tear down the walls I’ve built

empty my body of tar

eventually

I must stop

[almostmydiary-blog]

Maybe I do need saving

I feel like I have been told

that I don’t need saving

We can be our own hero

We don’t have to wait for anyone

no knight in shining armor here

just You, the Sole warrior

except I think

That’s bullshit.

.

My dragons slither into my head

At night, circling me like a vice

crushing me

how can I fight this

When I don’t even know it’s happening?

I have no protection

I just assume that these dragons

these demons

these monsters

are right,

truthtellers,

maybe even friends?

.

that’s not something I can fight by myself

but I don’t quite need a knight

why must we either do it ourselves

Or wait for romance?

why can I not ask my friends to come

to my battleground?

to sit next to me and hold my hand

to lend me their strength

to use their words as swords

Slashing out the serpents toungues

freeing me momentarily

.

I know

that I’m the only one that can stop them from coming

that can create the bubble of protection

I so desperately need

that friends help is only temporary

and can’t remove the roots

of this evil tree

only I can do that

but why can’t they fend off the immediate threats

so I can focus on pulling out the weed?

.

I already feel alone enough

must I really isolate myself more

such that I can prove myself,

As if this would do it,

by trying

and, most likely failing,

to take it all on myself?

there is no “chosen one” here

and if there was

I would not be them

I cannot fight any battle alone

.

but yet, I am told by

The thoughts that slither to my brain

and the society that discredits me

that unless I can do it alone

unless I can bravely attack them each time

I am weak

and useless

and sometimes I do feel that

I feel it to my core when I’m struck during

A normal day

I feel it when I’m laying awake at night

alone

helpless

weak

and it guts me, replacing my organs and bones

with an empty, slimy feeling

but luckily

I have others who love me dearly

hold me tightly and

protect me fiercely

who, when I tell them this,

Tell them that I must do this alone

the Sole Warrior, so brave and heroic,

they look at me and say

that’s bullshit

[almostmydiary-blog]

I’m floating on water

being held delicately

by the currents that swirl

dangerously below

held up away

from everything

everyone

nothing can touch me here

.

My body floats on water

Detached from the world

Supported

I could not hold myself here

even if I wanted to

the water cradles me

knowing I would let myself drown

.

My hair spreads across the water

reaching for an invisible end

moving about me as if

it can heal my soul

my heart

my mind

but in the end

it can’t

.

my fingers spread across the water

half in

half out

I barely feel them

when I close my eyes

I can’t distinguish what is above or below the water

my limbs feel distant and far away

as if they are not connected

.

my ears sink below the water

a blanket falls over my hearing

there is no world above and below me

there is only nothing

the world is silent

.

my eyes sink below the water

the coolness soothing me

icing my scalp and brain

there is only nothing

the world is black entirely

.

my body is sinking

and the water absorbs me

soft and

delicate

a bed of feathers I now lie in

I am consumed

.

my body is flowing

I don’t control it

but it moves

something pulling it farther and farther

below, away

from everything

everyone

to where there is nothing

only nothing

but if i don’t control it

who does?

What does?

[almostmydiary-blog]

Panic

the first time you saw me panic

well, I don’t remember it too well

but I know I had shaking hands

unsteady breath

numb feet

locked tongue

I know I couldn’t breathe

I was choking for air

no one else was around

and so you were there

.

I gripped on to your shirt

like it was the only thing

tying me to this earth

to me, it was

you held my hands

and stroked my hair

and gently reminded me to breathe

even though I could not

it will end

You said

.

I could deal with it myself

I know that

but I couldn’t get my meds

I couldn’t open the bottle

with my trembling hands

so I had texted you to help me

.

after I took them, I stuttered

saying i would be okay

you can leave

but you looked at me

surprised

And told me you wouldn’t leave me like this

honestly?

selfishly?

I was happy when you said that

you would fight the demons

that came for me at night

the fear that stole

My breath

.

I knew it was scary for you

to see me that way

I knew you must’ve been worried

but even when I tried to force an answer out of my lips

When I stumbled over the words

My tongue moving a beat to late

you pulled me in and said

Shhhhh

you’re okay now

don’t worry

and honestly?

I almost believed you

(8/6)

[almostmydiary-blog]

Putting yourself first and making sure your happiness is taken care of is so important to your happiness and to your health.

[almostmydiary-blog]

Love, Peace and Pokee - By Mr.Pokee