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[aro-botic]

That stomach churning feeling when you're reading a book and a woman's approach to sex and romance reads as very aromantic but you're sure that part of her emotional arc in the book is going to involve her "settling down" or opening herself up to romance because that's how these women's stories always go. A person's penchant for casual sex and no romance is only ever brought up if they're going to be "fixed" at some point in the narrative.

[aro-botic]

I see a lot of confessions about aros/aces who thought they were weird for not experiencing allo attraction, but is there anyone who just thought that everyone else was weird? Like I literally thought that everyone my age while growing up was just dramatic and drunk on hormones. Friends and I would sit back and watch people and be like, “Wow. That’s fucking ridiculous,” and then they’d get crushes and while they weren’t as dramatic about them and I was still happy for them (usually) I would just, “Okay I have no idea how long this’ll last but we’re literally sophomores so probably not long.” That probably sounds bad but I thought everyone else was odd and weird and obsessive for the longest time until I learned that they… actually feel those emotions. Like there’s actually a strong drive behind all of these things. And I still think it’s weird but at the same time, eh. Maybe the real weird were the friends we made along the way.

[aro-botic]

i made a post abt how people shouldnt ship a confirmed aroace character bc its arophobic and erasing his identity and now alloromantic and other aros are attacking me and idk what to do

Aw man I'm so sorry that's happening to you, especially when you're 100% right and those people are being arophobic and all around gross.

My biggest advice would probably be to create some kind of space away from that noise. You could do this by engaging in the (very difficult and kind of naive) strategy of switching off any apps/devices/notifications that are bringing the harassment to you, and just fully disengage from the digital world until it's all blown over. Or you could create a separate account that you use as a safe space, ideally filled with affirming content without all the negativity.

Regardless of how the rest of your life is going, being bombarded with hate for simply trying to make the world a little kinder to aspecs is going to drag you down. Make sure you're grounding yourself in some positivity and try not to engage with the people who are probably going to try to bait you into fighting with them, neither of you are going to get anything out of an interaction like that. And remember that you aren't losing anything by not engaging. Stating your position and then not rising to fight people about it is perfectly fine if you don't feel like you're going to be able to make headway with the people you're engaging with. Plus it still shows any aspecs who might see your words that they have allies.

As far as the other aros attacking you, that's shit of them. I can kiiiiinda see an argument here that it's fine to reinterpret and change characters to make them more fun for people to engage with in fandom, but honestly I agree with you that shipping a specified aro character is gross af. People would never excuse someone shipping a gay character in a het relationship in the same way as they do shipping an aro character in a romantic relationship.

[aro-botic]

I'm aroace but i really like the idea of being in love, and i wish that i could be. it just sounds so nice. Can someone be aromantic and still want to be in a relationship?

Of course they can! Aromanticism is defined by feelings of romantic attraction not by how much you want to be in a relationship. The distinction can be tricky, but it's definitely possible to be aro and still want a relationship (try looking into romance favourable/romance positive for some people who relate). It's even possible to be aro and still feel some levels of romantic attraction (look into greyromantic or grayromantic depending on your spelling)

Hope that helps, Anon, thanks for the ask!

[aro-botic]

Hey, so for years now I’ve been wondering whether I’ve even had crushes. I’ve had crushes on celebs and find men in movies and stuff hot and in person as well but have only had like 3 crushes but idk if that was because other people liked that person or I actually liked them. And I would never make a move on someone so I don’t know how to start a realationship but I want one but I’ve never had that deep connection. I had a friend whom I was super close to and felt a connection towards but faded.

Hi!

I'm not super clear on what you're wanting out of this ask sorry 😅

But if you're trying to see if these are experiences that aro people have then I would say absolutely!

Having crushes doesn't exclude you from being aromantic , plenty of aros have some romantic feelings. I'd look into grey/grayromantics, demiromantics, aroflux if you want to know more about some of those.

If it's a confusion between whether the feelings were romantic or sexual, then that's one I can definitely relate to in my earlier aro years, and aromantic allosexual/aroallo might be a good tag to dig through for some support.

Unfortunately I've for sure never had any crushes so I'm kind of the worst person to ask if feelings count as crushing lol

But maybe some of my followers can offer some more insight than me into the distinction between having a crush and convincing yourself you're having one?

[aro-botic]

There are multiple kinds love, none are better, and all of them are important. So this is a great day to send some love to your friends and tell them how much they mean to you !

(Yellow roses represent platonic bonds, kindness, affection)

[aro-botic]

The allo/aro solidarity we all need

[aro-botic]

ace and aro experiences are inherently queer

[aro-botic]

Some things that helped me realise I was aromantic:

When I was eight my life goal was to be single hiker who travelled the forests of Europe alone

All my crushes were people I wanted to be better friends with

When my ex-gf was cuddling with me I wanted to yeet myself out the window

It was seriously the most uncomfortable thing ever I was timing it to see when would be an acceptable moment to leave

My deeper crushes were pure physical desire

I saw romance as an asset to aid me in the future

My dating life existed due to peer pressure and crushing denial (i also didn’t want to hurt anyones feeling and agreed cause ‘it can’t be that bad, romance is just hugging + spice’)

I literally cannot understand like. Anything. About love. Or how people describe it. Like how? I feel like people are lying when they say they’re in love

I only fantasied about romance when it wasn’t about me (between my otp, fictional characters etc.)

Everyone has different experiences when coming to terms with/realising their identity. These are just mine. Yours could be similar or maybe not. I just wanted to put this out there because I know posts like this have helped me in the past :)

[aro-botic]

I'm alloaro, and don't use a label other than allosexual for my sexual attraction. Fight me.

[aro-botic]

I'm kinda questioning if I'm aro or not. I already know for sure that I'm ace, but aro seems similar to my experiences but idk if it is me.

I really want a romantic relationship, but romantic attraction and platonic attraction feel exactly the same to me. I can't stand the thought of being kissed, I have trauma relating to the word "boyfriend", and when I actually get into a relationship, I usually drop it within two weeks because of a growing sense of dread about the whole thing. But I really really WANT a monogamous partner to cuddle with me and steal my jackets. But romantic and platonic attraction is exactly the same when I feel it. Is this aro stuff?

(To be clear, this isn't me asking permission to use a label, this is me asking if the people who use this label are like me)

Hi anon!

There are definitely people out there like you, and I would hazard to guess that many aros relate to what you've described. This definitely sounds like something that I've seen other aros discussing, however I personally don't want a relationship at all, and can be pretty romance repulsed so I can't really expand on the specifics.

I'd recommend you check out #romance positive if you need any affirmation or want to look around for any aros who can relate more.

Otherwise, I'll open this to any followers I may have who experience similar feelings or have resources to point to (if they want to) 😊

[aro-botic]

I'm kinda questioning if I'm aro or not. I already know for sure that I'm ace, but aro seems similar to my experiences but idk if it is me.

I really want a romantic relationship, but romantic attraction and platonic attraction feel exactly the same to me. I can't stand the thought of being kissed, I have trauma relating to the word "boyfriend", and when I actually get into a relationship, I usually drop it within two weeks because of a growing sense of dread about the whole thing. But I really really WANT a monogamous partner to cuddle with me and steal my jackets. But romantic and platonic attraction is exactly the same when I feel it. Is this aro stuff?

(To be clear, this isn't me asking permission to use a label, this is me asking if the people who use this label are like me)

Hi anon!

There are definitely people out there like you, and I would hazard to guess that many aros relate to what you've described. This definitely sounds like something that I've seen other aros discussing, however I personally don't want a relationship at all, and can be pretty romance repulsed so I can't really expand on the specifics.

I'd recommend you check out #romance positive if you need any affirmation or want to look around for any aros who can relate more.

Otherwise, I'll open this to any followers I may have who experience similar feelings or have resources to point to (if they want to) 😊

[aro-botic]

Hello! Was inspired by a previous ask and I thought Id share my experience a little. Im allo and my queer platonic partner is aro! They came out as aro after we had gotten really close and I got a crush. I was very nervous at first talking about my feelings cause I desperately didn’t want to make them uncomfortable or make them feel forced into anything or lose them as my friend. I made sure to ask what they wanted IF they wanted anything and made clear I would be fine continuing as friends. They did like the idea of something but were unsure about a label so we went from friends who communicate about our relationship to now qpps! Our qpr is a commitment to each other because we both have strong feelings, eventhough those feelings aren’t the same. We had a long discussion talking about boundaries and what is and isn’t okay and I have tried to actively encourage continually talking about boundaries and consent. They like physical affection but can sometimes be romance averse so I always ask them if they want a kiss or a hug or just a good night (and I am not hurt by any choice over the other). It’s actually been really fun and fulfilling focusing on more diverse and platonic shows of affection rather than normative romantic stuff. They don’t usually say I love you (and I know when they do it is different than how I say it) but I always feel their care for me. Ive also affirmed to them that I am not just waiting for them to come around to romance. I am very happy with what we have.

Ive been reading and following aro blogs to try and understand more. I know there are many non-partnering aros and aros with different boundaries and I go feral hearing how yall get disrespected or dismissed or invalidated. There are probably some allos for whom a qpp is not a good fit but its very easy to just respect and defend aro and ace people and identities. And truly, making my partner and friend feel comfortable and cared for? No better feeling in the world.

So also thanks to you for sharing aro stories and being great! Hope you have a good day!

Hi anon!

Thanks so much for sharing, this made my day so much brighter, and I'm sure it'll make the days of other aros who read this brighter as well 😊💚

[aro-botic]

I'm a bit shy about this but I wanted to ask.

I don't really know how a crush feels. not that I'm looking to date anyone, but every time a friend describes their crush/partner, that just seems to me like... having a friend. I would totally take my friend on a "date". I wouldn't kiss 'em, but I don't really want to kiss anybody.

I see people describing their crush as a flutter. I've gotten flutters! but they go away. they never come back. I have people who's presence I love and adore! I'm not even close to them. I just want to be around them. I don't want to date them. seeing them happy is enough.

maybe I'm expecting "love at first sight" but i really wish that fluttery feeling would stay. my definition of friend is everyone else's definition of crush, and it's kinda stressing me out. not because I suddenly think that I have a crush on my friend. but because I don't know what that means for my definition of romantic attraction. it's just kind of silly, really. I don't want to date anyone, I'm not ready for that. this is one of the reasons why.

I'd just appreciate some help. is there a word for this? am I "aromantic" under any definition of the word? is this how other people have felt before?

Hey anon!

Sorry for the delay in replying to this, I'm awful at replying to asks within a reasonable timeframe these days haha

In regards to you question(s), I can absolutely empathize with the confusion. I've had similar conversations with friends about what they think about, and how they experience, romance and honestly it never gets less confusing (at least in my experience).

The fluttering you're describing could be described as a squish, which is sort of like a crush, but in a platonic sense rather than a romantic one. Or it might be something else entirely that is unrelated to romance or attraction.

Of course, I have to give the mandatory "I can't tell you what you're feeling or assign you an identity, it's important for you to explore the options and come to one yourself" spiel. But the things you describe definitely match up to my experience of aromanticism! When I was younger I just thought that "crushes" were girls wanting to be friends with boys (or vis versa) but convincing themselves it was love bc that's what they saw on TV (I thought this about adults too lol, it was a real can of heteronormativity with a buunch of confused baby aro feelings).

The tl;dr is that you're absolutely not alone in these feelings, and that you can definitely call them aromantic if you want to. I think a lot of people assume that because aros don't experience romantic attraction, we'd have some big hole of feelings in us and must always be aware that "something" was missing, but honestly, often it's just feeling like romance categorically doesn't map onto your emotional understanding of the world.

It can be very confusing to figure out if the way you think about/experience romance is a way that fits with the aro community, but I wish you all the luck and hope this helps you feel a little less alone in the confusion!

[aro-botic]

Hi! I'm questioning my romantic orientation and I was wondering if you could help me. I think my ability to fall in love faded over time (but I haven't got any trauma so I can't be caedromantic). I've been in love once, but a few years after that I've been in relationships with people I felt a strong attachment to, a platonic and sensual attraction, but never romantic feelings (butterflies etc). Can I be considered aromantic? Is there a label that fits my experience better?

Thanks for the ask!

Not that you need my permission for it, but you can absolutely call yourself aro. 💚

For a simple analogy it's like going bald. Saying you're bald now doesn't imply you've never had any hair, nor does it say that you will never have any hair in the future. It's simply a descriptor for your current self. Similarly, saying you're aro doesn't mean you have never and will never experience romantic attraction, it just means that you don't right now (or that you experience very little of it, or only in specific contexts, but that doesn't map as well to being bald haha)

People (and their attraction) are dynamic and change all the time. If you think that your experiences would best be described as aro then definitely use that label! I'm not aware of any other labels that might also fit other than greyromantic maybe, but there are plenty of glossaries and resources in the aro tags to help you find others if you need.

[aro-botic]

Hi! Lately i'm confused whether i'm aromantic or demiromantic. Could you help me figuring it out?

As for right now, i identify as agender demipanromantic asexual. But i've been confused whether am i demiromantic ( falling in the aromantic spectrum) or am i aromantic. So basically, I don't know whether am i an angled aroace or am i an oriented aroace.

I have difficulties differentiating types of attraction/love (except sexual, since i know i don't feel any sexual attraction). I know every kind of attraction and love is just as important, but i'd like to know how to differentiate it yknow?

I'm 16. And i (thought) i had 3 crushes or people that i loved throughout my whole life.

The first one is a guy that i liked since i was in 1st until 6th grade, i told some people and even convinced myself that he was my first love. But was he? When i also loved my bestfriends the way i loved him. Did i romantically love him, or did i feel i needed to love someone, because ever since i was so young having a crush was considered important. Did i love him romantically or did i love him platonically because at that moment, he was the only decent guy i knew, and he was a kind person. As someone who was heavily bullied ever since i was a kid, i think i loved him because he was the only one who defended me when i was bullied, he was a genuine person.

The second one, is a girl i met in junior high school. She was my bestfriend and someone i thought as my platonic soulmate, by how deep our friendship was. I loved her, i know i did. But after rethinking, did i love her romantically, or did i love her platonically, or maybe i loved her with a mix of both? When our friendship ended because she picked popularity over me, i was devastated. The person i loved, stopped loving me. I lost my bestfriend. Over something so dumb. She started making rumours about me with popular people who bullied me, and it hurted a lot. I never did it back to her, even if i could, just for revenge, because i cared for her, and i loved her. Rethinking back, i thought what i had for her is purely romantic love. But i didn't think it was, it was either platonic, or a mix of both platonic and romantic.

The third one, is with my current lover. We're in a long distance relationship. I met them through tumblr, and we clicked instantly. We talked and got to know with eachother for a few days, and we finally decided to date eachother. Future or past me would probably scoff at me for getting into a committed relationship that fast, especially when i had a traumatic and abusive relationship before i met them. But no one, even the people i've ever loved in the past, had ever made me feel this way. I never felt so loved, and i know how genuine it is, there's no ulterior motive behind it. This is the first relationship where i loved someone, and they loved me back. Most importantly our relationship is healthy, we communicate a lot.

But sometimes i'm afraid i'm not good enough for them. I couldn't differentiate kinds of love and attraction. But i know i love them. I love and cherish them so much. But what if my love isn't enough for them, because it's not the type of love they want or deserve?

One day if we ever meet, i would love to hold hands with them, hug and cuddle with them, go on dates, spend time with eachother, and also kiss eachother. But isn't doing all of those things, not exclusively categorized as romantic love? You can do those even with someone you don't romantically love. And that's why i'm confused with who i am, am i aromantic? or am i demiromantic? what is romantic attraction or love even. Isn't "love is love"? Why are there so many types of it and how do i even know the difference between them.

Is my relationship with my lover, queerplatonic? or alterous? or something else? i don't even know. I just know that i love them...but is it enough?

Hey anon, thanks for the ask!

I'm not sure if I'm the absolute best person to help with this one as I've never experienced anything I'd say resembles romantic attraction, and therefore have no real grasp on what the differences are. I've also never been in a relationship and have no desire to, so honestly I'd say to take all of the specific relationship advice with a healthy dose of skepticism 😅😅

I will say my biggest advice for situations like this is to not stress the details too much. From my perspective the label you choose won't affect the relationship you're in beyond having a label to give it. It doesn't seem like either of you have got any conflict or questions over what you want out of your current relationship, and I can't see why deciding you prefer the label aromantic over demiromantic (or vice versa) would change that. As long as the two of you have good communication and are confident enough to ask for what you want then you'll be fine.

On your final sentence: yeah your love is enough. Your partner chose you and continues to do so by staying in the relationship. You need to trust them to know what they want, and trust yourself enough to know that if eventually they decide they don't want to be with you it isn't because you or your relationship style weren't "enough". Allo people have the same issues in their relationships all the time, and often people's boundaries and expectations just aren't compatible regardless of the "depth" of their love.

Ik that's not particularly helpful for the question you asked but I hope it helps take the pressure off. Labels aren't meant to be things you know 100% they're tools to help you explain your experiences to others.

Sorry for not being able to give you some more concrete advice, but I think finding a label is a pretty personal thing, and it can take a while to settle on one. Or you might never feel like you want to. For example, when it comes to my sexuality all I know is that it exists. I don't bother to label it more specifically than that bc I can't distinguish very well between the kinds of attraction that might lead me to want to have sex with someone, or the contexts they might come up in, or who they might be directed at. So I kind of just decided to not worry about it and roll with whatever feelings come up around that situationally.

Ik this is easier said than done, but try not to feel the pressure to define yourself to the point that you start finding it more stressful than helpful. You've got basically forever to figure it out, and these things can change over time and evolve anyway 💚

[aro-botic]

I’ve been scrolling through the aroallo tag for a while and I’ve seen a lot of your posts. I guess I’m looking for advice or to see if anyone has had a similar experience…. I ID as aroallo and my friend just confessed to me that he has a crush on me and I feel so bad so I’m trying to reassure myself that it’s not my fault and my identity is valid.

Personally, I haven't had this issue, so any followers of mine that have had this issue are free to add on. That said...

The emotions of others are not your responsibility. It is not your job to reciprocate feelings. If someone has a crush on you, that is their responsibility to manage, not yours. The only thing you need to do here is decide how you feel about it. Do you not want a relationship? Are you okay with a relationship but it's complicated because you're aroallo? Give it some time, try to figure out how you feel, and then communicate that to him. If you reject him and he can't accept that, it's still not your job to change who you are for one person who just happens to feel a certain way about you, nor are you a bad person for setting boundaries.

Your identity is not decided by the feelings or actions of those around you. In rare cases it can be influenced by those around you, but you are the one with the final say on how you identify and what you're comfortable with. You're still aroallo even if someone has a crush on you, and even if you're uncomfortable with that.

I don't know if you ID this way, but perhaps looking through some romance repulsed positivity may cheer you up, as I've seen romance repulsed aros who have had similar experiences in the past. But no matter what, anon, you are welcome in the aroallo community, and you needn't feel bad for being yourself.