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artemis-writes-things · 5 months

Text

Breathe

Posting some of my old one shots here to start promoting some of my writing.

“Reg…” the words ghosted over his lips, “I- you”

He rolled his eyes. Sell the show, never let him know.

“James really pull yourself together.”

“Pull myself together,” James said exasperated, “am I not allowed to show my emotions to you anymore, I thought that-”

“James I don’t care what you think” Hold his gaze till he looks away first, don’t let any warmth into your voice.

“I don’t understand” James was looking between his eyes and his arm searching for something that he had buried so deep he wasn’t sure if he would ever be able to find it again. Buried the sunlight of James in his life deep in the black hole that was his heart.

“Didn’t I tell you at the beginning” he spat out changing the screaming agony in his head into anger, “I said I would hurt you, and here I am keeping that promise”

“but I could have helped you, could have gotten you out, I could ha-”

“Could you? I’m not my brother James, I think you forget that” Tell him I’m sorry, tell him he’s free to hate me, tell him I love him. I love him. I love you.

“I know, you never were him.” James said with so much sincerity he almost broke.

“Well then maybe you could have. But the moment is past. I’ve made my choice. Goodbye James”

He turned on his heel and walked away feeling himself cracking, he had never wanted this. He never wanted to hurt James but he had been so selfish

James grabbed his arm and he took a sharp breath in.

“Wait”

He closed his eyes and took a shaky breath in. He turned back. A mistake.

“Reg, we can work this out we can fix this” James was begging,

“We can’t, you can’t fix me, James. You can’t do anything for me anymore” He couldn’t look James in the eyes anymore he was falling apart, he couldn’t breathe, he couldn’t move. He was frozen as the world shattered, as he broke everything he had dreamed about since he was a little boy in a haunted house the shouts of his ancestors clogging his ears till he couldn’t hear anything but the criticism.

“James let me go.” He said in as measured of a voice as he could muster.

“No, I can make this better I can fix this” James was crying and he couldn’t take it anymore.

He leaned in and kissed James, it was soft and short, and Regulus could taste the salt of tears on his lips.

“Goodbye James”

He turned and walked as fast as he could away.

Away.

***

“Regulus!” He heard his brother across the field, they had just left a battle, and there were so many dead. He was sure some of them were by his own hand. He was hunched over. He couldn’t breathe. Had he summoned Sirius with his thoughts? He was the one person he wanted, the only one who had offered him comfort, the only one who gave him the room to take a fucking breath.

There was a sharp tug and he was pulled up face to face with his brother.

Sirius was fuming.

No comfort for him then.

“What the fuck do you want,” he said spitting some blood at Sirius’s feet. If they were going to fight he was going to do it teeth-barred and bloody. He was going to do it with the wild animal of his heart locked deep in its cage where Sirius couldn’t hurt him, where Sirius couldn’t reach him.

“What the fuck are you doing Reggie” Sirius said pushing him back, pushing him away. Typical.

“I thought I told you not to fucking call me that. I’m not your little brother anymore” I’m lying, please hold me, please call my name, again and again, shaping my very identity with the way your mouth says my name, please you contain everything that has ever been good about me* He straightened himself up, his shaky breath revealing all of the parts of him that were broken.

“Your right.” Sirius snapped back at him, “You’re not my brother anymore, I don’t know who the fuck you are.” Sirius turned and began to walk away. Let him go. Let him go. Let him

“Fucking typical, walking away from the consequences of what you did. It worked the first time didn’t it.” He saw the moment that the fight lit up in his brother, he always could read him so well.

Sirius said nothing, uncharacteristically quiet as he walked back up to him and they stood face to face, two brothers, taking shaky breaths in synch even as they were tearing themselves apart to never have to think of the pain the other caused.

Sirius punched him. The pain stinging his jaw, and the force of it putting more blood in his mouth.

Sirius hit him again. Again. Again.

And regulus.

Regulus let him. Over and over and over. Why shouldn’t he? It was the way he always had known love, the slap of their mother the sting of his father’s cane, and the knuckles of his brother. Besides he would take it, maybe his brother would never hug him again, but he would still feel his touch in the impact of a fist.

and when he was no more than a bloody heap on the ground taking shallow breaths the blood bubbling in his lungs, that’s when Sirius left and he just lay there.

He hoped he would die, it would save him the trouble.

They were brothers and always would be and their story echoed back through the centuries and they played their roles expertly. For who were they other than echoes of the first brothers, of Cain and of Able, the older brother killing the younger time and time again.

He heard the shouts of someone, distant noises asking for a healer, but he didn’t want one.

And as he slipped into the darkness he knew that Able would have never hated Cain the way god did.

***

Regulus Articus Black

he wrote out his name on the note before burning it and starting again. Who was he if he couldn’t bear to look at his own name?

How could he look at his own name when it contained the claw marks of everyone he had hurt, everyone he had loved, as he had dragged himself away from them.

He signed it R.A.B

They would know who he was, that was enough. They didn’t need to know of the blood that lie in his history.

He took a deep breath, he was going to be brave, he was going to make it right.

He apparated to the Cliffside, the wind stealing his breath and reminding him that he didn’t much like standing on a small slippery ledge that led down to the cave that would become his grave.

There was a sharp pop,

“I cannot leave Master alone in this”

“Kreature” He sighed out the word, “I thought I ordered you to stay at the house” The house elf shook his head

“I will punish myself for it master but you need help”

“You’ve always been far too kind to me,” He said carefully picking his way down closer and closer to his grave, knowing the elf wouldn’t leave him no matter how many orders he gave. Kreature was braver and more loyal than any of the Gryffindors had ever known.

“Master has always treated me well.” the house elf said before they fell silent in the mouth of the cave. The wind pushing him into it, rushing him to his death, and pulling all of the air out of his lungs with it.

He had to bleed to get in, the sting and drip of it echoing back throughout his whole life. His mother had told him once that they thought he was dead when he was born, with an umbilical cord wrapped around his neck and not breathing.

He felt it now the noose of his own design strangling him.

Out on the island, he drank and he drank the potion lighting every nerve on fire. But that’s not the pain that was making him scream. No, the potion was replaying his worst memories like a twisted pensive. Everyone he had hurt, everyone who had hurt him, every regret and every pain.

Then it was done, the fake locket was placed, the potion refilled and Kreature sent away with a binding order he gave at the cave’s entrance.

only then did he crawl towards the water, hands grabbed him and helped him down. Hands clawed at him pulling him down and down into the cold and the dark.

He took one last breath in.

#jegulus #regulus black #james potter #sirius black #major character death #i might be obsessed with drowning regulus #black brothers #black brothers angst #one shot #marauders #marauders fandom #ao3 link #fic recommendation #this hurt to write #im sorry #not really tho

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