aspec-advice

[aspec-advice]

Hey, I've been struggling with my sexuality for a little bit now and I was wondering if you could help me find a label for what I'm experiencing?

I mostly identify as cupiosexual because I don't feel sexual attraction but have sex with people anyways based on my sensual/aesthetic attractions. I've felt sexual attraction once in the past and it was towards someone after I had sex with them. I didn't think much of it until just a couple days ago I had sex with someone and afterwards I gained sexual attraction to them.

Is there a term for this? Not feeling sexual attraction until after having sex with someone? Would it just be demisexual? Definitely some form of greysexual but if there's something more specific I'd love to know about it.

Sorry if this wasn't an appropriate place to ask, thank you for your help!

hi! so i couldn't find anything about a specific label for describing sexual attraction after having sex with someone so i think greysexual would be the most accurate label for that, i think this could be labeled as demisexual given that you're creating a bond with someone in having sex with that person, so honestly i would say to just go with what you feel best about!

i hope this helps!

mars

[aspec-advice]

Thank you for still having this blog. I am the demisexual friend that found the post a couple of weeks ago. We're now in a QPR and I couldn't be happier. I genuinely didn't think my heart could be beat so much and have me smiling whenever I think about our relationship.

It may never make sense to people outside of it, but we understand it and I think that's all that matters. I love him truly and deeply in whatever way he needs. As a partner, a friend, a caregiver, anything.

So thanks again. And for any aspec person reading this, I hope you're doing well, and stay strong. We've got each other. 🩷

YAY IM SO GLAD!!!!!! im so glad that this blog is helping people become comfortable and happy in their identities!!! i am so happy for you guys and im so glad i could help!!!!! WE'VE GOT EACH OTHER!!!!!!!!!

mars :D

[aspec-advice]

For a long time I have known I wasn't straight and gender has been weird for me. I evidently stuck with an asexual label and fairly certain on being aromatic. Honestly I don't understand my gender. I am not uncomfortable with any labels but don't know if I am a regular cisman. Honestly I think I could go either way. Most of it comes with me not wanting to change my username on other platforms or telling my family. Any advice? (Also I didn't think about the asexual loving garlic bread being so common) I don't know where I'm going with this or whether I should be anonymous or not. The username thing is because I have used something with man in user for 10ish years now.

hello!! i think if you're good with fucking around with pronouns and clothes and stuff and your friends are cool with that, that might be able to help you figure some stuff out. and like, regarding labels, you could go full triple A and go with agender bc it seems to me that's what you're describing- kinda like a lack of gender or gender neutral kinda. as for your username, you don't have to change it if you don't want to, out of convenience or literally whatever, it's up to you. same advice goes for your family, if you don't wanna tell them, don't tell them. basically, try out some new clothes and pronouns and stuff and go with what you like! i hope this helps, and if you have any other questions feel free to send another ask or reach out with like a dm or smth

mars

[aspec-advice]

Hi y'all! I need advice from other aspec people who might have experience with sexual/romantic relationships when you're not attracted to the person that way but you want to make them happy. So I've gotten really close to a friend I met through D&D, like I've told them things I haven't even discussed with my best friend and we have cuddled on the couch and everything. They are demisexual and I am aroace. A few days ago they told me that they have become sexually attracted to me (not romantically) and we had to stop being so physically affectionate so that they could have an easier time respecting my boundaries. They were worried I would be made uncomfortable by this, but I was actually really flattered and gender euphoric (I'm transmasc and they actually see me as a guy :). But it also made me sad because I was starting to really enjoy our closeness. Here's where I feel like I need advice: I don't want to mess up our friendship, but I still want to be physically affectionate (cuddling etc.). I am a bit sex repulsed but I think it's only when it comes to me receiving (kinda like a stone butch). I am curious to try kissing and stuff, but there's never really been a person I could experiment with without leading them on (aka making them think I'm wanting a romantic relationship or sex). I'm also not sure if I'm romance repulsed or not - sometimes romantic things ick me out but other times they are fine. If they caught romantic feelings for me that might also be weird for me, but I'm not sure because it's all theoretical. So my question is this: should I let my friend know that I might be willing to try some things with them (ofc we would need to have a long talk about specifics and boundaries)? Or would that be very likely to screw up our friendship? Because if the choice is to not be physically affectionate and stay friends or experiment sexually and lose them forever, I would 100% want to stay friends, sex is not that important to me. However if I could make them happy and continue to cuddle and be close to them as a friend, that would be ideal. I know there's risk attached to everything but if anyone has been in a similar situation it would be helpful to hear from you. 

HELLO!! hi you have come to the right place, last year i was hooking up with this guy who i was kinda friends with before and it didn't really change much about our friendship, but again, everyone's relationships are different. i think the best thing you could do in this scenario is just talk to them about it, if they are willing to try some things with you and you still want to do it, i would say go for it. if you're uncomfortable, or they're uncomfortable, with the ability for them to catch feelings for you, that is something that you should definitely discuss as well. basically, bring it up to them, talk about your boundaries and their boundaries, and decide whether or not trying things out together would be an okay thing to decide to do.

if anyone else has been in a similar situation, feel free to add on with your advice. as always, mine kinda boils down to as long as you're happy, comfortable, and express clear boundaries do whatever the fuck you want.

mars

[aspec-advice]

i suddenly feel huge impostorism about not being bi enough. i've known i was ace since forever and realised i was bi+ while in the monog relationship i'm still in today, not by actually being romantically attracted to people but because i realised i could technically picture myself with a partner of any gender (i know the potential for attraction to more than one gender is a definition of bi). once i admitted that to myself i actually started feeling physical attraction to people, thinking i wasn't ace after all for a bit. everything fell apart when i learned about other kinds of attraction and realised the physical attraction wasn't sexual but sensual, more in a "i'd make out with this person" way than a hugging and cuddling way because the last 2 are romantic to me. that's also when i realised i'm on the aromantic spectrum because i only ever experienced romantic attraction to one person who ended up being my partner to this day. and now here's the thing. my bi attraction has become less defined kinda? it's less about kissing now and more just feeling drawn to someone based on appearance but it feels like more than what people describe as aesthetic attraction? the attraction i feel is also not really anything i feel an urge to act on, it's just there. idk maybe that's because i'm in a monog relationship so my brain shut itself off from that. when i feel that attraction it does feel decidedly queer/bi though idk. i'd also feel like a liar calling myself biromantic because despite the potential for attraction definition i've only ever felt romantic attraction once towards one gender. i feel like i'm not bi enough and like i'm just holding on to this identity even though it doesn't actually belong to me, like i'm just making it into more than it is because what if it's always been nothing more but aesthetic attraction, not actually me being bi, what if the queer feelings about this attraction are just me trying to convince myself i'm bi when i'm not.

hello!!!! so my most basic advice would be to say fuck everything and identify how you want, if you don't think youre bi dont identify as bi! also like what is bi enough??? if you wanna identify as bi fucking do it dude nobody else's opinion of YOUR identity matters as long as you feel comfortable that's what matters. you seem to be in a loving relationship and if you feel more comfortable with bi as like a blanket identity then go for it but if you don't want to don't worry about it. how other people perceive you is not worth worrying about.

live your life how you want and dont worry about labels

mars

[aspec-advice]

I am so glad someone gets me😭 me and my gf are both hypersexual from our pasts (crazy combination being ace ik) and so we talk about so much stuff but I feel so gross at any mentions of doing stuff for real😭‼️

NO I GET YOU OMG talking abt stuff and actually doing stuff are like completely different beasts and one of them can be fully conquered while the other will eat me yk

mars

[aspec-advice]

From the anon who sent in that ask, I wasn't asking for labels but I do agree I somewhat relate to aegosexual as a label for myself ^^ , since my feelings towards sexual intimacy fluctuate so much depending on how I feel & other memories that pop up in the day its a bit confusing and I just prefer aceflux. but there's definitely a disconnect for me!

i 100% get you, label yourself how you want to!!! i absolutely do

mars

[aspec-advice]

if you are asking me i am not 👍HOWEVER i do think this person could be! if they like that label, i didnt think they were asking for advice in that regard just like a confirmation which is why i didnt lend any labels yk

mars

fellow aspec friends, I have a question for y'all and anyone else reading this. Do you ever immerse yourself in fictional relationships when it comes to sexual stuff only because imagining going further with your partner makes you feel dirty and/or gross? I am somewhere on the ace spectrum (I just say aceflux) because it really depends, but especially lately my partner has been trying to go further and I've been having bad thoughts regarding us doing stuff together. But we talk about fictional characters/original characters having relations very, very often, and it doesn't make me feel as scared/dirty with myself about it. I just wondered if anyone else related and/or understood where I was coming from

HI OMG YES so ive had sex one (1) time and i was not as into it as the other person was which i thought was weird bc like fictional shit is fine for me but in real life it was absolutely not SO i totally get what you're saying. like the thought of actually doing sexual shit is really gross to me as well idk why or how but it just weirds me out but with fiction it's so fine idek. i absolutely understand where you're coming from woooo!!

mars

[aspec-advice]

fellow aspec friends, I have a question for y'all and anyone else reading this. Do you ever immerse yourself in fictional relationships when it comes to sexual stuff only because imagining going further with your partner makes you feel dirty and/or gross? I am somewhere on the ace spectrum (I just say aceflux) because it really depends, but especially lately my partner has been trying to go further and I've been having bad thoughts regarding us doing stuff together. But we talk about fictional characters/original characters having relations very, very often, and it doesn't make me feel as scared/dirty with myself about it. I just wondered if anyone else related and/or understood where I was coming from

HI OMG YES so ive had sex one (1) time and i was not as into it as the other person was which i thought was weird bc like fictional shit is fine for me but in real life it was absolutely not SO i totally get what you're saying. like the thought of actually doing sexual shit is really gross to me as well idk why or how but it just weirds me out but with fiction it's so fine idek. i absolutely understand where you're coming from woooo!!

mars

[aspec-advice]

Hi!

Do you have any coming-out tips?

The people around me already know I'm not a fan of sex, but they just don't seem to understand why. I need to come out to someone or I'll explode I don't want to keep it a secret forever

hello!! i absolutely do!!! my coming out tip would be to just say it, like if you're with all the people you care about you can just be like "hey btw im ace 👍" and then you've finally said it out loud to the people you love and therefore you will not explode. you could also do something really funny and throw a party that's like a baby shower except like a "your bloodline ends with me" party yknow. could be fun. genuinely though, i wouldn't make a big deal out of it unless you want to, just tell the people you care about and since it seems to me that they're fine with your disinterest in sex they'll be completely fine with you coming out to them.

i hope this helps!

mars

[aspec-advice]

‘Looking for an aspec label that is about only experiencing sexual attraction after sex’ anon here again. I wasn’t sure if I’ve asked this blog a similar question before but anyways thanks for the response

Personally I’m a bit hesitant to use ‘demisexual’ to describe my experiences because I’ve found that typically people use that term to reference needing to experience a platonic or romantic bond before experiencing sexual attraction and that’s not the case with me

Hi!! I think that people do typically use that label regarding romantic or platonic bonds but when I looked it up the actual definition just said, "emotional bond" and I would classify sex as an emotional bond, at least in my experience. I would say just because most people use a label to mean one thing, that doesn't mean that's all it can be used for. But ultimately, it is up to you for how you want to use labels. If you think demisexual describes you, you should use it, it's your identity and you can describe it with whatever you want. I understand your hesitation though, just know that the way a label is used by other people is not going to be how that label is for everyone. Personally, I use the label asexual to describe my experience but there's probably a better fit somewhere else on the spectrum because of how I experience sexual attraction, asexual is just how I feel comfortable labeling myself. If you feel comfortable using demisexual to describe yourself you should, if not that's cool too! Just remember that labels are for your comfort not for the comfort of other people.

I hope this helps a bit more possibly (?)

mars

[aspec-advice]

So I’m looking for a label similar to reciprosexual but one not about sexual attraction (usual definitions I can find are something like “only experiencing sexual attraction after someone experiences attraction towards you”).

Basically the term I’m looking for would be when one only experiences sexual attraction after having sex with someone - which imo isn’t about attraction, it’s focused around behaviour.

Do you know of a term like that? It’s okay if you don’t, just thought to ask

For some context I’m not sure if I want to question if I’m asexual or not again (I don’t really feel represented within that being sex-favourable) but I would like some language to describe certain experiences

Okay hi!! So, the only label I could find that sort of represents what you're saying is demisexual, only experiencing sexual attraction after having developed an emotional bond with someone, I would say that having sex with someone definitely creates some sort of emotional bond. I'm not sure if that's exactly what you're looking for, I do think reciprosexual is definitely not what you're experiencing though. I hope this helps!!

mars

[aspec-advice]

How do you tell the difference between a queer platonic feeling and a romantic one?

And how do you tell someone you feel the former instead of the latter?

I've been struggling with this for a while.

Hello!! For the first question, I think the main difference between queer platonic attraction and romantic attraction is the physical aspects, like when I like someone romantically, I feel really nervous around them and get butterflies when I think about them I also, most of the time, want to always be near them and like want to hold their hand and go on dates and stuff. I don't know what it's like to experience queer platonic attraction, but I would assume it's different than that. If not, I apologize for my ignorance on the subject. As for the second question, my best advice would be to tell them straight up that you're not romantically interested in them and then explain to them what queer platonic attraction is and that you do feel that for them. If they don't take it well, that's not your fault and you don't owe them anything.

I hope this helped!

mars

[aspec-advice]

are you asexual? i remember i watched a stream of yours a while ago (i think it was a sims stream when you were making your bedroom or office?? maybe??) where you hung up an asexual flag and i was just wondering, if you are ace, how you came to terms with that because i've realised i am asexual and im having an extremely hard time coming to terms with it due to past experiences yknow, i am struggling a bit lol :/

Considering that was a year ago, I'm surprised you remembered that, but to answer your question, yes I am.

I started identifying as Ace when I was 13/14 I think? Maybe even a bit younger. Even 6-8 years ago being ace wasn't a super welcomed thing to be honest, especially if you were young, because like everything people say its a "phase"

To this day I still get told that asexual people are just traumatized people or have some kind of mental illness, or that they just haven't found the right person.

I think that being ace is a hard thing to accept, because of how in society (in my case western society) sex itself is valued. I mean "sex sells" is literally considered fundamental in most industries, and that definitely is a reflection of it. Where ever you are on the asexual spectrum, or whether you're sex positive, negative, or neutral, there's a strange disconnect. As someone who had social issues, developing into an adult with these feelings was hard for me, and can be hard for you.

Compulsive heterosexuality is talked about a lot in the LGBTQ+ community, but there is definitely a variation that's just compulsive sexuality in general. The desire to conform will always get in the way of self-acceptance.

It's never an easy thing, but that is truth of it. If you want to come to terms with yourself you'll have to evaluate your values as a whole, and what of them is forced on you from socialization.

For me personally, this meant accepting the fact that something that was so important to others, wasn't to me.

Also it's okay to take time to sort out the nuances, it is a spectrum after all.

[aspec-advice]

hi. i made some images.

feel free to take them and use for whatever you may need them for. no credit required

[aspec-advice]

i had to

[aspec-advice]

is there like a definition of like being in the aromatic spectrum but wants a romantic relationship and wants it to be reciprocated? I genuinely want a romantic relationship (I’ve even just realized that I gotten jealous of my friends because they’re in romantic relationship) but I’m aro spec so idk if there is even a “label” for this situation. And ikik “I don’t need a romantic relationship/ be in a queer platonic relationship/etc etc” but I really thought of it and I YEARN to have someone love me romantically and I love them back romantically, not ina queer platonic relationship or even just regular friendships. Idk man, ideas? I just feel lost

hello! so yes, there is a label for that! it's called cupioromantic which is where one does not experience romantic attraction but does desire a romantic relationship. if you don't experience romantic attraction, this could be the label for you. however, if you do experience romantic attraction, you could possibly be grayromantic which is where your romantic attraction fluctuates but the desire for a relationship is still there. but just remember, whatever label you choose it is your interpretation of it, you get to decide how a label works for you, if one does at all. i hope this helps! definitely let us know if you have any more questions or any follow up questions!

mars