baphijmm

[baphijmm]

The Anatomy of “Zick Zack”--Is Zeit a concept album?

Yep, Rammstein dropped their second single from their new album Zeit this week. Called "Zick Zack", it's a notable departure from the sound presented in the first single from the album, but still decidedly Rammstein. If you haven't seen it, you can check it out here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hBTNyJ33LWI (Fair warning: boobies, plentiful butt shots and a couple crotch shots. Also a scene where Till Lindemann staples his face, and a cat eats presumably human flesh from same face. There's some darkness beneath this silly-looking exterior.)

Seen it? Good. On with the dissection.

Schöner, größer, härter Straffer, glatter, stärker

(Prettier, bigger, harder Tighter, smoother, stronger)

Dropping all pretense right out the gate, eh? Rammstein's knack for lack of subtlety is well-known and exemplified in such past works as "Pussy", "Rein Raus", and "Mann Gegen Mann", so this isn't exactly surprising. (Not to say they can't be subtle, as "Zeit" itself so clearly demonstrated.)

Within the context of the video, these lines appear to be the personal tagline of Till Lindemann's character, who I've just been calling Zick Zack because frankly it fits. (Zack's a name!) He emerges from within a golden hoop curtain, joining the rest of the band—all made up to an absurd degree, of course—in front of an audience of much older women. His character appears to be one who not only highly values beauty, but recommends (and perhaps even performs) certain cosmetic surgeries for his "clients". In so doing, he appears to have gained a cult following, though clearly from an older generation—more on that in a moment.

Deine Brüste sind zu klein Zwei Pfund Silikon sind fein Säcke schneiden von den Augen Nase fräsen, Fett wegsaugen Wir entfernen rasch zwei Rippen Schlauchboot basteln aus den Lippen In die Wangen, in die Stirn Botox rein bis ins Gehirn

(Your breasts are too small Two pounds of silicone is fine Sacks cut from the eyes Mill the nose, suck out fat We rashly remove two ribs Craft up an inflatable boat out of the lips In the cheeks, in the forehead Botox into the brain)

The lyrics here clearly describe various cosmetic surgeries, particularly for specific perceived blemishes—again, going right for the point with the first line, even. In the context of the video, we see Till's character giving these recommendations (save for that first one, which he sings to the audience) to a line of women, apparently gathered for this service he provides.

The last line of this lyric is clearly meant to be derogatory, but I also envision it in a number of other ways. For example, he's effectively saying "Inject Botox straight into the brain," which could be seen as a metaphor for assisted suicide—recall, botulism toxin is quite deadly in large enough doses—or else it could be a double-meaning. Botox used cosmetically is intended to tighten up facial features in an attempt to remove wrinkles, and if one were to take that logic and apply it to the brain... Does German have an analog to the English "smooth-brained"?

Zick Zack, Zick Zack, schneid es ab Zick Zack, Zick Zack, kurz und knapp

(Zick Zack, Zick Zack, cut it off Zick Zack, Zick Zack, short and sweet)

Here's our first taste of the refrain, and indeed truly only a taste; the second line isn't repeated anywhere else.

"Zick Zack" in this context is onomatopoeia for cutting with scissors. (In other contexts, it could be interpreted as "zig zag", but that's clearly not the intent here.) "Short and sweet" I imagine to specifically refer to the cosmetic surgery itself, as one hopes such a thing would be done quickly.

A point of note, which I don't know that this was intended or not, but "schneid es ab" sounds almost exactly like "schneit es ab", or "it's snowing". If intentional, it's a rather significant line, potentially tying that verse in with the rest of the refrain in a much deeper way. We'll get to that later, too; trust me, it's all related.

Alles Schlaffe überm Kinn Kann man in den Nacken ziehen Implantate ins Gefräß Und wir liften das Gesäß Messer, Tupfer, Vollnarkose Sieben Kilo Reiterhose und Bauchfett in die Biotonne Der Penis sieht jetzt wieder Sonne

(Everything slacking above the chin Can be pulled into the neck Implants in the mouth And we lift the buttocks Knife, swab, general anesthetic Seven kilos of riding trousers and Belly fat in the bio bin The penis sees the sun again)

This lyric will take a bit of explaining, because there's a lot to work with here. (Which is exactly what Zick Zack would say about it, ba-ZING)

The first two lines aren't anything terribly special, just describing basic facelift practices. (There might be something in "Nacken ziehen" being similar to "nackt ausziehen", or "to strip naked".) "Gefräß" is a STRANGE word to use here; it's somewhat archaic, related to the verb "fressen", or "to eat" as attributed to an animal (as opposed to a person, for which the verb is "essen"). As a result, the word itself can also be translated as "glutton", or else a "vessel", as in, something you'd stuff full of something. In the context, especially given the previous line about making your lips like an inflatable raft, I'm pretty confident the meaning is supposed to be for the mouth, or perhaps the jaw. (A strong jawline is another commonly-desired cosmetic trait, after all.) Of course, it might just have been the best word to rhyme with "Gesäß" in the next line, a word I think one would expect a cosmetic surgeon to use to refer to the butt.

"Messer, Tupfer, Vollnarkose" are simply the tools of the trade, but this is then followed by "Sieben Kilo Reiterhose", which... makes basically no sense within this context. All I can guess, and this is a shot in the dark, is that riding pants tend to be extremely tight to the body, showcasing the curves and shapes of the legs? Bringing it into the context of the following line, "und / Bauchfett in die Biotonne", we could perhaps get the context that they're referring to fat deposits in the legs, which might just be called "Reiterhose" in German, similar to how we call fat deposits on the sides of the trunk "love handles".

"Der Penis sieht jetzt wieder Sonne" is another blunt statement, but again, here we have something of a double-entendre. The lyrics officially state "sieht jetzt wieder Sonne", or "sees the sun again", clearly indicating that the belly was large enough to "shade" it; however, the lyrics could also be interpreted "sieht jetzt wie der Sonne", or "now looks like the sun". Radiant, perfect. Schöner, größer, härter.

Zick Zack, Zick Zack, schneid das ab Tick Tack, Tick Tack, du wirst alt Deine Zeit läuft langsam ab

(Zick Zack, Zick Zack, cut it off Tick Tock, Tick Tock, you're getting old Your time is slowly running out)

And here we begin the full refrain—begin because, there's another little stanza with it, but we'll get to that shortly. I desperately want to discuss these three lines separately, in context with what we've already discussed above.

We already talked about the first line, and here, with the rest of the continued refrain, we get some context for the "it's snowing" interpretation—you're in the winter of your life. Time is running out; you're getting old.

And suddenly a whole lot of stuff starts to make a whole lot of sense. The following this band seems to have among the significantly older crowd. "Zick Zack"'s apparent obsession with beauty—and indeed, during this refrain, we begin to see his original facade dissolving into one that is clearly aged, heavily so.

Wer schön sein will, der muss auch leiden Aus- und weg- und abschneiden Nadel, Faden, Schere, Licht Doch ohne Schmerzen geht es nicht

(If you want to be beautiful, you must also suffer Cut out, and away, and off Needle, thread, scissors, light But without pain, it doesn't work)

This portion of the refrain—and it is part of the refrain, repeated with the rest of the refrain after the next verse—naturally talks about the pain and suffering one must go through to achieve their beauty, at least in this context. Here, we see Till's character realizing he's losing his "mask", and as soon as the refrain is over he rushes backstage, shouting angrily, effectively "Cut it off, cut it off!" In a desperate attempt to get back his former looks, he begins stapling the side of his face, causing the female attendants—all bandaged in the face as though they themselves have just undergone cosmetic surgery—to wince.

Speaking of these girls, I missed talking about a brief shot in the video which ties in to their appearance here as well. Throughout, we see their bodies get marked up with various lines, places to cut, contours to round, et cetera. But, in one extremely brief shot, we see a pig with similar lines, clearly outlining different cuts of meat. I don't think it's terribly deep or anything, just another parallel Rammstein felt the need to draw.

Wangen straffen, Jochbein schnitzen Sondermüll in Lippen spritzen Falten rascheln am Skalpell Vorhaut weg, sehr aktuell Ist die Frau im Mann nicht froh Alles ganz weg, sowieso

(Tighten cheeks, carve cheekbones Splash hazardous waste into lips Wrinkles rustle on the scalpel Foreskin removed, very topical Isn't the woman in the man happy It's all gone anyway)

As we hear this verse, Till's character is still desperately trying to put together his face, which instead continues to fall apart. In the end, he hastily throws on masking tape, just trying to get all the pieces back into place.

What do these lyrics mean, though? Splashing hazardous waste into your lips could easily be another Botox reference, since, as mentioned above, it's definitely hazardous, and a byproduct that in any other context would be considered waste. "Aktuell" is akin to "current" or "in", so "topical" works here; while many might not consider circumcision to be a cosmetic surgery, it absolutely is, having basically no health benefits (and a number of potential health detriments, not the least of which is... let's just say "collateral damage"). It is attractive to certain people though, so... *shrug*

I suspect the line "Ist die Frau im Mann nicht froh" probably refers to the stereotypically-effeminate desire for beauty; indeed, the band members look particularly androgynous throughout the video, even though we do see facial hair on one, and an obviously-fake masculine chest worn by another. "Alles ganz weg, sowieso" might in fact be a reference to the aforementioned issues potentially arising from circumcision, or it might just be yet another dig at the superficial nature of the concept of "beauty". All your personality is gone, replaced by the absolute obsession to look your best.

We then again dip into the refrain, and end the song with a reiteration of the opening lines, that "tagline" I'd mentioned. Nothing new to add to those.

So, now that you've read through my analysis of these lyrics... WHY did I mention in the title, the possibility that Zeit might be a concept album?

The answer I think is pretty obvious, but I'll go into detail anyway. This song is all about trying to regain lost time, in this case through the art of cosmetic surgery. By removing your wrinkles, tightening, smoothening, embiggening, you might just re-claim some of your lost youth. This is a STRONG thematic tie to the first single released, "Zeit", wherein the song describes time as an unfeeling, uncaring, at times even cruel entity, seeking simply to move on, to destroy the past as quickly as it is created. To live and to die are all that matter to it, and try as you might, as much as you beg and plead, it will not, cannot return those moments to you.

By working so adamantly to make yourself more youthful, you suffer. You bring intense pain upon yourself. Is it worth it? For some, it certainly seems to be. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and if reclaiming the beauty of your youth makes you happy, then perhaps that's enough.

But you will suffer.

EDIT: Listening to the song again, I realized the final refrain is actually slightly different from the first time we hear it. The line "Aus- und weg- und abschneiden" is replaced with "Eitelkeit ist nie bescheiden", which means "Vanity is never modest". It's not a major change, doesn't really add any new data to this analysis, but it IS a change.

[baphijmm]

We need to talk about “Zeit”.

So, I still desperately want to talk about "Zeit"; I've been obsessed with it since last night. I really feel like it needs to be discussed.

(If you haven't seen it yet, what are you waiting for? Go watch it! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EbHGS_bVkXY )

While I very much want to talk about all the lyrics in context with the full song (and the video), I think that's going to be at the end of this. Right now, I'll be discussing lyrics piecewise.

Manches sollte manches nicht Wir sehen, doch sind wir blind Wir werfen Schatten ohne Licht

(Some should, some shouldn't We see, though we're blind We throw shadow without light)

This is something of an introductory... I hesitate to call it a verse, because the first verse is next, but it's an introductory interlude, I suppose.

In the music video, we see Rammstein floating in water, in a state of clear death. For the lyric "Wir sehen, doch sind wir blind", we see several band members wearing a blindfold, as if to emphasize this line; this is a motif seen throughout the video, and is important enough to the context of the song that it's the second line in the introduction.

"Wir werfen Schatten ohne Licht" is something of a play on words. While yes, it can easily be taken at face value, marveling at the advancements of mankind and yet we can do nothing about... we'll get to that, the other context might be better understood by another English idiom that matches the German here: "We throw shade without light". To "throw shade" means, of course, to speak unfavorably about someone.

As far as "Manches sollte manches nicht"... Again, we'll get to that. It's important, though.

Nach uns wird es vorher geben Aus der Jugend wird schon Not Wir sterben weiter bis wir leben Sterben lebend in den Tod Dem Ende treiben wir entgegen Keine Rast, nur vorwärtsstreben Am Ufer winkt Unendlichkeit Gefangen so im Fluss der Zeit

(After us, there will be a past Youth itself turns into hardship We keep dying until we live The dead live in death We're drifting toward the end Don't rest, just push on Infinity beckons on the shore So caught in the flow of time)

This verse is pretty loaded. Let's start with the first line: There's a common German saying which goes, "Auch nach es wird es noch eine Zukunft geben," which translated means, "Even after this, there will be a future." This first line takes this saying and inverts it, giving us a bit of context into what's going on in the music video: What we're seeing is time being inverted. This has an additional meaning as well; it can be interpreted as, we simply keep repeating our mistakes, or as, there is no future as a result of this thing.

The remaining lines in this verse reinforce these concepts. Youth seems like a burden, we die until we live, the dead live in death. (These can also be seen as memento mori.) "Treiben", or "drifting" as I've translated it, could also be seen as "floating", an important element to the rest of the verse:

"Keine Rast, nur vorwärtsstreben." No rest, just press on. Just keep going--because infinity beckons on the shore, so caught in the flow of time. "Fluss" in this case also has a second meaning; it can be understood as "flow", but it's also the word for "river". Flowing in the river of time. This is a classic metaphor, but in the German, and especially in these lyrics, it takes on a new dimension: You cannot swim against the flow of time, only swimming with it. Again, we reinforce the imagery in the video.

At the end of this verse, we first see one of the large, black-robed figures. These figures are almost entirely nondescript beneath their cloaks, featuring only a head--and a face shining with a kaleidoscope-like, changing image. This, in the context of the video, is the personification of time.

Bitte bleib stehen, bleib stehen Zeit, das soll immer so weitergehen

(Please stop, stay Time, it should always go on like this)

This is our first taste of the refrain. It's a common theme in Rammstein's songs, to introduce the refrain in part before a second verse, then giving the full thing. Even this pair of lines is dripping with context; "Bitte bleib stehen" is a common German phrase, yelled at someone running away. In this case, we're yelling it at time itself, as time slides away from us, far more rapidly than we can keep up. As for the second line, we get more context in the full refrain, but sufficed to say, we're seeing the beginning of the theme of the overall song. We have moments in life, these "perfect moments," which we don't want to end--it should always go on like this. I will be putting "perfect moment" in quotes where I feel it necessary, for reasons that will be apparent later.

Warmer Körper ist bald kalt Zukunft kann man nicht beschwören Duldet keinen Aufenthalt Erschaffen und sogleich zerstören Ich liege hier in deinen Armen Ach, könnt es doch für immer sein Doch die Zeit kennt kein Erbarmen Schon ist der Moment vorbei

(Warm corpses are soon cold You can't summon the future Do not tolerate any visit Create and immediately destroy I'm lying here in your arms Oh, it could last forever But time knows no mercy The moment is already over)

The first half of this verse ties in heavily with the imagery of the video at this point. We see Rammstein as soldiers on a battlefield, rising from the ground as bullets remove themselves from their bodies, only for their guns to return to the ready, aimed at the other side.

The first line again harps on the inevitability of death, but in a more nuanced way; by contrasting warm and cold, we also contrast life and death.

The third and fourth lines seem somewhat nonsensical in English, and that's unintentional; the lyric makes more sense in German, where "Aufenthalt" (visit, or stay) sounds like "aufhalten", literally to stop. It's more classic Rammstein wordplay, and in context, we see that again the lyrics are talking about time, and specifically that "perfect moment"--Don't tolerate ANY stop. Create the moment, then immediately destroy it.

This is further reinforced with the second half of the verse. The lyrics describe a "perfect moment," lying in someone's arms--perhaps a lover, but almost certainly a loved one. It's the sort of moment you wish would last forever, but time is cruel--it's already destroyed it.

There is further context to this as well, in the third verse and what happens at the end of the video, but I'll be getting to that. (It's all so beautifully, grotesquely interwoven, and I positively love it.)

Zeit, bitte bleib stehen, bleib stehen Zeit, das soll immer so weitergehen Zeit, es ist so schön, so schön Ein jeder kennt den perfekten Moment

(Time, please stay, stop Time, this should always go on like this Time, it's so beautiful, so beautiful Everyone knows the perfect moment)

Here, we have the full refrain. We've already discussed the first two lines, and the second two lines seem fairly innocuous--except, right there, squat at the end, there are those words: "the perfect moment". And in this context, in the German, we again get two meanings:

The first is the one we've been talking about, those perfect moments we want to just live in forever, those scenes that you don't want to ever change. It's so beautiful... right?

The second possible interpretation, based on the tense used for the word, is that "perfect" means "final". This is the immutable moment, the moment that absolutely *cannot* be changed, no matter how desperately you hope otherwise.

And with that understanding, we slip into the final verse.

Zeit, bitte bleib stehen, bleib stehen

(Time, please stay, stop)

Wenn unsere Zeit gekommen ist Dann ist es Zeit zu gehen Aufhören, wenn es am schönsten ist Die Uhren bleiben stehen

(When our time has come Then it is time to go Stop when it's at its most beautiful The clocks stand still)

This is only the first half of the final verse, and I felt it necessary to split it up because Rammstein felt it necessary to split it up in their transcription. But, let's go over it.

The first two lines are pretty self-explanatory. The third, "Aufhören, wenn es am schönsten ist," is another common German phrase, used by parents to tell their children to come in from playing (for example). In the context of the video, this is when we see the father and daughter, sitting on the back of a wagon, enjoying this "perfect moment" at its most beautiful.

The fourth line is actually something of a callback to an older Rammstein song, "Wo Bist Du" (Where Are You); in that song, the line is "Alle Uhren bleiben stehen" (All clocks are stopped), and in that context it referred to something like a feeling of ennui: Nothing in the singer's life is worth anything anymore, because he's lost this important person. The context is *awfully* similar here, though taken at face value it doesn't seem like it.

So perfekt ist der Moment Doch weiter läuft die Zeit Augenblick, verweile doch Ich bin noch nicht bereit

(So perfect is the moment but time marches on In this moment, please stay I am not ready)

This. THIS is the culmination of the song. Here, we again see a mention of the "perfect moment," though in this context it truly does mean a moment without flaw. But, time marches on.

The second-to-last line is an adaptation, and if you know German literature you may be familiar with it. It's from a quote from Goethe's Faust, a quote which is rather well-known in German (roughly the equivalent of "Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-- I took the one less traveled by, and that has made all the difference" in the English-speaking world); the quote itself goes:

Werd' ich zum Augenblicke sagen: Verweile doch! du bist so schön! Dann magst du mich in Fesseln schlagen, Dann will ich gern zugrunde gehn'!

(I will say in the moment, Stay! You are so beautiful! Then, you can lock me in chains, Then I would like to perish!)

"Augenblick" is literally "in the blink of an eye", but in context it's clearly meant to mean in that instant. But again, here in this famous quote, we see repeating themes from this song: Stay in the moment. It's so beautiful. Then, I would like to perish. In the context the way Rammstein has phrased it, and especially with the final line (and what we're witnessing in the video), they once again turn the quote on its head: Please stay in this moment, *because* I'm not ready.

To tie what happens here into previous lyrics: "Ich liege hier in deinen Armen // Ach, könnt es doch für immer sein // Doch die Zeit kennt kein Erbarmen // Schon ist der Moment vorbei"

I'm not ready to go. I'm not ready to die.

Zeit, bitte bleib stehen, bleib stehen Zeit, das soll immer so weitergehen Zeit, es ist so schön, so schön Ein jeder kennt den perfekten Moment

Everyone knows the perfect moment.

Much of the song talks about death, and obviously the video reinforces this theme throughout--again, we get plenty of memento mori in the video too, seeing childbirth as reversed from the scene of men on the battlefield. But, so much of it talks about these "perfect moments" as well, and in THOSE contexts, it almost feels like a separate piece until it all comes together in the literal final line of the final verse, then driven home by the final refrain.

Now, let's go back to that introduction.

In spite of mankind's achievements, we cannot stop the passage of time. We cannot cheat death. (And the aforementioned Faust gives a wonderful treatise of what might happen should we try!) But, we throw shade at others, we *oppose* others.

We see, though we're blind. We somehow know these things as fact, and must accept them blindly because we don't know anything beyond. Death is the ultimate mystery.

Some should, some shouldn't. Should and shouldn't what? Throw shade, perhaps, or perhaps should or shouldn't accept these things blindly. Should or shouldn't *die* certainly seems like an obvious choice.

In any event, the introduction feels like it's meant to be understood and interpreted backwards--much like the music video.

[baphijmm]

I have endured the McDonald’s Land Air & Sea so you don’t have to.

First, a disclaimer: I know. Okay? I know. I don't know if you can truly call these "hacks" anymore, given McD's is literally selling them as the thing, but what the heck. These things have been around for a good long time. Whether you called them hacks, or secret menu items (of which there ARE actual secret menu items, but I've definitely heard these clumped in with those), or whatever, combining McDonald's food items is nothing new. You may have already done it without realizing; I know that's the case for me, in regularly just sliding my hash brown into my Sausage Egg McMuffin. But, McDonald's has officially made them mainstream now, so I guess we're doing this. Here's the sitch: Woke up, had to drive down to Las Cruces for class, then drive immediately back up to Socorro for another, wholly-unrelated class. (That's about a 300-mile round-trip.) Because I value my sleep, I hurriedly toasted a bagel and smeared some strawberry-flavored cream cheese onto it, and downed it in the car with a can of Mountain Dew to wake myself up a little bit. From 9:30am to 5pm, that was the only food I'd be able to consume. I knew the night before that I'd be hungry as hell, and so I decided at that time to seal my fate: I'd been curious about the "Land Air & Sea" "hack" McDonald's had been marketing, so since that's literally three sandwiches stacked on top of each other, I figured it'd be a good way to break my school-induced fast. This is my breakdown. Pre-sandwich: I pulled into the drive-thru, not entirely knowing what to expect. There are big flashy signs out front advertising this and the "Crunchy Double", another "hack" for another time. Because this is Socorro, New Mexico, these signs and the ones behind which have the more traditional menu on them appear to have been shot. Pretty sure the only place I've seen more shot signs than New Mexico is Tennessee. There's a line, of course. It's about 5:30. Everyone's going for dinner. McDonald's handily does the most business of any of the fast food places at least, and that's saying something because this city was once—and indeed might still be—the highest concentration of fast food establishments per capita of the United States. It's bad enough that it throws off economists' models. We once had CVS plan to put in a store here, and they got as far as clearing the purchased land before they actually, you know, visited. Upon realizing their MASSIVE mistake, they immediately re-sold the newly-cleared land. But I'm starving, and I have a new pet fish I'm probably gonna call Mr. Bones because he wanted to get off that wild ride, so I power through the line. At the speaker, I ask for the "Land Air & Sea," trying to sound like a man who's ordered this before and knows exactly what he's doing. The cashier enters it without hesitation. I then ask for a medium Coke. "Would you just like the meal?" I hadn't planned for this contingency. Would I be able to eat a thing of fries? Would it be cheaper? I shrug and say "Sure, I didn't realize there was a meal," thus ruining my clever vocal disguise from before. I eventually make my way up to the first window. A different cashier now asks if I did indeed order the "Land Air & Sea" meal. Smiling as a man who has no earthly concept of the consequences of his actions, I nod and pay the bill. At the second window, another employee of Big M smiles and hands me a large paper bag, as if to laugh at my hubris. I drive home, get the fish comfortably inside, then bring in The Meal. Construction: The three individual elements of this combined sandwich are a Big Mac, a Filet o'Fish, and a McChicken sandwich. This constitutes four slabs of meat (including the fish for you pescaterians), seven individual pieces of bread, and all the fixin's. By the time you complete construction, expect your workspace to be a mess. The sandwich will shed enough shredded iceburg lettuce to produce an entire head of iceburg lettuce, and yet you know deep in your heart this is only to provide the slightest semblance of some sort of healthy eating. Thousand Island, tartar sauce, and mayonnaise cascade off in all directions like a fondue fountain of fat and oil. They will give you a metric shitload of napkins, and you will need every one of them simply assembling this monstrous affront to God. Post-construction: You stare at the Leaning Tower of Pisa of meats and sauces before you, and begin questioning your life choices. You will need to unhinge your jaw for the first bite, but it gets easier as the shaking pressure of your grip manages to mash the various constituents into each other. The first bite is... good. Not good enough to justify the work that went into putting it together. You question the sanity of those who'd "hacked" this sandwich into existence, prior to McArtery-hardener's finding out about it. You take a second bite and break out in a sweat. You were questioning your life choices before; now, there is no question. You have made a Mistake. A McStake, if you will. More lettuce showers from between the buns like ticker-tape in a 1940's parade. Hope you've got some of your own napkins at home. By the third bite, you're starting to breathe heavier. At this point, the top sesame-seed bun—the former crown of the Big Mac—is near-indistinguishable from the other pieces of bread in terms of vertical height. It's all been mashed down in an effort to continue fitting it in your mouth. The most flavorful thing is the McChicken patty, which has an ample scattering of black pepper in its breading. The only thing the Filet o'Fish adds to the piece is a light crisp. The Big Mac is only there for substance, to add mass to this gastronomical black hole. In my famished state, I was only able to consume about half the total sandwich before my body made me stop. I have the pork sweats, and I'm fairly certain there isn't any pork in this. I need a nap, and probably a temperature reading. I have not seen Jesus; no self-repsecting god would dare witness such blasphemy. tl;dr it's good, but not worth the effort to put it together or eat it

[baphijmm]

Fall: The Return to the Temple, Book Two is now available for pre-order from Xlibris, Amazon, and Barnes & Noble! Give it a look! (And while we're at it, Journey to Fire's Keep: The Return to the Temple, Book One is also available!)

Reviews for Journey to Fire's Keep: "Owens manages to pack an impressive amount of intrigue and action into less than 200 pages. Although his marriage of ancient magic and modern conveniences can sometimes be jarring [...], his commitment to his characters give the story the cohesion it requires. Journey to Fire’s Keep doesn’t reinvent the fantasy novel, but its creative approach is bound to entertain readers looking for a fresh take on a long-established formula." ~BlueInk Reviews

"[...] For a novel hinging on retribution, this is a surprisingly funny book. [...] Owens’ world is a refreshing take on elves and orcs. The inventive realm blends modern living with traditional fantasy elements. [...] The humor seems effortless, and each discovery of how modernity fits into the conventional fantasy landscape is a delight. [...] Owens is at his best with two extremes: humor and a more solemn tone that’s standard for a traditional fantasy. [...] A fun, amusing, and innovative fantasy." ~Kirkus Reviews

https://smile.amazon.com/gp/product/1664166351/

[baphijmm]

I've been trying to keep it secret, but it's about that time: Journey to Fire's Keep is coming out in hardback! Stay tuned for info on the release date.

[baphijmm]

Fucking With Fire: The Second Film Trailer Plan for an As-Yet-Unnamed Film Project

(If you're not familiar with the song, it's here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xr6TlGpMPpI) The song opens with a guitar riff and a drum beat; the trailer will begin pitch black, but for every beat, Rodrigo Bassani flicks a lighter on, killing it on the off-beats. The camera is right in front of his face, and the lighter's flame lights the one side in stark contrast to the darkness everywhere else. As before, Rodrigo is the one singing rather than Tobias Sammet this time, and so all the "Ha-ha"s and "OW"s and such are animated, but again, only visible while the lighter is lit. "Come on, let's go boys!" Through those words, the lighter thing is still going on, but the beat after, the camera ZOOMS away from him rapidly, revealing a massive empty warehouse with him and T.A.P. as before; this time, there is no crowd, and I don't know that they'll be on a stage. He drops the lighter on the ground, and it's clear there's a pattern of gasoline, because it lights. (Maybe in a large circle around him? But then he steps through it...?) As soon as the next repeat of the guitar lick starts, there'll be a large flash as all the large lights hanging from the ceiling immediately turn on, and a shower of sparks erupts from the fixtures on each; these lights appear to be typical low-bay metal-halide lamps, but perhaps the sudden intense electric jolt allowed them to all start fully-lit. In any event, during this little instrumental introduction, Rodrigo is strutting around the warehouse floor, dancing to the song and making the howls, perhaps going over to dance by the band for a moment. "I saw her coming in high-heels, living like a queen." A young, attractive looking woman, perhaps the peahen from the beginning of the movie even (I gotta give *something* to throw folks off), appears almost as if from nowhere; as the song indicates, she's in high heels, and I imagine a gorgeous flowing white-sequin dress. "A little sweet angel, but deep underneath a mean machine!" Rodrigo struts over to her, giving her a look-over. "You're lying and wait to make me your fool, you want me to bite," He circles her once, clearly leering at her, but she's got a lascivious smirk on as well. "I'm gonna take the bait and the hunter for afters, take you for a ride!" Rodrigo, now in front of her again, wraps a hand around her waist and pulls her in close to his body, clearly singing to her now. "And I don't wanna play no games 'cause I'm a bad, bad boy, all around." Rodrigo had begin tapping his heel in the previous line, but here, I suspect he maybe gives her a twirl away, still holding her hand. "Let me be your Titanic, for you know what's going on - I'm going down!" (The actual lyric here is apparently "I'll make her down", but not only is it bad English and in bad taste, it doesn't fit the earlier statement, "Let me be your Titanic": Titanic was the one that "went down". So, I'd definitely change it here.) For the first half, he takes her other hand and does a little "Twist"; the moment he says "I'm going down," he lowers himself to his knees, head dropping below the camera, whose bottom-of-frame is probably where both their waists were. She gasps and blushes, and he immediately pops back up. For the refrain: "Fucking with fire! I'm coming to rock Got my rocket on fire and I take what I want! Fucking with fire - loaded and cocked! You never miss it 'til you've been gone with the Hair Force One!" The band sings backup vocals here, including the second "Fucking with fire", which Tobias doesn't sing because he's still singing the last line. For that bit, I imagine the camera might cut to the band delivering the line briefly, but the focus is definitely on Rodrigo. The woman sticks around for this, but he's dancing by himself, making vaguely lewd gestures with the lyrics. "I don't make no mistakes so don't you miss out on a hell of a time." Rodrigo returns to the woman, but a young man walks on-screen, and Rodrigo's attention is immediately drawn to him. His eyes follow the other man, lingering rather deliberately on his ass. "I'm a real go-getter, that's no doubt, down the line!" He leaves the woman and races over to the man, grabbing him by the waist, turning him around to face him, and by the end of the line, he dips the other man, one arm around his waist to support him. "I know what you want and I know what you need," Rodrigo sings to the bewildered man, smiling lightly, clearly looking like a crooner; "your secret desire," The camera cuts to the other man's face, bewilderment melting into almost wonder. "Got the gloves of a man," for this line, the camera cuts to Rodrigo's face, who is now looking into the camera: he brings his hand up in front of his face, palm facing himself, showing a black leather fingerless glove; "the hands of a BEAST," he clenches that hand into a fist on "BEAST"; "and the pants on fire!" I think here, the camera will zip-pan away from the pair and reveal another gasoline pattern on fire, in the shape of a pair of pants. (I know, kinda goofy, but it was either this or literally set Rodrigo's pants on fire.) "And I don't wanna play no games 'cause I'm a nasty, bad boy all around, 'round. Let me be your Titanic, for you know what's going on - I'm going down!" This bridge proceeds in much the same way as the former, except now Rodrigo is dancing with this man; as before, with "I'm going down," Rodrigo ducks his head out of the frame, but he's *much* closer to the other man than he was with the woman, and, again, returns him to pleased astonishment. The rest of the song would likely feature a choreographed dance number with the three of them, since it's mostly just a reprisal of the refrain and an instrument break. When Rodrigo exclaims "Guitar!", the camera probably cuts to the lead guitarist, showing him play that little solo, but then returning to the trio once it's over. Can you tell this is the first one I thought of, and I thought long and hard about it? Though, assuming I do get the rights to use both songs in promotional materials, I think this one would be the second trailer revealed.

[baphijmm]

AUSLÄNDER: A Plan for a Film Trailer, for an As-Yet-Unnamed Animated Film Project

This trailer, one of two currently planned, opens on a wide shot of a darkened stage (just really wide enough to encompass the entire stage, little else) in what appears to be an industrial-style club, almost a warehouse, the silhouettes of six individuals visible (possibly backlit), with a large crowd gathered below, all standing. As the song's opening keyboard plays, white focused spotlights hanging from the rafters flash to the notes in relatively random order, never fully highlighting any of the six figures. The first two power-stings, and all the lights flash together twice in succession, at the same time as the stings. Then, the second two stings, similar flashes, and the moment the main portion of the song starts, a pair of flamethrowers, one on either side of the stage, both pointing up, ignites, just long enough to highlight the song itself, and the full stage lights come up, revealing our six figures: Rodrigo Suraj Bassani, the protagonist of the film, an anthropomorphic rat with many piercings and a rainbow mohawk, holding a microphone, and the five members of T.A.P. (Talking Animal People, my currently-fictional-but-hopefully-real-through-the-power-of-animatronics-some-day band) on their various instruments, in a cameo.

The camera at this point becomes freeform, cutting and panning across the band on stage as more lights and pyrotechnics continue through the opening music, before the lyrics kick in; while the band is mostly focused on playing, the lead guitarist giving a little knowing wink at one point, Rodrigo is quite animated, dancing and stomping around, riling the crowd up. Naturally, he's the one who sings the song rather than Till Lindemann. (Though, if Till wants the part, I don't know that I'd turn him away... But we'd have to work on his English accent. Rodrigo's supposed to be an American expat.)

The moment Rodrigo begins singing, "Ich reise viel, ich reise gern," (I travel a lot, I enjoy traveling), he becomes laser-focused on the camera, and similarly, the camera focuses on him exclusively as he slowly walks forward, little dance flourishes where appropriate. In particular, when he sings "Meine Sprache: International" (My language: International), he swings to one side, grinning widely and waggling his eyebrows at the camera, almost as if he's trying to woo the viewer. (Think Ratigan from The Great Mouse Detective during the song about him, kinda.)

The next few lines: "Ich mache es gern jedem recht Ja, mein Sprachschatz ist nicht schlecht Ein scharfes Schwert im Wortgefecht" (I like to please everyone Yes, my vocabulary isn't bad A sharp sword in verbal struggle) proceed as usual, the camera pulling back from Rodrigo slightly but remaining focused on him as he now focuses on the audience in general. The next line will be altered: Instead of "Mit dem anderen Geschlecht" (With the opposite sex), he'll sing "Mit den zahlreichen Geschlechtern" (With the numerous genders). This is one of many hints in the trailers that Rodrigo is, in fact, pansexual.

The next two lines, part of the repeated "bridge" into the refrain: "Ich bin kein Mann für eine Nacht // Ich bleibe höchstens ein, zwei Stunden" (I'm not a man for one night // I stay at most one, two hours), Rodrigo plays up the obvious sexual connotations of the lyrics, smirking as he sings them; "Bevor die Sonne wieder lacht // Bin ich doch schon längst verschwunden // Und ziehe weiter meine Runden" (Before the sun rises joyfully again [literally "Before the sun laughs again", I believe a common idiom in German] // I will have already disappeared // and continue making my rounds), Rodrigo becomes increasingly more intense, lowering his head, furrowing his eyebrows, until he's singing into his chest for the last line, eyes still focused forward at the camera. This is intended to be a subtle oxymoron in the performance: While he's singing about something that sounds fun, joyful, etc., he becomes more dour, serious. Rodrigo probably isn't a man to be trifled with.

Now begins the main portion of the refrain, and in the beat before it begins, Rodrigo jumps down off the stage into the crowd below: "Ich bin Ausländer! Mi amor, mon chéri Ausländer! Ciao, ragazza, take a chance on me! Ich bin Ausländer! Mon amour, Я люблю тебя Ein Ausländer! Come on, baby, c'est, c'est, c'est la vie!" (I'm a foreigner! (Spanish) My love, (French) my darling Foreigner! (Italian) Hello, girl, (English) take a chance on me! I'm a foreigner! (French) My love, (Russian) I love you A foreigner! (English) Come on baby, (French) it's, it's it's life!) Proudly declaring his status as a foreigner, the crowd echoes him where the echo in the refrain would normally be, the rat pumping his fists into the air; for each "pick-up" line in each foreign language, he clearly approaches a different individual in the audience, making a move towards them in some way, as though the lines are intended for them. (This will, again, include various individuals and genders, save for the "Ciao, ragazza", which is unfortunately specific, again illustrating his pansexuality.)

Honestly, I'm not sure how the rest of it would go, other than just a lot more of the same. I'm not sure yet if I'll include the last lines, a repeated "Du kommen mit, ich dir machen gut"; it's these lines in particular that completely alter the entire meaning of the song to one of sex tourism rather than just a sleazy dude. The lines are deliberately broken German, and even if they weren't broken, they aren't terribly colorful either; the closest I could come up with as a rough translation would be something like "You coming with, I make you good." It's clearly intended to be something like the call of a prostitute who is unfamiliar with the language, the sort of thing you might expect to hear in a well-known sex tourist destination. It doesn't fit with the use of the rest of the song here, but it almost kind of fits Rodrigo's character as a foreigner gigolo. It's one of those things where, if I even do get to use the song, I'd defer to Rammstein's judgement. If they want the lines to remain, then they will.

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Watching the world through the eyes of a child in Elysium.

It is remarkable how unremarkable I must be. I'm ignored. I'm seen as bottom of the rung. I'm invisible. I live in the remote mountains of southern New Mexico, where the population density is skewed by elk numbers. My neighbors include my employers, a pair of retirees running quite possibly the most important private observatory in the Northern Hemisphere; my coworkers, a former Russian who got their American citizenship within the last year and a 17-year-old; and a small handful of mostly vacationers and the occasional astronomer. I'm introverted. I'm quiet. Some might call me shy. I have social anxiety disorder, and if it weren't for my meds, it'd be hard for me to leave the house. I have a pacemaker due to a congenital heart condition. My body is literally falling apart, and I'm only 33. I have strong political beliefs. I tried to run for US Representative --- twice, in two different states. I shook hands with Bill Clinton, Mike Gravel, Gary Johnson; whenever there's been a major upheaval in this state in the last 15 years, I was there. There was a time when I was intimately tied to the student government of New Mexico Tech; nothing could happen without me knowing about it. I've been front page news, and helped others do the same. I hate Nazis; I would punch a white supremacist. I believe ICE should be prosecuted for crimes against humanity. I believe Dr. Ford. I create. I build. I hypothesize and theorize; I write and I think. I go to school for astrophysics, orbital mechanics, mathematics, and optics, all together. I'm a novelist. (I like to think I'm a novel novelist.) I love playing games; I have a collection. I repair and rebuild antique computer systems for fun. I write astronomical simulations in Python, and optical simulations in MATLAB. I raise and take care of fish. I have two broods of baby Malawi cichlids, and two more on the way. I care for two pairs of bettas. I love my two cats. (Lots of twos, I'm just realizing. I swear, I'm not Two-Face.) I have a unique name, Grady Owens. There are others, but not many. Yet, nobody knows me. Those few who do, most wouldn't recognize me. I blend into crowds; I speak up, but am easily forgotten. It is remarkable how unremarkable I must be.

[baphijmm]

Werewolf Spy 2: MONSTER

I still need to flesh out Werewolf Spy the First, and yet somehow I have exactly what I want to see for the opening of the second title. For reference, the characters involved: Arcady Thanatos Volkov: Our protagonist. 17 years old. In the wrong place at the wrong time during the Valley Peak Mall incident, and convinced to become a werewolf to help resolve it. Silas Lawrence Crouch: 56, 215 pounds and 6'2" of pure muscle. Arc first encounters him by voice, and it is he who convinces Arc to become the werewolf in the first place. His de-facto handler. Takes no shit, and gives no fucks; would not be hurt in the slightest if Arc were to die in the line of battle. The opener: To Delain's The Glory and the Scum: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vtaVKW5N_VE Opening guitar riffs, title and various important credits flash on screen; this immediately cuts, the moment the vocals come in, to Silas and Arcady on an open-sided helicopter; Silas flicks a lit cigarette out the side as Arc stews in his seat, clearly not wanting to be here. "If it bleeds" Green light, and Arc, in one swift motion, unceremoniously stands from his seat and leaps out the side of the chopper; another in the craft rushes forth as he flies off, parachute pack in hand, but Silas puts his arm up against this man's stomach to stop him, shaking his head, not even looking up as he pulls another cigarette out of its soft-pack. "Thorns remain" Wide-angle shot, Arc plummets to the ground at terminal velocity, "flowers fade" colliding in a spectacular cloud of dust and debris. Close-up as the dust billows away, revealing half of Arc's face walking towards the camera, full werewolf: "MONSTER" Cut, another close-up of dust billowing away to reveal his clawed hand on his other side: "MONSTER" Cut/swift pan out as Arc walks out of the cloud, totally unscathed: "MONSTER". He throws his arms and head back and howls to the vocalization, scene cutting as the guitar riff comes back in: Vague flashes of an extremely gory scene, claws shredding, blood flying. "Either wasteland" Screen cut by horizon in a dark room, the form of Arc's werewolf body standing on that horizon, heaving; possibly, the silhouettes of bodies might be visible in the edges of the frame. "Look at what we've done" The camera cuts to a shot of blood dripping, panning up to reveal Arc's clawed hand again. "Take a step" Another camera cut, starting centered on Arc's heaving back, slowly panning up: "what we have become" to see Arc's head turned ninety degrees, beady yellow eye glaring at the camera, blood dripping from his clenched jaws. "We're the glory and the scum" Camera zooms in on that eye, into his pupil, and we catch the faintest glimpse of Arc's human form, standing, facing the camera, tears streaming down his cheeks. This chorus, we see various cuts of Arc actually perpetrating the incredibly violent acts hinted at during the previous guitar riffs, punctuating the music: "MONSTER" Slashing someone's guts open; "sewer of uncertainty" ripping a seemingly-human figure's arm off and then clubbing them over the head with it; "MONSTER" slamming another seemingly-human's head against a wall so hard it pops; the rest, while I have not decided, will be quite similar. That's about all the further I've gotten, but the rest will have a similar feel. Now, if only I could get Production I.G. to take a look at doing this...

[baphijmm]

Star Wars: The Force Awakens: A Review.

(This is a review I'd written for Star Wars: The Force Awakens back when I first watched it, in early April of 2016. I didn't realize I'd never posted it here. So, with The Last Jedi coming out, I felt it pertinent to bring that post over here, hopefully allowing more folks to go into the movie with a much more critical attitude.)

So, as I said last night, I actually finally watched Star Wars: The Force Awakens. It was supremely frustrating.

(While I will try to keep the spoilers to a minimum, there is one minor spoiler that I need to talk about here, as well as one BIG spoiler, so they will be mentioned. If you haven't seen this film and have somehow remained spoiler-free, do avoid reading much more.)

Let me start out by saying, all the elements were there, and they tried to tell a decent story; in that regard, it was okay. But there was so much just missing, and more that was flat-out told poorly, that I felt it necessary to address it.

The problem I had with the film began from the very beginning; the movie opens with Poe Dameron being given a portion of the map to Luke Skywalker by... *checks the tab he's got open* Lor San Tekka, described in the opening crawl as an "old ally". Well, he's certainly old, but that's not my point: He's an old ally. Are we supposed to know who he is? He's not even fucking named in the film. As far as I was concerned, he was just some old guy on a desert planet. And you know what? In that context, it would have been fine. Hell, we don't know who Dameron is either, but he's kind of developed throughout the rest of the film; if he'd been just some guy who apparently had had access to Republic and/or Empire charts before the Rise of the First Order, I'd've been fine with that short an explanation. But no, he's called an "old ally" in the opening crawl of the movie, historically the most important text in the entire film for each entry in the series, and then basically completely disregarded. In fact, so little about him is said, I'd assumed he was Dameron's fucking father until I looked him up for the purposes of writing this treatise. Hell, even that explanation would have made more sense and been more satisfying than "He's just some guy the film literally made up on the spot, but then calls 'an old ally.'"

My next big beef with the film is with who they chose to direct it. I hoped, I hoped against all hope that J.J. Abrams wouldn't fucking be J.J. Abrams, but he's just incapable of that. Lens flares, especially of the sort he loves to use in sci-fi (which is actually a flare caused by a light juuuust outside the edge of the frame, but then is used in his films for any bright light presently inside the frame), used to be a sign of shitty camera work; now, they're his hallmark. And actually, I lied above: The opening scene of the movie wasn't the one with Poe Dameron and Old Guy McGuffin; it was a shot of a large collection of stormtroopers in a ship with worse electronics problems than if it had been plunged into the corona of a star. I get it: It was done for dramatic effect. You're supposed to ask: "Wait, stormtroopers? Now? And so many! This is tense!" But all I found myself asking was "Where the fuck is their goddamn fleet mechanic!?" And camera tilts and random musical stings out of literally nowhere are not a good way of artificially introducing drama and/or tension; these things have to be organic, and when presented in that way, they absolutely are not. It's piss-poor directing. Not just poor, piss-poor.

Finally, after talking almost entirely about execution up to this point, I'm going to talk about the elements of the story. The bulk of the basic plot revolves around the Resistance trying to find Luke Skywalker; after his betrayal at the hands of an apprentice of his, he (understandably) disappeared, with the only real hint to his possible location being that he'd been interested in seeking out the very first Jedi temple. Naturally, the Jedi archives would have held that information, but with most of the Jedi order massacred and the building likely sacked, it's reasonable there wouldn't be much information left there to go on; further, with Coruscant's destruction occurring within the film (a big plot hole present in the Original Trilogy thanks to the introduction of the Prequel Trilogy, that I'm glad they finally rectified), any records held by the Republic are now likely vaporized as well. It's reasonable that these people would not know where the original Jedi temple was located, and even reasonable to think that, were they given a name of a planet, or even a system, they probably wouldn't know where that was.

But that's not the plot of the story. No, they're seeking out a map to Luke Skywalker, not to this Jedi temple. Old Man McGoo up there had a piece of a map specifically to Luke Skywalker. The First Order talks about how they have records from the old Empire, but understandably they'd have no idea Luke was off looking for this old historic location; they needed a map to Luke, and that's all they were after. This being the entirety of the plot was pretty problematic, but then to use this type of language surrounding it is downright awful. I mean, did Luke document his journey? Did he keep a public record of it? He can't have wanted to disappear if that was the case. It would have taken literally no time or effort for the map to have been called "The map to the first Jedi temple", or "The map that might lead to Skywalker".

This kinda leads me into my next point: This film sucks at explaining shit. The writers (one of whom was J.J., whom I would like to blame for most of this) seemed to have a very, very, impossibly hard time discerning the difference between keeping things secret for the purposes of setting up spoilers, and just not explaining shit. Let me give an example from the Original Trilogy (and if you don't know this spoiler by now, you're living under a rock and need to fix that): The fact of Luke Skywalker's heritage isn't explained outside of a short blurb that his father died in the first movie, and that Darth Vader killed him in the second. And that's all we needed. Actually, if anything, the "question" of Rey's heritage was largely handled okay as well; it was only upon her grabbing the Skywalker lightsaber that the question became extremely poorly handled. But the fact is, Luke "knows" Darth Vader killed his father (as did the audience), and so, when Darth Vader says "No, I am your father," it's a huge shock and a massive reveal.

In this film, there are SO MANY unanswered questions. What started the First Order? Why didn't the Republic crush it when they had the chance? (The Republic is literally — not figuratively — literally the representative government of the entire goddamn galaxy; how do they only have the resources for a small Resistance movement?) Who is Old Man McGee, and how did he come by this map fragment? How did Snoke get to Kylo Ren during his apprenticeship and corrupt him? And some of these questions, notably the last one, are reasonable things to say "We're planning on making those reveals into huge spoilers in the coming films", but then give the viewer something. ANYTHING. Fucking First Order built a goddamn base into the core of a fucking planet, I'd like to know who the hell they are and how they're entirely separate from the Republic.

And then there's the question of Finn. He's a stormtrooper; he was trained from what might as well be birth (he states he was taken away from his family before he was old enough to remember who they were, meaning likely his more mature memory hadn't developed yet, so it might as well be from birth), which almost always means (and is confirmed by the General) permanent conditioning. So, what, he sees the death on Jakku and suddenly gets cold feet? Conditioning from birth is not something so easily shaken off, and surely he's seen fucking death (especially of his platoon mates) as part of his conditioning. So why is it that this single death suddenly changes his entire outlook? How is he suddenly a human if he's literally been trained from birth to be a monster? And there's a bit of a hint to this in Snoke's dialogue: "There's been an awakening." (And given that this was before Rey's awakening, and further before Kylo Ren seems to even know about Rey, it seems pretty likely he's talking about Finn.) Okay, but of what? Were they hypnotically conditioned, and the shock just destroyed that conditioning in him?

And it's here that it becomes painfully obvious that the writers have no idea what military service is like. Boot camp destroys your psyche; it's designed to, for this very reason. You don't want your servicemen rejecting the very basic things they were trained to do at boot camp. If they desert on the battlefield, that's one thing, but during basic training, there are methods employed to break you. And if an entire fighting force has been trained in this manner from goddamn birth, it would be highly unlikely that he'd just suddenly drop all that.

Doing research into it for this review, it turns out the stormtrooper whose death affected him so badly was a particularly close trooper who went by "Slips", something that was "explained" in a companion young adult book released at the same time the film was in theatres. Aaaaand that's a problem. If you're creating a world within a film, don't defer to companion material to fill in the gaps you were too lazy to write into your script, especially when said gaps literally make up the entirety of a primary fucking protagonist. (And also, since you're deferring that to the book, why the hell does he claim to not have a name? His name was FN2187, and the name he went by with those very same friends in the service was "Eight-Seven". THAT'S HIS GODDAMN NAME. Poe could have looked at that, said "That's not a proper name" or something to that effect, and then given him the name Finn. It didn't have to be a big convoluted mess, and this smacks of slipshod writing!)

And so it is that this leads into the next point: The spoilers themselves.

So, here's the thing. Spoilers? They ought to be something you don't see coming. They need to be something integral to the plot, but at the same time hidden, whether behind layers of lies or subtle retellings. And the writer of the scene where we meet Han Solo kinda knew that. Han explains that Luke used to train Jedi, in an attempt to restore the order; however, "an apprentice" destroyed that attempt, and forced Luke into hiding. Now, it's pretty easy to guess who that apprentice might have been, given we've already seen him, he's literally the only other user of the Force we've seen thus far in the film, and he's clearly a practitioner of the Dark Side; however, it still doesn't reveal much more than that. We don't yet know who Kylo Ren is. He just sorta seems to be the guy filling in for Darth Vader, which IS OKAY. This was handled well.

It's when Snoke spills the beans where the spoiler becomes, well, spoiled. "Your father, Han Solo, is with them." (Or something to that effect. And he's actually given the order, perhaps in a roundabout way [I honestly don't remember it very well], at this point to flat-out kill Han, which kinda destroys the impact later.) "Oh, great, now I know Kylo's a force-user, born to Han Solo, who was apprenticed to Luke Skywalker when he attacked the Jedi order. Guess what? Mommy's gotta be Leia!" And sure enough, in the scene at the cantina, Han outright states in response to the question of why he doesn't return home: "C'mon, Leia would kill me." You know what would have been a better set of events for this thing? Snoke: "Han Solo is with them. I don't know if you can handle it." (Or whatever he says after the fact to doubt Kylo Ren's commitment to Sparkle Motion.) Han: "C'mon, my wife would kill me." Sure, we can probably guess that Han and Leia hooked up after the end of The Return of the Jedi, but we can keep it kind of hidden from the viewers for a bit! Have the scene where Leia is revealed fucking matter! You had a huge orchestral score sting that moment; fucking make it count! And the scene that follows, where Kylo Ren is sulking in his room, asking for guidance from his "grandfather" and we pan up to see the charred remains of Darth Vader's head? Hell, leave that in; we can easily assume the movie means his father is Luke! We know he was Luke's apprentice, and we could see how Han was walking on eggshells talking about it; let the audience put two and two together, and then when Han asks to look on the face of his son in the end, have that be the big reveal! It was clearly written to parallel the same line in Return of the Jedi; fucking do it right!

And then, Kylo kills Han. But, no, not really. Because Kylo Ren breaks down in front of his father, revealing that he's struggling with this schism in his psyche, that he's truly afraid of what might happen if he were to fail. And so Han takes the lightsaber (hell, he all but does it on screen), points it at his midsection, and turns it on. And as he collapses forward, eyes wide at just how much dying fucking hurts, Kylo Ren thanks him. Because OF COURSE he couldn't do it himself; he'd been (surprisingly well-) established as a pissant crybaby, a wannabe who even the fucking General couldn't take seriously. And this scene is so unremarkable because of how absolutely poorly the spoilers were handled that later, when Rey, Finn, and Chewbacca escape from the Starkiller Base aboard the Millenium Falcon, my first thought was "Wait, why aren't they stopping to pick up Han S--oh, right."

And following this scene is the fight between first Finn and Kylo Ren, and then Rey and Kylo Ren. Finn, whose training in hand-to-hand combat we've seen wasn't exactly the best, manages to land a hit on Kylo during this fight (largely because Kylo was too busy broadcasting his weak point to properly fight back); then in the fight with Rey, it again becomes incredibly obvious that she's not trained in hand-to-hand at all what with how often she leaves herself wide fucking open (hell, she makes the same mistake Darth Maul did in Episode I repeatedly), but Kylo completely fails to land a hit on her. And at the time, I was frustrated; I wanted to know who the choreographer was, so I could avoid watching any further movies they might work on. And I mean, I get it: Rey simultaneously needs to appear entirely untrained, and also live. But the fact is, she should not have lived after that fight, and with that thought constantly in the back of my mind, it lessened the potential impact that fight could have had.

And it was here that someone else chimed in, while I was ranting about these problems on Twitter: Apparently, it was established in other lore that Kylo Ren hadn't even been given the training on how to build a proper lightsaber; that's why his crackles and flays as much as it does (though Luke's does almost exactly the same, to the point that red and blue flickers on both characters' faces when they have the lightsabers held up in front of their faces, and I'm pretty sure that was just a shitty design choice on the part of J.J. again that someone else tried to retcon), and further why it has the little mini-sabers on the sides --- apparently, those are supposed to be vents because the crystal he used to build his lightsaber was cracked and so insanely unstable, it needed the vents in order to not explode. All of this was supposed to lead the viewer to understand that Kylo Ren knows literally nothing about lightsabers, in spite of him being literally the Master of the Knights of Ren, except we come back to the point I was making earlier: This film sucks balls at explaining literally ANY-GODDAMN-THING.

And now, we come to the meat of my beef with this film: The McGuffin itself. No, I'm not talking about Luke Skywalker; I'm talking about the map to Luke Skywalker I was talking about earlier, that serves as the entire driving force of the plot throughout Acts One and Two. When BB-8 is introduced to Han Solo and Rey tells him the robot has the map, we first see it; it looks like what you'd expect a map of a portion of the galaxy to look like. In this regard, they actually did quite well. Later, when it's handed over to the Resistance, Leia states that the map contains worlds and systems nobody's heard of, that don't show up or physically match anything in any databases at their disposal (which should be the entire Republic's databases, considering, you know, they are the fucking Republic's fighting force). And this isn't unreasonable: In Episode II, we see an entire system wiped from the Jedi records; further, it could very easily be mildly encrypted, disguised in such a way that without the proper cypher, the map is entirely useless because it's all just gibberish and scribbles.

And then, after the destruction of the Starkiller Base (which is horrible and stupid, but that's a rant for another time), R2-D2 comes to life with the galactic maps in his systems; it could be that he was processing them and trying to make sense of them, but then why didn't the Resistance use, you know, dedicated navigational computers for that task? But that's neither here nor there; no, my problem was that, with that map, suddenly (VERY suddenly), BB-8's portion of the map makes perfect sense because it fits into that map. Except it's shown to be a goddamn massive chunk of the galaxy, and it fits in perfectly with no encryption, and literally just points to where Luke Skywalker is. Could literally nobody cross-check any of that map!? "Oh hell, here, here's Blibbity-Bloop; there's the map!" But no, it's literally just that nobody had any idea where this massive freaking chunk of the galaxy fit in. You know, the galaxy that the Jedi had mapped out in its entirety, a map they likely shared with the Republic as their protectors and benefactors.

It would have been fine if R2-D2 woke up and just suddenly had the encryption cypher; that would have been acceptable. Combine that with BB-8's map and suddenly, "Ah! This is the UNIX system! I know this!" But the way it was presented in the film, it made no sense, was clearly thrown in to try and push the ending as quickly as possible, and to appeal to the Lowest Common Denominator.

And this is illustrative of the overall feel of the film: Rushed, dumbed down to an extreme, missing vast portions that are left to be explained by external material, and ultimately an incomplete movie.

[baphijmm]

Super Mario Odyssey: Initial Reactions

So, I'd been saving up for a little bit, but I'd been having difficulty bringing myself to actually buy a Nintendo Switch. I'm not a fan of Splatoon; I don't tend to like party games (and don't have any friends to play them with, besides); the only game I'd been even remotely interested in on the system was Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild, but lately I just don't have the time to play a game like that, entertaining as it may appear to be. (And it looks phenomenal, and I fully intend to play it at some point in the future, but I digress.) Fact is, the library simply hasn't been there to justify the admittedly rather large investment.

I'd still be making that argument had I not walked into the local game store Saturday evening and they flat-out told me they had Switches in stock. See, that was the other issue with the console: They simply haven't been available. You had to be a product reviewer or a close personal friend of Reggie Fils-Aimé to get your hands on one. Nintendo has this really poor marketing philosophy that intends to drum up demand, but all it does is drive that demand to competitors --- including scalpers, who turn around and sell a nonexistent console for massive profit, none of which Nintendo sees. But, that's a rant for another day.

So, they had a Switch, and I had the capital. It seemed as fitting a time as any. And with that purchase, I also obtained a copy of Super Mario Odyssey, the only other game on the console to pique my interest: It had just come out, so, that was the trifecta.

Some backstory: The last Mario game I'd actually gotten excited about was Super Mario Sunshine. I enjoyed Super Mario Galaxy, and Super Paper Mario had great gameplay (if a mediocre story, given the hype), but... that was it. I didn't much care for New Super Mario Bros. or any of its various incarnations and reincarnations; Super Marios 3D Land and World were playable, but nothing really special, at least to me.

Odyssey, I wasn't really sure what to expect: It clearly looked like a return to the 3D Mario formula with the added twist of Cappy, but beyond that, I hadn't really seen much. I knew nothing of the story, nothing of the actual gameplay, barely anything about the system: Which is exactly what I like going into a new Mario game. Completely blind, not knowing what to expect.

I don't want to spoil anything, but fact is, at this point I really can't spoil much; I've been enjoying exploring the first few areas so much, I've not progressed the story hardly at all. THAT, my friends, THAT is the halmark of a good Mario game: That I can pick it up, and enjoy it. It's loads of fun to just wander around the Kingdoms, looking for shit to do. It's a touch frustrating when you find something obvious, but the game forces you to come back later to accomplish that item, which this game does a surprising amount; however, it's bearable.

No, my biggest complaint thus far has to do with the controls. I don't mind motion controls; hell, I loved Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess on the Wii, with just the Wiimote and the nunchuk. But here... This game feels more like the motion controls were shoehorned in because they felt like they needed to be there, and then they made certain actions only performable via those motion controls. It comes across as sloppy, and if you prefer to play platformers with a rigid controller as I do, it makes the game a lot less fun to have to sit there and consciously shake the whole controller around just to get Mario to do the thing.

This probably wouldn't be so bad if the Joy-Cons were designed a little differently. I know, the idea was that you could use the two that came in the box for two-player party games, and so they needed to have the same sort of controls on both, but that really doesn't work so well when, in a platformer, you're controlling Mario's movement with one hand, the camera with the other, and then trying to use the camera control hand to make him jump and/or toss Cappy, while trying to keep the camera behaving (which is next to impossible in the Deep Woods, seriously), AND trying to use the LZ button on the first controller to get him to do anything with any sort of urgency? It's too much for two separate hands. (The size and weight of the controllers doesn't help this.)

Which brings me to my other complaint about controls: The speed. Mario walks at a decent pace, sure, but these worlds are huge. Many times, it's just easier to have him roll, or long jump, both of which are accomplished with the LZ button and either the jump or throw button. I understand, with Cappy's mechanics, they couldn't make the throw button also be the run button (as had been done in previous Mario titles), because you need to be able to hold Cappy in place in certain situations where you do not want to be running; that much, I'm okay with. But then, the LZ button is also the button used to release Mario/Cappy's control of other creatures.

This is especially problematic with Bullet Bills.

In the Sand Kingdom, without going into too much detail, there are many large crevaces that Mario must cross by "capturing" a Bullet Bill and flying over. While controlling other creatures, the Y button --- which is the throw button in every other instance --- is the accelerate button, and Bullet Bills are no exception. As stated before, LZ releases the creature, dropping Mario wherever it happens to be.

I died a good handful of times because I was trying to make Mario go faster as Bullet Bill, and used the LZ button to do so.

You can't change up what button allows your character to accelerate, especially if the alternative causes him to plunge to his death!

BUT. In spite of all that, it's still a fantastically fun game. Like I said, the exploration in it is just phenomenal, and you really feel good about finding the various Power Moons (this game's version of Stars, or Shine Sprites) and hidden Purple Coins scattered everywhere.

The Purple Coins are an interesting and fun mechanic, that I feel add another layer to the game: Each Kingdom has its own form, and those found in one Kingdom cannot be used in another. These coins are used to purchase new costumes and souvenirs for each area, completely optional (unless you want to get to the final area, I'm told), but still loads of fun. Each area has enough Purple Coins to buy exactly everything in that Kingdom, so it's a good challenge to find them all.

You can also buy things with regular coins, another relatively new mechanic, at least for the main-line Mario games. The items you can buy with regular coins are fairly consistent across all Kingdoms, and are wholly different from those you can buy with Purple Coins. If nothing else, you can pretty consistently find a Power Moon for sale in each Kingdom, for regular coins.

Another big change in this game: You don't have lives. Rather, each time you die, you lose ten (regular) coins. I'm not sure what happens when you die without that many, as it's pretty easy to make them back; if you died such that you hadn't fallen off the level, those ten coins are exactly where you had died, meaning you can even scavenge your own things if you can manage to survive doing so. This gives the game a much more free feel, as you're not constantly worried about losing all your lives and having to start all over; further, the way the game is structured, starting over in any given Kingdom would be devastating, as the whole thing is free-flow, rather than the level-style areas of previous 3D Mario titles. (Personally, I like this new style.)

So, in conclusion: Fantastic game, loads of fun, but would greatly benefit from an altered control scheme. (Maybe make use of the... geez, nine other buttons that either don't do anything or are mapped to the same command, maybe?)

[baphijmm]

Chrono Trigger and Cross: A Chronology.

Allow me to introduce to you the timelines and history of the Chrono series of games, as interpreted by myself.

(This writing is HUGE, and took me roughly ten to twelve full hours to complete. Proceed accordingly. Also, there are several MASSIVE spoilers. If you've never played Chrono Trigger and / or Chrono Cross, and intend to, I would recommend stopping here.)

65,000,000 BC, a war rages between the humans and reptites. The reptites are far more advanced, having a clear grasp on technology; they create the Sun Stone, an item that all but guarantees their victory and the humans' extinction. Before they can use it, a massive alien being falls directly on the reptite Tyrano Lair, the resulting impact and following Ice Age completely wiping that species from the face of the planet. Ayla, the leader of the humans in this time (and marked as such by being the guardian of a chunk of Dreamstone, something that will become important later), officially names Lavos, a word in her language with "La" meaning "fire" and "Vos" meaning "big." Three more important events occur as a direct result of this impact: The Sun Stone is thrown across the planet to an undisclosed location; the Frozen Flame splinters off Lavos' main body, remaining on the surface as Lavos burrows deep into the planet's crust; and a massive shell in the reptites' possession is compacted into the Rainbow Shell. Humans, too, take to living underground due to the resultant Ice Age.

It is important to understand within the context of the Chrono series that timelines are not fated; they exist due to will at given times. As such, there is an alternate timeline wherein Lavos chose not to collide with Earth, but rather some other planet. In this timeline, the reptites handily win their war, and the human race is eradicated instead. These two timelines coexist; while it is stated in Chrono Cross (I think?) that dead timelines end up in the Darkness Beyond Time, neither of these timelines is dead; both are perfectly valid possibilities, dependent upon the quantum choice of Lavos. This fact is important for much later.

Time passes, with Lavos slumbering inside the Earth. In 3,000,000 BC, the humans find the Frozen Flame for the first time; this initial contact speeds their evolution due to Lavos' influence, granting these early humans the ability to wield magic. This creates three "classes" of humans: Those who can innately use magic, those who can use magic with assistance, and those who cannot use magic at all. It is possible that a single human might have come in contact with the Frozen Flame in this era; however, such is never mentioned. I'll come back to this point later as well. Sufficed to say, some time after this era and before the Age of Antiquity, the Frozen Flame was lost.

Having lost the Frozen Flame, humans continued to rely on their own abilities to flourish, including the newfound magic. Some time before 12,000 BC, the Age of Antiquity, these humans found the Sun Stone. Having been buried in ash and likely quite a bit of earth, the stone had lost much of its charge; however, it was still quite powerful, and in addition to bringing the humans who required assistance to use magic up to the state of being able to use it innately, it was capable of raising chunks of land into the sky. These land masses eventually became the kingdom of Zeal, a country formed by the magic-using humans who now refer to themselves as the Enlightened Ones, while the non-magic humans remained below on the still-frozen surface as the Earthbound.

Approaching the year 12,000 BC, two children, are born, Schala and Janus; Schala is born to King and Queen Zeal, while Janus is born to an unknown family and later adopted by the Zeal royalty. King Zeal dies at some point after Schala's birth, and Queen Zeal ascends to the throne. After Queen Zeal's ascention, the Frozen Flame is found, alongside a large reserve of Dreamstone; it is discovered that this Dreamstone can function as a catalyst for Lavos' power, and coupling the Frozen Flame with the Dreamstone, the Kingdom of Zeal attains a new power source. This new contraption, called the Mammon Machine, provides far more power to the Enlightened Ones than the Sun Stone ever could (without being recharged). With the Mammon Machine built, the Sun Stone is retired, placed inside a structure called the Sun Palace.

During the construction of the Mammon Machine, Schala comes in direct contact with the Frozen Flame. Belthasar, one of the Gurus of Zeal (alongside Gaspar and Melchior), witnesses this moment of contact. As a result, Schala unknowingly becomes something of an ambassador between Lavos and the humans, something Belthasar calls an Arbiter. It irreversibly links Schala to Lavos, in times both before and after the contact. The three Gurus together create a pendant out of Dreamstone for Schala to more easily commune with the Frozen Flame and receive her own power from it. Melchior is the most likely contributor of this artifact, as he is known to have created one other item out of Dreamstone: the Masamune, a weapon forged of Dreamstone and the Guru's own dreams (Masa and Mune) designed to destroy the Mammon Machine should anything go awry.

Queen Zeal, meanwhile, though she has not come into direct contact with the Frozen Flame, she is in nearly constant proximity to it; this begins corrupting her. Queen Zeal becomes more and more ambitious with the power given to the kingdom by this item, and further becomes more cruel towards everyone around her. These are also important items to note for later.

Queen Zeal demands a new facility be constructed to not only house the Mammon Machine, but to directly interface with Lavos itself. This facility, the Ocean Palace, is designed by Belthasar; he also designs a new airship for travel to the facility as it is being constructed, called the Blackbird. Dalton, an important military leader within Zeal, is given command of the Blackbird, and further is tasked with the construction of the Ocean Palace; he accomplishes this by enslaving the Earthbound.

Gaspar, meanwhile, is researching something wholly different within his labs in Zeal: He's looking for a way to travel through time. He eventually creates a series of artifacts known as Time Eggs, mysterious devices that function as self-contained "Time Gates" allowing their user to travel to any time they wish. These Time Eggs require several stipulations to be met before time travel is possible, largely to do with the nature of the travel, the time period being traveled to, and the time period being traveled from. Essentially, in order to perform time travel with a Time Egg, one must assure a balance is maintained within the timeline: If you're going back in time, for example, to save a historically-important individual from death, a being of equal importance --- specifically, a clone --- must be used to activate the Time Egg. One of these Time Eggs in particular is the Chrono Trigger, a Time Egg capable of delivering a miracle --- for a price.

Upon completion of the Ocean Palace, Queen Zeal, her two children, and the three Gurus stand by to witness its powering up; this act brings Lavos out of hibernation. Fully awake, it exacts several acts: It sends those present to differing moments in time --- Melchior to 1000 AD, Belthasar to a time just before 2300 AD, and Gaspar to the End of Time, a pocket dimension occurring at the literal end of the timeline; Janus, who wanders into the temporal distortion as it begins, is transported to a time shortly before 600 AD; Schala, in an act of defiance against Lavos, either transports her mother to safety or kills her (it's never really explained, as we never see this version of the event take place). As a punishment for this defiance, Schala is transported to the Darkness Beyond Time.

The Kingdom of Zeal falls from the sky, and eventually the magic-using people die out, leaving only the Earthbound (with a VERY limited few surviving, in particular the ancestors of Norstein Bekkler, or perhaps that individual himself). Some time around here, the Mystics emerge, a race of magic-using non-humans capable of incredible power; it is possible they were remnants of the Kingdom of Zeal, but their origin beyond this rough period of time is never explained. Schala's pendant is found by one of the Earthbound families, Guardia, which eventually rises to royalty within the new world in the Kingdom of Guardia. This kingdom's founding is the world's official point between BC and AD, occurring in the year 1 AD.

Schala's pendant is passed down through the female line of Guardia for hundreds of years. In a time before 590 AD, Janus emerges from his Time Gate, coincidentally being witnessed by a powerful Mystic named Ozzie. Ozzie takes the still very young child in, teaching him how to harness his own innate magical abilities (recall, Janus was born of the Enlightened Ones, and thus did have magic, which he did know how to use), and eventually allowing him to lead the Mystics. Janus renames himself Magus, signifying this strong difference between his present life and that he once had in Zeal. He begins Mystic aggressions against the Kingdom of Guardia, in an attempt to amass power.

In 590 AD, a woman named Leene marries King Guardia XXI, becoming Queen Leene. (It's possible Queen Leene was from the city-state of Porre, and her marriage was an attempt to foster peace between Porre and Guardia? I don't remember if that was a thing.) She becomes fond of the kingdom's head knight, Cyrus, and his apprentice, Glenn. The two perform a series of heroic tasks for the Queen, and later that year Cyrus finds the Masamune, taking it for himself. Shortly after this, Cyrus and Glenn are sent to fight Magus; Magus breaks the Masamune, kills Cyrus with the help of Ozzie, and, deeming Glenn unworthy of a warrior's death, turns him into an anthropomorphic frog.

In 600 AD, Queen Leene is abducted by a creature living in the forest around Guardia Castle. Glenn, who now goes by Frog (the Queen does not know the two are one and the same), rescues the Queen from the clutches of Yakra, in a secret chamber hidden within a cathedral to the west of Guardia Castle. Magus eventually succeeds in amassing the power he required and summons Lavos to this time period, to attempt to kill the creature for what he can only assume is the death of his sister. He succeeds in summoning Lavos, but fails in his revenge: Lavos easily kills him. As a result of Magus' "disappearance," the Mystics lose the war with Guardia. Queen Leene's rescue is seen as the impetus for the sudden loss of will from the Mystics, and as such a park is built to commemorate the occasion. The park is called Leene Square, and is accented with a bell tower housing Leene's Bell.

The year 1000 AD introduces some temporal shenanigans. For the time being, I will simply state that King Guardia XXXIII rules Guardia; Ozzie's descendent Ozzie VIII runs Medina village, a settlement of Mystics on a separate continent; a Millenial Fair is held in Leene Square to celebrate the Kingdom of Guardia's one thousand years of rule; and three important individuals, Crono, Lucca, and Princess Marle Nadia of Guardia, are alive. All three of these important people are born some time before 990 AD, Marle to King Guardia XXXIII and Queen Aliza, Lucca to Taban and Lara, and Crono to an unknown father and unnamed mother. Lara has an accident with one of Taban / Lucca's inventions in 990 AD, causing her to lose the use of her legs; between 990 and 1000 AD, Queen Aliza dies, passing Schala's pendant to Princess Marle Nadia's posession. Melchior emerges from his temporal displacement, setting up shop outside of Medina and putting his smithing skills to use in order to live in this new time.

Assuming no temporal shenanigans, in 1999 AD, Lavos surfaces on the planet Earth. The world has become radically advanced thanks largely to the inventions of Lucca, humanity thriving in separate domes instead of cities, but it all comes crashing down in an instant: Lavos bursts through the planet's crust, destroying much of the surface and expelling its offspring out into space to consume their own planets. This dooms the human race, and ultimately all life on Earth; the planet enters into an Ice Age from which it cannot recover, forcing the few humans who survived into small, isolated domes for shelter. Lucca's inventions help keep them alive with purely substantial food and highly limited "sleep pods"; their lives are awful, and are spent purely living.

Shortly before the Day of Lavos, as it comes to be known, an artificial being named Prometheus, R-66Y, is created in the Geno Dome, built by an artificial intelligence called Mother Brain as something of an overseer; he, along with a female companion, Atropos XR, were tasked with watching the Proto Dome and the Geno Dome, respectively. When Lavos emerges, Prometheus is disabled; after this point, Mother Brain, seeing that humanity was on the brink of extinction and reasoning that the planet would rebound after they had all passed, instructed Atropos to amass a "nation of steel", a population and army of robots who survived the Day of Lavos, within Geno Dome.

Shortly before 2300 AD, Belthasar emerges from his temporal displacement to this ruined world. It is here that he begins working on a new design he'd come up with alongside Gaspar shortly before the Ocean Palace incident, a vehicle capable of travelling through time without the use of Time Eggs, dubbed the Epoch. In 2300 AD, he succeeds in completing it, dying shortly thereafter. Over the next several (hundred?) years, the last of the humans dies off, the last of Lavos' spawn leaves the planet, and eventually Mother Brain likely realizes her vision of a robot civilization.

In the End of Time, Gaspar emerges after the Ocean Palace incident. Here, he constructs a small platform from which to witness the events of history. It is likely he meets Spekkio, the self-proclaimed God of War, in this place, where he had been witnessing the various wars and battles on the Earth for eons.

What I've just finished describing is what is known as the Lavos timeline, the timeline wherein Lavos crashes, influences the history of humanity, and ultimately emerges to destroy them. This is the timeline as it exists before the events of Chrono Trigger.

Going back to 1000 AD, Crono attends the Millenial Fair, where he knows his friend Lucca is planning a demonstration of several of her inventions. He runs into Princess Marle Nadia of Guardia, not realizing it's her (or that she ran away from Guardia Castle in order to experience the fair for herself). The two of them watch Lucca's demonstration of a matter teleportation machine; Marle, excited by the possibility this machine represents, exclaims a desire to travel with it, which Lucca allows. Marle, wearing Schala's pendant, enters the machine, which reacts to the pendant; instead of transporting her several feet to the left, the machine creates a temporal anomaly, throwing Marle back in time four hundred years. Lucca is startled by this development, and Crono offers to follow Marle (no one knowing she'd traveled back in time); using the pendant, which fell to the ground when Marle disappeared, he enters the machine and is also thrown back in time.

In the year 600 AD, Marle emerges from the temporal anomaly. Bearing an uncanny resemblance to her 10x great-grandmother, Queen Leene, she is mistaken for the missing Queen and taken to Guardia Castle instead. Crono emerges moments later, with Marle already long gone, but with enough information he learns where she ended up. He goes to Guardia Castle, where he witnesses Marle disappear due to temporal problems: With Marle replacing Leene, it becomes increasingly likely that Leene will be killed by Yakra, meaning the history that led to Marle's birth would not have come to pass. This causes Marle to be ripped from space-time, and thrown into the Darkness Beyond Time.

It is important to note here that the disappearance of Marle appears to be a paradox in conjunction with the fact that, within the context of the series, all time is determined by individual will as opposed to fate; as long as Leene is still alive, Marle's existence is not impossible. However, it is also important to realize that King Guardia XXI had called off the search for Queen Leene once Marle was found, believing her to be the missing queen; as a result, the chance that the real Leene would have been found is slim to none.

Many individuals attempting to compile the chronology of the Chrono series seem to stumble with this event, as they seem to think the world within the games functions on the concept of Time Traveller's Immunity: Namely, that while time travellers may change the course of history, the fact of their own history does not change. The thought behind this concept within the world of Chrono is simply that Crono and friends do not appear to witness their own timelines changing as a result of the temporal shenanigans they incur. This seems silly however, as for certain, every item they change within the timeline does precious little to affect any of the travellers to begin with; the one example that is cited the most often is the incident wherein Crono gives the ancestor of Porre's mayor a piece of jerky in 600 AD, which translates down the line in 1000 AD to Porre's mayor giving Crono the Sun Stone, an act that, until the change, was not possible. Fact is, in changing events in the past, within the context of Chrono, causes a new "dimension" to split from the main timeline. The events that Crono and crew influence are the true timeline, while the others, which did exist, do still exist, but as a separate item. Crono's history to that point is safe because that timeline still exists; further, the result of that timeline also exists, and so he can travel to the later point and reap the benefits.

Within this context, it is entirely possible for Marle to disappear as a direct result of the temporal shenanigans presented thus far: While it's true that Marle's timeline wherein she was born might still potentially exist, the fact is, the split in the timeline could only occur due to personal will. Once Marle is discovered to be "Queen Leene", the will to find the actual Queen Leene disappears, and that timeline goes with it. As a result of this time travel, the timeline wherein Marle is born actually does cease to exist, one of the only actual instances of such in the entire Chrono series.

I also wish to state, the "motives" presented by the fan community for "The Entity" causing Marle to disappear are silly: If Crono and crew had simply returned to their own time after Lucca emerged in 600 AD with the Gate Key, Leene would have been found correctly, the Chancellor still would have instituted a justice system as a result of the kidnapping, Crono still would have been tried for crimes against the Kingdom of Guardia, and the events thereafter when Crono and crew travels forward in time still would have taken place. There was no need for a "kick in the pants" at that point in time; such an explanation is misguided at best, overly-simplistic and overlooking clear evidence at worst.

Returning to the story:

Lucca arrives in the room shortly after Marle's disappearance (just barely escaping the doomed timeline herself, using the pendant that fell from Crono to fashion a Gate Key), explains the Grandfather Paradox to Crono, and reasons they must find and rescue the real Queen Leene before she's killed if they want to see Marle ever again. The two travel to the cathedral they remembered (from their own history) was where Leene was eventually found; here, they meet Frog, who discovered shortly after they left that this found Leene had just disappeared. Frog assists Crono and Lucca in rescuing Leene, whereupon Marle returns to the corrected timeline in the same place she'd disappeared. The chancellor, who Yakra had been impersonating, insists on creating a justice system to punish criminals who act against the kingdom itself. All temporal issues wrapped up nicely, Crono, Marle, and Lucca go back to the temporal anomaly created when they traveled back in time, and return to 1000 AD.

Back in their own time, Crono is immediately arrested for what is seen as the kidnapping of Princess Nadia; the Kingdom of Guardia sees the events of her disappearance as so similar to those surrounding the disappearance of Queen Leene, that they take the situation very seriously and try him for the exact same crime. Marle and Lucca break him out of prison after the trial, and the trio escapes through a Time Gate in Guardia Forest.

I should take a moment to define Time Gates, and what possibly creates them. Time Gates are temporal anomalies throughout the world of Chrono Trigger, in general in places where the timeline is weakened. I personally think of them as tears in the fabric of spacetime, in general often as a result of Lavos' influence (it is revealed in the plot of Chrono Cross, which we'll be getting to later, that Lavos is capable of witnessing moments in time not related to its current location within the timeline, and further that it is capable of tearing objects out of their times and into new times; as such, it is fully capable of these Time Gates); important historical events occur, Lavos sees them, and creates a tear in order to produce a timeline most beneficial to it. It is purely coincidental that the protagonists of Chrono Trigger utilize them towards their own ends.

This particular Time Gate transports Crono, Marle, and Lucca to the year 2300 AD. Here, in the world after the Day of Lavos, they witness the remnants of humanity struggling to simply survive, none displaying any sort of drive towards anything else. They learn of the possibility of another Time Gate in Proto Dome, and travel there to investigate. In doing so, Lucca finds and revives Prometheus, R-66Y; having forgotten his name in the several hundred years he's been deactivated, Lucca renames him Robo. With the help of Robo, the trio learns of the Day of Lavos; Marle insists that they use their ability to travel through time to stop this event from occurring, creating an Ideal Timeline. Crono and Lucca agree, and with Robo, they all step into the Time Gate.

This throws the four of them into the End of Time. Gaspar explains that, because there are four of them, and only three individuals can travel using the same Time Gate at the same time, that the four of them were dumped in this pocket of spacetime in order to rectify the situation. (This is the game's way of limiting your party to three characters.) Crono and crew decides who should continue on and who should remain at the End of Time, in the event the party needs to return and request their assistance. While here, the party meets Spekkio, who awakens everyone's innate ability to perform magic. Because the party has managed to enter the End of Time, every time they use a Time Gate from then on, it dumps them there first.

Leaving the End of Time, the travelling trio emerges in Medina, 1000 AD, where the resident Mystics are generally hostile towards them. They travel to meet Melchior, but precious little comes of this meeting at that moment. They then travel through Heckran Cave to return to Crono and Lucca's home city of Truce. Going back to the new Time Gate at the Millenial Fair, they open up a series of portals at the End of Time, one going to that Time Gate and one going to the Time Gate in 600 AD where they first emerged after the Millenial Fair incident. They then open up another pair of portals from Guardia Forest, one in 1000 AD and the other in 2300 AD. This gives them much larger range of travel throughout the timelines.

In Heckran Cave and Medina, the party learns of Magus' plans to summon Lavos in 600 AD; as such, they travel to that time (using the newly-created portal) to try and stop him. They travel to the city-state of Porre to find a legendary hero named Tata. (It is here that Crono and crew can learn of the wife of the Elder wanting some Spicy Jerky; if given to her, for free, this changes the timeline such that the Mayor of Porre in 1000 AD knows compassion and helpfulness, granting the party the Sun Stone.) Tata is, unfortunately, nowhere to be found, but another hero happens to live just north of Porre, in the Cursed Woods; the party travels here and meets up with Frog, who, upon hearing of Guardia's plight, insists that he is no hero, and cannot help them.

The party chases Tata down to a location called the Denadoro Mountains, where it is revealed that he is hardly a hero at all; it is here that the party finds the broken Masamune. Upon defeating the brothers Masa and Mune, they entrust the broken sword to Crono, hoping he might find a means of repairing it. Chasing down Tata again back to Porre, he reveals he was only posing as a hero because he found a Hero's Badge dropped by Frog. This and Masamune in hand, they return to Frog's hideout, who insists he is no hero, and that even if the Masamune were whole, he is not worthy to wield it. He reveals he has the hilt of the sword, which bears an inscription: "MELCHIOR".

Returning to Melchior in 1000 AD, he recognizes the blade, but tells Crono and crew that he cannot reforge it without Dreamstone. There isn't any left on Earth, he laments, and informs them that it existed long, long ago, longer than they could possibly imagine. This is their hint to travel to the one oddball portal at the End of Time, 65,000,000 BC.

Traveling to that time, they meet Ayla, who is at war with the reptites. After Crono and crew helps her dispatch of a small cluster of them, she invites them to Ioka Village, her hometown where she is chief, and hosts a celebration in honor of the new friendship between her and Crono in particular. During this celebration, she grants them the Dreamstone; however, after a night of heavy drinking, Crono and crew wakes up to find the Dreamstone missing, along with their Gate Key. It appears as though the reptites have stolen both items; however, after tracking them down through the forest maze to the reptite lair, it is revealed that Ayla's "person of interest", Kino, originally stole both items before being trapped by the reptites. Both of them back in hand, the party returns to Melchior, who repairs Masamune.

Returning to 600 AD, Crono reveals to Frog the fixed Masamune; he requires some time to think about this, during which he invites the party to stay the night. After dreaming about the events leading up to that point in his own timeline, Frog agrees to join the party and defeat Magus. After battling Magus' warlords, Ozzie, Flea, and Slash, they break into the room where Magus is attempting to summon Lavos in order to exact his revenge. (Remember, all that long time ago? How this is normally where Magus dies?) The resulting fight disturbs Magus' summoning spell, creating a massive temporal anomaly that throws everyone present back in time: Crono and crew to 65,000,000 BC, and Magus to 12,000 BC --- his original time.

Back in 65,000,000 BC, Crono and crew is discovered (again) by Ayla, who invites them back to Ioka Village; they wake the next morning to find Ayla gone. After chasing her down, they discover she intends to take the fight to the reptites, as they've kidnapped Kino and burned neighboring Laruba Village to the ground. She uses Dactyls to fly to the Tyrano Lair; Crono and crew follow her. After freeing Kino, they face off against Azala, ruler of the reptites and a powerful telepath, and Black Tyrano, a bioengineered beast of the reptites' creation. After the fight, Azala reveals that he'd predicted his own demise and that of the reptites, having seen a giant red "star" in the sky falling towards Earth. Ayla names this star Lavos. It crashes into the Tyrano Lair, immediately burrows underground, the events following Lavos' impact as described above take place, and Crono and crew escapes through a Time Gate generated at the moment and location of Lavos' impact.

Ayla joins the party officially at this time, allowing her travel to the End of Time; however, Spekkio reveals that she cannot be given the power of magic, as she existed entirely before magical ability was awakened in humans.

The party emerges in 12,000 BC, the first time they witness this time period. They quickly discover the duality of humanity, the Earthbound on the surface and the Enlightened Ones in the skybound Kingdom of Zeal. They meet Janus and Schala, whereupon Janus tells them that one of their party would shortly perish. Weaving their way through the Kingdom of Zeal, they eventually find the Mammon Machine and Zeal's throne room, which is sealed off with a magical door. Schala reveals that her pendant is capable of releasing the seal on the door; it is at this point that the party learns the pendant that started all this was, in fact, Schala's pendant. They use the Mammon Machine to charge it and break into the throne room, where Queen Zeal is advised by "The Prophet", an individual who suddenly appeared one day, to exile these people in much the same way she has in this timeline to the three Gurus. (Melchior in particular is locked away on the Mountain of Woe, imprisoned before he can complete work on the Masamune within this timeline.)

Queen Zeal heeds the prophet's words and commands Dalton, her primary general, to seize them. He sends in a massive golem, which makes quick work of the team. Schala then frees them some time later, banishing them to 65,000,000 BC and sealing the Time Gate they used to get to 12,000 BC in the first place. (Remember how that Time Gate was created by Lavos' impact? And remember how Schala is the Frozen Flame's Arbiter at that moment? She's basically covering potential points of ingress for Lavos, while simultaneously making sure it looks like she's trying to help things along.)

While Schala does seal the Time Gate in 12,000 BC, she cannot possibly seal the Time Gate in 65,000,000 BC; as such, Crono and crew returns to the End of Time, where Gaspar informs them of a machine built by one of his compatriots, Belthasar, in 2300 AD. With Schala's pendant fully charged by the Mammon Machine, the party can finally get through the door blocking their way to it originally, revealing the Epoch, a vehicle capable of traveling throughout time without a need for gates. They also learn, directly from Belthasar (through his Nu assistant, as I'm fairly certain he's dead by the time the party gets here), about the Kingdom of Zeal and their attempt to use Lavos. The Epoch allows them to return to 12,000 BC and attempt to set things right.

Back in 12,000 BC, the Prophet has been placed in charge of the Ocean Palace project instead of Dalton. The party arrives on the surface of the planet, just outside the cave where the original Time Gate was. They travel to the Mountain of Woe to free Melchior; upon freeing him, they run into Schala and Janus again, the former attempting to escape the Ocean Palace, knowing it won't work without her presence. Dalton has tracked her down and abducts her for this very purpose. Melchior gives Crono the Ruby Knife, a weapon he'd been working on before being imprisoned, for the purposes of destroying the Mammon Machine. Crono and crew then travels to Zeal Palace, faces off against Dalton, and wins; Dalton flees to the Ocean Palace, opening up a portal to that location in the process.

The party travels to the Ocean Palace, where they learn of the full plot to awaken Lavos' power and make Zeal immortal; after several lengthy fights, Dalton again escapes; the Prophet reveals himself to be Magus (aka Janus); Crono plunges the Ruby Knife into the Mammon Machine, where it becomes the Masamune; Lavos is awakened and begins battling the party after easily defeating Magus. During this fight, Crono sacrifices himself to get the rest of the party to safety. Schala transports the remaining party to the surface (to a time shortly after Zeal crashes), against Janus / Magus' insistence; Schala is then thrown into the Darkness Beyond Time by Lavos, where it fuses with her (as the Frozen Flame's Arbiter) to begin the metamorphosis into the Time Devourer. The Gurus are sent to their respective times, Janus is sent to 600 AD, etc.

Dalton survives the Fall of Zeal and, mustering what few troops managed to survive as well, finds the entirely preserved Blackbird, using it to forcefully take over the one remaining Earthbound village, named Last Village. The party, sans Crono, is captured by Dalton and imprisoned on the Blackbird; Dalton recognizes the Epoch as one of Belthasar's creations and seizes it for himself, fitting it with wings and lasers. During this time, the Ocean Palace rises from the sea as the Black Omen, commanded by a fully-corrupted Queen Zeal; as a result of this temporal anomaly, the Black Omen simultaneously exists across all future points in time. During his final battle with the party, Dalton, attempting to summon yet another golem, instead manages to open a time gate on himself and transports to an undisclosed place and time. (It is widely accepted that he was transported to near the city-state of Porre, in or slightly after 1000 AD.) The Epoch "accidentally" destroys the Blackbird with its newly-fitted lasers. The party then finds Magus on the surface, who reveals to them that he was Janus, and agrees to join the party.

The party travels back to the End of Time, where Gaspar reveals a possibility for bringing Crono back: The Time Egg, and more specifically gives the group the Chrono Trigger. He explains to them that they will require two things: That the Chrono Trigger be activated at the top of Death Peak, where Lavos' spawn are leaving the Earth in 2300 AD; and that they obtain a clone of Crono, both in order to balance out the timeline shenanigans and to trick Lavos into believing it has, in fact, killed Crono. Obtaining a clone from the aforementioned Norstein Bekkler at the Millenial Fair in 1000 AD, the party travels to Death Peak to activate the Chrono Trigger; this act sends them back to the instant before Crono was killed, freezing time and allowing them to replace Crono with the clone before warping back to the safety of the End of Time.

With Crono back in the party, the crew travels through time to set things up for the most ideal timeline. They save a patch of desert land in 600 AD which eventually becomes a forest by 1000 AD; during this act, Lucca is given a red Time Gate with which to save her mother's legs. Robo resolves his past with Atropos XR, ultimately defeating Mother Brain and ending the possibility of a robot future. The crew finds the Sun Stone in 2300 AD, having waned entirely into the Moon Stone; they restore it to its former glory by traveling through time, and combining it with the power from the Rainbow Shell (discovered in 600 AD by an increasingly-adventurous Tata), they obtain the Rainbow weapons and armor, the strongest such in the game. Finally, from here, one of two things takes place: Either the party flies to the Black Omen, attacks Queen Zeal and defeats her, and subsequently are sent to 1999 AD to defeat Lavos; or the party travels to the Darkness Beyond Time, where they face off against the new Schala-Lavos fusion known at this point as the Dream Devourer. Regardless of the action, the outcome is the same: Lavos is defeated and relegated to the Darkness Beyond Time (allowing it to fuse with Schala in the first place), and the party is returned to their respective times. Ayla returns to 65,000,000 BC, where she proposes to Kino; Frog, restored as Glenn, returns to 600 AD; Magus also returns to 600 AD, but with no recollection of what might have just transpired or even his own past, only remembering that he must find something important to him; Crono, Marle, and Lucca all return to 1000 AD; and Robo returns to 2300 AD. Crono marries Marle and becomes the eventual King of Guardia; Lucca uses her newfound knowledge of artificial intelligence to begin bettering the world. Robo emerges in the Saved Future, a 2300 AD where Lavos never emerged upon his defeat; here, he meets up with Belthesar, who was still sent to this time from the Ocean Palace incident.

In 1005 AD, Dalton comes to power within the city-state of Porre and declares war on Guardia. Crono and Marle presumably survive this attack, though Guardia does fall. Shortly thereafter, the Masamune disappears. Lucca, who is building robots of her own at this point, comes across a baby in a forest; this baby is wearing Schala's pendant, something Lucca definitely recognizes. Knowing more time shenanigans are up, Lucca takes the child, who she names Kid, in, and eventually opens up an orphanage.

Back in 2300 AD, Belthasar creates an institute to study time around the Frozen Flame, called Chronopolis, building its facility in the Sea of Eden, an isolated inlet within the El Nido archepelago; he uses Robo, which he dubs the Prometheus Circuit, as a sort of security system in this new complex. Within the experiments conducted at this facility, Belthasar learns of Schala's fusion with Lavos in the Darkness Beyond Time; he devises a plan, which he calls Project Kid, to attempt to free Schala from her prison. Robo is eventually replaced with a new system based on the surviving Mother Brain architecture, which he calls FATE; however, Robo volunteers for this Project Kid, and Belthasar installs him as a sort of lockout mechanism: Should a being come into contact with the Frozen Flame and thus become its Arbiter, FATE would be locked out of access to the Frozen Flame.

Within the Darkness Beyond Time, Schala can feel her will being corrupted by Lavos; using some of their combined power, she creates a "splinter" of herself, a clone of herself as a newborn baby, in much the same way that Lavos was able to splinter a piece of itself off as the Frozen Flame. This baby is sent, using Schala's power as the Time Devourer, to 1004 AD, when Lucca finds her and names her Kid.

Belthasar sets into motion a grand "experiment" that he claims will grant Chronopolis domain over the entirety of spacetime; after this, he warps to the 11th century to witness Project Kid come to fruition.

In 2400 AD, Belthasar's "experiment" is a catastrophic failure, and results in what is known as the Time Crash, a massive temporal anomaly that completely consumes Chronopolis. Lavos, when he is awakened in 12,000 BC, witnesses this Time Crash and recognizes a weakness in the timeline; using this weakness, it pulls the entirety of Chronopolis back in time to shortly after the events of 12,000 BC, in the hopes that such a massive anomaly appearing in the Age of Antiquity might create a timeline wherein it is successful and not destroyed.

Such a drastic change in the timeline requires balance however, as was clearly demonstrated when the Chrono Trigger was used. I'd mentioned at the very beginning of this write-up that there was the possibility that Lavos chose not to collide with Earth; in this timeline, the reptites won their war with the early humans and eventually evolved into the Dragonians, a highly advanced race of people entirely devoted to technology. (Without the introduction of Lavos, they had no magic to speak of.) They built a massive city in the sky, called Dinopolis, and created their own highly powerful supercomputer using bioengineering, called the Dragon God.

In order to balance the sudden appearance of Chronopolis in Antiquity, Dinopolis and the Dragon God are pulled through the fabric of spacetime to this same point. Chronopolis, still under the control of FATE, recognizes the potential damage this can cause to the timeline wherein it was created; as such, Chronopolis and Dinopolis go to war. Chronopolis eventually wins, causing Dinopolis to crash into the ocean; FATE divides the Dragon God into six lesser Dragons, assigning each an elemental power. The Dragonians survive for a short time in the El Nido archepelago, but ultimately die off, leaving behind artifacts like the Dragon Tear, and locations such as Fort Dragonia.

FATE terraforms the El Nido archepelago, making it habitable for the people brought back with Chronopolis; it also makes it impossible for beings to leave the archepelago, as doing so might potentially harm the timeline shenanigans Crono and crew are performing throughout this time. History proceeds largely as normal from here on out.

In 1003 AD, a child named Serge is born. In 1005, Dalton leads the invasion of Guardia and steals the Masamune. In 1006, the infant Serge is attacked by a panther demon; his father, Wazuki, and a friend, Miguel, immediately set sail for the demihuman city of Marbule in the hopes of saving the child. Schala actively interferes in this attempt, creating a magnetic storm which blows their ship into the otherwise-locked Sea of Eden, and into the time-frozen Chronopolis. Wazuki finds the Frozen Flame, which instructs him to bring the infant to it in order to heal him (unknowingly beginning Wazuki's corruption, not unlike Queen Zeal's). Wazuki does this, bringing Serge in contact with the Frozen Flame and empowering him as its Arbiter in exchange for saving his life; as a result, FATE is locked out of access to the Frozen Flame by the Prometheus Circuit, a fact which makes the artificial intelligence irate. Wazuki and Serge manage to escape, but Miguel remains trapped within the Sea of Eden.

Recognizing the new weakness in the FATE system, the Dragons create an "artificial" Dragon (since they're all technically artificial, I felt it necessary to include the quotes), dubbed Harle, in the hopes that they might eventually gain access to the Frozen Flame and undo FATE's act of separating them, potentially even reviving Dinopolis and the lost Dragonians.

Wazuki's corruption increases as time wears on, influenced heavily by FATE. In 1010 AD, four years after the events at the Sea of Eden, FATE convinces him to drown Serge at Opassa Beach, to release the lock on the Frozen Flame put in place by the Arbiter's existence. He does this, completing his corruption; he is warped into a gross facsimile of the panther demon that originally attacked Serge in 1006, taking the name of Lynx. This event, representing the corruptive influence of Lavos, creates a temporal anomaly at this location.

During this time, Lucca has not been sitting idly by; I already mentioned before that she founded an orphanage in order to take care of Kid (who she recognized as a clone of Schala, especially given the pendant), but she's done far more than that. Having been inspired by the Chrono Trigger, Lucca begins researching Time Eggs. She notes that, "by rotating a single point of supergravity, space-time continua can be drawn in, thus making it possible to transform that singular point which pulls in everything else into a ring formation. Using this ring as a Gate between dimensions, it is be possible to travel back and forth between various space-time." It is this rotating point of supergravity which gives the Time Egg its egg-like appearance. She eventually manages to create several Time Eggs of her own, though they are all incomplete, not quite capable of the same sort of power the Chrono Trigger exhibited.

In 1015 AD, FATE sends Lynx to find Lucca in the hope that she might be able to dismantle the Prometheus Circuit thanks to her knowledge of Robo; Harle, who has become particularly attached to Lynx, tags along. Lucca refuses to help, and Lynx burns the orphanage to the ground. Lucca dies, as do most of the children, but Kid manages to escape. Lucca had already sent a letter to a fellow scientist in Porre, named Luccia, to be given to Kid upon her survival.

Some time after 1017 but before 1020 AD, Belthasar arrives from his future to foresee the fruition of Project Kid. He takes up residence in Vipor Manor within the El Nido archepelago as a researcher. He soon comes to be known as a prophet.

It is in this same time span that Belthasar meets with Kid and tells her she must travel back to 1010 AD and save Serge from drowning. Likely using the power of her pendant, the power of an incomplete Time Egg, or maybe both, or possibly neither (it's never actually explained), Kid indeed travels back and saves Serge from death at the hands of Wazuki. This act creates a new timeline, splitting the two into separate spacetimes, and thus two separate dimensions. Both have the possibility of existing, and as such both do exist.

Unfortunately, saving Serge caused an irreparable problem within that timeline: As this occurred long after Crono's birth and disappearance, his and his party's influence on the timeline no longer exists within that scope. The timeline wherein Serge is saved is the timeline that Lavos had planned for all those years ago: The timeline wherein it can emerge victorious in 1999 AD. With this timeline in place, Chronopolis was never built in 2300 AD, and thus could not have been sent back in time due to the Time Crash; as a result, the Sea of Eden becomes the Dead Sea, a temporal wasteland filled with debris from dead timelines.

These two timelines are referred to within the context of the game Chrono Cross as Home World, where Serge is saved, and Another World, where he is killed. Kid returns to the year 1020 AD, and unlike previous instances of time travel, follows the timeline she just disabled, that of Another World.

Without FATE controlling entrance and escape from the El Nido archepelago in the context of Home World, Dalton and the city-state of Porre also invades El Nido. FATE does manage to send Miguel to this timeline with the Masamune; she commands him to plant the sword at the entrance of the Dead Sea so no one may enter, and further commands him to stand guard over Home World's instance of the Frozen Flame to avoid the Arbiter's reconnection with it.

In 1020 AD, Serge is walking on Opassa Beach with his friend Leena (incidentally, Miguel's daughter) when he slips unknowingly through the temporal anomaly completed by his both living and dying at that point, referred to as the Angelus Errare by Belthasar --- meaning "Where Angels Lose their Way". He passes through this gate into Another World, as the being whose existence allows this anomaly to occur. Here, he meets Kid, fresh from saving his life all those years ago (unbeknownst to him). Kid reveals that her amulet can allow Serge to move between the worlds at the Angelus Errare. Throughout the two worlds, Kid and Serge amass a huge collection of allies; they fight their way through Viper Manor to find information on the Frozen Flame; they travel to Fort Dragonia within Home World in the hopes of finding the artifact, but instead find the Dragon Tear. Using the Dragon Tear, Lynx switches bodies with Serge, granting FATE access to the Frozen Flame by taking the body of the Arbiter; he then stabs Kid, pushes Serge into the Temporal Vortex, and leaves for the Sea of Eden. The Dragon Tear shatters after being used for this purpose, and the party recovers a shard of it, referred to as the Tear of Hate.

Within the Temporal Vortex, Serge (as Lynx) officially meets Harle, who helps him escape; however, he remains trapped within Home World, unable to warp with the Angelus Errare without his own body. He travels to the Dead Sea to attempt to fix the situation, realizing the only way he can regain his lost body is to use the Dragon Tear held within Another World; it is here that he meets Miguel, placed at the Dead Sea (and specifically the Tower of Geddon) as a sort of guard for Home World's Frozen Flame. Upon defeating Miguel, the party reaches for the Frozen Flame; however, before they can obtain it, FATE reaches across the dimensions and destroys the Dead Sea. This act of transdimensional interference allows Serge (as Lynx) to travel between the two dimensions again.

In Another World, Serge meets the individual who presently controls that timeline's Dragon Tear, a shrine maiden named Steena. Steena immediately recognizes Serge (even as Lynx) as an important being from Dragonian prophecy, and agrees to grant him access to the Dragon Tear. Using this, Serge regains his own body (Lynx still keeps the original, as they do not swap this time I don't believe), and this Dragon Tear shatters as well, granting the party the Tear of Love. This is important, and Steena tells Serge so; they have a piece of the Dragon Tear as it existed in both dimensions, allowing a new artifact to be created. I'll come back to this later.

The party travels to Another World's Sea of Eden, where Serge is able to bypass all of FATE's security measures thanks to the Prometheus Circuit and his status as the Arbiter of the Frozen Flame. Here, they face off against FATE itself, who tells them her goals of becoming a god with the Frozen Flame. They defeat FATE, destroying it once and for all and releasing its hold over the El Nido archepelago; that instant, the Dragons spring into action, Harle grabs the Frozen Flame, and the six combine back into the original Dragon God. Dinopolis rises from the ocean as a result of this, becoming Terra Tower. Kid, who had been under the mental influence of Lynx this whole time, falls into a coma, wherein she relives the events at Lucca's orphanage over and over.

Masa and Mune awaken roughly before this point within the Masamune; their sister, Doreen, admonishes them for allowing the blade to be used for evil purposes, and insists on residing in the weapon alongside them, forming the Mastermune. It is with this Mastermune that Serge is able to see into Kid's coma dreams; Masa instantly recognizes Kid within the dreams as Schala, and thus agrees to help Serge wake her up. Using an incomplete Time Egg created by Lucca and in Kid's possession, Serge travels back in time to Lucca's orphanage in 1015 AD; while he is not able to do much due to the incomplete nature of the Time Egg, he is able to save Kid from her nightmare. (It should be noted, Kid absolutely escapes the orphanage without Serge's help; this is not a temporal causality loop wherein he saves her life so she can go on to save his. He simply saves the present Kid from the recurring nightmare.)

With Kid having recovered, she and Serge travel to Terra Tower to face off against the Dragon God and recover the Frozen Flame. They succeed in doing so, causing the Tower to crash back to Earth, and causing the Dragon God to retreat into Lavos within the Darkness Beyond Time. With everything necessary to do so, Serge uses the Tears of Love and Hate at the Divine Dragon Falls (in Another World) to create the fabled Chrono Cross, a legendary "seventh Element" with the power to unify timelines. Traveling back to Opassa Beach, Serge again meets Belthasar, who finally explains his plans to the boy: By forcing him to become the Arbiter of the Frozen Flame, he knowingly created two separate timelines with the explicit purpose of creating the Chrono Cross, a device only capable of existing within the context of two separate timelines. With this device, Serge can reunite the timelines --- after he defeats the Time Devourer at the Darkness Beyond Time. Belthasar gives him a Time Egg and allows him to make the choice, to save the planet and trust him, or doom it and distrust him.

It is likely at this point that two more timelines emerge: The one wherein Serge travels to the Darkness Beyond Time and defeats the Time Devourer, and the one wherein Serge refuses to do so; recall, within the Chrono series, all of time is a result of an act of will, and the simple decision on Lavos' part not to collide with Earth creates the entire Reptite Timeline. A third timeline likely also exists, wherein Serge fails to defeat the Time Devourer and instead merges with it, much the same way Schala did all those years ago. The two timelines not explicitly covered here, even alongside the timeline that is, are plenty of space for a third Chrono game to take place, and was likely the original starting point for the never-released Chrono Break. Fact is, if Serge merges with the Time Devourer, that being would be capable of destroying all the timelines to that point, and the mere possibility of its existence would be plenty for another game to feature.

Serge decides to trust Belthasar and travel to the Darkness Beyond Time to face the Time Devourer; in the end, Serge is victorious, Schala is freed from the being in her entirety and re-fuses with Kid, and Lavos is, supposedly, killed for good. Serge returns to the world in 1020 AD with no recollection of his adventures, and within a world where the timelines of Home World and Another World have been unified by the Chrono Cross: Serge lives, yet Lavos is still defeated by Crono and gang. Schala's fate remains a mystery; it's possible that, given her position within the Time Devourer, she recognized the player's influence on the world's timeline and is now actively seeking them out, in a twist similar to that of Undertale. This possibility is hinted at in Chrono Cross' ending credits cutscenes, where a girl who resembles Schala / Kid searches the player's world (as opposed to the Chrono world). Several indiscrepancies between the dimensions are never really resolved, and as such are up to much speculation. Serge himself seems to return to his old life with Leena, though, again, his future is never really given.

This also leaves the fate of Magus / Janus up in the air. He is still searching for Schala after the events of Chrono Trigger; however, with her possibly now completely removed from that spacetime altogether, it's possible he will be doomed to search forever. If another Chrono game were to be released, Magus' plight will almost certainly be featured.

[baphijmm]

Civilization VI: A Review.

I've been playing Civilization VI (hereafter referred to as "Civ6") pretty much every day since the game came out; I'd say it's about time for a review. This is not the original Civilization by a long shot; this isn't even Civ5.1. In some ways, this is good; the franchise wanted to differentiate its new game from the old ones. As a result, the game has become a very difficult-to-play mess. In addition to the advertised land usage management (which is *incredibly* difficult to do, as "districts" entirely remove production and food resources from those tiles [and even make resources like coal and oil difficult to obtain], and the game is unplayable without those districts), you also have large amounts of other management involved as well; you have to manage housing, food, "amenities" (items that will keep your citizens happy, which in past games would cause your overall happiness to dwindle, but in this game can actually lead to your cities rebelling against you), faith, culture, tourism, and money. Some of these are carried over from Civ5; however, none of them work the same way. You cannot just build a shrine or an aqueduct in this game; shrines *must* be built in Holy Site districts, and aqueducts are actually their own entirely separate district. (In some cities, it's not actually necessary to build an aqueduct district, as all they do is provide fresh water to a city center tile if it isn't adjacent to such.) You also must account for separate tiles for Wonders of the World, which can only be built on specific sets of tiles and necessarily removes all food, production, and money benefits of the selected tile as well. In essence, Wonders are fairly useless in this game; the detriments FAR outweigh the benefits of building them. The game bitches at you about *everything*, and many times you can't see why; it provides a small pop-up feed in the lower right-hand corner for certain "pressing matters", like if a city is starving (or even just down to one food providing growth), has low amenities, is running out of housing; if you find a city-state, the city-state has a request for you, and if you lose suzerain for a given city-state to another player; if any city-states declare war on anyone, make peace with anyone; if a spy is killed; the list goes on. It's actually kind of annoying, made more so by the fact that very rarely does the function actually work: You have to roll over an icon to see what the message is about, but about 9/10 of the time, the game doesn't see the rollover and instead assumes you're trying to find information on the tile immediately behind it. Other items, things you might think are extremely important, like other civilizations denouncing each other, declaring war on each other, etc., are relegated to "headlines", little snippets of text that appear over the game screen; these headlines appear for maybe five seconds before disappearing *forever* --- there is no way to look back at these. For someone like me who does five other things while the game is processing other players' turns, this is a *major* flaw. The science tree has been completely revamped; now, you work with two trees, a science tree and a civics tree. This actually isn't a bad idea at all; I really like it. You can also "boost" a given civic or technology by fulfilling certain requirements, all of which are given to you as the player. To balance this fact out, it is now *much* more difficult to "research" in either tree; items take much longer to research, scientists can only be generated with a Campus district (and still require buildings, such as a Library, a University, or a Research Lab), and I'm still not sure if there is such a thing as a "scientist" for the civics tree. I don't believe there is. In Civ5, you could "spend" culture points to obtain boosts to specific items, using lineages like "Tradition", "Liberty", or "Piety"; in Civ6, that has been completely removed. Civics gain you policy cards, which, depending on what government you choose (again, earned by Civics), you can have usually as many as four at a given time. Your starting government, which I think is something like "Chiefdom", you only have two card slots, one for military and one for... I guess the only way I can describe it is "civics", usually affecting the cost of items, either monetarily or production. As you gain new governments, the turn on which you gain a new Civic, you can change either the policies or government for free that turn, which is really about the only way you'd want to do it anyway. This game is *buggy as hell*. I actually just found a bug (which prompted me to finally write this up) where, if you bring up the game menu, it doesn't pause the game; this is a problem as, when other players (or AI, as is my case) bring up a dialog with you, it actually blocks the menu, and the menu itself blocks your ability to do anything with this player dialog. The game is essentially frozen, and you have to start from your last save. Some AI players, Catherine de Medici of France in particular, denounce you for *not having things you can't possibly have that early in the game, and neither can she*; she literally denounces you for not having any espionage, something that doesn't even factor into the game until the Renaissance era, as early as you meet her. Clicking on certain buttons in certain dialogs does not bring up a separate dialog based on that button, but rather completely closes out of *all* dialogs; this is a minor inconvenience at best, but it still represents a glaringly obvious bug. Barbarians are actually faster than any of your units, by exactly one move per turn; while this may have been intentional, it feels very much like a bug, because as a result you have to chase a freaking Settler, Builder, or Missionary down until you somehow manage to back them into a corner before you can reclaim them. On a "Huge" map with a total of 12 civilizations (11 AI), once you've found everyone, turns take *forever* to finish. Like, literally, it can take upwards of two full minutes, playing fully single-player, before you can even touch anything again. (During this time is when the "headlines" pop up, which is why it's so goddamn problematic that they disappear and can never be seen again. What's really fucked up about this is, they have X buttons to close them out; why can't they just stay!? Or at least provide a log I can access somewhere!) In Civ5, this time was more like 30 seconds (depending on if anyone was attacking you or your allied city-states); it still felt like a long time, but ultimately you could actually play the freaking game in a decent amount of time. Builders have completely changed here as well. In the past, a given Builder could do just about anything with a given tile (assuming you had the Tech to do it), but it would take several turns to accomplish; in this game, the Builder finishes its task that turn, but as a result, to balance it out, each Builder only has three uses. In other words, once a Builder has been told to do three things, the unit disappears. As a result, much of the early game is spent producing Builders more than anything else, which makes early city development *absolute hell*. It's a decent game, and if they iron out all the major problems with it, it might actually be playable; at this time, I'm really only playing it to try to get used to the new *massive* management overhaul, which feels more like being held hostage than playing a video game.

[baphijmm]

Zootopia: A Review.

This afternoon, I had to make a trip into Alamogordo to pick up a few items; it just so happened that I timed my trip to coincide with the early evening showing of Zootopia; this was an accident, but the brief amount of time I spent in Alamogordo had me fairly frustrated, so I decided to pop in and watch it. I'll start off this review by taking a page from Nick Wilde: Was it a bad film? No, no it was not. Was it a good film? Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeh. Let's start off by addressing the elephant in the room: The animation was fantastic. Certainly better than Frozen, and really pretty good for what it was. Few computer-animated films have attempted anthropomorphic animal characters, and for good reason: Fur is *very* difficult to animate, and *very* obvious when animating with computers. The fur in this film was *perfect*. Madagascar didn't particularly try to do fur, and as a result their animals were given defined shapes to simulate the idea of fur; films like Open Season and Ice Age did similar things. Over the Hedge did fur very well, but Zootopia nailed it. But, this also leads into my first problem with the film: Missed opportunities. Look, I get it: This movie was *loaded*. There was a lot going on in a very short span of time; it had to cover a lot of ground with little chance to do so. I get why they couldn't, for example, develop Nick's character all that much (excluding the one scene, which made him a two-dimensional character instead of one-dimensional), or go into Judy's real motivation besides that one incident at the fair (that occurred *after* the film established that she *had* that motivation). But, there were a lot of missed opportunities. The biggest one, one I kinda noticed in premotional materials for the film but hoped would be better-done in the film: The lack of full-bodied expressions. Now mind you, there were a few: The scene with the wolves comes to mind, and Clawhauser was generally pretty good about it. But these are animals we're talking about; hell, even humans emote with their bodies, but these characters largely emoted with just their faces. My biggest pet peeve on this front: The ears. Every character had ears. Only Judy ever emoted with them (aside from aforementioned wolf scene), and even then, it was minimal at best: She lowered her ears when she was sad, and occasionally you could see her determination by her bringing them up. But the dogs, the cats, the rest of the freaking cast, they all had this opportunity to emote and *didn't*. Moving along, the next issue I had with the film was that of mixed metaphors. The film's obvious underlying plot was that of prejudice: Judy was a rabbit, and so seen as unfit for police work. Nick and Gilbert were foxes, and therefore believed to be nothing more than sly tricksters out to get everyone. But, that was also the biggest problem: A lot of the film's overarcing plot relied on the metaphor of predator vs. prey as similar to that of race, but the way the personal plot with Nick Wilde was introduced, it was obvious that the race metaphor was supposed to be used there as well. ("Look, I don't want any trouble; I just want to buy a jumbo pop for my son." "See this sign? The one that says 'We reserve the right to refuse service to ANYONE?'") This felt incredibly jumbled towards the middle of the film: Judy had just found the 14 missing citizens, makes a remark (she'd heard from the scientist) off-handedly about how it was possibly "in their biology", which of course sets Nick off. But Nick's indignation is mixed: He's angry at her comment, furious that she'd look at predators and believe they might need to be muzzled for the common good, and betrayed that the person he thought of as a possible friend would carry around "fox repellant". Of *course*, there are many different kinds of prejudices, and this film showcases a lot of them; there are also a lot of prejudices against various different peoples, which is fine to bring into this sort of film as well. But, when the same prejudice is being used for two different groups, one of which being a whole subset of the other, it comes across as sloppy. And speaking of sloppy, we come now to the meat of my problem with the movie: The plot structure. I've taken to calling this sort of plot structure The Bones Plot; if you've ever seen the Fox TV show Bones, you might know what I'm talking about. When the show was airing in the mid-'00s (maybe it still is? I don't know), one of my sisters was a huge fan of the show, and while I was living with my parents for a time, I was eventually banned from the living room for constantly spoiling the episodes because they were all structured the exact same way: Crime happens; totally innocent-enough character is present when Bones performs her initial crime scene investigation, but usually only there for a brief moment, just long enough to establish them. Initial investigations point to "obviously that person", someone who usually fits the profile of a criminal, but in the end is completely innocent. A huge revelation is made; this thread eventually leads Bones to the real culprit, that seemingly-innocent person at the beginning of the episode. This happened *every time*. And Disney has started using it extremely frequently: Toy Story 3, the real culprit was Lotso; Wreck-It Ralph, that character was King Candy (who we find out later was Turbo all along); in Frozen, the character was Prince Hans (and the "original culprit" was the Duke of Weaselton). Watching Zootopia, when they introduced the character of the assistant mayor, Bellwether, that was the moment: "I'd bet money, she's the whodunit." Especially after her first few lines: "We little guys have to stick together!" Sure enough, by the end of the film, she's revealed to have been the villain "all along", after the former mayor Lionheart had already been imprisoned for a tangential "crime". And I mean, I get it: Disney's trying very hard to move away from their traditional "villain" roles. The problem is, they've created a new one which provides the illusion of a deep and complicated plot, but is the emotional equivalent of a bait-and-switch at best. They want to create an emotional roller coaster, but they keep building it with the same structure and you can see the tunnel coming from a mile away. It's not fun; it's not entertaining; it's not even innovative. I'd hoped with the potential for more mature themes presented in this movie (with jokes like "What do you call a three-humped camel? Pregnant!", "Rabbits may be stupid, but we do know how to multiply", and even an entire nudist retreat scene), that the plot would similarly have more mature themes; in a way, I suppose it does. It just handles them in a very clunky manner. Am I glad I saw the movie? Yeah, I guess. Would I watch it again? Probably not of my own volition.

[baphijmm]

The Non-binary Nature of Sex and Gender.

CONTENT WARNING: The following post, while not sexual in nature, does discuss sex organs and characteristics. While these things are discussed in a scientific manner, reader discretion is still advised.

We have a few hang-ups about sex and gender in this country centered around misunderstandings; to use a colloquialism, we know just enough on the subject as a society to be dangerous. We're taught a little about adolescence when we're going through it, and in high school we occasionally broad-stroke Mendelian genetics, but rarely are all the pieces presented. As a result, or perhaps more likely the reason being, we have this firmly-rooted, deep-seated misunderstanding that sex and gender are binary; that they are the same thing; and that they are set at conception. This couldn't be further from the truth.

A lot of this misunderstanding is rooted in what we are taught; we're told that there is a pair of "sex chromosomes", defined as X and Y, and that if you get two Xes, you're female, whereas an XY pair defines a male. Of course, by this tenet, since females only carry X, they can't pass on another Y to their offspring, meaning those are the only two sets that could ever exist, right?

Except we also know that that's not always true. We've seen a great many people born with XXY, XYY, and many other variations. That's not to say those are the only possible situations where the idea of a sexual binary is fundamentally flawed --- not by a long shot --- but they do strongly illustrate that the idea of a sexual binary is fundamentally flawed.

From here, the question you should be asking is this: Why does the presence of a Y chromosome seem to dictate that the individual is male? The answer to this is also the answer to how physical sex is not a strict binary, even not factoring in multiple sets of sex chromosomes.

The Y chromosome, as is the case of all human chromosomes, is comprised of several million pairs of nucleotides, which in-turn encode approximately 400 genes; genes are defined as any given string of DNA that encodes a functional RNA or protein product, but that definition is becoming cloudy as we learn more about DNA.

One of these genes in particular, called SRY, produces a protein called the Testis-Determining Factor, or TDF; this protein initiates male sex determination. An experiment was conducted back in 1991 to determine the nature of this gene and its subsequent protein in mice (where the gene is dubbed Sry). The gene was introduced artificially to a large number of embryos; a small number ended up carrying the gene artificially, and an even smaller subset of that were phenotypically female --- that is, carrying an XX pair --- that developed physically male. Their reproductive systems, while sterile (another portion of the Y chromosome dictates creation of sperm), were otherwise fully functional, and upon coming of age were observed to copulate as males.

Thing is, the SRY gene has to be in a specific location to be valid, and that specific location is possible on the X chromosome. The developing body doesn't care what it's forming when it comes to sex organs; if the TDF exists, tubes start to form in what are otherwise nondescript organ spaces that then become the testes; if TDF doesn't exist, the nondescript organs remain fairly nondescript, and as the body develops, they become ovaries.

There are two kinds of cells in testes among the many different kinds therein, called Sertoli and Leydig cells, both of which form following the direction of TDF. Sertoli cells, in addition to being necessary in the production of sperm, also produce a hormone called Anti-Müllerian Hormone, or AMH, during the development of the fetus; AMH, as the name suggests, inhibits the development of what are called Müllerian ducts, a pair of ducts present in the human fetus that, if allowed to develop, become the Fallopian tubes, uterus, and upper vaginal cavity. Naturally, these are not present in males, and that's entirely because of this hormone. The Leydig cells, meanwhile, produce testosterone when stimulated by what's called a Luteinizing Hormone, or LH. (Incidentally, LH is present in all humans; in males, it stimulates production of testosterone, whereas in females, it stimulates the production of estradiol, the female sex hormone. In both cases, it also stimulates the production and/or release of gametes, both sperm and egg.) Testosterone, in addition to affecting sex drive and male secondary sex characteristics, stimulates the development of the Wolffian ducts in the embryo; again present in all human fetuses, the Wolffian ducts develop into the epididymis, vas deferens, and seminal vesicles in males. However, this is 100% dependent on the Leydig cells forming in the testes to produce testosterone early enough; while testosterone is produced in ovaries as well, its development in females (usually) comes far too late to develop the Wolffian ducts.

Now, here's the thing: Any one of these processes could happen, or could not happen. The presence of SRY on the Y chromosome, while it should signal the development of testes, doesn't always do so. AMH doesn't always form in a "male" fetus. Testosterone development sometimes happens far later than the body expects.

The fetus is, by its very nature, both asexual and hermaphroditic: It has gonads, but they're nondescript; it has both Müllerian and Wollfian ducts; it has the *potential* to develop into a wide range of sexual forms, including male, female, asexual, hermaphroditic, or anywhere in between. We've seen it happen before where a child is born outside of the male-female binary, many times; in every modern case, the doctor present makes a judgement call and assigns a sex to the individual, often even mutilating the genitals in the process.

If all of these things are possible in simply the physical form of a human being (and I've not even brought up the possibilities in the *brain*, easily the most complex and complicated aspect of both sex and gender), can you still not see how it might be possible that a given human being might not identify with the sex they were assigned at birth? That an assigned male might identify as female, female as male, or either as agendered or even something else?

Sex and gender are nonbinary by their very nature, and the sooner people start to realize that, the sooner we can start moving forward as a species.

[baphijmm]

Opinions on the Supreme Court.

The Supreme Court of the United States of America is comprised of nine judges, appointed by the President and approved by the Congress; individuals can be removed from office by vote of Congress. As a result, as laid out in the Constitution of the United States of America, Article III, Section 2: "The judicial Power shall extend to all Cases, in Law and Equity, arising under this Constitution, the Laws of the United States, and Treaties made, or which shall be made, under their Authority [...]" In other words, in addition to determining the outcome of a session of court of criminal ruling, they have the job of determining the legality of laws and actions made by the President and Congress. That is their job. Now, I'm going to cite precedence from the Treaty of Tripoli, a treaty presented and ratified in 1796 by John freaking Adams, one of, if not the most conservative of the Founding Fathers: "As the Government of the United States of America is not, in any sense, founded on the Christian religion; as it has in itself no character or enmity against the laws, religion, or tranquility of Mussulmen [Muslims]; and, as the United States never entered into any war, or act of hostility against any Mahometan [Mohammedan] nation, it is declared by the parties, that no pretext, arising from religious opinions, shall ever produce an interruption of the harmony existing between the two countries." A legally-binding treaty in which it is explicitly stated that the United States of America was not founded on the Christian religion. Even if you somehow don't believe that the First Amendment legally specifies this nation as secular, this line does so quite specifically. In other words, it is against our own word of law to pass laws based upon the supposed tenets of any given religion, for exclusively that reason and no other, that it is based upon the supposed tenets of a given religion. In other words, no, you don't get to legislate Christianity, but you also don't get to legislate *for* Christianity. Finally, as set forth in the Fourteenth Amendment, the portion of law cited by the Supreme Court in their recent ruling: "All persons born or naturalized in the United States, and subject to the jurisdiction thereof, are citizens of the United States and of the State wherein they reside. No State shall make or enforce any law which shall abridge the privileges or immunities of citizens of the United States; nor shall any State deprive any person of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor deny to any person within its jurisdiction the equal protection of the laws." No State shall make or enforce any law which shall abridge the privileges or immunities of citizens of the United States. No State shall deprive any person of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law. No State shall deny any person within its jurisdiction the equal protection of the laws. Because the United States Federal Government provides the privilege of marriage within its tax law; because the US Federal Government provides immunities of married citizens from portions of its tax law; because the US Federal Government defines personal property of married couples within the context of that marriage; and because all citizens under the US Federal Government are protected equally by these tenets, it is extremely and unbelievably Unconstitutional for individual States to deny individual citizens the right to marry other individual citizens. That is how the Supreme Court has ruled. Does this mean that churches are now legally required to solemnize and legalize any weddings presented to them? No. Churches are still protected in their right to refuse service to anyone. A given Judge, on the other hand, as an employee of the United States Government, does not have that right. We live in a free country, even free from the tenets of any given religion, including (your specific interpretation of) Christianity. If the prospect of living in a free country frightens you because such might threaten your immortal soul in your own eyes, or if the prospect of living in a free country frightens you because the laws set forth allow the Supreme Court the Checks and Balances to declare laws and actions of any given governing body Unconsitutional, then either secede or otherwise leave. I hear North Korea is decidedly non-free this time of year.

[baphijmm]

SCHIZOID GAMING IS RETURNING

After a... several month, almost-a-year, hiatus, plans are now in effect to get the gaming channel back on its feet! Using the things I learned in the first iteration of the channel, I'm now in the process of building a new recording studio, which will include the ability to record newer consoles (like the PS3, PS4, and Wii U), record at much higher quality, and even record my foreign consoles. It will be utilizing state-of-the-art hardware and software to ease myself back into creating new content, as well as uploading content on a regular basis. This will hopefully remove the layer of abstraction present in my previous attempts, something that both made it difficult for me to play the games I was recording, and that made it difficult for me to care about producing more content. (I'm also going to utilize a wireless keyboard and mouse, because that shit was annoying as hell to deal with when the computer was halfway across the room.)

While I'm in the process of building this new rig, I've also been writing up new scripts for special videos I've been meaning to make for some time; these will largely be "Top 10" videos, but I'm probably going to do a review here and there too. (That most recent post I made about ESO:TU? Yeah, probably gonna make a video out of that lengthy piece.) So, hopefully, once I get things back up and ready to go, I'll have a few things ready to do right off the bat.

Now, I do still have a few Metroid Prime videos I need to "edit" (read: put the webcam video alongside the gameplay), and I do intend to get some of these out the door before this new system is brought online. Hopefully, I won't lose this drive while that's happening. (If you haven't seen the previous Metroid Prime episodes, the playlist can be found here.)

Final point: If you're interested in seeing me play a given game, let me know! Honestly, I'm mostly interested in being entertaining with this, so if there's some way I can do that, I'd really like to hear it. At the moment, my biggest request has been to continue my playthrough of Star Fox Adventures, so that's probably where I'll start.