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Anxiety: living with it

(this is something I feel is too stigmatized and written off too quickly as attention seeking or overdramatic… mental illnesses suck. Everyone deals with it in their own way, but not many people dare to come out and tell people that they’re not alone. This is something I’ve talked about a bit discreetly but not to the fullest extent because for me it’s a very personal topic… I don’t want 40 messages asking if I’m ok, or a billion comments about how I’m either asking for pity or how “strong” I am. I want people to feel that they are understood by someone and for those who lack knowledge on Anxiety Disorder, to understand what it means so people will stop self diagnosing because they think its “cool or edgy” or people who are generally interested what its like. If you’re annoyed by it, please save your self time and keep scrolling.)

My whole life I’ve been considered a shy, insecure and lazy child. My first memories of what was considered ”shyness” was in daycare, hiding behind my mothers legs, trembling in fear every day because I simply didn’t want to talk to other kids. The kids would laugh of course. I had 1 friend, named Katie, besides my daycare teacher who I became very attached to. If Katie wasn’t there, I would totally recluse my self, and avoid all contact with other kids. That’s basically sums up my miserable existence “I don’t want to talk”, “please don’t make me make a decision”, “why are you looking at me like that?, “please don’t force me to make eye contact”. I’m scared to death, that they can see I’m scared.

My whole life is like a horror movie, but the thing I’m running from is totally invisible, it lives inside of my head, 24 fucking 7 and it disguises its self as my own voice. Constantly telling me how much of a piece of shit I am. according to it, none of my friends actually care, they only tolerate me because they pity me. it has destroyed friendships, relationships, it traps me in a cage so it can have me all to its self. it consumes me in my own dark thoughts of insecurity and endless self loathing, it’s a void. I find my self pondering and beating my self up over things I said or did YEARS ago, something as simple as dropping the wrong comment, or sending a job application to the same company twice, fearing people still remember it.

If it fucking exist I thought of it 10 times, I think, and I think, and I think, my mind never stops. I wake up in the morning, totally exhausted because I was up till 3 am again, thinking - Of things that could go wrong, even if everything is perfect in my life at the moment, something must be wrong because its too perfect. I pick apart every situation, and every conversation to the very thread. I run through situations over and over and over again, obsessively trying to find the problem when there is no problem, its just me trying to find the flaw, so I can start picking at that. Its like I’m playing a “Where’s Waldo” of problems, with every aspect of every situation in life. Unhealthy? yes, but this is unfortunately the reality I live in.

Then the anxiety attacks…. the constant fear they could come at any time. Imagine at least 3 times a day, you have the chance to be struck by lighting, living with the stress knowing at any time it could come, but you don’t know when. Then, out of nowhere, you get an overwhelming feeling that something is choking every bit of air out of your body. You can hardly breathe; only short skipping breathes. Your heart rate goes so fast; you think you’re having a heart attack. You get tunnel vision, you feel dizzy and your ears are ringing so insanely loud, the only voices you can hear, are your own thoughts telling you that you’re dying. You’re paralyzed, but you feel every little movement around you. can’t speak, the words just can’t leave your mouth. if you could, you wouldn’t ask for help, everyone hates you. you’re overreacting, remember? Its comparable to the split second when you skip a stair step, only much, much longer. I remember my first panic attack, it lasted for 6 agonizing hours. At the end you’re so exhausted, you can barley stand. The only thing running though your mind is “I never wanna go there again”.

I can’t count all the opportunities I’ve lost in life, because of my fear. The voices in my head telling me that I’m not good enough. That people hate me. That I can’t do anything right, so why even try? I’ve been fired from jobs because I can’t communicate properly, I’ve failed classes because I’m too scared to speak, or got kicked out, because I stopped going all together. I’ve spent so much time avoiding speaking in class… things people see as “laziness”, but they couldn’t know I was lying in my bed crying, because I was too scared to show up. I often find my self making excuses and canceling plans, because I can’t cope being around anyone else or big crowds of people, even though I really wanted to go. Over time, people naturally get sick of it, and just stop asking.

That’s when simple everyday tasks become so dreadfully overwhelming that you want to avoid even considering leaving your bed.

List of every day things that take every iota of strength :

• Getting out of bed • Making any phone calls (I put it off for as long as I can) • Going to social gatherings • Walking the dog • Going to the supermarket • Even considering asking for help when shopping • Going to the pharmacy (I would rather cough until I puke or bleed) • Going to work • Answering text messages • Taking the public transit busses, metro, especially planes (if possible I walk or bike)

Because, what if I get an anxiety attack in public? What will people think? Its happened once before when I was in collage and my teacher forced me to speak in front of the class, I cried in front of 25 people, and I didn’t show up for nearly a month.

So, how can one live life in constant fear of being scared? Short answer, most people don’t. it completely consumes every aspect of who you are as a person. Some times I feel death is the only escape, because simply existing is too overwhelmingly painful. I’ve tried going to a therapist, it didn’t help. I’m too embarrassed to call the doctor to find a new one, because I haven’t showed up to any of my appointments in nearly 2 years.

It’s hard to talk to anyone about this, because people see it as totally overdramatic, or attention seeking. People have a hard time grasping the idea that not all pain is physical. That people who look totally normal, can be smiling and laughing on the outside, but be in crippling agony on the inside.

I’m still hesitant on ever letting anyone see this because I’m scared of what people might think, however I feel its important to let other people know, that if they feel this way, they’re not alone. Therefore, I can only share my own personal story. If someone comes to you, with their story, and their mental illness, don’t make them feel as if they’re a burden, or write them off as dramatic. Listen to them and feel special that they trusted you with such a sensitive topic. It takes a lot of courage for someone to ask for help. No one should suffer in silence and the stigma needs to be broken, and talked about. Statistically, only 1/3rd of people with Anxiety Disorder seek professional help, and one of the leading causes of depression and suicide.

Please don’t be scared to seek help.

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Feeling that crazy bitch come out like:

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A post shared by Maddieh Christensen (@baphometmymassiah)

Can you hear the thunder? Can you hear the thunder that’s breaking?⚡️ I love bad weather... #lightning #thunder #badweather #rain #lightningstorm #thunderstorm #storms #stormseason #nature #beautiful #awesome #boomerang #clouds #heavyrain #awesome #flash #scandinavia #goodnight #cozy #cozynights #copenhagen #denmark

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Tonight's dinner: rice with chickpeas, cherry tomatoes, red peppers, onions, baby spinach and chili avocado dressing❤️🌱 #salad #rice #avocado #vegan #veganfood #whatveganseat #foodporn #foodoftheday #foodofinstagram #food #raw #rawfood #health #healthychoices #healthyeating #veg #govegan #composition #veganfoodporn #tasty #delicious #dinner #vegansofig #copenhagen #denmark

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Run with the wolves ❤️ #cute #cuteaf #cutegirls #girlsofig #girlwithtattoos #inkedgirl #girlswithpiercings #girlswithstretchedears #madusa #philtrum #septum #selfie #brunette #longhair #wavyhair #ponytail #pale #paleskin #vegan #vegangirls #vegansofig #scandinavian #scandinaviangirls #goodnight #copenhagen #denmark

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Today's junk lunch ❤️ vegan "pulled pork" with avocado mayo 😍❤️. I love when people ask me if I miss meat, because there's nothing to miss when you can get the exact same thing. 3rd year as a vegan folks and not missing a single thing !! ❤️💪🏻🌱 #vegan #vegansofig #veganfoodshare #veganfood #whatveganseat #bbq #veganfoodporn #foodporn #delicious #yummy #tasty #goodfood #plantbased #burger #lunch #foodoftheday #veggieburger #foodofinstagram #crueltyfree #govegan #goveg #plantfood #copenhagen #denmark

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Little bub ❤️ cutest ever ❤️ #cats #catsofinstagram #donskoy #donsphynx #sphynx #spynxofinstagram #hairlesscat #nohairdontcare #kitty #yelloweyes #mypet #sleepy #omgsocute #cutecat #mykids #furlessbaby #furbaby

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More of my cat 😻❤️ #furbaby #furlessbaby #mykids #mypet #cats #cute #cuteaf #cutecat #cuteanimals #omgsocute #sphynx #donsphynx #donskoy #nohairdontcare #kitty #cozy #mychild #yelloweyes #hairlesscat #hairless #copenhagen #denmark

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Today I'm tiered and a bit sick❤️#sick #stillcutetho #cute #cuteaf #cutegirls #girls #girlsofig #girlswithtattoos #girlswithpiercings #piercings #philtrum #septum #madusa #brunette #blueeyes #waves #longhair #pale #paleskin #scandinavian #scandinaviangirls #vegan #vegangirls #vegansofig #goodnight #copenhagen #Denmark

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Bby ❤️

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I love playing with makeup ❤️ #cute #cuteaf #cutegirls #girlswithtattoos #girlswithpiercings #philtrum #madusa #septum #girlswithstretchedears #makeup #eyeshadows#blueeyes #contouring #brunette #darkhair #longhair #vegan #vegangirl #scandinaviangirls #goodnight #copenhagen #Denmark

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Peace is a lie, there is only passion. Through passion, I gain strength. Through strength, I gain power. Through power, I gain victory. Through victory, my chains are broken. The Force shall free me Cutest Sith Lord in all the Galaxy bby ❤️(though the lighting in my apartment couldn't compliment the makeup at all) #cute #cuteaf #sithlord #sithcode #sith #starwars #makeup #girlsofig #bordom #girls #girlswithpiercings #girlswithtattoos #madusa #philtrum #septum #selfie #longhair #darkhair #wavyhair #waves #vegan #vegangirls #vegansofig #goodafternoon #copenhagen #Denmark

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Dear “Veggans”... Please STOP

Lets get one thing real fucking clear,” VEGANISM” is NOT a diet, Veganism is a lifestyle, its a life philosophy in a whole.

• Veganism is about doing the least amount of harm possible.

• Veganism is trying to live in sync with our planet as closely as possible within reason.

• Vegans believe in NOT eating or harming any animal or animal based products.

When you consume eggs, you STILL contribute to the mass slaughter of hens and baby boy chicks, and the destruction of our planet. Therefor you are in no way a “Vegan” you are simply a Ovo-Vegetarian. Vegetarians come in many forms, vegans do not.

You have:

Lacto/ovo Vegetarian: (The classic) A vegetarian that eats NO meat, but consumes byproducts like dairy, honey, eggs ect.

Ovo-Vegetarian: Eats no meats, no dairy, BUT STILL EATS EGGS

Lacto-Vegetarian: Eats no meats or eggs, But eats dairy

then we have the “pescetarians” who are often confused with “vegetarians”

pescetarian: Thoes who do not eat red meats such as beef, pork as lamb, or only eat fish and animal byproducts, but seclude poultry completely (turkey, chicken ect)

Now that we have all that out of the way, we can quickly see that Vegganism, is not a new thing, but simply another fad diet trying to wave its benner under the name of Veganism. Abusing the vegan lifestyle simply because its “trendy” and being a vegan is “cool” If you see being an Ovo-Vegetarain as a “half way point” to making the more compassionate dissension (aka a vegan lifestyle) good on you. I can support that. Just keep in mind that you’re still can’t call your self a vegan.

We put so much work, passion and energy into our lifestyles, and I feel (and I’m sure many other vegans feel) that an Ovo-Vegetarian putting them self’s into the same category as a vegan is taking a giant shit on all the hard work we’ve done, to built up to make our community as compassionate and environmental as possible.

Eggs are not compassionate, eggs are not healthy, and eggs are one of the very many unnecessary cruel animal products that contribute to our planets mass destruction.

If you want to know more, I’ve posted some links down below.

Please do your homework and go Vegan

All about the egg industry: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IsgDwSvkJdM https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=utPkDP3T7R4

Laying hen cruelty: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=embnwQ7ohTc https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ssOEJpBQErc

Earthlings: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j9E-SmCDo-U

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(excuse the horrible handwriting)

I've been contemplating if I should do this since the trend first started, and I finally decided that its relevant, though its taken a lot of energy and bravery to do so, but its something that needs to be confronted.

Firstly, my reasoning for holding this possession is, I feel that qualifying the list above as rape, is taking the seriousness away from ACTUAL RAPE. In other words doing, more harm than good and here is why:

• If you regret sleeping with someone, (most of us have experienced this, drunk or not) you experience NO mental trauma. It was totally consensual on both sides, assuming that you’re of age.

• On to “stare rape”. You are NOT raping someone for simply appreciating the way they look, and this (and several other reasons) are why 3rd wave feminism is a joke.

• You do not need an oral agreement/consent form to know if someone wants to have sex with you. Most people have the capability of saying NO/STOP. Communication is important in any social/sexual situation. If the other part proceeds after you tell them to stop or say no, then yes, its actually rape.

• Someone sending you a dirty picture or message is not rape. Its simply harassment. you can stop it simply by blocking the individual.

• Someone simply hitting on you/ complimenting you... please… This shouldn’t even be debated. Someone simply telling you that you look nice, isn’t rape nor is it harassment (unless its you’ve asked them to stop or derogatory).

I know that not all feminist feel this way and don’t believe that any of these things are actually rape. This doesn’t apply to you. Though I have seen extremist say that they should be. None of these listed above does one experience mental trauma. None of these include holding someone down, and FORCING someone to engage in nonconsensual intercourse. If you walk up to a police officer, and tell him that you’ve been raped, he will automatically assume that you’ve been forced into nonconsensual sex. BECAUSE that’s what RAPE is. This is not my OPENION, this is a FACT. Saying someone RAPED you by simply staring at you, is taking something serious, so mentally traumatizing, and taking a giant shit on it. (hince doing more harm than good)

The act of staring involves no physical interaction what so ever, and rape does. Rape involves a lot of physical interaction.

That being said…

Secondly, don't hold anything against feminism WHERE ITS NEEDED (the Middle East for an example). You might expect as a victim of rape, I might hold a list of grudges against the male gender, but quite the opposite.

After being rapped in 2009,(besides my family) it was mostly my male best friend and boyfriend at the time, who where there for me and sympathized with me. So no, not all men are rapist, even after all this happened, it never ONCE crossed my mind to demonize the whole male gender. I could never imagine ANY of the amazing men in my life ever doing something so horrible. I trust all of them with my life. As for my now ex boyfriend, and best male friend “Martin”, both of these amazing young men are my friends and people I hold very dear. By saying “teach men not to rape” I personally feel insulted. You’re insulting all innocent men, and some of my closest friend by saying ALL men are basically programed to rape and dismissing the fact that women can be rapist too.

The only people to blame are the 3 people who where involved (1 rapist and the 2 individuals keeping an eye out). Even using Martin or my ex in the same context as these monsters is absolutely insulting. These are men who helped me though therapy, in some cases even attended therapy with me. Held me as I cried my self to sleep. Walked me home when I was to scared and went to get my bike from the basement where it happened, so I could get to school.

Men are NOT monsters. People are.

Stop demonizing men

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Mother fucking Dinoaur #cute #cuteaf #cultofjimass #jimass #dinoaur #bullpuss #drunkenpeasants #DP #girls #girlsofig #girlswithtattoos #girlswithpiercings #madusa #septum #philtrum #modified #modifiedgirls #makeup #vegan #vegansofig #goodafternoon #copenhagen #Denmark

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Just some quick thoughts

I deactivated Facebook today. I was honest for the reasons why. Not because I had no use for it, but because I started to hate everyone with a very strong passion.

I find it fairly ironic that when I tell someone how much I legitimately hate people, how much I find human nature and behavior to be repulsive ect. They laugh at me, tell me to stop being so mean, that I shouldn’t say stuff that I can’t take back, But I honestly really do hate people. I find me hating them more often than not. I prefer to be alone, I find a lot of peace in solitude, and beauty in darkness. It’s quiet, nones shitty bias opinions, about whatever’s popular at the time. Whether that be politics or what and what not to eat.

People like to complain about their problems, but are too lazy to do anything about it. I have people all around me who have health problems, due to poor diet and exercise, but they would rather pop pills for the rest of their pathetic lives, rather than take responsibility for their own actions, and start eating healthier. (One of the very many things that cannot stand)

Destroying our planet, tuning our oceans into a cesspool of diseases and raping it of all marine diversity. Cutting down rainforests, for what? So food can have food… (Meaning cows, chicken, pigs) and when you tell people this, they think you’re lying. Because they honestly think it’s for pencils and ass paper. Even if you give them all the evidence, they'll still reject it, because people are too fucking selfish and lazy. It's an "inconvenience" to actually make a change, save their planet, and their selves... These are just a few topics that have come up today that have gotten under my skin... "Forever angry" Rant over ...

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The city looks so pretty, do you wanna burn it with me? #cute #cuteaf #cutegirls #girlsofig #girls #girlswithtattoos #girlswithpiercings #madusa #philtrum #modified #modifiedgirls #longhair #wavyhair #waves #brunette #blueeyes #hailsatan #vegan #vegans #vegangirl #scandinavian #scandinaviangirls #copenhagen #Denmark