blueearthsaver

[blueearthsaver]

Judgment

The saying, "who are we to judge", is used frequently, but is a judgement in itself. Sayings used by individuals on a daily basis have a contradicting meaning and an important message all in one. Words spoken by people have many meanings, because of how people interpret them. Simply by saying the same phrase in a different tone of voice can make it mean something completely different. 

Someone like me who struggles to understand the intricacies of the English language, as someone who is autistic, I sometimes get misunderstood because of the tone I use. I also misunderstand people based on the tone they use. 

This has been on my mind a lot lately. Not only because of current politics, but of the struggles I have been dealing with as a student. I am about to graduate from college, and the memories of being told I would never make it this far keep flooding back. This brings me back to that quote, "who are we to judge?" Another version of this would be, "never judge a book by its cover." 

As an individual who is graduating with a dual degree and who has several disabilities, both invisible and visible, I am constantly being judged both in the classroom by my peers and instructors, and outside in the world where people do not know of my accomplishments. The thought of how people can use these sayings so carelessly when they themselves judge based on what they see is not only confusing, but concerning.

Biases and misconceptions run rampant in the society along with stigmas of mental illness and other disabilities. Ableism is another problem as well. These things are so ingrained in our culture that many of us do not know that we have them. What is important is when we learn we have misconceptions, stigmas, or biases we strive to learn from that mistake and take these sayings that we use seriously. Do not judge based on what we see and what we are taught from the society we live in. 

We are all unique individuals. We do not deserve to be judged based on what people see of us on the outside or what they perceive us to be. One voice can become many. All it takes is coming together.

[blueearthsaver]

A Lot has Happened Since 2019

A lot has happened since my last post in 2019. Things both good and bad. The past six years have been difficult and packed with pain, but it has had so many good things happen as well. I am hopeful of what the future brings.  Here is a list of everything that has happened: Cut ties with my abusive biological father.  Lost three pets from my childhood due to old age.  I graduated high school…

[blueearthsaver]

When I Look in the Mirror

When I look in the mirror,

I am not sure what I can see.

The face looking back,

Isn't one I've seen before.

The face of a child,

But the eyes of a soldier.

The unseen monster standing right behind,

Or right on the other side of the mirror.

My hands look old.

My hands look small.

I feel to tall,

But so damn small.

I forgot I aged.

I act so young.

My body's scars forgotten and gone.

I feel my injuries,

But no one can see.

I look to big,

For my childish soul.

What I can do,

Is not one I can find.

Those eyes looking back,

So gone and filled with pain.

They scream and cry,

Without a single drop of rain.

I smile,

But look back.

They feel everything,

I can not comprehend.

They tell the truth,

But even lie.

They do not look like me.

They look like the monster,

I left behind.

A mind of their own.

The doors to my soul.

I act so naive.

I act so young.

My eyes and ears,

Know more than that.

I want to go.

I want to return.

I do not want to know the truth,

My eyes tell looking back. . .

[blueearthsaver]

Fire

Fire,

That is all I see.

The village burning.

I thought there should be cries.

I thought there should be bodies.

But there was just peaceful silence .

The town I was in was filled with people.

But the moment I chose to run and took my first steps there was no one.

I can remember being told what to do and how to do it.

I remember not fitting in.

I remember being different.

Everyone would stare at me, because I did not follow their rules.

I never broke laws.

I never hurt anyone.

But I was different and did not belong.

As I turned the corner the buildings were covered in lush green plants.

I could hear the birds.

I could hear the wind.

I could see the clear sky.

And I felt I belonged.

The feeling of freedom.

The feeling of happiness.

The wave of negative emotions and thoughts bursting out of me.

Now I remember.

As the buildings burned.

I did it.

All of that suppressed emotions set everything on fire.

I felt at peace.

I felt happy.

I am now free.

As the sun rose over the burnt and plant covered buildings I started the day.

My first free day of being myself.

To be able to sing.

To be able to eat what I want.

Do what I want.

Say what I want.

I can be me and there is nothing they can do about it . . .

[blueearthsaver]

We Are

We hold a voice.

We have a unique identity.

We are a human being.

We are not dumb.

We are not stupid.

We are not illiterate.

We hold jobs.

We have high grades.

We have families.

We raise children.

We created new opportunities.

We make change.

We need support.

We need services.

We need help.

We are not a label.

We are not an object.

We are not an excuse.

We are a tribe.

We are a family.

We are not who you think we are.

You blame us.

You hurt us.

You do not listen to us.

You are not willing to help us.

You are not willing to understand us.

You are not willing to help us create change.

All we want is to be heard.

Understood,

And supported,

We create change together.

Not apart. . .

[blueearthsaver]

Our End

An abandoned Temple and silent trees, 

A void long since past,

With silent screams of a forgotten era,

We stand in oblivion, 

The Earth sheds tears of pain,

Of hatred, 

The birds sing songs of those long gone,

The world stands still in remembrance of our painful past,

The wolves howl to say goodbye,

The flowers sag and droop in sadness,

Our ticking clock counting down our final end,

and ,

Our loved ones leave in droves,

The ground shakes,

The wind howls through the trees,

The sky darkens,

Those who stayed sway and whisper,

They look cautiously at the forest and mountains,

We know this day would come,

Our end,

The Earth's end,

But no one knew what dangers it would bring until now . . .

[blueearthsaver]

Hi, my name is Hannah Adira. I am 21 years old, and I am a sophomore in college. I struggle with Separation Anxiety, Social Anxiety, General Anxiety, Agoraphobia, and PTSD. I am Autistic, have Bipolar, and ADHD. I also have dyslexia and dysgraphia. Doctors have suspected that I have OCD, but I have not been formally diagnosed.

I just started living on my own on the college campus, which is on the other side of the state from my family and most of my support team. This past quarter was incredibly difficult. I was barely able to finish the quarter. I come from a low income single parent home. My Mother raised my brother and I on her own, because my abusive biological father abandoned us. I have never been mentally and emotionally stable.

It has been brought up several times that I should look into Service Animals, but we have never had the money or resources to get a Service Animal. However, after what has happened this past quarter at college, I need more support. Dogs have always been calming for me, and I need that 24/7 in person support. After a recent doctor's appointment I started looking into Psychiatric Service Dogs. The kind of support that Psychiatric Service Dogs matches what my needs are.

I created this Go Fund me account to be able to get a Psychiatric Service Dog, so I can complete college, not fall apart, and remain independent. I have worked to make it here since I was 8 years old. I went through so many medications, and have been in therapy for 12 years. I have daily anxiety and panic attacks. This makes it difficult to function day to day. I have missed many college classes, because I could not leave my room. A staff member had to come and get me when I was stable enough to go to class to walk me to class. During class I would become unstable and would try to leave to go somewhere safe to have a panic attack, but doing this caused so much anxiety I would freeze, not being able to leave class. This would make me so exhausted that I would not be able to make it to class the next day.

I am trying to raise $5,000 to pay for Psychiatric Service Dog training for a dog I plan to adopt from a local shelter. I want to adopt from a local shelter to give the dog a forever home and a supportive family. Thank you for any support you can give me to help me be independent and feel safe.

[blueearthsaver]

Your Life

What happens when you create who you are around pain and suffering?

Do you change?

Do you move?

Do you stay?

How do you choose?

Your life,

Your identity,

Was created around pain and suffering

As time passes, and life moves on you loose who you are.

Your pain subsides.

Your smile returns.

Your self slowly disappears.

Who you thought you were,

Who you thought you were to become.

Disintegrates before your eyes.

You thought you knew who you were, but now you are not sure.

You took years to figure out who you were.

Now you question everything about yourself.

Does pain or happiness make you who you are?

You feel lost.

You feel alone.

You feel sad.

You feel angry.

You worry.

And,

You stand there staring at the wall.

Who you you?

What am I?

Pain,

Or,

Happiness. . .

[blueearthsaver]

Light in the Darkness

When the meadows fall silent, and the gods fall to Earth.

The people cry out for their loved ones, who left them behind to live in Eternal torment.

Those left behind follow the blood stained river, and war torn land.

Their goal, to find there once precious holy light.

They walk,

They run,

They crumble in tears,

No matter the barrier,

No matter the cause,

They shall fight to embrace their precious holy light.

Now at their unfortunate end the glistening light shines before them.

The light puts out their hand, and said you are not alone.

Those left behind takes the lights hand, and embraces their precious holy light.

[blueearthsaver]

Death, Forgotten Memories, and Loss

Today I remembered,

The event from my past,

The loss and pain,

The anger and forgotten memories,

I saw his face,

I remembered his smile that lacked all emotion,

I remembered his death,

And remembered the monster within,

I fell into a void long pasted,

I hear him say he loves me,

And tell me he cares,

I felt the pain,

I felt the grief,

I felt the anger,

And yet,

I feel free,

I have escaped his clutches,

And found my light,

I am learning my past,

And forgiving my pain,

I am living my life,

And writing my future,

Today I remembered,

The event from my past,

The death of my father,

And the freedom I gained,

He left me twice,

He hurt all of us,

He broke his promises,

And tore his future,

I feel bad for him,

Knowing who he is underneath all his personal deception,

I know he has emotions,

But he destroys them to remain in his personal world,

I am angry at him,

I am sad he left,

But I am happy that I am free,

All he creates is pain,

He destroys anything he touches,

And does not want to hear my words,

Today I remembered,

The event from my past,

The pain and suffering my father created,

And the free future I gained,

I have chosen,

I want my freedom and happiness,

Over the pain and suffering he causes,

I seek a future of my choosing,

And live in the light,

I want to walk my own path,

And live the life of my choosing,

I want to live,

Not just survive,

Today I remembered,

The event from my past,

I leave him behind,

And keep moving forward,

Today I gain my freedom,

And I am never going back. . .

[blueearthsaver]

Life

When the ocean waves touch the sky, the pain within is washed away.

When the bumblebees fly, our hearts are cleared of fire.

When the trees sway in the pain free wind, our minds are free to fly within our lives of colors and peace.

From rainfall to rainbow, our live change.

From anger to laughter, our minds and body create a maze of memories, bad and good.

[blueearthsaver]

Crowded Space

Voices,

Space,

The endless void,

I speak in silence,

I move in small spaces,

I see nothing but darkness,

I know what they say,

I see what they do,

But,

They don’t see me,

In crowded spaces,

And,

Endless voids,

I move in silence within the endless store,

I wish to run,

But,

I feel to trapped,

I wish to speak,

But,

I am overwritten,

I wish to slow down,

But,

I can not,

This is a store,

Before,

Christmas day. . .

(Written: 12/23/20)

[blueearthsaver]

Ghosts

Darkness ,

Terror,

Scenes of blood,

We are dead.

But,

We are not gone until we get our revenge.

We walked through darkness to live.

We died by your hand.

We are now walking in a scene of blood.

“Do you feel it?

All that pain we felt.

Do you?

No?

Oh really!

Well then how is this?!”

“You don’t feel our pain!

But,

Why?

No,

It more like you can’t feel our pain.”

We are homeless souls.

We are walking in darkness with a sea of blood.

A sea of blood,

Our blood,

We were hurt over and over by you!

So,

Why don’t we see you feel?

You’re emotionless.

You’re a monster.

You’re total darkness.

And,

You burn everything you touch into cinders.

Revenge!

REVENGE!!!

We will get you.

I will get you for what you did!

I will,

For I am a ghost that walks in total darkness with a sea of blood. . .

(Written: April 9,2020)

[blueearthsaver]

The beauty at the dining table, during the Christmas of 2019.

Photograph by: Blue Earth Saver 101

[blueearthsaver]

 Original photos taken by me in Spokane, WA. 

[blueearthsaver]

The Unforgiving Sin

You said to me once that you loved me,

You said to me once that you cared,

You said to me once that you would never leave.

But then a dark cloud came,

And then,

You were gone.

You ripped and tore my bleeding flesh,

You broke my little brother in two,

You stabbed my mom until she yelled no more.

You are a monster,

You are a thief,

You are a misleading god.

You come from hell,

You come from hate,

You come from evil,

And never leave.

I want you gone,

I want you back,

But I can only have one.

I pick gone,

For you have taken my life,

My little brother’s life,

My mother’s life,

And ripped it in to pieces.

You only choose the parts you like,

You only see what you want,

You only say what you choose.

Your world is a unsolved puzzle,

With the most important pieces missing,

You might say you love me,

You might say you care,

You might say you will always be there.

But,

You should have done this:

Years of actions to prove it,

Years of relationship building,

And years of effort,

Before the clock runs out,

Before one party moves on,

Before I move on.

It has been six and a half years of your internal hell flooding my world,

To heal from the torture,

I must move on.

To smile and laugh again,

I must move on,

To see the light on the other side of the dark,

I must move on,

This is my final goodbye to a father I hate,

This is the truth that you do not see.

Goodbye my captor,

Goodbye my hate,

Goodbye my pain,

Goodbye father. . .

[blueearthsaver]

The Betrayal

He came home every evening,

He tucked us into bed every night,

And went to work every morning.

He ate dinner with us,

He watched movies with us,

He played with us.

A life that was and could have been,

Stolen by an evil man,

Stolen by a once loved man.

He never saw it,

The love,

The love he had.

He throw it away like it was nothing,

Nothing but yesterday's trash.

We could have had a family of four,

And not a family of three.

He threw it away,

The love and joy,

The family meals,

The family fun.

He through it away and never looked back,

He left us in the dust and forgot about us.

The life we could have now a barren beaten path,

Of,

Trauma,

Sadness,

Anger,

Despair.

He had it all,

Why did he let it go?