borderline-buddies

[borderline-buddies]

have not been posting on this blog because i am focusing on trying to get genuine help BUT

I wanted to let everyone know that this was a vent blog for me - and that I do NOT want anyone taking the unhealthy coping mechanisms that i took or getting inspired to do things that i posted on this blog . Help exists - and it is way better than hurting yourselves .

if anyone wants to vent - they can still do it here :]

[borderline-buddies]

a scar for everything I have ever done .

[borderline-buddies]

yeah

having someone be kind and patient with you when youve been traumatized is embarrassing as fuck. "are you okay" "do you need alone time" "do you want a hug?" wtf no? why cant you just hit me or yell at me or something normal??

[borderline-buddies]

Hi.. I wrote a poem..

I hate you, sister, I love you, sister,

My heart a pendulum, swings bitter, softer.

I hate you, I hate you—a mantra, a cry,

I hope you’ll vanish; I hope you’ll die.

But hug me, hug me, hold me tight,

I’m lost in shadows, seeking your light.

Why are you cruel? Why am I mean?

A mirror, cracked, reflects unseen.

Why are you so big? Why am I so small?

Why can’t you hear my silent call?

Change is a monster I cannot tame,

Each step forward, I’m back the same.

Why can’t I be better? Why can’t you see,

How hard it is to just be me?

this is beautiful.

[borderline-buddies]

Hey there again, ever heard of talklife app, I recently found out about it..it's nice, u can vent in it have a diary, rooms, people with the same problem or that could comfort u and other stuff, I kinda like it, I should give it a try!

I did not know about that ! thank you ! going to be sure to give it a try.

[borderline-buddies]

I don't know when it started but everytime i fight with someone, a friend, my mom, my older sisters, or i just feel upset i just start hitting my head, i dont just hit it with anything, i need to find a good object that would give me the best feeling of pain, for example i don't like using a notebook unless the cover is made out of solid cardboard, soft plastic doesn't hurt the way i want it to, sometimes i ram my head on the wall, use my tablet, a broom, my fists, and it always makes me feel better. Not like i love pain, or im masochistic or something, it just makes me feel...real, it grounds me to reality or something. I know its bad for me but i dont have anyone that cares enough to stop me or help me, when any family members see me hit my head against the wall or with my fist they don't get concerned, they get mad like "ugh stop hitting ur head dumbass" or "what did i say about hitting ur head" it doesn't feel like they the message, and my friends just say "its bad to do this" or "don't hurt the body that was given to u" or whatever, its like...yeah i know..but i can't help it, this became a habit, a perfect coping mechanism, since i dont really like slicing skin, im a coward i hate scars i tried to do it once but i just couldn't i was too scared of the aftermath, so i stopped immediately, i hate the pain, but hitting my head doesn't pain me..does that make sense?

yeah - it makes sense. I actually used to do this and usually the anger would burn out and i could actually feel like....a person. I do recommend finding better coping though and trying to not hurt yourself. but yeah i absolutely do understand.

[borderline-buddies]

U know whats funny?, u have friend who's a bit problematic and that influenced u someway but u still love and wish the best for them and always try to support them in their steps of change, and when they do change now they have better people around him, more friends, when u were the only one they had, and not only that, they don't bother to even reply to ur texts...so when u confront them they say they've been dropping hints that they don't want u anymore, n that they feel 'uncomfortable' n that they want to be a better person and have better influences around them...funny because when the vent to me about their daddy issues and mommy issues and over-shared info that u shouldn't, i didn't say hey that makes me uncomfortable, i stayed, n i comforted u, i tried my best to be supportive, amd when that person made sexual jokes about me or any other thing, i never said i was uncomfortable...i let it slide because i held that person a special place in my heart, its funny because i was always trying to help this person get better n call them out if they did something that upsets me, but now that they're fixed they dont want their broken piece anymore, the little piece that was heavily influenced by them, the one who always were there even at their worst, cuz if the people they know now knew how the person was like before changing...they will throw up. They wouldn't put up with them as i did. And i hate myself for every moment i never told this person that i was uncomfortable, afraid of misunderstanding, afraid of hurting someone...and now, they think they are so much better than me...that they changed and went back to god, and suddenly became pure like all their past troubles were erased, and they tell me that my feelings are scary, for being honest...for telling them how i actually felt! About them leaving me unwanted and excluded, "its like ur saying im obsessed with you" yea thats what they said to me...OBSESSED!? Just for being upset. for feeling invisible. unwanted. used.

Oh god where do I ever start Yeah ! Yeah. It really is always just like this - huh ? When you think it all gets better and then life hits you with this shit. But hey - that person sucks. That person does not deserve people like us - nor do they deserves to use people like us for their own gain. Screw anyone who thinks they can do otherwise - the mentally ill are not your dumping groups for your own issues - nor should they be fixing you. Drop this person and never look back. It is so - SO difficult to do that sort of thing - but trust me ? you will only be so much happier. People like this do not deserve your time - nor should you waste your comfort for them. You can find somebody to treat you so much better - honestly. You are not obsessed. You cared - and that is not a crime.

[borderline-buddies]

I always give so much for so little in return.

[borderline-buddies]

Please,😭🚨😭🚨😭🚨😭🚨🍉

next Tuesday I need 1000 thousand euros so that my father can leave Gaza to Egypt for surgery after he was shot by an Israeli sniper.https://gofund.me/dd27f564

.

[borderline-buddies]

you never wanted me to be your friend - you only stayed around so that you would feel less bad about yourself.

[borderline-buddies]

I wish you liked me the same way that you like him.

[borderline-buddies]

as another borderline, i think you should quit. i feel like this blog is only making you get worse. genuinely please get help.

Oh this is just a vent blog where i scream my sorrows and frustrations into the void in a way that is actually healthy this has to be....one of the healthiest ways I have of coping...? both that - and it keeps me away from the more unhealthy routes that i have been known to take in the past having somewhere where i can just shout my difficulties out and rage and not expect a response helps me blow off steam so that I do not bottle up all those emotions inside of me and end up hurting myself. I guess this blog is just like a digital journal where i write down how I feel the vents i post here are actually significantly less severe than the ones i used to make in the past. I am currently in the process of looking for a new therapist and stuff so this sort of thing is basically the only sort of "help" I have ( getting help is easier said than actually done. ) but...essentially - this is a blog where i occasionally post vents into a circle of people that I know will understand without anyone having to know who i am or without having to pay somebody to listen to me i hope this makes sense

[borderline-buddies]

sorry for not calling you back I have been rotting

[borderline-buddies]

you can yes

after some consideration - ( seeing as how people relate to this blog ) i have decided to open up this blog for anyone who needs to vent out emotions too . i think my asks should be open .

[borderline-buddies]

after some consideration - ( seeing as how people relate to this blog ) i have decided to open up this blog for anyone who needs to vent out emotions too . i think my asks should be open .

[borderline-buddies]

you're not an horrible person you are 15 years old

[borderline-buddies]

nobody will understand how badly it hurts when you wither everything you touch and lay waste wherever you step.