bows-and-cigarettes

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the number 20 makes me want to throw up

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worth it 🤷🏽‍♀️

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what is house even about

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i tried not taking my mirtazapine last night since taking it for a month straight and i honestly felt like i was going to die.

i felt my whole body shutting off but my mind was still semi active. istg i couldn't breathe either and i wasn't falling asleep.

rambling vent:

ugh cant believe i gotta rely on this dumbass med for sleep now, it makes me so tired in the afternoons despite me taking wellbutrin, and it makes me so dumb, like i never know whats happening.

i feel even more disconnected from my surroundings and body than before, but instead of void in my mind its now just hollow.

i part of me thinks its great; i feel great cuz my mind doesn't get in the way of my life anymore. my thoughts doesn't consume me to the point of getting overwhelmed. but also if i really think about it, i dont feel "great", i just dont feel anything.

ive had these numbness-induced drugs with other meds, particularly zoloft and prozac, but this time im not aware of my numbness, im kinda just going with the flow.

i still get angry and upset easily but it does away quickly cuz each time i feel an intense emotion i get a really weird headache and i go blank.

i say i feel great because now im experiencing life without my thoughts of hatred, spitefulness, suicide, dwelling for once was or yearning for what wasn't; instead i dont really think. ever.

im writing again which is great for it cuz i love making my imaginations physical, and hearing other people read it and liking it despite it not being their usual genre; to makes me feel proud. im eating healthier and losing some weight which is great; though i still go thru days were i binge savagely. im recovering slowly tho. im more hygienic and even days i dont want to i shower because i can feel the dirt building on my skin. i applied and got accepted to a college, tho not in nyc unfortunately and im really upset about. i wish i got in-state tuition for it cuz im so close to the city 😭.

these meds are helping me, and honestly idk what i expect from them. meds can only do so much; they cant hardwire my brain to think different. im stuck with what i have, and i cant deal with it on my own.

im fine right now, but i've noticed the longer i take them the more quite my brain gets. im concerned that its gonna get to a point where i just dont feel anything, like even metal can overstimulate me sometimes, i fucking love metal.

idk. if u read this far thank u. take care of urself 🩷

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i love putting my dream self and dream bf through random shit

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he locked in fr

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i complain and weep about my lack of contacts but the people that've stayed i've pushed away

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delulu

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about me 🎀 🚬

⋆ ★

for shits and giggles and tears

tw 3d and anything else tbh

hi my name is em. im 19 and dominican 🇩🇴

i like writing, runway fashion, humor, and being depressed. i listen to different music but fav genre is shoegaze metal. fav artists are deftones, lana del rey, and pierce the veil. i also like art and i draw twice in a blue moon.

im pretty boring outside of my mental issues but follow if you'll like, i'd rlly appreciate it :)

if not thank you for showing interest, take care 🫶🏽

[bows-and-cigarettes]

i love writing my fucked up characters and fucking up their lives because no one is safe from my imagination

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healing my inner child by finally making a tumblr account