cannicullistic

[cannicullistic]

eating at a cafe across my workplace for lunch..

planning to get high with my bestie on Saturday after work as well..

and I've actually been taking my medicine lately

life is good :)

[cannicullistic]

i listen to this song when i need a certain chaotic mental boost.

[cannicullistic]

once again realizing i mean absolutely nothing.

everyone always responds to my friends posts and comments everywhere i look and go, but when im the one who needs support and is having a hard time, i get fucking nothing.

[cannicullistic]

im so fucking over feeling sad all the time

I hate that I'm always in a rough spot when my friends are to like fuck. I always am the one to support them always and all I get in response is a frowny face and an are u ok.

no I'm Not Okay and I actively want to shove my head down the garbage disposal and flap that shit on

like do you even understand how awful it feels to be needing support and Never Fucking Receive It?

why the FUCK do I have to beg. why the FUCK do I have to cry to be noticed. this is actually insane. no one gives a fuck and it shows lmfao I would put on a fake smile for you and help you,.you can't even do that in return for me?

i literally can't do this anymore.

im gonna start letting my anger flow and apathy reign. I s2g.

[cannicullistic]

bro left me for oreo's btw i will not forgive this transgression

sometimes you just need to voice call with your bestie to wake up and set a good mood for the day. im looking at you @bulletcreep ily

[cannicullistic]

sometimes you just need to voice call with your bestie to wake up and set a good mood for the day. im looking at you @bulletcreep ily

[cannicullistic]

bro i only got maybe 4, 4 and a half hours of sleep and im currently doing everything in my fucking power to stay alive so i can walk to work lmfao

ive drank soda and took a shower by now and have loud/stimulating music playing but i still want to fucking fall over and die. what.

might have to make a cup of coffee oh my fuck

[cannicullistic]

right back at ya bestie .. also ily

i would pay both my weight in gold & sell my soul for 72 hours where none of my friends want to kill themself and nobody in the world is mad at me and everyone likes me just 72 hours and it can go back to normal

[cannicullistic]

I love my best friend

last night I forced @bulletcreep to call cause I was nawt taking no for an answer n we had not called for fun in a while and this bitch almost killed me deadass from making me laugh at my Google search

it was really fucking wild and I havent stopped thinking about the genuine questionable voice he had LMFAO as he stared at my screen displaying fucking corn chips next to a.google document on my tabs about a Dom/sub dynamic. bro then proceeded to ask for it and get so into that he leaned into his mf screen.

[cannicullistic]

casually reminded i am uncool and have no great or cool hobbies and i need to enact violence on myself bc im such a waste of no talent and air

[cannicullistic]

ive yet again succeeded in ruining another relationship/situationship? and my reward is sleeping very early and crying myself to sleep as I contemplate pulling myself away again.

[cannicullistic]

*drops a slab of incredibly cheesy bread*

eats it off the ground

[cannicullistic]

once again i am casually reminded that im fucking loveless lmfao.

my last relationship lasted 4 or 5 days and ended abruptly bc they weren't ready and ig i wasn't either but it fucking hurt me so much like actually. genuinely. i loved this person and i think them pulling away so quick made me realize i'm maybe just not ready for a romantic relationship for.. a while.

i feel so loveless with my bpd; it's a curse man.

i wish i had the energy to explain myself and shit more but i just do not. im just exhausted. im so tired. i'm so hurt man.

make it stop, please.

[cannicullistic]

once again i am tweaking over my confusing sexuality.

like ok im in a dom/sub dynamic ngl and its been a great start but also i feel like if my sub was to flirt or seek other doms then i might flip my fucking lid! bc! i have bpd and i feel EVERYTHING out of proportion like to 200% if not more when emotions, feelings n the likes are rampant.

i also feel like such a fucking loser. im demisexual but also asexual or greysexual?? bc of wanting and preferring a deep connection, emotional connection with the other i'm sexually attracted to.

but like. due to bpd i think i'm simultaneously hypersexual and also sex repulsed. hypersexual bc of it coming with the disorder and being eager, excited to be in a dynamic like this again +++ sex repulsed when my partner was ever to flirt with another, or talk about sexual stuff with anyone else but me.

idk what the fuck it is. it's obv a bpd thing. but i feel so stupid and invalid for how i feel. bc at the same time i want to talk to them about like what i wanna do in our dynamic, if they were to say smth slightly even a turn off for me, it'd ruin the moment for me and possibly the dynamic.

why the fuck am i like this bro please i need to like electrocute my brain, maybe that will fucking help me lmfao

[cannicullistic]

something about being demi + ace scares me.

I don't like that it always feels like a battle. everyone else seems to be fitting into their identities and such okay but I'm struggling. so fucking much. for no good reason.

like I'm demi bc for both sexual and romantic reasons I want to wait until I've built a good relationship with the person or felt safe enough with them

but my recent relationship was rushed I think and it led us to break up extremely fast and like I think I'm more demi than I've ever been

but also at times we're so sex and intimacy repulsed. but are also hypersexual due to disorders.

I feel so fucking invalid bc one second I can be hypersexual and the next I'm like wanting to CRY?? bc someone I like is talking sexual with someone else as a joke or smth. THAT SHIT FUCKING HURTS MEEE.

I fucking wish I could just pick ONE and go with it but I struggle a lot to find a comfortable middle and...idk. being demi ace is hard :( I hate it kinda I wish there was a term for this switch I experience, would esp help if it could be BPD related

[cannicullistic]

just woke up with my lower leg muscles pulsing and forming a fucking union.

genuinely started crying from how painful it was

[cannicullistic]

fun fact: nothing matters in this world.

romance doesn't exist and feelings are fleeting. get high, drunk, and gamble your problems away.