cant-you-be-m1ne-forever

[cant-you-be-m1ne-forever]

Me being here isn't my purpose.

[cant-you-be-m1ne-forever]

WARNING: SELFHARM PICTURES UNDER.

What a burden i am.

A burden, i am.

I am stopping them from growing themselves, and I'm stagnant, already here, stagnant.

Maybe if I succeeded that day, he would be happy to go to an university right away in the future. But I am still alive, making him stagnant to choose, however, i made him worrying for me. I should have killed myself shouldn't i? It's just only three weeks and i can't even ensure that I won't kill myself. And his future would be brighter if i should have died. And I am still here, stagnant. Stagnant. Stagnant. Everything. Everything, envy. Envy, why is he loved so much by everyone? Why? I'm stagnant again. I am stuck here, existing like something no one would actually be fine being around me. I don't even want to talk. I don't even want to hear anything. I just only know that I ruined someone else's life and now even my loved one, even if I tried to, i can't do anything at all. And I hurt him, by hurting myself and i can't change a shit about that. Everyone wants me in an asylum but I don't want to because they'll treat me so disrespectfully and everything else.

Maybe he never cared that much. But he should go though.

I should just kill myself. I should've killed myself. I don't understand anything but I feel like it'd just only be choking for him to be around me, since to him I'm that dependent but in fact i just only want to die.

So that to everyone I'm ungrateful to my parents now right?

It's just me being that way right? They tried their best, maybe, they were just only scared to save me even thought I begged them to just only accept that I'm in pain being treated that way, but all they did was just turned their heads away.

And what am I now?

I can't trust anyone, you know. I'm just simply hard to be around with, right? It's better if I kill myself, yeah, should have choked on that dose of methylene blue and let it burned me inside out maybe hhh.

I know my parents wouldn't check on me. The latest time I tried to kms, my mom even complained about how messy my room was even thought just the previous nights i drank half the bottle of rotundin 60mg and almost died by couldn't breathe properly due to OD, and my dad chased me away to another room at the morning even though I was still weak and couldn't get up.

And it's funny, because i will not survive the next time, and i know no ones will actually figure my corpse out until afternoon the same day, and yea that's it.

Just only three weeks.

He deserves to be happy.

Yeah.

He does.

I will not stopping him by the risk of my suicidal attempt anymore.

I'll do it as soon as possible.

So that he'll just-

Yeah.

Going with a set result is better than going with anxiety in your mind right?

It's just my life.

A life.

I don't even need it then who will? I don't even want it then who will? I don't even love me then who will? And especially.

I can't even save myself.

Who will now?

My dad said it's my issues.

I should stop asking for help, he told me, and said I can't abuse that reason whenever I need my bf to stay over.

But I needed his help.

I know I'm too unstable, yeah.

I'm too unstable. Yeah.

Too unstable.

Should have just ended it all.

I'm stopping him from everything.

An university in Norway where he could fly and grow.

A trip for him to bond with his family. To buy new clothes and to love himself and enjoy his life more.

And he wanted to stay because he's afraid that I'll be died once he's gone.

And I'm nothing. For him to feel that way.

But he did.

Sad for him now.

Well I guess I'd just-

If my death is inevitable then...

Yeah.

Why don't i let it happen a little bit sooner?

Yea- Why am I even hesitate anymore?

No needs.

If I'm gone, my parents will not have to pay for the tuition.

I won't be able to pay my sissy and my aunt the debt i have for my brand right now.

But it'll be fine right? It'll be better if they hate me, it'll be less sad for them.

My parents won't have an ungrateful child anymore.

I'll just let them free.

My bf will have valid reasons to go now since my place is a place he would never want to remind himself of? Sounds cruel, but it works well once he move on, and he'll finally have his life. And I know he'll live once I die, so let it be like that.

My friends? Idk, they'll be fine, they'll go on with their life. Just a death, soft one, no needs to be worried, right?

I...

I think I give up now.

Yeah. I finally do. His life is solid, better without me.

Everyone is.

Yeah.

I will be gone, soon.

Yeah. Hopefully.

The 16th time?

Yeah. How beautiful that will be if i success.

Yeah. Lovely.

The second time in this year now.

They're all numb to me attempting suicide now. Even if it's real or not. About who isn't, it's just only about "not yet".

They'll be.

Sooner or later.

I know.

Yeah.

That's it.

I know.

[cant-you-be-m1ne-forever]

Can I die now can I die now can I die now can I die now can I die now can I die now can I die now

[cant-you-be-m1ne-forever]

Hoá ra con người ta chết dễ dàng tới thế.

Họ không chết bởi những điều kinh thiên động địa, hay những sự kiện đớn đau tới mức choáng váng đầu óc, mà họ chết bởi vì những gặm nhấm, những đắng cay, sự vần vò của trí não tưởng chừng như không thể nào kết thúc.

Hoá ra, để giết một người không cần nỗ lực nhiều tới vậy.

Lột trần họ, đốt trụi đi những đường hoàng tôn nghiêm, lại vặt đi cả những lông tơ của đôi cánh hi vọng chỉ vừa chớm vươn mình, vậy là đủ rồi.

Ném họ cho những kẻ đói khát, xâu xé họ từ trong ra ngoài.

Khiến họ nghĩ rằng có khi mình còn chẳng đủ tư cách để làm nô lệ tình dục.

Vĩnh viễn không bao giờ đủ, có lẽ chỉ là một con phò khốn khổ khốn nạn, nhơ bẩn mà người ta vứt lại ngoài đường.

Khiến họ nghĩ rằng một chút tình yêu nào họ nhận được cũng chỉ là ban phát bố thí, bởi vì ai mà yêu được thứ kinh tởm và buồn nôn như họ chứ...?

Gán ghép họ với danh nghĩa của "một kẻ bình thường" nhưng lại liên tục ngầm ám chỉ rằng họ sẽ không bao giờ đủ khả năng để trở thành một con người bình thường, một con người bình thường đúng nghĩa.

Vậy phải làm sao đây?

Đâu có gì đâu mà làm.

Người ta là như thế đấy, vậy mà người ta lại mong rằng những kẻ khốn khổ kia có thể sống, đổ những trách nhiệm mà "người bình thường" còn chịu không nổi lên đầu họ rồi lại tự hỏi làm sao mà họ phải tìm đến cái chết.

.

.

.

Vì không muốn sống tiếp cuộc đời như thế này chứ còn sao nữa.

Hỏi thừa.

Đời cũng thừa, không thừa cơm ăn áo mặc nhưng sống thừa, tồn tại thừa, lại thiếu tình yêu thực sự và một vài sự quan tâm bảo vệ cần thiết.

Thế không chết thì được cái gì?

Được cái hi vọng về "một mai tươi sáng hơn" mà chẳng thấy mặt mũi đâu ấy hả? Hi vọng mãi mãi chỉ là hi vọng thôi, cái thứ đó mà thuộc về tôi thì tôi đã không phải trở thành như thế này.

Thà thế còn hơn.

Tôi cũng chẳng quay lại cái nơi chó má này đâu.

Đời đẹp mà, ai muốn sống thì cứ sống, nhưng như tôi đã nói, nơi này cũng đéo thuộc về tôi, tôi bị ngu, tôi bị mù, tôi nhỏ nhen, tôi chỉ biết có bản thân mình đúng, tôi không cần biết có ai xung quanh tôi cả, tôi ích kỉ, tôi khốn nạn, tôi bại hoại, tôi "nát" rồi, "hỏng" rồi, buông tay tôi đi, để yên cho tôi chết.

Tôi chán lắm rồi.

Kệ mẹ mấy người đấy, làm cái đéo gì thì làm.

Giờ tới chỗ để chết cho nó yên thân còn đéo có.

Tôi thấy bị phiền lắm rồi.

Để tôi yên đi.

Làm ơn làm phước đấy.

[cant-you-be-m1ne-forever]

What if I just end this all here.

I don't want it to be like this.

I'm tired.

Just tired. Feeling like I'm running all behind everyone. Chasing after people and yet they just don't stop by to wait for me.

I'm not someone to be look up to.

I'm not someone who deserve to be like that.

I have nothing special.

And yet, I'm not even good enough, there are billion people who are better than me and I don't know why I can't accept the fact that I'm just falling behind.

And.

Should I just stop living and remind myself that I'm weak? So I'll fall more behind every week.

So it'll roll down from my eyes to my cheek

Onto the floor and to where people couldn't seek

Voilà, voilà, voilà qui je suis, me voilà même si, mis à nu, c'est fini, me voilà dans le bruit, dans le silence aussi.

Ockdkkdkckckdkcnfnbfjkfkdjvjfjjcjdjdjkspwpeosodldodkskkcmdmcmdmdmmskdfjdnvjdriiwnanttovengiskkckdkfkskckkdfkiwamttoventjvkkvkfkvjcjfjjccjjletmefhvkkvkfkkvjcjcjcjcjcccjccjccccfffffffjjjjjjjjjfjjjfjfjfjfjfjfjfjfjjfjfjjcjjvjdjvjjjdjejdjkskdkfkskdkdkddkfkfkfkdkdfdkddkdkfkdddkdffkvjfjvbfnjjvjfjvjdjvfkvkdkfkdkfkddddkdffffkfjjffjfjfjjfjokaykxkjcjcjjvjjffkkcckfokaykckdkfhsjjdkdkcjjcnvncnfnffncnvnvjjxjfjdjdjiwanttodienvkfkvkkvvkidontknowncjkvkvjvjvjcjvcjjdjcjdineedtogetitoutbutitdoesntgetoutofmychestandidontlikeitnjvjgkgkkgkdkgkkfkffkfkkckdkfiwanttoventjcjfjgjdjrjgjdkkfkdkdkkckkddidontknownvmktkfkfkkfkddontsaysorrykckkdkvkdjdjffjfjfjfjfvjjdjgfjdjccjcjcfvjvjjcjfjhdndmcmimchaoticnvmkckfkdkgkdkfkdkfkxkdkfkdkkrirjgfhjvjfjfjskkfkskkfkkkckdvkdkfmybrainisopeninglotsofradiosnmvkgkvkkfkandradiovnmxkvkdkkarerunningwildnvkdkkvdkkfimjusttiredjvkkgkckdwhycsngjjvjgjfijustwantarestnvjfkvknvdkkvkdkdiwanttodieitllbethebestresteverjvkkfvkkdjvkdjgjjfjdjjaklclrkockkcnjrkwirurjejfkdkdkkskskdkdihatemyselfnvjkdfkwhywouldthishappentomebfkkvkdidruineveryonedaysngkkkfkgkhgfgjfrregfhfdyfhdtghhdfgfgfrjdkdefjkdyoudidnthsjfjdhagrvehavetolieformejvkdjjfididdihiidifieifyoucantsayitwasevenfinejjfifdifififiririifrrsjsiisjfjrififirieiwowdpcococoddodoodoodododffifivijgiggigfidontknow

Why can't I tolerate myself.

Why can't I tolerate myself.

Why.

I have to tolerate myself.

Otherwise I'll die.

It's obvious

No one is willing to handle a person they hate into guts.

And I hate myself into guts.

And I can't tolerate myself. Yet I can't tolerate myself. How can't I, how will I be able to put up with this shit for my whole life?

My brain is shutting down.

And no, everyone will leave. No one would stay either way. No one is different from eachother.

Because they're all the same.

No one can handle me.

No one should have to do it.

I can't expect them.

They'll got tired and leave me

Alone

One day.

Not so far.

And I'm so tired

So so tired

Very tired

You don't understand yourself

How could you know

How would you know. ...

That you would eventually be able to put up with me

Such a beautiful white lie.

Should be kept in a museum.

And I'm so tired.

I think I need a proper rest

My eye, the right one

Sees blue again.

I guess

When two views blend into one

They got a little bit

Blurry

The world's a lil bit blurry.

Or maybe, it's my eyes.

Tell me not to worry.

But in the end, it's just all a lie.

Maybe every time I love someone, i would just break

Every pieces of myself, from trust to beliefs

You said you'd build it again, but what if it won't live

Where would be your chance if I don't live.

My brain is shutting down.

My right eye still see blue.

A little bit blurry.

The world's a little bit blurry.

But I think, it's because of my eyes.

The world is

So colorful.

But it's just me

Only me who is blind.

I don't belong here

I can't see anything. Can't feel anything, can't smell, can't listen, where are the colors?

Why am I just seeing everything black and white.

.

.

.

But I'm so blue

And it's not true. How I am pretending that it's getting better.

It won't.

I'll die in this dirty gutter.

I'm so

Fine

I'm so okay.

I shouldn't be here.

I

Should

Just

Kill

Myself

Haha

You

Should

Treasure yourself.

I'll shut my head down now

Killing it would be a better choice.

[cant-you-be-m1ne-forever]

Please.

Somehow.

Let me die.

Do you know how bad it can get to be when there's obviously someone for you to trust, to lean on, but yet you choose your death over it?

How funny it is.

I'm just tired.

Simply tired.

Tired of myself.

One day, you'll know that even when the whole world loves you, it wouldn't really mean a shit if "they" don't, and you can't love yourself.

Your dad, and your mom.

Your life is at risk only just because of those people. And how you hate it, how you hate it could get to be pathetic.

Simply tired.

It's like, you can't stop it either way, no matters what you do.

All you can do is trying to run away, trying to face it, but nothing works to the point that you'd rather die.

You'd rather kill yourself.

So you hate anyone who let that happen or trying to stop you from killing yourself.

And you hate yourself because how it works that way.

You hate yourself because you can't stop it.

At all, at any point.

[cant-you-be-m1ne-forever]

Tôi không nhớ nổi.

Không có gì để nhớ.

Cũng dường như chẳng có gì để lãng quên.

Cứ vậy trôi dạt vào cuộc đời này, rồi lại ra khỏi cuộc đời này, không một dấu ấn, hay cột mốc nào khác nữa.

Và hơn cả, đây là VENTING, không phải là thơ.

.

.

.

.

.

Hay là thôi buông tay đi cho xong.

Chạy đuổi theo người khác làm chi? - Chỉ mỏi mệt cõi lòng.

Số phận phai nhạt rồi sao phải cần níu giữ?

Hay là thôi, buông tay đi...

Cho xong.

Nếu tôi chết nay mai không một lời từ biệt,

Xin người đừng khóc cũng xin chớ muộn phiền.

Không cần đau đâu, hộ một đời kiếp nạn.

Sao phải tiếc một thoáng chẳng an yên.

Nếu nấm mộ là điều cuối cùng để giải thoát

Xin đừng ai giữ tôi lại làm gì.

Thôi những lời biện hộ và cả những lời đường mật

Tôi cũng chẳng muốn nghe mãi làm chi.

Kết thúc cho nhanh một phận đời mỏi mệt.

Kết thúc cho nhanh trong chốc lát êm đềm.

Nói gì thì nói, tôi không muốn bận tâm nữa.

Tương lai hay hiện tại hay mịt mờ nỗi đau xưa.

Tôi chỉ muốn làm một người bình thường.

Biết thở, biết ăn, biết sống phận mình an ổn.

Tôi chỉ muốn làm một người bình thường.

Một điều tôi biết tôi không bao giờ có tư cách muốn.

Mọi người nói; "Tại mày nghĩ vậy nên mới khổ thôi"

"Tại vì nghiệp mày thế, vì tại chỉ mày thôi"

Họ nói với hi vọng rằng họ không có tội.

Vậy nên họ sẽ không phải chịu đựng cái cuộc đời của tôi.

Tôi không bảo tôi khổ hơn ai, tôi khổ hơn ai tôi cũng không thiết biết,

Tôi chỉ tự hỏi làm sao để não tôi ngừng liệt.

Để tôi sống cho ra dáng một con người.

Chứ không phải cái thứ này, một sợi thở chơi vơi

Gió thổi lay đưa chỉ chờ một ngày đứt.

Khi tình yêu không còn là đường mật

Mà là thứ tôi sợ - vì nó giữ tôi lại với đời.

Tôi không dám nhận lấy vì - người ơi

Tôi không thể nào ích kỉ được tới thế.

Sống thêm một khắc là một lần thường lệ

Địa ngục trần gian trói tôi lại với tôi.

Không thể thoát đi đâu, nỗi đau cũ gọi mời

Khi chính tôi lại chính là vực thẳm mơi mơi.

Tôi nói thật, đừng tổ chức đám tang.

Cái số phận như tôi thì có gì để mà nhớ đến?

Tôi không cần đâu dăm ba lời từ biệt.

Cũng chẳng cần đâu tới sự dằn vặt cõi lòng.

Cứ an yên mà sống, hạnh phúc mà sống.

Cứ nghĩ tôi ngu si hay thế nào cũng được - kệ, đừng bận tâm.

Một vòng xoáy luẩn quẩn loanh quanh không hồi kết

Tôi cố gắng làm gì khi đích đến là cái chết

Thế rồi xác thân tôi được làm từ gì hả người ơi

Linh hồn tôi tồn tại vì gì hả người ơi.

Rốt cuộc tôi là ai, tôi hỏi người.

Hay là do tôi được tạo thành bởi tội lỗi,

Thứ tội lỗi người ta gọi là "tôi"

Người khóc hay người cười thì cũng vậy mà thôi

Dù sao thì cũng vẫn cứ là muộn mất rồi

Tôi vốn chết từ tháng ngày mỏi mệt

Từ những thứ không phải thuộc người đời

Từ 20 điếu thuốc một ngày, từ những tờ A5 đầy máu

Từ hệ miễn dịch mất khả năng miễn dịch mất rồi.

Tôi có lẽ đã hỏng từ tháng ngày buông lơi

Không ai cứu không ai cần, hay là do tự tôi đẩy ra cả.

Tôi đã hỏng từ trò chơi tự tặng mình mồ mả

Tự đào hố tự chôn, tự lánh mặt loài người.

14 lần chạy trốn, hụt 14 lần rồi người ơi.

Sao người lại nghĩ tôi e dè sự chết

Thêm lần thứ 15 thì có gì mà phải mệt

Nếu như cái giá của nó xứng đáng với nỗ lực của tôi?

Tôi không muốn chờ tới sáng sớm mai.

Vì bản thân tôi chẳng còn gì mà ái ngại.

Mất người thì sao? Kiểu gì mà chả vậy,

Tôi đâu có tin ai sẵn lòng đi với tôi lâu dài.

.

.

.

Tóm lại là!

Tôi lười rồi người ơi.

Xin cho tôi nghỉ ngơi.

Lần đầu;

Cũng sẽ là lần cuối.

Tạm biệt thôi người nhé, tôi hứa;

Tôi sẽ đi thật vội.

Sẽ không để lại một dấu ấn cho người.

[cant-you-be-m1ne-forever]

I actually don't know how to feel.

It's just empty.

I don't know why they do care about me anymore.

Like I tried so hard to live until today but yet I feel like I didn't try, so it feels like nothing is enough anyway.

I feel like they're faking it.

I feel like they don't really care.

And what if they don't really care? Maybe it's because i can't differentiate it anyway, what if it's isn't real and i just imagine it out?

Just got out of an hectic time, when everything got stuck at once and I'm the one is stagnant.

About it, it's just simply maybe their love, maybe their pain, I'm just simply in disorientation almost all the time these days and flying away with unreal scenerios.

Yesterday, i had a bad paranoia.

I saw me and you, staying in a house, and there was someone returning back.

She asked for me, playing victim, trying to ruin my life as she proposed to do, and God, she looked gorgeous just like before she came into my life and accused me with the sin i never once made.

And it was ridiculous.

You denied to let her in at first, but she did the best thing she could, to gain sympathy, and i was turned into the one in the wrong.

Almost immediately.

You trusted her, but not me.

Kinda funny? It was so many more scenes, other scenes rather than that. Even you, cheating on me behind my back with her, the scene was bright like the sun, but was blurry as a hollow, enough to swallow me inside.

Like how you said it could never get wrong, you treated me nicely yet she stepped into your heart like nothing I've said to you has happened.

Maybe I'm too emotional or sensitive.

I don't actually know. Because 'til now, it's just not as important anymore.

But I just realized that it's just not it to believe in, even if it was anything, so I'm just a little bit confused.

What if I'm really emotional and sensitive? Then maybe I'll suffer like this my whole life, i don't really have a guts to try hard and stuff any way. Like I have another chance? Which is actually no, because maybe I chose it this way, i just simply deserve to be like that forever.

If I'm really that insecure, then why can't I just let you go and set you free? Or maybe I just try to convince myself that it all will be okay and that it all will possibly last, which is untrue.

Nothing is true anyway, especially when it's about feelings like love and care. Because they just only want something from me now, and i just don't want to let them down.

Maybe I should just do what I wanted.

Hm.

Better choice.

I'm still.

Living.

I guess.

Which is the most suffering part in the whole point.

They gave me my life like I wanted it.

Sometimes it isn't a time for a therapy session.

Because my brain is so overloaded.

I'm tired.

Please let me be.

I just want to die sometimes.

All the time.

Mostly many hours a day.

Because it's actually so helpless.

Knowing that there's no way out of this cage.

Even if it's out emotionally, I'd suffer physically, which I already am, because the consequences of my own head

I ruined my own life, i think.

Bare hands, bare feet, bare emotions.

Barely alive, barely in needs, barely known.

And I guess you prefer a rest.

I don't want to be anything but to be seen and finally accept. My pain, my suffer, my struggle, it's just too much to keep staying invisible, to the point that I'd rather never be known than to actually wake the cravings up.

[cant-you-be-m1ne-forever]

I just read a "there you know your answer" and i just know I knew my answer...

You would never actively fixing tea and soup for me when I'm sick.

It would be hard for you to talk calmly when I did something wrong or when your anger issues has risen to fix the relationship.

If I walked down the aisle, you wouldn't cry.

Because in my first time, maybe I ruined it myself but it made me feel like you didn't care.

Because whenever you mad you would direct it towards me, raising your voice even though I said please don't do that.

Because you would break the promise you made.

If you ever hurt me, thanks.

For teaching me another lesson.

[cant-you-be-m1ne-forever]

Yesterday, I talked about my family, and a little bit about my life.

Of course, the story of mine dragged people down, it was deep talking, so i was being truthfully honest.

People all kept quiet, and even there's a sister who is older than me - cried; she cried for the short story i told them, even if it wasn't as horrible as the other stories that I had.

It's so hard to keep my head straight sometimes.

I guess, a little game where people gonna write down questions, and it's like gambling when they're going to mix all the question up then gotta answer truthfully whatever they picked later is literally fun.

I am not even the type to, like, being scared of telling my own story.

But I was shaking whenever it's me to answer a deep question.

I was shaking, when it's me to touch the memories again, with someone else new.

Nonstop, and uncontrollable.

It was pretty funny how people couldn't tell, but I think, it's better that way, haha.

I guess it's fine.

I guess I want it that way.

I returned home late, it was 2:30AM when I stepped into my house. It took me half an hour to take my makeup down fully, and i feel quiet.

My head is quiet at that moment.

Just a few whispers and little songs, not all the screaming and groaning and moaning around.

I went to sleep, quickly after.

And now, i feel odd to think if it was right to tell my story like that.

I'm not attached with them, they call me close but I don't see them as close.

With me, they're just interactive and i can interact with them.

I feel guilty about it.

But I guess it's also fine.

It's also fine.

I miss my lover.

[cant-you-be-m1ne-forever]

Please be mine.

Be mine, be mine, be mine, from your breaths, to your strands, be mine, acknowledge that you're mine, feel it, being burnt by it, i am craving you, i need you.

Hurt me and tell me you're mine, i don't really care but i just need to hear it so badly.

I love you, please hurt me so that I can feel, make me fold, make me stop wanting to die, somehow, be mine when you're mine already.

And then we'll be in love forever, this is odd but we'll be in love forever.

I don't even know what to say, but say yes to this, say yes to me, i am yours until I can't breathe anymore, i am yours even if my life is unclear, i am yours even when it feels like I'm killing myself.

I hate you into guts but I'm eternally yours, I'm here to stay.

I need you, all of you, everything of yours, please give it to me. I am greedy, i am possessive, i know so well it won't go well but I know i love you too much just to accept it. Please be all of mine until I am suffocated, please be all of mine even if we're both can't fight myself and our lives anymore, please be all of mine, I'm begging you, please, please, please.

Please stay with me.

I don't care anymore.

I just need you.

You. Only you.

[cant-you-be-m1ne-forever]

Honestly i just want to give up right now.

My head has gone crazy for years and i can't even be left alone in quiet peace for a few minutes.

Always so loud.

Always so chaotic.

.

.

.

It always shines on my face, that I probably crossed the line, that I probably never did enough, that I probably should die anyway.

I am a full-up mess, where I have grown so many opposite thoughts to be called sides, but still me in one personality.

It's so fucking tired living this way.

When it's all aligned to few main issues, but I've grown so much traits from them.

I feel like I'm so fucking stupid, i didn't die that day just only for today begins.

Then kill me upfront.

Why do I have to fight to live if I could just end my life right away? All I have is a concious on the line. I can't keep up with my own identity anymore, i can't keep up with my own appearance anymore. Everytime the face appears in my head all I see is glitches and dark spots all over it, i don't even remember my own self.

I guess I never really faced my fear before, or probably i did, it's just that I am not well enough to do it anymore.

Maybe if you stay with me for once.

Or maybe you shouldn't, because you said you'd never move on.

I am never thankful that I'm still living.

I wish I could exchange my life for someone, anyone, i want to live another life so bad, it's so loud in here, always like a radio, always like ratios, i can't help myself but wanting to scream and breaking things.

I don't even know what this phase is.

The phases never end totally, they just keep going on and on and mix into eachother.

I hate everything I created by my own hands.

What if I finally give up, now?

[cant-you-be-m1ne-forever]

"A One-sided Conversation of Me and My Lover" (He replies through call but I was too drained out to talk)

.

.

.

I want to die.

I want to die.

I want to die.

Let me die.

Fucking shit this will never end for me right? Am I doing everything wrong?

I can't handle this anymore i swear to God, it hurts do fucking bad.

I'm so tired of my own fucking existence.

Just-

Fucking

Kill me

Already

I don't feel

Fine

Oh I forgot I'm calling

With u

Lmao

Sorry

Huh

I want to die

Js

All

Ye

I hate myself.

Why the fuck my existence is fucking pointless

I'm fucking useless am not i

I can't even process to live like a normal human fucking being

I can't even being able to keep my task done

I can't keep up with the whole world and i just feel like I'm left behind so many times that I even wish for people to please leave me behind

I

Yeah.

And I'm sorry for that.

I can't even help myself and it's pushing me to death because I'm literally in love with a person

And I am so pushed like

I wish to just-

Idk

It would be feral if you literally stop

Caring

But I'd thank for that

Because I'm suicidal lmao

I need a reason to end my whole life

Because idk if anything I'm doing is good enough

I try everything and just fall down again and i am so fucking mad

I'm fucking helpless

I hate life

Yey.

It's stupid

If anyone does then why the fuck am I the one stagnant

I lose all people around

Why?

Am I not good enough?

Idk

I feel like people lying

I can't even trust them saying good words towards me anymore like how come

I don't even know

I'm trying

My brain just

Trying to punch me haha

I lose friends all the time

I hate it

Because I don't have anything to give them except myself

And when I lose them i lose a part of me too

How what?

Idk

I feel stupid

This js reminds me of

When I got no one

It feels so safe

And unsafe at the same time haha

I mean I'm used to it

It's feral, it's terrible

But now I'm

Torturing myself with the thoughts that they probably will leave and I'm the fucking problem again

Because I

Hurt them

Or bother them

Enough

So they

Leave me

Because I deserve it

I just don't trust it

People say

If it happens so many times

Then I'm the problem.

There's just only me who doesn't even know how to maintain a fucking relationship

Like

Fuck friends.

I want friends

But I don't want friends at the same time like WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK IS THE INTENTION IF THEY AREN'T EVEN GOING TO STAY

Like why

Yea

It's so bad

I don't even have stories to tell

Ppl talk abt their lives and it's so fine and mine just ughhhh

Like

Telling them a piece of my trauma and they just fucking LEAVE ME

Why???

Like damn why the fuck appeared at first place

I do have skill issues hhhh

And they can't handle me

Yay.

I know right

No one is perfect but they're just human

Human

Human

Hhh

Why the fuck human

Why the fuck am I living with human

Idk they should kts

Yay

What the actual shit is going on in my head

I don't get it

I don't get a thing

The sounds in my head is too loud

I'm annoyed

It keeps saying that I should

Kms

Hhhh

Hhhhhh the promise.

Yes

I'm talking nonsense

Tro Bếp returned to the room

He tried to reassure me at first but when I start hitting something then he looked at me full of fear

And I was scared too i dropped that immediately and held him and asked if i was scaring him out

But he just looked at me and ran away after sneaking out

Yeah he's back but he's

Js

Hm

Idk if that's what I'm imagining

My brain is shutting down

But it's so painful

I don't know

The feelings

Are

Suffocating

And I

Don't know anymore

I don't know

If it's really fine

I hate my head

I hate myself I hate myself so much why the fuck do I even exist in the first place

If

You never met me

Then your life

Could've been better

Istg

I feel like I'm just making you stagnant

Use Gg translate hhhh

Istg I'm listening to something portray my head lmfao

Idk just part of it

Like listening to something that is

Drawing

A corner of the face

Idk

Idk

Idk

Damn

My head is starting to annoy me

Again

I feel like

I hate human being but without them around i can't handle myself

Without their finest distraction then

I'm going crazy with my head i wish I could chop it off

But it's hard when I just hate myself.

Idk

Eh

That song is literally everything in my head, it's not naturally being one of my favourite song hhhhh

Idk

I want to be a cat

Probably it'd be less hurt to think

At least there won't be someone

Going to grasp me out of nowhere and then destroy me inside out once again and i

Idk

I want to be

Human

But I hate it so much

But I want to feel "human" again

Like when I'm living

When I finally lived

But I

Hm

The head

And I guess that you must feel helpless lmao

It's fine, i can't even help myself

Lmao

Idk

Just feel so

Sometimes my feelings would just crawl in and go furious in there

And I can't differentiate my brain out of my own self

And I hate myself

So much

Idk

I wish the suicidal thoughts would shut up

Yes

I searched it up earlier so it's in the waitlist

Damn tbh ye

And ye

I

Actually

I mean I think everyone does

Crave for attention

And hmmm

Affection

And sh like that

But I look down on myself wanting that

So idk

I'm trying not to want human connection hhhhh

Ye hhhh

Literally

+1 reasons why I hate myself ✨

Because I want connections

Hhhhhhhhh

Idk how come

Aishite aishite aishite

Idk

I wish I could beg them for it idgaf

But I can't mf

It keeps stopping me like prolly if i beg for it I could receive some

But I don't let me do that and God knows why

Probably because mama and papa always said that they loved me so much already

What's the point of begging for more

If they loved me "so much" already

Ỷe

Music

On repeat

Yippe

I feel like just opening my mouth is

Uhhhhh

Kinda

Draining me

I'm just

Tired

I want to

Destroy something

I want to be

Left alone

But idk

I want to be alone

But with you

Idk if that even make senses lmao

Hhhhhh.... I

Oh hmm

Hm

Why would you know-

Hm

But

Hm

Ye

I can hear my dad snoring

Ikr

He returned to the house earlier

Hmmmmm

I guess sometimes

I js wish my parents arent home

So that I could scream it out but like eh...

Like the record

Hm?

And I'll scream?

Hhhhh

Idk i want to hold you like a hostage

Idk keeping you forever and

Idk i start to think of negative shi

Prolly impulsive sh

I mean I start to think what can I do to not letting you jump away but uh-

It's just all

Hm

I don't even want to watch TV

Why the song singing that

But I really want to

Keep you

Even if your silver is my gold but I don't care

Hhhhh i mean

Even if you pay little attention for me, it's still so precious to me

But I don't care

Há?

Wtf

It's the fourth times you say it

Ig

Idk

I js don't feel so

I literally scratched the mirror

Chú Hoàn said I could went into a therapy session with the mirror

It counts

Why

Aw. But I know myself the best

I know how terrible i can get to be because all I can do is

Uh

Repress it

That's what I can do the best

Tro Bếp looks like a cat

How can he be a cat

He is so

Beautiful being a cat

He

Not a she

Lmao he has dick it js

Cut off his balls ig

Ye

That's triệt sản (awhh okay)

But he's a very cute cat

Idk i love him so much

Hm

Idk suddenly I feel like

I can do this my whole life idk

But fr

If i lose him

I don't think another cat can replace him

He can die

And turn into

A human being

I told him

That

If he dies

He can turn back to be human and be my child

I will adopt him

Ye and I'll make him happy

Abt Som

Hmmmmm

Js a cat

Ion really care

He's kinda dumb

Should be a cat for few more lives to learn how to be smart

Hhhhh

But

What if I die before them even...

I actually attempted to kill them

So that I could kms

Bc i didnt know how to force myself to death but I was so fed with my own existence

I know

Like I should js kms not killing them either idk

My head thinks abt negative things again

What if

Idk

I'll find you a med that can delete ur memory

Som is so soft

And he's cleaning himself

After deleting your memory

This can be the last time we

Talk like this.

Nah you wouldn't even know

If you forget me

Then how could you be sad?

I'm js a page of your life

Yes, it's js-

Uhhh not really

Like just deleting it out of your brain cells

I

Uh

Hm

I'm

Thinking about my death again

Portraying it

My funeral also

No no no

Nah

That's not a promise

Why a promise

My parents will yeet u out

Your parents too

Hm but you'll need to open the coffin to do that

It's noisy and problematic

So you don't have to do it

Idk if i want you to grieve for me your whole life or js move on love someone else and live happily.

Hard to choose lmao

Because I want you to be happy

Hm

Delete ur memory?

: D

...awh

Hm

Hmm

I don't know

I love you but I don't want you to

Be sad

If i

Idk

I'll try to at least live until October as I promised

I know

We have 1 yearrrr

And

Hm

If we're still tgt until that moment then prolly a new contract would be made

Your happiness is so simple

Ig mine could be but hm

Why can't I feel it

I want to feel it

Try again

It has been so long

I'm so

Greedy

I'm so jealous of

Other ppl

Hmmm

It's fine even if you can't

I received so many things already

Hm

Then you would be even more important in my life

That would be pressurizing

I think so

Because normally ppl can't get to this extent so I'm not sure

Ppl usually gave up

I know hmmmm

You know the meaning of "never"

It's "never"

Hm

How come it became "yourself"

It's js me

The rage

Slowed down

Ig

It'll come back another day

And start annoying me again

Hmmmm

I start to miss the record i did

Me js flat out screaming hhhh

The only time I could do it

Normally

I want to do it so much

Ye

Hhhh...

It's fine but well my head starts to be blurry idk

I feel things

Unreal things

Yeah at "home"

Damn the deep cuts start to feel itchy

Thanks-? I don't even know if that place exist

I

Uh

I'll try

Hmmm

Hm

Ye living with me is a pain in the ass ngl i have issues keeping up with tasks

All I know is myself

I mean, works, and me myself and you and all the tasks? All the chores and sh

Y'know at my house I've been stop doing all the chores bc i js can't do it and i run out of home bc i kinda am scared of doing that

Hm

I don't want to

Also feel

Terrible doing it

Out of energy

And traumatized also

I know but I feel guilty

🥲 my sanitary at living place is a whole big problem

Idk that's why I said I'll try to go make money to hire ppl to do chores and sh cleaning meow meow shit and like that

Awh but if I make enough money lmao

Idk how to balance it

:') yeah it's fine

Uhhh

Hmmm

Idk it sounds tiring

Damn

It sounds kinda way too positive

What

I mean I'm going to "sống trong nhung lụa" in its most literal way

Lmao

Fabrics and shit aaaaagh

I'm not good at making money

Istg

It could be just

Luck

I have communication issues

And fashion burns money istg fuckkk

Chú Hoàn said

It can be a few more years

Then I'll be js fine

I'm kinda avant-garde

So it's even more expensive

Because you see my designs

Extras and add-ons and sh

It's not simple and..idk

And idk my skills has issues

Idk if i should follow avant-garde or haute-couture

Hm

I know but I have to count my career for now otherwise I'll die

Yes I'll be so died ngl

My neck is

Itchyyyyy

Aaaagh

I'm mad

I need to

Scratch it

😡

Hmph

Hmph

Hm

Hmph );(

Alright

Ahgkkdkgkd but awh js-

It's healing

I mean hmmmm

Som is so soft

And anh cứ đạp phải nó ý

Tại nó nằm ngay chân anh

K giường bé mà

Ngày trc đâu có đạp ph nó

Nó ngu từ bé r

Ý là về nhà đc năm ngày kẹt cmn trên cái rèm phòng khách

Kẹt trên chỗ

Treo rèm ý

K xuống đc

Nó tự leo luôn

Xong gào ầm lên, bế xuống xong lúc sau lại thấy lên r gào tiếp

Ưtf

:))) anyways he's js

Kinda dumb

But he's a cat so i forgive it

Yippe

He's literally

Still a cat

And every cats is my

Child 🫶

Tro bếp is not

He's so cute and smart and cute and everything bling bling

Hhhhhhhh

Y e

I don't even get to deny that fr

Há? Why I don't even see a reason why I js hhhhuh?

I see the mirror

But I'm

Hmmm

Idk i js realized i fr can't js accept my

Uh

Uh

Vessel

Yey

Found a word

No I mean even my soul i js find it all so annoying

And hmmmm looking in the mirror rn making me fr insist it ahhhh

I gotta throw Som onto the pillow

He

Hm

He

Tóm lại là nó

Cản đường di chuyển tự do của chân t

Bạn buồn ngủ k

Bâyh 1h r

K

Nhma

Chắc k thế

K bngu lắm

H nhắm mắt vào xong là lại series ác mộng hhh

Nhma mơ ác mộng ngủ ngon hơn

Mơ đẹp dậy nhiều vl

Sảd i wish I could js accept those pretty dreams

I mean

Đợt này ngủ ngon k mơ gì

Yippe

Nhma nay chắc có mơ

Hqua cũng mơ

Mơ gì ý nhỉ

Mơ

Đại khái là thế

Hnhu

Có m

:0

Kiểu k nhớ lắm nhưng cũng dễ chịu

:0

Okay-

Hmmmm

Are u real

Hm

You

Guess

Idk

Bc me too

Idk how's my player doing

Nah they can't js make an npc having this miserable life js for nothing lmao

Js make it to let them kts

Ye

Bastards should js kts

Hm

Som is still soft and he returned to his old place and now my feet is on him

Poor lil guy but idc lmao.

Idk i feel like js keeping silent with you is good enough

It's comfortable

Like I don't need to talk all the time

Even the silence mean smt

Hmmmm

I think I should let u sleep but

May I ask

One question

Idk if you going to stay up a lil more then can we js keep the call for a lil while and I'll try to sleep rq and you can turn it off after?

Lmao

L m a o

But that's really fine to you right?

Hmmm

So ye

Love you

See you after 2 days ig

Long time asf aaaagh

And good night ig-

I love you

Cya?

Ur parents okay then

I'll stop sharing s

[cant-you-be-m1ne-forever]

...And then I started to feel anxious.

I had thought approximately that the song i had been playing was on repeat for hours, but guess what? Hell no, it hadn't even reached til the end.

So it was just only a few minutes passed by, which I couldn't even "mind" it, and it made me wonder - was there enough a thing for me to stop this toxic routine?

Time was passing so slow nowadays. I couldn't help myself but keep thinking about a same thing, a same story, hundreds of "what ifs" ran wild in my head. I thought it must be hours wasted for that kind of actions, turned out it wasn't even there. So the worse appeared.

"What if I am stuck here forever?"

I was locked like a slave, in the cage of my head, and instead of trying to get out, I was just only trying to get fetched.

Did I wanna know?

...

...

...

I used past tense in the paragraph up there.

Well sad for me.

[cant-you-be-m1ne-forever]

I'm so out of energy.

Sorry for venting so regularly but like i am just-- tired.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Why am I hating this-

Feeling like it's so complicated, having simple problems but you can share it with no ones.

Feeling like you're too focus on small thing.

But nothing changes if you do say it out because it's just "simple thing" which you shouldn't paid an eye on it.

But you paid an eye on it so now you're suffering.

Feeling like they don't care, you're sitting waiting for them but you never dared to ask them out because you know how they will react and it'll hurt you even.

Feeling like you're trying your best not to be left behind but what you're having is just the dark swallowed your shadow.

Feeling like everything you're doing is not enough, it's a waste of time.

Feeling like you're just feeling like this all over again right when you hoped for the best, like-- when you're really changed and then suddenly you're downed.

Stopped hoping, stopped searching.

And now you're on your knees, reminiscing about the day of middle February.

Feeling like you're just doing nonsense to someone and they keep treating everyone nicely when treating you like a spare tire.

And every relationship you're having is not safe for you to share since they don't listen, they just giving their opinions which you knew but couldn't follow because everything was too overwhelming.

The worst part is, it's overwhelming when there's nothing to be overwhelmed.

Is this called mental disorders?

When you tried your best, risking your secure feelings, risking your own fucking safe zone to see the traumatizing past and fight it time over time to heal. It needed so much courage, like the dangerous trip you could have with your own self alone, but now it's back and probably nothing changed at all.

Feel like you're exaggerating it yourself but you can't help sitting alone in somewhere and literally zoned out running away from reality.

Like in your darkest time, you chose to end yourself but it was all criticality and no ones helped, no ones said sorry, they just wanted to keep you living without caring how much they hurted just to keep themselves from the feeling of guilt.

So what about you?

If you keep living, what will happen to you?

Trying to live with their expectations, because nothing will change otherwise after your suicidal attempts, they'll think that they were right keeping you alive like that and now they have all rights to keep the bad things which made you desperate.

Because you're just young and childish, you're selfish and stupid in their eyes, so they'll keep thinking that they're right and forcing you to live like them.

Or they'll fake it to change but what else when you realize it's just something they can never be and who they are will be keep like who they are forever, and that's even worse because you'll set a hope but then nothing will make that hope real.

You wish they could see what you're seeing in your life everytime but at the same time you know they won't ever be stable enough to keep trying it after one day of experience.

The one you see and treating like a priority is not seeing you as their priority. So you're just considering to keep them as one. Even though they're the only one you're setting hope for, they're the only one you're looking forward to, they're the only one, only one but maybe giving up makes everything better.

Just more painful a little bit.

You thought thing could change after it's brought to a higher places but no, that's nothing different because you're not someone they prioritize, they just don't dare to loose you because you're just someone who keeps them from the loneliness, who gives them affection and attention. They ask from you a lot but you receive a small amount, not only on physical but on mental, you can see it also. Clearly and obviously, you're just not as precious to a person as you hoped.

Even you already knew you don't have the rights to hope like that.

Just, you realized everyone look happier without you.

That's a fact since you don't know how to joke, don't know how to make a pun, don't know how to make people smile. And with the thing living in your head, who will stand it through the night?

You have nothing but yourself but you hate yourself so much to the point you can't stand your own existence.

Is it too much asking for a suitable companion?

Is it too much for not wanting to go through all of these?

Is it too much for asking for forgiveness?

Is it too much looking for love?

Just feel like no ones can accept all of yours, even if they said they do, you feel like it's a lie. The most painful thing is, no one will accept you when you're at your lowest.

You wish you could help, but it's hard when you just hate yourself.

[cant-you-be-m1ne-forever]

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Em có thấy vui không? Em có thấy bản thân mình xứng đáng chứ? Hay em thấy điều gì?

Hay đấy.

Nếu tôi không tìm em, có lẽ em cũng sẽ chẳng tìm tới tôi.

Thật sự muốn thử nghiệm xem tôi biến mất bao lâu thì em bắt đầu kiếm tìm tôi mà.

Tôi chỉ là gì?

Sự thay thế hoàn chỉnh em mong muốn cho những quãng thời gian nhàm chán?

Tôi đâu thể nhận lại những gì tôi muốn từ em.

Tôi chán nản chứ.

Dù nói thẳng ra là tôi vẫn sẵn sàng sửa lỗi em sai, nhưng em à, tôi nghĩ có lẽ tình tôi sẽ cạn khô khi em vừa đạt đủ tiêu chuẩn mất.

Làm sao mà tôi lại để lịch sử lặp lại được nhỉ.

Cứ vậy đâm đầu vào mấy kẻ không thể nào yêu thương được mình theo cách mình muốn nhận.

Dòng tin nhắn nhạt nhoà...

Tôi ngồi khóc bên kia màn hình còn em ngồi chơi điện thoại...

Em chẳng thể nhận ra được tôi đã thay đổi cảm xúc như thế nào qua tông giọng, hay em cũng không để ý thêm vết cắt mới trên tay của tôi.

Tôi không thấy bản thân mình đủ.

Em thì luôn khiến tôi cảm thấy như thể bản thân mình đang đòi hỏi quá nhiều, vì chỉ khi nào tôi yêu cầu em mới xuất hiện.

Nực cười thật đấy.

Em còn chẳng muốn đọc thơ tôi viết cho em.

Em bảo em lười.

Thư của tôi, nếu tôi không ngồi ngay đó chắc em cũng không muốn để vào trong đầu, có phải không?

Tôi tự hỏi liệu em có xứng đáng với tất cả những công sức tôi bỏ ra này.

Tôi tự hỏi liệu có bao giờ em có thể yêu được tôi như cách em từng yêu "cô ấy".

Đồ vật của em được em đặt tràn ngập tên "cô ấy"; chúng ở khắp mọi nơi.

Hay đấy.

Chuyện hài là tôi lại ghen với cái đó.

Nhưng nghe cách em nói về việc "cô ấy" - có lẽ là đã từng - quan trọng trong đời em như thế nào, tôi chỉ thấy bản thân mình sẽ không bao giờ bằng nổi.

Không thể so sánh nổi - theo hướng thua kém hơn - với người con gái ấy.

Tôi không biết nên tin vào lời nói đường mật của em hay không.

Vì nói hay thì cái gì mà chả thốt ra được.

Quan trọng là hành động.

Và tôi không biết nên cảm thấy như thế nào.

Tôi chỉ thấy thật tệ mà thôi.

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Ước gì tôi chưa từng là kẻ may mắn...

[cant-you-be-m1ne-forever]

Hm...

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There's so many things i could say, but i'll just let you live.

Like if you hold me again, you're still the first who could get to that close and not hurting me that much.

Because it'd be pointless if you don't read it, or you take it for granted. Things aren't going well and I don't know what to do anymore, I love you but why things got to be so hard? I don't even understand what's going on, I can't even acknowledge it, it doesn't feel right.

But I love you so much. And i'm so dumb.

I'm so stupid.

Shouldn't be like it.

So good at givin' me nothing.

When you close your eyes, do you picture me? When you fantasize, am I your fantasy? Mostly not, I can't be, I'm not your type, nothing alike, and I am even problematic, I'm hard to deal with.

And the worst shit is, I don't even know why I could treat myself so badly, I already knew it but why i crossed the line? I fucking crossed the line... Not like I regret it though, I just hate myself more, I can't even help. Everything I do to you are fucking useless, if I can't receive it why am I keep giving in?

Why am I keep falling in...

I-

I am stupid.

So stupid.

EVERYTHING I DO TO YOU IS FUCKING POINTLESS.

I can't blame you though.

I can't.

I knew it from the start, why am I falling in over again?

Why am I being so brutal to myself.

I can't blame you. It's not your fault. You can't give me back what I wanted.

You could've been the greatest to me, but it'd be meaningless if you yourself don't really want it to the point that it could be a motivation for you to do it.

I don't even know how long i'll hold up to you, I don't know, I can't know, is it because I wanted too much from you?

Yes, typically I guess it's my fault.

Just only because of a pinch of happiness, I risk it again.

It's not like you're toxic to me.

This is ridiculous. I fucking ridiculed myself.

I loved you, and I still do.

I'm drained out, I don't want to learn another lesson anymore.

I don't want to lose anyone anymore.

I don't want to lose myself anymore.

You said your heart was jaded, you needed healing.

And I'm so willing to help you heal EVEN IF YOU WILL LOVE SOMEBODY ELSE AND ALL OF MY LOVE, ALL OF MY PATIENCE, ALL OF MY APPRECIATION, ALL OF MY CONGRATULATIONS GO TO WASTED.

This is so painful.

This is so stupid.

This is so hilarious.

I don't even know what I am doing anymore.

I don't want to know anymore.

The deal.

Please, leave me.

Or just kill me.

Or just- kill me.

It could be a better choice.

Are you finding a glimpse of her and you when you're passing time with me? I know I'm not the one, just tell me what I should have known.

Anything at all.

Worse than anyone.

Man, am I the greatest?

Everything I offered.

So that you could just-

Take it for granted.

I made it all look painless.

How can it be described through over a letter or a text?

Or you wouldn't even mind to read it.

Until I told you so.

But I don't blame you though, yet still-

If.

You.

Don't read.

The letter I sent.

I'll switch my statement and end our happy time together right there, right then, no hesitant.

You don't even know...

How beautiful you still are in my eyes.

You don't even know, how hesitate I was to touch your hand during your sleep, while you were hugging him this morning.