cheesymcbriz

[cheesymcbriz]

i close my eyes and picture

holding a blade between my fingers

dragging the edge along

my wrists

my arms

my neck

my ribs

my legs

covering my body

in scars and blood

transferring torture

from mental to physical

before opening my eyes

and moving on

[cheesymcbriz]

there are so many basic things that i am struggling to even start.

people tell me im smart, but a smart person wouldn't struggle to take care of themselves, to brush their teeth, to shower, to eat.

people tell me i'm kind, but would a kind person look at themself with this much cruelty? how could i be kind if i can't even be kind to the mirror?

am i only as good as i am when im alone? when im staring at the monster in my mirror, tearing them apart over and over as disgust claws out my heart, is that as good as i will ever be?

[cheesymcbriz]

Someone who openly celebrated sexual abuse of children has been arrested for sexual abuse of children.

[cheesymcbriz]

i don't want to eat

the flesh on my plate

lathered with slime

and seasoned in grit

i don't want to eat

the mush on the side

vegetables made spongy

and squishy and wet

"honey, please eat something"

mother begs across the table

"your father worked so hard

to make this lovely feast"

but mother, i'm not hungry

though my stomach may protest

i can just eat something later

something cold and made of guilt

[cheesymcbriz]

* (Oh, these parentheses I keep opening?

* (I'm collecting them.

* (Right now, I'm 1,762 parentheses deep.

* (Oh, my precious parentheses... (I don't ever want to close them!

[cheesymcbriz]

absolutely. maybe i'm too kind for my own good, but i genuinely cannot wrap my head around the idea of being so intentionally cruel without any remorse.

How can neurotypicals be so not empathetic/annoying sometimes???

I genuinely do not grasp the concept of doing something to annoy someone. Specially something that is very clear to bother the "target".

They don't know I'm autistic, but it still should not matter

[cheesymcbriz]

[cheesymcbriz]

Athena, narrating: This is Penelope. Penelope loves her personal space. Athena: And this is Odysseus. Odysseus also loves Penelope's personal space. *smash cut to Odysseus wrapped around Penelope's body like a baby koala*

[cheesymcbriz]

I think I'm experiencing my first heartbreak and it fucking sucks.

We'll still be friends, and we haven't even officially broken up yet (I don't think so at least, thanks autism) but I still feel so pathetic.

I've known my whole life that I didn't want to bother with relationships until I'm out of school or at least until college, yet I keep getting sucked into them and this is the first one that really hurt.

[cheesymcbriz]

I know it's because I didn't get good sleep and I'm on my period, but if I have to do literally anything today I'm gonna kms

[cheesymcbriz]

suicidal but not suicidal yk?

[cheesymcbriz]

[cheesymcbriz]

ARFID has to be the absolute silliest eating disorder. What do you mean I'm practically starving right now even though there's tons of food options? WHAT DO YOU MEAN I can't eat and there's NO REASON FOR IT WHAT DO YOU MEAN I HAVEN'T HAD A FULL MEAL IN DAYS FOR NO ACTUAL TANGIBLE REASON??? HELLOOO?????

[cheesymcbriz]

[cheesymcbriz]

“oh I’m too old for stuffed animals” skill issue. sorry you can’t appreciate little creatures made to hang out with you, I on the other hand am full of joyous whimsy and therefore vastly superior.

[cheesymcbriz]

Lego Batman: the Videogame (2008) is a great game because it is one of the only games i can think of meant for 10 year olds where not only is it possible to shoot and kill police officers, but the game actively encourages you to do so.

[cheesymcbriz]

The way most autism literature describes "literal interpretation" is often not at all similar to how I experience it. Teenage me even thought I couldn't be autistic because I've always been able to learn metaphors easily.

In fact, I love wordplay of all kinds. Teenage me was fascinated to learn all the types of figurative language there are in poetry and literature.

But paperwork and questionnaires are hard, because there's so much they don't state clearly. Or they don't leave room for enough nuance.

"List all the jobs you've had, with start and end dates." What if I don't remember the exact day or month? Is the year enough?

"Have you been suffering from blurred vision?" Well, if I take off my glasses the whole world is blurred, but I'm fairly sure that's not what the intake form at the optometrist is asking.

Or the infamous (and infuriatingly stereotypical) "Would you rather go to a library or a party?" What sort of party? Where? Who's there? I work at a library. Am I currently at the library for work or pleasure? Does it have a good collection?

It's not common figures of speech that confound me. It's ambiguity, in situations that aren't supposed to be ambiguous.