choosingjoyblog-blog

[choosingjoyblog-blog]

I have decided to embark on writing my truth in more candid and purposeful ways. And while I may share some of my original poetry/prose/music through this IG account, most of it will be under my new IG for this voice of mine. If you are so inclined to follow and show love, I would be most grateful. 🎶 Speaking your truth is a lesson in vulnerability and bravery, especially for those who have learned the lessons of "hush" and stay silent. Shame breeds in the darkness. Your soul is unable to grow without the light of truth. I am a seed, breaking out of that which once held me captive.... 🎶 Follow @prose.garden #speakyourtruth #prosegarden #vulnerability #poetsofinstagram #originalpoetry #wordsoflife #poem #recovery #therapy #poetryoflife #iamaseed

[choosingjoyblog-blog]

And if you can't swim...be like Hope and float 💙 #everythingisgoingtobeok #mermaid #hope #youarenotalone #swimwithme #recovery #sobriety #lupussucks #warrior #surrender #odaat #13months #speakyourtruth #support #writersofinstagram #floating

[choosingjoyblog-blog]

My wildly unique miracle baby turns 14 today. Never have I seen a being so absolutely sure of who they are. From birth she has owned her self in bold and inspiring ways. Creating art in the everyday. Making magic in the mundane. I am in awe of this incredible being that I birthed. ♫ Despite having a difficult beginning to life (technically stillborn as her heartbeat had been lost for half an hour during labor due to cord disfunction and placental deficiency. ie * abnormally small placenta riddled with clots, cord detached which resulted in no amniotic fluid and pinched off oxygen/blood supply.* And yet with a fear that gripped the heavens and a silent terrified prayer, she was thrust back into this world with a tiny but mighty scream. All 4 pounds, 18 inches of her. It was the most beautiful music a mother can hear. Life where there had been none. Hope when all looked hopeless. I don't know why I got to keep my baby when so many mommas birth stories end with tragedy. I don't pretend to understand....but I will never EVER take her life for granted. Danielle Joy, it is a privilege to be your momma. It is an honor to watch you grow. I am as enamored by you now as I was when you were born. 💙 Happy birthday, baby girl. 💙 #birthdaygirl #miraclebaby #grateful #blessed #daughter #fourteenyears

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17 years... Of love Of hate Of joy Of pain Of expectation Of disappointment Of life Of loss. Music we've made Our lives intertwined Bullets we've fired Tears we have cried Babies we've held Loved ones we've released This battle still rages Still searching for peace "One and only" you say Do I surrender to hope? Trusting in words Swinging at the end of this rope It's insanity, impossible Stupidity, mad. I'll jump off of this bridge With your hand in my hand. - with love, KristinJoy ♩ #orchid #livingbouquet #anniversary #seventeen #shmily #loveisaverb #chooselove #separation #lifeisnotlinear #sowhyshouldlovebe #partner #mydannyboy

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Bird's flying high You know how I feel Moon in the sky You know how I feel..... ♩ #newdawn #newday #newlife ♩ #saturdayfeels #lakeleelanau #fullmoon #thesunisout #celestialbodyart #beauty (at Lake Leelanau)

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Felicia, the rapidly growing, 5" diameter, almost 2 pound, 17 weeks pregnant equivalent fibroid tumor is quickly wearing out her welcome so doc has decided to schedule me for an off day in just over 2 weeks to remove this pain in my uterus....and my uterus.....and all the other acutrement. Plus sides.....i get to have the robot assisted laparoscopic surgery still!! (Geek!! The robots name is DaVinci. Swoon) And I won't have to deal with Aunt Flo and all the bratty cousins that come with her when you have chronic illnesses and a uterus. 🤔😲🤓 #byefelicia #tumorbaby #deliverydate #autoimmunediaries #evictionnotice #tah #hysterectomy #springingout #seewhatididthere #makinglemonaide #robotsurgeryforthewin #fibroidtumor

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Bullet - KristinJoy ♩ She sucks air in like She was taking a big drag off a Pall Mall cigarette And holds the oxygen in her lungs for too long So she can taste the burning of yesterday Too long Since her lungs were filled with Smoke and mirrors Angry tears Cascade Waterfalls and timid brooks Upon her cheeks as she exhales loudly Like an alarm for attention Like a LOOKATMEYOUDUMBFUCKER!!!! sigh He lives too far inside himself and those Walls he built are soundproof Waterproof Her proof And so they sit like foreigners in a refugee camp Haunted by the past Hunted by the present Prove to her you aren't You! Aren't the poison in her veins  The stains of memories beneath her skin sigh She sucks air in like she was taking a hit From a bullet train. ♩ #originalpoetry #poetryoflife #poetrycommunity #prose #grief #strangers #poetsofinstagram #wordporn #writeyourstory #therapy #bulletwithbutterflywings #wordart #fridayfeels #sigh #spokenwordpoetry #unspokenwords #notanonymous #vulnerability #women

[choosingjoyblog-blog]

Yesterday I had a CT to determine how much damage "Felicia" the fibroid tumor baby is doing to my body. As part of the process, I had to drink two of these delicious raspberry fruit2O cocktails with contrast and also have the IV contrast added at scan time. All was good until an hour later when my entire system started flaring up. Pericarditis pain, pleurisy and lung soreness, kidney pain, full body muscle soreness to the point of little mobility, headache, and 99.8 fever. Damn. So call into the doc today. It's frustrating when something so simple can knock my body out so quickly. To help take care of me I am employing the following self care techniques: 1) Screaming at the sky. (Momentary loss of sanity observed) 2) pushing fluids and anti-inflamitory, kidney loving teas 3) yogaaaaaa 4) hot showers 5) binaural beats music to help calm me the eff down 6) magnesium citrate for muscle relaxing 7) rest, rest, rest. (Though now much sleep, sleep, sleep) Any suggestions from other spoonies? Anyone else experience this or have some kick ass self care ideas I can add to my repertoire? #spoonie #autoimmunedisorder #ctscan #contrastallergy #help #lupussucks #selfcare #flareup #fibroidtumor #byefelicia #sle #kidneypain #pleurisy #pericarditis #neuro #takecareofyourself #yoga #herbaltea

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Communion. - KristinJoy 🎶 He killed her again. Her beloved Judas crucifies with ease Plummeted that same golden dagger Into that same softened piece of flesh where that beating thing used to be Scar tissue red and white and blue fingertips caressing her temples her breast Working nails into skin To hold the dying within That maybe if she can reach deep enough She can pull back at the pain and the screams running circles around her brain will Dissipate If her eyes press midnight She can go to her sweet away And suck time and and Segregate Make the fractures of her self Rain glass upon the shelves Upon his shoulders Into his skin Sliver within So he will feel the ripping he caused With his words betraying her trust With a kiss Bleeding holy circles upon her hips and her lips and her cheeks Do this in remembrance of 16. Baby Do this in remembrance of me. 🎶 #poetryoflife #poetsofinstagram #prose #communion #heartbreak #loveliesbleeding #speakyourtruth #recovery #cptsd #judas #mourningsong #grief #wordporn

[choosingjoyblog-blog]

Chewing on this nugget of beauty today. 🎶 #hurtpeoplehurtpeople #loveyourself #choosejoy #youareenough #recovery #dontsettle #lettinggo #empowerment #warrior

[choosingjoyblog-blog]

This girl is on fire. 🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥 #overcomer #mondayfeels #cantstopwontstop #selfportrait #powerofpositivity #suckitlupus #whoruntheworld #girlpower #loveyourself

[choosingjoyblog-blog]

#Instagram meet #Gill 🐟 #betasofinstagram #fishadoption #sundayfunday #herefishyfishyfishy

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I found out a few days ago that due to complications from a larger than normal fibroid tumor (nearing 5" diameter) & my autoimmune issues, I will be needing a complete hysterectomy as soon as possible. And while I have known for a while that my child bearing years were over, I have to admit that my reaction was surprising & profound. Even with 5 high risk pregnancies & a metric ton of medical issues which left me on bed rest, hospitalized, & under constant medical watch, I loved, relished, adored every moment of being pregnant with my babies. I smiled like an idiot every time I felt them move. I sang songs to them, imagined names & lives & personalities for them. I took such incredibly good care of myself while pregnant that it has become the benchmark for my self care in recovery. I ate, breathed, & dreamed motherhood like it was my greatest purpose on this planet & the overwhelming, instantaneous, head over heels love I felt for my babies is unlike any other I've known. And now that chapter is swiftly approaching. A finality not of choice, but of medical necessity. I am angry that this body attacks me with such vengeance. I am worried that the likelihood that this type of tumor is cancerous is considerably higher given my fragile medical state & family history. I am stressed about the hospital stay away from my beautiful daughters & the weeks of recovery afterwards. I don't do unwell well. I worry about taking narcotics for pain. I covet sobriety & am struggling with the balance between necessity & abuse. Between need & want... I am also bracing myself for the likelihood of complications & a flare up due to stress & surgery. My body already feels like it's on shaky ground. And I can take pristine care of myself (& I do, thanks to my babies) but it still finds a way to betray me at every turn. I am mourning the loss of possibility. The loss of "maybe" & "what if". The rush of panic & excitement when a pregnancy test shows 2 pink lines instead of one. The miraculous secret housed within. I am 37. My last baby was born when I was 26. It's been nearly 12 years since I've peered at 2 pink lines & yet.....magic used to happen. Nevermore. #theend #mourning #tah

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I NEED TO GET OUT. To not be of me For twelve moments be free Of your damn misery Mr nice guy for her For the hundreds of hers While I collect pain And the emptiness burns Take all your concerns For those typical whores And leave me alone To commune with the floors With my head in the clouds And stardust in my hair You don't get to hold Any of what I hold as dear. (And I hope that you drown in remembrance of me) 🎶-KristinJoy #rip #tilldeath #grief #stupidgirl #poetry #prose #writeyourstory #miserylovescompany #original #lessonlearned #thursdayfeels #recoveringfromlife

[choosingjoyblog-blog]

I am not your ghost I am not your ghost I am not wandering Groping For flesh and bone Or to be known I am my own My. own. 🎶 KristinJoy #disappearingact #myghost #prose #poetryoflife #writingmywrongs #recovery #mystory #iamenough #fierce #word #spokenword #song

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Wasn't this the year of the Phoenix? The majestic fiery rise from the ashes of my destruction Fierce and strong A flaming arrow aimed at the skies.... 🔥 No, child, this is your moment to sit in those ashes. Marinating in all that has been undone in you. Opened and raw The fragile seed of a future oak tree. 🌱 #prose #poetryoflife #bestill #notyet #iamaseed #recoveringfromlife #trust #gottahavefaith #mystory

[choosingjoyblog-blog]

Photo collage of our adventure time in GR. Step one: buy new car (3 weeks ago) Step two: enjoy car having full engine and transmission failure 3 hours from home on your way back from gymnastics meet. Step three: get car towed by Auto Hook towing and the sweetest man in Sand Lake all the way back to Grand Rapids Fox Motors. Step four: impromptu overnight at Best Western on 28th st. Step five: live it up with quirky hallway signs and magical unicorn hot cocoa for breakfast. Step five: ? #thefordsagacontinues #brokedown #butlivinitup #strandedingrandrapids #edbenture #mondayfeels #untilfurthernotice #magicalcompany