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You said you saw me

You said you knew me

But all I see is how I’m a stranger to your eyes

For you do not know how to love me right

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Oh, to be held by your arms one more time

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The way your hands move across the board

The way you observe the detail of the movements

The way your mind races as it searches for the solution

My mind becomes flooded with the image of you

And your nervousness becomes mine at sight

I wonder how much time I can invest studying you

When I suddenly realize I will never stop doing so

And in unison I can hear my heart singing how I will never stop loving doing so

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You were in my dreams last night

And, oh, how beautiful did you look.

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There’s a universe where we burn our past. Out there, there’s a place where we decide, together, to burn everything that hurt you and that hurt me; everything we did that wronged us and each other. Where we ask for our forgiveness, so we start over, moving forward with the love that prevailed and setting behind our proud nature. Where I decide to forget the resentment that your name holds and I receive it as new. A universe where I ask what your favorite color is, even if I already know why orange is your favorite. Where I ask when’s your birthday, even if it lives engraved in my memory. Where I ask about your story, even if I was part of it already.

Somewhere where we forgive and burry, for it to help us grow and continue, embracing new words and new promises, new ideas and new experiences, with the soul that I already know.

And sometimes I wish for that universe to be this one; I wish for it to be this reality, right here, right where we stand. But I guess I’ll never really know. I’m in no place to reach out, so I keep wishing that you do.

A love letter to you,

if you ever come across my thoughts

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Did your heart break the same way mine just did?

Is this how you felt when I told you there was someone else?

When we both decided not to speak about our feelings?

When we both lied to ourselves about not having feelings for each other?

I wanted to kiss you, you know that

You wanted to kiss me, don’t lie back

But we never did, not again, not one last time, not at the end

And I still think about that

I wonder if you do too

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It's so weird when a friendship ends. I mean I saw it coming. I knew it was due. I knew in my heart it won't last. Of course it hurt when it ended no matter how much I thought I was prepared for it, it still came as a shock to me.

And even after all this time, I still miss her. There's a hole in my heart where she lived. Everything else has faded. My hurt, my anger, everything. All that remains is a faded memory of that pain she caused.

And you know what that's not even the point. It's the fact that she was my best friend and that despite having new friends, I still long to be around her. I still want to tell her all the happy news first. I still long to just randomly videocall her and catch up with her. It still stings when someone mentions her name and they mention something abut her and I have absolutely no idea what they are talking about because we are that distant now.

I hate her and I blame her for the end of our friendship. I hate how she gave up so easily. I hate how she just stopped caring. I despise her. Loathe her.

But I miss her. And it's so confusing and infuriating to have such complex feelings towards someone who is not even here.

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I wish I could go back to that summer

When you and I were one

When I was oblivious; blindfolded

Yet happiness never tasted so good

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ending a long term friendship feels like: i miss you. you were so mean to me. are you okay? i feel like hating you forever. you understood all my best jokes. i'm blocking you. make awkward eye contact with me in the hallway. i cry when i look at pictures we took together. do you miss me too? what should i do with all this stuff i know about you? where do i put the stories when they aren't ours to tell anymore?

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You made me promise to stay

And I did, I did everything I could

But at the end of the day, it was you who stabbed me

And it was you who left me to bleed

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I don’t wish you any harm

I just wish you to experience everything you made me go through

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And what happens when all I’m left to do is to grief someone who is still very much alive?

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I always hear about broken hearts and trauma from romantic relationships

But I barely hear how friends can completely destroy you as well

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Things change

People come and go

I’m just never prepared for that

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And I keep on doing the same mistakes

Giving everything

And receiving nothing

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What you did to me, 3 years ago

Still haunts me to this day