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[comfychairthoughts]

Growing like a weed

Let’s talk about change. I hate it and I love it. Trying new things is my least favourite thing, but I get so bored of my regular routine. The potential for failure scares me away from attempting unfamiliar activities or developing new skills, but I also feel the constant drive to improve. Do you relate? Maybe, maybe not. Here’s my example. I’m a fitness instructor and I started this year planning to teach my comfortable format of fitness and nothing else. However, my boss had other plans. She pushed me to choose a new fitness format and teach it. I was terrified. What if I was bad at it? Why couldn’t I stick to my familiar format, the one I’ve been perfecting for years? Despite my stubbornness, my boss saw the potential and saw the drive in me. She knew I could do more. I tentatively agreed to try a spin class, but nothing else. I started learning what a spin class looks like, how to teach it, and what I liked about it. I also started attending the other fitness instructors classes to support them. They taught all kinds of different things, like HIIT, circuit, or stretch. As my fitness level slowly improved through the classes I was teaching, the spark my boss started in me started to blaze up. I wanted to do more. When we moved into our next round of classes, we had to move online for a few weeks because of the pandemic. I couldn’t teach my usual formats online, so I had to try something new. I volunteered to teach not one, not two, but three new formats. I didn’t even think about it. I took on stretch, circuit, and strength training. I learned how to teach them, planned my classes, and jumped in without fear. Online circuit wasn’t my favourite and stretch was not my thing either, but I fell in love with strength training. When we went back in person, I switched back to my regular format and spin, but I kept strength training. As I kept teaching the class, I noticed the changes in my body. I was developing these toned muscles that I never expected to see! My usual fitness regime is all cardio, so I was surprised and excited. It wasn’t long before I found myself at the gym trying out functional strength training to keep building muscle. I saw improvements immediately. I barely even recognize my upper body now! I’ve always had strong legs, but seeing those biceps and back muscles develop has been amazing. Even more than the physical changes, working out as much as I do now has significantly improved my mental health and sleep, and stoked my passion for fitness. Now I want to try everything, become certified in different formats, and tell everyone why group fitness rocks. I’ve developed a level of confidence I never could have imagined when I started my fitness classes at the beginning of the year. I know trying new things and adapting to change is a good thing, but I am always surprised by how it can rewrite me into a much better person.

[comfychairthoughts]

Behold, a voice!

Once upon a time,

I let someone else decide. 

Fear reared it’s ugly head,

And my friend Failure

Became my enemy. 

I wish I could’ve seen it,

My voice,

Slipping away. 

I offered myself

Up to the judges,

And let them keep define me. 

Who should I be?

What can I say?

How will I be loved?

The voice that answered,

Was not the One I know. 

It was a darker voice

Who told me I was not enough.

Someone else knew better,

So I left them in charge. 

I checked out of my mind

and lugged my baggage out the door,

Pretending I was free. 

I journeyed to find

who I was,

And every time I thought I found her,

I watched her

Be snatched away. 

Not enough. 

Not enough. 

Try again. 

Failure punched me in the face,

And I let her. 

I did not learn

That she was teaching me

How to fight back,

I just kept falling down. 

A dark cloud encased my mind,

And I could not find the door

To open it,

For the One who knocked. 

But there, emerging,

A golden treasure I thought I’d never see. 

My voice!

Given back to me. 

Wrenched from the hands of fear,

Thrust into my ready throat,

Guided by the One. 

Failure was given a new name,

My mistakes transformed

To transform me. 

I was no longer in control

And no longer afraid

Of losing it. 

There, like dawn breaking,

A Voice!

Speaking Truth and goodness,

You Are Enough and

You Do Not Have To Strive. 

I can be,

And it was good. 

[comfychairthoughts]

Novembers

“You say I was your first love. You say you don’t recognize me now, and you’re afraid the person you loved didn’t even exist. The truth is, she didn’t. She was this delicate, fabricated image that I thought you would like. The person you met in those letters was being held together with perfectionism and fear. I could write her exactly how I needed to; expose only what I wanted to. You never, ever saw me on my bad days. There was all that space between us, and every conversation was an interview for a job couldn’t afford to lose. My life fell apart in November, and you were all I had left by the summer. When we became more-than-friends, I was a splinter of a person. All my vulnerable parts were spilling out and I was doing everything I could to shove them back inside. I just needed someone to love me! You were there. And I’m sorry that I turned to you so heavily. I was so alone. You never asked for too much and with you, I could be someone who was put together. You were too far away to see all the cracks, and that’s the only reason it worked. I was trying to find who I was, while pretending I’d already figured it out. My whole life felt like nonsense, and you are a no-nonsense kind of guy. I thought I needed an anchor, I thought it would fix me. I thought if I pretended to be whole for you, I really would be. If you had ever really known me, you would’ve known I was falling apart. Especially when we were finally up close. From the minute we saw each other I wasn’t okay. I wasn’t eating! I was sleeping at all the wrong times and losing myself to quick fixes! Are you telling me you never noticed? I couldn’t be that mess around you, but it still showed. I had to be strong, I had to be perfect, I had to be the same. I tried, remember? I tried to show you the real me when you were finally close enough to see it, but you didn’t like her. You asked why I changed. You seemed disgusted by the person I wanted to show you. We were together at a time when I desperately needed to change. I had to drop the facades and masks, so I could find myself. I didn’t need an anchor; you were weighing me down. I didn’t need to be fixed, I needed to be okay with being broken. I was testing the waters of change, of growth, of discovery, and you were making it impossible. I knew you wouldn’t like who I truly was, who I would end up being. Of course, I’d like to be as lovely and put together and perfect as the girl I pretended to be, but I want to be genuinely so. And no one can be genuinely perfect. I am all the better with my freedom, but you are STILL in my head. When you look at me like that, it’s like the oxygen is sucked out of the air. Yes, I look like a mess. I’ve always been a mess, that’s the beauty of me. I’m a thousand broken pieces being repurposed for something greater, but I can’t be rebuilt into art unless I let go of all my pretending. I wanted to be loved, so I turned myself into someone you would love. But when it came down to it, you didn’t love me. You loved an idea. A brilliant idea that I came up with, and for once, I was a decent actress. And when I decided to let you in behind the curtain, you recoiled. You liked me better with a script, back when I was a pretty puppet with fear up my ass. Maybe I fell completely apart after we said goodbye. I said a lot of goodbyes then. I guess that’s the nature of Novembers. I came out the other side completely different, but what’s the harm in that? Great things change all the time. You’re not even the first one to make me feel like that. I should’ve learned to trust my gut the first time. I never told you, but I was literally sick with anxiety the whole time we were together. The minute I walked away, I felt cured. I never wanted to hurt you. Maybe I am the villain in this story, and maybe you have every right to look at me like I broke something great. But please, understand. You were letting me kill myself. All I did was end the girl you thought you knew, so someone better could emerge. If you’d like to get to know her, you’re welcome to.”

[comfychairthoughts]

Kinda Weird

If you told me a year ago that I’d spend 4 hours watching my boyfriend play video games on Discord, I would laugh in your face. 

Love is weird.

[comfychairthoughts]

Reasons

You know, I actually have a personal blog. I post about my life on there, but I can’t always be my true chaotic self. Why? Because people from my church read it. It’s connected to my Facebook, so my relatives read it. Old peers from high school read it. It’s wide audience, and most of them wouldn’t appreciate the actual shit that rolls through my mind on a daily basis. I got Tumblr and made this anonymous account so that I could get some thoughts out of my head without any stress about who might read it. I have Twitter for a similar reason, although that one is connected to my blog and personal accounts. But, no one uses Twitter. Approximately 10 people view my tweets and no one follows me, so I feel very free to post short quips about what I really think. When I need to rant, I come here. I can’t stand to keep thoughts in my head sometimes, but who knows if other people will relate or if I’ll be told to get mental help? I have no idea. It might be "uncool” to be on Tumblr now, but what else am I supposed to do? Keep my thoughts to myself? I’m tired of doing that. Anyways, that’s all for now. I’m going to get back to my Dulce de Leche ice cream and stressing about the 7 am spin class I have to teach tomorrow. 

Thanks for listening. 

[comfychairthoughts]

Trees are a vision of God’s character.

An image of the story of life.

Trees become the paper we bare our souls on, the pages we learn from.

Trees breathe out life to the world.

Shelter and shade.

Trees whisper to us a thousand lessons.

A million stories.

If we could sit in a tree for eternity, we would be wiser.

Trees are the eternal, growing beside us. The fantastic made physical.

In a single tree, we see Adonai.

Elohim.

I am being made more.

[comfychairthoughts]

Since my first wholesome post about being in love, several things have happened that I think the world should know about.

My first kiss was upside down. We were both thinking “Spider-Man kiss” at the same time, and then we did it. Awesome.

The day after my first kiss, we made out on a bench. He accidentally gave me a hickey, which is a problem because I work at a Day Camp for kids.

It’s been 6 days. We’re in love.

[comfychairthoughts]

This is Awesome

It’s true what they say in romance media. You fall in love when you least expect it. Months ago, after getting out of a long, painful, long distance relationship that caused me to lose myself, and after an awkward rebound crush that ended up hurting someone more than it needed to, I made a proposition to God.

“God, I don’t want to date. It’s painful, I don’t know who I am, and I keep failing to find someone right for me. I’m not going to have any feelings or get into anymore relationships. EXCEPT if somehow, a guy shows up and totally changes my mind. He’d have to check everything on my list. He’d have to make me feel like I’m in a romance movie. Then maybe, I’ll consider it.” 

I presented my conditions to God, laughing because where on Earth would such a guy come from? While I’m stuck at home, finishing online school at the tail end of a pandemic? Impossible. I wasn’t worried about my mind or my heart being changed. 

Low and behold, this guy shows up who changes my mind. At first I think, he’s nice and funny and it seems like we’ll be good friends. But then, I start to talk to him one on one. His personality is instantly attractive. I begin to miss him as soon as he’s not around. I become obsessed with his music taste. I enjoy flirty banter with him on the group chat. The more time we spend together, the more attractive he becomes. Just like that, I’m not so sure that I’m against the idea of dating anymore. Even though I’m moving back to school at the end of the summer, I’m even willing to try long distance for this boy, something I vowed I would never do again. Again, he changed my mind. 

After ever conversation we have, I’m baffled by how similar we are. He gets me like no other guy has ever gotten me, like no other PERSON has ever gotten me, at least in such a short amount of time. Then, with those three little words, my world changes. After knowing each other for about two weeks, we’re talking about how we can make long distance work in the next 3-4 years, about how impossible it seems that we’re so perfect for each other, and cuddling closer than I’ve ever experienced. We spend hours curled up together. Neither of us can stop saying,

“This is so awesome.”

Cause it is awesome. God heard my joking preposition and ran with it. Challenge accepted, now see how fast you’ll fall in love. Why hesitate? When something is so clearly perfect, then it should be enjoyed. 

I don’t care if it ends up hurting. I don’t care if it ends. I don’t care if it’s hard. It’s worth it to be with him, to fall in love, to feel close to someone who is so amazing. Best case scenario, this is the beginning to my great and final love story. 

[comfychairthoughts]

Now that I’ve received my second vaccine, it’s time to get back to only seeing a small amount of people, hardly leaving my house, and spending most of my time online.

Yay for post-pandemic life!

[comfychairthoughts]

Never have I seen something so relatable.

[comfychairthoughts]

Today I read My Dark Vanessa by Kate Elizabeth Russell in one sitting. It’s intoxicating. I was so intensely brought into Vanessa’s perspective that at times I had to be shocked back into the reality of what was happening to her.

From the very beginning, I felt this book pulling me through the twisted landscape of Vanessa’s mind. She’s called complex throughout the book, and the writing reflects that perfectly. I was completely baffled by how the book began, exposing the brutal reality of Vanessa’s memories, then drawing me into her twisted perspective of those same events. When you think critically, you can see Vanessa falling apart, no matter what point in her life your looking at. But when you look at it from Vanessa’s perspective, the story is completely different.

My Dark Vanessa isn’t a light read. Even when you think you finally understand what Vanessa’s relationship with and feelings towards “that teacher” are, another thread is pulled and the entire idea unravels. It’s written beautifully, and every so often the illusion is pulled back to reveal the raw and painful reality that Vanessa hides from. As she realizes it, so does the reader.

Read it.

[comfychairthoughts]

Every Moment Holy

I’m a Jesus follower. Lately I haven’t been engaged in my relationship with Him. It’s like when your friend stops texting you first, doesn’t ask you to hang, and doesn’t tag you in memes anymore. I’m that friend. It’s interesting how much losing that time with Jesus has effected me. Lot’s of people would think, why does it matter? You still believe in God right? For sure! But the last couple of weeks when I’ve been ghosting Jesus, I’ve been grumpy, rude, and passive-aggressive to the people I love. I’ve hated everyone and hated myself. It’s not that the rest of my life is stressful or even boring. I’m working my dream job for the summer with my best friend and a lot of my other favourite people. My life is actually pretty perfect right now, but without Jesus? It’s all crap. I’ve been finding it hard to get back into hanging out with God. The liturgy book, Every Moment Holy, has really helped me engage in conversation with Him. At least once a day I open that beautiful little leather book and read a prayer. It feels very personal, even though I’m reading someone else’s words. These liturgies lead me to scripture, personal prayer, and reflection. Some days I feel like I’m going through the motions, but some days I feel the peace and presence of Jesus surrounding me and going with me. My biggest challenge lately is staying present. If you’re familiar with the Enneagram, then you’ll know what I mean when as say as a 9, I’m prone to disassociating to keep false peace. I’ve been doing that a lot lately. I feel like I’m being challenged to stay present in every moment and experience the day God has put before me, even the boring or uncomfortable parts. Now when I feel myself slipping into a world of my own imagination or turning to my phone to drown out the world, I can catch myself and be in the moment instead. Every. Moment. Holy.

[comfychairthoughts]

I watched Sherlock BBC for the first time a few months ago. I watched it a second time immediately after. Lately I’ve been thinking about watching it again, only to discover it’s been taken off of Netflix. This is a cruel world.

[comfychairthoughts]

Does this actually happen to people? I can’t imagine.

[comfychairthoughts]

Yesterday I read a 300 page book in approximately two hours. For classes, I just read the abstract of articles to avoid dying of boredom. 

Reading fiction: *reads 150 pages in an hour*

Reading academic journal articles: * reads 9 pages in an hour*

[comfychairthoughts]

Parenting

I’m not a parent, but I do have three younger brothers. Even though they are all old enough now to make choices on their own and figure out their crap, I still have to parent them when our actual parents aren’t around. There’s always a fight. Today? Brother 2 wants Brother 3 to lend him a gaming headset. Brother 3 says no for no apparent reason. There is immediately screaming and crying. Today, Brother 1 is being unproblematic which is nice. He used to be the most problematic. We’re the closest in age and used to butt heads all the time. Now we’re friends more often than not. Brother 3 is the youngest and you can tell. He’s going through that stage where his prefrontal lobe is non-existent so he pretty much talks/acts like a crazy person all day. Brother 2 is loud and dramatic. When these three doofuses come together, chaos ensues. 

[comfychairthoughts]

I used to read tumblr posts on Pinterest because I wasn’t allowed to have a lot of social media accounts when I was younger. I loved every single tumblr post I found and always wanted to be able to post too. Here I am. Will it live up to what I thought it would be?