consultingskeletondetective - Tumblr blog

[consultingskeletondetective]

Okay THIS

there's no standard 'people at this age do this' anymore because life and circumstance are so fucking rough

people like me with full time jobs that earn a fair wage cannot afford things like rent and cars, aka the basics of society, and that's not even taking into consideration people on minimum wage or anything like that, I have a decent job and (nearly) 2 degrees and I consider myself incredibly privileged to have that and a career in the pipeline but I also know I can barely afford to survive on that, and seeing people my age or younger who own homes and have nice cars and expensive holidays and I'm like ?? how tf ??? have you done that ??

Being a young adult is so strange. You enter a coffee shop. The 20 year old girl waiting behind you cried all night because she just came to a new city for university and she feels so alone. That 27 year old guy over there works a job he is overqualified for, he lives with his parents and wants to move out but doesn't know what to do about it. That one 24 year old dude already has a car, a house, and a job waiting for him once he graduates thanks to his dad's connections. The 26 year old barista couldn't complete his higher education because he has to work and take care of his family. The 28 year old girl sitting next to you has no friends to go out with so she is texting her mother. That couple (both 25 years old) are married and the girl is pregnant. The 29 year old writing something on her laptop has realized that she chose the wrong major so she is trying to start all over. We are not alone in this, but we are actually so alone. Do you feel me

[consultingskeletondetective]

occasional posts from users

[consultingskeletondetective]

Okay but been thinking of Orc!König.

Orc!König who finds you when raiding your village with his clan and who knows you're far sweeter, far more rewarding than the other treasures he loots from the village.

Orc!König who takes you with him as a trophy no matter how hard you fight back and can't deny the fact that it only riles him up more.

Orc!König who dresses you in the finest furs and gives you the best meats and sweetest fruits to feast upon to properly court you.

Orc!König who is reassured you're the one when you tend to his wounds after a nasty scrap with a fellow orc.

Orc!König who allows you to braid his hair, adding a little bead along with the others in his auburn locks to symbolize your marriage.

Orc!König who lays you upon the furs lining the floor of his tent to make love to you, keeping you warm all night long with the sounds of his guttural grunts and groans filling the tent.

Orc!König whose heart beats wildly at the sight of you being pregnant with a half-orc baby, watching as you waddle around camp with a hand on your back and one cradling your swollen stomach.

Orc!König and the way he will smite anyone who even breathes wrong in your direction, vowing to protect you and your baby from anyone and anything.

[consultingskeletondetective]

just saw the trailer for Deadpool 3, I am excited but why can't they ever let him stand on his own? he's always got be with some arguably tougher-tough guy

Deadpool is a badass, let him carry

[consultingskeletondetective]

@ahoeformando WHAT 🥵🥵🥵🥵🥵🥵

Being so sensitive to squirting that the 141 make fun of your for it and have little competitions to see who can make you squirt the fastest :(

Johnny holds the record of 37 seconds from fingering you so fast you couldn’t tell when his fingers were inside or out of you.

After their little competition your poor pussy was so swollen and sensitive that all it took was a few rough spanks to your pussy from Price to make you squirt again.

“Oh well look at that? Seems we got a new record holder hm?” Price teases you and Johnny.

“That doesn’t count the competition is over!” Johnny exclaims angrily at Price.

Meanwhile Simon and Gaz are fucking rock hard from watching you squirt again so quickly.

[consultingskeletondetective]

😈😈😈😈😈

introductions

OKAY so i will begin my security shenanigans by describing each person; introducing them, if you will 😌😌,,

the first one i took to was ghost. ghost is a butch lesbian, probably in their mid 20s, who is about the same height as me if maybe an inch or two taller - i'm 5'4 for reference. they are your classic masc, short hair, a lil squishy n thicc, deep voice, tatted, looks incredible in their security uniform 🙈 it's always hot in the building where we work so i'll often see them all suited up with the reddest, squishable cheeks, flushed from the heat.

next was könig. könig is a tall (like giant tall), handsome bald polish man with the most perfect scruff. he's probably in his 40s, so broad and his voice is like honey and he's covered in fucking tattoos. he's also got the sluttiest fucking waist istg-

soon after came soap. soap is on the same shift pattern as ghost and their banter is what got him his name - i think they're a similar age. he's also tall, short haired, got a lil scruff. unfortunately he's not scottish, but he's got a nice voice anyway. i swear i've caught him checking me out a few times,, 🫣🙈

and finally we have both prices. i'll call them price 1 and 2, because i've had many more interactions with price 1 🙈 price 1 isn't as conventionally attractive as price 2, but he's so cheeky and non-serious when he isn't dealing with rude people. he's at least late fifties, muscles surrounded in a nice layer of pudge, salt n pepper facial hair. he used to be a sergeant or some other higher military rank and you can tell. the way he carries himself, the way he speaks. eugh. he's got pretty smile lines around his eyes and ofc tattoos. price 2 i've had very few interactions with. but he kinda looks like actual price 😳😳 he's definitely younger than price 1, with a little less squish, little more visible muscle. he's usually more serious than 1, too. price 1 and 2 are like a duo and they always walk around together, which of course fuels my silly thots 🥰

those are all the people i have so far, and of course i have interactions to detail 👀 i guess i'll have a taglist(?) for this if anyone wants updates whenever i post shenanigans!

taglist: @consultingskeletondetective @taintedfaith

[consultingskeletondetective]

Joey Batey at the table reading for season 4 of Netflix's The Witcher.

[consultingskeletondetective]

so fairly recently i started a new job. where i work there’s 24/7 security, and because of this there’s a changeover from day to night staff every afternoon. all of security rotate so they all do days and nights equally. ANYWAY

this is important because a lot of the people are. uh. hot 💀

i’ve been telling my baby @consultingskeletondetective all about the shenanigans that happen and i wondered if anyone here would care to read a few things 🤭 there’s nothing spicy of course (apart from my thoughts), it’s all very professional, but my goddd

i’ve accidentally attributed various people to their CoD counterparts and now that’s literally what i call them in my head, and to abbey, rather than their actual names 💀

so far i’ve a ghost, a soap, two prices, and a könig 🫠

i’ll post a few bits sometime soon if anyone’s interested 🙈

[consultingskeletondetective]

dudes will be like "women only date based on looks they wouldn't go for a guy who isn't conventionally attractive" meanwhile the women in question are thirsting over the ghoul from fallout bc he's cool and wears cowboy boots like looks literally have fuck all to do with it fellers

[consultingskeletondetective]

Potent

You’re the psychiatrist tasked to diagnose Michael Myers after his latest killing spree. He doesn’t appreciate your line of questioning. Michael Myers!Female Reader.

masterlist 🩷 ao3

tags: non con, rough sex, hair pulling, stalking, slasher, knife, injury, overstimulation, unprotected sex, squirting, humiliation, pwp

The room wasn’t pitch black but it was dark, dark enough that Michael appeared as a silhouette to you. He had chains around his arms, and his ankles, fixing him to the wall behind him, his head hanging low, so you could only see the mess of dark curls on his head. You knew he was young, but seeing it in the flesh somehow made him even more menacing.

“Is that legal?” You asked, nodding to the chains.

“It’s the only way to keep him down, ma’am.” The guard grunted at you and you sighed, taking a seat in the only chair in the small room. From this angle, Michael’s tall and muscular form was even more intimidating. They didn’t have prison jumpsuits in his size, apparently, as the fabric threatened to tear around his biceps and his thighs. He wasn’t even flexing.

“Hello, Michael.” You said solemnly. “I’m your state ordered psychiatrist.” He didn’t respond, he didn’t lift his head. You hadn’t expected anything else. You’d read Doctor Loomis’ notes. Michael was selectively mute, and he had been since he was six years old. You didn’t expect one session with you would do anything to change that. Still, you were paid to do a job, so you were prepared to go through the motions.

“I’m here to try and determine why you would commit another murder fifteen years after your first episode.” Nothing. “What made you do it, Michael? Were you jealous? Those young teenagers out living their lives while you’re in confinement?” No response. “It must be hard to socialise in the hospital, there can’t be anyone there your age, certainly no girls.” More silence. “It must be hard to meet girls, right, Michael?” The chains didn’t even rattle. “You killed a lot of girls tonight, Michael. Young, pretty girls. But you didn’t rape any of them. Perhaps it’s your impotence that made you kill them, are you jealous of that?” Michael didn’t say a word, the only thing you could hear was his breathing, even that sounded calm.

You probed him with a few more unanswered questions for the better part of an hour before you finally left, with only a few meagre notes but nothing else.

Your phone vibrated on your drive back but you ignored it until you were opening the door to your office. It was a missed call from the prison and a voicemail. You dumped your bag and Michael’s file on your desk and pressed a button on your phone to listen to it but before you could, your office door banged loudly.

You span around, completely unprepared to see Michael Myers standing in the gaping hole where your door used to be. The prison jumpsuit was gone, and replaced with the dark blue of a mechanic’s boilersuit, undoubtedly that used to belong to a poor, dead mechanic lying between the prison and here. His mask sat menacingly over his curls, giving you that eerie blank gaze as he walked into your office, raising his knife in his right hand.

“M-Michael!” You stuttered, scurrying back and hitting your desk. “What are you doing here? What-” He didn’t stop until he was in front of you, only a few inches of air separating your two bodies. You clutched the edge of your desk as you looked up at him, he was at least two feet taller than you, his mask glanced down and watching you, his chest rising and falling with that calm, calm breath.

“Please don’t do this.” You begged uselessly, paralysed with fear. He raised the knife and you sobbed and closed your eyes. The crack of wood jolted your eyes open. Michael’s blade was embedded in your desk, spearing through his file. The tip penetrating one hastily scribbled word. Impotent.

“What-” You tried, your brain a scrambled mess. Michael, apparently furious by your accusation, gripped you by the elbow and threw you down onto the couch. It was black leather and it hurt when you collided with it. You screamed as Michael fisted your hair and suddenly you were tasting leather, face down on the cushion and ass in the air.

Michael hiked your skirt up over your hips and ripped through your tights and panties with one swift movement. Your heart thudded in your chest. You tried to plead but his cock was already in you, splitting your unprepared cunt open on what you could only imagine was a fucking massive cock. He held you down immobile as he slammed into you. It was a brutal, fast fuck, carving open your insides like a pumpkin, lasting only a minute before he was stilling and cumming up your cunt. You gasped in pain and surprise and then he pulled out, the thick pressure suddenly gone from you, only a gaping hole with Michael’s spunk dripping out remained.

You breathed heavily against the leather. Your cunt felt like it was on fire. Shame and pain washed over you. The hand in your hair was still holding strong but honestly, you were too fucking scared to move. Michael had just raped you, cum inside you. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.

You sobbed into the couch before you felt Michael’s fingers digging into your sore, empty cunt. They were nearly as big as his cock and you wailed. “Fuck, no, Michael, not again, please!”

He doesn’t listen, fingering you brutally, twisting the thick digits in your cunt and against your sweet spot until you were squirting all over his hand with a cry.

He pulled out suddenly, surprised by the reaction, and all you could do was whimper as he landed a sharp spank on your cunt, your clit, catching all of you in his large hand. The force of it sent tremors through your whole body and you screamed. He did it again, and again, and again, landing firm, sharp spanks over your sensitive slit, your clit trembling desperately against him. You sobbed in pain, begging him to stop, until finally he did, flipping you over on the couch until you were facing him.

You could see your cunt like this, how bright red and swollen it was, you could also see Michael towering over you. His cock was as big as it felt, curved and veined and wet with you, his fingers were too - all four of them - and he curled his hand around your hip to yank you down the couch and sink his cock right back inside you.

You gurgled. Your cunt was so spent and sore and sensitive but you couldn’t even protest as Michael clamped his huge hand around your neck and held you still, pounding you and forcing you to watch it happen. His cock going in and out, in and out, coming out wetter each time, and everytime he filled you, your eyes rolled into the back of your head and your toes curled in the small of his back. It felt incredible, and you couldn’t stop yourself cumming and squirting all over both of you.

Michael slowed his thrusts a little when you did, dragging his hand through your folds and gathering the wetness there. You whined when he threw it in your face, breaking down into fresh sobs at the humiliating act.

His cock sped back up again and you were delirious with it, clenching down on him. It felt like he was in your fucking guts but you didn’t want him anywhere else. Your hand migrated down without realising, rubbing your desperate little clit until you came again with a moan.

Michael pulled out of you with enough force to make your head spin, and when you managed to glance down, you saw his cock bobbing wetly at your hole, trying desperately to find your wet opening again, but his hands were on your cunt, pulling your lips apart and inspecting the little nub still trembling from the aftershocks of orgasm.

He took your clit in his fingers and twisted cruelly, forcing your back to arch and a gurgled scream to make its way out of your throat. You were so sensitive and not meant to bend that way but he didn’t care, doing it again and making you screech like a banshee. He shoved back inside you at the same time, fucking you harder and stronger than before as he twisted and rubbed your clit with cruel fingers until it was raw and you were clenching and crying and cumming with a painful intensity you’d never felt before.

“Fuck, Michael, fuck, stop!”

He fucked you with long, brutal strokes for the longest few minutes of your life before he finally stilled, filling up your aching cunt with the second load of the night. It didn’t even drip back out of you with how deep he was. You imagined the white seed was splashing your cervix.

You were shivering in oversensitivity, your entire body a wreck as Michael finally pulled his softening cock out of your wrecked hole and slapped it against your puffy slit a few times, making you jolt.

He zipped up and went back to your desk, retrieving his knife from the cracked wood. His file fluttered to the ground. You expected him to kill you, but he didn’t, he just went back to the ruined door and left. You were sure you imagined him tucking your ripped panties into his pocket on the way out.

[consultingskeletondetective]

BARRY SLOANE as Eddie Wells in PASSENGER (2024 — ) Episode 1.04

[consultingskeletondetective]

tumblr ads aren't nearly annoying enough for anyone to pay to be ad-free, i never even notice something is an ad half the time, i just think a mutual has developed a new hyperfixation for snakes or something

[consultingskeletondetective]

[consultingskeletondetective]

do not invite me to the function this is what im doing there

[consultingskeletondetective]

heavy marketing is really not aimed with Brits in mind,,,the fact I've received about 50 emails about a mattress I looked at over 2 weeks ago only means I'm going to go out of my way to buy it from someone else

[consultingskeletondetective]

We're on a new platform with a totally different audience...we have to prove ourselves all over again...convince a totally new group of people to think we're funny and worth your attention....so allow me to drop some of my "A" material....the funniest thing I got.......here goes....... jeef berky

[consultingskeletondetective]

OH 🥵🥵🥵

@ahoeformando it's tattoo soap ;)

what if we had Viking Soap ..?