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[dead-on-the-inside12345]

Hey world. I had a terrible night last night.

Bubba yelled at me and made me feel worthless. again. i feel like a beaten dog.

still had to go to work, i cried in the parking lot before i went in bc i get berated at home just to go to work and be berated there. not just by customers but my sister too bc she works with me .

Today sucked, yesterday sucked worse. I'm hopeful tomorrow will be better. Maybe itll be a lil treat yourself day for me. I'll let yall know.

Check in later!

[dead-on-the-inside12345]

Im just getting off my lunch now, didnt eat but thats pretty norm,-. Maybe ill eat while working idk.

Work sucks so far today. No one told me but apparently im supposed to be in office on these days so i got talked to about that and starting next will will have to go in those days. They told us we have to use our break time to pee, like if we need to pee at 12 but our lunch isnt until 12:30 we have to us part of our 15 min break, i think its illegal so im not going to do it. I read the OSHA bi law about it. Im ready for a fight on this one.

My trash can was reallly full bc bubba never does his chores bc his life is soooo hard and it fell over. Not just trash came out but of course the old beef fat i strained last night fell all over the floor. Just fucking amazing. My whole house smells like unseasoned cooked beef now. GET ME OUT OF HERE!!

well i have to go back and be a slave to the man

Check in later

[dead-on-the-inside12345]

Good morning beautiful people!

I woke up and I'm feeling optimistic. I want to start doing better, i really do but with my back injury i can only do too much. I think that's what God wants for me right now tho. To step back and take a look at everything and readjust. I plan on doing just that.

Have a full day of work (10.5hrs) but at least I'm at home for today. I may ask them if i can spend the week at home just so i can rest, im scared im going to go into the office i will hurt so bad i wont be able to drive home.

Since im hime today im going to try and post a few times but we will see bc i also want to clean my floors lol.

Check in later!!

[dead-on-the-inside12345]

Well I am off to bed, I have my heatless curls and my silk head cap, melatonin and Rx's taken.... I am ready for a long great night to sleep.

I think I'm going to start doing nightly prayers again. it always made me feel better about my day. Plus its a good indicator to my mind that when i do that it means its bed time.

Im really enjoying the laptop Bubba got me, honestly i have really been off of it. It feel like another escape but a much more productive one. I want to learn the best way to sell stuff online as well so i cant start getting some extra income. If only this blog would really take off bc maybe thatll also be more income but at least I have a great place to vent and tell my story. Thank you to anyone who is reading this. You have no idea how much it means that someone is willing to listen.... if youre out there.

Well this is good night but i will

Check in later!!

[dead-on-the-inside12345]

Good morning!

Today I have to leave the house which I do not want to do at all. But that's ok, its going to support my habit.

I haven't really talked about this yet but I smoke way too much. Like way too much. Ive been smoking since I was like 13 or 14. I use it run away and i always have. At the time I was just in a terrible place with terrible things happening to me and I found an old friend that I knew I would be safe. We smoked out of a purple Hello Kitty bubbler, if that says anything lol. That feeling of not worrying what was happening is something I have chased on the daily ever since. Now that its legal its just so easy.

Soon I will open up more about that time in my life because it was definitely one of the wildest.

Gotta say good bye for now tho,

Check in Later!!

[dead-on-the-inside12345]

It happened, Bubba got me my Birthday gift. MY LAPTOP. OMG i love it so much, big dopamine hit happening over here. It made me eat a big dinner tho and im thinking about that alot.

Im going to be on here blogging to much now that i have this. I can watch my shows and post all at the same it. Its amazing.

GTG tho, ill check in later skaters

[dead-on-the-inside12345]

I’m going to try and get back to doing this everyday! I swear!!

[dead-on-the-inside12345]

I don’t understand how I can want to die everyday and still go through the motions. Do I have a duvet cover arriving today that will complete my bed room yes… have I historically cried all morning bc I broke something small and it made me spiral back down also yes. I know I have to go to work so I can pay my bills but there are no bills if you are dead. I don’t want anyone I know to feel it tho. I’m just waiting to be all alone

[dead-on-the-inside12345]

Heyo

Mom really trying to focus on work and my wedding so I don’t have to think about all the bad stuff.

So far so good tho. We are on my Friday!!

[dead-on-the-inside12345]

I’m trying to better for new years. I think If I can get bubba on it we can do it. I need to be a better person.

[dead-on-the-inside12345]

I’ve resorted to only doing this in the middle of the night while bubba is asleep. Idk why I think it’s bc I wake up every night now. I had Councling a few days ago and that kinda helped. I was able to talk about some of the ways my family treats me. I don’t wanna tell you my councilors name but my main man, we will call him Mustache, told me I didn’t deserve what they do. I think they will get a better understanding of me soon.

I say them bc I have 3 counclers who are working with me now, have 4 total. 2 are still students getting their hours with mustache, the other was a student but has since graduated and moved on to their own clients (let’s say I’m proud). The one who graduated, he is so cool. I was the first person he ever guided, and lord know I’m a challenge but he helped me so much. Thank you boss.

I’m getting help not just through councling but a lot with doctor prescribed medication. My councler suggested I speak with my dr about upping my dose. I don’t have money to see the dr right now bc of bubba but soon. Soon I will be ok. Soon I now be sad.

Because of everything that’s been going on I haven’t been eating as much so it’s triggered my eating disorder really bad. I’m pretty skinny tho now so that’s the tits. (The tits: a cool way of saying I like that, bc who doesn’t like titties) people are finally starting to notice. I wonder what they truly think is it, “good for Meagan, she looks amazing!”, “She finally lost that weight” or “she’s lost alot of weight, I hope she’s doing ok”. Some people just tell me. A lot of people are “happy” for me. If they only knew.

It’s not ok right now but it will be.

I will be ok. I’m determined to be ok.

I’ll check in later!!

[dead-on-the-inside12345]

Hey

I went to councling last night and it helped. I don’t feel like throwing up anymore. So that’s good. It’s no easy but fuuuuuuuuuccccccckkkk it’s nice to talk to someone.

Working a shit ton so I can get myself out of debt. I hate myself for it. Honestly I would rather sell myself then be in this debt but I can’t. Also won’t be telling bubba about it. Not yet. We have our whole life’s.

It’s not ok right now but it will be

[dead-on-the-inside12345]

So my birthday came and went so did the big Christmas holiday. It’s over. It’s done. Eveyone in the world is happy to move on. It’s hard for me. Getting older that is. I haven’t felt that way until this year but damn. There’s so much I thought I would have done. I also didn’t think I would live long enough to be here so idk.

I think it’ll be ok.

I think.

[dead-on-the-inside12345]

Proud of myself for doing a full shift. That sounds so fucking dumb but I struggle. Not just with mental health but I had a head injury and it just makes everything harder.

I’m seeing my friends today. I’m calling out at some point. I don’t want it to be the full day but honestly that’s what it’s looking like. I can bearly breath right now without having a panic attack. Im have the most horrific thoughts again. I say the meanest stuff. Yesterday I truly thought about putting myself in the hospital.

Today will be good as long as I don’t think about work. Im sure I’ll stress about that tomorrow.

I just wanna feel ok. Not normal, not average just ok.

Check in later

[dead-on-the-inside12345]

I want to die

[dead-on-the-inside12345]

Had another night I didn’t sleep through. The no sleep think it’s starting to effect me.

[dead-on-the-inside12345]

Hey

Everything fucking sucks. The little voice in my head won’t stop saying the most horrific things. It’s twards me, about me and to hurt me and it’s coming from me!! I hate myself. I’m in so much debt. I want to die.

I’m crying constantly

I’m so unhappy with myself.

I guess I’ll bed rot again

Check in later