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5 Player Characters loot the lich’s grave

One tripped a trap and died - no save The party called bullshit and the DM said: “You didn’t check for traps before jumping in the grave!”

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Dragons need gold for the same reason chickens need grit: it helps with their digestion

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Nerd Word of the day: Nopescape

Nopescape (NOH-pe-SKAY-p): a place or setting you definitely, seriously, truly you do NOT want to be in. Example:

Zdzisław Beksiński is famous for his haunting nopescapes.

Nopescapes in art:

[deadendtabletop]

Dungeons & Dragons 4: ReDo (or, movies from the multiverse)

This is a hypothetical outline for a D&D movie that will never be, largely put together for shits and giggles.

Elevator pitch version: After a disastrous first 3 campaigns, the group asks Steve, their previous GM, to stand down, while Dave, a newer player, tries to run a game for them. His campaign far exceeds Steve’s previous failures, resulting in Steve trying to derail Dave’s game out of spite.

Dungeons & Dragons 4: ReDo is a sequel in the hypothetical gaming universe that the first 3 D&D movies occupy. However, the purpose of ReDo is not to tell a ‘fantasy’ story, but to instead tell a gaming story. With that in mind, here are a few principles to keep in mind.

This is primarily a gaming narrative: taking a page directly from the legendary KoDT strip and the movie Gamers, ReDo is made up of the real-world round the table interpersonal narrative and the fantasy story. However, these are not separate worlds. Out of game chicanery and revamps affect the game world and inconsistencies aboung.

All previous D&D movies are canon, even the ones that contradict themselves: as this is a gaming narrative, the idea is not to create a ‘cohesive’ fantasy setting. Instead, it’s the tale of a gaming group with their own dramas and meltdowns, pretending to have an epic quest.

The conflict in the gaming table affects the fantasy and vice versa: D&D and tabletop gaming a primarily social experiences. Drama in the real world can derail the game and crappy in-game behavior can result in squabbles. A negative experience for the DM can also reflect itself in the game and this has to be part of the movie.

The setting is recognizable but secondary: the story takes place during the Tomb of Horrors adventure, with its setpieces and challenges used as a backdrop for the tabletop real world drama.

With those things in mind, here is the pitch for the movie that will never be…

DUNGEONS & DRAGONS 4: ReDo

Cast of Characters:

Steve: The group’s previous DM, Steve has strongarmed himself into being a ‘forever DM’, running the players through the plots of the first 3 movies. He is jealous of Dave’s superior work and will try to derail the game.

Dave: The new DM of the group, Dave was always Steve’s biggest fan, learning from Steve’s mistakes. He initially treats Steve’s plotting and sabotage as a bit of disruptive gaming, before finally snapping.

Kev: The “chad” of the group, Kev began gaming back in the 00’s in secret with the rest of the party, before coming out as an obnoxious normie as soon as D&D became mainstream. Plays the obnoxious Paladin of the group, capable of great deeds but also of great rule abuse.

Kiesha: The rules lawyer, Kiesha has always been a power creep and the party’s wizard, content to optimize everyone’s builds to pretty much win the game. Secretly into Kev, enabling his worst in-game behavior and one time Steve’s ex, her reluctance allows Steve to derail the campaign.

Doug: Having discovered the game in his 60’s following a very messy divorce, Doug fell into D&D and he fell hard. Finding solace in his role as a cleric, Doug has put too much emotional stock into the game, making the derailing apocalyptic.

Mags: The newbie of the group, Mags is one of Steve’s mom’s friends, who got into the game after stumbling into one of Dave’s sessions. Playing the party Barbarian, Mags is the one that gives Dave the backbone to fight back against Steve when the campaigns tarts getting derailed.

Levi: The quiet Jewish kid that just wants some company, Levi plays the rogue and the monk of the party, mostly content to roll dice. His quiet demeanor will result in him resolving the crisis that Steve causes, saving the campaign.

Qu’atan: a distant island kingdom set at the edge of the Empire of Izmer, Qu’atan is the setting of the game’s world, challenged by the lich Vuceras, worshipper of the dread Azag’Tot, god of Annihilation. It’s not really that important to the story.

Story Synopsis:

After years of gaming with Steve, the group decides to let Dave give it a shot. The result is an introduction to a sweeping, sprawling world with epic stakes. Steve immediately realizes that the group enjoys the game much more than they did his campaigns and slowly starts to try and give Dave bum advice. Dave manages to make the most out of Steve’s bad advice, coming out on top as the group navigates the Tomb of Horrors, searching for the lost phylactery of Vuceras. They fail, resulting in the lich escaping with its phylactery, free to terrorize the world, thanks to Steve’s intentional sabotage.

During the many months that the campaign takes place, the group finds out more about Dave’s sprawling world, even as Steve desperately tries to find ways to ruin it for everyone, while Mags constantly thwarts him, mostly pushing his characters off cliffs.

Enraged, Steve manages to get access into Dave’s notes on a shared drive, destroying his epic campaign and forcing him to improvise as he goes. Using his moment of weakness, he feeds him bogus, discarded ideas which make everything turn for the worse in game. On Dave’s moment of greatest depression, Steve offers to take over. Dave hands him the DM screen, hoping that maybe his mentor can save the game.

In the apocalyptic final shitshow of a battle, the team has to fight against Steve’s bullshit re-statted lich and his cult, facing impossible odds. Steve, of course, tries to cheat to get his way and it is Levi’s discovery of Steve meddling with Dave’s game that causes everything to come to a head. The battle against Vuceras is abandoned, as the group leaves Steve alone and friendless.

Years later, Dave meets Steve at a convention, trying (and failing) to run the Tomb of Horrors for a group. They have their final discussion about how things turned out, ending with Steve asking Dave for advice on being a less crappy DM.

As the final shot pans out from the two going over campaign notes, we can see a multitude of worlds blossoming over table all around them, as the game goes on, forever

[deadendtabletop]

When 9 alignments won’t cut it

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[deadendtabletop]

(another) SYSTEM AGNOSTIC MAGIC ITEMS POST

Source Bow of the Tempest: A ships' prow repurposed into a bow by a storm giant craftsman, the Bow of the Tempest's string has been created from the cured hamstring of a Roc, requiring immense strength to pull back, never mind use in battle. The true purpose of the Bow of the Tempest is to instead allow wielders to 'wound' storms, squalls and other weather phenomena, allowing them to be hunted like living beings for sport or redirected in the path of an enemy fleet. However, these phenomena have their own familys tructures and their own strange relations and intelligence and may very well seek revenge from the Bow's wielder, if they abuse their power.

The Archmage's Thumb: The severed backup thumb of the legendary sorcerer-king Ostrog the Omnipotent, the Thumb retains part of its owner’s power and toxic personality. The Thumb will not deign to suffer the touch of a user that is not fully dedicated to the arcane arts and will often strike back at the unworthy, when its powers are called upon. If a wizard of satisfactory skill and renown takes the Thumb, it will still allow them to use its powers but will often turn against them, if they prove lacking in ambition or cruelty. When calling upon the powers of the Thumb, a wizard can call down a gigantic digit which will attempt to crush its enemies. The Thumb can also be used to augment any sorcerous workings but it will often attempt to overextend the effects, just to show off (for example, summoning an archfiend instead of a run of a lesser demonic servitor). If a wizard begins to rely on the Thumb, then it will inevitably attempt to fuse with their flesh, rooting into their nervous system and imprinting its own half remembered version of Ostrog on the user, with catastrophic results.

12th Eye of the Beholder: A preserved eye taken from the backside of a rare, mutated beholder, the 12th Eye grants its user preternatural powers of hindsight. After becoming attuned to a user, the Eye will always hover behind the user’s head and will instantly fill their mind with a flood of advice after a failure. While this does give an edge to the user on their next attempt toward a similar feat, the Eye never really stops.  Instead, it will become a permanent backseat driver to every action the user performs, eventually driving them insane. Beholders consider this item to be highly offensive and will go to great lengths to destroy both the user and the eye at all costs. The Darkroot Rod:

The last remaining mote of the blighted World Tree, the Darkroot Rod must never be allowed to touch unconcecrated ground. As soon as the Rod does so, it wil shoot roots that will drive themselves deeply into the earth, siphoning any groundwater sources. It will use this sustenance to explosively grow into a great and blighted tree, much like a baobab, that will bear fruit infested with deadly stinging insects, within the following days. It will use these fruit to harrass and drive away all that attempt to cut it down. If left unchecked, the Darkroot will then begin to shed its seeds, choking out nearby vegetation with copies of itself. It will even take root in the sea, darining the oceans to power its growth. Only fire, natural magic or destroying the original tree can prevent this apocalyptic spread. Destroying the original tree will result in another instance of the Darkroot Rod.

Skull Tumbler:

A drink tumbler fashioned from the skull of a cyclops seer, the Tumbler will transform any liquid poured into it, depending which socket the user decides to drink from. Users that drink from its eye socket will get a mouthful of blood, which will fill them with blinding rage, making them immune to pain for a brief period of time. Users that drink from the top of the skill will get a mouthful of thickened brain juice, granting them perfect clarity but making them susceptible to mind altering effects. Users drinking from the nasal conch will taste mouthful of thinned out snot and will not require to breathe and survive in even the harshest environments for a short window of time. Users drinking from the foramen magnum will taste the metallic taste of spinal fluid, increasing their reaction time and speed but making it impossible for them to perform any tasks that require any amount of concentration for the duration of the effect.

Crown of the Pu’raht:

The last symbol of office of a lost bloodline of rulers from a long forgotten empire, Crown of the Ru’raht grants the wearer the ability to implant suggestions or attempt to command any person descended from the empire itself. Given that the empire has disappeared millennia ago, this makes the item’s effect largely unreliable or seemingly random. The extent of the effects of the Crown depend on the person’s lineage to the Empire and the position that their ancestor held in its social order. Serfs: Descendants of serfs can be commanded by the wearer of the crown and have a diminished ability to resist. The commands must have to with menial work or military service. In the event that a serf’s descendant dies, they can be commanded to rise as mindless undead. Craftsmen: Descendants of craftsmen can be commanded to perform tasks related to their ancestor’s profession and have suggestions implanted to them, with a diminished ability to resist. They also have a smaller chance of being successfully raised as unded with limited intelligence. Merchants: Descendants of merchants cannot be commanded, but can have suggestions implanted to them. In the presence of the crown, their powers of glibness and diplomatic capability are augmented. After death, merchant descendants have a small chance of being raised as ghosts or spectral undead. Scribes: Descendants of scribes can be suggested and given the ability to temporarily implant suggestions to others via the written words. In the presence of the crown, scribes can also perfectly read any language but none that went extinct prior to the time of the Pu’raht. After death, descendant of scribes have a miniscule chance to rise as sorcerous undead that are bound to the crown’s wearer.

Soldiers: Descendants of soldiers can be commanded to fight for the crown wearer or suggested to be spurred to violence. In the presence of the crown, Soldier descendants become more adept at fighting. If soldier descendants die in battle, they immediately rise as powerful undead for a brief period of time before collapsing into dust. Nobles and Priests: Descendants of the upper castes cannot be commanded but be implanted with suggestions relating to leadership of command. In the presence of the crown, they are more adept at commanding others can attempt to affect any member of the previous classes. In the event of their death, they rise as sentient undead bound to the crown and may attempt to destroy themselves or the wearer to gain their freedom. Pu’raht: The Descenants of the Pu’raht are not affected by the crown and can command any of the affected individuals at will. In the presence of the crown, they can command the wearer to do anything (up to and including perishing on the spot). If a descendent of the ruler of Pu’raht dies while wearing the crown and their body is properly attended, they will rise as a powerful mummy within the next year.

Sword of Angst: Appropriately enough, the sword of angst is made from a pitch black length of starmetal, its pommel fashioned in the shape of a gaunt, haunted face. Victims wounded by the sword will experience a sense of dread that will only grow until it consumes the victim with pure despair. Magic can suppress this effect but the only way to dispel it is by acquiring the sword and wounding another. Victims that die before having done so will almost always return as a form of undead or seek undeath before their demise.

The Khagrin's daughters: Contained inside a small filigreed box with 8 places, only 6 of the Khagrin’s Daughters now remain, with two lost to time and obscurity. Each of the small figurines, hewn from semiprecious stones, can be activated upon being removed from the box and can perform a specific function. Amethyst: A healer figurine, the Amethyst daughter can create unguents and balms, assist with minor healing magic or perform basic surgery if given an appropriately sized set of tools. It will not produce poisons or harm an injured individual it is attending to and will willingly cease its function if it witnesses or is forced to participate in any form of torture. Malachite: A warrior figurine, the Malachite daughter is armed with a bow and greatsword and fights with magically augmented strength and speed, despite its tiny frame. The Malachite daughter will always fight valiantly and uphold a code of honor and will willingly cease its own function if ordered to backstab a retreating foe or finish off one that has surrendered.

Onyx: An artist figurine, the Onyx daughter carries a tiny ocarina and can play any appropriately sized instrument perfectly and can assess and adapt to any social situation, assisting its owner. The Onyx daughter’s music soothes any mental distress in any intelligent being and can even undo magical effects that attack one’s mind. It will willingly cease its function if it discovers it is being used in an underhanded or manipulative manner.

Turqoise: A mystic figurine, the Turqoise daughter is dressed in long, flowing robes and has the ability to read and comprehend any magical writing or assist in identifying any magical items on behalf of its wearer. It can also provide assistance in workings but will willingly cease its function if it discovers that the spell or the user intend to apply these working to cause innocents to suffer.

Lapis: A priest figurine, the Lapis daughter wears vestments of an unknown faith and is able to parse any religious ritual that it has witnessed at least once and assist it. It can also commune with the servants of the gods, appearing as a fellow immortal to them. It will cease function if the user attempts to consolidate with evil entities or work toward the service of a dark god.

Citrine: A sly figurine, the Citrine daughter is dressed in simple clothing and can be used to spy or sneak on a person, in the interest of gathering information. It can also help its owner to more proficiently hide in shadows but will cease its function if it discovers it is used for sabotage or toward an assassination.

The Book of Turmoil:

Penned by member sof a cult to a forgotten god of Chaos, the Book of Turmoil is intended for long-term destabilization of an enemy, by destorying their knowledge base. When placed in the presence of books, scrolls, or other items containign wirtten words, the contents of the book of Turmoil will spill out, annihilating the contents of those written words, twisting them into scribbles which readers interpret as anything that confirms their biases or worst possible fears. Appropriately powerful magic will reveal them as nonsense chicken scratches or whorls. If allowed to continue its effect, the Book of Turmoil will continue its effect, destroying every written word in its immediate vicinity. Readers that have been exposed to its effects will also find that their spoken language also suffers a similar fate. It is theorized that the Book of Turmoil could have been behind the annihilation of other languages and if its effects should spread to any Common tongue, the results could be apocalyptic. Destroying the Book of Tumoil and all affected books will stop its effect. However, A new Book of Turmoil will assemble itself from even the finest ashes of the affected books, a few weeks later.

Vigilant Hoard:

A moving, animate vault, Vigilant Hoards are usually chest-sized constructs containing a hyper-dimensional space where a powerful being can store their valuables. Vigilant Hoards will usually attack unsuspecting thieves in an attempt to subdue them, attempt to ‘swallow’ intruders by trapping them in the stasis field inside them or disgorge a portion of their payload at high speed as an area attack. Higher end Vigilant Hoards usually come with complimentary construct guards for additional muscle, planar jaunt capabilities and, in rare cases, the ability to self destruct, consuming their contents in the process, an option for the excessively petty connoisseur.

Torturous crown:

Fashioned as a heavy, jeweled ladened crown, the Torturous crown was created as a cursed gift to a past tyrant. Once worn, the crown locks onto the despot’s head, becoming increasingly heavier with every unjust decree the tyrant makes, until it becomes so heavy, it crushed the despot under its own weight.

While kind-hearted acts will release the load, the victim is usually too far gone and deserving of a torturous death to realize it.

Ethereal Scarab:

A tiny creature with the capability to flit between dimensions, the Ethereal Scarab is a magical messenger, mostly used by accomplished arcanists. It can also act as a courier, as it has a limited ability to adjust its size. However, the Scarab is cowardly by nature and cannot carry out complex commands. If threatened, it will drop its payload and if given a very complex command or asked to pass along a very elaborate message, there is a chance that it will fail to do either and instead wander off, only to return to its master, its mission botched.

Aelforth's Long Fang:

The last unbroken fang of the first Wolf, Aelforth’s Long Fang has been fashioned into a spear, which causes those wounded by it to be infected by a lesser form of lycanthropy, in service to the bearer of the fang. The fang is capable of permanently killing lycanthropes and other shapeshifters without further magical assistance and allows its wielder to dominate wolves and, to a lesser extent, all breeds of dog. The Fang however, is prized by the gods of the Hunt, who will harass its owner every  other full moon, seeking possession of the item

The twin blades of twilight:

Shaped from the light of waning twin suns, the blades of twilight exist concurrently to each other, allowing their respective wielders to communicate even across realities as long as the swords are in their possession. Owners of the blades can also trade places or exchange effects (beneficial or otherwise) on command but the blades cannot coexist in the same space. In the event that either owner dies, this effect cannot be evoked until either blade finds a new wielder.

Wargod’s mannequin:

A magically powered sparring partner, the Wargod’s mannequin is proficient with every weapon and martial style that its owner uses or wishes to train in. While the mannequin cannot teach a technique directly, it can reproduce it on request. Any damage done to a mannequin ‘heals’ in the same manner as a living being and any damage it inflicts is nonlethal. There is however, a 1 in 6 chance, if the mannequin becomes damage or if a bout drags on too long, that it will enter a ‘self-preservation’ mode and attempt to kills its attacker with any manner of weaponry before it powers down, after they are either killed or subdued.

Bone Caltrops:

Named such for their bleach white color, Bone Caltrops are actually a form of predatory plant species that reproduce by shedding rom their parent plant, drifting in the wind. They use their limited ability of locomotion to tumble in the middle of a road, where they wait for a hapless living being to step on them. As soon as this happens, the Bone Caltrops sink into the unprotected skin of the bein and immediately shoot their roots into the ground, fastening them into place. The Bone Caltriop then shoots its seeds into the victim's bloodstream. This causes immense pain to the victim, which often draws nearby predators (supernatural or otherwise) that consume it. This process infests the predators with the Bone Caltrop seedlings, which are then deposited elsewhere, allowing the cycle to begin again.

Troubleweed:

A disastrous form of tumbleweed summoned from a reality inhabited by colossal, predatory plant life, the Troubleweed rolls down its path, consuming anything it can find, attaching them to its mass. Larger instances of Troubleweed also contain larvae of pitch-black assassin wasp creatures, which grow in tandem with the host plant and will attack any that try to stop it. Used by particularly evil nature arcanists with no moral compass or care for collateral damage. Once the Troubleweed reaches a ‘mature’ size, it will then explode violently in every direction, showering the nearby area with its sprouts, which will inevitably result in more instances of Troubleweed. This also releases the assassin wasps.

Snarglaphite:

Lesser elemental beings with animal-like intelligence, Snarglaphites tend to nest and hunt in places of geomagical importance, in service to local nature wizards or lesser forest deities. Snarglaphite pups can be chipped away from a female adult and trained to operate as sorcerous familiars or elemental animal companions. Their natural ability to move through rock unimpeded, coupled with their powerful melding attack (which lets them fuse into the unprotected flesh of their target) makes them excellent for taking down quarry. However, Snarglaphites are not very intelligent and will take almost all commands literally. Furthermore, Snarglaphites that grow too large will bury themselves in place and rfuse to move, until the time of their shedding, requiring their owner to retrain a pup from the ground up.

Ring of Directed Fortitude:

Used by devious nobles in proxy duels, Rings of Directed Fortitude imbue the creature they are pointed at with augmented endurance and prowess in battle but only as long direct line of sight with the ring is maintained. If broken, the effects are rescinded, often with very unfortunate results. Nobles found to be using such rings are often punished severely for their trickery.

Vestments of the far seer:

Sewn from the cured hide of an alien creature, the interior of the Vestments of the Far Seer is covered in tiny, sucking mouths which attach themselves to the flesh of the wearer. These mouths then hum strange hymns into the body of the wearer, their vibrations translating into strange visions. At the dawn of each day, the wearer must roll a 6 sided die, after specifying a number. On an even result, the Vestments fill the wearer's mind with visions of pure bliss, brought forth by the Outer Presences communing through the Vestments, which grant him resistances to mind-altering effects (both beneficial and harmful) and the ability to speak in tongues with any sentient creature and instantly perceive the nature of any magical item after a few hours of uninterrupted inspection. On an odd result, the wearer's presence becomes known to the Adiphagoi, world-devouring intelligences, which home in to their position at a geological pace. This grants the wearer the ability to devour and digest anything (whether vegetable, animal or mineral though magical items may prove chewier than most), exposes anyone reading their mind to the horrific presence of the Adiphagoi and grants them the ability to command lesser abominations (abominations are entitled to resist this effect). If the wearer rolls their exact specified number, then they are brought before the Council of Worlds, a congress made up of unknowably powerful alien entities and are granted audience with them for exactly sixteen seconds. The Council of Worlds can respond to any questions posed to them (they are knowledgable but not all-knowing), grant any reasonable request (but will never provide overwhelming power to the supplicant) or perform a single deed (applicable once and within reason; wearers that attempt to abuse this are instantly turned down). Wearers that waste the Council's time or fail to adress it with the proper form of respect or attempt to disrupt its function may find themselves turned inside out, their own skins converted to a set of Vestments which will then be deposited to another reality, to be used by a more respectful wearer.

Pocket Azoth: The seedling of a pocket plane, an Azoth can cause a miniature world, roughly the size of a small town, to begin expanding inside any space without matter. If given enough magical sustenance and room to grow, this pocket plane could grow to the size of a world, after a few millennia. If a pocket Azoth is released inside an existing plane, it instead causes an absence, as a result of its expansion, annihilating anything in its path. This does not kill any organic life, but it can disrupt the barrier between dimensions, causing unwanted visitors or phenomena to break in with disastrous results.

Mirror of Blame:

Used by underhanded magistrates to place blame on wrongly accused victims, Mirrors of Blame generate a magically twisted reflection of their victim, which reinforces their guilt of a crime they have been accused of. This can be undone by powerful magic, but destroying the Mirror of blame is not recommended, as its individual shards can have the same, if diminished effect toward anyone exposed.

Ring of the Grey One:

A ring once world by an otherworldly cast away, the ring makes its wearer immediately appear as unfamiliar and alien to any that look upon them. While this helps them interact with any alien technology or beings hostile to life, it will make it impossible for them to interact with anyone in their home world, if worn for too long. If the ring’s wielder dies while wearing the ring, then their soul is consigned to the alien afterlife of the original wearer and will have to find their way back home or linger in the strange mercurial metropolises of the Grey ones for eternity.

Ominous Node:

The Ominous mostly just stands there, causing users that look at it a sense of foreboding. prolonged exposure to the node increases a feeling of paranoia and may cause sensitive or magically attuned individuals to exhibit strange effects during their workings. The effect is nullified by simply moving the node to another location.

[deadendtabletop]

Some (Hangover) System Agnostic Plot Hooks!

Source Your players wake up, hungover to hell, after a pretty big bender. All of their money’s gone and to make things more interesting, they (roll a d20, once per player): 1-Wake up inside a small terrarium, examined by strange beings. 2-Are awakened by an alien-looking servant, having recently been granted an honorary title. Comes with baggage. 3-Wake up covered in doppleganger goo. 4-Wake up suspended above the world, after a one night stand with a halfgod. 5-Open their eyes to find that they’ve been left strapped inside a sexy dungeon. 6-Find that they have swapped bodies with an otherworldly being by accident and must Freaky Firday their ways back to their respective bodies. 7-Discover that they spent their last remaining mullah for a charity (that’s nice) ran by a doomsday cult (getting weird) and have named them a great benefactor. Now, there’s police and investigators at their door. 8-Realize that they have started a religion. It’s not much, but it’s picking up speed. 9-Find out that they have somehow figured out how to turn lead into gold but can’t recall how. They are hounded by strange weirdos who seek to reveal their secret, at all costs. 10-Wake up grown to a monstrous size or shrunk to the size of a gnat.  11-Wake up feeling..off. Closer examination reveals that...something used them to incubate its young inside them and they will very soon hatch. 12-Realize they have been branded with a universally rude sign on a very obvious part of their body. It is impossible to remove by conventional means. 13-Find out that they have been saddled with a tour group of supernatural beings and they will not stick to their schedule. 14-Discover a tiny, adorable creature at the foot of their bed. It is the youngest spawn of Tho’Thok the destroyer and She will tear the universe apart to find it. 15-Realize they’ve purchased a starship/worldgate/pocket plane. it’s part of a pyramid scheme and they must resell it to someone else before the company that runs the scam comes to collect. 16-Find out that they made amends with a bitter enemy. They will not explain how that happened and it probably won’t last. Better make the most of it. 17-Wake up to the sound of blades, clashing against shields. Somehow, they’ve convinced a band of very violent, very unstable raiders to rally to their cause. They will riot if they don’t pillage soon. 18-Are attacked by a stranger, speaking an unknown language, perhaps as an honor duel. The stranger is very easily dispatched, which results in their mourning relatives to send out another, then another, then another, each challenger being increasingly more potent than the last. 19-Now have a robot. It’s (roll 1d4 for demeanor and 1d4 for condition): On a 1: It’s helpful / falling apart On a 2: It’s snarky / battle damaged, half powered On a 3: It’s confrontational / battered but functional On a 4: It’s mindless / fully operational 20-Open their eyes inside a coach, surrounded by strangers. They don’t know how they got there or where they are going and neither does anyone else.

[deadendtabletop]

Heard you wanted to roll up some characters

[deadendtabletop]

My homebrew race presentation rules

Source: 3.5 edition Player’s Handbook

We choose to present fantasy races in one way or another, but the idea of running every dwarf as a Scottsman or every Elf like a haughty shit never really stuck with me. This is why I chose to present the main fantasy races in my game in some different ways:

Source

Gopnik Elves

After their millenia old empires collapsed following a protracted war against the nascent kingdoms, the Elves have since been largely confined to the faded ruins of their once great cities, few venturing further away. Stuck in their dysfunctional old ways, Elven Aristocracy still believe that they ar ekings of the world, even as their people have long since resorted to trading arcane secrets for a pittance.

Elven adventurers have a short fuse and like to get in trouble, but will break a leg or two for some hard liquor and a cot.

Source: not sure, please provide is possible. Australian Drow A society largely nuilt from exiles, the Drow are content to dwell in the Underdark, disintereted by their surface kin’s plight. While they largely maintain their xenophobic ways, Drow wil ocassionally consider venturing topside to trade or raid a dungeon or two. Drow like to piss people off with their perceived superiority but can make fast friends, on very rare ocassions. They wouldn’t introduce you to their folks though.

Source

Yiddish darves

Once scattered by Elven Imperial decree, dwarves Great Houses have begun to slowly drift together, abandoning their former nomadic style. Basing their society on the restored tenets of old, they have since become more secular. In other words, you don’t have to be born a DWARF to be a Dwarf. All you have to do is live like one. Dwarves are among the more adventurous races and will go to great lengths to uncover any hint of ancient dwarven history. However, they still do retain some mistrust against the other races, especially elves.

Source New Orks

After their warlord empires dissolved, Orkish empires slowly...dissolved into human and dwarven populations, integrating over centuries. Along with Dwarves, Orks are one of the peoples that have most managed to maintain their tribal identities, even if their tradition has not entirely survived in the modern day. Also, they can make some bomb ass barbeque. Ork adventurers are always driven by the chance for something to prove and look down on cowardice. They don’t really like humans or elves but they will put up with them, for a good cause.

Source Finnish halflings

Claiming themselves as the common ancestors of elves, humans and dwarves, halflings emjpy the company of others, even if they don’t always show it. After they abandoned their old nomadic ways, they have since integrated with human  and dwarven societies. It is said that it is literally impossible for a mortal to drink a halfling under the table but the myth has not been tested yet.

Halfling adventurers like to tag along with larger groups for the hell of it and can become fast friends, if treated with respect. Not they will ever admit it outright though.

Source American Gnomes

While their outrageous Brooklyn style accent can be hard to parse, Gnomes are among the most inventive races, being the first ones to embrace magitech, in the aftermath of the Elven Empires’ collapse. They have since expanded across the length and breadth of the world, often waving their superiority around with ocassionally disastrous results.

A Gnome adventurer is usually the person that gets the party most into trouble, driven by equal parts greed and wonder. They also know when to cut off an adventure that’s going south.

[deadendtabletop]

CURRENTLY PLAYING: STAR✸HOLES

Source: https://www.amazon.com/Space-Opera-Edward-Simbalist-McGregor/dp/B000EOIYLY System: Roll for Shoes 2 million years ago, the Human Empire, the greatest stellar hegemony the Universe has ever seen, collapsed under the weight of its own barbarity and the engineered idiot plague. Only a handful of humans, trapped in a backwater deathworld remained, having become oblivious to their species’ legacy. With the Human Empire gone, the species of the Universe have enjoyed lasting peace and a steady decline, which has made their cultures and civilizations significantly weakened. Spurred by a misguided sense of righteousness, a few rogue members of the Cosmic Infant Collective abduct 3 Earth losers, and let them loose on the Universe, just to see what happens. Turns out, that was a pretty crap idea. FEATURING: -A sentient planet named George. He's an NPC.

-A race of mega-handy cow-men idiot savants. They have optimized themselves near extinction twice now. -There used to be an order of spacefaring Berzerkers. Legend has it they have drunk themselves outside of Time and occasionally manifest for trans-temporal raids. -Space Gods like to stick their noses in mortal matters. For all their power, they are actually terrible at what they do and bore easily. -Flerg is the Universe's most popular zero-grav sport. No one knows how it's supposed to be played. -Station Umlaut sits at the absolute center of the Universe, sporting the meanest buffet in existence. Some say its honey glazed shmoo is so good, it'll raise the dead. -The most powerful psions of two galaxies have been pulling their systems apart, as part of their breakup settlement.-Surtur-6 is teeming with life; so much so that its residents will pay good money for people to drive a few of its species extinct. -The deathworld Qulquian's parsec-wide quarantine has been lifted due to a clerical error. Adventurers rush to make the 48-hour window to raid its technological stores. -A Wizard Federation monolith is found drifting in space. Alien eggheads will pay good money for the find, IF you can manage to drag it to the nearest system in one piece... -A remnant of its native system's Flavorpocalypse, the Chocotastic nebula moves across the universe, devouring everything in tis path. -The Quilk are a species of quantum ninja; always present but undetectable until the moment before they pounce. Most sophonts treat them like strange pests.-The Kratoans are literal loan sharks specializing system wide identity theft. Their trained planetoid debt collectors are always on the prowl. -Across the known universe, Camembert cheese is simultaneously a gateway drug, an exotic cure-all and a mandatory food stuff. The RWC's and the Wizard Federation's Health Boards would pay a King's Ransom to the foolhardy few that could pinpoint is place of origin, long since lost to time. Some say it's from some galactic backwater, whose name starts with an 'E'...

[deadendtabletop]

(more) SYSTEM AGNOSTIC PLOT HOOKS

Source: https://www.artstation.com/artwork/BQ60m 1.The party wakes up, only to realize that parts of their bodies or organs have been...replaced in the night. Thankfully, the parts come with return addresses. 2.The players find themselves employed by a very rich entity, seeking live, monstrous specimens for their personal collection. Their demands become increasingly outrageous. 3.To their horror, the players find themselves saddled with a fan: a being of immense reality-bending power that only wants to help with catastrophic results. 4.Unbeknonwst to them, the players find themselves the subjects of an apocalyptic (but vague) prophecy. Can they handle the attention that comes with it? 5.A minor antagonist is killed by one of their players, causing their very well connected animal best friend to vow revenge. Can they find a way to sate its bloodlust or will they be forced to go up against the entire animal kingdom? 6.The players find themselves stranded in a tiny planet or other supernatural domain, where they are revered as gods. Before too long, their presence results in religious strife. Can they negotiate for peace before the tiny inhabitants annihilate themselves?

7.Smurr the cosmic bear lives a lonely existence among the stars and seeks a mate. Will you help him find true love before his planet-sized corpus throws your entire solar system out of whack? 8.The players are hired by a protective alien father to fight off any suitors that will come for his monstrous teenage daughter on the Night of Eyes. Will the players be able to fight off her wiles and the increasingly more powerful waves of would-be lovers that try to breach her father’s defenses?

9. A tiny, dismantled construct hitches onto the players for help, trying to reach an extraction point so it can return to its homeworld, while hunted by adventurers, cultists and otherworldly weirdos who want to harness its magical power. Will the players manage to pull through or will they be forced to suffer the terrible wrath of its machine brothers? 10.Faceless creatures in beige robes keep showing up in places where the players are headed to, to witness their deeds and purchase any of their discarded items at a very high price. It’s all fun and games at first, but their numbers keep growing, making them increasingly disruptive. Can the players find a way to get rid of them before things spiral completely out of control?

[deadendtabletop]

LET’S MAKE SOME SYSTEM AGNOSTIC MAGIC ITEMS

Found it here: https://io9.gizmodo.com/the-20-weirdest-dungeons-dragons-magical-items-1596482305

Itching to write some more magic items so send me your item names and I’ll give you a write-up. Then I’ll give you one and see what you can come up with. One submission per reader.

[deadendtabletop]

A SYSTEM AGNOSTIC MARTIAL ARTS STYLES POST

Source unknown, please provide if possible.  Lower Kingdom Style Practitioners of the Lower Kingdom style perfectly mimic the fighting styles of animals in the most literal sense possible (dropping on all fours and biting for dog-style, slithering on the ground and constricting enemies for Python style etc), with each form allowing them to reproduce the abilities of an animal to a point, while also significantly lowering their intelligence while they maintain the stance. Black Ingot Style Practitioners of this style have taught themselves how to turn their entire bodies into tools, with fists working as hammers, pinched fingers as wrenches as well as some resistance to fire. However, maintaining a stance reduces mobility and a Black Ingot practitioner could very much sink to the bottom of a puddle at the hands of a crafty foe. Ghost Pile Style Practitioners of this style don't actually use the Ghost Pile style. Instead, they command a group of late practitioners' ghosts, who perform the ass-kicking for them while they are largely ineffectual normies. The only way to master the Ghost Pile style is to die, which otherwise leaves you defenseless without your ghosts. Fire Leap Style Practitioners of the fire leap style deal in the subtle art of exploding stuff. They leap into the air, propelled by explosions, punch their enemies while clutching live grenades or kick comically large cartoon-style bombs at foes from a distance. This gives practitioners considerable resistance to fire and explosive damage but makes them largely ineffective without any explosives. Fateful Thread Style Fateful Thread practitioners can take down even armored foes with nothng but a ball of yarn and a handful of sewing needles. With a few swift strokes, practitioners can stich together the limbs of enemies, bind them to any surface or even sew severed limbs back into place. Despite its considerable range applications, the style is nowhere near as effective in combat as others and its practitioners are mostly pacifists. Glorious Centipede Style Practitioners of the glorious centipede style fight using nothing but a collection of limbs, gathered during their travels. From wood ersatz arms to fancy prosthetics, to the severed arms of defeated opponents, Glorious Centipede style practitioners use these limbs to rain down a flurry of blows on their opponents, arrange them in a row to use as crude grappling hooks or grapple any number of opponents at the same time. Glorious Centipede style prevents the use of other weaponry except for limbs, however and a practitioner can be, eventually, disarmed. Celestial Dwarf Style Channelling the power of the most humble of heavenly servants that uphold the dome of the sky, a practitioner can grow in height, sacrificing muscle mass to increae their range and leaping ability, or grow shorter and stockier, becoming stronger and hardier in the process. Each form has its own advantages and disadvantages and master practitioners can switch between them on the fly or transform parts of their body accordingly. Maintaining any form however, exhausts the user and leaves them vulnerable toa ttack. Slithering Clay Style Though manipulating the network of power running through their bodies, slithering clay style practitioners can manipulate their form to assume the likeness of another or transform their limbs into weapons and even move their vital organs and pressure points out of harm’s way when struck by another martial artist. However, this style makes one’s body constantly malleable, requiring practitioners to maintain their concentration in order to not slowly dissolve into a formless pile. Howling Choir Style A style developed by monks and co-opted by shifty necromancers, the Howling Choir Style was originally used to give the severed heads of the dead the voice and agency tos ettle their affairs. Now, Howling Choir Practitioners instead use the severed heads of their victims or opponents as projectiles to deliver painful bits, as a howling suit of armor that drives men insane or by using their hair as makeshift whips. Howling Choir practitioners are very widely despised and are often the targets of other martial artists and lawmen. Hell Destrier Style Developed by horse-riding nomads of the steppes during their thousand-year conflict with the inland empire, Hell Destrier Style practitioners fight off horseback at all times. By coordinating their attacks with the destructive bites and kicks of their augmented horses, practitoners deliver destructive blows on their opponents, both rider and horsefighting in perfect harmony. However, the bond between practitioner and his horse is so powerful, it makes it impossible to reproduce. In the event that either the practioner  or the horse are killed or incapacitated, the other suffers a similar fate.

[deadendtabletop]

A SYSTEM AGNOSTIC MAGIC ITEMS POST

Gemstone of renewal Considered to be a true source of immortality, the gemstone keeps the user alive by fusing with their being. As long as the gemstone remains fused to the user, they will immediately be revived by any trauma but will not regenerate any lost limbs, prevent their aging, cure diseases, purge poisons or help them recover to full health. In the event that the wielder's body is atomized, the gemstone will keep the user alive and somehow aware, until its effects are undone by an appropriately powerful magical effect. The black hand of Aver Null When Aver-Null, high deathspeaker, perished on his final battle, his body was paraded across the length and breadth of the kingdom, where his body was picked apart by the pious and the overly zealous that came to view it. These body parts were gradually incorporated into a number of magical workings and items, leaving just his blackened hand as the last remaining vestige of his mortal remains. Magical users that wish to invoke the powers of the hand of Aver Null can break away a finger to bring a single powerful necromantic effect into being or use them to incorporate into a suitably powerful artifact. At this time, its little finger and its nails are missing, presumably having already been used by an industrious adept. Ever-Hammer This blacksmith’s hammer allows the user to create masterwork armour and weapons, even if they have never worked metal before. The catch? Once they start they cannot stop. Ever. After claiming the lives of its first few users the hammer was hidden away, to prevent further loss of life. However it was eventually uncovered and put to use once again. However this time its owner is a cruel slave master, who forces disobedient or otherwise useless slaves to use it, to milk as much possible profit out of them before they inevitably perish. The blade encarmine Despite its name, the blade encarmine is not in itself a weapon but instead an intelligent curse that infects its wielder's blood. When the blad encarmine wishes to assist its user, its shoots out of the wielder's body, taking the shape of a magical weapon that is appropriate to their situation which can harm even magiacally augmented creatures or otherworldly beings. This harms the wielder considerably and could tear older wounds. The blade, however, is also affected by its host's emotions while possessing a sort of intelligence and could lash out at someone that draws the host's ire or even attack a friend that attempts to remove it. In the event of the wielder's death, the blade can renaimate the body for a limited time, until it can infect a new host. Navel of Worlds A small grey pebble, looks like nothing really. Is much heavier than it appears. It can be used once a year to open up a portal to another plane of existence, and must then be given to a stranger on that plane for it to work again next year. The portal will be open for anyone of the opener’s choosing, until the next dawn. The Aeon Vambrace An ancient artifact of immense power, the Aeon Vambrace offers complete invlulnerability to its wearer's forearms and them alone, leaving the rest of the body susceptible to harm. This aspect has caused the rumor of an Aeon set of armor to exist, which makes the wearer functionally invincible and grants them a number of extraordinary powers as well. While there is no truth to these rumors, seekers of the set will often try to steal or gain ownership of the Vambraces, hoping that this will somehow unearth the remaining parts of the artifact. Amulet of Roses Created by an ancient order of assassins against a group of vampiric tyrants, the Amulet of Roses makes the user's blood and fluids highly caustic to any undead being. Prolonged use of the Amulet can cause the wearer to "flower", with rose-like growths blossoming over wounds, up to roots sprouting from their heels, rooting them to the spot. Any wearer that dies while wearing it will explosively blossom into a rose bush, the blossoms and wood of which repel the undead. The candle of dawn Seemingly mundane, the candle of dawn burns with a different magical fire depending on the spoken command word: The first causes a blade of silvery flame to whip out of the wick, grievously harming creatures of the night and the undead. The second command word causes the candle to shed an ord of bluish light that repels demonic and otherworldly entities. The third command word causes the candle to release a burst of golden light, instantly undoing any nearby illusions. Any use significantly consumes the wax of the candle, which is irreplaceable. Some say that it is the last remaining part of an ancient safegard against the Night Court, but those warnings go largely unheeded. Folly Intelligence-eating invaders from another plane of existence, the Folly disguise themselves as magical items of considerable power and appear to be so at first glance. Wearers that wield of use the Folly become absolutely convinved that these items are the real deal and will rationalize why an effect may have failed in any way possible, except by blaming the Folly itself. The effect persists until the Folly has turned he user into a helpless bumbling idiot, at which point it leads its weilder to a convenient position and consumes them, fueling their transformation to their next form to lure a new victim. Logovos An ancient Elvish long bow, said to be the first bow of the summer court. The wood is always blooming with small flowers and smells of long summer day. Legend says the wielder of the bow has the right to challenge for the seat of summer and rule the court. A Vorpal Sword named Pookie The last word to remain from the deadly lexicon of a forgotten civilization, Pookie is an intelligent sword reprusposed from an enchanted executioner's axe. While the sword remains as lethal as ever, with the ability to even cut through magical barriers with minimal effort, it is very much embarassed of its name (which it is compelled to utter when asked) and will avoid speaking unless circumstances force it to. Bagful of heads Used by necromancers to complete spells requiring skulls, or other parts of a humanoid head. Works like a Bag of Holding, in that the user can request a specific part of the head, and heads will not rot while inside the bag. Bagful of Heads will not be able to be used by anyone without an Evil alignment, and will use teeth at the opening of the bag to bite hands of non-Evil PCs attempting to use the Bagful of Heads. Heads must be furnished to the bag by the Evil PC, if a particular type of humanoid head is needed. Also useful for bounty hunters. Holds up to 50 regular sized human-type heads, or 10 Giant-sized heads. Bag remains the weight of one human head, no matter how full. If the bag becomes empty, a new head must be provided in 24 hrs, or the empty Bagful of Heads will attempt to eat the owner's head in one yawning bite once per hour until a new head is found for the bag. Signet Ring of Chaos Intended for use by michievous individuals or agents of Chaos, the signet ring will always create the illusion of the user possessing a rank that will more effectively allow them to spread dissent. When used to seal a document, the seal will not only produce an almost perfect replica of the intended seal but will alter the sealed document for maximum discord. These effects remain in place as long as the signet ring is worn and persist even after the wielder has perished. When a new wielder tries the ring, the events 'reshuffle', making them excellent choices for destroying historical or other records. These effects are beyond the agent's control however and may shift, often putting their own lives or missions at risk in the process. Collapsible Hive karak of Tammaz was an eccentric even amoungst enchanters. This however was one of his great breakthroughs. It is a golden figurine of a bee, about 4 inches long and immaculately detailed. When a woman who has had children wipes the figurines eyes with honey, it comes alive and multiplies into thousands of copies of itself, made of golden light. In the next hour, they will make a beehive that is about 20 feet tall and 50 feet wide from golden light and local materials. The person who activated the bee, anyone she touches on the eyes with honey, and any of her family or lovers will be welcomed and protected by the magical bee constructs, and fed a nourishing but sickly sweet honey. Anyone else who comes near will be viciously attacked. The next day the bees will industriously take the hive apart, and return bact to the initial figurine. The Reaper’s Mask A featurless sheet mask that covers the entirety of the wearer's face, the Reaper's Mask allows them to converse with the dead and interact with ghotly presences, as long as the user makes sure to dip the Reaper's Mask in blood regularly. However, the Mask attracts predators from the afterlife as well as overly ambitious necromancers, not to mention the original Reaper, who doesn;t appreciate the fact that their mask has been misplaced. Picky the Lockpick A lockpick once wielded by a legendary thief, picky instantly undoes any lock with minimal effort, up to and including magical locks, arcane barriers or metaphorical locks, like repressed memories or past lives. However, Picky ocassionally requires venting by its wielder. Failure to do so results in an explosive lockpick that undoes any kind of binding, attunements or containment measures within a very large area with possibly catastrophic results. Wizard burger Made of real ancient wizard (supposedly). The pickles humm and crackle, and the cheese whispers. When consumed, gain 100 temporary hit points, +12 to AC, and a faint onion aroma. Spell fades after four hours, and the eater of said burger gains poisoned status for another four hours. This can not be removed my magical means. If a non-wizard eats it, nothing happens.

Horn of doom or glory (1 remaining charge)     The horn was a gift from a god saddened by the deaths in a battle. It has been coveted by armies in dire situations snd changed the fate of many great events. When one blows the horn, the mightiest member of the opposition is magically compelled to enter into a duel with the user. No one else will have the strength to intervene. The winner of this duel turns the entire coflict in their favour, and the god curses the losers. The losing side's strength flees them. Their morale breaks. They become lambs to the slaughter. The scarlet standard Once the shroud of a child-king, whose mother attempted to resurrect in defiance of the gods, after he was tragically slain in his very first battle, the scarlet standard has the power to restore the dead to life but at the risk of incurring the gods' wrath. Any dead person wrapped with the standard will return to the land of the living but will be plagued by vermin, find that the earth they step upon is blighted or inexplicably drive those he meets into fits of rage. However, they will find that they are far more capable of placating the undead or the damned, who will consider them kindred spirits, of sorts. While this does not alter the resurrected person's character, it may very well cause them to cross paths with previously friendly and more pious champions they might have thought as friends. The forgotten prince's crown The most prized possession in the Beggar Lord's hoard, the Forgotten Prince's Crown allows the wearer to assume the form of a noble warrior, his name and deeds lost to history and time. While wearing the crown, the wearer is whisked away to a pocket realm, where their body is mended of its ails and wounds and they are pampered by beutiful otherworldly presences. While in the pocket dimension, they assume the role of the forgotten prince, walking in a perfectly sculted body and speaking with a voice that commands even the bests of the field into submission. They are returned back home the next day and while their wounds remain healed, their chronic ailments return within the next few hours, the experience lingering in their minds during the weeks it takes the crown to recharge. Archbeatous, the Geomancers Warhammer An enchanted menhir infused with a trapped elemental, Archbeatous guards the entrance to the Sepulchre of the Old One, smashing any grave robbers or cultist that venture to close to the UR-god. During the centuries, archbeatous has picked up a number of songs and can be heard humming a jig while smashing invaders to bits. A small cult of roving strongmen have also gathered around the Archbeatous, which enjoys the company as they use it to measure their strength against each other. Pickled Seer This seer that has been pickled can be consumed for temporary ability to see A) into the future B) a remote location or person or C) a person’s or object’s past. Bardoon's Instant Transposer This small silver box with engraved with caterpillar and butterfly imagery looks like it would only hold an item no larger than a fist, however the enchantment allows it to hold much more, similar to a bag of holding. unlike a bag of holding though, this item allows you to imprint an object using a command word, thereafter any objects you put in the box should they be made of the same materials, will be transposed into the shape of the imprinted object, for example, if one imprints a longsword to the boxes memory and then tosses in some steel wood and leather, they would be able to pull an exact replica of the imprinted object. Morgan’s Perilous Oddity The item always remains hidden, either obscured by a veil, stashed away in a box or hidden inside a bag. While in this state, the item is impossible to describe. Those exposed to the item are unwilling to do so and any attempts to divine its nature or specifics always result in failure. Exposing the item to another living, intelligent being always results in an extreme, catastrophic reaction: some fall to their knees at the sight of it, while others will go berserk and attempt to destroy it or the wielder. There appears ot be no connecting thread or means to deinfe what results in these reactions. After having been exposed, the item will obscure itself once again, inside another container or via other means. Book of the Mother A book of children’s stories and nursery rhymes that when read aloud to a small child at dusk will cause the child to be comforted and sleep soundly. The child is also bound to the reader for ever and will be at a disadvantage to disobey requests made by the reader until the enchantment is broken.

[deadendtabletop]

Pedal to the Starmetal

Source: https://www.artstation.com/artwork/oOVXzB

System: Probably RISUS. Risus goes with everything Premise: As the heat death of the universe draws ever closer, a small number of adventurers undertake their final great journey, across the failing Thelema network, toward the ruins of the old Throneworld of Earth and into another reality. The catch? It’s said that the final gateway requires a rainbow key, admitting only a single subject beyond its borders...

[deadendtabletop]

SING A SONG OF RUST

Source unknown, please let me know System: Monsters and Other Childish Things PREMISE: In the tiny dead end mountain town of Orsonville, a group of childrena nd their monstrous friends must fight against the True Believers Club, a cult of nostalgic reality bending adults, intending to sacrifice reality to invading, unknowable gods.