diaryofiwrite

[diaryofiwrite]

How to tell if you are emotionally abusive

I feel we talk about signs of abuse from the victims standpoint but not from the abusers standpoint. In order to stop emotional abuse and recognize when we engage in unhealthy behaviors I made this list.

Do you react to important people in your life by ignoring them completely and not acknowledging their presence? Especially if they do something you don’t like?

Do you feel that your partner/friends/family members are the cause of your bad moods or frustration?

Does your partner/etc “do things the wrong way”?

Do criticize your partner/etc for being unreliable or a bad person?

Do you feel you have to constantly overlook your partners flaws in order to be around them?

Are you frequently accused of being “moody” or “hard to please”?

Do your partners complain that “nothing they do is good enough?

Do your partners appear to avoid you when you are angry or upset rather then comfort you?

Do you negatively comment on their intelligence or appearence? Either in private or in front of others.

Do you blame them when someone goes wrong?

Do you ever use phrases like “I could just hit you right now” or “I”m so mad I could punch something”?

Do you ever punch walls/throw things in front of your partner/etc?

Do you leave during fights and not inform of where you are going and when you will be back?

Do you behave the same alone with your partner that you do if you were in front of your friends or in public?

Have you frequently accused your partner of being too sensitive?

How often is your partner praised and complimented by yourself?

Do you think your partner spends too much time with friends and family?

Do you feel your partners friends and family are trying to drive you apart?

Do you actively comfort your partner when they are upset or angry even if you don’t really understand why they feel the way they do?

If your partner brings up a behavior that bothers them do you respond by discussing how to change it or do you respond defensively?

Do you have difficulty apologizing?

All of these things are abuse tactics. Obviously even the healthiest of us will do these sometimes but if any one becomes a regular habit that’s when the problem starts.

[diaryofiwrite]

I love you but I'll never tell you. I'll just show you, silently that... There is no happiness without me. As much as we differ, our hearts are purely the same. Stuck in this moment, I never want to leave.

[diaryofiwrite]

I love you.

no you don't.

[diaryofiwrite]

I love you.

How? Why? I don't believe you. To love someone... truly isn't to let go without word. It isn't to stop caring. it isn't to push someone to the back burner.

You don't love me. You just think you do.

I love you - no you don't.

[diaryofiwrite]

There is a certain level of frustration that consumes me when someone I consider a great asset to my life treats me like shit. I can almost guarantee if I wasn't trying to live a better life or walk with God, I would've flipped long ago. No one deserve to be spoken to with such an aggressive tone. No one deserve to be mistreated. And for anyone to think that things like that are not ok, then they aren't your friend. *kanye shrug*

[diaryofiwrite]

ugh... so I was just looking for scripture in the bible, only to find out my bible is trash :( that really hurt my feelings. I had a personal attachment to this bible.. It was the first one I had ever purchased... only to find out 3 years later that the version I have doesn't have the whole truth in it. I was looking for the "fall of Lucifer" which should be Isaiah 14:12 My sister told me that is the only scripture in the Bible that names him Lucifer vs Satan or the Devil. My bible doesn't have his name. That scripture does talk about the down fall.. but the person isn't named. I feel mislead and manipulated.. Time to order the right book!

[diaryofiwrite]

Tug Of War Andy Mineo Ft/ Krizz Kaliko Mama praying for me, grandma praying for me Satan preying on me, Jesus waiting on me Cause I been straddling the fence, it’s time to make decisions I been thinking ‘bout heaven lately, don’t think I’ll get in Cause I been going back and forth I love the way I’m living But I hate it at the same time cause I know I’m sinning And I don’t wanna be like them hypocritical Christians So I stay away from Jesus completely ‘til I’m ready to give Him Everything, but that seems like it’ll never happen My girl coming over later, you know what’s about to happen Then after smashing I’m sitting there asking If eternity in Hell is worth some moments of your satisfaction Man I’m so back and forth [Hook: Krizz Kaliko] Back and forth like a tug of war (yeah) Cause I’ve been fighting for my life like Tryna get my life right And I really want more I don’t know, back and forth like a tug of war And I been fighting for control and fighting for my soul and This is war, it’s a tug of war [Verse 2] I got two choices, both require pain One’s the pain of change and the pain of staying the same One of ‘em leads to joy, other one leads to shame One of ‘em leads to freedom, the other keeps me in chains I wear a cross and give You thanks for my blessings, ain’t that enough? Why you want everything? Can’t you leave this part of my life untouched? I thought following You meant I only had to say yes once Now everyday I wake up You give me some cross to take up You really want me to break up with my girl? Nah that’s too much I know what’s best for me, You don’t understand my complexities See, I gotta make a living so don’t ask where my checks come from I hear You talking, I ain't gone numb I know I’m in the dark and I gotta find my way to the Son Cause You’re calling on my name and I know I can’t run But I feel so back and forth [Hook] [Verse 3] A trail of broken hearts, a man full of regrets The thrill has left, the empty promises of sin sets You wanna put treasure inside my hands but You cease Cause they’re clamped, holding on to sins I won’t release I don’t know how to start loving You and stop doing what I’m doing If I gain You tell me what I’m really losing You have to change me in my sin, I never choose Him My heart needs to see something greater than what I’m pursuing so Is it true that You give rest to the weary? Can you accept and repair me, do you hear me? It’s so clearer now, it’s painfully apparent that I can’t have my sin and my Savior, they’re not for sharing Anything that I lose to follow you is not a loss My girlfriend, my friends, my money, even my job But sometimes I believe the lie That God don’t provide for His child when they obey, that’s so cray You calling me to freedom, I think that it’s time to walk I don’t see every step but the next is out of the dark I’m the filthiest of them all but I’m Yours if you wash me From that sin by the blood of that cross, I’m yours

[diaryofiwrite]

When I woke up next to you

You've known me since I was about 10. We moved away and in the last 11 years, I've seen you 4 times... Including this morning.

When I woke up next to you.

Yet I saw someone new. Someone whose spirit tells me what I want to hear. at least that is what my fear tells me.

You're curls took over the pillows. Your lean body wrapped around me. And your arms held me with such protection.

I recall you whispering "as long as I wake up with you in my arms".. and while the fear in me says - GAS GAS GAS - the hopeless romantic melts.

When I woke up next to you, I lost my vision because all I could see as you; a possible forever asleep so peacefully.

When I woke up next to you and got ready for work, as you slept a few more minutes - I stared at you through the mirror. I stood in silence and watched you take gentle breaths. I couldn't resist myself and softly bit your forearm to disrupt your rest. I needed your eyes. I need to see YOU and see if you saw ME.

When I woke up next to you, I stared at your almond eyes and long lashes. Your faded facial hair. Your thinly defined lips.

When I woke up next to you I saw a possibility of forever but my fear caused me to jump out of be not looking back for one second.

When I woke up next to you, I realized I had met my new battle.

[diaryofiwrite]

there are but so many times that you can cry wolf before a muzzle gets put on you.

[diaryofiwrite]

Baby Ooo baby baby, baby ooo um baby oh baby [1st Verse (Natalie Talking)] We need to um talk about where We're taking this thing. How far we're gonna let this go. We've been here before. Its getting late. [Chorus 1 (Marsha Singing)] It's getting late. Why you gotta be here? Beside me. Watching, needing, wanting me. I'm afraid, (Don't Be) I'm afraid, (Don't Be) I'm so scared that you'll hurt me, twice. Baby, oh baby baby baby [2nd Verse (Natalie Talking)] Listen, I've already been thinking about you on my mind. Far too often for you, To be here at this time You see, one hands on nine and the other's on my thigh. Look, I already played with the idea of you Being here in the mornin And the position for the crack of dawn And the conversation before the yawning But aah, it's getting late. [Chorus 2 (Marsha Singing)] It's getting late. Why you gotta be here? Beside me. Watching, needing, wanting me. But I'm afraid, (you say) don't be. But I'm afraid, (you say) don't be. I'm so scared that you'll hurt me twice. Oh Baby baby baby [2nd Verse (Natalie Talking)] How's about I let you touch the space. That you left behind, The day that you stop smiling The day that the tears started falling But now were talking, touching Almost making sensual again We can taste the familiar, Cause, the family hour supports it. Of this moment, but was led by the movements cause ah It's getting late. [Chorus 3 (Marsha Singing)] It's getting late. Why you gotta be here? Beside me. Watching, needing, wanting me. But I'm afraid, (you say) don't be. But I'm afraid, (you say) don't be. I'm so scared that you'll hurt me twice. Oh Baby baby baby Oh baby twice baby baby. [3nd Verse (Natalie Talking)] I see the memories we replayed Same space face bodies I know there's a method to your manliness but ah I'm a afraid [Chorus 3 (Marsha Singing)] It's getting late. Why you gotta be here? Beside me. Watching, needing, wanting me. But I'm afraid, you say don't be. But I'm afraid, and you say don't be. I'm afraid that you'll gonna hurt me baby, baby twice baby [Ending Chorus 4] I see the memories replayed, same space, same place Same bodies baby I know this method to your manliness But I'm afraid, babe I see the memories replayed, same space, same place Same bodies baby I know this method to your manliness But I'm afraid, baby

[diaryofiwrite]

The power in healing, forgiveness & most important God! We love so many of the wrong people.. Sooooo hard!!! Only to be left broken and second guessing ourselves... Can you imagine if you loved the right person? That hard? How happy you'd be? Oh man!!! I await the man that God has for me... That's my #MCM 😍😍😍 he don't even know it! 💋

[diaryofiwrite]

It's crazy how I fall in love with you every time I see you. Every time I am reminded of your imperfects yet can't help but smile. It's crazy that so many people wanna see you, because the world knows you... But whenever we're face to face, you make me feel as if you're here for my pleasure.

[diaryofiwrite]

I would give anything to be at the end or beginning of this.

[diaryofiwrite]

Boundaries

It is hard to set boundaries with people you've been friends with, for years. We become so accustomed to dealing with friends a certain way that when they decide they are not ok with it, we freak out instead of trying to respect their choices.

  I told a friend of mine that the way she spoke to me was harsh and mean... and that if she decided not to change the way she expressed herself to me, then I'd limit the things I share with her - out of protection for my heart...

  While I thought she would be mature enough to understand where I am coming from, she responded with immature childlike tit for tat ways. it became very frustrating especially when she said she is knowledgeable of the way she deals with me because she's trying to get me to grow up.

I was appalled but then realized if I continued this conversation I am no more mature or better than she is.

  Removing yourself from situations is much harder than it seems.

Sometimes it is essential to think because you react just to save yourself the headache. it isn't always worth it!

[diaryofiwrite]

The love I look forward to experiencing. Such a beautiful thing. <3

Lenny Williams - 'Cause I Love you

Girl, you know I love you No matter what you do And I hope you understand me Every word I say is true, 'cause I love you' Baby, I'm thinkin' of you Tryin' to be more of a man for you And I don't have much of riches But we gonna see it through, 'cause I love you Some men need lots of women For their passions to feel But I want only you, girl If it's in, if it's in, if it's in Lord's will, 'cause I, 'cause I love you I, I, I love you, baby With all my heart and soul, oh, oh, oh I love you I need you I want you I need you Oh, oh, oh, your love makes me grow stronger It keeps goin' on, oh, baby, I'm glad I found you I just love to be around you, oh, baby You've been so good to me, oh, baby, oh, oh, oh You know, one time things got so bad until I had to go to one of my friends and talk to him And I told him, I said, "You know I'm having problems with the woman that I love It seems that I call her on the phone and I, I just can't get her to answer And then I went to her house and I saw a car parked in the driveway I knocked on the door, but still my knocks went unanswered And then I went home and I, I watched television until television went off And then I played my records until I just didn't want to hear them Anymore and finally I went to bed But I found myself waking up a few hours later And the tears were running down my face" And my friend told me He said, "Lenny, you just oughta forget about her" But I told my friend, I said, "You know, maybe you've never been in love Like I've been in love, and maybe you've never felt the things that I've felt" But this is what I told my friend I said, "You know, sometimes you get lonely You get lonely, you get lonely" Oh, oh, oh and I cry, I cry Oh, oh, oh And the tears would fill up in the wells, in the wells of my eyes, oh baby And then it got so bad, it got so bad Till one time I thought I'd roll myself up in a big ol' ball and die And then I met you, darlin' and you smiled at me Oh, oh, it was such a pretty smile, yes, it was And you reached out your hand You helped me, you helped me, you helped, oh I'm glad, baby, I'm glad, baby, oh, oh, oh, baby I won't ever leave you, baby, I won't ever grieve you, baby I'm gonna love you, oh, oh, oh, baby I'm glad, I'm glad, baby Oh, oh, yeah, baby, oh, oh, oh I love you, I love you I love you, I love you, oh I love you, I love you I love you, I love you I love you, I love you I love you 

[diaryofiwrite]

separation

The best thing I could've done was create a separate blog for my inner thoughts and breakdowns. I've learned over time that most of the people that inquire - don't really care.

[diaryofiwrite]

Bad positioning

Expression.. Verbalizing ones thoughts.. Some that were processed, others that are brain farts.. Though a safe place, expression can be scary.. Especially if you didn’t ask for the platform. Bad timing. Bad positioning. And an explosion can occur. Depending on how much was left inside, it can either be detrimental to a relationship or helpful.

In this case.. It was worse than the Big Bang theory.

I write to you from the discomfort and seclusion of my bed. Where I was given a platform to express, that I didn’t ask for. Everyone has a method in which they prefer to handle their ordeals, when taken out of the comfortable equation- chaos happens.

  -- never finished (03/03/14 3am)