dilemma-ed

[dilemma-ed]

kevin gets a lot of shit but since it’s his birthday let’s talk about the queen of exy

people tend to forget how much kevin has gone through and talk more about what neil and andrew endured

but upon his mother’s death, kevin wasn’t given a chance to really process his grief, being thrown directly into the raven’s nest, into the path of riko and tetsuji who’d never give him that chance, who’d physically and emotionally abuse him for years to come

from that point, he was told he needed to perform well in exy, told that nothing else was important, that he had no business caring about even his studies, was told there’s be consequences if he didn’t

so he threw himself headlong into the only thing he knew, the only thing he had left that reminded him of his mother: exy. he built his life around it, allowed it to become his center, his driving force, his crutch, his escape

exy was the only thing that could make kevin feel something, make him feel alive

it was the only way kevin could avoid the physical abuse the others endured

it was something he was good at—something he had to be good at

until he was too good

and then not even exy was safe

because, at the end of the day, riko tried to take that away too. he’d been jealous enough of kevin to want to destroy the only thing he truly cared about, to take away the one thing that provided him with release—with regimen, to do the one thing that kevin might never recover from

but he did

he not only taught himself to play with his right hand, but retrained himself to play with his left once it healed to show himself that he could, to show riko that he had no claim over his life anymore

he covered his tattoo, voiding out the title riko had given him, the place he was meant to maintain but not surpass

instead, he became the greatest exy player of all time

instead, he found a home and people to lean on

he found a family

so yeah kevin’s obsessive and he’s flawed but he’s strong and human

happy birthday to the queen long may he reign

[dilemma-ed]

Jerejean one-shot live now on AO3!

I've awoken from my years-long hibernation with more aftg, only this time it's jerejean.

It's my first foray into these two, but after reading tgr I couldn't help but put something together.

This one-shot contains canon-typical violence, abuse, and trauma.

Link:

sit on the couch and think about (how living's just a promise that I made) by dilemmaed

Description:

Jean sucked in a low breath, fighting against the twitch of his fingers and Jeremy’s grip. He wanted to look away from Jeremy. It was all too much.

He felt exposed and this was too close to something dangerous, something he couldn’t have but desperately wanted. Not with the memory of Grayson’s teeth fresh in his mind. But something inside of him couldn’t dare turn away from the man who saw right to the very truth of Jean Moreau and didn’t flinch.

-

In which Jean wakes from a nightmare and Jeremy is there to hold him.

[dilemma-ed]

Love jean talking about his misplaced forever partner 💕

[dilemma-ed]

(tgr spoilers ahead)

the dynamic/parallels between jean and andrew in tgr absolutely kill me

the "tell me his name" scene just means so much to me and it just evokes every bit of andrew's protectiveness, the implicit trauma-induced reaction that he had in tfc, when he pins nicky against the wall and threatens to kill him if he touches neil

jean sees andrew as he is, even if he doesn't entirely understand him. he can see his thought process better than, say, nicky, who abides by andrew's rules without quite understanding or caring to know why, only that the consequences of not doing such are deadly

despite having barely said a word to him prior, jean is able to pinpoint the exact thing to say to convince andrew to quit smoking with a single sentence: promising him that one day, when someone comes for neil, he won't be able to save him

and then someone does come for neil—and comes for him—but all andrew can see past his pain is neil, lying unmoving on the court floor before he can reach him and he knows that jean is right

jean implicitly understands the lengths to which andrew would go to protect neil, would likely understand the necessity for tilda's death and his promise to aaron

for the first time in his life, jean has people he cares about and covets the power to protect them. he knows how fragile and gentle it is, how brutal it is when that choice to do so is taken away

he couldn't save elodie, hadn't wanted to save kevin, but for once, he had something like hope within his grasp and he didn't want to let go

[dilemma-ed]

so we all know how andreil share clothes right? here's my take on that:

neither of them are really sure when it started but it sort of becomes a casual thing between them

if andrew were putting on a wash, neil might throw in a shirt, and that shirt makes its way into andrew's dresser, might make its way onto andrew's body

andrew tends to run cold, so more often than not, he’s dressed in layers

and if, when getting dressed, he happens to throw on a sweatshirt that neil had left on his bunk that morning, then so be it

he’d deny it if anyone asked with a bored, cold stare

but andrew becomes particularly attached to one of neil's older palmetto hoodies, worn-in and smelling like neil's cheap detergent

it's unfortunately also one of neil's favorites, one of the few items of clothing he has an emotional attachment to

but there’s just something about seeing andrew wearing it, wearing this worn-out orange sweatshirt with torn hems that makes him melt just a little bit

but when andrew graduates and goes onto play pro, he packs some of neil’s clothes with his own

if anyone were to ask, this was by accident, a product of living in the same space for so long, but neil knew the truth even if he didn't voice it

andrew would deny it, even to him

but he left the sweatshirt behind

it was a stupid, ratty thing and it didn't matter and neil should have thrown it in the trash years ago anyway

but a few weeks after he leaves palmetto, andrew gets a package from neil

in it, is the sweatshirt, along with a note from neil

"you forgot something," it read

andrew silently raised the percentage, hands clutched around the fabric, trying to ignore the disturbing twist in his stomach that felt something like affection

[dilemma-ed]

New Wolfstar One Shot Live NOW

I've just posted my first ever Wolfstar one shot, titled Tristitia, on AO3!

This one shot covers some heavy themes, as it follows Remus as he attempts to grapple with his grief and lingering feelings for Sirius in a post-Halloween 1981 world.

Please go check it out and let me know what you think! If you enjoy it please don't hesitate to let me know what you think with comments or kudos; I love hearing from my readers!

Link:

AO3

Excerpt:

Despite everything—despite how wrong it was—Remus wanted nothing more than to fold himself in Sirius' arms, for the man he loved to tell him that everything was going to be alright the way he had so many times before.

Because, though he was the source of Remus' suffering, of James and Lily’s demise, he couldn’t help but love Sirius. It was something that was painful to admit, something that he knew he might never be able to say aloud, something that made him feel gross and shameful.

But the simple fact was this: Remus still loved Sirius because he didn’t know how not to love him, how not to miss him, no matter how much his insides riled against it.

Because he did miss him. Deeply.

For many years, there would not be a night that he didn’t dream of Sirius, that he didn’t reach out blindly in the bed they once shared in search of a familiar warmth, that he did not look up at the night sky and search for its brightest star. Nor a full moon where the Wolf did not look for its companion, when it did not howl in anguish at the loss of its pack.

[dilemma-ed]

New Wolfstar One Shot Live NOW

I've just posted my first ever Wolfstar one shot, titled Tristitia, on AO3!

This one shot covers some heavy themes, as it follows Remus as he attempts to grapple with his grief and lingering feelings for Sirius in a post-Halloween 1981 world.

Please go check it out and let me know what you think! If you enjoy it please don't hesitate to let me know what you think with comments or kudos; I love hearing from my readers!

Link:

AO3

Excerpt:

Despite everything—despite how wrong it was—Remus wanted nothing more than to fold himself in Sirius' arms, for the man he loved to tell him that everything was going to be alright the way he had so many times before.

Because, though he was the source of Remus' suffering, of James and Lily’s demise, he couldn’t help but love Sirius. It was something that was painful to admit, something that he knew he might never be able to say aloud, something that made him feel gross and shameful.

But the simple fact was this: Remus still loved Sirius because he didn’t know how not to love him, how not to miss him, no matter how much his insides riled against it.

Because he did miss him. Deeply.

For many years, there would not be a night that he didn’t dream of Sirius, that he didn’t reach out blindly in the bed they once shared in search of a familiar warmth, that he did not look up at the night sky and search for its brightest star. Nor a full moon where the Wolf did not look for its companion, when it did not howl in anguish at the loss of its pack.

[dilemma-ed]

Andrew is the kind of guy to break into someones house unnoticed and steal all the batteries out of everything, shift the furniture two inches to the left and only steal every third bottle of alcohol to confuse and trouble the homeowner for eternity, whereas Neil is the kind of person to break into someones house with a hammer and smash everything inside because fuck you. Not sure where I was going with this but…

[dilemma-ed]

what do I gotta do to get someone to draw andrew and neil in their matching winter coats

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I made some memes to rejuvenate my page because this bitch DEAD

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I refuse to believe that Neil, at some point, didn’t pull the “I’m taller than you” card to get Andrew to do something.

I also refuse to believe that Andrew didn’t punch him in the stomach and then tell him, deadpan, “Not anymore.” when Neil kneeled over.

[dilemma-ed]

🦊🔥🦊

[dilemma-ed]

andrew trying to reach for something on a high shelf and neil coming up behind him and grabbing it with ease

andrew scowls at neil before snatching it out of his hand, making a mental note to add three more to the percentage

one for every inch neil is taller than him

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neil falling asleep on andrew’s shoulder during a long bus ride

that’s all

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So I’ve been scared to post this one bc it’s one of my favorite drawing sets I’ve done but I’m prepared now for the possibility of people not liking it the way I do and that’s okay.

[dilemma-ed]

[dilemma-ed]

sometimes I remember I have an unfinished one shot of wymack’s funeral and I make myself upset