dustfeel

[dustfeel]

𝐓𝐨𝐨 𝐂𝐥𝐨𝐬𝐞 𝐭𝐨 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐒𝐮𝐧 (Icarus/Anti Tulpar AU)

Summary

Life at the Icarus was never easy, everyone seem to be at edge, just waiting to snap and push people around because they feel like it, they've been working together for years though the loathing only gets bigger. Now, things may be getting worse, of course it was a matter of time before Curly got tired of the crew and crashed the ship, and everyone else is losing it.

(Anti Tulpar/Icarus AU created by Cosmospaghetti on X. OC content, don't like don't read, it's first pov though, so can be read as reader too. Will follow the storytelling of the game but include a bit of my own headcanons.)

Chapter 9. 4 𝐦𝐨𝐧𝐭𝐡𝐬 𝐚𝐟𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐜𝐫𝐚𝐬𝐡

— ★ —

I am sitting in the lounge room, at the dining table. Right now, I'm just enjoying my mouthwash, the bitterful taste bring me a moment of peace that I haven't felt in a long time.

I take a single sip from the bottle, and by a sip I mean I chugged down at least half of it in a long gulp. Letting the dizzy sensation consume me, I take a look at the big monitor in the lounge's living room, the screen is stuck in a sunrise since the crash, and Anya is dancing in front of it.

The dance, even if it's beautiful and hipnotizing, is also really dangerous if you consider she don't let go of her sharp axe. She's killing it with these moves though, and the music is not that bad despite the fact it is playing on repeat for hours.

"You're thinking about drinking it, Miyuki?" Swansea's voice startle me, startle me bad. My heart jumped for a second before I realize it's just him. "Already did, this is my third bottle." He nodded, but I notice the slight worry on his face. "Right, just don't drown yourself on it. Also, I went to check on Curly and noticed his painkillers are almost over, in a few days we'll have nothing to deal with his pain."

"Really? That's weird, we had a good amount last time I checked." I let my mind work for a while, then my mind finally come up with a solution. "I've been thinking, not all medicine was in my office, a good part was in the storage locker at the hallway. It's all foamed up now, but if we cut through the foam in an angle that don't hit the ship, we'll have meds for months."

"That's wonderful! Let me do it, not to be mean but you're too drunk right now, I'm afraid you'll accidentally send us all in the space void." Swansea says as a joke, the half-truth underlying it is clear though. "Haha, don't worry, it's true. Anya have the axe, you could try to convice her to give it to you, I'm sure she won't mind."

Just then, the chair beside me creaks with the movement of someone pulling it. Me and Swansea turn our heads to see who it is, it was Daisuke, and the moment I turned to him he immediately laid his head on my shoulder and wrapped his arms around me. "You're drunk." Is the first thing I say to him. "Daisuke, are you okay? Do you need water?" Swansea asked, his eyebrows furrowing in concern.

"It's none of your business, old man." Daisuke replied harshly, too harsh for my taste. "Daisuke." I say in a warning tone, what get a small pout out of him. "Sorry, Swansea. I don't want water, but thank you." He said, now in a soft tone. "It's okay, kiddo. I'll go talk to Anya, go easy on the drinks, you two."

Swansea left after that, walking towards Anya who's still dancing. He's always so nice and collected, even if we're all assholes sometimes. "Miyuki?" Daisuke snap my attention back to reality. "Yes?" I say, putting an arm around him and pulling him even closer. "Are you happy with me?" The question caught me off guard, I can't even form an answer.

"As in, are you with me out of pity? You're always so distant, especially when I try to be close to you." He explains. "Dai, you're the last person I'd pity. And don't call me distant." I put some distance between our bodies. "Right, I forgot to not use that word, my bad. But, see, this is what I'm talking about! I start talking about feelings and you suddenly pull away." Daisuke take a sip from his own bottle of mouthwash.

Alright, okay, this is when we break the cycle or something like that, right? "Look, I'm new to this relationship thing, we both are, and I don't want to make you feel like you can't talk to me without me pushing you away. C'mon, I can do that, tell me what got you sentimental today." I know it's not much, but it's a start.

"Just thinking about my mom, about us. I wonder if she misses me." Daisuke let out a sigh. It really pains me to see him like that, he seems so sad. I shyly open my arms and offer him a hug, he don't hesitate to accept and rest his head on my chest. "She definitely miss you, and she'll be so happy when you're back."

"For certain, when we're back I'll want to show you off to her. I'll cook a nice dinner for us so I can introduce you properly." He says with a smile. "Fine, but then we'll fly to France for you to meet my dad." We're so caught up on our own world that we don't even cared that Anya smashed the sunrise monitor. We saw, yes, but we didn't mind at that moment.

"We'll get out of this. Then, we'll have our own restart, together." Daisuke scoots closer to me, closing his eyes. In that moment, that was enough, hold him was enough, we didn't say out loud, but the intimacu we shared spoke for itself. We loved eachother. "Yes, we'll get through this together."

— ★ —

OKAY I HAVE TO HURRY MY PHONE IS 10% I DIDNT EVEN BETA READ THIS SO YEAH ENJOY THE CHAPTER YALL, I HOPE YALL LIKE READING AS MUCH AS I LIKED WRITTING AND SEE YALL NEXT WEEK

[dustfeel]

𝐓𝐨𝐨 𝐂𝐥𝐨𝐬𝐞 𝐭𝐨 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐒𝐮𝐧 (Icarus/Anti Tulpar AU)

Summary

Life at the Icarus was never easy, everyone seem to be at edge, just waiting to snap and push people around because they feel like it, they've been working together for years though the loathing only gets bigger. Now, things may be getting worse, of course it was a matter of time before Curly got tired of the crew and crashed the ship, and everyone else is losing it.

(Anti Tulpar/Icarus AU created by Cosmospaghetti on X. OC content, don't like don't read, it's first pov though, so can be read as reader too. Will follow the storytelling of the game but include a bit of my own headcanons.)

Chapter 8. 𝐓𝐄𝐋𝐋 𝐓𝐇𝐄𝐌

— ★ —

"Where are you going?" Ben asked me when he entered my bedroom. I was organizing my things and making sure I'm not forgetting anything before leaving. "To work, today is the departure." I don't take my eyes off my bag when answering him.

"Right." He's quiet after that, but he leans against the doorhandle as if a million thoughts are running wild inside his head. "You look like you want to say something. Spit it out." I finally turn my attention to Ben, his pitiful expression is hard to miss.

"You know, you... you don't have to leave. I can pay the company an insurance so you won't have to go, then you could go back to college, but pursuing a major you like, if that's the problem. I'll pay for it." My eyebrows furrow, I knew it. I knew he'd try to convice me to give up on the job. "Dad, you don't understand. My mom is the problem, she never cares about what I want and always make my problems about her like my world revolves around her."

Ben closes the door to give us more privacy, he walk to the bed and sit down at the edge, patting tbe spot beside him. "Look, Mimi, I comprehend you resent your mother for how she treats you. She's a... difficult person, I see that, but she's trying, and she means well, she just don't... know how to show it."

Ben put his arm around me when I sit down and lean my head against his shoulder. "That doesn't mean I agree with everything she says. She's too strict on you and the way she takes her anger out on you... It is wrong, she should consider your feelings more, you are a person too."

"Why don't you tell her that?" I ask. If he's on my side, why he never defend me? "Because... It's complicated, when you love someone, sometimes you dismiss their actions in order to keep them, even when said actions hurt another someone who's also important." Ben wait for a reply, then he keep talking when he get none.

"I really love Jun, that's why she's my wife, and why I knew I wanted her to be the mother of my child, and also why I can't find it in my to stand up against her. I know I should, and I'm sorry that I don't, I know it hurts you, I just can't bear the thought of a life without her, of her leaving me... It's too much, I can't do that to her."

"It's okay, I understand." I lie and put some distance between us. I do not understand why it have to be that way. "Are you sure you need to go? I fear the people there won't be as welcoming of you... And you will be all alone in space for over an year." Ben said hesitantly. "I'm not a kid anymore, I can take care of myself." I say defensively. "So maybe you won't fancy what I bought to you? I thought you liked space and stuff." Ben gives me an astronaut plushie, it's squishy and fluffy.

"Thank you, dad... I like it, really, I'll just let him rest in my bed for now to, y'know, keep it warm for me." I look at the plushie's face and inspect the body, noticing the lil propaganda note attached to it. "To the moon and back, your space best friend!". "When I'm back, I'll move out and take him with me. While I'm away, think of him as a reminder of me in the meantime, 'til I'm home again." I tuck the astronaut in the bed comfortably, then I stand up and grab my bag, ready to leave.

"I'll take you there, it is the least I can do." Ben also stand up, he walk to the bedroom door and open it for me. We walk downstairs and, crossing the living room, we see Jun in the couch reading a book, that makes Ben stop. "Mon cœur, I'll drive Miyuki to the airport, why don't you come with us?" He invites politely. "I don't want to." And she don't even take her eyes off the book to talk to him.

"Please, Jun, it is important to me." He pleads, the tone get her to close the book and stand up. "Fine." And with that we go to the car. The ride is awfully quiet, me and Jun have been on an unspoken no contact since Ben picked me up and brought me back home right after she kicked me out last month.

I don't know how much time passed, but we arrive at the airport and, through the window, I can see a woman in a suit, probably Kim, my company that Pony Express sent to make sure we arrive in the departure place. "Bye, dad, thanks for the ride." I open the car's door, but don't leave yet. "Goodbye, Mimi, take care. See you soon, I'll be waiting for you." I grab my bag but before leaving, I look to Jun. "Bye, mom." I hoped she'd answer, but when she doesn't, I just leave the car.

Of course she didn't answer, my mom, or at least what I wish I could call "mom", always do her best to disappoint me. It's not like I'm surprised, it's not the first and won't be the last time she does that, she's always too stubborn, her pride is what she works to maintain intact after all.

Even when I'm about to leave for a whole year, she still acts like this is about her and how she feels, but when I went to look for comfort and help in her, all she ever told me was a "I'm busy", "You're being dramatic" or "Stop crying before I give you a real reason to cry about".

For that, I think she loses her title as my "mom", she was once but not anymore. She lost her rights in the moment she chose to prioritize the family's status and my father's rich friends over me, in all the times I needed her to listen to me and she didn't, whenever she said I was too distant as if she hadn't been distant first.

"Mom" is nothing more than someone who spared her womb to give me life and, to be honest, I would have rather if she didn't. Why give life to a child you won't care for? It doesn't make sense, it simply doesn't. My mom never got to know me, and I don't know her either, she was always the physically, but emotionally I was abandoned and neglected.

And, even after all that, it's still a pain present in me that I can't reciprocate the little affection she gives me. I want to believe she'll change, but I know she don't believe I'm worthy changing for. She can change, but not for me.

I grew up, but I didn't lost my memory, I rememeber well all the things she never did for me, and now I can't seem to love my own mom. It upsets me, because all I ever wanted was to have a real mom, it's something sad to see, all the little girls playing around with their moms, laughing and having fun, and know she'd never be that way with me.

My mom was the first person who ever made me sad, made me so sad to the point I didn't want to leave my room and let alone live at all, to the point I'd feel more comforted by alcohol and blades than on my mother's arms, but all she ever had to say about it was tell me I was overreacting.

I wish she would change, that she grew up and apologized, but that stay as a wish like all I ever wished she would be and do before. Maybe one day, she'll see that she's wrong, and maybe that'll happen when I'm far away from here, but then I'll be back and she'll say she's sorry and we'll be fine.

Maybe that way, I'd feel like mommy's little princess, like I always wanted to be and like I never was.

— ★ —

OKAY THIS ONE IS REAAAAALLY LONG BUT IT'S DEFINITELY ONE OF MY FAVS. I HAD EXAM TODAY AND SPENT THE WHOLE DAY OUT, I SRS NEED TO STOP GOING OUT EVERY SATURDAY WITHOUT HAVING THE CHAPTER READY😭

ANYWAYS, I HOPE YALL LIKE READING AS MUCH AS I LIKED WRITTING, SEE YALL NEXT WEEK!!

[dustfeel]

𝐓𝐨𝐨 𝐂𝐥𝐨𝐬𝐞 𝐭𝐨 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐒𝐮𝐧 (Icarus/Anti Tulpar AU)

Summary

Life at the Icarus was never easy, everyone seem to be at edge, just waiting to snap and push people around because they feel like it, they've been working together for years though the loathing only gets bigger. Now, things may be getting worse, of course it was a matter of time before Curly got tired of the crew and crashed the ship, and everyone else is losing it.

(Anti Tulpar/Icarus AU created by Cosmospaghetti on X. OC content, don't like don't read, it's first pov though, so can be read as reader too. Will follow the storytelling of the game but include a bit of my own headcanons.)

Chapter 7. 3 𝐦𝐨𝐧𝐭𝐡𝐬 𝐚𝐟𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐜𝐫𝐚𝐬𝐡

— ★ —

I was sleeping peacefully before Curly started to squirm loudly again. I try to get up to go check on him, but an arm around my waist pull me back to the mattress and don't let me go.

"Where are you going?" Daisuke mumbled out, still half-asleep. "I need to give Curly his medicine." I explain while I try to take his arm away from me. "Don't go... Comfy..." Daisuke put a leg over me.

"You know I can't let Curly without his painkillers." I put a hand over his right hand, fidgeting with his ring. With a small complain, Daisuke's arm loose up and unwrap from me. "Fine, but come back later."

I give him a head nod — That I doubt he saw before falling back to sleep — as I stand up and go to the medbay. "Hey, Cap. Time for your painkillers." I grab the medicine, but before I could take one, the medbay's door open. Turning to see who it is, it's just Anya.

"Miyuki, I need to talk to you. It's important." Anya's face is serious. "Oh, okay. What's wrong?" I put the painkiller's bottle back on the table, then I turn to her fully to pay attention to what she's about to say. "In private. Cockpit, now, c'mon." Her grip on her axe is strong, she means business.

I follow Anya downstairs towards the cockpit, everyone is still asleep so no one see us going. When we arrive, the door closes behind us with a struggle, a remind on how destroyed the place is now.

The impact affected this room more than the others; There's shattered hlass on the ground, foam occupying what used to be the pilot's chair and control panel, the locker is open though, something seems to be missing from it.

"So, you remember the Utility room?" Anya asked, standing in front of me and getting my mind out of the cockpit's state. "The room you've been working on cleaning out the foam? Yeah, I know." Anya thinks a bit, but eventually she replies. "There's no foam in there. I lied."

"You lied?! Why?" What there is about it to lie? Why would she lie about that? And most important: Why is she telling me that?! "There's a cryopod that still works in there. I've know that since the crash, been wondering about what to do with it." Anya looks at me, waiting for my reaction. "You, erm, want to freeze yourself?" I ask. "No, no, it's not that. I want to save it for you."

"For me?" Anya nods in agreement, then she looks at me as if expecting an answer. But to be honest? I don't know what to say. "I dunno, Anya. You know I can't leave you all like that, it'd be unfair."

"Miyuki, listen to me. Swansea is old, he already achieved what he wanted in life, Jimmy? No one cares about him, and Curly doesn't deserve the pod." Anya tries to explain to me. "Daisuke loves you, he would refuse if that meant saving you, and I think you'd make a better use of the pod than me. You're too young to be here, Miyuki."

"But... But..." I try to form a response, but my words are stuck in my throat as I hold back a sob. "If this is really how it has to be... I'll... I'll think about it." Anya breaths out in relief. "That's all I ask for."

"Why are you two awake at this hour?" Jimmy asked suddenly, I didn't even hear the door opening. "Oh, Jimmy, also can't sleep?..." I sniff, trying to collect myself. "We were about to head back to bed." Anya's tone change to a harsher one when she address Jimmy.

"Miyuki... Are you crying?" Jimmy asked, he seemed worried. "No, I'm fine." I take a deep breath. "I know this isn't what we expected to happen, but we have to keep it together." Jimmy approach me and put a hand on my shoulder.

"She's keeping it together just fine." Anya said, almost like a warning. Jimmy looked at her and then at her axe. "Still carrying that thing everywhere?" He asks. "Out of habit, nothing I should explain to you." She talks as if daring him to talk back.

"Miyuki, did you gave Curly his meds?" Jimmy's attention quickly go back to me. "Hm... No, slipped out of my mind." He pats my back gently. "It's okay, I can do it for you. Go rest, it's late." And with that, he leaves.

"I think I'll go back to bed now. Daisuke is probably cold without me nearby." I give Anya a reassuring smirk before I walk to the door. "Goodnight, think about what I said. If anything happen, the keys are inside my pillow." Anya said with a sigh. "I will, I promise. Goodnight, Anya."

— ★ —

I had a hard day yesterday but I didn't want to leave without a chapter, I'm sorry for the delay. Hope yall like reading as much as I like writting, see yall next week!! <3

[dustfeel]

𝐓𝐨𝐨 𝐂𝐥𝐨𝐬𝐞 𝐭𝐨 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐒𝐮𝐧 (Icarus/Anti Tulpar AU)

Summary

Life at the Icarus was never easy, everyone seem to be at edge, just waiting to snap and push people around because they feel like it, they've been working together for years though the loathing only gets bigger. Now, things may be getting worse, of course it was a matter of time before Curly got tired of the crew and crashed the ship, and everyone else is losing it.

(Anti Tulpar/Icarus AU created by Cosmospaghetti on X. OC content, don't like don't read, it's first pov though, so can be read as reader too. Will follow the storytelling of the game but include a bit of my own headcanons.)

Chapter 6. 6 𝐝𝐚𝐲𝐬 𝐛𝐞𝐟𝐨𝐫𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐜𝐫𝐚𝐬𝐡

— ★ —

"I need to tell them." The thought repeats on my head over and over again, what makes the walk to upstairs a lot longer. I take a deep breath before I open the lounge room door.

"Surprise!" Everyone said in unison when I walked into the room. The lounge is decorated with colorful balloons and the crew is wearing party hats. "Surprise...? What's the occasion?" The door closes behind me.

"It's your birthday, silly." Anya chuckled, her hands held together. "Even the captain spared some time to help Swansea with the cake." I look to Curly, who's holding a big cake in his hands.

"We're only allowed to throw one birthday party per mission, and since you're the newest and also youngest member of the crew, we decided this time will be for you. Happy birthday, Miyuki." Curly offers the cake for me to take.

"Happy 19th birthday, Miyuki." Even Daisuke is celebrating. "Happy birthday, miss Miyuki." Swansea says softly. "Happy birthday." Jimmy smirks. "Now, why don't you take this cake to the table and we sing the happy birthday?" Anya put a hand over my arm and lead me to the table; where we all sit down.

By my left side, there's Daisuke, by my right side, there's Curly, in front of me, there's Anya, Jimmy and Swansea. "Thank you guys, I haven't had a surprise party, or any party at all, in so long. I know we don't always get along, but I'm glad we can put our differences aside to enjoy this moment, I'm really grateful for this all." I smile, truly.

Curly light up the candles, then we started to clap as we sang the song. They're all smiling and looking at me, not with annoyance or disgust, but as if I belong, like I'm just as a part of the crew as they are. And hey, maybe I am, maybe I do belong after all.

"Blow the candles, Miyu." Daisuke says when the song ends, the corner of his upper lip slightly curved in a small smirk. I nod and lower my hands, letting them rest on my lap as I lean in to blow the candles.

The time I took to blow was almost the same it took to have my face against the cake. I grip the table to push myself back up, but the person who put my face there already took hold of my hair and forced me harder against the cake. Why did I have to let it untied today?!

When they finally let me go, I'm too stunned to speak, so I look their expressions. Daisuke is amused, Anya is laughing her ass off, Swansea is shaking his head, Jimmy's eyes are widen and Curly... He's looking at me with that expression, the one that says that I'm nothing.

"Damn it. Damn it. Damn it." I think to myself. "Don't cry, not now, hold a little longer." I avoid their gaze by looking at the now ruined birthday cake, my lips trembling. "Aw, don't get soft on us now. It's just a small birthday joke." Anya wipes a tear of laugh away. "You're not going to cry over this, are you?" Curly mocks. I shake my head, still looking down ws I clean the cake away from my face. "No."

They're still laughing when I excuse myself and run away from the lounge before I cry in front of them. I go to the medbay and I sit on the ground to cry as I hug myself. I don't know why exactly I am crying; I don't know if it's because of the wasted cake, or for the embarassament, for the sting of the cut the candles caused on my cheek, or because I genuinely thought I belonged to somewhere.

"Miyuki?" Jimmy's voice make me hug myself even tighter, trying to be invisible or small enough that he won't see me. "I'm sorry for what happened, it was unfair with you. On your birthday of all days." Jimmy sat in front of me, he reaches out for me and, when I don't pull away, pull me in a hug, cradling my head on his chest and letting me cry.

"Shh... It's okay, I know how horrible it felt. It's not your fault... They're the shitty ones, selfish, never caring who they hurt or how." Jimmy caress my hair as I sob uncontrolably. "But don't worry, there's a way out, okay? You and me, together, we can take care of it."

— ★ —

HELOOOO MY BAD I TOOK SO LONG TO POST, I'VE BEEN OUT SINCE 7:30 AM ND JST GOT HOME NOW AT LIKE 9:30 PM. BUT OFC THAT WOULDN'T STOP ME FROM POSTING EVEN IF I HAD TO EDIT THE CHAPTER WHILE I WAS HAVING DINNER

ANYWAYS, IM TOO TIRED FOR LONG NOTES, SO I'LL JST LEAVE NOW AND REST, BUT I PROMISE NEXT WEEK'S CHAPTER WILL BE ON TIME. HOPE YOU ENJOYED READING AS MUCH AS I ENJOYED WRITING, SEE YALL NEXT WEEK!!

[dustfeel]

𝐓𝐨𝐨 𝐂𝐥𝐨𝐬𝐞 𝐭𝐨 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐒𝐮𝐧 (Icarus/Anti Tulpar AU)

Summary

Life at the Icarus was never easy, everyone seem to be at edge, just waiting to snap and push people around because they feel like it, they've been working together for years though the loathing only gets bigger. Now, things may be getting worse, of course it was a matter of time before Curly got tired of the crew and crashed the ship, and everyone else is losing it.

(Anti Tulpar/Icarus AU created by Cosmospaghetti on X. OC content, don't like don't read, it's first pov though, so can be read as reader too. Will follow the storytelling of the game but include a bit of my own headcanons.)

Chapter 5. 2 𝐌𝐨𝐧𝐭𝐡𝐬 𝐀𝐟𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐂𝐫𝐚𝐬𝐡

— ★ —

"Mouthwash. This is what they need 6 people in the space for over an year. Deliver mouthwash." Daisuke groans and was about to throw a bottle on the ground before I grabbed his wrist and snatched it from his hand. "The sugar content on this offsets all potential as disinfectant. It's useless."

"Un-fucking-believable. Let me see that." Anya take the bottle from me. "14% Ethanol." She looks intensily to the blue liquid inside and then to the box full of mouthwash. "That's great! I s'pose we'll smell nice at least." Daisuke mocks the situation, smiling.

"Smell good? Nah, we'll go out in style!" Anya opens the mouthwash. "What are you doing?!" I exclaim, but she only chuckles and tales a long gulp from the bottle. "Whee whee! Don't look at me, I'm just an old lady taking care of her dental hygiene."

"I don't think that's a good idea, Anya. Someone could really get their mind out of this stuff." Swansea put a hand on her shoulder. "And kill you in the process." Daisuke adds.

"Oh, please, spare me indignity. Just shut up and let me enjoy my moment." She chugs down the rest of the bottle. "And shut up you too, Jimmy. No one cares about what your dumbass has to say."

"But I didn't say anything." Jimmy tries to say, but Daisuke talks over him. "Yeah, whatever, we have to think about what really matters, like the fact there's endless corridors of mouthwash here. What are we even supposed to do with those?"

"Uh huh, reeeally important. But don't you worry, Daisuke, I know what we can do with those." Anya put an arm over my shoulder and other around Daisuke's, pulling us closer. "Do tell, big babies, have someone ever taught you both how to drink like a grown-up?"

"This can't be real..." Swansea sighs, pulling his hand away from Anya. "Ahahaha! But it is! Cheers, cheers! A toast to Captain Curly, the one who put us on this mess!" Anya pick up two bottles of mouthwash, handing one to Daisuke and one to me.

— ★ —

HELOOOOOOOO, THIS TOOK A WHILE THAN MY USUAL POST TIME BC I LOWK DIDN'T HAVE IT READY YESTERDAY AND HAD TO EDIT THE CHAPTER TODAY.... it's not one of my faves but I like this chapter and how Anya gets attention on this one

It's crazy how we moved from Miyuki arguing w her mom to the crew drinking and Anya dissing Jimmy for nothing😭 Anywayssss that's it! I hope yall like reading this chapter as much as I liked writting it, see yall next week!

[dustfeel]

𝐓𝐨𝐨 𝐂𝐥𝐨𝐬𝐞 𝐭𝐨 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐒𝐮𝐧 (Icarus/Anti Tulpar AU)

Summary:

Life at the Icarus was never easy, everyone seem to be at edge, just waiting to snap and push people around because they feel like it, they've been working together for years though the loathing only gets bigger. Now, things may be getting worse, of course it was a matter of time before Curly got tired of the crew and crashed the ship, and everyone else is losing it.

(Anti Tulpar/Icarus AU created by Cosmospaghetti on X. OC content, don't like don't read, it's first pov though, so can be read as reader too. Will follow the storytelling of the game but include a bit of my own headcanons.)

Chapter 4. 𝐓𝐄𝐋𝐋 𝐓𝐇𝐄𝐌

— ★ —

"You're not going." Jun yelled, grabbing my face in a hurtful grip. "I didn't spent years raising you for you to throw it all away to follow a stupid childhood dream. You. Are. Not. Going." She let me go with a push.

"Can you stop overreacting? It's not that deep, and I already signed the papers. No turning back now." I cross my arms as she approached me. "Oh, yeah, let's take important decisions without talking to the people who pay for your college and provide everything for you. Leave your mom looking stupid, yeah, do that, it's not like you ever cared about how your actions affect me."

"I never cared? Hah. That's rich coming from you." I let out a sarcastic chuckle as I take a step towards her too. That old trick won't work on me again. "And don't you dare call yourself my mom, because you're not. I don't think you ever were."

"I am your mom, I carried you in my womb, I gave up on my dreams to raise you, I was the one who was always there for you. Yet, all you ever gave me in return was a headache, a constant burden on my shoulder, an useless "I know everything" slacker that can't even get out of bed to do something good from her life, so it's up to me to pick up the pieces and make sure you'll achieve something."

"I will achieve something, but I'll achieve what I want. I'm an adult, I am able to make decisions for myself, and I will." We stand face to face now, the air thick with tension. Jun distance herself from me with a scowl on face that suddenly disappear and becomes a smug expression.

"Fine, be that way then. You're an adult, I understand." She says calmly, but I can hear the passive-aggressiveness tone underlying it. "Since you're so mature now, then I think it's time you move out, you don't need your parents to provide for you anymore. Live your life, but do it far away from us, make us a favor and leave."

I don't remember much about what happened later, but I do know that I left. Didn't argue or tried to stay, just left with a backpack and a bad taste on my tongue.

— ★ —

HELOOOOOO YALLLLL, THIS ONE IS JUST TO PUT A BIT OF CONTEXT ON THE NEXT "Tell Them" CHAPTER (in 3 chapters) that'll be really important, bc it'll explain a bit of why Miyuki is the way she is, plus I think it deepens more the lore

ANYWAYYY it's not as long as other chapters because it's only to understand how Miyuki ended up on the ship. I'm really excited for the next week's chapter, it's not long but it's really fun (I follow the game's story telling, so the chapters have the same date as it if yall want to check ;])

OKAYYYYY I HOPE YOU ENJOY READING THIS EVEN IF THE CREW DON'T APPEAR ON THIS ONE. THANKS FOR READINGGG AND SEE YALL NEXT WEEK.

[dustfeel]

𝐓𝐨𝐨 𝐂𝐥𝐨𝐬𝐞 𝐭𝐨 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐒𝐮𝐧 (Icarus/Anti Tulpar AU)

Summary:

Life at the Icarus was never easy, everyone seem to be at edge, just waiting to snap and push people around because they feel like it, they've been working together for years though the loathing only gets bigger. Now, things may be getting worse, of course it was a matter of time before Curly got tired of the crew and crashed the ship, and everyone else is losing it.

(Anti Tulpar/Icarus AU created by Cosmospaghetti on X. OC content, don't like don't read, it's first pov though, so can be read as reader too. Will follow the storytelling of the game but include a bit of my own headcanons.)

Chapter 3. 7 𝐝𝐚𝐲𝐬 𝐛𝐞𝐟𝐨𝐫𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐜𝐫𝐚𝐬𝐡

— ★ —

Ah, Pony Express' psychological evaluation, the 2 times per month that no one has work to do on the day, at least not until they have their eval done.

Sounds great, like a break mid stress, well, not when you're the nurse and your patients are people like Curly, people that feel pleasure over someone else's annoyance.

"Captain? Did you heard what I said?" My voice seems to pull Curly back into reality, he blinks a few times before making eye contact. "Of course I heard. I always do the thing you said before, it's important in a work space, so I do it. What's the next question?" I sigh, trying to keep myself calm.

"I didn't make you a question, I said we're done here. You're okay, now leave." I do some notes on the eval paper while waiting for Curly to leave and the next person to walk in, but he doesn't. I look up at him, silently telling him to say something.

"I have some questions for you, I need to make sure you're actually doing your job for once." Curly's gaze go to the doodle I was doing on the eval paper before going back to me with one of his eyebrows raised in a way that makes me cover the paper with my arm. "How was the others' evals?"

"Well, Jimmy described his experience as an "Amazing opportunity to learn new things and meet new people. We all care about eachother in our own way.", I'm pretty sure he lied though." A small smirk appears on Curly's mouth. "He's optimistic at least." I nod.

"There's only one eval left for me to do." He seems to understand who I'm talking about because of what he says next. "The actuary?" I get more agitated at the mention of Daisuke.

"He always use the evaluation time to throw insults or backhanded compliments at me, then the time runs out and suddenly I'm the one to blame because "You're not doing your job right.". I never did anything to him, but he's always after me."

There's a moment of silence before Curly replies. "And? What do you expect me to do? You're an adult, Miyuki, you should know how to solve your own problems." He lights up a cigarette, which means he's getting stressed.

"I was hoping you could do his eval for me, and maybe try talking to him? He respects you so he'd listen to you." I look deeply into his face, searching for any signal that Curly will do something, anything, to help me, but his expression only hardens.

"Really? You want me to do your tasks for you? Almost made me laugh. You really think I would do that? I'm the captain of this ship, for God's sake, I have better, and more important, things to do than solve what causes your constant whining."

"But there's nothing I can do, he considers me an inferior being, and that somehow gives him the right to look down on me." He won't help me. Of course he won't help me. I don't know why I even bothered to tell him about it, or why I thought he'd do something to change the situation. Curly never helped or comforted even his long time friend before.

"Maybe Daisuke would respect you more if you spent more time doing what you're hired for and less being an useless burden." Curly stood up, blowing out some smoke as he does. I keep quiet, he won't change his mind no matter what I say.

"That's the last time I'll do a blind eye for you when you're avoiding your duties. I expect Daisuke's and all the other evals on my hand within an hour, or else I'll have to write a report about how insatisfied I am with your recent performance. You wouldn't like that, would you?" I shake my head in disagreement. "Good, I'll tell Daisuke to enter. You know what to do." Then Curly left, giving me a few moments to get the eval paper ready and everything organized before the inevitable.

— ★ —

HELOOOOO YALL i think the ao3 curse is getting to me bc tell me why my ex friends (after an year) came back to talk and create shit ab me, my grandma broke her arm and my mom want me to go to therapy five times per week💔 AND THAT ALL HAPPENED IN ONE WEEK, WTHHHH

but, of course, I wouldn't delay the chapter, that's my job here😼 SOOOOO I HOPE YOU ALL ENJOY READING THIS ONE, I think it talks a lot ab how Curly were before the crash and why Miyuki mentioned being an "Useless burden" in the last chapter.

OKEEEE IM JST RAMBLING ATP LMAOOOOO THANKS FOR READINGGG AND SEE YALL NEXT WEEK, THANKS FOR 100 HITS ON AO3🫶

[dustfeel]

𝐓𝐨𝐨 𝐂𝐥𝐨𝐬𝐞 𝐭𝐨 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐒𝐮𝐧 (Icarus/Anti Tulpar Au)

Summary:

Life at the Icarus was never easy, everyone seem to be at edge, just waiting to snap and push people around because they feel like it, they've been working together for years though the loathing only gets bigger. Now, things may be getting worse, of course it was a matter of time before Curly got tired of the crew and crashed the ship, and everyone else is losing it.

(Anti Tulpar/Icarus AU created by Cosmospaghetti on X. OC content, don't like don't read, it's first pov though, so can be read as reader too. Will follow the storytelling of the game but include a bit of my own headcanons.)

Chapter 2. 2 𝐦𝐨𝐧𝐭𝐡𝐬 𝐚𝐟𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐜𝐫𝐚𝐬𝐡

— ★ —

"This is stupid. We won't take anything from the cargo, in case you all have forgotten it will get discounted from our payment." Daisuke adjusted his glasses, pulling it up and pinching his nose bridge before putting the glasses back down.

"You want to talk about stupidity? In case you have forgotten, we won't be getting any paycheck if we're dead!" Anya snapped, crossing her arms her voice sharp. She have been on edge more than usual since the incident.

"Let's all take a deep breath and calm down, alright? We need to think this through carefully, yelling won't give us a solution." Swansea tried to calm us down, which gets Daisuke to scoff, ready to give him a sarcastic reply but getting interrupted before he could.

"There may be something that could help us, maybe a way to communicate the rescue ship, or some ingredients and food. We're going to die either way, may as well do it well fed." I said, my voice muffled by my arms that I'm using as a pillow while my head is laid on the table, my eyes closed.

"Regardless, it's not like you would eat the food." Daisuke mumbled, rolling his eyes at me. "Mind your own business." I look up at him, my eyebrows furrowing as we exchange glares.

"How would we get into the cargo hold though?" Jimmy asked, fidgeting with his fingers. "The emergency alternate code, obviously. Find the captain's code scanner, get the code, we get in. That's the basic from the safety manual." With a sigh, I lay my head back on the table.

"Most of us have actual jobs to do and not free time to read like you, Miyuki." Daisuke takes a sip from his coffee, his eyes judgemental as he looks at me. "That's enough, focus, let's go get that scanner." Anya stood up, walking away from the table and out of the lounge room.

Without a word, I also stand up and leave. I walk to the medbay, "I dont think I gave Curly his meds." The thought is confirmed when I hear Curly's agonizing pain chokes. I open the door.

Curly is laying on the medbay bed, squirming uncomfortably, he stops when he sees me with his only working eye, probably because he knows what I'm here for: The same I have been doing since he crashed the ship.

"Time for your painkillers, Cap." I grab the painkiller's bottle, taking out a single one. "I bet you're loving this, hm? Seeing me do my job as a nurse, I mean, not an "useless burden" like you always said. Well, it's not like anyone else would give you these if not me, and I can't sleep if you're being too loud. It'll be quick, okay?"

Making sure to not put a lot of pressure against his teeth in order to not hurt him, I open Curly's mouth with a hand, giving him the pill with the other. It doesn't take long, it is disgusting, sure, but I can't let him suffer like this.

When I'm done, I look at him for a moment. It's weird to see the so praised independent captain stuck into a cage of a body; no legs, no arms, no skin, needing someone else to take care of him, it's ironical how that someone is me. The rest of the crew couldn't care less if Curly is in pain or not.

My thoughts are cut off by the sound of someone clearing their throat, I turn around to face the person. "I... uhm... how he's doing?" I look back at Curly. "Calm now that he took his meds. He'll keep that way for the next 12 hours, probably." Jimmy took a few steps, standing by my side.

"About the emergency code... It's a good plan, really, but no one knows where it may be. Do you have any idea?" Jimmy scratches the back of his neck nervously. "If not stuck deep into the foam, on the cockpit. No one went there after the crash." Jimmy seems surprised by my answer, as if he was expecting me to cuss him out or something.

"Maybe Anya could help you, ask her." I say with a sigh, fixing my hair bun. "I can do it alone, she wouldn't want to help me anyway." Jimmy turns to leave the room, but stops in his tracks. "Thank you, Miyuki." I give him a head nod as a response after a moment, his eyes light up and he smirks at me before leaving.

— ★ —

HELOOOOO GUYSSS I'm on exam week but ofc I edited the chapter sooner to post it today. Can't leave yall hanging🫡

I love writting the crew's interactions, it's so funny to me LMAOOOOO btw, I'm using the AU's Creator's relationship map to build the narrative and personality.

I hope this chapter was fun to read as much as it was fun to write. Thanks for reading, see yall next week!

[dustfeel]

𝐓𝐨𝐨 𝐂𝐥𝐨𝐬𝐞 𝐭𝐨 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐒𝐮𝐧 (Icarus/Anti Tulpar AU)

Summary:

Life at the Icarus was never easy, everyone seem to be at edge, just waiting to snap and push people around because they feel like it, they've been working together for years though the loathing only gets bigger. Now, things may be getting worse, of course it was a matter of time before Curly got tired of the crew and crashed the ship, and everyone else is losing it.

(Anti Tulpar/Icarus AU created by Cosmospaghetti on X. OC content, don't like don't read, it's first pov though, so can be read as reader too. Will follow the storytelling of the game but include a bit of my own headcanons.)

Chapter 1. 0 𝐝𝐚𝐲𝐬 𝐛𝐞𝐟𝐨𝐫𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐜𝐫𝐚𝐬𝐡

— ★ —

Work is done for the day, the afternoon monitor barely came up and the sun on it's screen didn't even start to set, but it's not like I have anything else to do.

When you're a nurse in a spaceship and your only job is to take care of 5 other people, the job gets boring when no one is hurt. The only person that comes around in the medbay frequently is Jimmy, but he didn't came today, I'd be happy if that became an everyday occurrence.

Locking the medbay's door, the tiredness start to catch up on me, I lay on the bed and cover myself with a blanket. "Finally some peace around here." I think as I let my surroundings disappear.

BANG! The sound startle me awake, but before I could even understand what caused it, the ship trembled, throwing things onto the ground, including me. "Ouch... What now?" I dust off my body as I stand up, then I walk out of the medbay.

The corridor is a disaster, warning red lights dimly iluminating the way, emergency foam starting to cover up most places, and no one to be seen here.

"Miyuki! Get up, it's not the time for sleeping!" Anya's voice yelled, rushed foorsteps approaching the corridor that leads to the medbay. "Oh, you're awake. That's good. The ship crashed, someone got hurt, severely hurt, and you're the nurse."

Anya grabbed my arm and leaded me through the ship, I try to ask what happened, who got hurt, but I get no answer, she seems focused on what she's doing. I keep my mouth shut the rest of the way, letting Anya take me to wherever

We eventually arrived at the lounge, the rest of the crew is in the middle of the room circling something. I pull my arm free, making Anya let go of me, then I push my way into the circle to see what the commotion was. "WHAT IS THIS?!"

— ★ —

HELLOOOOO this is officially the first chapter, since the other was a prologue. I've already have other 4 ready but i'll post only once per week as I said before.

This one was really fun to write, but tbh the next one is one of my favs so far! Hope you like it, and I'm sorry for any spelling mistakes, see yall next week!

[dustfeel]

𝐓𝐨𝐨 𝐂𝐥𝐨𝐬𝐞 𝐭𝐨 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐒𝐮𝐧 (Icarus/Anti Tulpar AU)

Summary:

Life at the Icarus was never easy, everyone seem to be at edge, just waiting to snap and push people around because they feel like it, they've been working together for years though the loathing only gets bigger. Now, things may be getting worse, of course it was a matter of time before Curly got tired of the crew and crashed the ship, and everyone else is losing it.

Chapter 0. 𝐏𝐫𝐨𝐥𝐨𝐠𝐮𝐞

— ★ —

Icarus — The gold star spaceship, a step into the future — and the hellhole for whoever sorry soul that works there, may even compare to a personal purgatory.

The ship is nice, there's enough food for everyone and the sleeping quarters are comfortable enough to live in. What makes it bad is the crew, despite having been around eachother for years, the disdain only grows and it is mutual between everyone.

Grant Curly, the captain, is a 39 years old man that, even if he's great on his job, is the most insuffearable of them all. "Strict" is the word to describe him well, always have a cigarette between his lips, says he resents Jimmy but refuses to get the guy fired. They're long time friends or something.

Anya Musume, the mechanic, is a 28 years old woman, she's also the most tolerable person on the Icarus. To be honest, she's only REALLY working half of the time, yet everyone seems to like her for her "hard work". No one is safe from her snarky replies — Especially Daisuke and Jimmy — but she's respected a lot, maybe because of the axe she carries with her.

Daisuke Juárez, the actuary, is a 21 years old man — If you can call him that —, after Curly he's the worst. Maybe all those calculations rotted his brain so bad that his mind is forever in the delusion that he's better than any living being. Always holding his clipboard and drinking all the goddamn coffee avaiable on the Icarus, he looks down on every crewmate, but for some reason he overly dislikes Swansea more, which is weird because the old guy may be the only person who likes him for his — shitty — personality. He works a lot and people admire him for that, little do they know he drowns himself into his job to forget how annoying he is.

Swansea Harold, the chef, is a 65 years old man, he's not as mean or rude as the others but he's not a complete saint either, he never bullies or look down on anyone, but he never defend the person when someone else does. He's average level in the kitchen but his calm and sweet persona makes up for it, plus his food tastes better than Pony Express' "Technological innovating organic pre-ready" meals, hell, even cardboard tastes better than that. When he's not at the kitchen, he's helping Jimmy with his tasks. What a nice guy.

Miyuki Nakagami, the nurse, is a 19 years old woman, and the one who's narrating all of this, I'm usually kept to myself, never saw the point in bothering others. People would call me lazy or even a slacker, but I prefer the word "smart", I mean, I spend most of my working hours in the medbay napping, but I get the same salary as someone who never seem to rest like Daisuke — Cry about it, Dai —. I don't talk to people, people don't talk to me, and I prefer to keep it that way, saves me from the headache of trying to keep a conversation going on.

Jimmy Zare, the janitor, is a 38 years old man, he's the main target of bad comments, the easy aim, the crew's punching bag, and a total pain in the ass. He never fights back, maybe that's what make things worse for him since ignoring Anya won't make her stop taunting him. He's a grown man though he flinches when a damn 21 year old judges him with his gaze, seriously, the guy need to grow some balls and stand up for himself — And stop complaining about his problems to someone who isn't his therapist.

These are the Circus' crew, the ones who make life in the Icarus a bit — A lot — harder. Pretty sure the ship could explode and they'd need eachother to survive, but they still wouldn't do and everyone would die and nobody would care.

— ★ —

HELLOOOOO, I'm Dust! This is the prologue for the fanfic, the next chapters will be better and longer since this one was just to introduce the AU and characters, so don't give up on this now. Always open to criticism, sorry if there's any mistakes! See yall next week!

(Anti Tulpar/Icarus AU created by Cosmospaghetti on X. OC content, don't like don't read, it's first pov though, so can be read as reader too. Will follow the storytelling of the game but include a bit of my own headcanons.)

[dustfeel]

𝐓𝐨𝐨 𝐂𝐥𝐨𝐬𝐞 𝐭𝐨 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐒𝐮𝐧 (Icarus/Anti Tulpar AU) Chapter Index

Summary:

Life at the Icarus was never easy, everyone seem to be at edge, just waiting to snap and push people around because they feel like it, they've been working together for years though the loathing only gets bigger. Now, things may be getting worse, of course it was a matter of time before Curly got tired of the crew and crashed the ship, and everyone else is losing it.

(Anti Tulpar/Icarus AU created by Cosmospaghetti on X. OC content, don't like don't read, it's first pov though, so can be read as reader too. Will follow the storytelling of the game but include a bit of my own headcanons.)

— ★ —

Chapter 0. 𝐏𝐫𝐨𝐥𝐨𝐠𝐮𝐞

Chapter 1. 0 𝐃𝐚𝐲𝐬 𝐁𝐞𝐟𝐨𝐫𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐂𝐫𝐚𝐬𝐡

Chapter 2. 2 𝐌𝐨𝐧𝐭𝐡𝐬 𝐀𝐟𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐂𝐫𝐚𝐬𝐡

Chapter 3. 7 𝐃𝐚𝐲𝐬 𝐁𝐞𝐟𝐨𝐫𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐂𝐫𝐚𝐬𝐡

Chapter 4. 𝐓𝐄𝐋𝐋 𝐓𝐇𝐄𝐌

Chapter 5. 2 𝐌𝐨𝐧𝐭𝐡𝐬 𝐀𝐟𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐂𝐫𝐚𝐬𝐡

Chapter 6. 6 𝐃𝐚𝐲𝐬 𝐁𝐞𝐟𝐨𝐫𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐂𝐫𝐚𝐬𝐡

Chapter 7. 3 𝐌𝐨𝐧𝐭𝐡𝐬 𝐀𝐟𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐂𝐫𝐚𝐬𝐡

Chapter 8. 𝐓𝐄𝐋𝐋 𝐓𝐇𝐄𝐌

Chapter 9. 4 𝐌𝐨𝐧𝐭𝐡𝐬 𝐀𝐟𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐂𝐫𝐚𝐬𝐡

Chapter 10. 6 𝐇𝐨𝐮𝐫𝐬 𝐔𝐧𝐭𝐢𝐥 𝐉𝐮𝐝𝐠𝐞𝐦𝐞𝐧𝐭

Chapter 11. 2 𝐃𝐚𝐲𝐬 𝐁𝐞𝐟𝐨𝐫𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐂𝐫𝐚𝐬𝐡

Chapter 12. 5 𝐌𝐨𝐧𝐭𝐡𝐬 𝐀𝐟𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐂𝐫𝐚𝐬𝐡

Chapter 13. 8 𝐇𝐨𝐮𝐫𝐬 𝐔𝐧𝐭𝐢𝐥 𝐉𝐮𝐝𝐠𝐞𝐦𝐞𝐧𝐭

Chapter 14. 5 𝐌𝐨𝐧𝐭𝐡𝐬 𝐀𝐟𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐂𝐫𝐚𝐬𝐡

Chapter 15. 1 𝐃𝐚𝐲 𝐁𝐞𝐟𝐨𝐫𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐂𝐫𝐚𝐬𝐡

Chapter 16. 6 𝐇𝐨𝐮𝐫𝐬 𝐁𝐞𝐟𝐨𝐫𝐞 𝐉𝐮𝐝𝐠𝐞𝐦𝐞𝐧𝐭

Chapter 17. 0 𝐃𝐚𝐲𝐬 𝐁𝐞𝐟𝐨𝐫𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐂𝐫𝐚𝐬𝐡

Chapter 18. 1 𝐇𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐁𝐞𝐟𝐨𝐫𝐞 𝐉𝐮𝐝𝐠𝐞𝐦𝐞𝐧𝐭

Chapter 19. 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐓𝐑𝐔𝐓𝐇

Chapter 20. 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐓𝐑𝐔𝐓𝐇

Chapter 21. 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐓𝐑𝐔𝐓𝐇

Chapter 22. 0 𝐃𝐚𝐲𝐬 𝐁𝐞𝐟𝐨𝐫𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐂𝐫𝐚𝐬𝐡

Chapter 23. 0 𝐇𝐨𝐮𝐫𝐬 𝐁𝐞𝐟𝐨𝐫𝐞 𝐉𝐮𝐝𝐠𝐞𝐦𝐞𝐧𝐭

— ★ —

HELLOOOOO, I'm Dust and this is my first time posting my fanfics here. I'm open to criticism about tagging and summary, english is not my first language so I'm sorry if there's any mistakes.

I'll try posting every weekends, so one chapter per week. If it gets confusing at any point, please tell so I can check if there's any errors. I love reading comments and different interpretatione/theories, so feel free to share your opinions.

[dustfeel]

I Dᴏɴ'ᴛ Sᴍᴏᴋᴇ

"And I don't smoke

Except for after I've held you, baby

Being with you

Makes the flame burn good"

— ★ —

It's about emotional dependence on a person that lacks affective responsibility. You accept everything coming from them, even when most — or all — of those things are bad for you, mentally and physically.

Being with them makes the pain, the hurt, feel so good, you don't mind it at all. You start missing them when they're not there, even missing their bad habits and abusive tendences, you still wished they'd be here with you.

You prefer that they take it out on you, yelling and hitting you till all their anger burns down and they come to you apologizing promising they'd never do it again — it's a matter of time till they do it again, you both know it.

It's better than when they just disappear, leaving you with no answers about where they are or what they're doing, you prefer the noise than the quiet. You can take it anyways, you'll accept them over and over again, and you will go back to them too. You're both tied to eachother.

— ★ —

[dustfeel]

Oɴᴄᴇ Mᴏʀᴇ ᴛᴏ Sᴇᴇ Yᴏᴜ

"But with everybody watching us, our every move

We do have reputations

We keep it secret

Won't let them have it"

— ★ —

It's about a secret queer relationship. In a hang out with your friends, you notice your secret lover, how the sun is hitting their face and lips so perfectly, the same lips you kiss when you're two alone together, how much you wanted to be near to them now.l.

— ★ —

You know you can't act on your true feelings right now, there's people nearby. You guys have reputations, a "fame" in lack of words, and you agreed to keep it secret, hidden from everything and everyone else.

You're still telling yourself one day you'll both be on a public commited relationship with eachother, even when not even you is sure of that, it's what you hope for, and what it's more unlikely to happen. Then, you live for those alone moments that show the smallest bit of affection, when you don't have to accept the reality.

So you keep longing for every moment you two spend alone, when promises are made (and mostly broken) and when you don't have to keep reassuring yourself that this is fine and it's what you both want. It's a lie and you know it.

[dustfeel]

A Lᴏᴠɪɴɢ Fᴇᴇʟɪɴɢ

"What do you do with a loving feeling

If the loving feeling makes you all alone?

What do you do with a loving feeling

If they only love you when you're all alone?

You only love when we're all alone"

— ★ —

What do you do when you're in love if the feeling, that everyone says is what missing in your life, only makes you more alone than ever? What do you do when the feeling that were supposed to feel so good, don't feel as good as everyone says it'd feel?

What do you do when you're in love if your said "lover" don't demonstrate, don't even look at you, don't love you expect when you're all alone? What do you do when there's somebody else, so they act like they're just a friend to you?

The secret hand holding, the cold treatment, the subtle touch, the lack of commitment. So many mixed signs, and you guys keep telling eachother that it's okay and that you're still friends above all of that.

They don't treat you like their priority, they act just like cotton candy – touch then disappear – yet you keep yourself awake till late, just in case they change their mind and come back to you asking sleepover or go out.

You don't know what to do, you don't want to call it off, but it's okay. You're patient, you'll just sit and hope they change for you and to you.

— ★ —

[dustfeel]

I Bᴇᴛ ᴏɴ Lᴏsɪɴɢ Dᴏɢs

"I wanna feel it

I bet on losing dogs

I always want you when I'm finally fine"

— ★ —

It's about entering a relationship you know it won't last, but even knowing that you still bet on it. You know you guys will break up and that they'll find another love, but for now you're their love, you're their baby.

But even with the acknowledgement that it will end and won't be healthy, you can't help but feel hurt. They'll let you bet on this relationship? This toxic, unloving relationship? They will, and you will too, you're both not letting this go.

You can't let it go yet, it gives you the emotion you yearn for, takes away the "something is missing" feeling even if onlt for a while, and even when you're finally better and happy, you still want this type of intimacy

So, even when you watch it slowly tearing apart, the moments of pure pleasure and fulfillment holds onto you and make you stay. You're their baby, their love, and they're yours, you will forever bet on that.

— ★ —

[dustfeel]

A Bᴜʀɴɪɴɢ Hɪʟʟ

"I am a forest fire

And I am the fire and I am the forest

And I am a witness watching it

I stand in a valley watching it

And you are not there at all"

— ★ —

It's about being in a bad life with yourself and the person you love, the person keep promising they'll change, they'll be a better person to you and that you guys will be happy together. But after so long waiting for that changes to happen, you get worn out, the same problems happen over and over again with no seems like it's going to stop.

It makes you act like a forest fire because then you'd get some attention, at the same time you're the forest losing who is hurting, you're also the fire causing the pain no matter how harming that is. You've been a forest fire who can't stop the flames, and you're the fire who keeps burning.

And above that all, you're also a witness, the only one. No one is there at all like you expected someone to be, only you there to watch the birth and destruction you cause to yourself, with no willing to stop because being hurt it's the only thing you know.

So you go and get neat, adjusting your hair and wearing your best shirt, sleep and work like you always do but at least you're looking clean. But it's okay, you always got only little things, it's what you know to love by now. It's what you think you deserve.

— ★ —

[dustfeel]

Aʙʙᴇʏ

"There is a light that I can see

But only, it seems, when there's darkness in me

There is a dream that I sometimes see

That only appears in the dark of sleep"

— ★ —

It's about being born to do something, people always telling you were born to something great. Then you wait and wait for that something, and there's nothing, but after spending all your life basing yourself on that expectation, what is left for you when the expectation is not met?

You were born hungry for that something, you were supposed to be the something, what could you be now? So, every night, when you're tired and sleepy, you start reflecting about it, the hope, the "light", appearing for a while before you have to shut your eye and rest because tomorrow there's more work and chores to do.

So you can just lay down, imagine this long lost dream, hope to be free and then sleep, and keep waiting for the something, burying yourself and your dreams while waiting hopeless that your situation will change someday.

— ★ —