edenandrunning-blog

[edenandrunning-blog]

To watch you watch each other

Is to see glaciers become battering rams

Dashing ahead at painful paces

  With each droplet melted

More fodder to freeze together

Clammy in endless embraces

   Be weary of forever

The tireless trek of time

Across your faces

   Oh what a modern world

To so slowly be fallen

From love's crystal graces

[edenandrunning-blog]

vitae

I am a Northerner, born in untemperate Minneapolis.

Nothing important happened in 1994 except the death of Kurt Cobain, victim of excess. My brother liked his music and so I did. Electric fetus.

My sister, my brother, my sister, me, my sister, my father, is how it was. Later it became half sister, half sister, half brother, half sister, half sister, lovely rain, me, sister, not mine.

All together in the cold and the dirt, wondered why they didn’t judge, always barefoot, basementless, that was Count Chocula’s fault as I recall,

building our spines of those taken from books,

we rode laundry down the stairs for fun.

We were not children but cubs, voracious, ferocious and most of all things.

My home was the empty forest, the long grass, sitting beneath unmarked trees, running and avoiding with no direction. Crows followed. Natural disasters happened.

What had I done with my life?

Nothing  until I met my first moonlight child and began staying up all night. Running took form and purpose in dance. I followed no one. She became me.

She took me,  to the land of dust  and I danced, danced,  and finally there was joy.

   She wanted me to die with her.

I met human man after man and all wished to dance   with me, always the girl and never the woman. At 16  I tried, and remained wantonly virgin, unlike moonlight,

Artemis the slut. Til I melted with the man with little boy eyes, dewey, sibilant, eyelashes like drumsticks battering the stars. He was my new music.

I became his and nothing.

I went to college, running patterns no one could see. Every inch of time lost. It hadn’t yet occurred to me to die in protest.

A long, long while later the heavens shook the earth with their fall and I discovered I was going nowhere, had never been. I stood still and did nothing, the world crushed and mottled around me.

I stopped moving. I fell away from the empty sky, down toward the ground like a green leaf, set myself down and prepared to decay. I did not manage to die. I had no choice but to live and to wait.

Books. Old trees. Cages made of dead earth, concrete, made to wait out the sun and moon. Minutes happened around me. 22 years. Repetition. Failure. Boredom. Men. It was an odd time for natural things.

Is lying on the earth the same thing as clinging to it? 

[edenandrunning-blog]

names i don’t remember

she's not begging you to help her she's howling demanding lashing and careening the loudest and with most vitriol you've ever heard anyone say 'help', parenthetically, you mean, as quietest as can

yo all you are is the dark of the room as you pretended you weren't cheating at headsupsevenup sheerly because you think it's stupid to think you won't do so, is the tree whose knot you insisted on pressing your hand to while you intentionally sat alone and at recess as much as the other children tried to get you to play

cherry bomb

You didn't think I was there?

You didn't think I was?

and yes Vivianne and Lizzie and Jasmine

I wished I didn't make myself eat alone

I know the joy of being shocked I was good at hurdles and Tommy wiping my eyelash and milk carton cartooned puppets and I swear I'm more than this tendency to remember and cardboard-tunnels with Mr. Frankie and my beloved bipolar art teacher I'll remember as she hopes I didn't 

is weeping in a bathroom doorway frame because Trunks isn't a doll apparently, is finally realizing I'm sexy, is using yarn to make my heels fit at my 8th grade graduation and yes, I know you hoped I wasn't but I was there and am I not right to remember?

and the first boy I ever realized I wanted to fuck who was incidentally sitting across from me at a desk in our 1st grade, with glasses and brown hair and a goddam Anakin rattail I was there I remember and yeah at the time I definitely thought he was hot

and my livido hadn't even gotten to Chicago yet

and I hope he didn't notice the boogers or apples

and I know everything still I wish I didn't

Kimberly and Diddy Kong, rollergardens and bandanas and Cain would you believe I smoke now and all and I wish and wished I didn't

all what done to me, or did I done?

hello Biff, you know what I am and am trying to forget

[edenandrunning-blog]

*chases you with my queer spear*

HAPPY PRIDE MONTH MY FRIENDS!!!

Here are the inaugural TEN weapons in my ORIENTATION & GENDER ARMORY series! Each weapon was designed using the flag of the orientation represented for inspiration!

If you want to pick up some sweet D&D/weapons enthusiast/not-just-another-flag-on-a-shirt-related pride gear, check out my redbubble here! I also have an Inprnt if you’re interested in that!

Stay tuned for info on new merch soon! Hope you love them as much as I do!

[edenandrunning-blog]

Artist, Generator(ed)

I guess I’m a genius, but only as it hurts

I’m magic but I’ve learned is that what that is, the untold electric, the components of your casting, is your soul burning away every time you make, or, think and I’m unable to put it out because just like a coporeal fire what it is is you waking up halfaware to smoke seducing you to bonelessness, it eating at you, sucking bruises into your lungs it��s a lapping tongue against all you value but stroking too fast, in the hottest way, like the first rightmost highspeed burner on your stove can’t help but gnaw at anything with littlemost control (that which he, him, fucked at you against, sucking you free of every breath you ever took, or Is It Ironic your first real and precious and only god-condoned kiss was up against the oven?)

and even if you realize at it it’s too fast for stopping (like the sun beating you at what was it, chula vista maybe no that’s not it, that MexicanAF Florid hotel you skipped through with Matt? and fucked for in the ensuite-jacuzzi of and nibbled at the worst of scones in lieu of breakfast as sunrays and stray men ate and ate?) and I’m one bit(e) away it’s all as if, (I think i might be hell on earth) like the universe is gripping your head and fucking your face help me help me help me I’m burning just like Abby, like those unaware and previously no tention paid to

what help is there for me if all I am is this, is burned but don’t know it yet is refusing Trisha putting sunscreen on me before I play in the manmade lake is watching jittering lights past a lover’s shoulder as bartenders spray us apart is wearing an overly large hat in a field waiting for boats watching Penzance which you come to realize you don’t give a shit about is admiring and blithely observing my blissed out brother dancing off a dock to get closer to the bulbs shining despite the lake wrapped around an almost phantom pirate ship is hissing cats and craving help me help me you can’t help a woman who’s nothing but ash about to happen do you know why fire reaches? I’m betting it’s curious sure, I am unburdened, just the way you are as you watch across the street everything you tried to love become ember

but I am the light that eats AND its sister who sees

why do you have to look at me?

and there’s all almost nothing (and) is the youngest I could’ve been pretending I didn’t understand that dirty joke while helping fathers erect the geodome is hearing I’m a snit is desperate leaking firepits all at night is fuck you Blake I’m going to roast an apple wrapped in American cheese on a dirty stick and for once not care if anyone notices me is lighting leaves with a magnifying glass I jacked from my grampa, and piling little fires in the driveway no one knew how to respond to is mute horror, i.e. interest, at the 3rd degree burns on my sister’s blemishless arm in purported paradise and guess what, turns out Disneyland is just the rest of it, blinking and hot and pop music and screaming in cars and pretending as if you could stop

and with all you want to catch at everything else?

and you, I mean you, you want me to catch you, and how could you ask that of me, the any me I am?

I can’t again catch anyone

and how could you ask me to put myself out, even if I ask that for and by myself?

for somehow the universe needs to burn (and) is every every ugly early morning is your hands making magic with no consent is realizing you’re the who what fucks the flames, devil may be is longing to jump the bonfire, but canning not creativity is just helplessly sticking your fork in the outlet and interpreting what screams you get hell on, to, and for you if you pretend I had choice in this or if you try to help by exstinguishment and I’m soooo sorry you’re unsettled seeing a black star burning inside out

apparently the universe doesn’t care if you’re uncomfortable

go ahead and look away from rabid light, and let me exhume and cremate in realtime in relative peace which, well, isn’t any, I’m screaming in earnest I, translator demanded to pyre cantankerous receiver of the divine all and every time I’ve wished I was less

and wouldnt it be awful if you were chosen for this because you deserve it? to be one who wakes relentlessly to hear and translate unknowable waves

you, hate and seek water because you ARE the hiss

the void’s light leaps at you, demanding to be catched

and i did, i caught, i set and all I’ve ever asked back for is to burn out