elfstearssociety

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It has been 6 months since I went on a “couple of weeks break” on instagram… oopsie

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I see this as an achievement. Having a meal outside by myself without too much ocd is MASSIVE.

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Just had my Solar Return. 27 now. Life is scary, but what you gonna do? Be scared and live I guess.

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Review Dead Poets Society, A Novel

Yeah so… people said, the book is worse than the film and I agree. Never read a book that was written after a film and it makes sense why people usually donor do it. I feel like the author did the best job, but it’s just not really possible to do a great job unless you have direct contact with the screenwriters, directors and maybe some acting folx as well. Maybe it could be good if the director or the screen writer wrote it. Idk. You can definitely see the problematic behaviour towards Chris much better than in the film (there it’s just romanticised and downplayed. Check out the trigger warnings before reading or watching). Also, she is the perfect picture of “I was brought up to never respect or protect myself” as a product of her time and it just makes me cringe a lot. I don’t want to spoiler anything though.

The racist parts are still racist and I guess the author was not allowed to change anything. The racist parts btw are the most awkward once in the film and in the book, because it’s soooo unnecessary for the plot and could have been done much better AND not racist.

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The last weeks were somehow mentally heavy. I mean, I know why, it’s just that I always hope, that this time my body and mind will be used to it. But the only way how we are used to it is to not see it until some weeks in the situation already. It sucks, honestly. I now have to, again, make up a new routine with little to no knowledge about my working hours at the internship, pretend like everything is fine there and then spontaneously change the plan every time someone else wants it changed. I didn’t know that an internship in a theater can be THAT autism unfriendly?? Sure, was clear that it will have some chaos, but really not having no palm at all and not even trying to give the interns some sort of knowledge? Nobody even told me upfront “hey btw we are a theater that has no scripts or anything, we just do stuff in the process, so you need to be prepared for changing hours and not knowing more than one day ahead”. It would be horrible news but it would be better than to find it out on the second day (on the first day nobody told us anything really).

I really really need to stop giving a damn haha

But how when Disability bE DiSaBiLiTing?😭🥲🫠

P.s. it’s a so called “inclusive theater” btw and yes they might be mostly good to the acting group but I am also Disabled can someone include me please T___T

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Internship in the Theater turned out to be quite an underwhelming technically and overwhelming morally type of disaster… I have the hope, that it will get better, once people start trusting me being on fellow human being, but for now they just alienate me most of the time. Only the acting folx are truly nice and don’t care for my looks and the mask, they treat me kindly. Once again, Disabled people behave more humanly than non-Disabled folx while the whole world pretends like Disbaled people need to be dehumanised.

Sadly I don’t read atm, but started to play Sims Medieval (Pirates and Nobles) and it’s quite fun except of a racist name for Roma people. Treating roma and sinti like they are mythical creatures out of fables, putting them together with “the knight, the wizard, the elves, the princess..” like it’s a school play.. really not cool. Don’t understand why they still didn’t change it.

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While working on a telegram Chanel for the clothes and other items I make I tried to count every item (excluding pinns, patches, sticker, postcards, posters) I have made since starting the project in 2019 and even having quite abbreviated in between years… 93 items is what u could count. But I don’t remember all of them and definitely don’t have all of them photographs either •_• so there is actually more. Probably over 100.

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„Suffering is cheap as clay and twice as common. What matters is what each [person] makes of it.“ (Ruin and Rising, Chapter 7)

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Review: Ruin and Rising

I enjoyed it more than the previews two books. I actually laughed and cried too. The end („After“) was the best part, it’s a shame it was so short. The whole story is 99.9% just suffering, grief, horror, more suffering, pain, frustration, hopelessness for happiness. It was refreshing to read something soft in the end, but I feel like if the books would have a little more of it in between the story we would feel the horrors and grief even more. You know, balance and stuff. (Yes, I am here to ask you to break my heart, I know)

I definitely wanted more diversity in characters, but it had a little bit of queer characters and I enjoyed it. I thought there would be more.. I was really waiting T.T but it’s a 2014 book so I think it did pretty well for its time?

It’s hard to write a review without spoilers, but I honestly did not enjoy Mal :) because what the hell dude, I get the whole complicated situation started from the second book but what was wrong the whole time before it? Also, I did not understand if he actually did other girls or not, Zoya said it in a way that actually sounded like he didn’t, I don’t understand (sorry, I am an autistic and I read as an autistic). Because if he did, why the hell? And if he didn’t, also, why the hell? Anyways, check out the trigger warnings and go read the trilogy.

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Berlin🌸

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I hope to find more time to read soon, but I am so busy with doing things and having anxiety T.T I finally came around to film a YouTube video about the books I read in the last 11 months, but editing it will be so annoying because I don’t have money for a program that would put proper subtitles in..

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Finally re-doing my altar after so many months not getting to it. I miss praying. Sure, nobody needs anything to pray, but last months were very stressful and now finally it becomes easier, so, it’s time to reconnect again. Religion is beautiful when not abused.

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New Video On Youtube

I was writing my theater science assignment and thought, why not use the time? Also, learned a lot of new stuff on DaVinci and CapCut for this video.

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I was learning DaVinci Resolve today but ended up working on the next YouTube Video with CapCut, because it’s hard for me to learn new Programms without someone sitting next to me and answering all the questions. I am still very proud of me, because this is the first Study With Me video and it’s really nice ❤️‍🩹✨

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🐦‍⬛On chronic illness and existential dread (not edited)🪺

I hope this year I will do more things. Choose to do more things I want to do instead of being afraid. This year I might have the privilege of spending the small amount of energy I have towards things I wish I would have already experienced. But this fears, oh, this fears.. their claws hold me tightly. They whisper „it’s not the right thing, you only have so little, don’t give it away for the perfect or the most important thing“… and I end up not using the small amount of energy. Like a fool. Like a naive, hopeless fool.

I wish I could save energy in a way, that I can stay curled up for days be then have a big eventful trip or just a day where I don’t need to „look at the watch“ (the energy-meter, if you will). But every time I go to sleep, I wake up with a feeling of regret. Every time I go to sleep, I am afraid of the next day. And I long for it, desperately, because maybe, just maybe, it will be the day when I finally move the claws away and am allowed to live?

Scared to disappoint myself, scared of what I have already lost, of the time that already passed. And longing for a fresh day, a fresh start, a fresh chance, just one more chance, I will not fuck it up! And then I do. But I am so tired of myself… it’s not a choice I keep telling myself, because 99% isn’t a choice, but this 1% is so painful. To see my Trauma and fears guide me instead of my knowledge and my hope. Good thing, that hope is patient. But am I? I have to be.

I shall walk when I can, cook when I can and laugh when I can. I shall experience what’s there to experience, no matter how small it seems to be in comparison to others, to those, who don’t live my life. To those, who, (for now?) are healthy. Or can afford the Great Denial. I shall write, I shall paint, I shall sing, as long as it’s possible. I shall get up early when I can and go to sleep early, because my body needs it. I shall be kind to my body, because it’s suffering from the same illness I do. Because it feels, like we aren’t the same, like there is me and there is my body. And there is the tiny child who wants to play, and the most scared adult, who is afraid to move at all, because what if violence will return?

But it will not. I deserve to live what’s there. And next time maybe I will have more.

I deserve to experience the beautiful simple things, because they are what makes life worth living.

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Since the autism acceptance/awareness month started yesterday, let’s learn a basic: what’s up with neurodiversity and neurodivergence?

All people are neurodiverse as a group.

Like all animals and plants are the biodiversity

The neurodiverse people are separated in neurotypical and neurodivergent people.

Some neurodivergent people are autistic

Neurodivergence is a huge spectrum and there is much more to it than just autism or adhd. It’s not synonymous with autism and/or adhd.

Allistic is a term to describe non-autistic people. But allistics can be differently neurodivergent, for example because of borderline or epilepsy.

Neurotypical people are allistic because they are not autistic.

Neurodiverse (if 🦔 is neurotypical)

🦔🦉🐌 🦔🦔🐺🪿🐒🦔🌿 or

🦔🦔🪱 🦔🦔🦔🦔🦔🦔 or

🐌🪱🦆🐴🦐🦇🐡🪿🪱🪿🪿

As you can see it can mean a lot of things.

Neurodivergent:

🐒🐥🦆🪿🦅🦉🐺🐴🦇🐦‍⬛🦉🐌🦆🪱🦐🐡🐿️🌿+

As you can see it means everyone but 🦔

Autistic (if 🦆 is autistic)

🦆🦆🦆🦆

Neurotypical and allistic

🦔🦔🦔🦔

Allistic and neurodivergent

🐥🐦‍⬛🦋🫎🪱🦗🐙🐳🎄🦦

As you can see it’s everyone but 🦔 or 🦆