elixirofentropy

[elixirofentropy]

The Ache of a Cello

You called it greed. What I felt—what I carried in the core of my ribs like fire—they named it greed. It was hunger. Desire. The desperate, clumsy kind of love that spills over, begging to be held. And yet you twisted it, didn't you?

You didn’t just leave. You aimed. Your poisoned arrows. Past skin, past nerves, into my marrow. Your cruelty didn’t roar. Like Echo, I lost my voice one answer at a time. until all I could say was what you left behind..

Why?

Why did you do it?

Why did you pretend to hold my heart just to carve it when no one was looking?

Why did you look me in the eyes and then pretend I was too much?

Why did you accept my softness and then scorn it?

Why did I let you?

Why?

Six times. Six knives to the same fucking wound. I’ve asked it a thousand in my head, but six is the number that always spills out of my mouth. Like a spell I don’t know how to undo—like you.

All my questions unanswered, looping like a ghost through a hallway that never had any doors. Your silence wrapped around my grief, turning it scarlet. A color too loud for mourning, too passionate for pity.

I haven’t hungered for anything since you. my organs are failing under the weight of your memory. I thirst for the kind of tenderness I now believe I’ll never receive. again.

I am hungry.

I am thirsty.

But everything I try to consume burns me.

Because guilt and regret—your guilt, your regret—was poured down my oesophagus like acid. It wasn’t enough that you left. You had to leave a trail of corrosion in your wake. You wanted me to believe it was my fault. That I wanted too much. That I felt too deeply. That I breathed too loudly. You made me believe that I was chaos incarnate when I was only ever a girl who loved you too hard.

And I did. God, I did.

I’m asking again.

Why?

Because the ache doesn’t stop just because the echo does.

[elixirofentropy]

Monopoly

I go back to that night—

every day,

like a bathing ritual.

My blood

and yours—

bound.

I wish I knew

that having it all meant

that you'd lose it all

too.

But I’m too greedy,

hungry,

deadly

with my love.

I had everything.

I want you to have everything.

When the fireflies fluttered

again,

you didn’t look back.

I wondered why.

You console me,

cajole me,

like I didn’t know what it meant.

I’m learning the scars on your back

like it’s a map to my destiny.

Please look back, my Orpheus—

even if it means you never will.

Again.

[elixirofentropy]

Glass knuckles.

Closed doors.

Your hate.

You.

The only thing that matters.

You break down my walls—

Brutal.

No mercy.

You take,

And take.

Your doors—

yours alone.

I won’t knock.

My hands are bloody—

From crawling out of the ruins

Of you.

I won’t knock.

I won’t beg.

I’ll just stay outside.

Waiting.

Like you wanted.

As your termites seep into me,

Too.

They’ll know—

We taste the same.

You resent my language—

Too childish.

Naive.

Yet—

You try to find your soul

In me.

You twist my words,

You twist my life—

To fit inside your pocket.

To fit into your new life.

Does it ever come back—

When there’s no one to perform to?

[elixirofentropy]

The Message I Was Too Scared to Send

March 15,2025

I had a moment of epiphany about something you said when we first met. At first, I was going to let it go, like always, but this time, there was nothing poetic about it—nothing deceptive, nothing distant. Just truth. So, here’s mine: I won’t let your nightmare become reality, and I won’t let the world drain the goodness still left in you. I love you. That’s all I have to say for now. But you know where to find me—when you need me or when the darkness creeps in. I’m starting to realize that no amount of light can erase that darkness, and maybe it shouldn’t. It’s okay to just be for a while. You’ve been through enough. It’s okay to be yourself—your whole self. Darkness isn’t inherently bad, and it’s not the enemy. But I know your self-destructive impulses aren’t about that; they come from fear—fear that unconditional love will be taken away from you. But the truth is, you can’t outrun it. Neither can I. It scares you, and it scares me too. But I’m done running and hiding. I won’t keep succumbing to the abuses. I hope you learn to stop letting it get to you too. You sometimes seems to forget it—the way i fought for you. No shields or swords— just my bare hands.

As long as my mind is within my body, you will always be loved. That’s it. I just regret not stopping you back then. I love you. That’s all.

[elixirofentropy]

The White Noise .

I see you sitting still

on your porch.

Yours.

But what even is yours anymore?

I don’t know who you are now.

I don’t know why I’m standing here—

outside your house.

I don’t even know how I got here.

All I know is—

I am.

The snow meets the ocean

where you live now.

The sky is so white—

it blinds me.

I just stood there—

imagining you,

at peace.

Your face,

so soft and somber.

I follow your sighs

like a dog tracing its master.

I sit beside you—

far away,

but close enough.

Close enough to count your breaths.

You are frozen.

Unblinking.

Soft.

So soft.

How could I ever hate you?

How could I?

I dreamt of you

in your black leather jacket,

surrounded by your shiny friends.

Hunger games.

I saw it in your eyes—

your hunger.

Not for glory,

For rest.

Applause—

For a moment

where you didn’t have to perform.

So I stay.

With you.

My frozen love.

I hope—

I wish—

I pray,

that the fire in me

might thaw your cruel, quiet heart.

I won’t move.

I'll just stay.

And maybe—

maybe that’s what I wanted all along.

Silence.

You.

[elixirofentropy]

Imma stop yapping here 😔

@archivesofacat is where I'll be yapping from now on 😔😔😔

[elixirofentropy]

Belladonna Baby.

Oh Bella,

Why won’t you hold me for once—

with that warm smile

and your cold embrace?

Why won’t you come with me

for a stroll through the night?

Oh Belladonna,

don’t look at me with those doll eyes.

Don’t look at me—

as you twist my life between your fingers—

like you’ll weave me into your web.

My pretty lady,

why won’t you kiss me

a bit longer tonight?

Bite through these threads—

as you seduce me to sleep.

Why won’t you turn this garden

into my grave?

Oh Belladonna,

why won’t you come home with me tonight,

and let me rot beneath your touch?

[elixirofentropy]

Yall dont love klaus the way i love him

[elixirofentropy]

The sides of a circles.

Perception. Perception. Perception.

The way the entire course of your life shifts—from the lack of it, or the excess. I’ve never looked at life the same since my high school math teacher told me that a circle is a polygon with infinite sides.

Is infinity and null the same here?

Was infinity always just a void of nothingness we stared into, trying to feel some semblance of purpose?

A place so full, it becomes empty.

That’s how I feel—so full of love and affection, but exhausted from trying to prove it’s real.

I wish, like the circle, there were something of me to show—for this infernal fire of passion. To show you the impossible.

I thought maybe my wholeness would keep you on your knees. I thought locking a piece of me away might save your face.

But I am who I am at the end of the day. Even as a void—even in your misunderstanding—I exist, and that is power. Maybe infinity and null are the same. Maybe there is an existence that outlives infinity and null within me.

Perception.

Just because they are blind doesn't mean you don’t exist. You create yourself, and you carry out your own execution. I—the art and the artist.

Maybe you and I, too, are circles—existing between definitions.

[elixirofentropy]

You're my void???

My only void???

You make me happy???

When skies are gray???

[elixirofentropy]

Spaceboy

I was too bright,

I was too great.

But still—

At your arm’s length,

Never too far.

Just close enough.

To warm you.

But who warms the little flame—

When it’s flickering to its death?

“You are too great, too great for me.”

And then the winter came and—

I was yours again.

Your words lull me to sleep

With the December ache.

My lovely boy,

do you see me from the moon, Dreaming of your cold fingertips?

My sweet honey,

Can you hear my prayers from light-years away?

Do you look out at the atlas and see me looking for you?

My space boy,

My fear-bitten boy,

Let me hold and kiss your cheeks.

Let me hold your frozen heart—

Please, rest.

My moonlight,

I don’t want to be great.

I want to be just enough.

I want to be—just yours.

[elixirofentropy]

The Dirge And The Lamb.

You have to lose everything twice to know where home is.

Was I your home, somewhere along the path?

Was I, at least, a bomb shelter? Even if only for a moment?

We were two rebels in the midst of a great war,

Dreaming of the fall—

Two children playing with fire.

The lips that once mumbled "these see" now quiver at the memory.

I’m blinded, my love,

by your flamethrower.

Your betrayal.

You wanted the world—wanted it to be kind, to be ours.

And I want too. I wanted you.

We held hands into the roads of change.

Yet,

you stood there.

With him.

Your enemy.

Our enemy.

You watched them drag me into my fate—Our shared fate, burdened onto me alone.

The betrayal, honey—how do I live with that?

I lie awake

like a caged animal,

muddy and torn.

You ache inside me like a fishbone in my throat.

It still aches.

I can’t feel it—

but it still aches.

I hear the tremble in your breath, lurking outside like a thief, stealing what’s left of me.

Bleeding with every scream I swallow,

Wondering.

was it me?

Does my name burn you now, with every step you take?

Still—

the moonlight through the cracks looks as soft as you.

Why, my love—why did you teach me to fight when all you ever did was run?

[elixirofentropy]

just me, Edgar Allan Poe and our unhealthy coping mechanisms (romanticizing melancholy) against the world.

[elixirofentropy]

lowkey, i suffered more than jesus ever did (i know he even thinks the same lol)

[elixirofentropy]

As the sands take the shape of mirrors, I hope we'll see each other better.

[elixirofentropy]

I will always choose truth—even when I love you, even if it means you’ll hate me for laying you bare. Because to love is to want growth. Anything less is punishment.

For you. For me. For everyone.

I only ever wanted to be better. I only ever wanted you to be better. The rest is irrelevant. Everything devoid of love is irrelevant.

So if it must hurt, let it be the truth that cuts me, not the reshaping of my life to fit someone else’s fiction. Stories fray. They twist and end with loopholes. But truth—It claws out from the deep hibernation of the soul and demands to be seen.

So please, be honest. And if you cannot be kind, then at the very least—don’t be cruel.

[elixirofentropy]

Opal Heart.

You dropped my opal heart

beneath an eclipse.

You blamed the sun,

your mortal eyes,

your coward soul—

for your crimes.

You did it again.

Now you stoop to gather the shards,

to hide your shame,

with trembling hands

and a weary conviction.

Even a smooth pearl

could slice you open—

edges carved by every fall you forced.

You hate me for the mess.

You hate me for loving the red.

you shattered me—

bled across my pieces

until I could not breathe.

And now,

you do not get to hate me

for surviving this.

For surviving you.