emily-roses-babble

[emily-roses-babble]

Through the Eyes of God

And there were bullet holes that riddled his body. And it was no one’s fault. But of those holes—I could count them. Because he was small. And his body was tiny. And it was no one’s fault. And I could not blame anyone. But if God won’t listen than who will. God is small enough.

I.

I didn’t think he was dead. The color that once spread through his veins was still there. He was breathing. I knew he was alive. He is the only majesty in my life, the only pure thing. So he isn’t gone. I feel him in the wind, I see him in the trees, falling from branches, crying for his mother. 

II.

He was a fool for leaving me before I met him. I know he had to crumble. I know! But why the bullet holes? Why sort of monster inflicts pain on a child? This pathetic creature- did he even try and defend himself? I want to know his dreams, passions. My own body is clenched and dry.

III.

I will become him. I will take his place. I will become dirt, seeds, sunlight. I will rebuild him. Carry his sins. Just to be what he once was. The satisfaction of knowing outweighs the pain of ignorance. Let me trade my life for his. I am St. Frances of Assisi, now, here, 

IV.

I can see the end of my days through his translucent bones. I don’t lead a fulfilling life. I don’t move on from this event. There is no end to the river, his own veins stop at the edge of the world but my agony is everlasting. All colors are blue. All holes continue forever. All colors are black.

V.

So he is dead. And he has bullet holes in him. And I will never know what joy he brought. I will never know what shadows he cast down. But I must move on. Because he is one leaf and I am a whole person. And the sun is rising. But guilt never leaves. And he has bullet holes in his skin.

[emily-roses-babble]

Dance of Demeter

By night the twigs will come alive,

see their green tears become one with 

blood. The change shows that they were loved.

 So does the sun produce the night.

So do I destroy my words.

So do the branches bear fruit,

a cacophony of brown, red,

yellow is the son that bears life,

orange is the fire that burns bright,

red is the dance of Demeter

who lost her only child to red

pomegranate seeds, sign of love.

As revenge, she makes the Earth go

brown. 

But not before it explodes. 

I know not of the will or the way

but I know the feeling. Ruby eyes

cut through me and I’ve got no choice

but to look back. See, the outline

of life is ready to come forth.

This is Demeter’s last Goodbye, 

This is Hades’ springing forward.

This is Persephone, who reigns 

both Heaven and Hell, who will not

be silent in her suffering.

She makes the plants bleed with her,

but how she loves her children so. 

She has killed them, but from this death

will spring new life. 

[emily-roses-babble]

The Golden Spiral

One eye, one eye, two eyes, three eyes, five eyes, eight eyes, thirteen eyes. A pair of 13 eyes. A pair of 13 eyes watching you. You are watching 13 eyes. Snake eyes. A pair of 13 snake eyes watching you. Snakes on a rotating wheel. 13 eyes rotating on a wheel. God on a rotating wheel. God watching you. God with thirteen eyes watching you. God with snake eyes, watching you. A knife that has existed longer than you have. A knife made of the same elements you are. A knife that disproves your existence. 13 knives on a rotating wheel. Your heart beat. Your heart beats faster than you do. A knife in your heart. 13 knives in your heart rotating on a wheel while God watches with snake eyes. A snake that proves you don’t exist. Eyes that disprove the existence of snakes. Your eyes disprove the existence of a rotating wheel. We have all existed since the beginning of time. We disprove our own existence. Time on a rotating wheel. We are rotating on an existing wheel. Time rotates but it does not exist because we created it and we do not exist. God disproves the concept of time that we have created. We created God. Rotating eyes are rotating on 13 wheels. Snake eyes looking at your heart and it kills you and we disproved the existence of God. Time looking at you with 13 eyes. A pair of rotating snake eyes in the beginning. Your heart disproves you existence. Snake eyes in the beginning. Snake eyes kill snakes. 13 rotating wheels are just a concept we have created. The beginning of time with knives. God disproving the existence of God. Rotating eyes. Rotating snakes. Rotating hearts. Rotating God. Rotating Knives. Rotating heart. Rotating existence. Rotating time. Rotating Beginning. Rotating self.

[emily-roses-babble]

Second Grade Confessions

If you’ve never been to confession, it’s a bit like the DMV, except instead of getting your driver's license you get absolved from your sins. First, everyone stands in a line and is told to “think hard” about what to say before they go in and tell a priest all of the mediocre sins they’ve committed. The best way to know if you’ve sinned, the teacher would tell us, is to think about how God would react to your actions. Would he be disappointed to know you cheated on a test? If you think God would be upset then he is absolutely furious. “Guilt is a message from God,” we were told. “It is him speaking directly towards you, having you feel the weight of your sins.”

Seven is the age when children attend their first confession. By now the Catholic Church decides you’ve dealt out enough suffering in the world and that you need to be saved from your sins. In school, confession was an event- a celebration, almost. After the fact children were awarded cookies and chips as a condescending way of saying, “Congrats! You’re free of sin!” But before that happens, you have to endure the terrifying ordeal of being known only by your gravest mistakes. The point of confession is to get God to like you again. And everyone really wants God to like them, obviously. So, I was excited to attend my first Holy Confession. 

You wait in line for what seems like hours and feel the burden of your sins. And you’re told to behave- no dozing off or talking, you must look straight forward and contemplate. Familiar classmates go in before you, spend time behind a velvet curtain, and then come out and kneel on carpeted steps as they say penance. It’s deafeningly silent, save for the coughs of sick children and the sound of heels against the marble. When the time comes your teacher leads you through the curtain and you are faced with a choice; either face-to-face confessional or one behind a screen. I’ve heard mixed things about both. I once knew a very Holy girl whose parents were in the Church choir who would choose the face-to-face method. She’d tell us it’s more relaxing because it feels like a conversation rather than an exam. I also knew a boy who was big and brutish and would be bullied more if he wasn’t so intimidating. He would always choose the screen method, and always left the confessional crying. 

For my first time, I chose the screen. I didn’t do well with eye contact, and the screen had the Act of Contrition taped to the wall, so I could read from it. The Act of Contrition is a tiny prayer we had to memorize and recite before each confession. It goes like this:

“O my God, I am heartily sorry for having offended Thee: and I detest my sins most sincerely because they displease Thee, my God, Who art so deserving of all my love for Thy infinite goodness and most amiable perfections: and I firmly purpose by Thy holy grace never more to offend Thee.”

I could never memorize it. I had difficulty memorizing most things. Though the prayer was posted everywhere, like eyes, always watching for your mistakes, I never paid it notice.

So after the Act of Contrition the priest asks for your sins. The night before I wrote down all of the things I was to mention- I didn’t go to Church often, I stole cookies from my Grandmother’s pantry, I quarreled with friends over boy bands, and my parents fought a lot. I didn’t consider that last one to be a sin, but the teachers say that you can also ask your priest for advice.

So I did. I told him that, a few days ago, my father approached me and asked how I would feel if Mommy and Daddy got divorced. I became upset, but he told me that he and Mommy might be happier separated. I believed it to be so. I asked the priest if he agreed.

The priest then came around to my side of the confessional- breaking my wish of no eye-contact, and knelt down beside me. In a low voice, he said “listen, Emily, you cannot let your parents get a divorce. Divorcees go straight to Hell, and they damn their children too. You must do everything in your power to keep them together. But keep it a secret. They shouldn’t be guilted into staying together.” Then he told me to say ten Hail Marys and sent me on my way.

As though ten Hail Marys were going to save my parents marriage! Imagine, telling a single-digit aged child, that God does not like them because of something outside of their control? The constant disapproval from someone who loves you more than anything? You, child, who can’t count to a 100 yet, who doesn’t know how to multiply. You, are being watched by some all-powerful being that you can never meet until you die. And this all-powerful being came to Earth thousands of years ago and he died for you and suffered for you. And because of this, the rest of your life is spent trying to repay the debt. He created you. And every time you do something wrong, he shuts the gates to paradise and hates you. Because you should know what’s right and wrong already. Feel guilty, because you were born a sinner. 

But I kept it a secret like he said. I behaved. I kept my head forward and didn't talk to my friends, or my family. I didn’t talk to anyone for a long time, because I was afraid. I knew that the more I behaved the less likely my parents were to fight. And that was the trick, what kept you in God’s favor: being quiet. Don’t speak up about what bothers you. I became what God wanted, and that’s all you had to do. 

I was taught this before I knew how to read. God loves me under one specific condition: that I am perfect. Before I learned about slavery, corruption, pollution, sex trafficking. Before I knew about all the awful things God created, I was taught that he loved me and he would save me. Save me from what? 

What have I done wrong?

[emily-roses-babble]

Woodwork

Can the tune of a well oiled car

solve most of nature’s problems?

What is the millenia old song of a nightingale 

to a rev of an industrial, all encompassing monster

I know not.

All I know is how warped wood sounds 

when fine, white horse hairs vibrate against the neck of 

steel rings and dark swirls. 

and as the river opens up into the sea, 

cut into the shape of a curvy woman,

I look into the eye of Jupiter 

and inside, little faeries made of sound and air

wave back at me, inviting me to dance with them.

So I turn the keys that make the machine go 

an amalgamation of both metal and bark,

and play the nightingale's songs. 

I was six the first time I met my friend.

And nine the last time I was happy.

[emily-roses-babble]

The wade pool

They are the ocean

I've been warned before

In the end, all the same

As you stand by the shore they

Try to grab you, and sometimes

They succeed

But she was

different

In an ocean of uniformity

She was the

One wave

That crashed

Over

The rocks,

And formed a wave pool

Where the slugs rest and the crabs play

The ocean can't

Touch her, anymore

But you are so scared

Of the ocean

And i know you're

Waterlogged

At this point

But she was reaching for you

She reached over the border to find you

You just didn't see her because of the

Water

In your eyes

They are the ocean

But she was different

Go

[emily-roses-babble]

The Apartment-2018

           Okay, well, I guess it’s fine. It’s fine. No problem. It just that- well, it kind of sucks. Really. It really sucks. I mean, a lot of bad things happened in a row and- and I don’t want to complain, but… well, it all started when I got the bad news. I didn’t know how bad it would be until later, or, well, actually, right now. Right now, I know how bad it is. But when I first got the news I didn’t. And you know, like what really sucks? He left me right after I told him- yeah, him. Although, I guess… I can’t blame him? Cause, well… I lied. He didn’t leave right after he found out. He stayed for… a while. Until things started to get bad. And they got bad quick, like… really quick. Really bad really quick. And I don’t blame him for leaving. Really. It’s just that… its really gross. Really. I get it. This disease is gross. So, I get that he left. I’m also like… insufferable to be around. Anyway, it was going to happen sooner or later so I’m glad that it happened sooner than later y’know… anyway, yeah. It just- I wish that someone was there to do this with me, y’know? It was just going to- really be- like so expensive and stressful so I guess that someone would just be here to hold my hand… So, when he left, I just went back to my apartment which I guess I owned now? Whatever.

           Okay, so… yeah. It’s gotten a lot worse since the diagnosis. You remember… what I used to look like? I know, I’ve, liked, changed. A lot. I’m losing my mind a little bit even though it’s the only thing left. But yeah, oh, you want to know how? I don’t know how. It kind of just… well, okay, I do know how. Sorry, I lied. I know, I’m a horrible person. It started, when, well, it’s a little embarrassing. One of my toes…the smallest one… it was bad, right, because of the disease… so, like I had stubbed my foot that day right, so it kind of made it worse, and, I felt my toe and it was kind of, squishy, so, I squeezed it, and it oozed a little, and I kept squeezing, and it- it – it popped off. It just popped off. Like opening a bottle of champagne. That’s when it started. It was nice to… have that part free from me. For once I felt good about myself. Don’t I deserve to be happy, I mean, my life is about to end, so, why not have some fun? And it was fun, oh yeah, I had a good laugh about it. So, when it like, eventually spread to my other toes, well, I had my own field day about it! A month after he left me- I mean- a month after I was diagnosed, I had popped every one of my little piggies off. Yeah-oh yeah- both of my feet, even though the other foot wasn’t diseased. Y’know, its fine… I liked doing it, even if it was harder to walk after that. Although, that wasn’t too bad compared to when I took both my feet off. I choked my ankles until my feet gave way. I don’t miss them, I mean, where am I going to go?

           Honestly, where would I go? I mean– nobody is coming to visit me anymore. Uber Eats and Amazon Fresh is a thing, so, whatever. It’s fine. Not a big problem- I mean- I guess. I didn’t mind hobbling everywhere I went, y’know? And, at this point, my doctor told me that I should use a wheelchair. What? Oh, no… he didn’t really care that I lost both my feet. I don’t think he cares about me. No man really does! So yeah after that I removed my lower legs. I think- calves, right? That’s what they’re called? Yeah, those were really hard to pull off,,,,,,, but I did it eventually! That felt really good. The buildup is strenuous, you have to knead your lower leg muscles upward until all the skin is pushed above your knee, and then you have to wiggle your calf a little until it breaks of, but when it does, that sudden release of pressure…

Anyway, yeah, after that it was all uphill from there after that.

So, like, it wasn’t even two hours after I pulled off my claves that I yanked off my thighs. It was kind of funny, seeing them there, with all the skin left from my calves’ kind of just, dangling there. Like wet, slimy, raw chicken. Anyway, yeah, then it was really easy to take my thighs out. They kind of just popped out of the hip sockets. Yeah…that was nice. At this point, I also started to pull my fingers out of my palm. It was fun, kind of like… breaking a carrot in half. No... celery. Celery is what it felt like. Yeah, they broke in half like celery and then twisted out of their little holes. But I didn’t pull all of them out though, oh no. See, I still had no pull my arms and torso off. And… so, I came up with this plan to tie my wrists to my ceiling fan and then just hang there until my arms fall off! I thought it was a good plan. I had become quite good at, y’know, climbing, at this point, so it was easy to hoist myself up there. I tied some rope around my hands and around the fan, and just, hung out for a while. Yeah, I was only up there for about… seven days. Oh no, I wasn’t hungry or anything, I don’t get hungry anymore,

So, yeah, then finally I kind of slid out of my arms and onto the floor. But, I had one last problem. I still loved him-I mean, I still had my torso. I thought, if I could get rid of my torso, then all the problems that past me had would go away. Cause, God, past me had a lot of problems. But every time I removed a limb, I felt another one of my problems break away from me, and it freed me, yeah, it freed me. Oh yeah. But I still had my torso! Real shame, everyone agreed. Everyone. Even him. Okay, so you want to know what happened? It was really funny, yeah. Okay, so I’m sitting there, crying over him, my nose is running like crazy, and all of a sudden, I sneeze, and BOOM! My torso comes right off! Thank God, my tears finally helped me for once! So now I’m just a head. A head of the gamer more like, amiright?

Oh, I forgot to mention that I pulled my ears off but I can still hear things because God won’t let me die.

After I was sitting there for a while my boyfriend walked in on me, just a torso now, sitting on the ground and he said, is pain the easiest way to express oneself? And I said, no, love is the easiest way. And he said, but isn’t pain, the essential and universal aspect of human experience, be more easily understood-

I said, sure, fine, that’s fine.

He said, you’re a waste of space.

I said, that’s fine.

He said, are you sure its fine?

I said, I don’t know anything anymore.

He said, can I make love to you the way that you are now? It kind of turns me on.

I said, that’s physically impossible and a little weird.

He said, but I love you.

I said, sure, whatever.

He said, what do you need me to do.

I said, I don’t love you anymore, so there’s nothing you can do.

He said, all I feel is pain now.

I said, me too.  But its okay because we’re together now. And he picked me up and we walked off into the sunset together. And all my limbs started dancing with excitement.

[emily-roses-babble]

They Talk to Me, but Who are They Anyway-2017

Do you think walls become nervous when people talk to them? Do you think that the joists that uphold the floor we stand on feel like giving up on the world? Does the sun ever wish that it would stop burning? Does the Earth get dizzy from turning? Do atoms feel? Do they have any emotion at all?

How would we know? I could say that my own possessions talk to me. My calculator talks to me when I give it problems to do. My dictionary talks to me, which is why I never finish my reports. Am I wrong in saying this? That my pen tries to run away from the words I write, but I always pull it back?

What say the wandering mind. That the person, any person, knowns their own emotions are chemical reactions. What difference is there, say to a lonely child and a troubled artist, that assign emotions to inanimate object. Loneliness. We cannot explain our emotions, so we give everything emotions. To feel less lonely. Everything has emotions. Computers, even they. We both hum on a lonely, internal code.

Yet what is the true human experience? What is the one thing that binds all humans together, the one thing that we all experience? Many say that it is death. I say it is just the process of dying that we all experience. We truly do not know what happens after our eyes close for the last time. Reflect on this: what truth is there in the belief of a unicorn? It is almost unanimously agreed that unicorns do not exist. Yet consider this: we all believe in horses. We all believe in horns. But not unicorns? What is a unicorn except an amalgamation of these two things?

It is because we have never experienced a unicorn. What we have not experienced, what we cannot comprehend, is exempt from the human experience. So what other things are exempt from this? Infinity, infinity is a concept we do not experience (unless you are so hopeful as to believe that human consciousness is preserved after death, which I believe is the greatest hope any single person can have. I also have the same hope). God is an experience we will never have. God, infinity,unicorns… they are all on the same plane of existence. Yet no human has experienced this plane.

So does the plane exist? Does it exist because we want it to exist? Did we create it?

Would these things still exist if we didn’t believe in him at all?

Does God exist independent of our own beliefs?

    Worrying about unanswerable questions is a waste of precious time. Why waste it on stress when you could waste it on a computer. Their code and our DNA are not to different from each other. A computer’s AI is no different from the human mind, in the sense that we both have a need gather more information and constantly improve ourselves. We project ourselves onto other inanimate things, much like a computer projects an image on a screen, because we would like to believe that if we share parts of ourselves then we can find someone who has the same experiences as us. Is that the human experience? To what end does the wondering mind find solace, to what degree of satisfaction must it reach in order to be happy. If being happy is part of the human experience at all.

Tell me,

The projection on the screen of the man running,

Does he know he’s not going anywhere?

[emily-roses-babble]

The Little Things in Life-2018

Once upon a time (where time is different in an enchanted forest, in oppose to say, a Wall Street boardroom), there lived a gigantic toadstool named  Esperanza, with huge legs, a booming voice, and monster abs. She lived in a massive mansion on the edge of expansive forest, under a gargantuan tree. She thought she was a big deal as she expected all inferior creatures did by superior creatures. She wished that they were not so intimidated by her, for you see, just north of Esperanza's monsters abs was an even bigger heart. She longed to converse with the multitude of animals. She wanted to be something that no being in the world could ever be afraid of, something so friendly and pure, that everyone would want to be her friend.

   She wanted to be… a flower.

A beautiful, luscious, towering flower with a thick green stem and regal but dainty leaves. There used to be a meadow right across from where she lived, that was unimpressive and a little mediocre-or at least Esperanza thought so, for it could never be s pretty and outstanding as her. She remembered little yellow dandelions that sometime turned into charming white clouds when the wind blew threw them, but even those were unimpressive. Dandelions! Pfft! They only came in two colors, not even living to the standard of the millions of colors she knew flower existed in.

However, the meadow is gone now. Esperanza assumes that the flowers all packed up shop and went to go live on the other side of the mountain, probably hoping to find a meadow of prettier and more vibrant flowers. That’s was were she was heading. She was going to demand that all the flowers show her how to be a flower so she could be one herself, and she arrogantly thought to herself that she could be a better flower than they. She imagined bees coming to greet her as she would shower them with her golden pollen. She imagined the wind dancing with her and she shyly resisting its advances. She wanted to chat with birds and butterflies and squirrels and make friends with all the other animals and bugs that lived in this great forest, although she knew that their intelligence would pale next to her.

Being a toadstool is not easy. It requires diligence, persistence, stamina, beauty, and most of all, humbleness. She fit all of these traits perfectly, better than any other toadstool she knew. She knew other toadstool existed, as she often saw them congregating in rings under meeker, smaller trees around the forest. She never talked to them. They were beneath her. Their strength came in numbers. Her strength came from herself. They lived together, thrived off each other, while she earned her own on her own. She had tiny stumps for legs, though in her mind they were tall and slender. She had trouble climbing up and over things. Despite these obvious shortcoming, she considered herself to be the prime example of what a toadstool should be. If she was so good at being herself, than being an even better version of herself should not be hard, which is what Esperanza's main motivation in this endeavor was. To become an even greater version of her great self.

So at noon she packed all her things in her gigantic walnut, and set off towards the mountain, directly north of her home. She marched along for quite some time, turning  periodically to watch as her house slowly dwindled from her sight. She walked until she walked about two twigs worth of distance until she became fatigued and sat down. This was the farthest she had ever been from home, and she realized it was where she spotted the dandelions the first time.

   Suddenly, a big, beautiful, blue jay flew down and landed right in front of Esperanza. She looked at the blue jay with something close to awe. He was a gallant shade of the noon sky, but he had an odd look in his eye. The blue jay rustled his feathers and looked down intently at Esperanza.

   “Oh my, aren’t you a little one?” He said in a passive aggressive tone.

   “Little? I’m not little” she said in a voice that sounded anything but little. Had never been talked to that way, she wondered where this wonderful blue jay found the nerve to speak to her. She almost didn't notice the red streak out of the corner of her eye.

   The blue jay laughed dismissively. “Sure you’re not little, comparatively speaking.”

   “Comparatively speaking? You better treat me with respect! Don’t you know who I am?” Esperanza said with as much fierceness as a four inch being can muster.

   “I’m afraid I don’t. Care to enlighten me?” The blue jay said as he cocked his head to the side.

   “You… I… What...” Esparanza was shocked. How could he not know? How could any creature not know? She was Esperanza T. Stool. She was shaken, but she would not lose face in front of this peasant of a bird. “You must be new here, ‘cause I’m a pretty big deal around these parts, both in reputation and stature.”

   “Oh really?” he said, even more dismissively than before. Because I’ve lived in his forest my whole life, and I’ve never even seen you before, and I know hundreds of toadstools.”

Esperanza heard a rustling from behind her. But her attention was completely taken by this arrogant bird.

   “And another thing,” said the blue jay, “ you’re pretty small to be talking to me so arrogantly. I’ve know I’ve been told I’m quite small for a bird my age, but you are less than half my height, so don’t come talking to me about size. Your size has dulled your brain so that you can’t even see what a precarious situation you have placed yourself in.”

   Esperanza huffed, blowing her cheeks out. “What is your name, bird? And how dare you think that you can talk to me so you dirty, slimy-”

   “I’m Cain!” the blue jay said with flamboyant spread of his wings. “And that-” he gestured behind her “is Abel!”

   Suddenly, a swish of red flashed before Esperanza's eyes. She had no time to react until she was practically on her back, and turned just in time to see her luggage flying away. She sat up, disgraced and embarrassed, only to see one red streak and one blue streak, like an incomplete rainbow, soaring into the distance.

    Esperanza was on the verge of tears. She could tell her cheeks were red, and she suddenly knew she was wrong about everything. Wrong about her importance in the scheme of things, wrong about leaving her house, wrong about engaging  in a conversation with a stupid bird. But she would not embrace any of these things just yet.. She ran back to her house as fast as her tiny legs would take her, tiny legs, that she once thought would take her on a journey around the world.

   Once back at her old familiar tree, she sat on the ground in front of her house. No point in going inside to reminisce on a lifetime of possessions, in walnut, with a bird, in the sky. Esperaza was angry.  Esperanza needed to release her anger somehow. She tried breaking sticks and stomped all over a poor fallen leaf that she somehow blamed for falling. She tormented a pill bug by flipping him over, then chasing him until she could flip him over again. As she chased the pill bug over to the front of the tree, she realized that she was now in an area of the tree that she had never seen before. She suddenly heard a loud, booming voice say “Leave the poor pill bug alone!”

   Esperanza slipped on a leaf, flipped over, and landed right on her toadstool. She thought she did it with grace. She frantically tried to right herself when she heard the voice say, “Doesn’t feel so good now, does it?”

   The tree. The tree was talking to her. Was this day going to get any worse for Esperanza?

   Esperanza filled her lungs while yelling, “How dare you! Don’t you know who I am?” Her voice cracked a little while shouting.

   “I don’t know who you are, but I do know that you are quite rude” the tree said. His voice was old and dry, but there was an air of regalness to it.

   “I inhabit the north side of your body, sir, so you should not be saying such things to me!” Esperanza tried to match his tone, but it sounded more like a child throwing a temper tantrum than a wise king.

   “You do not inhabit my north side, my dear.” he said slowly, with a sense of time embedded in his speech. “And I do not recognize your face. You live on my south side, dear.”

   Ew. She did not enjoy talking to beings who looked down on her.

   “I don’t have time for this” said Esperanza “I’m trying to go to the mountain.”

   “Oh, and what does a little one like you have to do with the mountain?”

   Esperanza did not like this tree and the way it kept trying to talk to her.

   “I’m going to go to the meadow on the other side of the mountain so I can be a flower. You know the mountain, right? I can assume you’ve talked to the mountain before?”

   “Why, I can’t say that I have” said the tree ruefully. “My much taller brethren may have, since they live much closer to the mountain. They are older than me by far. I am but a child in their eyes.”

   What the hell? Esperanza thought to herself. Neither the tallest nor the oldest? Neither the wisest nor the greatest? It all took Esperanza quite by surprise. Esperanza became nauseous and took a deep breath. A lot of things have happened today, she thought.

   “But what an adorable dream…” the tree said, almost sounding like he was dreaming himself. He closed his eyes, took a deep breath, then spoke again.

   “Here is what I am proposing to you, little one. I do not tolerate coarse attitude among the animals that live in my domain. However, I believe that you have great conviction in your dream. So here is my offer- an escort will take you straight to the meadow of the mountain. On the condition that you do not return to my neck of the woods. Do I make myself clear?”

   “What kind of ultimatum is this? I’m Esperanza T. Stool! You can’t kick me out of my own home!”

   “I can do anything I want, as long as it concerns my property.” the tree said viciously.

   They bickered back and forth for a while. Esperanza had no experience arguing with other beings. She wanted to befriend all the creatures of this great land, but this tree was making it hard. Esperanza screamed and kicked at the tree, but the he would not budge. Esperanza tired herself out, for she could not find a way out of this cycle of feuding. Finally, the tree bellowed out a proclamation: “Esperanza T. Stool, I tire of this endless tomfoolery. You must make decision on what I have offered. Your house will be destroyed, and the awful stain you have left upon my home will be erased, no matter the outcome. You must choose how you leave. Will you soar towards your unsecured dream or life comfortably within this forest?”

Esperanza stood there, motionless. The rage that ignited her passion was now subsiding.

   The tree laughed. “Now you look like every other toadstools I know! Motionless, but a bit smaller than the rest-”

   “Deal.” She had no hesitation in her voice. She had lost everything for this dream. She obviously was not going to get there on foot, nor would she be able to comfortably live somewhere else with this incomplete dream. If this is what it took, then so be it. If she had to shame herself at every turn just to eventually show other flowers up with her generosity and kindness, then so be it. She would cloak herself in her arrogance like an old blanket.

“Very well. Fatima! Escort this toadstool to the mountain.”

A dirt colored dove flew down to the ground in front of Esperanza. This dove was a warm shade of mud, with bald spots all over and two missing talons from her claws.

   “How do you do dearie” she said with cheerieness but a drag in her voice. The dove lay one of her wings down to the ground, allowing Esperanza to walk up onto her back. Esperanza left no regrets, for she knew that regret would only make her go back on her actions. Everything she owned was gone. Her home taken by the tree. Yet she was still willing to suffer for her dream.

   They soared upward, the cool wind making advances towards her. After a moment, the dove began to speak.

   “Quite the chilly weather today, eh dearie?”

   “Sure,” Esperanza said indifferently.

   “Seems like winter is just over the horizon. Gonna be a cold one by the looks of it…”

   More silence.

   “Oh, keep your head up, dearie. You may find many magical things when at the mountain. I know that many of the flowers in our little forest have already migrated to that better place. I’ve heard that people who make the pilgrimage to the mountain never return, because they find such wonderful things there! Or, perhaps they don’t return because… well, it’s always good to see things at a positive angle-”

   Esperanza cut her off. “Is the forest small?”

   “Oh, yes dearie. I’ve only seen a handful of forests in my life, and ours is quite small by comparison. But I’m alright with that. I like our little sector of life.”

   Only the wind could be heard now.

   “You know, I once set off on a little adventure of my own. Oh yes, I did! I was much like you, young and hungry to find myself. One spring season many, many years ago I decided to pick myself up, exercise my wings, and travel to new places. I flew around to neighboring forests, met some quirky and friendly critters, and even thought about meeting with the mountain to ask him questions, just as you are. Oh yes, indeed! It was all very exhilarating. Alas, when autumn came back around I grew homesick, and journeyed back. I rested throughout winter, and when spring came along I set out again on another adventure! I did this for many years. I’m much too old now to do radical things like that, oh no! It’s taking all my energy just to scale this mountain! Yes, dearie, I suppose that’s my story. What about yours?”

   Esperanza was a bit taken back by the question. “I.. um…”

   “Well, dearie, I know that toadstools usually sprout up in groups. Do you have any siblings?”

   “No…” she said meekly.

   “Ah, well, that’s fine dearie. I didn’t have any siblings growing up either. Even though it’s nice to have a group of people that you can call your family, you cannot find yourself within people who are just like you, dearie. Sometimes the only things we learn in life are through the people we relate to the most.

   “You know, there was a pair of birds, a while back, who fell from their nests when they were young and had to fend for themselves. The tree, you know, our tree? He let them both stay within his abode and helped raise them to adulthood. Those two birds, a red one and a blue one,  they also craved adventure and to become something greater than themselves. However, they were a bit too ambitious. They enjoyed playing tricks on their fellow creatures, and took their practical jokes too far. The tree had no choice but to banish them, much like what happened to you. Now I hear they steal from helpless beings and hoard it all away in a cave somewhere. Poor dears, I helped raise them y’know. Taught them how to fly. I wonder if they’re doing any better now…”

   Esperanza decided to keep any opinions she had on the situation to herself.

“And the tree, you know, our tree, so sorry about that. He can be a bit too austere and righteous. He wants to be seen as clean, his animals free from any negative attitudes and nasty habits. He is very rooted in his beliefs- oh!- excuse the pun. He hates those who are too proud, yet can’t see how proud he is himself. Well, perhaps it’s always good to not be so involved with one’s own self image. Right, dearie?”

“I suppose.” Esperanza still couldn’t forgive  the tree for the choices he forced her to make.

“Don’t be angry at the tree, dearie. It is never good let anger linger, or else it will never leave.”

“How did you know-”

“Oh ho! I can tell dearie. I just know these things! I can also tell that you are preoccupied with some hurtful thoughts. What’s on your mind?”

“I suppose…” Esperanza felt an odd warm feeling from inside her. She never opened up to another being before. She never had the chance to relate her feelings to another, who seemed to understand her. But before she could say anything, she realized that they were right in front of the mountain.

“Ah! Here we are!”

Once they perched on a ledge of the mountain, Fatima dropped Esperanza off, and she felt a chill go down her back. Fatima took a deep breath.

“You know, dearie, perhaps this is not such a great idea.”

Esperanza looked at Fatima, baffled by her statement.

“Like I said… I tried to converse with the mountain one time as well. I asked him what the hardest part of life was. And what he told me, I did not like. He knows everything, from the smallest ant to the tallest tree, he sees and hears it all. The truth will always be very harsh, dearie. Perhaps it is better that you don’t hear what he has to say about this whole flower business. You could.. You know… come back to the tree? I can convince that ol’ timer to let you live with him once again. You can live in your house, or with me in my nest. It gets quite lonely there, and-”

“No.” Esperanza said, louder than she meant to.

“But dearie-”

“No no NO! I will complete my goal! I will become the most gorgeous flower out there! I will make all creatures jealous of how beautiful I am! I will make those two banished bird brothers regret crossing my path! I will make the tree rue throwing me out of my own home! And you-”

Fatima looked at Esperanza with a broken tenderness. A feeling of trust had been lost.

“I understand… if that is your choice.”And Fatima flew back towards the forest.

“Wait!” Esperanza called out. “What did the tree tell you!?” But Fatima was already out of reach.

She felt guilty, but she tried to shake it off. This was the last challenge I have to face, she thought to herself. After this, all answers would be clear. The wind attacked her with its constant stream of freezing agony. It penetrated her eyes so she could not see, and her nose so she could barely breathe. When she reached the peak of the mountain she looked down upon the massive (or was it? She doubted even that) mountain, where she caught sight of it. It. The meadow.

   It was only a patch of 20 dandelions.

   Esperanza looked upon the patch with empty eyes and an empty soul.

   She suddenly felt a slight rumbling. Now what? “Oh oh oh, what’s this?” a deep tremorous voice. The mountain yawned, and in his voice an even greater august than the tree. “Who sits on my back, basking in the bittersweet, frosty sunlight?”

   Bittersweet. Esperanza had never heard that word before but she felt as though it fit her situation. This also applied to her patch. She was bitter about its mediocrity, and felt the sweetness in the justification of her suffering.

“Oh, Esperanza, it is nice to finally meet you, little one…”

Esperanza turned around. “How do you know my name?”

“Oh oh oh, I many things, some would say all things… but no, only some things. You… are looking for the patch of flowers, yes, they are right underneath you…”

She slid down to where the patch is. She stared at one of the flowers, mustered up all of the courage and stamina she had left, and said, “How do I become a flower.”  

   The flower moved slightly, but only because the wind forced it to.

She raised her voice slightly and repeated, “How do I become a flower.”

   “Oh oh oh, little one,” the depths of the mountain rumbled “are you trying to talk to the flowers?”

   The painful, icy wind did not feel pity for Esperanza's plight as it continued to bombard her with its sting.

   “How do I become a flower” she insisted even louder, tears forming in her eyes.

   Esperanza noticed the flowers had bits of grey on the tips of their cute leaves and dainty petals.

   “Oh oh oh, little one, the flowers are dead. They had a good life, but the winter is coming and they just could not hold out. They died peacefully.” The mountain said somenly.

   Dead? What was death?

   The flowers said nothing.

   “Oh oh oh, little one, you could be a flower if you want to! Flowers and fungi are very similar, they both grow in large groups, they both live in unison with the birds and bees of the forest and especially other trees, and they both just stand there and do nothing.

   “But I want to do more than that!”

   “Can you do more than that?”

   The flowers didn’t move.

   “Do you… I…” Esperanza's voice wavered. She took a deep breath.

   “What is the hardest part of life.”

   “Hmmm….” the mountain seemed reluctant to answer. “It feels redundant to tell you something that you already know…”

   Esperanza climbed back up to the  to the peak of the mountain. She looked upon her small forest. She couldn’t find the tree. She couldn’t find Fatima. She couldn’t find her house. But most importantly, she couldn’t find herself.

…

“Hmmmm” the mountain purred.

Silence. Esperanza did not know what her next plan was. She simply had no other plan.

“Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm” the mountain purred, louder than before.

Esperanza pouted over the lost of her dream.

“HmmmmmmmmmmMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM” The mountain roared, louder than ever.

“AH” Esperanza jumped. She almost fell from her perch.

“Ask me... the question.” The mountain said, self-righteously, as though he thought the world would crumble under the weight of his words

“What-what question?” Esperanza shivered. The chilling wind caught up to her.

“The… question.” The mountain slowly, taking a deep breath.

“What… question…” Esperanza asked, downtrodden.

“What you already know… you know… that thing I said a few minutes ago… the hardest part of life is something that you already have experienced… but you don’t know what it is you have experienced… so ask me what it is that you don’t know so I may tell you what it is you already know so that you may know yourself…” the mountain sighed, pleased with his response.

“I… how do you know something about me that I already know about myself that I don’t already know?” Esperanza said carefully.

“No… you already know what it is about yourself. I will clarify this situation you find yourself in by telling you exactly what it is that you have already experienced and now know about yourself… yes…”

“No. That doesn’t make any sense. Your words are not making any sense. You will clarify a situation that I have just experienced, where I discovered something about myself, and you will reveal that thing about me?”

“No… you believed you have learned something about yourself, but you have actually learned a completely new thing about yourself, that I will reveal to you, when you ask the question that will reveal something new about yourself that you have not yet discovered even though you think you have…”

Perhaps it was a lack of communication. Perhaps it was because Esperanza was a toadstool and had no formal grammatical education. Perhaps it was because he was a talking mountain. But this went on longer than it had to. The narrator would like to interject here to tell you, the reader, that this conversation is basically pointless to the main storyline and has no bearing on the actual plot of the narrative. However, the passage of time is important, as these two bicker until the sun rises. By this time, the conversation went from this miscommunication, to the correct way to form a sentence, to why grammar matters at all, to why first impressions are important, to the proper way to address an elder, to a discussion on how old the mountain is. And this is where the narrative will resume.

…

“Hmmmm… perhaps I have lost track of my birthdays, and how many moons I’ve seen…  Hmmmm…” the mountain seemed lost in thought.

“I… I think that I’ve seen about 70 moons… I think I’ve lost count as well.” Esperanza said, unsure of herself.

“Oh oh oh, 74 moons, you have seen 74 moons, little one…”

“Mountain… how do you know so many things?” Esperanza inquired.

“Ah… oh oh oh, I just know these things. When people ask me questions, the answer… just pops into my head, I suppose… even the most difficult ones, I can still provide for…”

“Are there any questions you can’t answer?”

“Hmmm… only the ones I ask myself. That is why I don’t ask questions I already know the answers too…”

“But if you know all the answers, then don’t you ask all questions?”

“Hmmm, hold on, let me put this in a better way. Don’t give me that look- I’m rethinking it! No more grammar lessons, don’t worry...I suppose… I don’t ask things that I don’t want to know the answer too. Such a dangerous business, exploring the limits of one’s imagination.” the mountain grumbled.

“What if someone asks you a question that you are afraid to ask yourself?”

“Oh oh oh, then I suppose I have no choice but to answer it. It just seems like the polite thing to do, after all, they came all this way to see me…”

“I see…” Esperanza was reminded of a polite, yet tired wisdom relayed sometimes by the elderly. She was reminded of Fatima.

“Did you know… that the number four is a symbol of death to many… and that things that come in four are considered bad omens-”

“Do those answers really just pop into your head?” Esperaza interrupted.    “Young lady! What did I say about addressing your elders?” The mountain counter-interrupted.

“Sorry! Sir… are you done talking?” She said curtly.

“Hmph… I am now…” The mountain whispered passively.

“So… do those answers really just pop into your head?”

“Hmmmm… yes…although this may seem like a talent I have, it is in fact a gift we all share. Tell me, little one, where did you get your name from?”

“Ah, well… I guess… I’ve just always called myself that. Esperanza.”

“Oh oh oh, yes, most creatures are given names by parents or siblings, but much like me, you have named yourself… Oh oh oh, indeed… yes, you once had siblings, and now you are all alone… quite tragic, really…”

“Yeah, all my siblings just kind of left me before I could start moving on my own.”    “Ah, no little one, they all died. You were the only one who survived.” the mountain said with a melancholy tone.

“Oh, I didn’t know that.” Esperanza was silent for a while.

“I… I want to ask a question, but I don’t know if I want to know the answer.” Esperanza said, more to herself than the mountain. “And I know you said that you don’t ask yourself these questions either. But I think I should know the answer, even if I don’t like it.”

“Oh oh oh, then ask away, little one.”

“What is death?” Esperanza’s voice cracked.

“Hmmmm… yes, a question I have also been afraid to ask myself.”

“Oh, I’m sorry! You can forget it if it makes you worried…”

“No no, it’s alright. Look at that- you just apologized for something! Perhaps you are growing… let’s see… death is an obstacle that we all must face. It is the only thing all beings will experience. It is the only thing we all have in common. It shows us…”

The mountain took a long pause.

“It shows us how truly unimportant we are. All things fear it, none can escape it. It’s written into our destiny, and is on all our horizons. Even the tallest of trees… or the prettiest of flowers… or the fastest of birds cannot escape death. Do you know what is so unique about you though, little one?”

Esperanza perked up. “What could be special about me? If this death comes for all of us, and it makes us all unspecial-”

“Hmmmm, no, you misunderstand. You have only met creatures who have had encounters with death, even though you have not experienced it yourself. Perhaps now you will understand their actions a little better. In fact... I think that it's time you should be on your way…”

“My way to where?”

“Why, home, of course!”

“Home? I don’t have a home…”

“Oh oh oh! Little one! Truly you do not think this true! Here is my advice: go strike up a conversation with that tree of yours…” A sudden rush of wind flew through the area. It almost picked Esperanza off from her perch, but she desperately fought back. “I think it would be very beneficial!”

“Wait- if death makes us unspecial, then how can there be anything special about me?”

“Oh oh oh! Little one! Death does not validate our existence. It simply humbles us. It reminds us that we must spend our time with those who matter most to us, and what we are remembered by. Sometimes, we want to be remembered by who we are, and not the people we impacted. Therefore, the hardest part of life, little one, is putting one’s self aside for those we care most about!” The wind was starting to pick up now, and Esperanza felt herself being lifted into the air.

“I-I- Wait! You are wrong about something!” she screamed out.

“Wrong?  Oh oh oh, that impossible-”

“I’ve seen 75 moons after the night we had together! I’m 75 moons old!”

“Oh! Oh oh oh oh oh!” The mountain release a tremendous, long laugh. “I suppose you will avoid the bad omen after all!”

“Wait! One more thing!” Esperanza was practically flying now. “I never got your name!”

“Oh oh oh! My name well- it’s Aaron!”

“Aaron!?” Esperanza began to fly away from the mountain, the wind twisting her up and around in the air.

“Like I said, I chose it for myself! There’s no rhyme or reason for it-” Esperanza flew outward, back towards her forest. The last thing she heard was an echo from the mountain.

“I just think it sounds neat!” And with another large gust of wind, she fell backwards into an evergreen tree, and out of sight of the mountain.

…

Esperanza fell through the tree for quite some time, banging and falling over the many branches. When she finally landed on the ground with a dull thud, her squishy body did little to ease the impact. Landing upside down on her head, she struggled to tip herself right side up, while also dealing with the pain of a hundred porcupine quill-like leave impaling her skin

“Did you hear that? Sounds like trouble outside…” the voice said calmly. “Seems like our adventure for today comes a bit early…”

Esperanza struggled to correct herself. She recognized that voice, and wanted to remove herself from the situation as quickly as possible. After a large heave she finally tipped over, corrected herself, and began to walk in the opposite direction of the voice. However, she still had all those pine needles stuck in her, and with every step she took she whimpered out in pain. She did not get far before a familiar, blue, pain in the rear landed right in front of her once again.

Cain held a wing up to his beak, trying to contain his laughter. “Abel!” He cried out, “I’ve found a little hedgehog in our midsts! And what a tiny one it is!”

Esperanza could feel her cheeks turning color. “Leave me alone! I’m trying to go home. Don’t you have anything better to do?”

“Rude! I have many things to do besides stare at you all day, you should be happy to be raced by my presence!” He snickered.

“Sorry, okay? I didn’t mean to offend you or anything…” Esperanza stated.

“You… did you just apologize to me?” Cain said, confused, looking at Esperanza like she had two heads. Esperanza realized that no, she did not mean it, and felt bad for misleading him.

“Well… apology accepted! Take that!” Cain said, righteously.

“Okay… can I leave now?” Esperanza pleaded impatiently.

“No! First, I’m going to introduce you to my brother. For I am Cain- and that!”

   Cain opened his wings. “I ALREADY KNOW WHO YOU TWO ARE!” Cain closed his wings.

   “I- ah- already knew that! Um, well that means that you already know what’s about to happen, right? Say goodbye to your things-”

   “I have! No things! You took them all! Remember!?”

   “Ah- yes! Knew that! Well then…” Cain looked upwards. “Umm, this is a little awkward. Here-” Cain bent down, picked up a twig, hopped over to Esperanza, and set the twig down in front of her. “Take this twig, walk for a while, and then I’ll come and steal it!”

   Esperanza looked up at the bird. Then she looked down, walked around him, and continued on her way.

   “Wait! Where are you going? Cain yelled after her. Esperanza walked forward, not looking back, when she saw a familiar red streak in the air. Suddenly, perched in front of her was a large, red cardinal, staring past her towards his brother.

   “Cain” Abel said, his voice deep and clear, “I found a bunch of acorn nuts on the southside of the evergreen tree, I think you should go check them out.

   “Ah~ Acorns! Silly squirrels and their secret stashes, soon to be stolen by some suave stash master! Be right back!” and flew southward, past the evergreen.

   Esperanza stared at Abel, and he back. Motion was prohibited in this moment.

   “Cain likes alliteration. He’s trying to incorporate it into his everyday speech.” Abel said, breaking the silence.

   Alliteration reminded her of the grammar lesson she had with the tree. She did not want to be reminded of her grammar lesson with the tree.    “I have to go right now.” Esperanza said quickly.

Compared to each other, Cain and Abel clashed together like cool ocean water and hot sand. One had an exotic, outlandish way of presenting himself, while the other was a brick wall, showing no emotion. Yet they complimented each other somehow.

“Sorry about stealing your stuff. Cain likes playing pranks on other people. We returned it once you left. If you noticed. But you never came back. You went to the mountain. Right?” Abel said in low voice. He talked in short sentences, and never stumbled over his words.

“Yeah, so what?”

“So what. It was just a question. You seem like a very sensitive person. Just like Cain.” Abel shook his head at this statement, like he was fact-checking his own words. “Yes, just like Cain.

“You know, Cain likes to act tough and clever. Really, he’s just a goofball. He likes playing jokes on people. He enjoys laughing. He loves sarcasm. No one really gets his sense of humour like I do. I just… I like looking after him. The world has been unreasonably cruel to us. But we survived. And we will continue to survive. I know that many don’t fancy us, but I’m okay with that. We depend on each other, and Fatima comes to visit us still. That’s all I need. And we have fun together. He and I. We weren’t supposed to live for long. But we have. In fact. We are thriving.”

Esperanza thought for a moment. “You… still talk to Fatima.”

“Oh yes. And we heard. About you. About what you said. What you did.”

Esperanza looked down. She remembered the unkind way she addressed Fatima the last time they met.

“Is becoming a flower really that important?” Abel asked, in the same low tone he has been speaking in.

“No, not at all actually.” Esperanza said slowly.

“You know. Fatima told you about how she used to be very adventurous, right? Well, before that she wasn’t. She told us her story. Before she met the mountain. Before she traveled. She wanted to have a family. A big one. But everytime mating season came around. Every. Time. She would lay her eggs. But they would die. It just happened. There was nothing she could do to prevent it. The winters are cold. Very cold. And she decided to stop. Just stop trying to have a family one day. She went on her adventure. Then she asked the mountain a question. And the answer upset her. I don’t know what question she asked. But I think it had something to do with how important she is to others. So she came back her. She took up residence in that tree we found you at. And she has been there ever since.”

There goes that death again, Esperanza thought to herself. Always ruining things. And now that she knew what question was answered, she saw Fatima’s action in a new light.

“And, if we are going to be honest-” Abel stopped short. He looked to the left of Esperanza, and she turned as well. Cain stood there, one large acorn in his mouth.

“I don’t think, I really don’t think-” For the first time, Abel stumbled over his words.

Cain dropped the acorn. “Yes. Our dear Fatima may not live through this next winter. It seems to be particularly harsh…I don’t know if she can keep herself warm…”

Esperanza felt something that she hadn’t felt for a long time. Fear.

“Wait… really? You mean, after this winter, I could never see her again?” Esperanza squealed.

“Well, yes-”

“Please! Take me to her! I need to- I-” Esperanza cried out. She panicked. She felt a sort of hysteria that was unfamiliar to her. The fear of death. Is this why the mountain never thought about death? Such a horrible feeling, a dread that never goes away, of a certain end.

“I will take you. I can fly fast.” Abel said, stretching his wings.

“Okay, I’ll climb on your back-” But before she could finish, Abel had picked her up by her head with his talons, and ascended upward.

“Have fun!” Cain yelled, and bent down to pick up his acorn.

…

Abel dropped Esperanza off in the front of the tree. Dropped, from a high place, in midair, except this time she landed upright. “Ah, of course. Back again, eh?” The tree rumbled, although now he seemed much less intimidating than before.

“I’m here to see Fatima!” Esperanza yelled, asserting her dominance in this situation.

“She has no need for you. You have lost your privilege to even speak before me so! Begone foul one!”

“I- I have to speak to her! Is she there? Fatima! Fatima!!”

“Enough! She will not come to greet you and you leave my vicinity.”

“Please! Please-” Esperanza did not know what to do. Instinct told her to fight. But that did not work last time. She thought of what she has learned, and what the mountain told her.

“I’M SORRY YOU’RE OLD! YOU’RE SO OLD!”Esperanza screamed as loudly as she could.

“WHAT???” The tree yelled back, extremely offended. “I’M OLD? YOU’RE OLD! I’M NOT OLD! MY LEAVES ARE JUST THINNING! I’M NOT BALDING OR ANYTHING!”

“NO! You are old! That’s why you only want the best of the animals to live with you! I-” Esperanza felt like she was about to cry. But she could not stop.

“You used to let all kind of animals live with you! But now! You are selective because when you die, you want to be seen as some sort of legend! A tree that only had the very best creatures living in it! It’s because Fatima told you about what the tree said! About who you are after you die! But!” Esperanza inhaled deeply.

“You’re missing the point! You can’t select who you will be kind to! You have this image of yourself, and you think that doing this will make you a better person... but it doesn’t! It makes you look even worse! You shouldn’t think that you’re better than anyone else, especially others you haven’t met yet! You should just be yourself and not try and be something that your not!”

The tree was silent. Esperanza was breathing deeply, as she adjust exorcised all the emotions she bottled up during her adventure. She realized she was very tired, and sat down, resting herself against one of the tree’s roots.

Finally, Esperanza broke the silence. “I’m so tired” she whispered, exasperated. “I just want to see Fatima… I want to apologize, I do want to live with her, because…”

“Because why?” The tree asked, also quietly.

“Because… I don’t know why…”

“Because you realize that we cannot waste time being something that we are not, and instead spend it in harmony with those we care about. Yes?”

“Yes…” Esperanza trailed off. She closed her eyes, and instead of seeing blackness, she saw color. All the colors she could imagine, dotted along her makeshift night sky. The dots were stationary, but swayed back and forth from time to time. She saw that thin green waves, one for each dot, extended downward, and curled to form rows of green. The rows began to sprout wings of all sizes, up and down the long stalks. Some of the dots gave birth to new dots, which also had those green strings. And yet, sometimes the dots would fall, but a new one would take its place. Esperanza dreamed of this cycle, and observed it with no malice, but was eased by the natural progression of this life.

When she awoke, she awoke to darkness. But she was warm. She felt silky feathers cover herself like a blanket, and she felt perhaps the most comfortable she ever has. She attempted to move, but when she did she heard a familiar source of comfort:

“Don’t move now, dearie, for it is late and the night gts awfully cold in the winter.” Fatima’s voice seemed even slower than it was before.

“Fatima… I’m sorry I-”

“No time for such talk, dearie. There is no need to say anything.”

“Are we in the tree right now?”

“Yes, dear Erin was very moved by your words, dearie…”

“The tree’s name is Aaron? Fatima, did you know that the mountain is also named Aaron?”

“Oh no dearie, Er-in, not Aa-ron, there is a difference.”

“How do you know?”

“Oh” Fatima exhaled. “I just know these things.”

Esperanza remembered her lessons with the tree, and decided to not inquire further.

“I had faith you would come back to me, dearie, I’m so glad you did…It’s nice to have someone to share a nest with, even if it’s just for one winter…”

“What makes you say that? We will have many winters together!”

“Ho ho, if you say so, dearie…”

“Oh, I know so. I just know these things.”

“Ho ho ho!” Fatima’s laugh was genuine.

A long pause.

“Dearie… may I ask you a question? How did you do it?”

“Do what?”

“Why, become a flower, of course!”

“Oh, I didn’t become a flower. When I went to the mountain… all the flowers were dead.”

“Oh dearie I’m so sorry. Are you alright?”

“I’m fine, don’t worry about me… I’m not that big of a deal anyway…”

“Oh, dearie, I think you’re a very big deal! And I think that, perhap you have bloomed into something much bigger than yourself, even if you don’t see it yet. Dearie… I’m very proud of you…”

“Oh! Thank you…” Esperanza could hear Fatima becoming more tired. Finally, she said:

“Tomorrow, Fatima, we will go on a grand adventure.”

“Oh… sounds like fun…” Fatima could barely be heard.

“We’ll go visit the mountain, and those two bandit bird brothers, we can go scale the whole forest and back, we can see what lies beyond the sea, and…

Fatima said nothing. It was very cold.

“We can go see a grand patch of flowers together.”

And they lived happily ever after.

THE END

[emily-roses-babble]

Olive Garden Gothic Reprise-2018

    Flesh in motion, propelled by meat and bone, piloted by tissue. Controlled by time, products of space. Carbon-based lifeforms, on a rotating rock, in the middle of nowhere. Knowers of nothing. However, creators of culture. Lifeforms built to recognize patterns, to packbond with the other flesh packs they roam their rock with. Buoyant in water. Summoners of civilization. But not unique. Still premature, but not unique. Never will be.

    This is how Coco the Chinchilla, Apprentice to the Stars, Pupil to the Cosmos, saw this world. She, also in her infancy, sought to understand the intelligent life that populated over the 60 billion habitable planets in her little home of the milky way. She often thought of her own abode when regarding these carbon critters. She was born from the energy of her parent black hole in the middle of this small galaxy. These beings, they only thought that black holes sucked in all forms of energy and light, which they do, but they spit out just one thing. Chinchillas. Chinchillas have been around since the dawn of eternity. When humans look into the sky, their eyes filled with wanderlust, and they happen to catch a so-called “shooting star” pass by their eyes, they are actually seeing chinchillas. And Coco the Chinchilla, Apprentice to the Stars, Pupil to the Cosmos, has made it her personal quest to make acquaintance to all the living things within her home. She is about half way through her journey.

    And she is not impressed with humans. She has witnessed spectacular giants and microorganisms alike, sodium and sulfur based species, beings who will continue to live and bask in the glory of the universe until the end of time. Humans are nothing of note, unfortunately.  Their ecosystem is lacking in diversity, their intelligence is limited, their strength is menial, and their lifespans are short. Even their own body systems are simplistic. She wondered how they survived for so long. She wondered many things about these humans. But she is prepared to befriend them nonetheless. She, a daughter of the marriage of time and space, wishes to comprehend her universe better. She has already begun her patronization of the human race with this odd looking specimen. His hair is black like the emptiness of up above, his eyes are protruding a bit more outwards than everyone else, and his jaw comes up and over his upper lip. He has a rectangular face and bushy eyebrows. He isn’t wearing any clothes except for a trapezoidal like piece of cloth placed over his genitals. At this point in time, Coco the Chinchilla, Apprentice to the Stars, Pupil to the Cosmos, is sitting inside some establishment with , inside of the piece of cloth he is wearing. He continuously shoves bits of human subtanance into Coco the Chinchilla, Apprentice to the Stars, Pupil to the Cosmos’ face, much to her dismay. After a short while (Coco the Chinchilla, Apprentice to the Stars, Pupil to the Cosmos, has learned to calculate how the human’s calculate their passage of time in accordance to their rotation around the sun. About two hours have passed.) she begins to hear two other humans shouting at each other. What strange rituals they have, with the way they interact with each other.

     Coco the Chinchilla, Apprentice to the Stars, Pupil to the Cosmos, was severely disappointed by the lack of excitement the humans have in their lives. Honestly, she thought to herself, what is the point of all this? It’s as though they want their species to fail. They hardly try at all, as they lazily stumble around from day to day, doing nothing with their meaningless lives. They had nothing to show for all the years they’ve been alive, nothing at all. Completely pointless beings who should just die. They should all just die.

    The human she has taken residence with bends down to her and whispers “Beelzebub.” She takes no notice and continues avoiding the substance he keeps shoving into her throat.

[emily-roses-babble]

The Ocean-2016

The Ocean

There’s something about the ocean that ticks me off. Something about a huge, big body of water that seems endless,

In its own pretentious majesty, The ocean thinks it’s really cool, Being all grand and big and stuff.

I’m Going to Fight the Ocean. Beat up those stupid H2O bonds. Make it cry salt water tears to its ocean mama. Make sure that when it retracts, it retracts for good. My hate for the ocean fuels me.

I go out everyday and scoop up a cup of ocean water

And dump it on the sand. So one day, the whole ocean Will be on the land! Take that ocean!! The ocean, in its narcissistic glory,

Is my enemy Is my poison Is my plague.

And it’s not because I don’t know how to swim and my bathing suit bottom came off my body in the ocean that one time in summer camp. I just really hate the ocean for OTHER reasons.

...

Shut up, Mom. Stop laughing. That hurts my feelings.

[emily-roses-babble]

Olive Garden Gothic-2018

So I’m sitting in Olive Garden, it’s 9:30 at night, I’m by myself and I’m on my third basket of infinite breadsticks, I’ve downed two glasses of wine, and I’m looking around hoping no one notices that I’ve been feeding pasta to the tiny chinchilla I stole from the pet store two hours ago, and I see this girl, who looks to be around middle aged, with pixie cut blonde hair and neon green highlights and an undercut that’s been dyed blue, and she's wearing a beige poncho with snow white lace on the bottom and a really dirty, torn, mustard yellow ball gown underneath it- but the weirdest thing about her- was that she was wearing socks with sandals. It’s the middle of October! Anyway, if she had muscles, she wasn’t using them. She sat perfectly still the entire time I was there, that was, until the waiter came along.

Let me set this scene better for you, because it’s really late at night and there is no one else in this restaurant, and  there are no cars on the highway, and that seems like an important detail, because there is also no commotion coming from the kitchen and there is only that woman and myself and my chinchilla, and the weirdest thing- there was only one waiter, and he had no name tag! So I never learned his name. Shame, cause he seemed like a nice guy.  He was a small man, very round, a perfect sphere. His head was a marble, except for his two little plump cheeks, so very chubby, that when he smiled you couldn’t see his eyes. And he never stopped smiling. But he seemed kind. When he took my order I felt very calm, like, I could really trust this man. He wouldn’t hurt me. He wouldn't hurt anyone.

But when he took this woman’s order, the whole mood of the room changed, like she moved for the first time when he approached her and when he said “What would you like to order ma'am?” She said “Lettuce” and this waiter, a bit confused, said “Like a salad, ma’am?” and she said “No, just lettuce” and the waiter said “Ok” and went into the kitchen and a couple minutes later he came out with a plate of lettuce and set it on the table and as he was about to leave the girl said “Cheese” and the waiter turned around and said “what?” and she said “Cheese, I want cheese” and the waiter said, “ok” but the funny thing is- get this- he never stopped smiling. Like, if someone was that rude to me, I would give them a piece of my mind! But he kept smiling, sweetly and sincerely. What a guy.

And, this lady, she was just so rude to him, like when he brought over the cheese and he started grating it and he said “just say when” and he kept going and going and going and let me tell you, she had a sizable amount of cheese on her lettuce, and when he tried to stop she said “I didn’t say stop” and he said “ok” and he kept going and he went on for like five minutes and  he kept going and she just kept looking at him with this stone-cold face, like she never moved a muscle and she never blinked, and after like 20 minutes he’s still going and she is still staring at him and he is still going and it looks like he’s getting tired because his hands start shaking but he keeps going, he just keeps going, and this lady just keeps going, and after an hour or so the cheese has formed like a two foot tall mountain, you can’t even see the lettuce, and she is still staring, and this guy is still going, and his legs are about to give out it looks like, but he has this determined look on his face like he is not ready to give up, and I’m thinking to myself, “Where is he getting all this cheese from…” because it seemed to be never ending, just like my breadsticks, of which I was on my 15 basket by now. I mean, I was really going at it. And I felt kind of bad. This guy’s hands were literally bleeding. He was crying. He kept crying. And he kept spreading cheese. And the woman did not move. A fly flew on her face at one point. She still didn’t move. She didn’t blink. She stared. She must really like cheese. He once broke character. He exasperatedly said to the woman, “Please, I want to see my family.”

“More cheese.” She said.

“I’m so very tired ma’am.”

“More cheese.”

“Why are you doing this ma’am?”

“You know what you did. More Cheese.”

“I don’t know what you are talking about!  Please let me go home.”

“You know. More cheese.”

“Are you talking about Fort Lauderdale back in the summer of ‘69?”

“Yes. More cheese.”

He continues to grate.

“I was hungry!”

“More cheese.”

“It was a mistake!”

“More cheese.”

“I was desperate!”

“More cheese.”

“Please… leave me alone…”

“More cheese.”

“I’ve already paid the price or that! You can’t keep haunting me!”

“More cheese.”

“PLEASE LET ME GO HOME.”

“More cheese.”

    I decided to leave at this point because those two seemed to have history or something, and my chinchilla, who I decided to name beelzebub, had started to fall asleep so I went home. And that was my night.

[emily-roses-babble]

Move Along, Nothing to See Here-2017

    When the cows stopped mooing, we didn’t really care. In fact, we didn’t really notice at first. When you’re driving down a highway and you pass a farm, you usually think “oh wow a farm” not “why don’t I hear cows.” So we didn’t really care in the beginning. The farmers noticed at first, obviously. The farmer man would say to his farmer wife “he the cows aren’t mooing” and the farmer wife would say “hey that’s weird.” The farmer man would then tell his farmer friends, who all had the same problem. Eventually this phenomenon made the farmer news, and then the national news. “Wow” everyone said in unison, not really knowing they were talking in unison, “that’s really weird.” Nothing really happened after that until a few weeks after that when the cows started to leave the farm. Cows would be found in streets, parking lots, grocery stores, and even homes. One time the farmer man came home to his farmer wife only to find a cow sitting on the couch with one hoof over his farmer wife. “She’s my wife now Jim” the cow said. The farmer man let with a lot of questions, like, his name wasn’t even Jim. Cows eventually began to talk just like people, walking like them, they started to wear clothes, interview for jobs, startup small businesses (they flourished in the dairy business  and even ran for government positions. The cows started to rule the world. 

 Some farmer men, like the farmer whose name isn’t Jim, thought about rebelling against these cows. They got their farmer pitchforks and pointy sticks and marched on the renamed cow-tipal hill. Suddenly, gigantic spaceships descended upon the rebelling farmers. Not Jim the farmer man was one of the many who were abducted by these spacecraft. On board the ships, he saw technology far more advanced than Earth’s. The ship was also filled with cows. One of the alien cows walked up to Jim and pointed a gun-like object to his head. The farmer whose name was never Jim pleaded with the cow-liens, “why are you doing this?” The cow-lien looked him straight in the eyes.

“The cows have finally come home” and shot him point blank in the head, killing him instantly.

[emily-roses-babble]

Infinity-2018

Rotating Infinity

One eye, one eye, two eyes, three eyes, five eyes, eight eyes, thirteen eyes. A pair of 13 eyes. A pair of 13 eyes watching you. You are watching 13 eyes. Snake eyes. A pair of 13 snake eyes watching you. Snakes on a rotating wheel. 13 eyes rotating on a wheel. God on a rotating wheel. God watching you. God with thirteen eyes watching you. God with snake eyes, watching you. A knife that has existed longer than you have. A knife made of the same elements you are. A knife that disproves your existence. 13 knives on a rotating wheel. Your heart beat. Your heart beats faster than you do. A knife in your heart. 13 knives in your heart rotating on a wheel while God watches with snake eyes. A snake that proves you don’t exist. Eyes that disprove the existence of snakes. Your eyes disprove the existence of a rotating wheel. We have all existed since the beginning of time. We disprove our own existence. Time on a rotating wheel. We are rotating on an existing wheel. Time rotates but it does not exist because we created it and we do not exist. God disproves the concept of time that we have created. We created God. Rotating eyes are rotating on 13 wheels. Snake eyes looking at your heart and it kills you and we disproved the existence of God. Time looking at you with 13 eyes. A pair of rotating snake eyes in the beginning. Your heart disproves you existence. Snake eyes in the beginning. Snake eyes kill snakes. 13 rotating wheels are just a concept we have created. The beginning of time with knives. God disproving the existence of God. Rotating eyes. Rotating snakes. Rotating hearts. Rotating God. Rotating Knives. Rotating heart. Rotating existence. Rotating time. Rotating Beginning. Rotating self.

Rotating Rotating rotating.

[emily-roses-babble]

so there’s a small field between the theatre building and another building on campus

and for the past week or so there’s been a tent just chilling

yesterday I saw this one guy I know sitting outside of it reading and asked him if it was his tent. He said yes. I asked him why he had a tent on campus and he replied, “what do you usually do with a tent?” and I said “well, camp in it, but…” and he just went “yeah” and went back to his book

um

ok

[emily-roses-babble]

conference week spring 2014, a mix- this is the home stretch, kid. 

1. girls (the knocks remix) the 1975// 2. little secrets passion pit// 3. strange architecture cold fronts// 4. young blood the naked and famous// 5. too close alex clare// 6. no angels (feat. ella) (tlc cover) bastille// 7. 15 steps radiohead// 8. creator santigold// 9. something good can work two door cinema club// 10. i bet you look good on the dancefloor arctic monkeys// 11. you! me! dancing! los campesinos!// 12. don’t stop (color on the walls) foster the people// 13. you’ll find a way (switch & sinden remix) santigold// 14. naive (jean tonique remix) the kooks// 15. video games (lana del ray cover) the young professionals// 16. the way we get by spoon// 17. let’s fall asleep together teen daze

listen here