fluffypenguins16

[fluffypenguins16]

I hope I experience the BRAVERY to step into my life’s mission and purpose so I can begin EXPERIENCING the wonders, joy and beauty of the world while CARVING out my unique mark in turn while OPENING my heart up to love and genuine connection and MENTORING others and helping them become while INVENTING and innovating to bring inspiration and break through hesitation through GROWING my skillset and in turn growing as a person

[fluffypenguins16]

Healing is wack because one moment you think you’re ok and the next you feel like you are right back in the middle of the storm

[fluffypenguins16]

Hi

Hello

Good afternoon.

[fluffypenguins16]

[fluffypenguins16]

To my future child,

More likely than not you have four legs and a tail so the contents of this letter are meaningless to you and for that I am forever grateful but on the off chance you’re human, hi it’s me you’re mum way before she even planned on becoming a mother in fact the idea seems absurd to her. So perhaps this letter is just to my inner child I don’t know but anyways here it goes…

I love you and I’m so proud of you, I hope you never go a moment in your day without knowing that. If you’re anything like your mother you probably still put these impossible expectations on yourself despite how much people show you love but I want you to know that love is never earned or deserved it’s given. I hope you have lots of people in your life (me included) that remind you of that fact even though I’m sure there are days when it feels more like fantasy than reality.

I hope you take good care of yourself because health goes so much deeper than just eating healthy and exercising (although those things are super important and I hope I’ve raised you to love fruit as much as I do). Maybe self care looks similar to your mother’s idea and staying in with a hot mug of tea and a good fantasy novel on a Friday night sounds like the best way to recharge or maybe you’re a complete party animal and going to a nightclub is what reminds you that there is light in this world. But either way I hope you have moments of pure bliss and enjoyment free from any pain or expectations placed on yourself despite shoulders.

More likely than not you’ve seen you’re mother struggle deeply at times with her self worth (one of the reasons I feared having you) but I want you to know that this doesn’t have to be you, you can break free of the cycles of self hatred and abuse that have permeated throughout generations of women in your family. So relax and eat the ice cream and if your brain ever tries to convince you otherwise you have my full permission to scream FUCK OFF to it at the top of your lungs.

I’m sure by the time you are reading this letter what you really want answers from me about I have not included in this letter as I am currently not your mother but I want you to know that you can ask me anything. I hope we are close and that you feel like you can come to me for anything.

I love you so much

💗 your mother

[fluffypenguins16]

When the mind is willing but the body doesn’t want to cooperate <<<<<

[fluffypenguins16]

I met my younger self for coffee today

She came in anxiously assessing the coffee shop for any sign of danger with dark circles under her eyes and eyes bloodshot from countless nights feeling paralysed by memories that haunt her no matter how hard she tries to hide.

I patiently reassured her that she was safe here in this moment, I don’t think she fully relaxed…

Regardless I ordered a pot of English breakfast tea for us to share, she smiled at that

She asked me what year it was. I told her it was 2025 she almost joked on her tea at that, “there’s no way”.

“We found a way” I replied.

Adding to her disbelief she noticed the scripts I had on my table.

“How did we ever get into drama school when the very thought of stepping foot in a classroom again sends our body into a state of shock?”

I calmly explained to her that through years of continuous work we finally reached a point where study (although part time) is achievable for us.

She began to shift uncomfortably in pain at that point.

“Don’t worry that will improve soon, you get your life back”

“You mean the doctors finally listened to us” she asked shock written all over her face

“Well not all but enough to get you the help you needed”

She wanted me to reassure her before we left that the trauma she endured wasn’t her fault. I stayed quiet as she cried proof that one day she will gain the tools needed to understand that

It. Was. Never. Her. Fault.

I offered her a hug goodbye ignoring the way I could feel how she initially flinched upon contact.

I wanted her to know that there is good in this world and in her

But I don’t think she would have believed me just yet…

[fluffypenguins16]

Add something if you like, or don’t press the post button let the click speak for itself

It’s not like we live in a world where there’s any shortage of words

But when you click the button make sure you press it hard let your pain out, let the words bleed

For we are all trapped in this digital world where passion has all been quelled

So add something if you like, or don’t who cares anymore?

[fluffypenguins16]

Finally got the confidence to publish a piece of my writing on my personal Instagram account :)

[fluffypenguins16]

Going to be starting this on Sunday but adding my own twist to it 💗

30 Days of Art Improvement Challenge

Are you tired of feeling like your art just isn’t improving? Do you want to do a 30-day challenge that’s actually useful? Welcome to 30 Days of Improvement Hell. >:D

I made this because I’ve been feeling super ‘blah’ about my art these days, and I needed something to kick-start myself. Who wants to do this with me!? Start now or whenever you can (now you procrastinators!). Challenge yourself and have fun at the same time!

Tag your posts with #Improvement Hell so everyone can follow along and see each other’s awesome artwork. I may even create a blog and reblog them! :D

What are you waiting for? START!

Self-Portrait - Introduce yourself

Draw a figure using a reference - link to reference

Draw a figure that’s in action, using a reference - link to reference

Draw a part of the human anatomy you have trouble with. x20, with atleast 5 being skeletal/musculature studies.

Draw more figures. Quick gestures and silhouettes. x20, with atleast 10 different body shapes

Let’s have some fun. Design a character from either This or This character generator! Be creative and bring something to life!

Pick the weirdest object in your house/room. Draw it. Shadows and Highlights.

Find 2-3 objects, make a scene with them. Draw it. Bonus points for creativity. Double points for dramatic lighting.

Draw a landscape of a place you’ve never been or drawn.

Draw a BG with 1pt Perspective. Negative points if it’s a railroad or an empty street.

Draw a BG with 2pt Perspective.

Look out a window. Draw what you see. Bonus points for adding something interesting.

Draw an interior setting with the character you designed on Day #6 in it.

BG with either bird’s eye or worm’s eye view.

Halfway there! Draw three 'action’ scenes with different compositions in each. Quick sketches are fine, just make them interesting and understandable! Bonus points if it’s the same scene, but different composition.

Draw a single page comic with 5-7 panels (the story begins and ends on one page). 

Draw an animal you’ve never drawn before. x10  Link references.

Draw a car. Negative points for whining. Hint: Use a perspective grid.

Think of the thing you hate drawing the most. Guess what? Draw it! Negative points for lying to yourself.

Pick an object in your house/room. Now design a character from it, using the shapes, forms, textures, purpose and colors as inspiration. Also link/post the object you used. Negative points for using a humanoid action figure.

Draw a character/object/scene, and shade them using ONLY solid blacks and whites. Bonus points for good use of lights/shadows

Draw a different object/scene/character. Shade using hatching, crosshatcing, and/or pointillism. Bonus points for lights/shadows and textures.

Colors! Pick a color palette, and paint a scene/character/object using only those colors (some blending allowed). Bonus points for good use of lights/shadows.

Draw and color a scene/object/character - no lines allowed! (aka - lineless art). Don’t forget light and shadows!

Draw a scene/character in a style you’ve never drawn before. If emulating an artist, credit+link. Bonus for color style.

Draw a character. Draw 10 emotions/expressions. Bonus points for 'uncommon’ emotions. (i.e. anxiety, guilt, despair, loneliness etc.)

Draw three random shapes using your opposite hand (or your foot). Now design characters from those shapes.

Turn on the tv (or load your illegally downloaded movies). Pick an actor and draw them.

Almost done! Let’s have some fun. Draw some fanart. Bonus points if it’s super obscure and unknown. Make people guess what it’s from.

Last day! Find a drawing you did within the last year. Now draw it again using what you’ve learned! Link it for comparison!

 Look at all that amazing improvement! Congrats!

[Update] There is now a sequel challenge, Draw All The Things!

[fluffypenguins16]

You can either fight against your brain which will hurt like hell or you can listen to your brain which will be hell

[fluffypenguins16]

The War

There’s constant battle in my mind. Part of me wants to go out and live life, experience joy, feel the warmth of the sun of my face and be kissed by the magic of a genuine smile while part of me wants to end said life. I am floundering in deep waters the absence of my adolescent years clearer than ever while I smile and hide behind the carefully curated facade of an ‘adult’. There’s a constant battle in my mind between survival and destruction

[fluffypenguins16]

At the start of the year I thought you would be forever

Thought I was clever

But now it’s less than 48 hours until 2025

And all I want to do is hide

[fluffypenguins16]

End of Beginning

I’m sorry I couldn’t be the girl you wanted

I’m sorry I wasn’t who you thought I would be

I’m sorry I’m broken I’m heartbroken to let you free

God please save me

As I wave goodbye to the end of the beginning

[fluffypenguins16]

In A Year’s Time

Restriction will become freedom

Fake laughter and smiles will turn into real ones

Nights spent hating myself will be spent pampering myself

Mental exhaustion will turn into strength

Hiding my body in baggy clothes will turn into the freedom to wear whatever I like

Loneliness will turn into connection

Rumination will turn into focusing on my dreams

In a year’s time I hope all will be fine

[fluffypenguins16]

List of Inexpensive Things To Do

(With other people or as a solo date 🫶 - list curated by a broke socially anxious 20 year old)

- At home movie night (bonus blanket fort)

- Walk and grab a coffee (or tea)

- Have a picnic

- Have a study date

- At home pamper night

- At home high tea (try baking your own treats)

- Make yogurt bowls (because froyo ain’t cheap)

- Make a fancy dinner at home

- Eat ice cream by the water

- Go swimming

- Go thrifting

- Do some crafts (painting, drawing, crochet etc)

- Have a photoshoot

- Go to free events/markets

- Go window shopping

- Make a cake to celebrate life :)

- At home workouts

- Take a nap

- Have an at home yoga/meditation retreat

[fluffypenguins16]

Exposure Therapy Tips 💗

1. Take a fidget toy with you

(I never leave the house for an exposure task without my squishies <3)

2. Wear clothes that are comfortable and make you feel confident

(Being as comfortable physically and mentally can help prevent anxiety from getting worse)

3. Plan tasks in advance

(For me personally I have a weekly planner where I assign myself a task everyday such as ‘get on a train’ or ‘go for a walk by myself’ having set tasks everyday helps keep me accountable and also allows me to mentally prepare myself)

4. Practice affirmations e.g: “I can get through this”

(It can be hard to control the physical reaction to exposure therapy regardless of whether or not you try to control the mental reaction unfortunately but every little bit counts)

5. Get a good night sleep the night beforehand

(This one may be hard for a lot of people especially if you’re like me and struggle with PTSD but trying to get a good night sleep the night before can help prevent further exhaustion which exacerbates anxiety)

6. Fuel your body before and after

(Again another one that may be hard for a lot of people including the author of this post but fueling your body when it’s under stress is so important)

7. Find a support system

(For me this includes my psychologist, GP, parents and boyfriend)

8. And finally be kind to yourself!

(The fact that you are fighting your mind every time you step outside your house and still go out regardless makes you pretty badass if I say so myself 😊)