freckledlemons - Tumblr blog

[freckledlemons]

When they’re gay

[freckledlemons]

I’m in my feels about a man lol

I feel like I’m someone full of love. I love people easily. I love people hard. And it’s hard to let go. But I never learn, and I keep loving, and dwelling, and imagining. In my head, in my dreams, it’s something more than just sex, but in reality it’s nothing more than occasional hookups at dead malls or local parks. Even when there’s multiple boys, there’s always one I like better than the rest. And he always seems like the hardest one to get the attention I want from. And no, this isn’t a love letter. Love and attachment comes easily to me, yeah, but I like to think I have enough sense not to completely throw myself into something just because I’m thinking with my heart and not my brain. I suppose it’s more of an ode to what it could be in the future. An ode to how hell is being an antsy teenage girl in a one-sided situationship.

I let him play into my little fantasy of having a loving little life together: he’s something more than just a guy I fuck and he treats me like I’m his. He buys me bouquets of wildflowers just because, he dances with me to the one song we are able to agree on that we both like, he lets me sink deep into his chest, wrapping his arms around me, after a long day. He calls me names like “love” and “babe,” followed by a quick kiss on the forehead. He commits to me. He shows me off. He writes little love letters full of passion and secrets only the two of us would understand. Letters that last forever, letting me study the handwriting and every which way in which it is stylized. And hidden amongst the letters exchanged between us both, the old dried out flowers, are the dirty Polaroids that we took on a rainy day one spring. Scribbled on the back, pillow talk and naughty phrases meant to egg him on and tease him in my absence. An attempt to be poetic, but in reality just a way to express the desperation and sexual desire I have for this man. It’s all scenarios and delusions I dreamt up in my mind, and while I have the deep need and desire to have any sort of romantic and sexual relationship with him, to him it’s simply casual sex.

Yes, I yearn for his attention, his touch, everything. I want him to crave me and need me so desperately that all he can do is love me past the point of just lust. I want him to kiss my lips, slowly. Hold me close, his chest against mine and we feel everything about one another. I want his lips to kiss me all over. My lips, my neck, the one spot on my collarbone that makes me melt under his touch when he sucks and licks on it. I want his hands to glide over my body, while he whispers to me how beautiful I look underneath of him. I want him to compliment me, I want to be Aphrodite in his eyes, with her perfect curves and fair skin. Her perfectly curled hair trickling down her shoulders and back, perfectly placed amongst her full and sculpted breasts. I want to be all that he thinks of, especially as he is taking off my clothes and I’m taking off his, leaving us vulnerable to one another.

I don’t think I’ll ever know what he truly thinks of me. Even when I ask him he’s never truly direct about it. The way he acts is not true to what he proposes occasionally. Is he leading me on? Probably. Is he using me? It could be possible. To boys, fucking is fucking. It’s not intimate, it’s not passionate—it’s a way to get off with something other than his hand, possibly with someone who is a tad pretty. But I like to pretend it means something. I like to pretend there’s some meaning behind it, that he fucks me like he feels something for me, and not just because I’m a cum dumpster for him to relieve himself in. Maybe he thinks about my face when he looks into it. The layout of my freckles, the small beauty mark I have on my right cheek, the small diamond stud in my left nostril. Maybe he thinks I’m cute, or pretty. Maybe he thinks about me the way I think about him. How every time I’m with him I take in everything about him. The curls in his uncut hair, the way his large hands easily intertwine with mine after he just fucked me in the back seat of his car, his tan skin, the occasional stubble he has on his face if he waits too long to shave. I wonder if he thinks about certain parts of me that he likes? Does he even like parts of me? Am I even desirable? I like to play with his hair. Hair always gets me. His is perfect. It’ll fall into his eyes when we fuck, sweat dripping from his face onto mine as he hovers on top of me. Do I love him? I like him. But to love him, I need more. More time and more affection and more care. I would like to love him in the future. But I want to feel that love back. It’s ok if it’s not immediate. I don’t want forced feelings. But eventually I’d like to be something that is more than just a way to get off. I want someone to value me and see me as a whole person. Yes, I want him to devour me but I also want him to love me.

[freckledlemons]

It has been a HOT minute since I’ve written, and my notifications have been messed up. Nothing is registering under my activity feed so I’m hoping by making a post I can fix it!! I just need a stress release atm too, so I’m gonna jot down some miscellaneous Scream headcanons for a modern!au. They’re not too thought out, not that great, and only done in a few minutes, but these are just for fun and hopefully I can stir up some activity from them. Also murders are disregarded in this- just a bunch of (slightly neurotic) high school kids.

Modern!au Scream Misc. Headcanons

Stu used to watch those 24 hour challenges and got a lifetime ban from Costco for trying it himself

Tatum made fun of him for it

After his mom left, Billy took up photography as a secret hobby/coping method (instead of murdering people lmao)

He actually has quite a knack for it

Sidney, Stu, Tatum, Billy, and Randy have a group chat that’s getting blown up 24/7

Stu sends tiktoks constantly, knows all the memes (stuff that’s expected of him); Tatum is up to date on tiktok dances

Billy pretends to hate tiktok but secretly could mindlessly scroll for hours

At the start of Covid they would use Netflix party to watch tiger king and shitty reality tv

Wife Swap was a hot topic at one point

Billy and Stu watch ID Discovery, true crime youtubers like Buzzfeed Unsolved, Elenor Neale, blah blah blah

Sidney and Tatum were into diy at one point and would surprise their boyfriends with shitty crafts

Tried to make the amigurumi strawberry cows

Billy and Stu with the cricut decal t shirts their girlfriends made for them <3

3 am FaceTime calls of someone crying over physics homework

*through sobs* “Please, I’m hovering at a 70, and if I see one more kinematic equation it’ll be my final straw”

AP classes are rough, man

I feel like Sidney is the only one who goes to bed at a decent hour

Sidney made everyone matching masks at the start of Covid (the only good diy project)

[freckledlemons]

imagine Leon chasing after his daughter who’s stolen his eyeliner. He whines that daddy needs that to look punk rock and the girl just sticks her tongue out and says that daddy isn’t punk rock, he is a weenie. Leon cries for days. 

[freckledlemons]

Haha you can guess which chapter I’m on major rip :,) Ok anyway here’s a quick fanart I pulled together in...two-ish hours I guess? Idk, I just really wanted to draw some crap for this amazing fanfic, Crimson Ink, by @my-american-hero on tumblr and Ao3. I’ll try and draw more cause I’m o🅱️sessed with it. Check it out. It’s really good. Also! This will be on my Instagram too so check it out there too I guess lol. But fr check out their writing, it’s amazing.

Ft. My self indulgent mermaid tattoo

[freckledlemons]

Some fanart for @thetrashyartwitch Bakugou mermaid au! And an attempted animation.